Shalom Abba
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Shalom Abba

Dear Abba,
Once upon a time, I idolized you. That was before you turned everything in my life into hell on earth. Back when I honestly thought you were doing what was right, what was needed. I’ve learned since then that the two tend to be mutually exclusive. Do you remember when I used to laugh in happiness, not like now in bitterness, before you took my innocence away? You dented my heart, with Mother’s and Tali’s deaths. Ordering me to kill my own brother, your son, the monster that you made him, so unlike the sweet boy I once knew. After feeding me the lies that he was innocent, broke my heart in half.

My attempt to get away, away from the things you had me do, my running to America, was a foolish hope you would take the message and leave me alone. I expected to be tolerated; I did not expect to find a family, to fall in love.

But, of course you couldn’t let your one living child live in her dysfunctional peace, could you? Well, Abba, I did what you ordered me to. I gave you the information. I betrayed those who had only ever been good to me. And I lost the man I truly loved, not the one you ordered me to be in love with. That, Abba, broke my heart, forever.

So, Abba, this letter is my last message to you, all the things I was never brave enough to say in person. I have sent letters to my family at NCIS, so the truth of what happened can come out when the time is right. Don’t bother trying to look for them, I have hidden them in a place full of meaning, a place I know you will never step foot in, but the messenger of the letters will make sure they get where they’re supposed to be, he’s always there after all.

I will not be coming back, Abba. I will make sure of that. When you dream at night, soon you will see me crying, screaming in pain, just like the rest of your family. That is what I want you to see, for you handed me my death warrant, and I signed it. That is all you have given me, Abba, pain, sorrow, and loss. That is all you have given anyone. Now it your turn to be utterly alone in the world.

Shalom Abba,


Abba/Father: An affectionate way to say "father", hence "Dear father." Israeli children call their fathers "Abba"

Valerie Portolano
May 20, 2009