I Understand






I go through the motions of living
but I don't really have a life
I don't understand how
I made it this far

I push myself forward
to watch everything flash by
to watch loved ones die
I feel the pain so deep inside
I wonder why
no one sees it in my eyes

are my tears invisible?
are my sobs unheard?
or is it that no one
wants to take the time to care

Here is the outpouring of my soul
to give you the smallest glimps
of what goes on inside
my tortured mind

I watch others laugh and smile
there lives so seemingly perfect
and I can only wonder
what is their secret pain?

I push myself forward
to watch everything flash by
to watch loved ones die
I feel the pain so deep inside
I wonder why
no one sees it in my eyes

Are they too busy
dealing with their own pain?
Why can't we all help eachother?
comfort eachother in our agony?

Are we too caught up in our own torture
to take the time to realize
that we can help others
if not ourselves

We can support our fellow people
and learn to grow and heal
If we learn to listen
to what others feel.

We can make lives for ourselves
if we take the time to care
about someone
who doesn't dwell in our mirrors

I've told you my story
and so many others
go through the same thing too
what's your story?
so we can support you.


Tony shut the compositon book solemnly. No one knew about his secret habit, no one knew his secret talent. Kate had, but she'd left him, with only the sizable hole in his heart to show for it. He wanted to tell somebody how he felt, but it was nearly impossible, Kate was the only person he'd ever confided in and she died shortly after.

While he'd laid in the bed, the plague ripping through his immune system, he felt compelled to tell her, so his poem's wouldn't be unread forever. How was it, then he was the one so close to dying and her safe, now she was dead and he alive. He knew he had to tell someone, but who would possible understand, she wasn't just a friend to him, he loved her with all his heart.

Crazy how life seemed to tear him down from his shiny pedestal and dropped him to the dirt below. He'd fallen hard the day he first saw the beautiful secret service agent, the joy he'd felt when he heard she'd be joining the team. If only it had been him, what if he had moved in front of her, saved her from that fate. The guilt still plagued to this day, and that damned bastard Ari. He wished he'd been the one to kill him, he'd have done it with his bare hands and torn him limb from limb. The pleasure in watching Ari die would have only lifting some of his pain, but some nonetheless.

He slammed his fists on the table in a fit of rage, why had she been forced to leave him?! It wasn't fair! Grabbing the composition book he prepared to rip it apart, but two gentle hands took it from him.

"Tony, I love your poetry. Please don't waste your talent," a beautifully soft voice soothed him.

"Kate?" The name slipped out like sand from his fingers.

"Shhh...no Tony. It's me Karianna, your going to wake the children," his wife warned him and she took a moment to read the poem, "How long am I going to have to play second fiddle to a dead woman?"

"Kari? I'm sorry, I just miss her and how did you know about my poetry?" He asked quietly.

"Katie found it and showed it to me," Karianna answered him softly.

"Katie looks so much like her namesake, it's like God gave me an angel to help the pain," Tony said dreamily, "I've got three little angels."

Karianna had to smile, their children really were angels, Katie, Angel and Will were her life and soul. They were Tony's too and she knew it, but he wasn't around enough. Always at the cemetary, just staring at his lost loves gravestone or at work, drowing the pain in the danger he put himself into. It's not that she didn't respect his job, she was just scared for him.

"Tony, come to bed," she coaxed, it was very late.

"I want to go visit Kate and the office needs me. I have to get back to work. I'm sorry Kari, I really am," Tony told himself bracing for her anger, it was the fourth time this week he'd used that excuse. It was the same argument each time.

He didn't expect her to grab his wrists and drag him out of the house with strength he didn't know she had, "You hate the fact you lost her, you miss her. That I understand, but you are letting it run your life. Your children miss you and you're never here for them or me! How can you talk about supporting someone else's pain. What about the pain this family suffers! You don't support us emotionly. Want to here my story, I married the man I loved with all my heart, who saved my life. I knew he lost the love of his life, but I hoped and prayed I could help make it better. Instead I was constantly compared to a woman who is never coming back. Do you not understand she would want you to be happy! She wouldn't want this for you! You loved her and lost her, I thought you could love me too. Tony, you may have never loved me, but you just lost me and the kids!" The door slammed in his face and he reached for his keys, he had left them inside.

Tears fell in torrents down his face, he'd lost everything now. Tony wandered aimlessly until he found himself at the graveyard, where Kate had been buried, "Kate...what have I done?"

As he stood there, tears still falling, he realized everything Kari had told him was true. He'd greived too long, he'd never shown Kari that he loved her and he had yet to help his kids with their homework. He did love Kari, he just didn't know how he could love both of them. Everytime he was having fun with Karianna, Kate popped into his mind. How could he forget her for even a moment, how could he have fun without her?

His feet started to move again and he found himself in front of a small 24 hour jewelery shop. Walking inside, something caught his eye immediatly, showcase of three necklaces, an antique locket and two angel chains. On impulse he bought them and a red poppy pin that reminded him of William's bright personality.

He ran with an energy that he'd never had before and knocked on the door of his house, pleading, "Kari, sweetheart! It's me, you were right. Baby, I do love you," his cries showed how desperate he was to prove his words.

The door came open and she found Tony on his hands and knees crying, "Tony?"

"I'm sorry, please forgive me. I promise no more overtime and...and..." he trailed off, hoping she'd believe his honesty and forgive him. He held out the locket to her and she gasped, "I have to prove to you that I love you. I love Kate too, but she's stored in a place in my heart and I'll never forget her. My heart is still yours, I love you and I don't want this to be our end."

She pulled him up from the stoop and hugged her husband tight, "Tony, it's beautiful, but don't let me have to kick you out everytime you forget what's important. The living are right in front of you and the dead are behind you, it's alright to grieve, but life must go on."

"I know it took me tonight to figure it out, Kari..." he trailed off nervously.

"Yeah?" She looked at him confused as he gazed into her eyes.

"Will you marry me? Again?" He pulled out the soft velvet box, he'd bought at the store. It suited her to a "T" and she deserved it for putting up with him for so long.

"Yes, Tony. I will," Her eyes filled up with her own tears.

"I'm willing to take you up on your offer now," he smiled and before he joined his wife in bed, he placed the angels necklaces on each of his girls' bedstands and the pin of his son's.

"Kate...I love you, but I love Kari too, and she's here, you're not," he whispered into the air, " I'll never forget you, I know you understand," and with that he drifted of to sleep, his wife in his arms.

Karianna smiled, if only he knew the truth... "I do understand," she whispered breathily, carefully not to wake her sleeping love.