Gibbs stood at the graveside and again thought about why he had come to this place of peace. Looking down at the headstone he saw the bunch of flowers that were still bright and vibrant with color and figured they must have been placed there sometime in the last couple of days.

Less than a week ago his Dad had been to see him for Christmas. The old man had been troubled about something. He'd wanted his boy to answer him a question relating to that part of his job that would always be the hardest. Having to take another's life.
He'd told his Dad that it wasn't meant to be easy, and as he'd spoken the words it had been the memory of her dead eyes that returned to him and stayed with him till he'd been compelled to come to this patch of earth where she now slept.

He'd drummed it into others for years now. About never dwelling on such matters. It was all part of his doctrine. The gospel according to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Yet here he was, after all this time,ignoring his own advice, for what he'd told his Father was true. It was never easy and it had rarely, if ever, been harder than it had been that night.

He had replayed the events of it over and over in his head during the last couple of days, ever since his Father had raked up his feelings over the matter,and rekindled thoughts concerning his relationship with her as a whole.

He had made no secret of the fact that he had always had a very low opinion of her. She must have been aware of it too. What had followed merely brought everything to a head.
Up till then he'd read her as an annoying little legal person, always under his feet. Always in the way. A square peg in a round hole at best. The fact that she had still tried to fit into that space regardless was,maybe,something he should have encouraged rather than dismiss out of hand.
Was that a mistake?
"Am I so intimidating?" he thought. "If I'd given her more of a chance would things have turned out different? Would she have come to me when it happened?"

He looked closely at the flowers. Perhaps Palmer had put them there? He knew that he'd gone to her funeral along with Abs, despite it being suggested that they might consider distancing themselves, but both had liked her,despite the circumstances,and had been determined to go along anyhow.

It was then he saw the card that came with the wreath of flowers. But when he read the message on it he realized he should have guessed who it was who had placed them there. Sadly, the only person who would still care.
The message read, "Missing you so much, Michy. Love, Amanda."

The little girl had been the reason for everything, and he recalled the moment in the interrogation room when she'd turned the questioning onto him. Now was the time to answer.
He knelt down close by the headstone and spoke softly.
"You asked if I'd have done the same for Kelly. The answer's yes. I would have, if I'd had to.

He wondered at what he'd said. Had he meant it? He wasn't sure. He'd spoken from the heart, not with any consideration for duty or country, just as she had listened to her heart and not her head, and it had got her killed.

He stood up and made ready to leave then hesitated a moment as he recalled something his Dad had said just before he left.
"Gonna make any New year's resolutions,son?"
"I don't know. Maybe, if I can think of one."

The night she'd died he had told everyone what had happened. About the choice she'd made. They had all listened in stunned silence.
"If she hadn't done what she did Bankston would have killed me, and the little girl on the bus."
It was McGee who spoke. " She took two lives, saved two. Including yours, Boss. That's got to count for something."
"It does."

Back in the present, Gibbs rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He had his New Year's resolution.
He'd look in on Amanda from time to time. See how she was doing. It was the least he could do for both the living and the dead. He owed Lee that much.

The End