Tony couldn’t believe it. Gibbs was gone from NCIS again. Only this time, it wasn’t because of the fifteen years of his memory he’d lost and was trying to regain by drinking his weight in alcohol. It seemed to be for giggles. His workaholic boss â€" who he’d never seen take more than a day off unless barred from the building â€" had taken a two week vacation to visit Franks in Mexico. And he was going to figure out why.
In the time that Gibbs was gone, Tony was going to snoop around his house to see if he’d left any sign of why he’d left so randomly.
****************
Getting past the front door had been surprisingly easy. He thought Gibbs would at least lock the door when he left the country. Getting past his feelings so he could focus on the job at hand was not surprisingly hard.
He’d been in Gibbs’s house before â€" so the spotless, sparsely furnished rooms hadn’t shocked him â€" but never alone. It was always because of an on the job injury that called for him to not be left alone so Gibbs was constantly around. But, unlike all of those times, he didn’t have to constantly keep his thoughts in check so his boss didn’t find out that he was in love with him.
The basement held nothing more than a trash can filled with sawdust, a half empty bottle of bourbon, and miscellaneous hand tools. And the first floor was pristine so he knew that Gibbs hadn’t left any clues there.
When he went upstairs, Tony didn’t even bother checking the guest room. Sure, Gibbs didn’t have visitors too often â€" Abby staying during the Cyber-Vid case was his first guest in years â€" but he wouldn’t risk anyone that did visit snooping around. Especially since he had started to reconnect with his father.
He went to the next door but, for some reason it was locked. If it had been any other search, he would’ve pulled out his lock-picking kits but he didn’t. Gibbs had locked this door for a good reason and â€" even though he was snooping â€" Tony had a feeling it wasn’t to keep any of his nosy visitors out, but to not tempt himself into reopening old wounds. Kelly’s room, maybe?
The last door he tried was Gibbs’s bedroom and, even though it was the only other door on the hall that didn’t lead to a closet or bathroom, it shocked him to see it. He stood in the doorway for several seconds before he finally ventured in.
The room was exactly what he’d imagined it would be like. Simple wood furniture. No clutter. No nonsense.
Just like Gibbs, he thought.
Part of him wanted to give up the search, crawl under the covers on his boss’s bed, and just breathe in the intoxicating scent. But only part. The other, more sensible part knew he had to keep everything in its place so Gibbs wouldn’t know that he’d been there.
He went to work quickly and began searching through the two nightstands on either side of the bed. He didn’t know which side of the bed Gibbs favored and didn’t want to take the chance of missing something.
****************
Inside the first nightstand, the only thing Tony found amongst the boat and woodworking magazines was a picture of the first Gibbs family. He didn’t recognize the woman or child but could tell from the pure joy that he saw on his boss’s face. He smiled before putting the photo back in its place in the drawer.
The other nightstand held a small journal as its only contents. Tony opened it and recognized Gibbs’s handwriting before he even registered what words had been written. The date of the first entry, he noticed, was December ’83. Going again with his gut, he made himself comfortable and started reading.
It may not be an outright sign as to why Gibbs left, but it may lead to something.

Dear Little One,
Your mom just gave me this journal this morning. It was under the Christmas tree and confused me a bit when I opened it. Writing is not one of my hobbies.
She explained that it was because you were coming and that it was a tradition in her family. The tradition is that I should keep this journal and give it to you one day. So, even though women are usually the ones to do this, I’m going to do it. Not just ‘cause your mom told me to, but because I won’t be around much because of my job and will miss a lot of your life. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t love you.
I can’t wait to meet you little one. I hope I don’t disappoint you.
Holy crap, Tony thought. Gibbs is human.
He read through the rest of Shannon’s pregnancy and Kelly’s childhood. He had to remind him several times that this was the same Leroy Jethro Gibbs that he knew and loved as he read through stories of birthday parties, family outings, and everything else. He laughed out loud numerous times. But, one entry made him cry.
I’m so sorry, baby girl, it read. But, I have to leave. There’s a job I have to help do in another country. I know it means I’ll leave you but, if they aren’t stopped, the bad guys might come here. And I can’t lose you and your mom.
I wish that I didn’t have to go. At least not now. You’re only seven and still have so much growing up to do. I promise to write as much as possible so you can tell everything that’s going on here. Your eighth birthday. Your second grade class.
I know you won’t see this any time soon, but I’m gonna write it anyway.
Please don’t grow up too much without me, Kelly. Please.
****************
He wasn’t that surprised that it skipped from Gibbs’s leaving to his return for their funerals. There some things parents didn’t need to tell their children, even years after the fact.
I failed you and your mom, Kelly. I am so sorry. I left you ��" thinking I was going to protect you ��" and it turns out to have been the worst decision. I wish I’d listened to you before I left. You begged me not to go. Maybe, if I had stayed, you two would still be here.
I can never replace you and your mom, and I promise that I’m not going to try to.
Tony thought that that was the last entry but it wasn’t. He turned the page and was met with more of Gibbs’s scrawling handwriting.
I have a new job. No more Marine stuff. Well, at least not with the uniforms and saluting.
I will still work with the Marines but also with the Navy. There’s this agency called NIS ��" you met a couple agents before ��" and I get to help them catch bad guys.
My boss, Mike Franks, is crazy. He slaps me on the back of the head whenever I screw up. Which I do. A lot. Tony started skimming through Gibbs’s account of Franks then.
Another guy I work with wants me to call him Ducky. Apparently that was his nickname when he was in school. I don’t mind though, his name is Donald Mallard and, when I was first introduced to him, I thought of your love for Donald Duck.
I couldn’t tell him about you, baby girl, and I’m sorry, It still hurts to tell people and it seems that every time I do, someone’s view of me changes and they feel sorry for me.
So, that’s why he didn’t tell us until he got caught in that explosion, Tony thought.
He finished reading about a few of the stories Ducky had told Gibbs the first few weeks they worked together, laughing at a few that he’d heard himself. When he was done, he put the journal down, stretched, and looked at the clock. Noting that it was late, he figured it was time for him to leave. As he was leaving Gibbs’s room, he turned around and grabbed the journal.
I’ll finish reading, he thought, and put it back. Before Gibbs gets back obviously.

I don’t know if you can see me from wherever you are but, in case you can’t, I should probably tell you.
When you and your mom died (which was nearly six years ago, now) I started drinking and could barely function outside the house whenever I wasn’t at work.
Before I officially started at NIS (which is now NCIS) Franks found out who killed the agent who was driving the van you guys were in. In the transitional time between being a Marine and going to FLETC, I went to Mexico. Pedro Hernandez died the same day I got there.
When I got back, I started officially as Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Then, Mike introduced me to Ginger. We started dating a few months after we met and, a few months after that, we got married.
So, I know I told you I would never try to replace your mom. But I didn’t know what else to do.
Ginger doesn’t know about you guys either (for the same reason I didn’t tell Ducky). But that made it hard when she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t willing to get too close as quickly as she wanted me to. A year after we started dating she gave me an ultimatum: break up or get married.
Worst decision ever. I couldn’t love her like I did your mom and I couldn’t tell her about you two. I just didn’t think I could trust her.
She thought I was cheating on her ��" which I totally wasn’t, I was actually working ��" so, after a year, she left me.
Wasn’t Ginger the name of that lawyer whose client put out a hit on Abby? Tony shrugged. That’s probably why he doesn’t like lawyers.
****************
So, the reason I’m telling you all this is because my second ex-wife (I got married about a year and a half after Ginger left me) just left my sort-of friend, Tobias.
I tried to warn him that she would leave him broke and alone like she did me but he wouldn’t listen. Although, technically, Diane didn’t leave him alone. They have a two-year-old daughter named Emily.
I’m not sure what happened with them ��" they seemed happy to me ��" but I don’t think they’re even going to try to fix what they had.
***************
I’m not completely unlucky, though.
You see, we got a new member on the team since Agent O’Halloran went to be Agent Afloat. It’s the first time that I’ve worked around a woman with a gun. Very unsettling.
Tony started to picture Jenny in his head as he read through his boss’s description of their late director. Gibbs seemed so happy as he recounted some stories about their adventures in Paris.
He didn’t expect things to go south so quickly though. Sure, he’d known that Stephanie had married him after Jenny left, but he didn’t know the whole story it seemed.
I had hoped that, one day, you would find someone who you loved. I knew that along the way you’d, unfortunately, get your heart broken but still leave a few broken hearts in your wake.
But I am very glad you never had to write or get a Dear John letter. They suck.
Jenny left him with a Dear John letter?! Tony thought. No wonder they acted so weird when she came back. That’s the worst way to have someone dump you.
I’m sorry, baby girl, Tony read Gibbs apologize yet again. I tried to…well, not really replace your mom…but, I guess that’s what I ended up trying and failing to do. Please don’t hate me.

Tony had read through nearly fifteen years of Gibbs’s past when the thought of the team finding out crossed his mind. When it did, he considered putting the journal back and never reading it again. But, the desire to know how the man he loved felt about him won out over the logic that that same man would find out and probably send him off to be Agent Afloat again, if he didn’t just kill him on the spot.
He was actually kind of surprised the others hadn’t already figured it out. Ziva once said that he couldn’t keep what he had for breakfast a secret and finding out the demise of the fourth marriage of their fearless leader was much more important than that.
Stephanie blames me but I have no idea how it could be my fault. How was supposed to know that she’d lose the baby.
****************
He picked up the journal that night after work and was surprised to find what he did.
Tony is so freaking childish and sometimes downright annoying. He makes jokes at crime scenes for Pete’s sake. I don’t think he could have a serious conversation if his life depended on it.
Tony nearly dropped the journal. Gibbs hates…me? He shook his head in disbelief. That can’t be it. Maybe he just hated all of us at the beginning.
He read through his first case with Gibbs, stopping himself from being too offended at some of the things he read. It was nearly ten years ago. He should at least be able to tolerate me now.
He got through Vivian, Kate, and Tim’s first few weeks with Gibbs and he didn’t sense anger or annoyance once. But, then he read through the few weeks before Kate’s death and the wheels in his head stopped turning towards how he would phrase his resignation letter.
Tony almost died today. Somebody sent a letter with a virus in it to the office and he was too much of a pigheaded idiot to give it to me. He got the plague because of it.
As he read more of the events that happened outside of that observation room, Tony’s eyes were opened. Gibbs doesn’t hate me. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to die because he wanted to keep me around, not just because he didn’t want to have to train a new agent.
He’d just begun reading through Ziva’s first day when his phone rang. He wiped at his eyes â€" still trying to get over Gibbs’s thoughts on Kate’s death â€" before answering.
“Hello?�
“Tony!� Abby said excitedly. “Guess what I just learned?�
He sighed. “I don’t know, Abbs. What?�
“Gibbs is coming home early!�
If Tony had been getting closer to sleep with every word he read a second ago, he was wide awake now.
“What? When is he supposed to get back?�
“I dunno. The next couple hours. He called me and told me his plane was about to take off and that he would probably be at work tomorrow.� Abby paused for a second. “Why do I get the feeling that you aren’t happy for him to be coming back?�
“It’s nothing, Abby. I just thought he’d be gone for a few more days, that’s all.�
It was Abby’s turn to sigh. “Fine. I’ll take that answer…for now. But, mark my words, DiNozzo, I will get the truth eventually.�
He chuckled. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be the Abby we all love so much, would you?�
“Okay, I’ll let you go. I still have to call Tim and Ziva to tell them they won’t have to deal with your version of the Gibbs slap anymore, they’ll have the real thing tomorrow.�
“Night, Abbs.�
He hung up and leaned back in the chair he’d been sitting in. Gibbs is coming home, he thought. At that thought, he jumped out of the chair, grabbed his keys and the journal, and ran down to his car. Gibbs coming home meant he had to put the journal back if he 1) still wanted his head and 2) still wanted his job.
So to Gibbs’s house he went. He just hoped that he had enough time to ditch the journal and leave before his boss got back.

He was surprised that he’d made it to Gibbs’s house with enough time to put the journal back and get the heck out of there before the speed demon got home from the airport. He was even more surprised that he’d been able to just leave after ditching the journal rather than snooping more. Instead, he got into his car and drove back to his apartment without a backwards glance. He was done thinking about the journal and Gibbs’s past.
Or so he thought. The next morning at work, like Abby’d told him the night before, Gibbs was sitting at his desk. He was reading through the reports they’d done on the case that’d just been closed and looked up at him through his glasses.
“Hey,Boss,� Tony said, surprising himself with how calm he was. “Welcome back.�
The older man nodded and went back to reading. Knowing that was about as much of a greeting he was going to get, Tony sat down at his desk, started up his computer and wished with all of his might that Tim or Ziva would walk in so he’d have someone else in the room to focus on.
That didn’t happen until almost twenty minutes later because Tim had gotten caught in traffic and Ziva had decided to be generous and make a coffee stop. Thankfully the day went by quickly after that.
The case was pretty open and shut so by midnight, they were doing their reports. Gibbs would sign off on them and let them go home to catch a few hours of sleep before work the next morning. And, of course, he left Tony’s report for last.
That left the senior field agent alone in the bullpen with the man he loved. He tried to busy himself with mindless computer games while his boss analyzed his report but he couldn’t get his mind to focus on anything other than the silver-haired man sitting just a few feet away.
“ DiNozzo,� Gibbs said, breaking the silence and startling Tony a little, “come here for a second. I need you to see something.�
Tony got up slowly and willed his knees to stop shaking. He stood in front of Gibbs’s desk until he started to speak again.
“I need you to read something.�
His hand went into a drawer and pulled out a small leather book. He held it out for Tony to take. But, Tony just eyed it warily. Gibbs couldn’t be serious.
“Uh…Boss…what is that?� he asked, deciding to play stupid for as long as he could. “I don’t understand.�
Gibbs sighed. “DiNozzo, next time you try snooping around my house, make sure to put whatever you take back in the right spot.�
“What are you talking about? I…uh…I didn’t snoop around your house. Boss, are you sure it wasn’t Abby?�
“Yeah, DiNozzo,� he smirked, “’cause Abby really lock my door after snooping around. Especially when I know I left it unlocked.�
Oh crap, Tony thought. I’m dead.
Gibbs’s smirk turned into a full-blown smile as he watched Tony shift his weight awkwardly between his feet. He chuckled lightly as the younger man tried several times to form a response. He could see the wheels turning in Tony’s head as he struggled to find a way to get him off the hook.
“Am I fired?�
He laughed again. “Now why’d you think that?�
“Uh.� Tony ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. It’s just that -�
“Tony, I’m kidding. You didn’t leave the door locked. But, you folded down the top corner of the page.�
He grimaced. “I did?�
Gibbs nodded and shrugged. “Thought you might as well read the rest of it. You’ve already read too much for you to just forget and I know you won’t be able to focus on your job until you get to the end.� He started to hand the journal over but pulled back for a second. “Just make sure to keep whatever you find out of the office. Got it?�
He tried to find a hint of joking in Gibbs’s face but didn’t find any. So, he just nodded solemnly. The journal was put into his hand and he was allowed to leave.
As he walked to the elevator, Tony couldn’t believe his luck. He hadn’t been killed or fired for snooping around Gibbs’s house and he got to read the rest.
Now I can figure out why in the hell Gibbs left in the first place.

I can’t remember anything, baby girl. I mean, I know why I can’t remember anything now, but it’s still a little unsettling. It feels like yesterday that Mike retired. And it was nine years ago. Or, at least that’s what they told me.
Tony could barely handle the scared feeling that Gibbs’s words left with him. Thankfully, even post-coma Gibbs still got straight to the point.
I had to leave. I couldn’t do my job knowing that I’d forgotten so much. Tony’s in charge of the team now and, even though I don’t really remember working with him, I know he’ll do a good job.
There was no mention of his adventures in Mexico and Tony was a little upset he didn’t get to know what Gibbs did for those four months. But, he got some insight when the bossman came back to help Ziva.
How could I’ve left this job? I mean, besides the whole memory loss thing. Looking back on it now, I could’ve probably worked through that with some help.
That’s weird, huh? Me asking for help? I don’t think I do that very often. Even when I know I should.
Tony read through the night. He made it to just after Jenny’s death before the alarm went off. He couldn’t remember reading this much in such a short amount of time. Even in college he didn’t read this much.
Gibbs noticed how tired he was though, which wasn’t exactly good. No active case meant paperwork for cold cases and when Tony’s head fell onto his desk for the third time, the boss all but dragged him into the elevator. The doors closed after them and the switch was pulled the next second.
“DiNozzo,� Gibbs growled, “what’d ya think you’re doing? Don’t you have enough sense to sleep when you need to work?�
“Boss, I had to get as far as I could.�
“Why?�
That one word question and the weird stare that he couldn’t remember seeing Gibbs give anyone made Tony a split second away from spilling his guts. But, the silver-haired man held up his hand and started talking again.
“Never mind. Just answer this. How far you’d get?�
“Jenny just died. The alarm went off before I could finish your rant about Vance splitting us up.�
Gibbs sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Tony was pretty sure that he heard a grumbled curse as he turned to pull the switch again.
I’m probably hearing things, Tony thought when he got back to his desk. Gibbs should be happy that I’m almost done prying.
He went back to typing quickly and hopefully appeared to be hard at work to the rest of the room. But he was actually typing an email to Abby.
He got as far as typing “I think I just screwed up horribly� before he realized that letting anyone know about his slip up would mean he’d have to explain the whole story. And he liked NCIS too much to cause an IAD fiasco. He deleted the message and got back to his actual work.
****************
Abby just gave me a deadline. I have to have Tony, Ziva, and Tim officially back in less than two weeks. I wanted to get them back before now but I already know that Vance doesn’t like me and I can’t do my job with him looking over my shoulder constantly. If I caused a fuss over them leaving, that would’ve happened.
Tony laughed. True. Very true.
And, just like the night before, he didn’t sleep. Tomorrow was Saturday and, if he finished it, he could have a chance to talk to Gibbs and then update his resume before going job hunting on Monday. He was bound to spill his guts when he showed up to return the journal and, after that, he would either be dead or jobless.
He hoped for neither but, when it came to Gibbs and his rules, those were the choices when anyone considered fiddling with the infamous number twelve.

Gibbs woke up early the next morning. Sure it was Saturday and he wasn’t’ on call but, his body wouldn’t let him sleep in from the years of being in the corps. At least that’s what he told himself. He didn’t want to admit, even to himself, that the real reason was because he knew Tony was supposed to show up at some point and that he was too nervous to sleep.
Not that he knew the younger man would even show up. He’d just stuck a note in the book before giving it to back to him to read the night before, telling him to come by to talk, no matter what time. He figured DiNozzo would be so eager to finish that he would put everything else on hold just to do so.
But, as Saturday came to an end, Gibbs hadn’t seen a sign of DiNozzo. He tried to stop the inkling of hurt he felt with a shrug but the thought that accompanied it â€" the thought of DiNozzo with a date â€" made it worse.
As he got ready for bed around eleven, he felt like a teenage girl whose crush rejected her because he reached for the journal that was supposed to be in the nightstand, intending to write to his daughter about it. She already knew everything about his life â€" with a few deletions, obviously.
Only, just after he opened the drawer, he remembered giving it to Tony. But, there it was, sitting in the drawer. He picked it up wondering how in the hell he hadn’t noticed that Tony had come into his house without him noticing. And why Tony had left without saying a word.
Inside, there was a note. It was nothing fancy, just a folded piece of paper with his name written neatly across it in Tony’s handwriting.
So, I know you told me to come by to talk to you when I finished, but I couldn’t. So, I just left after I put the book back in the drawer. You might be feeling either angry I didn’t follow instructions or upset I left without talking to you. Either way, I know you’re wondering why I wanted to know why you left so badly in the first place.
I wanted to know because you’re my boss and, you never took a vacation in the time I’ve worked for you, so I thought it was a little weird. I had to figure out why in case it was something like Jenny not telling us she was sick. I don’t think any of us could stand losing you again, boss.
I’m not going to go on and on about what happened in the past. It’s been too long and there’s no point. It won’t change anything. But, I have to mention one thing.
We would’ve helped you if you’d asked after Kate died. We know how much you thought of her like a daughter, even if only Ziva knew that you’d actually had a daughter of your own.
I don’t know how I can explain to you why I wanted to know why you left so bad except that, as you can probably guess, it’s more than just because you’re my boss and I’m nosier than a little girl.
Okay, Gibbs could sense Tony’s pause, there’s no other way to explain it to you except just to say it.
I love you. That’s it. I was worried when you left without more than a few words a couple weeks ago and I had to find out why, whether you knew if I knew or not.
This probably sounds stupid to you but I have to ask. Can you call me when you’re done reading? Just to let me know you don’t hate me for snooping.
Gibbs laughed. And, even though it was late, he dialed the number and waited impatiently for the man on the other end to answer. When the sleepy greeting came, he said just a few short sentences before hanging up.
“I love you too, DiNozzo. But, we still need to talk about this. Since you didn’t come to me, I’ll come to you.�
As he hung up and got ready to leave, Gibbs smiled. Just before he left his room he picked up the journal and wrote one sentence to his little girl.
Thank you, baby girl, for helping me find love again.