Dear Jethro,

I guess your wondering about the sheer size of this letter. When I told Tony I was going to write to you, he insisted he get to write one to you as well. So, you'll find a separate note from him in this envelope, also. I know this may seem like a strange request for me to make but I'm asking you to read mine through completely before getting to his. I also know you are probably very anxious to read what he has to say but, please, do as I ask. There are several things I should have told you over the years but have held back because of the nature of your job. I always tried to shelter Mike from certain things that happened here because he was in no position to help and I didn't want him to worry needlessly over things he couldn't do anything about. I guess I've treated you the same way. I apologize but, you have to understand, I just wanted you to keep your mind focused on staying alive and not to worry about us back home. Now, don't blow a gasket...everything is fine. There just have been a few incidents that have occurred that I think you should be aware of, especially since you are really coming home for good soon. Just remember, my interpretation of events may be different than Tony's. I don't know what he's written in his section because I promised I would respect his privacy, so just be prepared for anything.

First, we are fine and healthy and getting on with the day to day stuff that civilians do. We are very concerned about you, Jethro. It's been so long since we recieved any communication and you know how antsy we tend to get if too much time elapses. Okay, Tony gets more than a little antsy, he gets down-right buggy and, for him, that's not a good thing. Seriously, I hope you are well and safe and that our growing concern for you will be short-lived.

Your last correspondance was welcomed, of course, but we recieved it two weeks after it was dated. I know you can't tell us what you're involved with right now but, like I've indicated before, we follow the news and only know what we hear during the evening broadcasts or read in the papers each morning. The reports the public are getting about Bosnia are grim and there's been many nights Tony has gone to bed quiet and sullen. He asks hard questions here at home and at school and we don't have the answers he needs. His teachers assure me he behaves well in their classes but, when at home, he's starting to get more and more agitated, especially when the fighting in Bosnia is mentioned and American casualities are reported. For a boy who's not quite twelve, he has a tendency to worry about what's happening over there much more than he should. I wonder why?

I don't know what Tony is going to tell you. You should know I've always asked him to try and keep his problems to himself when speaking or writing to you, to keep you from worrying about him more than you already do. He's always done as I asked but, now, I think it was wrong for him to keep so much of his emotions masked. Plus, he has a mind of his own and, as he gets older, I realize he doesn't always see things the way I do. I guess that's called independence. If you want to talk to me about any of this when you get home, you know I'll always be available for you. I love you like a brother, Jethro, and I use to try to protect Mike just like this, also. Right or wrong, that's just the way I am.

Tony has been carrying around a lot of anger and hurt and, now that he's on the verge of becoming a teenager, he's getting to be a real handful. Doctor Amberg still see Tony whenever he feels the need and she assures me they are working on his attitude, trying to 'identify his hot spots of emotional discord' and 'redirect his anger and frustration toward more positive solutions'. Sometimes, I just wish he didn't need to keep seeing her, that he would magically be all right, and that he'd be just a normal kid.
Whatever 'normal' is anymore. I know he's going to go through a lot of changes soon and his body chemistry is going to play a huge part in his actions. I worry I may not be enough for him. I'm doing as much of the suggested reading concerning children like him and listening to the so-called experts but I'm still worried. Doctor Amberg believes his past traumas could acerbate his development and that he's still carrying feelings of abandonment, rejection, and inadequacy. You would never know by just looking at him or watching him play with his friends but, during certain moments, you can almost see that lost, lonely expression he wore when he was six fall into place. I don't know what he's thinking of or remembering at those times but it breaks my heart to realize he still has hurtful memories.

Right after Mike's death and that horrible incident with Robert DiNozzo here at the house, we had to watch Tony very carefully. It was an awful time for everyone. Doctor Amberg said he had a 'marked increase in anxiety'. I could have told her that. I'm glad her bill is being taken care of by someone else because, I swear, sometimes I feel like slapping her! We were living with him everyday and could see how the incidents affected him. Plus, he eventually had to go through the pain of facing Robert again during the court proceedings. There were several days prior to his testimony when he would be violently ill every time he tried to eat and we just thought he'd never be able to make it through. Thank God for Senator Hathaway. He had his personal physician on call for us 24/7 and we sure used him while we could. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it at the time but what good would it have done for you to know? Because you were still a part of the military, you were able to give your testimony through a sworn affidavit presented by a representative from NCIS and be back with your unit before the trial even started. There was really nothing you could have done.

When you changed your mind about getting your honorable discharge and went for one more tour, Tony was almost too much to live with. He would hole up in his room, being snippy and surly, throwing these huge tantrums and using language that would have even burned your ears. He pushed us hard. I was in tears a lot and Jimmy's blood pressure soared. One time, he made Jimmy so furious he just lost control, whipping off his belt, and headed directly for Tony's room, intending to 'set him straight' about his behavior. He made it all the way upstairs and actually had his hand on the door knob before he realized what he was about to do. I'll never forget the look in Jimmy's eyes when he turned back to face me. He threw that belt down like it burned his skin, ran quickly to the bathroom, and vomited so hard I actually thought I was going to have to take him to the emergency room. Jimmy had his first appointment with Doctor Amberg shortly after that.

Then, Senator Hathaway began making demands for visitation rights. I guess we should have expected it to happen but it did throw us for a loop. I don't know if Tony ever told you but he has carried a lot of fear about his grandfather taking him away from us. When Hathaway contacted us and told us of his intentions, we were so afraid he was taking steps in that direction. Jimmy met with him on several occasions, told me he thought Hathaway just wanted the chance to connect with his only grandchild, and there was no indication it would ever lead to us losing him. Anyway, when we finally broke the news to Tony, he went ballistic, accusing us of not wanting or loving him, and that he just wouldn't go. He even tried to run away. He didn't get too far. Guess where he was going? He let us know he was going to find you and that, 'Gunny would never throw me away like a piece of trash'. Yep, that's what he said. It killed our souls to hear him say he thought we felt he was disposable. It took awhile for things to settle down and for him to understand he would always be coming home to us. But he still watches me every time I pack his duffle for his visits. He refuses to take any of his favorite things, is insistent on leaving those possessions here, and gets upset if I even suggest taking his baseball glove. I don't think he likes going for those visits very much but he's accepted it as a fact of life now and doesn't do too much sulking. I think Hathaway is exposing him to a lot of art and culture, things that may not be too exciting for a young boy, but I hope, someday, Tony will appreciate what his grandfather is trying to do for him.

The worse time was right after Jimmy died. I know you couldn't be here with us and I really appreciated your calls and letters. Unfortunately, I don't think Tony ever understood why you weren't here and he may indicate that in his letter to you. Just be prepared. It was a bad time for both of us and, even though I tried to be supportive of him, I was pretty messed up myself. I still have my moments. I try not to let Tony see my sadness but I know he does anyway. I swear, Jethro, sometimes I look into those expressive green eyes and see an old man staring back at me. He feels too much, he sees too much, he knows too much. The little boy is gone and I don't know how to get him back. He has even taken to hovering around me at times, asking if I'm feeling okay, if I need him to do anything. Doctor Amberg thinks he may be concerned about losing me to some illness, afraid I may die, too. I try to assure him but, deep down, I realize none of us knows when our time will be up. Look how Mike and Jimmy died: one with a bullet to the heart and the other by a drunk driver.

Jimmy was Tony's substitute father figure, his baseball buddy, his closest male role model. He finally had someone willing to treat him like a son and it was taken away from him after five short years. I know he'll always remember Jimmy and I know he learned many good, moral lessons from him but I'm afraid he's entering into a time in his life when he'll need a strong male presence to keep him on the right track. He's already talking about sex, which is normal for a boy his age, but how am I going to explain everything he really should know? Yes, I realize there are plenty of single moms out there taking care of this problem every day and producing responsible teenagers but I was not prepared for this. To be honest, Jimmy and I were childhood sweethearts and I may not be as knowledgeable as others about certain aspects. Tony has Health and Wellness in school this year and will get more in middle school next year but, we both know, if his questions are not answered, he'll get information from someone who may not be accurate or kind. He'll probably be listening to Jeffery who, unfortunately, has already been caught with suggestive magazines at school. Can you believe it? Fifth graders with porn. What's happening to society?

Well, I guess I should end now so you can read what Tony has to say. Please remember, Jethro, I never meant to keep things from you because I thought you didn't have the right to know. You have more rights than anyone. I just felt the timing was wrong. We miss you terribly and pray for your safe return. Please try to contact us as soon as you can, even if it's just a word or two, to let us know you're okay.

Much love as always,
Candace

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Hi, Gunny,

I thought it was time to write to you. I usually wait for Candace to get a letter from you to find out how you're doing but it's been so long since we've heard anything and I got scared. So, that's why I am writing to you. Candace tells me not to worry about you, that you can take care of yourself. I know that. She doesn't have to tell me things like that. But it's not you I'm really worried about. It's the people you are fighting. I worry that one of them might shoot you like Mike got shot. He could take care of himself, too, but he's dead now because of someone else. Candace would be mad at me if she knew I was writing this stuff to you. She says I shouldn't write anything that might upset you, that your job is hard enough without me telling you these things, but I don't care. I want to tell you how I feel. She promised she wouldn't read my letter before she puts it in the envelope, so I'm just going to tell you. I watch the news and read the papers, sometimes. I know things are not good in Bosnia. My teachers talk about it sometimes. Do you have to be there? Can't you go someplace else? When are you coming home?

I'm okay. Candace is okay. School is okay.

Well, school really sucks big time but summer vacation will be here soon and then I'll be happier. Except I have to go stay with my grandfather for two weeks sometime in July and that sucks even bigger. Two whole weeks. What am I going to do there with him for two whole weeks? Everytime I go for a weekend visit, I have to wear nice clothes just to eat dinner each night. He doesn't like baseball and he always takes me some place stupid like a museum or to the symphony or some other boring place. And there's no other kids around. Just old people. Except for Grandfather's new wife. She's really young and hot. Okay, I'm not suppose to say that either. But she is. I don't know why she married him. Jeffery says she probably has sex with him so he'll buy her lots of fancy things. I asked Candace if she thought that could be true and she got really angry with me. She told me I should ask you. What do you think? Oh! He does have this really awesome indoor swimming pool, with diving boards and everything. I like the pool. That's about the only thing.

When are you coming home? I really miss talking to you about things. Doctor Amberg says I should tell you how I feel about things but Candace tells me to be careful about what I say. I get so confused sometimes. When I get confused I get angry and then I say things I guess I shouldn't. I got really mad at Jimmy one time and said some awful things to him and Candace and now I feel bad because he's not here anymore. I wish I hadn't said those things to him. Do you think he hated me for saying those things? I miss him and I miss you. Why didn't you come home after he died? I thought you would be here but you didn't come. Why? Candace said you couldn't but I don't know if that was the truth. She gets sad a lot and I know it's because Jimmy's dead. Sometimes, at night, I can hear her crying in her room. I don't know what to do when she cries, Gunny. I don't know what to say to make her hurt go away. I tell her I love her but it's not the same. I think it's like what you told me a long time ago, that people love different people in different ways. Like how you loved Mike and how you love me. You still love me, don't you? Okay, that was stupid. I'm sorry. Sometimes, I just get all these mixed up feelings and say stupid things. I asked Doctor Amberg what I could do to help Candace and she said for me just to be here for her. Where else would I go?

Jeffery's mom and dad got a divorce. He acts like it doesn't bother him but I think it does. He still lives next door to us with his mom and gets to see his dad on weekends and other days, so he's happy about that. We camped out in the back yard a couple weeks ago and it was so cool. I like to camp out. Candace says it's not real camping since we can come inside if we get cold or hungry or need to use the bathroom but it was fun. We're going to do it again soon. Jeffery asked me about my real mom and dad and I didn't know what to say. Grandfather has shown me pictures of my mom, when she was young, but he doesn't have any of my dad and got real angry when I tried to ask questions. He gets real scary when he's angry and I don't like it. I don't ask him questions anymore.

I guess that's all for now. I really wish you would write or call or something to let us know you are okay. I miss you so much, Gunny. When are you coming home?

Love,
Tony


FIN
"Through the Years: Twelve" in the works.