He'd thought it would be easy - he was wrong so very, very wrong.

Four months away, didn't seem like a long time, but it was. It felt like a lifetime.

It felt like he was living a different lifetime, one where memories snuck in at inopportune moments to take him by surprise. Memories, like some well camouflaged undercover agents who had breached his carefully constructed defences and brick by brick were bringing them tumbling down to the ground.

He no longer felt comfortable in his own body. Outwardly his appearance had changed. Not due to neglect, at least not wilful neglect, more an apathy that had settled on him since he had fled to Mexico.

With the benefit of hindsight, perhaps his reasoning had been flawed. By cutting himself off from his team, from those around him that knew him and loved him, he had deprived himself of the vital piece he needed to help him reassemble the intricate jigsaw puzzle of his memories. Without his 'family' he had lacked those gossamer threads that held together the pieces melding them into a whole and now the pieces refused to fit.

The pain he had caused by his flight was evident on the faces of his colleagues, Ducky, Abby, McGee, Ziva, Tony, none of them sure whether he was back to stay or whether at the first sign of danger flee back to his Mexican bolthole like some startled jack rabbit. Abby was frightened to talk to him any more, Ducky had turned standoffish, McGee and Ziva tried to act normally but he could tell they were walking on eggshells and Tony, well Tony kept his cards close to his chest, but sometimes he could see him looking out of the corner of his eye, trying to size him up.

Why was it so hard to put the shattered jigsaw puzzle of his mind back together, was it because in reality he had created two versions; each with different shaped pieces and now he was trying to fit these disparate pieces together to make one picture.

Night time was the worst; when his mind, devoid of any other activity, had full rein to re-visit the jumble of recollections that he had managed to assemble so far. Perhaps that explained why he was building a boat in his basement, it wasn't just a 'Marine thing' perhaps it helped him to keep the maelstrom of memories at bay.

Gibbs ran his hands across his face, he felt tired, so tired and dusty and dirty from working in the basement all evening. He stepped into the shower and let the hot water flow over him, stripping his muscles of the tension within them. He poured some shampoo into his hand and started to lather it into his hair. A memory hovered on the edge of his consciousness, Gibbs inclined his head as if inviting it in.


Hands - a shower - hands massaging his scalp
Gibbs frowned, Shannon? no the feeling was more muscular - man-like, Gibbs shook his head an reached for the shower gel.

Ten minutes later he stumbled from the shower in search of a towel. Typically he had only unpacked essentials. He reached into a box marked 'Bathroom' and pulled out a towel and wrapped it around his waist, he grabbed another one and buried his face into its softness.

'Egyptian cotton' a voice in his mind said 'Finest Egyptian cotton very nice' Gibbs frowned, a conversation about towels didn't seem to be his style. Drying himself he padded to the bedroom and sat on the side of the bed. Absentmindedly he began to unpack the box standing by the nightstand. Everywhere he went there seemed to be a box waiting to be unpacked, maybe they bred in the night.

Comb, bookmark, condoms, lubricating jelly. Gibbs raised an eyebrow, he hadn't been celibate then, or perhaps just hopeful. He grinned and pulled out some more stuff. A book, he frowned as he read the cover Bette Davis - not one he recalled reading, but then again with his memory lately. But still, it didn't seem his sort of book, a bookmark showed he was halfway through.

Necktie, cologne. Gibbs regarded them in his hands as if they were foreign objects. He sniffed the cologne - it was familiar. He just couldn't place it, once again it was a memory hovering at the edge of his mind

A bottle of some unknown substance, oil perhaps, Gibbs unscrewed the top and inhaled, his eyes widening as a memory came into his brain.

Lying naked on the bed. Muscular hands travelling up and down his spine, caressing and tracing patterns on his oiled flesh, the smell of lavender in the heated air of the bedroom.
"Is that good?"
"Mmmm so good"
"How about this?"
"Ohhh yesss"
Breath on his neck, the feel of teeth on skin nipping gently.
"Love you Jethro"
"Love you too"

Gibbs shook himself and gulped. His mind must be playing tricks on him. He put the cap back onto the bottle of oil and put it on the nightstand. He needed a beer and some answers. He reached for his cell and punched the speed dial, after 2 rings he hung up - this was stupid; his mind had definitely thrown him a skew ball - perhaps he should talk to Ducky let him do his pyscho-whatsit on him.

Gibbs went downstairs and grabbed himself a beer and sat in the living room. He was on his second bottle when there was a knock on the door. When he opened it DiNozzo was standing on the doorstep.
"Hi Boss, toga party?" Tony enquired.
Gibbs glanced down, he was still wrapped in a towel and nothing else.
"I was in the shower," he said, standing aside to allow Tony to enter.
"Egyptian cotton, very nice," Tony commented as he passed.
Gibbs shot him a look, " I'll just go and throw some clothes on."

"What's wrong boss?" Tony asked, when Gibbs came back downstairs.
"Ah - nothing," Gibbs said, hastily.
"Are you sure?" Tony persisted.
"Yeah, DiNozzo everything's fine," Gibbs assured him. "Why d'you ask?"
"Because it's 2am and you rang me."
"Did I?" Gibbs crossed to the sofa and reached for his beer "Want one?" he enquired.
"Sure," Tony said, "don't worry I'll get it, as long as you haven't moved everything around since..." Tony stopped.
"Since what?" Gibbs asked sharply.
"Since I was here last, you remember you team thing, the team get-together,"
Tony stammered.
Gibbs frowned, even with his shot memory he couldn't recall a team 'get-together' at his place, but he let it slide.

"You look tired Jeth - Boss" Tony commented as he returned with two bottles if beer, He handed one to Gibbs.
"Yeah guess I am." Gibbs rolled his shoulders trying to ease the tension, "Can't seems to sleep these days."
"Here, let me sort that out" Tony said, crossing to behind the sofa and placing his hands on Gibbs' shoulders.
"Tony I.." Gibbs started.
"Relax Boss" Tony said, soothingly, as he started to work on the cramps in Gibbs' neck muscles.
"Geez Gibbs, you really need to learn to unwind," Tony commented, "You're as tight as a wound spring, what you really need is a full back massage. Hey you any massage oil?"
"Do I look like someone who uses massage oil DiNozzo?" Gibbs growled.
"Not that you really need oil I guess, but..."Tony leant down, his breath hot on Gibbs' neck, "it does make it more..." Tony was abut to say enjoyable, but felt Gibbs' muscles tense under his hands "beneficial. It has various essential oils know for their calming and relaxing properties, for instance camomile."
"Lavender?" Gibbs suggested.
"Yeah, Lavender really aids relaxation." Tony replied, continuing to work Gibbs' muscles and feeling him relax. Suddenly from somewhere deep inside a groan emanated.
"Is that good?" Tony asked.
Startled, Gibbs broke away from his grasp.
"What did you say?" he demanded.
"I -I only asked if that was good Boss." Tony stammered.
Gibbs strode up to him and inhaled deeply.
"What cologne do you wear?" he asked.
"Armani Code by Giorgio Armani, but you knew that Boss." Tony replied. Gibbs had bought him a bottle last birthday.
"Stay there." Gibbs said, as he left the room.

Tony sat down on the sofa, a puzzled look on his face - ever since he had come back form Mexico Gibbs had been acting strange; distant, moody, it had affected everyone. The whole team, even Ducky, were walking on eggshells; frightened that the least wrong word or action would send Gibbs back to Mexico never to return.

"Is this yours?" Gibbs asked, tossing a book onto the sofa.
"Bette Davis, I was wondering where that had got to, I was halfway through!" Tony exclaimed.
"Are these yours too?" Gibbs enquired, throwing the rest of the stuff down on the couch."
Tony picked through the pile "These yes, condoms, lube, butt plug they're yours oh and the honey dust..." he said, a wicked grin playing on his lips, "Man that was a marvellous night, don't you remember I couldn't sit down for days, lucky we were on vacation McGee would've had a field day!"

Gibbs paced the room 'Egyptian cotton, massage oil, showers' it was all becoming clear.
"Tony, were we lovers?" he asked directly.
Tony stopped grinning.
"Were Jethro? I kinda hope we still are."
"It's difficult, things have changed." Gibbs continued to pace the room.
"I don't see that anything's changed," Tony countered, "I still love you Jethro and I hope you feel the same way too."
Gibbs ran a hand through his tousled hair.
"That's the point Tony, I'm not sure," he said, "everything's hazy, hell I don't even know who I am any more!" he punched the wall violently.
"Hey!" Tony rushed over and took Gibbs' hand in his and raised it to his lips. "Please, Jethro don't "
"Tony," DiNozzo looked up into Gibbs' blue eyes, which had taken on an uncharacteristically pleading look. "Who am I?"
"You, Leroy Jethro Gibbs are the most talented, decent, honourable man I know," Tony said, "you're dependable, exciting, handsome, an attentive lover, you're my rock and shelter. You make the best scrambled eggs this side of the Rockies and I am so proud that you're mine."
Tony gathered the older man into a tight embrace and captured his mouth in a long deep kiss.
"How on earth could I have forgotten about you?" Gibbs said, when they finally surfaced for air.


END