Tony's Losing It
by Myst
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The boss had almost drowned. I couldn't believe how life was constantly throwing shit in my face these past few years. Gibbs left the team with me but they wanted Gibbs and I was not him. They acted out that way for four months until he came back. Then I had to keep a damn secret from my team for a whole year. I had fallen in love with my undercover job. Then, my car exploded and I had to tell Jeanne that I had been lying to her, breaking her heart. Once again, when I had to choose where to go, I chose Gibbs, just like after he came back when I chose Gibbs instead of transferring to Spain and leading my own team. Abby had said the team was family and they were. But for the past few years it wasn't feeling that way as much as before. Then yesterday, the boss didn't tell us anything about Maddie's problem so we could help him. He almost drowned! I had had to dive down to save her and him. It had scared me when he pushed her to me first and then when I came back down he wasn't moving. I had eventually got him breathing and her.

I walked into the office, it was one in the morning. I couldn't sleep and I had a whole load of paperwork to do and, since I couldn't sleep, I would get it done. I had more things to do as I was senior agent. I have not slept more than two hours a night for about a month now. I know that's not healthy but when I couldn't sleep, I came to work and never clocked in because I didn't want people to really know that I was doing a hell of a lot of over time. I just did it because mindless paperwork helped me to stop thinking. When I had no work to do I resorted to other ways so that I wasn't thinking of the pain. My father had once told me, after breaking my arm, that the best way to forget one pain is to have another kind of pain. Then he bent one of my fingers on the other hand, proving a point by breaking it. I had tried late night runs until I was so worn out that I passed out, that would work but I would wake up two to three hours later. I tried poking a needle into my skin as deep as it would go. That worked a little better but nothing really took it all away.

The reason I never let myself fall in love is because I could not handle this pain. It was like my father and mother ignoring me again, so much so that this was like my heart being torn out because of it. But this time it was because of my betrayal of the woman I loved. The pain slowly fades to a throb but it was still there and I hated that feeling. Then almost losing Gibbs caused everything to get worse in my head. I was so tempted to ask for a therapist right then. The pain was finally just ebbing back to deep inside me and I hated it. Then the day came and we got a case. A dead kid, who had to be about sixteen, but there was proof of abuse that Ducky found. Old fractures, things were just bad. By the end of the case my nerves were on end and I knew the team noticed but I had managed to work the case. Memories of my parents abusing me had run through my head, then the whole Jeanne thing was coming back to me. I kept thinking of the pain I must have caused her. I stood up with my badge and gun in my hand and I walked over to Gibbs' desk, not really in my right mind. Things were overloaded right now. I slammed the gun and badge down on his desk.

"No more, I cant."

It was all I could say, I just took off. I went down the stairs, running as fast as I could, then I kept running as hard as I could until I got to my car. As I laid my head on top of my car I unlocked the door and then stopped. I took a deep breath, slammed the door shut again and locked it. Then I just went running. I was just going to get somewhere where I could wait for a bus and no one would be coming after me. Then I felt something grab the back of my suit jacket. I was turned around and slammed against my car. I had not gotten far. I was looking at Gibbs' face and then I couldn't carry on. I looked away and just broke down in front of the one man I didn't want to. I grabbed his shirt and buried my head in his chest, bawling like a damn baby, shaking. I couldn't talk, everything and I mean everything, from child hood to this point, everything that had ever hurt me was racing through my mind. I felt like I was losing my mind and I couldn't stop the pain. Then everything went dark and I passed out.

The dreams of my father were there. I was in his office where I had spilled his drink, trying to get it to him as fast as I could because he kept just screaming at me to get the damn drink to him. He had thrown me against the wall, telling me how stupid I was. It just kept on like that as he punched me harder. I was about ten years old. Things had gone downhill faster after my mother committed suicide. It was always my fault.

I woke up and sat up, dragging my knees up to my chest, shaking some as I laid my head on my knees. Finally I looked around. Hell, I was in the hospital. I wracked my brain then remembered slamming my badge and gun down on Gibbs' desk and bolting. Then he caught me at my car and I broke down and finally passed out. I looked around, there he was. I slid my hands through my hair. Just as he was about to say something Ducky walked in.

"Welcome back, Anthony. How are you, my boy?"

How to answer that? The pain was still there from everything but I was thinking better and that was both good and bad. I saw some water near me so I poured myself a glass and took a long drink, my throat was so dry. I'd heard when I started as a detective that the job could just could bring you down a road of pain. I had thought he was kidding and I slowly started to believe it. Then all this had been brought down on my head.

"I quit, now leave! Go find another damn agent 'cause I'm not doing it anymore! McGee has got almost good enough for Senior Agent."

Ducky didn't move, he was looking at me as I took a deep breath. I slide my hands through my hair. Why the fuck weren't they leaving? I'd told them to. I told them I was through with all this pain and the memories. I knew the memories would never end. I looked at Gibbs and then Ducky. I almost growled.

"I said, get the fuck out of here. I'm done with all of this."

I grunted as they still didn't move or speak. I rubbed my hands over my face and then through my hair. I scrubbed the back of my neck as I trembled, thinking this had to end. Then I heard Gibbs.

"Ducky, give us a minute, would you?"

I heard the hospital door close. Great, now I was left with Gibbs and I knew something had to come from him because he had my six. But I didn't want him to have my six any more, damn it. I wanted out of it all. Hell, truth was, I wanted out of life but I was to chicken to kill myself. I looked up at him.

"Gibbs, I don't want you to have my damn six anymore. I don't want anything any more, damn it. Everything hurts and I don't want anything or anyone to care about."

I figured he was doing the quiet act to get me to spill the beans and there I had, I'd given him the basics of it. There was the look! I knew it! I was not allowed to quit. I was not allowed to take the coward's way out.

"Damn it, Gibbs. I don't want to fucking breath 'cause it hurts so damn much. I don't want to live 'cause it hurts to be awake. I was in love with Jeanne and she's gone. Then you go behind our backs and almost drown because you had me take her first. Then the last damn case brings back bad memories of my old man beating the fuck out of me. I can't do this anymore, I can't, Gibbs."

The next thing I know is when Gibbs stood up again. He sat down on the bed and dragged me across to him. I felt the hot tears building up and then I just started crying again. What the hell was this? Whenever he was near and I was emotionally unstable I just break down. I felt a hand stroking the back of my neck and stroking through my hair.

"I am not giving up on you Tony, you should know that. We can make it through this. You've just got to let me help you. What you just said is going to be just between us. But we are going to fix it, Tony."

I leaned back against my pillows. Why the hell was he calling me Tony all of a sudden? I mean, I knew the team cared about me and they wouldn't hurt me on purpose, but that didn't mean that it wouldn't happen.

"Boss, I don't know what hurts worse when you let someone you love down or they let you down, it all hurts! Ever since you came back from Mexico, things have just gone downhill. I've reached my limit. I can't do this job anymore. I can't do any undercover. I can't work on these emotional cases because my heart screams at my mind. I just can't, Boss."

He looked at me closely. Surprisingly he didn't slap me on the back of the head. The look on his face wasn't his usual expression, he actually looked worried and he had the look of someone that cares. He really hadn't let me down, but for a few seconds, down in the water when I saw him not moving, I thought I'd lost him.

"You can't lose me that easy! You saved me and her, Tony. I am so proud of you. I know things have been rough on you. I was at this point before I joined NIS, when I lost my family. But Tony, we need to find a way to get you through this. We need you."

I was stunned at the fact that Gibbs had said so much and that he actually told me he was proud and that he needed me along with them. I knew in my heart that they did and I knew that my boss was proud of me but it was damn nice to hear it. I had to say I missed his head slaps. I took a deep breath before speaking and then the head slap came.

"I don't care how long it will take me DiNozzo, but we are going to get you back to the point where you can work. For now, I'm going to tell the director that you're just sick and need a couple weeks off. She owes you that much for making you go so deep undercover with Jeanne."

Well, I agreed with the boss on that one. I was worn out. Some of this was sinking in and making me feel safe and loved. I felt my body begin to relax enough to fall asleep. I don't know what happened after that, where Gibbs went or even if, but something told me that he didn't leave my side. I knew that I was needed by Gibbs and that I was loved by him. I wasn't sure what kind of love but I had seen it all in his eyes. I wasn't sure how long I had slept but when I woke up Ducky was there. There was a scent of coffee in the air and I knew Ducky didn't drink that. He looked at me, smiling.

"My dear boy, you're awake! Gibbs just stepped out, he should be back soon, he just went to get more coffee. He talked to the director, we've all have been working hard so she gave us the week off. Gibbs is taking you to his house. It depends how you are doing at the end of the week before we decide if he is going to tell the director you taking more time off."

I nodded and leaned back. I ran a hand through my hair. I figured Gibbs was trying to get me out of here as well as getting some coffee. When he came back in the doctor came in too and asked me the usual questions. I answered them like I needed to. When he was done he had me sign my release papers. Ducky said that he would come over and check on me. I knew that they were worried about me and that made me feel good to a point. But what if I did something to make them disappointed in me or hate me? I sighed as we drove to Gibbs' house. I said nothing and neither did Gibbs. We went to my house first where I packed a few things. When we got to his house the whole thing had worn me out. I laid down on his couch and the next thing I knew I was falling asleep, feeling someone put a cover over me.