Chapter 1.
Murphy's law.

She was gone… they were laughing on the roof of an abandonned building, joking about the chance she had had of wearing a bullet proof jacket. And then, they had heard that sound, a soft sound. She was between them, hoping that this day would be finally over without anybody being hurt...
Her head had been blown awy by a bullet. A bullet fired from the opposite building by that bastard. When he had looked at her, she was lying on the floor, a little red circle on her forehead, her eyes still open... but there was no life anymore in her eyes.
He had made that nightmare once. He had seen her in Ducky's lab, dead on one of his table. It had come true and he was the one responsible for what had happened. He had read it in His eyes... Tony had tried to hide it but he knex that he was the one blamed for her death.

Now, they were back in the office. He sat at his desk trying to wash away the guilt, the sorrow and the pain, trying to be the boss, the one in charge, trying to help them.
Abby had found refuge in McGee's arms. He would stay with her and he was glad that someone would take care of her.
Tony was at his desk, shoulders bent, his expression unreadable. He was still weak from Y-Pestis he had been infected with only days before. Dark circles were still drawn under his eyes. He had been scared for the first time in years, scared of losing him. He had spent every nights at the hospital... not in his bedroom but in the hall. Tony had never been aware of his visits but he had stayed there waiting for the younger man to fall asleep.
He had accomplished the same ritual each night, as the nurse told him Tony was sleeping, he entered the quiet room. He needed to hear him breath, see by himself that he was alive and safe.
Tony would never know what he had felt but there were some times when he couldn't stay away. But today, Tony seemed so far from him. What he had read in his eyes had frozen him inside. It should have been him.
He had warned Ari that night not to touch her, he had no right to kill one of his people. It should have been him...

Tony couldn't stay still, he had to move, to do something. He wasn't the kind of man who stood by the side of the road. He couldn't believe she was dead... No more jokes, no more teasing, he would never hear her again. Even if they had not been close friends, they had shared much in two years.
She had stayed with him in that quarantine room, pretending to be ill too. She had helped him up when he couldn't breath because of teh cough. He felt so tired now, but he knew that he would be restless until they caught Ari. No, it would be better to kill him himself.
He looked at Gibbs. His boss seemed to be in control, sad off course but the professional was stil here. Hell the man was always in control. He had thought Gibbs would never make a mistake. He was always right, an instinct infallible but this time he had fucked up.
He had misunderstood the threat. It was not the first Ari had fooled one of them. The first time, Gibbs had taken a bullet in the shoulder but today Kate was dead killed by Ari's bullet, the one he had reserved to Gibbs.
He couldn't help feeling angry at him. Ari was playing with him for a year and Gibbs had let him play, hunting him. It had become his personnal quest. So personal that he hadn't allowed any of them to help, blind with anger. He had been unable to see what Ari was planing certainly from the begining.

Ducky entered the quiet room. He had been in charge of Kate's body after they had secured the area. Tony hoped that he had talked to her like he always did. Not that he believed in after life but he needed to be sure she was not alone.
The Me went directly to Gibbs'desk, he had a report to do even if every one what and who had killed her.

-What do you have, Ducky?
Gibbs' voice was weak as if the man was unable to speak louder. As if telling things out loud would make what had happened too real to bear.
-Well, it's quite what you already know. The bullet went through the head causing a massive bleeding. The death was immediate. She didn't suffer, she never realised what happened.
-Thanks, Ducky. That bastard knew wat he was doing, he was aiming at her.
-You doubted it!

It was the first time Tony talked to his boss until Kate's death and he couldn't hide his bitterness.
-He almost told you what he was going to do. You didn't read the signs right this time and it caused her death.
-Tony, he told me he had a contract to kill me. And the FBI agreed. I had no reason to doubt that information...
-Oh! Come on, Gibbs! You are a better investigator than that. It would have been the first tim you believed the FBI on something. Killing you was not the only way to reach you...

The two men were face to face in the middle of the office. They had approached while speaking and their voices had raised so that everybody in the room was now looking at them. All the witnesses could feel the tension in both of them but nobody draed to intervene.
Even Ducky knew better than t come in the way. Things needed to be said or heard even if he feared they were not going to use only words.
-We did our job, tday like every other day, Agent Dinozzo. We saved many people and Kate knew that her job was important. She knew the risks...
-Sure, we all know. But it was a revenge, your quest... It shouldn't have been her...

Gibbs winced at Tony's angry words. He understood too well what his Agent meant..
I know, Tony it should have been me.
He had already told himself that sentence hundredth times but it was different hearing Tony reproaching him her death so clearly.
-So that's all! She's dead and what? We go on like nothing happened. How can you believe that it would ever be the same?...
He wanted to tell him that he didn't know how he would be able to do his work now that he had one of his team member's blood on his hands. But it was not wwhat a boss had to say, it was not what they needed him to say. They waited for him to be strong and help them going on.
If Tony needed soemeone to blame, somebody to be angry at... He would be this one, allowing him to grieve for his friend.
-She was nothing more than a collegue for you?
-We have a job to do and I believe that we sometimes can make the difference. What we are fighting for here is much more important than any of us. So, Yes, I will go on doing my job whatever it may cost!

The words had never seemed so hard to tell. God knew that Kate had been more than a team mate but he couldn't grieve... not now. There would be a time for that... He couldn't afford it while Ari was still out there planning another assassination.

Tony was looking at him as he had realised that he had never known the man before him. How could he have been so wrong about Gibbs? The man he respected the most. Tony was aware of the importance of their job but Gibbs couldn't stay there and tell him that without a blink. He was more than he could stand...
-If you think so, we have nothing more to do in the same team. I will ask for a transfert after Kate's burial.
-I won't allow you to turn your back on the job!
Gibbs closed the gap between them and put a hand on Tony's arm. It wasn't supposed to be taken as a threat but the younger man jerked at the contact. Gibbs didn't want him to go away while he was still recovering from a serious illness and grieving a friend.

-Don't dare tell me what I should do or not!
-I will as longer as I would think that you are unable to make the right decision.
-Because you know what is good for me? ... Like you knew for Kate when you hired her. Now, let me go before I do something I would regret.
The threat was obvious but Gibbs didn't think Tony would ever be angry enough to hit him. He didn't move nor release his hold.
-This kind of bevahiour won't do you any good!
Tony looked at his boss and Gibbs saw that the younger man was pretending to be mad at him. He had never seen him like that before.
-Let me go!

Gibbs felt the tension in Tony's left arm as he turned. He knew what the younger man was planning to do but he couldn't let him now. He was aware that if Tony had left the room now, he would never see him again. Tony had moved fast and Gibbs was unable to avoid the fist that hit him on the face.
Tony had put all his strength on that punch. He saw Gibbs fall and heard the sound of his head colliding with the desk behind him, Kate's desk. He was almostrelieved as he saw the blood on his face. He had wanted him to suffer, to feel in his body waht Kate's death had made to him, to them.

Gibbs was on the floor, his vision blurred by blood. His head hurt but he was still conscious. He heard Ducky's voice asking him to try to open his eyes. He realised that he was about to pass out.
Tony had not left the room, frozen by the sight of what he had done. He was looking at Gibbs, his boss, the one he had believed unable to fail...the one responsible for his friend's death. He turned as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Abby was at his side and she was talking to him. He understood without really herwords that she was telling him to seat down.
He let her guide him to his chair. He sighed realising that he was now feeling dizzy and a bit desoriented.

-Jethro, stay with me!
Ducky had knelt at Gibbs'side hiding him from Tony's view. He was aware that he had lost his job but, for now, he didn't care. He had not been fair telling gibbs that it should have been him killed on that roof instead of Kate. But he couldn't help thinking that she would still be there if Gibbs had been able to understand what Ari had said.
He hadn't realised that Ducky was looking at him until the Me talked to him.
-Are you done, Anthony?
He didn't raise his head. He didn't need a sermon on whathe had done and how wrong he had been in his judgement.
-Do you really think it's the best way to honorher memory?
-I don't know, Ducky. I know I should have let my feelings take the control but I couldn't help it.... He isn't even upset... I wanted him to feel...
-The same as you? You know perfectly well that he is as upset as we all are and he doesn't need you to tell him it's his fault. He alrealdy feels guilty for that.
-If you say so!
-I thought you had learnt not to judge on appearances. You work with him for three years...

Tony knew that Ducky was right off course but he had not taken time to think. As tension eased in his body and soul he realised that he may have hurt Gibbs badly.
-How is he?
-You didn't miss him. He bumped hs head on Kate's desk. The gash is not large but I sent Timothy search my case to make some stitches. The bleeding has stopped but he is uncouncious.
-God, I didn't want to hurt him. I really messed up this time, Ducky?
-He ill understand, Anthony. He is not the heartless bastard you seem to believ him to be. I thought you were a better judge of person.

They were interrupted by a moan from Gibbs who was trying to sit. They both ran to him knowing he would be unable to stand alone.
-Take it easy, Jethro. You were uncouncious for a while. Do you remember what happened?
They helped him siiting on the floor. Gibbs rested his head on the desk behind him trying to fight back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. Everything came back to him.
-She is ded!
He had tried to clear his voice but Tony heard the sadness in his sentence. He realised for the first time that his boss was hiding his emotions behind a pretended coldness. It was his way of dealing with the loss.
-Yes Jethro. Caitlin is gone. What else do you remember?
-You mean except for the fact that I killed her!
Gibbs had not noticed that Tony was also at his side. It was easy to be honest with Ducky. A long time frienship had made it easier for him to trust the ME. He was the only one to know about his true feelings for Tony. He had confessed his feelings to him while they were waiting in the hospital.
-Do you know why you are on the floor with a deep gash on your forehead?
-Yeah, Ducky. I know but I'm fine.
-It was me boss. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You'll have my demission on your desk by tomorrow.

Gibbs turned his head in the direction of the voce regretting immediatly the move as a wave of pain made him close his eyes. He breathed slowly trying not to pass out again. When he opened his eyes he met Tony's concerned look on him.
-I don't want your demission, Tony. If you feel you can't work with me anymore I would accept for a transfert. But I hope you won't come to that. I've lost an irreplaceable memeber of my team today and I don't want to lose one more... But he you think you can't trust me anymore, I can understand.

Gibbs had said the last words in a whisper hoping that Tony would understand that he didn't want him to leave.
-I need time to make a decision, boss. For now I'm not sure to know what I want.
-Take all the time you need. I will ask Morrow for personnal leave for you, but prmise me you won't stay alone. You are still weak from the Y-Pestis. You need someone to take care of you.
Tony was amazed to hear Gibbs so concerned. He had just hit him, knocking him out and the man was thinking of his well-being. Ducky looked at Gibbs.
-Who will take care of you, Jethro?
-I was thinking of my boat and a bottle of bourbon!
-The only thing you are going to do tonight would be take some painkillers and go to bed. Besides alcohol is forbiden when you have a concussion.
-Okay, doctor.
Gibbs had tried to smile but he had only managed a wince.
-I think Timothy is lost. We should go to my lab, you need to be X-rayed. Tony, if you can help him stand.
-Sure Ducky.

Gibbs realised he was too weak to wak on his own so he leaned on Tony, allowing the younger man to take most of his weight.
-I'm sorry boss. I didn't mean what I said. It was unfair and unjustified.
-I know you enough to tell that you wouldn't have said that if it was not at least part true... and you were right. It's my fault. I was obsessed by theman and I didn't see what he was planning. I'm sorry Tony.
Tony was stunned to hear such a confession from a man he thought unable to express his feelings. They arrived at Ducky's lab and he helped Gibbs sitting on a table. The exam revealed a mild concussion. Ducky gave him two pills for the headache.
You can't stay alone tonight!
-I'm fine Ducky. If I feel dizzy I'll call you I promise.
-You can stay with me, boss or I can follow you at your house.
-I don't think it would be a good idea. You don't owe me anything. I'll be fine.
-Head trauma are serious injuries. You need someone to look after you every two hours. It's Anthony or a nurse at the hospital. Your choice.

Ducky knew that he could oblige him not to stay alone but he had totry. He knew that Gibbs would have prefered to grieve alone but he needed, like anybody else, to have someone to help him go through this. And Tony was the only one he would allow to stay with him.
-I'm a grown man, Ducky. I can take care of myself. I don't need you to threaten me.
He began to stand up saying the last words avoiding any other reply.
-Tony, you take all the time you need to make a decision. But don't forget we need you on the team.
Gibbs had to leave them, leave the office. It had been a hard day and he knew he wouldn't be able to pretend to be fine for long. He had no strength left and he could feel his last barriers falling apart.
-Ducky I want your complete report on my desk tomorrow. Go home. We all need some rest!
Gibbs walked to the automatic doors but before going through he turned abruptely and examined the room.

Ducky saw his hesitation.
-Is there something wrong Jethro?
-Where is she? You don't put her on your littlle boxes. You know she didn't like small spaces...
Ducky realised the extend of his friend sorrow and knew he wa about to break down. He walked to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.
-Her parents came an hour ago and they took her home. They didn't want her to stay alone as the burial is in two days.
-It's good that they could come so fast.
He exited the room feeling older than hours ago.

TBC...

Chapter 2
A harsh discussion.

Tony and Ducky stayed quiet for a while exhausted by thelast events. Everything could go wrong in an eye-blink and the worst had happened...
-How could I have been so wrong about him?
-You were too upset and too tired. You need time to accept the fact she had left us... We all need time.
-Do you think he will be fine?
-I don't knw, Anthony. He doesn't share his feelings with anyone and he expect a lot from himself. He thinks he had failed her. He is exhausted physicaly and emotionaly. After what happened to you...
-What? He was not responsible fo the Y-Pestis.
-You hadn't understood how he react when something happens to one of us. He cares a lot for you and whatever happens to you... it brings back the feeling that he should have prevented it.
Tony thought about what Ducky had just said. Ducky had known Gibbs for years and he was certainly right .
-I should go with him. He shouldn't be driving. Bye Ducky.
-Good night, Anthony.
Ducky smiled as Tony exited the room in a hurry. They were both stubborn but maybe something good would come out of this nightmare.

Tony walked to the parking to find Gibbs leaning on his car.
-You don't think of driving this car, Boss?
-Gibbs had heard him coming and was relieved that it was Tony.
-In fact, I was thinking of calling a cab as I'm not sure I would even be able to open that door. My problem is that I don't know where my cell is.
-Okay, let me drive you home.
-You'll have to find the keys first.
Tony looked at his Boss and saw that he had closed his eyes and rested his head on the glass of the door.
-Are you okay?
-I'm not quite sure. I think I would be better in the car.
-Sure, as soon as I've found the keys.
-In my pocket...
-May I ask you why you haven't opened the door yourself?
Gibbs took a deep breath and looked up at Tony.
-I was not certain I would be able to stay up if I didn't keep my hands on that door.
-I didn't realise that your injury was so painful. Let me help you.

Tony found the keys in Gibbs jacket's pocket and opened the door. He helped the older man in. As Gibbs was half laid, half sat he turned the ignition on and drove to Gibbs' home.
He was so tired that he took the wrong way and was obliged to drive back to the last junction. Gibbs was asleep in the passenger seat and Tony didn't know if he should drive him home or at the nearest hospital.
They arrived at Gibbs' house and Tony parked the car in the alley. He rested hi head on the steering wheel breathing deeply.
-Are you all right, Tony?
He hadn't seen that Gibbs was awake. He looked at him and smiled. The concerned look on his boss' face warmed him a bit.
-Let's say, I'm as good as you.
-Okay, forget my question. I think I will need some help to go out of the car and walk inside. Then you can go home with the car. I won'tneed it tonight.

Gibbs had already opened the door not waiting for Tony's reply. The younger man was at his side as he exited the car. Tony saw the wince of pain on Gibbs' face and put an arm around his waist to help him walk.
-I think your neighbours will talk if they see us like that.
Tony couldn't help laughing at the remark his boss just made.
-They are not used to see you bring gorgeous guy home? I'm sorry if I ruined your reputation.
Gibbs laughed and looked at Tony seeing the younger man smiling at him. His head was spining and he leaned more on Tony's shoulder. Tony stopped walking at the pression.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, but I will lay down as soon I opened that door.
-Well! I could carry you inside if you want that old lady who is looking at us behind his curtains to have a heart attack.
-You are almost too tired to carry yourself. And I think Mrs Anderson would be very happy to spread the news of my fourth wedding .
-They would perhaps buy us gifts!
-Don't make me laugh. Besides what would you do with a food processor?
-We may make a list.

They finally entered the house and Gibbs sat heavily on his couch. Tony knew the house and wet to the bathroom. He came back a minute later with a glass of water and a wet towel.
Gibbs was laid on the couch now. He hadn't even take the time to get rid of his jacket. Tony put the towel on his forehead and put the glass on the coffe table.
-Thanks, Tony!
-It's the least I can do after what I said and done. I'm truly sorry boss. I was... I am...
-Upset, angry... You have the right to have these kind of feelings.
-But I had no right of accusing you of her death.
-Well... It was hard to hear you say it but I'm aware of my responsability in Kate's death.
-No, you were right, risk is a part of our job. I think it was too hard to loose her like that. It was childish of me to turn my anger on you.
-I'm your boss. I was supposed to protect you, all of you.
-So what? You were supposed to breath this white powder instead of me? You were supposed to take the bullet for her? You couldn't do anything to save her.
-I should have tried harder. Maybe it would have been enough.
-Maybe, maybe not. You can think about it the way you want but the facts are that you aren't the one who pulled the trigger.
-It doesn't make it easier to accept.
-I know.

They stayed quiet for a long moment lost in their thoughts, trying to find the better way to deal with their friend's death.. tony's previous anger seemed to be gone replaced by sorrow. Gibbs could see how painful it was for him. Tony looked at Gibbs who was rubbing his eyes. The older man was obviously tired.
-You should try to sleep. I will stay here tonight.
-You don't need to do that, Tony. You knw I don't blame you for what happened.
-I know but you need someone to keep an eye on you... So I volunteered.
-You've never volunteered for anything before?
-Okay, let's say that Ducky found the right words to convince me.
-I see... Thanks, Tony.
-My pleasure, Sir.
Gibbs closed his eyes trying to erase the picture of Kate bleeding on the roof of that building.

Tony sat on a chair next to the couch taking a magazine from Gibbs' collection. He wasn't surprised to find several mags referring to boat building but he was more wonder to find the last edition of the National Geographic. Hewas lost in an article about the last researches on Mayan culture when he heard his boss moan in his sleep.
He watched him and saw that he was moving in his sleep... probably a nightmare. It was understandable. Tony didn't know if he would b able to sleep tonight. He didn't really know what to do. Gibbs was not the kind of man who would accept being conforted... but he couldn't let him wander in a bad dream. He knew too well what he was dreaming about.

He stood up and placed a gentle hand on his boss' shoulder trying to awake him softly. He knew better than to shake the former Marine awake...
-Hey, boss... Wake up...
He was astonished when Gibbs sat abruptly screaming his name. He would have bet that Gibbs was dreaming of Kate's death but obviously he had been wrong. He wasn't sure why his boss was dreaming about him but it must have been traumatic because Gibbs seemed to be still prisoner of his dream.
-It's okay, Boss. It was a nightmare...

Gibbs realised that someone was talking to him and he turned to face Tony who had sat on the coffe table. He had often bad dreams lately and the main character was always Tony... he had pictured him ill, injured... But this time he had seen him dead a bullet hole in his forehead.
He was aware of Tony's concerned look and managed to clear his voice enough to reassure him.
-I'm fine. It was only a bad dream.
-I'm not sure to be happy to have the main role in one of your nightmare... Did I steal your coffee?

Tony had tried to make him smile but he was getting worrier when he heard Gibbs shaking voice.
-If only it could have been something like that.
-Wanna talk about it?
-Not really. I'd prefer forget about it all!
-As you wish but someone once told me that it was better to talk about what bothered you. Otherwise it would eat you from the inside. You should try to think about it sometimes.
-And you should try to follow your own advices.
-I did... Didn't I punch you? It was my way to deal with my anger. I was angry at me because I had been unable to protect a collegue... and...
-At me for being my usual bastard!
-It's your word... but you seemed to be so in control. I thought you deserved to feel as upset as me...
-
Gibbs sighed as he realised that he had been wrong to think that they needed him to be strong. They only had wwanted him to be close to them...
-You know I couldn't show what I felt at that time!
-Maybe but it seemed so unfair.
-I'm sorry Tony I should have understood what you needed at that time. I thought I couldn't allow myself to feel...
-And now? We are not at the office anymore... We can talk or is it that you can't show your feelings in front of me?
6it's a part of the problem, maybe...
-So what? You intend on burying deep inside and try to forget?

Gibbs could hear the anger back in Tony's voice.
-I didn't mean it and you know it...!
-No, I don't know... I don't know how you feel.. Hell! I don't even know you. You never showed any emotion... never really allow someone close to you no matter what happened. This time it's different, I can't believe you don't feel anything! You can't be so heartless!
Gibbs couldn't face him anymore as he heard the last word. He looked at his shoes waiting for Tony's next reply. But the younger man was only looking at him. He seemed to wait too for his boss to say something, to share what he felt...

-What do you want to hear?
-The truth for once! What you felt, what you thought on that roff...
-You want to know what I felt when I saw her on the floor, his blood spreading around her head...?
Tony winced at the crude description but he went on without flinching.
-Yeah, Boss. That's exactly what I need to know.
-I can't tell you because I'm not sure that you would accept what it reaaly means.
-Could you be more specific. I can't understand why I would have to accept it or not... It's not a difficult question.. What did you feel when you realised she had been shot at?

Tony had closed the gap between them as if he wanted to prevent him from escaping. Ths time he would oblige him to answer.
-Don't tell me you don't know... I was there, I even hadher blood on my face...
Tony was so close that Gibbs could feel his breath. H could feel the pressure the younger was putting on him and he realised for the first time what suspects might feel when interrogated by him. The man was good at that.
Gibbs could have been able to resist if he hadn't felt so weak but he had not enough strength to fight against him.
-I saw her fall. I knew she was dead, I knew it was him. I tried to see where he was...
-I didn't ask you to state the facts...
-I thought... I needed to kill him because...
-Why?? What did you fear??
-I couldn't allow him to kill you too too. I was... Shit... I can't even say it out loud. Ishouldn't have felt that but I was relieved.

Gibbs raised his head, meeting Tony's puzzled expression.
-You wanted to know, now you know. I'm not proud of that but my first thought was relief . this bastard had not killed you.
-That's what your dream was about?
-Yeah. I don't know if there is a God somewhere but I think it may be is way to make me pay what I feel. He made me see what I feared the most. I almost lost you because of teh Y-Pestis... it was too soon, too hard...
-I don't understand why.
-Why I was relieved o why it was hard?
Tony seemed to be confused.
-I don't know. I think it's you that I don't understand. You saw a member of your team being shot at and your first thought was for me?
-Always, Tony. That's my main problem. It's always about you, always had been about you and the way I feel when I'm with you.
-What are you trying to say, Gibbs?
-I think you already guessed what I try to explain. But if you really want to hear it loud and clear. I love you, Tony. I've been in love with you for a while...

Tony's first reaction was to stand up and go far away from the man he had thought he knew. Next he felt a desire to punch him once more. How could his boss be in love with him? He must have lost his mind, that was the only reasonnable explanation he could come up with.
Gibbs was a Marine, Tony couldn't imagine the man he had worked with for two years could be gay.
Tony was pacing trying to calm down. He had to clear his mind and find a reason not to beat the crap out of his boss.
-I understand that you should be angry at me but I can't change what I feel. I won't do anything that could make you uncomfortable.
Tony turned to face him.
-Off course you won't because first thing tomorrow I will ask for a new assignement.

Tony was facing him now and Gibbs could see that the younger man was ùmore than angry. He should have known that to tell him about his feelings, especially tonight, would be a bad idea. But even knowing that his love will never be reciprocate he would never have thought Tony woiuld feel disgusted. He had feared to be rejected but what he coudl see in Tony's eyes froze him inside.
-You don't need to do it. You know I will never act on my feelings. We have to find Ari and I need you on my team for that...
6i don't want to hear your old cliché about what being a team means. I know what I have to do what Kate deserves. But for now, can answer a quetsion, boss?

Gibbs didn't miss the way Tony stressed on the last word. He tried hard not to show how he was feeling right now. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand a confrontation any longer. He couldn't handle this conversation without being sick. He didn't know if it came from his head trauma or because of Tony sudden coldness.
He had lost what was the most important part of his life in a day... he had lost Tony. The man in front of im would never love him back but the worst was that he was mad at him.
-You can ask whatever you want.
-Thank you so much, Sir.
Gibbs winced at Tony's sharp tone. This man didn't need to use a weapon or his fists to hurt. His eyes and voice did a pretty good job.
-I was just wondering if I would be able to trust you now that I know what you were thinking about when watching my six.

Gibbs was going to be sick and it took him all the strength he had left not to run to the bathroom.
-I never put your life in danger because of what I felt.
-Let me laugh. You know as well as me that you can't put your feelings away so easily even for a professional like you.
-Who do you think I am?
-I don't know anymore. I thought you were my boss, the one I could rely on, the one I could trust with my life. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not angry because you're gay or bi but you've lied to me for years...
-I never really lied. I only hid what I felt.
-Thanks for the nuance! But the results are the same. I realise now that you didn't hire me because of my smile...

Gibbs had to move away from him. Tony was trying to kill what was left of their friendship. Tony caught his arm as he was walking to the kitchen.
-I'm not done yet, Gibbs.
-But I'm, Tony. I don't think you need to insult me like that. I'm not ashamed of what I feel for you and I don't think I deserve to be questioned on the way I do my job. I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad but I won't deny it. I'm gay, Tony, always have been even if I had been obliged to pretend all my life. I don't need you to judge me.

Tony released his hold and Gibbs turned his back on him. He stopped on his way to his refuge, catching the char in front of him. He was feeling light headed and he only wished this damned day to end.
-I just ask you one thing Tony. Take your time to thing about what you have to do. If you are unable to work with me anymore., I should be the one to ask for a new team.
Tony was speechless. He hadn't expected Gibbs to be so ressigned. The man who was facing him seemed to have lost all hopes.
-Okay, I will wait until tomorrow.
-Good, thanks Tony.

Gibbs headed to the kitchen and took a glass of water with two pills Ducky had given him. His head was hurting but it was nothing compared to his heart. In a day he had lost Kate and Tony. He took a deep breath and rested his head on the cold door of the fridge.
-Do you need help to go to your bedroom.
Even if the question was friendly, Tony's voice was cold.
-No, Tony. Thanks. You can take my car to go back home. I'll call a cab tomorrow morning.
-I assured Ducky I would stay with you tonight so taht's waht I'll do. I'll sleep on the couch if you need help...
-I will be fine, Tony. I'll give you a blanket.

Gibbs didn't miss the step back Tony make as he passed near him.
Gibbs came back with a blanket and a pillow he put on the couch. Tony didn't look at him as he exited the room letting his former friend alone.

Once in his bedroom he was unable to control his emotions any longer and emptied his stomach in the bathroom. He was shaking while he was brushing his teeth and the face he saw in the mirror told him it was high time he goes to bed.
He lied there for a whil starring at the ceiling and thought how every thing had gone wrong in an instant. Who would have thought that this day would have been the worst of his life. With this thought he closed his eyes trying to find the sleep he knew he wouldn't reach.

Chapter three.
Time to leave.

Gibbs could feel the light of the day on his face. He had been unable to sleep and knew it would take time to go over the events of the last day, if only he could one day forget about it.
He looked at his alarm clock and saw it was about fiva am... high time for a coffee. He sat on his bed trying to stabilize his vision. His head was still hurting but he could deal with it...

What he doubted more was if he would ever accept staying next to Tony knowing that he hated him. He knew well he had to face him but for the first time since yesterday something was clear in his mind: they could not pretend nothing had happened between them and go on working together.

He had tried to figure out how he would be able to do that without being obliged to retire. It was obvious that one of them had to leave and he was aware that it had to be him .
He sat in front of his first coffee trying to think of a reason to stay in town now! Sure he had friends and he would regret not being able to work with Ducky or Abby but none of these reason were strong enough to make him face Tony's rejection da after day for the next years.

So the decision was made, he had to leave, his time in Washington was over and the worst was that he wasn't even upset about it!; the only thing he could feel was regrets about what had happened and disappointment too.

-Hi, Gibbs! How is the head?
Gibbs raised his head from his mug to see that Ton was already dressed. It was obvious that the younger man as not slept better than him and the tension in his shoulders hadn't left. Even if he was trying to act casual he could see that he was unconfortable .
-Still hurts but better than yesterday... thanks for asking.
-Just being polite... i didn't forget about yesterday and I made my decision.
-Me too, Tony!
Gibbs didn't like the way Tony had talked to him. He was acting as an upset child.
-You don't wanna know what I decide?
Gibbs decided not to play the game Tony was trying to begin. He was not in the mood for a fight so early.

-I'm sure you'd do what is the best for you. I would only do the same...
-So that's what our discussions would be like... cryptic remarks.
-They were your rules, Tony. You were obviously disturbed by what I told you yesterday. For the most I think I can understand. We both know that it will be soon be impossible to work together... there is nothing more to explain.
-It seems so easy for you to throw me out. I won't let you fire me, Gibbs.

Without even waiting for an answer, Tony bursted out of the house yelling that he would wait for him in the car. He hadn't let Gibbs tell him whathe intended to do... Gibbs couldn't help being proud of Tony's reactoin. Two years ago, Tony wouldn't have fought to keep his job. He would have bent his head and left without trying anything.
Gibbs stood up, took his jacket before walking to the car where Tony was patiently waititng for him. He didn't know what the day would be made of but whatever happened it would be his last day working with the man he still loved no matter what.

The tension between the two men was palpable during the travel to NCIS' headquarters. None of them dared to speak fearing another confrontation. So they both remained silent. They went separate ways as soon as they entered the building. Gibbs went straight to Morrow's office under the angry look coming from Tony. The younger man decided to walk down to Ducky's lab.

He had to talk to the Me as he was sure Ducky knew everything about Gibbs' life. He entered the morgue looking around for Ducky's assistant. When he was sure the Me was alone he cleared his throat.
-Anthony! I didn't hear you coming in. How was the night?
Tony ignored Ducky's question.
-Tell me you didn't know, Ducky!
-Well, I'm not sure of what you are talking about... I'm sorry if Jethro had not been an easy patient... I know how he could be when he is injured... But
-I'm not talking about his ability to piss everyone off when he is tired...

Tony walked closer to his friend until they were face to face and Ducky was able to tell now that something had gone really wrong between them.
-I'm talking about the fact Gibbs is in love with me...
Ducky was speechless. He would never have thought that Gibbs would risk their friendship telling him. Obviously, the younger man had not taken it well.

-Indeed, I knew Jethro had feelings for you. He needed someone to talk... So...
-And it never occured to you that I had the right to know?
Ducky had never been afraid of Tony before but he wasn't sure that the agent would be able to control his anger. He had never seen him like that before.
-I promised him not to tell you no matter what might happen. Jethro didn't know what your reaction would be and, judging by the way you are acting right now, he had been right.

Ducky's words seemed to reach their goal and Tony calmed down. He sat on the table behind him an breathed heavily feeling suddenly tired.
-May I ask you a question, Anthony?
Ducky didn't wait for an answer as he knew in those circumstances the younger would certainly refuse.
-What is upseting you the most? The fact that Jethro could have strong feelings for yo or the fact that you never noticed anything?

Tony seemed to think about it for a moment as if it hadn't come to his mind to try to think about the reason why he had reacted so badly.
-I don't know, Ducky. But it doesn't change anything becaus ewhen we arrived he headed to Morrow's office. If I'm lucky I would end up packing for Alaska tonight.
-You think is asking for you to be sent in another team?
-I said if I'm lucky. I'd opte for a simpmle dismissal if I'm realistic. Gibbs isn't a man you can reject easily.
-So you rejected him?
-You thought I would do what? He lied to me and now he thinks he can tell me he loves me! Yes I rejected him and I intend to leave the team.
-Aren't you over reacting Anthony? You know he won't do anything to embarrass you. He never had. He cares to much about you to do that.

-"Care" that's the least you can say!
-Young man, you can't even imagine what it had been like for him to be obliged to hide who he really was only to avoid being misjudged. I once told him he should talk to you. I said that you would certainly understand. Obviously I was wrong...
-Yes you were and I won't be able to trust him anymore.
-The fact that he loves you doesn't change his capacity to do the job. Is that the real problem? You don't want someone like him to be the one who watch your back? I've never thought of you as a narrow minded homophobic.

Ducky had willingly used a hurting tone and harsh words. He was begining feeling sick in front of Tony's attitude toward Gibbs. He didn't want to believe he had misjudged the man before him.
-I'm not Ducky! Never been!
-What a relief! And you can't work with him anymore because...?
-I already told you! He lied to me. Now it felt like everything we lived at work and otu of work had been a lie!
-You know, he never lied to you, he only hide his true feelings. He never meant to hurt you. He would never have done that on purpose and I'm sure you are well aware of it.
-I'm not sure of anythinig for now. He said he had had those feelings for some time and I never realised something had changed.
-Because nothing had changed. It only grew to something more for him at least and you seemed to accept it until now.
-I accepted it because I didn't know what he really wnated. I've never been aware of what he was expecting from me!

Ducky looked at him doubtfully not sure where the younger man was going.
-Are you sure to know what he wants?
-I think I have an idea of what it could be even if I try hard not to think about it..!
-I'm afraid you don't understand what you really mean to him. Maybe I could enlighten you about some events of Jethro's life...
-I don't think it could make me change my mind and I'm not sure to be interested in knowing why he is the way he is.

The ME was now trying hard not ot become very angry and yell at his friend for the first time in years.
-Listen carefully, young man, I appreciate you a lot. You are a smart man, smart enough, I think, to know where your best interest is. But if you continue this way I promise it would be the end of our friendship.
-I see ! It's time to choose your side!
-It's not a question of who would need and have my support. But I wouldn't be able to be friend with someone who denies a friend the right to be imself. I can't believe you are that obtuse, Anthony. Are you?

Tony sighed heavily. He knew deep inside that Ducky was right and to be honest he didn't feel so angry at Gibbs now that he had talked about theirargument.
-I don't know why I reacted so badly. And I don't think I'm ready for that kind of introspection. But your friendship is to important for me, Ducky. Especially now. I promise to listen to what you wanna tell m. But I can't do anything more for now!
Ducky smiled at him, relieved to have guessed what the younger man would say.

-I always knew you loved my stories...
-So tell me Ducky. What can explain why a man like Gibbs could have fallen for a guy like me.
-I don't know if I can explain that but what I can tell you is the way Jethro loves you. It's not what you seem to believe.
Ducky sat on the chair behind him.

-Even if he denied it, I think Jethro fell for you the day he hired you. He was probably not aware of it himself.
-I knew he had hired me because of my smile!
Ducky was about to reply sharply when he saw the smile on Tony's face.
-Hey, Ducky. I was kidding. I know the jod is sacred for Gibbs. And even if my smile had prooved to be pretty efficient on nulmbers of occasions I know well he had seen beyond that.

Ducky smiled back. Tony wasn't aware that he was using his charms to make people at ease. It was his way to show his affection.
-I don't doubt that you had already used that charming smile of yours on every single woman in this building...Jethro had always been protective with every memebers of his team. But it had been different with you from the begining. When he realised he was feeling more than that for you he tried to shut it down. He is used of doing it but this time it didn't work so he tried to ignore you and deny his feelings...
- And I wondered what I had done to make him angry?!
Ducky could see in Tony's eyes that he was begining to realise what some of the last events had really meant.

-You didn't do anything wrong. That's when this trapped letter arrived. It hit him hard. He had to face his worst fear : loosing you would have been unbearable for him. I've known him for years, Anthony but this night, when Doctor Pitt told us that you would be fine, I saw him cry for the first time...
Tony was too stunned to talk. It was impossible that the Gibbs he knew could cry especially for him.

-I see that you don't believe me. I know it sounds incredible and if I hadn't been there I would never have believed it too. But I can assure you that I spent the night at his side, tyring to confort him. I didn't succeed and at the end I had to sedate him.
-I... I doubted he was even aware of me and you tell me he was so scared that he cried... God, Ducky... Nobody ever did for me... Not even my parents.
-He spen all nights during your recovery in a chair in the hall. That's the way Jethro loves you Tony... That's why I think there is no risk that he could fire you or send you away. He respects you too much and it's not because you rejected him that he would take a revenge...

Tony rubbed his eyes trying to clear his mind.
-I had no idea... I think I was too angry at him to see it. The only thing I saw was that he had lied and when he didn't even fight back... I thought I had been right.
-Jethro is exhausted, emotionnaly I mean. You rillness, Caitlin's death... He hadn't enough strength to confront you, to justify his love. And now, I fear he has nothing left.
-I couldn't pretend being in love with him just to make it easier for him§§
-Off course not, Anthony and it's not what he wanted. But the fact is that now he is alone.
-You'll be here for him. You've been friends for years...
-I don't thinnk he would let anyone come close to him now...

Both men remained silent for a long moment.
-What do you think he would do, now?
-A big mistake I think! But I wouldn't be worried for your job if I were you!
McGee entered the morgue in a hurry at that precise moment.

-Sorry to interrupt you but I think you should both come upstairs.
-What happened, Probie? You lost your pen?
-I wish it could be that! But Gibbs just exited Morrow's office and...
-What, Timothy?
-He is packing!
-Shit! That stupid bastrad!
McGee jerked at Tony's reply. The younger man rushed out of the room and almost ran to the elevators before Ducky and McGee could do anything.

-I thought he was planning something like that but I didn't think he would act on it so soon.
-Has it soemthing to do with yesterday's argumnt?
-More or less, Timothy but there is more than that... much more.
-Do you think he will really go away... I mean even after what happened to Kate...?
-I don't know but we should go upstairs. Our friends may need our assistance.
-Sure, Ducky.

They both headed upstairs hoping that thing would improve soon. McGee felt that it was the end of something he hadn't had enough time to enjoy. He wasn't sure Gibbs was acting for the best of the team but he had guessed that the job was not the main problem between him and Tony.
Ducky was worried of the way Tony would handle Gibbs' decision. He had known that his older friend would be unable to do something that could have hurt Tony. And if he had resigned or ask for a new assignement it was that he had thought there was n oother way out of their problem.
After what they had been through in the last weeks, he wished it wouldn't mean the end of what they all had shared.

Chapter 4.
A new Boss.

As Ducky and Tim entererd the room they saw Tony standing in front of Gibbs. The older man didn't seem to have noticed Tony's presence but Ducky could see the tension in his friend's moves. It was obvious that he was trying to forget about Tony's eyes on him while he was doing probably one of the hardest thing he had had to do in his life. He wouldn't have stood seeing rejection in the eyes of the one he loved.

Tony was aware of the fact that Gibbs was trying to avoid looking at him.
-What do you think you are doing here? You can't flee like that!
-You know as well as me that there is no other choice. And as I said I made my decision!
-If you think it will be the best for you, okay. But what about the team?
-Director Morrow will make an announcement soon. You don't have to worry he had chosen the best for teh job.
-So you know who would replace you.... You had it all planed. And I guess you helped him choose?
-He asked for my opinion and I told him what I thought would be the best for the team... but it's his decision to take, Tony, not mine.

Ducky walked to Gibbs' desk looking directly at his friend. He was not surprised to see the sadness in his eyes. The job had meant everything to him for years. But what afraid him the most was that he could see resignation too. It was not like him to accept things without fighting.
-What about you Jethro?
-I have a new assignation at Norfolk. They needed someone to teach newbies how to behave! I will not be in the field anymore and I think it would be better for every one! I must be there in two days!
-So soon?

Ducky saw that his frind had asked too leave as soon as it was possible. He realised that no matter what he would say, Gibbs was leaving the team, the town, what had made his life for years.
-If you need any help, my friend... You know I ‘m here!
-Sure, Ducky. As always.
Director Morrow chose this precise moment to join them. They all remained silent fearing what their Big Boss was about to say. Gibbs alone was still packing, oblivion to them all.
-It's a good thing that you are all here.
Morrow took his time to look at each of them.

-As you certainly already know, Agent Gibbs asked for a transfert. His reasons are known of him only and I respect his decision not to explain them. Even if I will regret him leaving this office, he gave me no other choice.
Morrow looked at Gibbs and the men in the room understood clearly what he had meant. Gibbs had given him no alternative : a new team or he would have resigned.
-So I had to find a new team leader. We both agreed that it would be a mistake to add someone new because there was already a potential leader in the team. So Congratulations, Agent Dinozzo. Your promotion will be effective tomorrow!
Morrow faced Tony who seemed to be unable to say anything
-You will have the day to review the cases with Agent Gibbs.
Tony was not aware of Morrow leaving the room. After what he ahd said and don to him, Gibbs had chosen him to lead the team...
-Why me?
-I told you. The team needed good agent and I think you are the best for the job. And before you say anything stupid... It was not a favor and I didn't let my feelings blind my judgement.
Tony couldn't stay in front of Gibbs any longer. He was confused and realised only now what Ducky had meant when he had talked about the way Gibbs loved him.

He felt sick as he sat at his desk, he couldn't help feeling guilty. Gibbs had felt obliged to leave because of him and the way he had reacted. And he had asked for him to take his place...

Ducky was still at Gibbs' side and began to be worried as he followed his friends' eyes locked on Tony.
-Are you fine, Jethro?
-I don't know Ducky.. It was the only thing I could do. You know he would have left if I had decided to stay. I couldn't let him do that for me.
-So you did it before him?
-You know his history as well as me. He had already been obliged to leave so manytimes. I just couldn't do it to him.
-I don't say I agree with you but I can understand. Do you plan on talking to him? You know how he would feel!
-Off course, Ducky. I won't leave like that. I don't want him to feel guilty about what happened between us.
-He came this morning to talk about the way he reacted. I think he will realise it was a mistake.
-Or not!! But it doesn't change the fact that he will never accept what I feel for him and I'm unable to face it.

The ME knew that nothing would lessen his friend's pain but the least he could do was showing him his support and be there if he needed him.
-We will miss you, Jethro!
-Thanks, Ducky. I will miss you too.
Ducky didn't miss the brief look Gibbs glanced at Tony. He already knew that his love for the younger agent was real but when he saw that look, he realised that the older man would never be able to forget this man. Tony had marked him deeply.
He placed a hand on his friend's arm.
-I will take care of him, Jethro.

Gibbs atheavily at his desk and closed his eyes. He was pale and Ducky feared ha was going to pass out but he took a deep breath and re-opened his eyes.
-He will be a good leader but he will neeed a little help at the begining and I will not behere for him.
-I will help him. Don't worry. I think you should talk to him as soon as possible.
-Yeah, Ducky but I'm not sure to be able to say goodbye. He means so much to me and he isn't even aware of it.
-I think he is smart enough to understand. He is not quite ready to think about it for now. He will soon open his eyes.
-Do you know if he would ever forgive me, Nostradamus?

Even if Gibbs had tried to look amused by Ducky's speech, the ME knew his friend too well not to miss the real meaning of his uestion.
-There is nothing to forgive Jethro. But if you want to know if Tony would be able to be your frined again, I can tell you that you mean much more to him than he can himself imagine. Give him more time...
Gibbs laughed sadly and stood up putting a hand on Ducky's shoulder.
-You've always been a good friend for me and I know it was never easy. We had great moments andI'l miss your stories... Take care Ducky.

Ducky couldn't tell him what he intended to without letting his feelings overwhelm him. It was hard to say good bye to a friend after having lost Kate. He hughed him trying to hold the tears that were burning his eyes.
Gibbs headed to McGee's desk and gave the young man a hand shake.
-You are a good agent, Tim. Never let anybody tell you otherwise.
-Thank you boss. I learnt a lot working with you. It won't be the same without you.
-Thanks Tim. Try not to be nasty with your new boss.
Tim nodded visibly moved by Gibbs'words. The older man turned to face Tony's desk. Tony wass now looking expectingly at him.
-So it's time to say good bye, Boss?
-It seems so, Tony. You know you can stop calling Boss now.
-You are still the boss until tomorrow.
-On the paper maybe. But I think I stopped being your boss yesterday.

Tony winced at the statement. Gibbs had always been the best to make you think about what you were trying to forget.
-What about a coffee? I'm not sure I want to talk here.
Tony seemed to hesitate.
-Don't worry I won' t try to make you change your mind... On anything. But I don't want to stay here any longer than necessary.
Tony nodded and followed him to the elevators. Gibbs lead him to his usual spot.

-What makes you smile, Tony?
-I was wondering if you would find your drug at Norfolk?
-I phoned the office and I was assured that the coffee was their specialty!!
-I can't believe you really phoned them to know if they had good coffee?
-Well I phoned to know if they had numbers I could call to find a house there...and I made the most of it. I had to be sure I didn't need to take some stocks with me.
They both laughed and Gibbs couldn't help staring at the man in front of him. He had always been amazed to see how open Tony might be. He was laughing like a child as if he had nothing to hide. He realised that he hadn't heard him laugh for a long time.
Tony felt Gibbs' eyes on him and stared back at him. Gibbs lowered his face as if he had been taken in fault. Who was the child now?

-Sorry, Tony. I didn't meant to stare at you like that. I only realised that you don't laugh so often...
Tony seemed to think twice before asking a question that was burning his lips.
-What do you see when you look at me? I mean...
-I know what you mean but I don't think it would be a good idea to talk about that, now. You made clear that you wouldn't accept what I feel for you.
-I only want to know what makes me different for you. Call it curiosity if you want but I think you can tell me.
-If you are sure. It's difficult to put it in words, Tony. It's not a thing in particular.
-Don't tell me you can't find a reason why you have those kind of feelings for me.
-It's not that. There isn't only one reason. Where do I begin? Have you recently looked in a mirror, Tony? The leas you can say is that you are a good-looking man. The most amazing is that you seem to be unaware of the way you use your charm on everyone.

Tony was about to say something but he was interrupted by Gibbs' raised hand.
-I don't try to say that you do it on purpose but it's the way you are...
-So you think I tried to seduce you?
-No, Tony. You don't understand. I'm unable to make people at ease butyou know what to say. You just care about people.
-So I'm a nice guy? That(s all?

Gibbs knew what Tony was trying to make him say.
-What doo you want to hear, Tony? You would be reassured if I told you it was only a question of physical attraction, that I only wanted to have sex with you? But it's not that, at least not only...
Gibbs was looking at the man before him and Tony didn't lower his eyes trying to figure out if he really wanted to hear what would follow.
-I love you, Tony. The only way I know, with my heart and my soul. I love everything in you, the way you chew yourpen when you are writing your report, the way you look at him when you've found something interesting, the way you smiled when you teased Kate...Off course it would be a lie to say that I never imagined what it would be like to make to you but it was only the extension of the way I felt...

Gibbs' heart was beating fast when he stopped talking and he was now gathering his strength not to run away from Tony's unreadable gaze.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I guess there were too much information... But it won't be a problem any longer. I hope you would be able to forgive me one day and maybe we could be friends again.
-I never wished it to end like that. I didn't want to react so badly but I was so angry at you. You lied to me... but I think that I was even angrier at myself for having been so blind.
-I never intended to hurt , it was the last thing I wanted to do. You must trust me on this.

Tony sighed still looking at Gibbs.
-I do but you must undersatnd that I never thought you could be attracted by men, especially me. It was such a shock. I felt betrayed because I began to think of times when you were mad at me ... Was all we shared a lie?
-No, Tony. I've never lied to you. But I needed to avoid being too close to you. It was too dangerous for me, for you. So I build a wall around ma and played my favourite role. It was easier pretending of being mad at you.
-The least you can say is that you did well hiding your true feelings. If you had asked me two days ago what you were thinking of me, I would have answered that I was considered as a pain in the ass.

Gibbs couldn't help laughing. Tony had always been able to make his point using a language full of imagery...
-Well, you were that too. But most of all you were the reason why I came to work even if I often thought about quiting. I was always amazed to see how you could make the most little thing an event.
-Why have you chosen me as the new leader? It was a good bye gift?
-The job is nothing but a gift, Tony. You deserve it and you are the most qualified to do it.
-I don't know if I would be able to be the Boss?
-Trust me, one last time. i observed you on many cases, professionnally, I mean... You were most of the time the one that made the difference each time we were on a dead end.
-I will do my best not to disappoint my mentor.
-And who is it?

Tony was about to laugh at the older man's stupid question when he realised that Gibbs really didn't know who he was talking about. He had never seen him so unsecure before and he couldn't help thinking he was partly responsible for that. Gibbs seemed vulnerable at that moment and Tony wondered what else he was hiding to him.
-We spent almost three years working together and you realised that I was always trying to impress you. And I thought I was the blind one! I've learnt more with you in the first week than when I was a cop.
-I'm glad to hear it, Tony. But you had everything to be a good agent when I hired you. Maybe I helped you to use your abilities but nothing more. You worked hard to become the man you are today. And it has nothing to do with me.
-I didn't know you had such a high opinion of me.
-I couldn't tell you. It was my method to make you give the best you had. But I regret now not to have been able to tell you how I appreciated working with you.
-I wish you needn't to leave.

Gibbs smiled sadly.
-You know it's the only thing to do. But be sure I would be there if you need anything for the job.
-I know but I think we will need some time to go over it.
Gibbs stood up still looking at Tony.
-Take all the time you need but never forget it's never a wrong thing to be loved.
The older man straightened and Tony could feel that he was trying to find a way to say good bye. For the first time since Gibbs' confession, Tony could see the way the last events had affected the older man. He realised that Gibbs had lost a lot in two days.
-You don't need to feel guilty about waht happened. It was my choice to tell you what I felt. I knew the risks.

It was time to go but it was hard to turn his back on this man knowing he would probably never talk to him. He knew deep inside that Tony wouldn't call him.
-It was an honour and a pleasure to work with you , Tony. You will be a great leader.
He was ready to go and he didn't wait for a reply that he knew would never come. He added in a whisper looking the younger man in the eyes.
-Promise me to take care, Tony. And don't forget that there is someone who loves you.

Tony looked at him as he walked away. He could still hear Gibbs' last words. He had never thought it would be so hard to say good bye to the man he thought he hated only hours ago. He was not sure to know what he felt about what Gibbs had confessed.
He had pushed him away, obliged him to leave and now he was about to cry! Had h been stupid or simply naïve?
He was lost in his thoughts and when he looked up he saw Ducky in front of him.
-What have I done to him, Ducky?
-It's not your fault. He made a hard decision but it was also for his own good. It would have been too hard for him to go on knowing that you would never feel the same for him.
-He lookd so depressed when he left. I could have said something to lessen the pain.
-He didn't need you to say something you didn't truly feel.
-We should ahve found a way to keep the team together.
-There is no team anymore, Tony. I htink your first job as a new leader would be to build a team.

Ducky looed up at his friend knowing that the loss of both Kate and Gibbs would be hard to over come. He had promised Gibbs to take good care of the most importantperson of his life and he wasn't the kind of man who could betray a frined. He had to help tony going on.
-I think we'd better concentrate on what we have to do for now. We would have time to grieve later.
-You're right, as always. I'm the boss now.
Ducky was pleased to see a true smile on Tony's fce even if he knew the promotion wasn't really saisfying for him under these kind of circumstances. Ducky had always admired Tony's recovering abilities. It had only taken him a week after being affected by Y-Pestis to go back to work. He knew that this time he would need much more than some meds to heal.
The only thing he could hope was that Gibbs would be able to go through the last events too. He feared that his older friend had been hurt badly.

Chapter 5.
The last good byes.

They were all there, in this litlle church near Washington. The sun was high in the sky when they entered the church following the coffin. In five minutes the church was full of friends, members of her family and official represants of the governement.
Tony had not seen Gibbs but he was sure he was there for Kate and only for her unlike all those black suits who were searching for support before elections. He could tell who was who only by the way they acted.
Her father and her mother were alone in there sorrow. No words could have washed away their tears. They had lost their child and it was not something a father or a mother could face. A young woman was at their side, Kate's sister for sure. She had the same brown hair and the same bright eyes

His vision was blurried and he had not realised he was crying until Ducky placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Tony knew that Gibbs had asked him to take care of the little family they had once been. And the ME would do as his friend had asked. Gibbs had always been there for each of them. Even if Tony knew he was able to handle the job he was begining to think that it would be pretty difficult to walk in Gibbs' shoes.

As they exited the church he saw Gibbs talking to Kate's father. Tony knew what Gibbs was telling him. It was not difficult to guess what was happening between them. Gibbs had been his daughter's boss and as she hadn't been married h had been, metaphorically speaking, the one he had given her to. Even in our evoluated society there are some things that couldn't change. It has never been easy for a father to let her daughter go especially when she left for such a risky job. And Gibbs had became, for him, the one who would protect her for him.

Tony was sure that Gibbs was aware of that too. Kate had never acted with him as if she considered him as a father figure but he had been there for her.
-We should wait for him. Jethro should not stay alone today even if we are not a team anymore.

Tony couldn't deny that Ducky was right. Noone should grieve alone especially in this case. They owed him it.
-You are right Ducky. You go and tell him to join us.
-I think it would be better if the invitation came from you. He had never been able to deny you anything.
-You exagerate Ducky. I never had such an influence on him. But I'll go.
Ducky smiled softly at him as he saw that the younger was pleased to go to talk to Gibbs one more time.

Gibbs was already heading to his car when Tony caught him.
-Hey, Gibbs. Ducky and I wondered if you wanted to join us. You know just for a meal between friends, something simple...
Tony realised he was babbling but he couldn't help feeling nervous in front of Gibbs. To be honest he feared that the man would not accept the invitation. He wanted him to come, he needed to feel thatthere wa still something between them... at least for today.
Gibbs turned to him and when he took his sunglasses off, Tony could see that his eyes were red and swollen. It was obvious that Gibbs had not slept well if any. And Tony guessed that he had spent his night thinking about what had gone wrong.
-We thought that it was not the good day to stay alone.
-You are probably right, Tony but it's not a good idea. You don't need to hve me around. It's the best for all of you, believe me.
-What about you?
-Me?...
Gibbs seemed to be amazed that someone could still be interesting in how he was feeling. Tony felt sick at the thought of what he had done to him. For the hundredth times he thought about the way he had treated him and the way Gibbs had reacted, giving him the lead of his team...
-I still have some packing to do.
-So, you are going to spend your last day in town alone in your basement.
-Tony you are a good man but what you are trying to do is not necessary. I will be fine. I just need some time to adjust but I will be okay.
-Good, so let's put it in another way. Ducky will kill me if I don't bring you and Abs... You know how she could be. Besides I think you owe them a real good bye. They deserve it.

Gibbs smiled at him but it seemed to take him all his strength to manage a small smile.
-You already sounds like the boss.
-I will never take your place for them. And today they need you, they need to know that you care... one last time.
Gibbs rubbed his eyes and Tony realised that he hadn't slept at all the last two nights. Tony placed a hand on his shoulder.
-You look like someone who could use some sleep boss.
-I had too much in mind lately to be able to sleep.
-So I think we should take my car. I'll bring you back here when you want.

They walked to Tony's car and the younger man drove to Ducky's house where they were supposed to meet the other members of the team. They needed to stay together today, to feel that they were not alone in their sorrow.
As they arrived, Tim and Abby were already there. Gibbs followed Tony inside. He hadn't the time to say hello that he had Abby wrapped around him. He hugged her back.
He had always had strong feelings for the young woman. She was the only one who could deal with him when he was in one of his mood. He felt her tears on his shoulder and it took him all the strength hehad left not to begin crying again.
He had spent the last night trying to stop teh tears that had fallen from his tired eyes.

-Hey, bossman. I'm glad you are here.
-Me too, Abs.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek, wiping her teas away.
-How are you doing?
-I miss her, Gibbs. More than I can tell but I feel better now that you are here with us.
-I can't stay for too long. You know, I have to clean the house before tomorrow...
-Do y really have to leave so soon?
-You know I do, Abs. But you have a new boss. I'm sure you will all be fine.

Tony could see the anger raise in the young woman'eyes.
-How can you say that? Kate is dead and you are leaving us...
-You know I'm still your friend, Abs. I did what I had to do and believe me or not it's the best I could do...
-For whom?
The three other men in the room didn't miss the shiver in Gibbs' shoulders. Tony wasn't sure the older could stand another argument especially with Abby.
-You can blame me for everything, Abby if it can make you feel better but the last thing I want is to be responsible for the death of another friend. I had the opportunity to stay at NCIS without being in charge of a team... and I think it better for everyone.

They were all surprised by Gibbs' confession but tony was even more surprised to hear him explain his departure by the fact he didn't want to be on the field anymore.
-I think it's high time for me to go. I hope you will all find the strength to forgive me one day.
Gibbs turned his back to them and walked to the door. He couldn't look back at them even if he knew they were looking at him.

He couldn't give them what they expected from him. He couldn't be their boss tonight, he wasn't strong enough to face them, to confort them. They hadn't been able to contradict him when he had sai he was responsible for Kate's death. And their silent admission had been hard to bear.
He stopped at the door knowing that this time he was leaving for good. He hadn't realised that Tony was behind him.

-You don't have to go. You don't have to be strong for us.
Tony put a had on Gibbs'arm feeling the man shaking under his contact.
-We are here to remember Kate, not to judge you or your decision.
-I can't stay here pretending to be a member of teh team. Not after what I did to you, Tony. Not after what I did to Kate.
Gibbs turned to face Tony and the younger man was afraid to see him so desperate.
-Do you know what her father told me? He talked to me about the job. He said that she trusted me, trusted me with her life. Do you believe it, Tony. She had told her father that I was the one able to protect her....
-We all do trust you with our life, Gibbs...
-You don't understand Tony. I betrayed her, I let her die. I must go before I cause another death...
-Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?

Tony was facing him, the other three were at the other end of the corridor. Gibbs could feel their eyes on them even if his eyes were stil fixed on Tony.
-Did you put a gun on her forehead? Gibbs did you pull that damn trigger?
Gibbs couldn't answer, he knew what Tony wanted to do but it couldn't work. His guilt was too strong in his heart.
Knowing that he would need more than that to break Gibbs' defenses, Tony closed the gap between them. He could now sensed Gibbs laboured breath.

-Did you pull that trigger and her head away. Did you do that?
Tony was now yelling at him and neithr Abby nor Tim were able to stop. Even if they wanted to help Gibbs and stop Tony they couldn't do anything amazed by what was happening before them.
-Anthony you should calm down!
Ducky , off course, was the only one who dared to intervene. He knew that Gibbs couldn't stand a confrontation.
-I won't until he answer that simple question. I know I have issues with what you told me but I won't let you go knowing that you blame yourself for something you couldn't avoid.
-Tony you know that it's not because I didn't hold that gun against her head that I'm not the one responsible for it.

Gibbs' voice was almost a whisper.
-I didn't hear you, Gibbs? Are you the one who shot her?
Gibbs was shaking and he was not able to think anymore. Tony was pushing him a way he could not follow.
-I should have...
-What? Eat the bullet instead of her? That's what you want? Exchange your life for hers?

Gibbs felt his knees give up under him and he fell on the floor. Tony and Ducky were next to him helping him to stand. Tony brought him to the living room.
-Anthony, help him on the couch. What did you intend to do, young man?
-I don't know, Ducky! But I couldn't let him go feeling guilty for Kate's death. It was probably the last time we saw him I couldn't let him go like that.
-So you decided to push him over the edge...

They looked at the man unconscious on Ducky's couch. Abby and Tim arrived... one with a glass of water the other with Ducky's case.
-He is not hurt Timothy. He is only exhausted.
-Do you think he will be fine, Ducky? I've never seen like that...
-I don't know Abigaël! But we'll be here for him. For now he only needs to rest and you should do the same. Timothy take her upstairs, you should stay here tonight.
-Sure Ducky. Call me if you need help!
-Off course, Timothy. Take care of her.
Tim nodded and wrapped an arm around Abby's shoulders. The young woman bent over Gibbs and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before following Tim.
Ducky and Tony looked at them while they exited the room.
-Anthony, can you follow me in the kitchen, please?
-Do you think it's wise to let him alone?
-Jethro needs to rest and I think you've done enough for now.

Tony followed Ducky in his kitchen. He didn't know if he should be afraid or relieved when the older man asked if he wanted a drink.
-Ducky I didn't mean to hurt him. I wouldn't do it on purpose. You know that?
The ME looked up from his glass and Tony saw the concern in his eyes. Ducky had always been like their uncle, the one who teaches you the most important tings in life, things a father couldn't do. The older man in front of him had already lost one of his ‘child' and he was about to let Gibbs go. Probably the one he had been the closest to.

-I hope so, Anthony but you seemed pretty angry yesterday. What did you expect from him? I asked you to invite him so that he could find some comfort...
-I know Ducky but Gibbs never listens if you talk softly to him. He had to hear that noone hold him responsible for her death. It was a tragedy but a tragedy nobody could have prevented.
-You may be right but it was probably not the right moment and you were not the right person to do it. Tomorrow he's gonna leave what made his life for years. And I'm sure you've experienced what it feels like. Now try to think how hard it could be for a man like him.
-I understand that I didn't make it easier but I had to do it.
-I will be fine, Tony!

They hadn't heard Gibbs enter th room. He looked even more exhausted after their confrontation.
-I'm not so sure of that, Jethro. You are emotionaly fragile and I don't think it would be wise to leave tomorrow. You should take some times off...
-I can't , Ducky. I mustbe at Norfolk tomorrow morning. I still have a job to do.
-The job is not the thing I'm worried about, Jethro. You are not going to be able to go on like that for long.
-I won't lie to you and say that everything is fine but taking more time won't change anything.
-Boss, we could find a way to work together. You are not obliged to leave.

Gibbs looked doubtfully at Tony.the younger knaw as well as him that he had taken a decision and it was impossible to change his mind now.
-Tony, you would be unable to trust me and I can't blame you. Now, if you could drive me back to my car, I have things to finish before leaving. And it would probably be a good idea to take a little nap too.
He had looked at Ducky saying that.
-Jethro, promise me to call if you need help. Don't be too stubborn to ask!
-I promise Ducky but you I will be fine.

He couldn't look at his friend anymore seeing that the ME was about to say something more.
He turned to talk to Tony.
-If you prefer, I'll call a cab.
-No, boss. Let's go.
They exited the house, followed by Ducky.
-I'll call you as soon as I arrive. Tell Abby that I'll miss her.
-Don't worry Jethro. I will take care of our little family!
-Thanks for everything, Ducky.

He had to leave now before it became too hard for him. He turned his back to his frind and opened the passenger door of Tony's car. Sitting he sighed heavily.
-Are you sure you are okay, Boss.
He looked at the man next to him and realised how stupid his question had been.
-Forget I asked that. You may reconider the date of your departure. You don't look like someone able to drive to Norfolk.
-That's why I plan on sleeping early tonight.
-Like last night and the night before?
-Well I won't deny that I'm not in a good shape for now but I'm not about to break down, Tony.
-If you say so...
-I say so, Tony.

They drove back to the little church in an akward silence. None of them wanted to tell something that they would both regret. Gibbs was trying not too look at Tony . he wans't sure he would be able not to tell him to stay with him, to hold him. It was hard for him to know that it was probably the last time he saw the man he loved so much.
They arrived at the church and Tony parked the car near Gibbs' car.

6i think it's time for the last good byes, Tony.
-Norfolk is not that far. We may see you for a case some times.
-I don't think so, Tony. It's not easy to leave. To leave the team, you... but it would be harder to come without being able to be with you. I don't know if I make any sense but I don't want to have to leave you again. And I can't lie anymore...
-You are trying to tell me that you don't want to see me again.
-I can't be your boss anymore, I don't want to pretend that being your friend is enough for me. I want to be so much more for you. So it's better if we just stay apart.
-So that's it. You can't have me the way you want so you decide it's better to forget what we have shared, what we had...

Gibbs didn't want to begin this conversation again.
-What did expect from me? I love you Tony and I don't want to pretend I don't.
Tony winced. He hadn't had enough time to think about his own feelings. He didn't know what he was feeling for the man who had been his boss, his mentor for almost three years. The only thing he was sure of was that he didn't want him to leave with no hope to see him again.

-Ii guess it's time to leave. Those three years with you had been quite instructive. You are the best Agnet I've met, Tony. You will be a great boss.
-So that's how it ends. All you are going to give is a good bye on a parking?
"oh, no! All I want is kissing you until you realise what I want to offer you.". off course Gibbs couldn't tell him that it was far from enough for him too.
He opened the door and headed to his own car. He knew that Tny was angry once more. But he had also toprotect himself. The younger man had hurt him and he had to preserve what he had left.

He looked at Tony's car as the younger man turned ou tof the parking. Tony drove back to Ducky's house and stayed a long moment in his car thinking of what he had done, how things had turned wrong in two days.
Those working with Gibbs had been the first time for him when he had felt at the right place. He finally belonged somewhere. He hadn't realised until today that this feeling was not due to the job or the place. It had been Gibbs, Kate and the others.
And today, Kate was dead, Gibbs was gone...Before today he hadn't known how much Gibbs meant to him, how much he relied on him. That wasn't love, not the kind of love Gibbs felt for him at least... or maybe. But he would need time to think about it, he was still a little confused.
By telling him about his feelings Gibbs had turned his world upside down. He had never thought of the possibility to be attracted to a man in general and to him in particular. Damn, gibbs was not a man you easily considered probably gay, all clichés apart.

Tony tried to concentrate on him, thinga he ahd said or done that could have make him realise. But in fact Gibbs had never given him any signs. Gibbs would never have allowed his feelings to interfere with the job and as he avoided being alone with him outside of the job...

Now he had to answer the main question: what does he really feel for Gibbs? The fact that he was wondering if he had feelings for his boss without being able to give a answer, showed that there was something to discuss.
So there was something between them that he was not sure to identify. He respected him, he had loved working with him...
He rested his head on the steering wheel and for the first time in years he couldn't avoid the feeling of loneliness that was growing in his heart.

After Tony's departure, Gibbs had entered his car. The younger man had looked back. He had not seen the tears in Gibbs' eyes... he had nt seen him rest his head on the steering wheel and cry, letting his pain overwhelm him...

Chapter 6.
Missing.

Seven a.m, Tony was already at his desk. First day as the boss. He had made a point of being the first in today. He had already a huge pile of files he needed to read. He had also to choose a new member for the team. So today he would check references, plan interviews of potential Agents.
The oe who would be chosen would have a real hard task to accomplish. Gibbs was not a person you could easily replace.
He was only there for an hour but he couldn't help thinking about him. The office seemed to be so empty without him pacing around, yelling at anyone coming in his way. Tony even missed the perpetual smell of coffee that filled the room every time he came in. Each "bips" of the elevator made him raise his head and he surprised himself many times hoping it was him. He had about to say "Hi Boss" a hundredth of time already.

Okay, that was bad... one hour without him and he was already searching for him. There was definetely something there he should thnink about.
Mc Gee arrived at eight and judging by the dark circles under his eyes, Tony realised that he wasn't the only one who didn't sleep well last night.
-Hi, Tim. How are you?

Tim was a bit surprised by Tony's welcome. He would have expected a " morning, Probie" like everyday since he had joined the team. Instead of the usual jokes Tony was putting on him a warm and friendly look.
-Well, Tony. I spent the night with Abby. She was so exhausted of crying that I didn't wake her up this morning.
-You do well. She needs to rest.
-I think she is not the only one who needs to rest. You look horrible, Tony. Did you slee at all last night.
-Sure, Tim. One or two hours just like you...

Tim headed to his desk. He sat heavily on his chair. Then realising that he had nothing special to do he turned to face Tony.
-So, What do we do now, Boss?
Tony looked up directly at him and Tim saw that he had done something wrong.
-Tim, can you do me a favor?
-Sure.
-Don't call me Boss please. I don't want to take his place.
-But you are the boss, now.
-Yeah! But I would never replace him and I don't want to. So call me Tony like you used to... let's keep some things unchanged, please.
-I didn't think of you as a new Gibbs calling you boss but I will do as you want. But I think we have to go on. We have to concentrate on the job. Ari may still be here planing a new attack.
-I'm well aware of our priorities, Tim. I was on that roof... remember. So you don't need to remind me how dangerous this man is.
-I know that you will what you have to but I wanted to tell that you have somthing to be ashamed of and nothing to proove to any of us...

Tony didn't reply, letting Tim go on.
-Gibbs didn't leave because of you. I don't know what happened between the two of you. It was obvious that you had issues but it's none of my buisiness. The only thing I know is that he chose you to do the job because I knew you were the best to handle it. I will stand with whatever you decide to do...
Tony was stunned by Tim's speech. The man he had for long considered as a Probie never talked lightly and Tony was flatered to hear so much trust in his voice.

-I'm glad to hear it Tim and I will need your expertise as a field agent. But most of all I need you to be my friend and tell me what you think. We have to work together and I need to rely on you and consider you as my equal. No lies, no hidings...
-I will do my best, Tony. You can count on me.
Tim was sure there was something more behind Tony's words and he knew it has something to do with Gibbs and what had made their friendship fall apart. But as he had said it was none of his buisiness and he knew that Tony would not talk to him on this matter.

-So, what next?
-We have no case, except hunting Ari. So we review what we know and what we need.
-That works for me. I'm gonna sum up what we have ...
-You do that and make a report in two hours. Then we have appointments...
-With whom?
Tony smiled at him and pointed some files on his desk.
-Our new Probies.
-Cool, May I assist you?
-I counted on that, Tim. But are you sure to be ready to frighten some tender-fleshed Agents?
-Oh Yeah. I'll be there. Your first meeting was as scary as mine?
-I had been recruited by Gibbs what do you think? Do you know what he is like before his first coffe?

Tim winced at the thought of what it may have been like for Tony.
-Yeah. I remember vividly the day his usual drug was closed.
-It was far worse. He had just divorced from his third wife...
-I can imagine. What did he do?
-Nothing. He looked at him for five minutes without saying a single word. Believ it or not. I was hired because I didn't say a thing too. I stayed there looking back at him.
-It was obviously what he was waiting for. Someone able to hold his gaze and not afraid to face him. You've always been the only able to really talk to him. I mean he actually listened to you even if he never showed it.
-How observant you are!
-I had plenty of time spying at you two. You can't imagine how invisible a computer geek can be.
-We are going to have a little talk about that at lunch... now back to work. I have a meeting with Morrow in ten.
-Sure, Tony. I'll call Abby later just to see if she is fine.
-You two are doing well?

Tim didn't expect the question. Even he knew that Tony was aware of the special relationship between Abby and him...
-It will never interfere with our job. I know about rule 12 but I'm sure we can manage.
-Screw rule 12, Tim. If you are good for her I don't see why I should disagree!
-I thought you agreed with Gibbs' rules not to have intimate relationship between colleagues.
-I did but I saw him screw up and leave his job because of this rule. Besides every rule need to be broken some times.
-I'm not really sure to understand but I guess you won't explain what this has to do with Gibbs' departure.
-Not now, Tim. I'm not quite sure I understood it too.
-No problem, Tony but you know I'm here if you need to talk.
-Fo now all I ask you is to take care of Abby. Tell her to take all the time she needs. We will manage.
-I think she will be here this afternoon. She can't stay too long far from her lab.
-Yeah, I think that's why she and Gibbs were so close. They are so alike, they live through their job.
-Maybe... I hope Gibbs will find what he is searching for at Norfolk.

Tony didn't reply anything and Tim went back to work. Will Gibbs enjoy his new job? He was sure that he would be a good teacher and the man he was going to teach the job to would be lucky to have him. But Tony couldn't help thinking that the job would not be the main problem Gibbs would have to deal with.
Tony was aware now that Gibbs had given some kind of equilibrium. He had found what he needed to stay sane and safe. What about now? To be honest he didn't know. He was worried for Gibbs, worried that he would stay alone. This feeling was new and disturbing too.

He looked up at the clock. Gibbs was supposed to be at Norfolk in the afternoon and he had planed to leave early but he was maybe still at his house.
He could call him to check if he was fine, if he didn't need anything. He grabbed his phone and dialed the well known number. He waited until the tenth ring before hanging down. He must have decided to leave earlier or he didn't want to talk to anyone.
Tony surprised himself wishing Gibbs had been there. He wanted to hear his voice one more time, to tell him he regretted what he had said... tell him... What?

He wanted to tell him to tay, to forget what had happened between them. He wanted him to come to work. He even missed the slaps at the back of his head. Gibbs never did it to hurt him but it surprised him each time. Tony had always been easily distracted but when Gibbs was near him he was able to concentrate. The man had his way to make him stay at his best. He had even been more confident in his abilities than himself.

It was time to meet Director Morrow for his first weekly report. He headed to his office thinking about how Gibbs had handled his first report as a team leader. He coudln't imagine him stressed or unease. He tried to forget his former boss as he opened the Director' office door. It seemed that he was unable to think about anything else and it was conforting to think that in a way Gibbs was still there with him.

He found Tim at the cafeteria. He was with Abby and he smiled at them as he took the third chair at the table.
-How are you doing, Abs?
-Better now, Tony. It was a bit too much for me I think.
-I know. I feel a little off myself.
-How was the meeting with Morrow?
-Nothing new. Our priority is to find Ari and send him to jail. He said we would have all we need. He told me about the Probies we have to interview this afternoon.
-I thought it was your choice?
-It is but he wanted to be sure that I was aware that the team needed another field agent.
-What did you answer?
-I told him that one way or another we'll need help to catch Ari even if I am convinced that hiring someone who had never been on the field is a mistake...

Tim winced at that statement and looked up at seeing that his new boss was shaking his head.
-What Tim? That's true and you know it. I don't have time for a Probie besides I'm not Gibbs. I don't want to be on the field with someone I couldn't trust... someone not...
-Someone who is not Gibbs?
Tim had said it out of a reflex because it was the way he was feeling too. Hearing Tony he had followed his thoughts and said out loud what his new boss was tinking. As he looked at Tony, he saw that the question had upset him.
-Sorry Tony. I didn't mean to say it like that.
-No, Tim. You are right. I wish he should be here to help us.

Abby looked at them and Tony could see anger in her eyes.
-I will never forgive him for leaving us at the moment we needed him the most!
-Abs, he didn't leave us. He couldn't stay anymore and if you want to blame someone for that it should be me, not him.
-I don't understand Tony. Noone should make him take such a decision if he didn't want to. You didn't force him to leave his job, his friends...
-Abs, you don't know the whole story but we had an argument, a bad one. I sadi things I didn't really mean...
-So he left us because he was mad at you? But he was always mad at you...
-I went too far this time and believe me I regret it deeply now. But nothing could have made him change his mind. I even said to him that I should be the one leaving but I think he needed to do it.
-What have you said to him, Tony? Gibbs is not the kind of man who could be afraid by tough situations at work.
-It was personnal Abby. Nothing to do with the job. It was not something he could have forgotten easily.
-You are not making any sense here Tony.

Tim felt that Tony was tensed. He didn't know what had happened between the two men. He had never understood what they shared but he had felt there was something strong: a mix of respect, tension and something he had not been able to decipher.
-Abby I think that what happened between Tony and Gibbs should stay between them. We must concentrate on what we have to do. Gibbs would have allowed us to waste time...
-You are right Tim. ... I'm sorry Tony. I don't know what happened and I have no right to judge you or what you did. I think I'm still a bit confused by the events of the last days.
-No problem, Abs. But I want you to know that if I could have made it easier I would have done it. I miss Kate, off course but loosing Gibbs like that is far worse that I thought it would be.
This simple declaration made the two friend realise that Tony was affected by Gibbs' departure as much as them. Tony had said it in a low and calm voice as if he had thought a lot about it. Tim guessed at that moment that what Tony had called private matter was really private. Tim couldn't guess what had made Gibbs leave but it seemed to have something to do with what Tony wanted to give him or not.

They finished eating in silence he headed back to the headquaters where Tim had prepared a report on Ari's last known activities. It was hard to explain but Tony knew Ari was still in the country. He had said that he had a contract on Gibbs' head and Tony thought that Kate's death had only been a bonus for him. A way to make Gibbs suffer before... he refused to think about what may happen. Gibbs was far away from here safe... at least for now.
Tim seemed to read his mind.

-Do you think Gibbs is in danger?
-I don't know Tim but I have a disturbing feeling since yesterday. He wanted us to think he had taken his revenge on Kate but she was not the one who put a bullet in his shoulder.
-Now It's between the two of them!? We should warn Gibbs.
-I think he is aware of the threat but we will talk to him as soon as we can. I think I'm gonna visit Fornell. He owes us a big one after what Gibbs had done for him.
-I'll check our usual canals to see if there is some news. Try not to shoot Fornell... Later maybe but he could be usefull for now.
-I will do my best.

Tony was still smiling at Tim's words when he reached his car. His Probie had learnt fast what being a member really meant and he knew that they would only rest the day that bastard would be either behind bars or dead. If he was given the choice he would prefer see him dead.

He was back at NCIS' offices two hours later. His trip to Fornell's repair had not been a waste of time. He had shaken him, threatened him but at the end he had learnt what he already felt. Ari was not working for AlQaeda on this job, he had decided to kill Gibbs on his own and Kate had been the step of his plan.
The man wanted Gibbs to suffer before killing him and Tony had understood that his argument with his boss had only been one of the reason why he had decided to leave Washington. He shared his feelings with Tim who seemed to be as worried as himself.

-So you think that Gibbs had left the town to protect us?
-I believe he thought of the possibility that Kate was not the only one Ari could kill.
-But nothing had changed. Even if Gibbs is at Norfolk now, the death of one of us would still touch him.
-Yeah but he won't be the one in charge of the team at that moment. If there's something Ari is good at, it's judging people. He knows how Gibbs felt about his team. Ari knew that Gibbs would blame himself for what might happen to one of us. Now it's different.
-Gibbs should have trusted us. Now he is alone and this crazy gun is probably after him.

Tony didn't reply anything as if he had just realised that maybe that was what Gibbs had been searching for. A face to face with Ari in which there would be only one winner and the loser would pay with his life.
-Tony, you should tell Morrow. Gibbs needs protection.
-You are right even if I'm sure he won't accept it.
-Maybe... but we can't let him play the role of teh bait without proper back up otherwise...
-That's what he wanted.
-You think he did that on purpose?
-I hope not but have you ever seen him do something without thinking of every possibilities before... I'm sure he had done the same thing as us and come to the same conclusions.
-And we let him go. We thought he was leaving us but that's us who left him alone.
-He didn't want us to be a part of this fight and he wouldn't have allow us to try something. But I intend on helping him the way I can even if I have to go to Norfolk myself to protect him.

Tim saw the truth in Tony's eyes but the main feeling visible was fear. His new boss was afraid for a friend. They were both interrupted when Morrow entered the room heading for Tony's desk.
-Agent Dinozzo, have you heard about Agent Gibbs' agenda for today?
-He was due at Norfolk this afternoon and he told me he intended to leave early. Itried to call him and noone answered at eight this morning.
-I don't know where he is but he missed his appointment with Director Laundry. He just called me to ask if Gibbs was used to this kind of behaviour.
-We last saw him yesterday after Agent Todd's burial.
-You two go to his house and check if he is here. I don't know how to explain it but I have this sensation that something is wrong. It's not like him and I can't help thinking Ari is still somewhere...
-Some informations told us the same thing and we suspect him to be searching for Gibbs.
-You talked to Fornell? He called me after your visit to share his suspicions. You must have really impressed him because it's the first time an FBI agent willingly shared intel with us.

Tony grinned at Morrow as he saw his director ironic smile.
-I only did as Gibbs taught me.
-I'm sure you were a quick learner. So go and find him. Call me to tellme you found him asleep or drunk in his basement.
-I'm sure he is safe.
-I hope so. I want to know what happened so we can organise the searches if we have to. I won't allow another of my men to be killed by this s.o.b...
Tony was taken aback by Morrow's curse. He didn't wait for him to leave before grabbing his gun and jacket.
-McGee you're with me.
But when he turned he realised that Tim was already on his heels. The man was also a fast learner.
They ran more than walked to the cr. Tony wasn't aware of speed limits nor red lights, the only thing that he could concentrate on was that Gibbs was missing.

Chapter 7. (1/2)
Finding Gibbs.

Tony parked the car in front of Gibbs' house and opened the door imediately searching for evidences that his former boss was still at home. He had never wished than today to find Gibbs in his basement, sleeping drunk near his boat.

It was the only reason Gibbs would have missed his appointment... at least the only one Tony wanted to think about. But he knew too well that Gibbs would never have done such mistake, especially when expected for a new job..
But God knows he would have prefered that instead of what was running through his restless mind at that precise moment. He was so afraid of what they were about to find inside the house that he was almost unable to walk.

McGee seemed to be hesitating too as he exited the car.
-His car is not here.
-Is it a good or a bad sign, Tim?
-I don't know but maybe he was late and only left a moment ago...?
-I hope so, Tim... But it is the friend speaking and not the federal Agent...
-And what do the NCIS agent feel about it?

Tony looked at the man at his side. He knew that McGee was thinking about the same thing and that he needed to know they were on the same page.
-Have you ever headr of Gibbs being late or him missing an appointment?
-No, but he was pretty shaken when he left Ducky's house yesterday.
-Well, we were all but no matter what Gibbs would never have missed this meeting although...
-What?
-Although he had never planed to go...

McGee gave him a puzzled look.
-I'm not sure to understand...
Tony remained silent for a moment. He knew that McGee would understand it himself...Besides he couldn't say what he was thinking about out loud.
-You can't think of what I think you are thinking...
If the situation would not hav been so tragic Tony would have laughed at McGee's speech but he could only manage a small grin.

-Gibbs is the kind of man who plan everything. If he missed the meeting with Laundry... it was either willingly or...
-Someone prevented him from going there... Hell, I don't like any of these options....
-Exactly what I was thinking...
-We have more chances to find him if someone abducted him... If he had decided to hide from us there would be no way we'd find him.
-True but if Ari is behind it... I prefer not thinking about what he would do to him.

As they reached the front door they realised that something was really wrong. The door was open. Even if Gibbs was used to letting it unlocked, this was not normal. They reached for their gun at the same time.
Tony entered first searching for Gibbs in all the rooms while McGee was inspecting the basement.

There was no sign of fiht but Tony's blood froze when he heard McGee calling him from downstairs.
-Tony, come here.
Pictures melted with recent memories were running through his mind. He could almost see Gibbs on the floor of his basement, a round hole on his forehead like Kate only hours ago.

How could he have let it happen?

He had let him go, let him think he had lost his respect, his friendship. He stayed a while frozen in the kitchen, wondering if he would be able to calm down enough to go and see what McGee had found.
He finaaly heard McGee's footsteps, realising he had closed his eyes. The younger agent was in front of him and Tony could read the concern on his face.

-Are you okay, Tony?
-I think I'm a bit stressed... What have you found?
-It's the chaos down there. There is wood everywhere as if someone had decided to destroy everything. His boat is in tiny pieces.
-God, Gibbs would never have done it. He had spent hours on this boat. Anything else?
-There is blood on the floor but I couldn't go inside. We would have to clear the way, to really have a look. Any signs here?

Tony rubbed his eyes trying not to think that maybe it was Gibbs' blood.
-No, if someone attacked him the only evidences arein the basement. Call a team and tell them to hurry. We have to check everything. From now on, Gibbs is considered missing.

Tim looked at his new boss impressed by his self control. But for someone who was able to see further, it was obvious that Tony was worried for his friend. The right word was certainly closer to anxious. They were both aware that they had a job to do and that they would have to do it fast if they wanted to find Gibbs safe.

McGee took his cell and called for a team to be sent here ASAP. Tony called the local authorities, relieved to hear that they hadn't been any car crash nor any body found in the last ten hours. It must have been a record for Washington.
As the words came to his mind he could almost imagine Gibbs slapping him at the back of his head if he had said it out loud.

-I called for a team. They'll be there in ten.
-Fine. Washington P.D is searching for his car. I told tehm to do nothing if they find the car and call us.
-What did you tell them?
-I said that we probably had an agent abducted by an AlQaeda terrorist. And that the guy had already killed one of us...

They were interrupted by a knock atthe front door. They both turned to see Ducky coming in.
-Where is he, Anthony? Don't tell me he is...
-We didn't find him yet Ducky. His car is not here but there is no evidence he had been attacked except...
-What, Anthony?

The tension was obvious in the ME's voice and even if Tony didn't want him to worry he owed him the truth.
-His boat had been destroyed but we don't know if he did it himself or if someone else did.
-You know as well as I do how precious this stupid boat was to him. He would never have destroyed it himself.
-That's exactly what I thought but we must keep in mind that the events of the last days had hit him pretty hard.
-You are not thinking that he should have given up on his life and tried to make a clea break?
-You tell me. You know him better than I do. What do you think? Would he be able to...?
-To do something stupid? Two days ago I would have said No without even hesitating. But after what happened yesterday... I'm not so sure anymore.

Tony sat heavily on the couch showing for the firt time the extend of his doubts and pain.
-Even if it's not comforting, Idon't think that Gibbs would be the kind of man who could attend to his life even when he is down.

Tony slowly registered McGee's words trying to convince himself he was right but Kate was dead and if Gibbs had been abducted by Ari, he coudn't be sure they would be able to find him soon enough.
He was worried and begining to wonder what he would do if Gibbs died. At that thought he felt dizzy, he was unable to even consider the possibility. He didn't want to think about it because it was simply unbearable for him.

He was waiting for the scientists praying that the blood wouldn't match Gibbs'...
Praying that the man he ha rejected was still alive somewhere and that he would find him soon.
He needed to talk to him, he needed to see him again, to hear him once more.
Tim sat beside him and they shared an heavy and meaningful silence.

The scientist team was at work in Gibbs' basement searching for evidences ... Something that could explain Gibbs' disappearance. Tony was everywhere at the same time: on the phone with search teams, on scientist's heels making them work faster...

McGee was examining Gibbs' paper and boxes left in the room. At the same time he was looking at his new boss. He didn't want him to over react. Kate's death had hit him pretty hard and he had witneesed the fight between him and Gibbs. He had seen Tony's anger and he was now wondering what else had happened between them...
What had made Gibbs feel the need to leave his job, the town where he had lived for years. Tim was now sure that it had something to do with his new boss.

Looking at Tony now he could see that the man was under a lot of pressure but he was showing an impatience that was not his usual way of investigating with a new case.Even if he knew that this case was much more for him, Tony was well aware they had to consider it that way to be really efficient. Tony was letting his feelings guide him, he was pacing, yelling. Tim walked to him.

-Tony, What's wrong?
-They can't tell me if it's Gibbs' blood down there. And their for that is that their computer had shut down. They can't check their files. We can't afford such a wate of time... It may only be a question of hours before Ari decide to kill him....
-Tony we are all aware that we have to hirry. What about Gibbs' computer? I could use it to have aconnection with NCIS and ask Abby to send Gibbs' file...

Tony sighed realizing he'd better be the boss he was supposed to be instead of yelling at everyone.
-You do that, Tim. But don't say to Abby why you need it.
-She has the right to know. She is a part of the team too.
-I know that but don't tell her until we are sure there is nothing to worry about.
Tim frowned but Tony was the boss so he would do as asked.

Tony looked at the room and saw that everyone was at work, trying to find something which could lead them to Gibbs. He knew that Tim had been right about Abby but he didn't want her to worry.
Nobody had heard Ducky enter the room. Tony felt a hand on his arm and turned to see the worry look teh ME was giving him.

-What happened, Anthony?
-We don't know, for now,Ducky. Gibbs is not here...
-But...?
-But... his boat had been destroyed and we've found some blood on the floor of the basement. There is no evidence that it could be Gibbs' blood or that someone else had been there.
-Do you really think that Gibbs could have done that? This boat was his baby. And if it's not his blood.... Who else?
-I don't know Ducky but for now I don't want to think the worst might have happened here. I need to believe he is still alive and that we will find him.
-Even if you are his friend you are also and first an NCIS agent, Anthony... And Gibbs needs you to be that agent.
-I don't think I would be able to go on if he dies because of me... I had not been a friend for him when he needed me the most and I would never forgive myself if something happened to him...
-Jethro wanted you for the job because he knew that you would be the best to do it. If someone can find him it's you, my friend. You need to be as confident in your abilities than Jethro when he recommanded you for the job.
-Where do we begin?
-Can I have a lot at what you found in the basement?
-Sure, they've jsut finished searching it.

They both walked to the stairs and found McGee working on a computer, speaking with someone.
-Hi, Timothy.
-Ducky.
-What have you found?
-Abby's just sent me the results of her analysis on the blood found on the floor.
-I told you to be discreet, Tim.
Tony heard an angry voice coming from the computer.
-Did you really think I couldn't figure out by myself whose blood it could be or why you wanted Gibbs' file?
-I didn't want you to worry, Abs.
-Never do that again, Tony. I'm a member of this team too and I don't need to be protected. Is that clear?
-Crystal, Abs. Won't do that again. I promise... So?
-The blood could be Gibbs'. I would need more time to be sure. I wish I had better news. Sorry Tony.
-Not your fault, Abby.
Abby didn't reply immediately. The young woman seemed to hesitate and they could hear her take a deep breath before speaking.
-Tony, tell me you are going to find him... tell me he is fine...

Tony could hear the words she was not saying out loud.
-I wish I could promise you that, Abs. The only thing I can promise is that I won't rest until I've found him.
-Thanks, Tony.
-I call you as soon as we have something new.
McGee hit the button and shut down the connection. Then he turned to look expectingly at his new boss. He knew that Tony had no more answers than him but he still needed him to take the lead, to show them the way... and maybe give them hope.
-What do we do now, Tony? We can't just wait here?
-Of course not, Tim. I want you to knock at every doors and see if someone had seen or heard something unusual.
-Sure, Tony.

Ducky could sense the tension in Tony's voice and placed a gentle hand on his friend's arm.
-I don't think that Jethro could have driven his car himself. He was exhausted the last time we saw him and with the blood loss...
-So if someone dragged him to his car, the neighboors could have seen something.
Tony looked at McGee who hadn't moved.
-McGee you need me to send you an invitation or are you going to interview the neighboors?
-On it, Boss.
He had said it out of reflex but he saw that Tony had tensed at the words he had so often heard or said himself.
-Sorry, Tony. But you know, old habits die hard. And you sounded so like him...
Tony couldn't help smiling at McGee's babbling. He was used to doing it a lot when Gibbs was putting more pressure on him.
-No need to apologize, Tim. Just get the job done.
McGee didn't wait and ran upstairs, Tony and Ducky on his heels. Ducky caught Tony's arms.
-What now, Anthony?
-I don't know, Ducky.
Tony knew that he could be honest with the older man.
-I can't help feeling that something had gone really wrong.
-I'm worried too.

They were interrupted my Tony's cell. Ducky could see the younger man's face grew white.
-What?... Where?...Don't touch anything. We'll be there in five minutes.
Tony hung up trying not to run to his car.
-What happened, Tony?
Tony turned to face the ME realizing that it was the first he had heard him call him Tony. He was not it was a good sign.
-They've found Gibbs'car, abandonned on a small road, in the middle of nowhere.
-Is he...?
-No, the cops said there was noone inside the car.
-I'm coming with you.
-Sure, Ducky. We may need medical assistance...Could you try to find McGee and join me in the car?
Ducky didn't ask any more questions even if he was aware that Tony was hiding something from him. Five minutes later they were driving to the place where the car had been found. Ducky noticed that they were not driving in the direction Gibbs would have taken if he had wanted to go to his appointment. McGee seemed pretty nervous on the passenger seat.

-What did the cops tell you, Tony?
-I didn't have time to ask for a complete report, Tim!
-That's not what Timothy was asking. But I think there is something you refuse to tell us.
-Ok, the cops told me that they had found the car locked, empty except...
Tony hesitated, partly because he didn't want to alarm his friends, partly because saying it out loud would have made it more real. He sighed, trying to find enough strength to go on. He felt Ducky's hand on his shoulder.
-We need to know, Anthony. Jethro is our friend.
-I know, ducky but I think I secretely wished they were wrong.
-There was something wrong about the car?
-They found more blood on the window...
-Did they search the area?
-Not yet. I asked them to wait for us before doing anything. I didn't want them to ruin our chances to find Gibbs.
The three of them stayed silent for the remaining of the travel, trying to keep hope.

As soon as they arrived, they discovered Gibbs' car surrounded by cops, dogs. Tony ran to them.
-Agent Dinozzo ? We found it there. Noone touched it as you asked. We tried to open it at first but it's locked.
-Thanks, we'll take it from here.
-Sure. If you need anything...
Tony nodded gratefully. He walked to the car, looking through the window on the passenger side he could see traces of blood.
-McGee! Open that damn car!
Tony took his cell to call the search team, looking at the woods around...
-Where are you, Jethro? Don't you dare die like that, not now...
-Anthony? Are you fine?
-I'm not really sure, Ducky. He must be here somewhere, probably hurt and i don't know where to begin.

-I think I've found something!
Tony and Ducky both joined McGee behind the car.
-What have you, Tim?
-Footprints...!
-How many...?
-One person I think but it's hard to say.
-What direction, Tim?
-Down there.
McGee was pointing to the wood.
-So that's where we are going to begin our search. Tim grab your gear.
-You don't wait for the search team? They would be able to trace him?
Tony walked to McGee facing him.
-Tim, Gibbs is somewhere out there, maybe injured, Ari on his heels...
-Ok, you made your point. Let's go find our boss.
Tony smiled sadly at his friends.
-We are going to follow the traces as long as we can. Ducky you should stay here and wait for the team I called. Could you give us a case with what we could need to help him if...
-Sure, Anthony. What do I tell the team when they arrive?
-Tell them that we are searching for an injured man probably hunted by a terrorist armed and dangerous.
Ducky nodded and looked at the two men while they ran into the forest.
-Bring him back, Anthony...

Tony and McGee walked from five minutes following Gibbs' traces. Tony was worried as they found more blood.
-Tony there is more blood as if he had slowed down.
-You must be right... I think he is weakening...
McGee stopped abruptly.
-Tony,down there!

Tony looked in the direction McGee was indicating. That's when he saw him lying on the ground. He tried not to fall while running to him. He surprised himself praying. He had not prayed for years but today was the day to ask for a little help.
He knelt at Gibbs' side, taking the older man in his arms. He tried not to cry at the sight of what Ari had done to him. Tony didn't hear McGee kneeling next to him. All his senses were concentrated on the man in his arms...

Chapter 8.
Healing process.

Tony hadn't realized McGee was talking to him until he felt his frineds hand on his arm.
-Is he...?
-He is weak but he is alive. I have to clean up his wounds. You just stay here and look around. I don't think that Ari could still be here but better be careful...
McGee took his gun, ready to fire if Ari showed up. He secretly wished he would be able to kill that man himself.
That bastard had tortured Gibbs not enough to kill him, he hadn't hurt him badly enough to make his life in danger... but he had abandonned him here in the middle of nowhere with no way to find help or to call someone....

Tony was trying to open the case Ducky had given him but his hands were shaking too much. He took deep breaths trying to slow down his heart beat. A moan from Gibbs caught his attention and he rushed to his side. Gibbs was trying to stand up unaware of the two men next to him.
-Hey, Gibbs! Calm down! You are safe, now.
Although Gibbs' eyes had been wide open he didn't seem to see Tony or recognize him.
-Tony the team you called is here.
Tony took his eyes away from Gibbs a moment to see three men walking in their direction.
-You tell them to search the area for any trace of Ari.

Tony hadn't left Gibbs' side while talking with McGee. The older was exhausted and seemed to have difficulties to breath. Tony placed a hand on his forearm but Gibbs was not prepared for the contact and he tried to escape Tony's hold.
He managed to stand up and swayed while walking away from what he thought was a threat. He was too weak to go far and when he fell, Tony was behind him preventing him from other injuries.

-It's ok, Gibbs. Nobody will hurt you , now.
-Tony...?
-Yes, it's me. Who else would have found you here?
-He told me... He showed me pictures...
Tony couldn't understand what the man in his arms was talking about but he realized at that moment that the wounds Ari had inflicted to him had not only been physical ones.
-It's over now. You are safe. Let me have a look at your wounds. Sit here while I go and take the bag...

Gibbs nodded weakly trying to control the nausea threatening to overwhelm him. When Tony returned at his side, he began to unbutton Gibbs' jacket and shirt. Tony gave him a puzzled look as he heard Gibbs laugh.
-What is so funny, boss?
-I was thinking I didn't want to wake up from this dream...
-I'm not quite sure to understand. Judging by the bruises and the cuts you have, it must have been anything but a dream.
-The cuts and the bruises will heal...
Tony didn't like the tone Gibbs had used to say this sentence.

-What did he do to you?
Gibbs sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Tony knew there was more than bruises.
-Not now, Tony. Take me out of here, please.
-You think you can walk? We are not so far from the road but we can wait for the medics.
-I don't want to stay here, Tony. I think that if you help me I would be able to walk to the road.
-Ok. McGee come here and bring the blanket with you.
McGee was still staring at the woods trying to find any signs of Ari. He had not really looked at Gibbs and when he gave the blanket to Tony he realized what the older man had been through.
-Hey, Boss. How are you feeling?
-Peachy, Tim.
-I know... stupid question.
Tony put the blanket on Gibbs' shoulders feeling the older man shiver under his touch. His reaction could be due to the exhaustion but the two men couldn't help wondering if it was not something else...

Tony passed his arm around Gibbs' waist helping him up.
-Let's get you back home, boss.
They began their walk to the road where Ducky and a medical assistance were waiting.McGee began to think that they should have waited for a stretcher. Gibbs had more and more difficulties to walk, leaning heavily on Tony.
-Let's rest a minute.
-Thanks,Tony... Do you think he is still here?
They hadn't pronounced Ari's name but Tony and McGee couldn't doubt who Gibbs was talking about. Tony didn't miss the fear in Gibbs' voice and as much as he wanted to reassure him, he couldn't lie.
-There is a possibility that this nut case could still be here somewhere but we didn't find any traces...

Gibbs looked around as if he was searching for something... a sign that the man responsible for his worst nightmare wasn't hiden somewhere.
-But I also think that he is smart enough to know when he has lost... We've got you, now...
-He didn't want to kill me. He just wanted me to know that he was bale to hurt me or one of mine whenever he wanted to...
-What happened, Gibbs?
-He had the control on everything, since the beginning... Kate's death on that roof... the way he trapped me in my own house, what he told me... all of this was a part of his plan...
-I don't understand. What did he tell you?
-Don't ask me that now, Tony! I don't want to think about it!
-As you wish. For now, you need a soft bed and a doctor.

They began their walk to the road but Gibbs was too weak to make one more step and began to cough. Tony was unable to catch him and they both ended on the ground. Tony helped Gibbs leaning on the trunk of an oak.
-Take it easy, Boss. Breath slowly.
Tony turned to McGee when Gibbs' breathing got less laboured. The young agent was already at their side and Tony could see the concern in his eyes while he was looking at Gibbs' face, distorted by pain.
-Tim, go ahead and bring back the meds.
-I can walk, Tony. Give me a minute to catch my breath back.
-No way, boss. You may have internal injuries and i won't risk worsening them any further...
-I'm fine, Tony...
-Sure, boss... McGee, go...
McGee looked back at Gibbs searching for an approbation that didn't come.

-Tim, I'm your boss and I just gave you a direct order. Now run up there and come back with a doctor and a stretcher... Now!
Tony had yelled but he saw in McGee's eyes that he had made his point. The young agent got up and ran up the hill.
Tony wrapped the blanket around Gibbs' shoulders.
-They won't be long. Tim is a fast runner.
-Especially when you get bossy with him!
-I learnt from the best...

Gibbs laughed but it soon turned into another cough and more pain. He was tired of aching... the pain he ahd endured in the last hours had been expertingly distilled and he couldn't find a single place on his body that was not hurting.
-He did a pretty good job torturing you?... I mean...
-I know what you mean, Tony. He had been very carefully. He wanted me to remember every minutes of it. He never let me pass out.
-Shit, I'm sorry , boss. I should have placed you under protection. Damn, I should have done it myself.
-No!
Gibbs had yelled and Tony was stunned to see the agonizing pain on his former boss' face.
-I know it had been pretty tensed between us lately but I should have been able to protect you or at least see that you were in danger...
-I've been very careful... believe me but there was no way to stop him... and putting your life in the line would certainly not have been the solution...

Tony didn't miss the sadness in Gibbs' voice mixed with something else he had never heard in his boss' voice.
-I thin it had nothing to do with me. He wanted you to suffer...
-And he was ready to kill everyone I could care for. You would not have been in security with me... hell you would not be safe until we catch him.
Tony looked at the man in front of him and saw the truth in his eyes. Gibbs took a deep breath before going on.
-I'm sorry, Tony.
-For what, Boss...? You are not responsible for what ari had planned...
-Sure, I am! It's my fault if he decided to kill Kate...
Tony was about to reply but Gibbs talked before him.

-Ari thought there was something between Kate and me. That's why he shot her. I don't know how he got the information but now, he knows that I care for and he...
Gibbs couldn't continue. He was obviously lost in some bad memory and Tony wondered what had happened to him. He put an hand on his shoulder trying to bring him back to the present.
-You are safe, now...
-Maybe but you are not...
-If he had wanted to kill me, he would have shot me on that roof...
-but he didn't know what I feel for you and now he is aware of what you mean to me...
-So that's why you decided to go away from here...?
-You were not really ok with what I told you if you remember...
-Yeah... Well, I admit I may have over reacted... you didn't even give me time to think about it...
-You didn't need time to know what you were feeling Tony...

Gibbs closed his eyes when a wave of pain hit him. His head was pounding...
-Boss, are you ok?
-Not really Tony. My head hurts and it's harder to breath...
-Where is McGee? Those geeks are nowhere when you need them.
Gibbs began to laugh at Tony's words but he only managed another cough and finished bent over his friend's shoulder trying to catch his breath. McGee chose this moment to arrive with two paramedics and a gurney.

Ducky was also with them, he had been unable to stay on the road knowing his friend was injured. The ME stopped as he saw Gibbs' face and chest. He knelt by his side and put a hand on his arm. He couldn't do anything to lessen the pain but he needed to be here as well as Tony who was looking protectively at his boss while an IV was put on his right arm.
-I've just sent some happy juice in your veins. You're going to feel better soon and we are going to put you on that gurney and bring you to the hospital where a soft bed and a scadron of nurses are waiting for you...

Gibbs maneged a weak nod as he was slowly drifting into sleep. Tony felt relieved as he saw the tension go away from Gibbs' face. The young man beside Gibbs looked up at Tony.
-If you want to follow us... we are going to transport him now. I gave him a slight sedative to move him without pain but he will soon be awake and he would be much more comfortable in a bed.
-I come with you. I'm not leaving him...
-Rules are clear, Sir. You can't...
-I don't care... young man.... This man had been the target of a dangerous terrorist who has already killed a member of our team... I won't let him without protection no matter how many rules I have to screw to do that...

The young man didn't know haw to react in front of the man's anger. Ducky stood up and faced Tony.
-Anthony, I think you made your point and I'm sure you would be allowed to go with Jethro if you promise not to come in the way...
He turned to the paramedics visibly relieved by the older man's speech. They nodded at the ME, avoiding Tony's glare.
-We should hurry, Sir. This man needs health cares we can't give him here...
They carried Gibbs up to the ambulance and Tony was glad that Gibbs had been uncounscious during that part of the trip. He didn't know the extense of his injuries but he ahd seen enough people suffering from broken ribs to recognize the symptoms. He had experienced it himself once or twice.
They were now driving to the hospital and Tony could only hope that Gibbs would be fine. He must admit that he was worried looking at the pale face of his friend.

They werewaiting for an hour in the hall of the ER. Tony was feeling worried, angry, nervous and he didn't really know what to do with those feelings. He was pacing up and down this hall for half an hour trying to find a way to catch this bastard and make him pay for what he had done to Gibbs. Even if he didn't know the whole story yet he was aware that Gibbs' injuries were not only physical. He had witnessed the fear in his eyes when he had touched him. There was other things he couldn't explain for now.
First, why Gibbs had been so surprised to see him alive and then why Ari had left him alive? It would have been easy for him to simply kill Gibbs. What was his goal? He had killed Kate without even blinking and he now hesitate to kill a man he had hated for years.

Tony suddenly realized that Ducky was looking at him. The older man hadn't said a word since they arrival at the hospital. He seemed to wait for Tony to say something. The ME was aware of the anger radiating from his friend and he was waiting fo rit to explode in a way or another.
It was obvious that Tony was upset by the last days' events but what made him so angry was when and in what circumstances those events had happened. The older man knew that Tony was feeling guilty about what had happened. He felt like he had abandonned a friend when he needed him the most.

Gibbs had known from the begining what might happen and he had put his life in the line without telling any of them. He had wanted to face Ari alone but he should have trusted them. They were a team and Tony felt like he had failed his boss, he had failed the only man who had always been there for him, who had never lied to him...No matter what they had been through he had always been able to rely on him... And now what?
Gibbs had been injured... he would heal but what about himself? Where was his place now? He had violentely rejected him and now he wanted him to accept his help... How could he ask Gibbs to trust him, now? The older man may have loved him but he was no fool... As soon as he would be able to move he would flee as far away as he could from him.

-Anthony, you must slow down! There is no point feeling responsible for what happened!
-Ducky, please. Stop trying comforting me. I let him go... worse I pushed him away. And he was alone when Ari came...
Tony looked at the man in front of him. He sighed heavily and sat on the chair next to the ME. He had seen no reproach in Ducky's eyes and he couldn't help feeling relieved by his reaction.
-I messed up this time, Ducky?
-What are you talking about, my friend? ... The way Gibbs had had to face Ari alone or the way you reacted when he told you about his feelings?

Tony couldn't really answer this question because he didn't know why he was so angry... Angry was maybe not the right word. He was worried... He had scared that Gibbs could have been killed. He was unable to explain why he had been so scared but when he had seen him on the lying on the ground he had thought he was dead...He had thought he would never have the chance to tell him how sorry he was... how he regreted the words he had told him...

-I don't know, Ducky... Both I think... I was so angry that he had lied to me all those years but when we discovered him in that wood... I realized I had over reacted... I acted like a capricious child.
-You felt betrayed but Jethro never meant to hurt you or to lie to you.
-I know that now ... I should have taken time to think about what he had said. But I reacted instinctively and he paid the high price for it...
-What do you mean, my friend?
-Gibbs knew that Ari would have come after me if he had known about his feelings so he made everything to put distance between us...

Tony could see that Ducky didn't undertsand what he was saying.
-Gibbs told me a little about what happened but Ari said that he had killed Kate because he thought there was something between them...That bastard wanted him to suffer one way or another.
-Holy shit!
Tony was stunned to hear such words in Ducky's mouth and he would have smiled if the situation had not been so tensed.
-Ari told Gibbs he had killed Caitlin because of him?
-Yes, he did. But I think there is more he didn't tell me. I felt that there was something he didn't want me to know... He seemed a little confused when we found him and he said something about pictures Ari had showed him...I've never seen so much fear in his eyes...
-I will try to talk with him as soon as we would be allowed to see him.
-Sure, Ducky. He would more likely talk to you than to me.

Ducky put a hand on Tony's arm trying to reassure him. They waited in silence for someone to tell them where their friend was and when they would be allowed to bring him back home. Half an hour later a doctor came to them.
-Hi, I'm Doctor Bates. You came with Agent Gibbs?
-Yes, I'm Doctor Mallard and here is Special Agent Dinozzo. How is he?
-You can say he had been lucky. We found no internal bleedings, no fracture. He had been severely beaten and I can say that the one who did that was a professional.
-What makes you think that, doctor?
-Well, he wanted him to suffer and the injuries, even if they are not life threteaning, are for sure very painful.
-Can we see him?
-Of course, there is no reason for him to stay here any longer. I recommand that someone stay with him tonight just to be sure... There will be some things he won't be able to do alone but all he needs is rest and good meals...
-Thank you, doctor.
-You will find him behind the second door on the right.

The two men looked at the young doctor as he was walking down the corridor to his other patients. They were both relieved but something was still bothering them as they faced Gibbs' door.
-Ducky, you should come in alone. As I told you he would more likely talk to you and we need to know what happened...
-I know we need to catch ari but don't you think it would be better to give him some time. I'm not sure he would be ready to talk now.
-Damn, Ducky. Do you think I want you to talk to him because of the investigation? I'm sure Ari has already left the country and even if he is still here we would find a way to catch him without Gibbs being involved...

Ducky stayed silent for a moment giving Tony time to find a way to say what he really meant.
-Gibbs needs to talk to a friend... and I'm not the one he wants beside him for now....
-I'm sorry Anthony, I misjudged your intentions. But I think you ar ewrong. You are the only one he would talk to...
Ducky could see how insecure Tony was about his relationship with his former boss... and he realized they wold need time to figure out what they really were for each other.
-I don't know what you are afraid about my friend but Jethro loves you no matter what and I'm sure he would never blame you for what happened.
-Maybe, Ducky...
The ME undrestood that he wouldn't obtain anything more from his younger friend. One more time he would play the role of the mediator between them.
-We are going to do as you wish, Anthony.
-Thanks, Ducky. You bring him home and I'll wait for you there. I don't want him to see his house like Ari had left it...
-You intend to rebuild his boat?
Tony smiled softly at the older man but Ducky cold read the sadness behind that smile.
-If only I could...
-I know, my friend. I'll bring him back home.

Ducky waited for Toyn's deaprture before opening the door in front of him. When he entered the room he found Gibbs lying on the bed, eyes closed.
-I thought I would find you already dressed and ready to go home, Jethro.
Gibbs opened his eyes at the sound of his friend's voice. He tried to sit but the pain stopped him half way. Ducky winced at the sight of his friend suffering like that. He walked to the bed and helped him sitting on the edge of the bed.

-Thanks, Ducky... I've been able to dress but ... the floor is too low and I couldn't put my shoes on... And don't laugh at me....
-I won't laugh at you, Jethro. Let me help you so we could bring you home.
Ducky suddenly felt Gibbs freeze at this words and saw fera in those blue eyes usually so clear.
-Talk to me Jethro. What happened?
Gibbs shook his head. He didn't want to talk about what Ari had done to him. He looked up as if he was searching for something. Ducky didn't know how to react at the sudden panic he could read on Gibbs' face.
-Jethro, What's wrong?

Gibbs seemed to realize that Ducky was in the room with him. He swallowed trying to find the strength to ask the question he feared to ask. He knew his fears were irrational but he had no control on them.
-Where is Tony... Ducky tell me he is fine... tell me noone hurt him...
Gibbs knew he was babbling but he was unable to stop the words.
-Jethro, try to calm down. Breath slowly.
-Ducky please tell me he is fine...
The ME couldn't stand the despair his friend was in. He hugged him as he saw the first tear running down his cheeks.
-Anthony is fine, Jethro. He is waiting for us at your house. He wanted to be sure everything was secured there...
-Are you sure?
-I'm sure, Jethro. I've just left him, he was here five minutes ago. Now if you could tell me what made you think that something cold have happened to Anthony?

Gibbs shook his head one more time and Ducky coldn't help wondering what could have made him so insecure and scared that he couldn't even talk...
-I need to see him, Ducky. Bring me home, please.

Pleading was unusual, almost forbidden by a rule in Gibbs' world but the need was so strong. He wanted to see by himself that what Ari had told him had been a lie, that the pictures he ahd showed him had been faked. Each time he closed his eyes he could see them, he could still hear Ari's laugh...

Ari had pretended he had taken the pictures himself while he was torturing Tony. He had said that Tony had died, that he had let him bleed to death... He had seen the blood on the pictures... he had seen the man he loved covered with his own blood, his eyes closed...

Gibbs had no way to know Ari was lying to him. And for hours he had endures the blows without even feeling the pain...Tony was dead because of him... he had been here for him...He had not been able to save the man he loved more than life itself...

For hours he had thought that Tony was lost for him and he had pleaded that bastard to kill him too. But Ari had laughed and told him he would have to do it himself....He could still hear his laugh ringing at his ears...

-Jethro, come back to me. Where were you gone?
Gibbs smiled weakly at his friend.
-In my own private nightmare...
-Let's go home, my friend...
Ducky knew there was not much he could do to help his friend...there was something he didn't want to talk about and the ME knew he wouldn't tell him. Tony was the key and the older man could only hope that the younger agent wold find the way to ease the pain in Gibbs' heart.

Chapter nine.
Back home.

Ducky drove to Gibbs'house respecting his friend's silence. The ME parked his car in front of the house behind Tony's. He heard Gibbs' sigh as he saw Tony's black car.
-Anthony is fine, Jethro. Let's go inside and you will be able to see from yourself.
-Sure, Ducky. But I think I'm going to need some help to get out of the car.
-Of course, my friend.

Ducky opened the passenger door and helped his friend out. Gibbs winced but he managed to stand up and walk to his front door.
As they entered the living room, they found Tony and McGee sitting on the couch. They both stood up hearing their friends enter the room. Ducky was still looking around.
-You two did a good job with the house in only twenty minutes, Anthony.
-It was not me, Ducky. Tim was already there as when I arrived. He had managed to give the house some kind of order.
-Good job, Timothy.
-I thought it would be better for Gibbs to come back in a clean house.

Gibbs had not moved. He couldn't stop looking at Tony. He was aware of the puzzled look of his friends but he didn't care. Tony was alive and in front of him at arm's length but he was unable to move, unable to do what he had ached to do since he had opened his eyes on him in that forest... he wanted to touch him, to feel that he was really here and not a product from his imagination...

-Jethro, are you ok?
Tony walked to him. He was worried to see the pale skin and the tension on Gibbs' face.
-You should sit down, Boss. You look like someone who is about to pass out.
Gibbs tried to walk to the couch but his legs didn't want to obey him and he only managed one step before his knees gave up under him. He ended on the floor of his living room with three men surrounding him.
Ducky was checking his vitals while McGee went to search a glass of water in the kitchen. Tony was frozen and couldn't decide wether to move and help his friend or stay here. He was looking at his boss, so weak that he was almost unable to keep his eyes open.

-Anthony, come here and help me lying him on the couch.
Tony seemed to wake up at the sound of Ducky's voice and he hurried at Gibbs' side. Gibbs looked up at him as he passed an arm around his waist. He let Tony held him and leaned on the pillow McGee had brought and put on the couch for him. The older man sighed and tried to let the pain go away.

-Try to relax, Jethro and take those pills. They'll help you with the pain.
-I'm fine, Ducky.
-You don't look so fine to me, Boss.
Tony had sat on the coffee table next to the couch. The young man was obviously concerned.
-Maybe, Tony. But I'm feeling as fine as I can be given the circumstances...
-Which circumstances, Gibbs...?
-You are well aware of what happened, don't make me explain it to you. You are a better investigator than that.
Tony was begining to feel the anger raise hearing Gibbs' words.
-Ok, if you want to play it like that...

Ducky looked at Tony trying to make him change his mind. He knew what Tony was planing to do and he didn't think that Gibbs would be strong enough for such a confrontation. The younger man looked back at him and Ducky could see the determination in his eyes.
Tony thought it was the only way to make Gibbs talk about what happened to him. Ducky nodded to him and took McGee wit pretending they needed to buy something to eat. He didn't want to be on the way of what would be a tough fight.

-What are you planning, Agent Dinozzo?
-You know very well what I have to do. Your kidnapping and the investigation are under NCIS juridiction. And I'm the one in charge... So I'm gonna take your deposition on the facts...
-I could give you a complete report tomorrow...
-We haven't so much time before Ari decides to leave the country...
-Tony, if he had planned to leave the country he is already far away...
-Maybe but we won't take any risk... he may still be after you.
-Tony...
-No, Gibbs... I have a job to do and the sooner we'll get rid of this the better.

Gibbs sighed heavily and Tony wasn't sure he would talk. He didn't know what he would do if the older decided to keep his secrets.
-I see, Agent Dinozzo. You want to keep that on a professional plan. I can do that...
-I learnt from the best. So tell me what happened yesterday after I left you on the parking in front of the church.
-I just stayed there for a moment... Maybe ten minutes before driving home.
-Did you see anyone following you? Anything suspect?
-To be honest, I didn't pay attention but I don't remember anything unusual... I parked my car in the alley and went inside. When I opened the door I didn't notice anything strange. I sat on the couch and didn't check the other rooms immediatly. I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up it was already dark outside.
-What did you do next?
-I went to the basement and he was there waiting for me. My boat... he had destroyed it piece by piece and he was pointing a gun at me, I was unarmed and couldn't do anything. He tied me to a chair...

Gibbs swallowed trying to find the words to describe what Ari had done to him. If Gibbs had been a witness or a suspect in one of their case, Tony would never have let him breath and would have asked a question. But Gibbs was his friend and it was obvious that the older man had difficulties talking about what had happened.
Tony walked to the kitchen giving him some space and some time. He came back with two steaming mugs of coffee and took a chair to sit next to Gibbs.

-Thanks, Tony. It's not really a good technic to let someone think about what he has to say. A testimony is always more accurate when the witness is under pressure.
-I know Boss. But you are not a usual witness. I think you've been through a lot and you don't really need me to put some more pressure.
-So, we are not on a professional plan anymore?
-Don't misunderstand me, I'm in charge of the investigation and I need your deposition on the facts. But we are not in a hurry.
-So...Why? why do you need to hear it now?
-The question is not what "I" need but what you need to do.
-Thanks, Tony to think of my welfare but I'd only talk about what you need for your investigation. I don't need you to be my shrink...
-Sure. And what do you intend to do? Hide what you've been through hoping it would disappear? Pretend nothing had happened?
-I don't want to be rude, Tony but it's not your problem. I'm going to tell you what you need but don't ask for more...

Gibbs had put back on the mask he was wearing for years. Tony couldn't let the older push him away like that.
-Ok, so next question... Why were you surprised to see me when we found you? You told me something about pictures...
Tony had always been able to go straight to the facts. Gibbs had always admired the younger man's ability to keep only what was essential on a crime scene. Tony hadn't forgotten Gibbs' reaction.

The older man couldn't answer that question without living once again the worst hours he had ever lived. He didn't want to think about the pain he had felt thinking that Tony had been killed because of him. He closed his eyes trying to erase the images of Tony's face covered with blood.
Tony knew he had to ask this question but looking at Gibbs now he was afraid to have pushed too far. He placed a hand on Gibbs' arm.

-What had he done to you? You know you can talk to me?
-I can't, Tony. He beat me and used what he had learnt from his years as a Mossad agent... But the physical pain was nothing... I could deal with it but what he told me...
-What did he say? Has it something to do with me and what you told me about your feelings?
Tony was surprised to hear Gibbs laugh but he could see no joy on his face when the older amn looked up at him. Tony didn't say one more word. He knew it was now Gibbs' choice, he couldn't oblige him to say something that was obviously still painful.

-You are right, once more. Ari knew everything about I told you. I don't know how he managed that but he played with it... used my feelings against me...
-It was not a game, wasn't it?
-He told me things I already knew but you know how different things may sound when said by someone else. He laughed at me saying I've been stupid to think someone like you could ever love someone like me... I replied I had never thought you would ever love me back and that's when he showed me... the pictures... They seemed real...

Gibbs had now difficulties to breath. Tony sat next to him on the couch putting a hand on his right knee whilme his right hand was patting his back. Tony suddenly realized how easy it had been for him. He had found his place at Gibbs' side reassuring him.
-Who was on these pictures?
Gibbs looked up at him and Tony could see how hard it was for him to talk about it.
-You... Tony...You were on these pictures. He told me he had taken them himself...There was blood everywhere... all over your clothes, your face... He laughed and told me he had taken his time to torture you before killing you...
-It could not be true, Gibbs... He had just left you....
-I didn't know how much time I had spent in the basement with him... He made him take some drug and once or twice he had left me alone... He told me you were dead because of me... that he had had to kill you because you meant too much for me...

It was too much for him to say those words out loud and he was unable to hold back the tears. He let the tension go away. Tony was still close to him amazed by what he had learnt.
-You thought all this time that I was dead...?
-I was so angry at him, at myself... I had already let him kill Kate and now it was you...
Tony took Gibbs in his arms, letting him put his head on his shoulder. For the first time since they had found him in the woods, Gibbs was begining to realize that it was not a dream... that Tony was really here with him alive...

After what seemed hours, Tony felt gibbs relaxed in his arms and he realized the older man had fallen asleep, exhausted by the events of the last days. He lied him down on the couch and began to pace around the room. He had known from the begining that Ari had wanted to find a way to hurt Gibbs. And that bastard had found it.
Tony had believed Gibbs when he had confessed his feelings but he had today the proof of the depth of that love. Gibbs' body was battered and bruised biut his soul had been damaged...

The older man had not found the words to describe what he had felt when he had thought Tony was dead but the younger man had seen in his eyes the despair, he had heard the fear in his voice. Ari had made him face his worst nightmare... the death of the man he loved and he had made this death even more unbearable telling him he was responsible for that.

Tony stopped when he heard a moan coming from Gibbs. The older man was visibly having a bad dream and Tony could guess what it was about. For a moment he wished he could put a hand on that bastard and wipe away the smile from his face for good.
If only killing him could make Gibbs forget what had happened... but Tony knew it would take much more to erase those memories.
Gibbs was becoming more and more agitated, whispering in his troubled sleep. It was unbearable for Tony to see his friend suffer like that. He walked to the couch, sitting next to Gibbs he saw the tears on his cheeks. He reached a hand to wipe them away... Gibbs jerked at Tony's hand touched his face.

-It's me, Jethro. It's Tony. Nobody will hurt you... You are safe now...
-Tony...?
-I'm right here.
The older man seemed to be still asleep and oblivion to the place he was...
-I'm so sorry Tony.
-There is nothing to be sorry for Boss... I'm fine.
-I let him kill you... I shouldn't have told you what I felt for you... You would still be alive...
Tony was not even sure Gibbs had heard him.
-Jethro, you must listen to me... It's only a bad dream.
-Tony !

Gibbs grabbed Tony's shirt and the younger man pulled him closer putting his arms around him. Gibbs rested his head on Tony's chest.
-Listen to my heart, Jethro. I'm here with you...
Tony's soft voice seemed to have reached Gibbs' conscious. He opened his eyes but he din't move. He didn't want to leave the refuge of Tony's arms but he realized that staying like that would probably make Tony uncomfortable. He pulled back sitting on the couch.
Tony released his tight embrace and looked at the man in front of him. Gibbs seemed exhausted and his blue eyes refused to look up at him.

-Jethro, Are you ok?
Gibbs was still staring at his shaking hands visibly still shoked by his nightmare. Tony took Gibbs' hands in his trying to ease the tension he could feel in his frined's body.
-Jethro, please talk to me!
Tony was worrying for him as Gibbs didn't move.
-Jethro, say something... You are scaring me.
Tony squeezed his friend's hands trying to make him feel that he was here for him. Seconds streched into minutes when he finally heard Gibbs' voice.
-Tony?
-I'm right here with you. What do you want me to do?

Gibbs hesitated for a moment. He knew what he needed but he was not sure Tony would accept that. He needed to be close to him, to feel his warmth. He looked up at the man he loved hoping that he would not be rejected once more. But he could only read concern in Tony' hazel eyes.
-Tell me what you need, Jethro.
The tears were back in Gibbs' eyes when he whispered the words to Tony.
-Can you just hold me?
Tony took Gibbs in his arms, gently caressing his back. Without realising what he was doing, Tony began to rock the man in his arms telling soft words in his ears.
-It's ok, now. I'm here with you and I won't let you alone. Try to relax, you need to rest... It had been a hard day... hell it had been a hard week... but it's over now... We are both safe and we are going to go through this together...

Gibbs closed his eyes, letting Tony's words following while he drifted into sleep. Tony didn't move when he felt Gibbs was asleep. He had made a promise and to be perfectly honest he needed to stay close to him almost as much as Gibbs needed him to be.
-I'll stay with you, Jethro. You can sleep now.
Gibbs was now asleep in Tony's arm and the younger man was begining to realize how close he had been to loose him.
He had not been aware of what it would have meant for him. But he was sure now that he would not be able to let him go away from him. His feelings were not really clear but he wanted Gibbs at his side as a friend and maybe more.

-We are going to have some serious talk to do, Jethro. I won't demy that I have had some issues after you told me about your feelings... but i think I understand your choice not to tell me better now...
Tony was now caressing Gibbs' short hair and it was surprisingly relaxing. His vision became suddenly blurry as the tears began to fall.
-Damn, Jethro. I almost lost you. I almost let you go away from me without even realising what you meant to me... What would have I done if he had killed you? Don't you ever scare me like that again...

Tony sighed heavily and placed a soft kiss on Gibbs' hair before lying him back on the couch. He stayed at his side letting him know he was still here... his hand holding Gibbs' hand.

Chapter 10.
Tony's doubts.

Ten minutes later, Tim and Ducky entered the quiet house finding Tony still holding Gibbs' hand and talking softly to him. Ducky couldn't hear what the younger man was saying but he was stunned by the tenderness in Tony's voice and moves.
He didn't know what had happened while they were gone but something had obviously changed between them.
Ducky walked to the couch and placed a hand on Tony's shoulder. The younger man hadn't heard them arrive.

-Hey, Ducky!
-Are you ok, Anthony?
Ducky was worried to see Tony's swollen eyes and he hoped that his friends would both be fine. Tony turned his head back to Gibbs still holding his hand tightly.
-I almost lost him, Ducky and I didn't even say to him how much I cared.
-He knows that you care, Anthony. You will have plenty of time to talk.
-Ducky, Ari tortured him. How could he be fine?
-He will heal with our help...
-You don't understand, Ducky. That bastard told him he had killed me because he cared for me. He showed him fakes pictures...He made him believe I was dead...
-God, I knew this guy was nuts but that...

Ducky was speechless. He knew how much Gibbs loved Tony and it must have been a hell for him to think Tony was dead because of him.
Gibbs began to wake up and Ducky was amazed when Gibbs sat violently screaming Tony's name. The younger man took him in his arms as if it was the most natural thing to do.
-It's ok, Jethro. I'm fine.

Gibbs buried his face in Tony's neck trying to catch his breath. After a few minutes he pulled back and looked up at his friend a shy smile on his lips.
-I'm sorry, Tony. How long did I sleep?
-Almost thirty minutes. You should take the pills Doctor Bates prescribed.
-No, I'll be fine. I just need some time.
Tony looked at him doutfully but he didn't want to push him.
-Ok, Boss. I believe you, for now.
-Thank you so much, Tony.
Tony didn't miss the sarcasm in Gibbs' voice but for once he was relieved to hear him laugh at him. Ducky smiled at the exchange between the two friends.

-Timothy and I have bought some steaks. What about a good meal? You two stay here while we take care of everything. Timothy, you're with me!
McGee hadn'tmoved since they had came back. He had been amazed to witness how Gibbs and Tony seemed to have found each other. He didn't know if they was aware of the waythey shared the same space, the way they found comfort in each other. He knew they woild need time before they could go on with their life after what had happened but he was begining to think it would be for the better.
-Timothy, are you with me?
McGee looked up at Ducky a smile on his face. He realized he may have looked stupid in the middle of the room, a huge smile plastered on his face. But for once he didn't care because he knew that he was among friends.
-Of course, Ducky.
He walked to the kitchen following the ME but he turned back to Tony and Gibbs.
-Just relax, ok? We'll take care of the meal.
-Sure Tim. No problem. I'll keep an eye on Gibbs just to be sure he's not going to move... even if you're burning down the kitchen...
Tim smiled at his new boss and went to the kitchen where Ducky was already at work.

Gibbs had tried to slap Tony at the back on the head but he had been unable to lift his arm without wincing in pain.
-Are you ok, Boss?
-I think that if you ask me this question once more I'm going to slap you no matter the pain...
-Understood Boss. Do you want to sit up a little?
-Yeah, sure Tony ... but I don't think I could manage it on my own...
-I'm here to help. You just have to ask.
-I'm not used to need anyone for such little things....
Tony didn't reply, he didn't need to. He had also felt once or twice that feeeling of helplessness and he understood that Gibbs hated being in need. But Tony would be here for him no matter how hard it may be for the older man.
He helped him sitting up on the couch, adjusting some pillows behind his back.

Tim and ducky had left after dinner and Tony was washing the dishes while Gibbs was savouring his last coffee of the day. They had spent a good time talking about everything but what had happened. Now Tony didn't know how to make Gibbs accept his help. He didn't want to leave him alone but he wasn't sure the older man would accept hm staying the night. He knew what Gibbs would say, he didn't need someone to look after him. He had already heard him use that kind of argument and while washing the plates he was trying to find a way to convince him.

He came back in the living room and found Gibbs asleep on the couch. He placed a ahnd on the older man's shoulder and Gibbs opened his eyes slowly. Tony was relieved that no other nightmare had disturbed his rest.
-Hey, you.
-Hey, Tony. sorry to let you do all the job.
-No problem, Boss. I think it's high time you go to bed.
-Sounds good to me.
Gibbs began to stand up but he landed in Tony's arms.
-Take it easy, Boss.

Tony placed an arm around his waist and helped him walk to his bedroom. Gibbs ahd never found the way to his bedroom so long and he sat on his bed breathing hard. The room was turning around him and he closed his eyes.
-Are you ok?
-Not really but as soon as the room would stop turning around i would be fine.
-You would certainly feel better if you lied down. Let me help you get off these clothes.
Gibbs couldn't help laughing at the younger man's words and Tony gave him a puzzled look.
-Why do you laugh. You are about to pass out and you are laughing at me.
-I'm not laughing at you, Tony. but you have a way of saying things...
-What? You don't want to sleep in those clothes and you can't do that yourself... So here I am...

Gibbs sobered and looked up at the young man in front of him. He had dreamt to bring that man in his bedroom but his plan didn't include the pain he was feeling. Tony sat next to him. It was obvious that the older man not comfortable with the fact that he had to rely on Tony to do simple things as getting his shirt off...
-Hey, Gibbs. You are going to heal fast and soon you would not need me. But for now, you need my help and I'm glad I can be here for you.
-I'm glad you are here too, Tony. don't misunderstand me. But it's pretty hard to have you so close and not have you at the same time...

Tony was not sure to understand what Gibbs wanted to say.
-My feelings haven't changed Tony and I should be far from here... It would be better for everyone...
Tony couldn't believe what Gibbs was saying. How could he think he would be better without him?... Well to be honest, he couldn't really blame the man after what he told him. Tony knew ha had to reassure him. He placed a hand on Gibbs' knee.
-I'm glad to be here and I don't want you to be away from me. I failed you twice in two days and believe me I won't let it happen again...

-You never failed me Tony. I can't let you say that. Everything was my fault. I decided to tell you what I was feeling for you while you were grieving Kate... then I decided it would be better if I faced Ari alone. I wasn't thinking clearly... I should have trusted you on this...
-Let's say that we were both wrong about some things. I was not able to hear or understand what you had to say at that precise moment. But I shouldn't have racted the way I did... Concerning Ari... You had been wrong. I should have been with you, you didn't need to face him alone... I t may have cost you more than broken ribs and some bruises...
-I'm aware of that Tony... Believe me. I had time to think of what may have happened. But what disturbed me the most was that I would die with you angry at me...

Tony sighed heavily. He had realized in two days how much he meant for Gibbs, how much the older man saw in him. He wasn't sure to deserve so much trust especially after the way he had reacted after Gibbs' confession. But he could still he could see this trust and this love in Gibbs' eyes right now. Gibbs was good at hiding his feelings but Tony was now able to see behind the mask. And he couldn't help the shiver running down his spine each time Gibbs was looking at him.
-You are wrong, Boss. I'm not angry at you...
-Maybe not now but you were and I can understand that...
-I wasn't really angry... Or maybe... Five minutes... I felt surprised, betrayed but mostly I felt stupid....

Gibbs frowned, he had never thought of him as someone stupid.
-What an investigator was I if I was unable to see what you were feeling for me. We've worked side by side for three years and never suspected anything. You've always been so professional...
-Not always, Tony. but I never showed it. Every time you were on the field, risking your life I was scared. But the only thing I could do was to be there and taught you how to survive... But lately it had became harder for me to hide behind the job.
-Why now? After three years? What had changed?
-First... you went missing while following a suspect... When we found you in that sewer...

Gibbs closed his eyes at the memory. He had been scared to never find him.
-I wasn't really in danger and I knew you would find me...
-Then you went on an undercover mission chained to a guy who was a serial killer... I acted like I was sure you were safe but I've never been so afraid to lose you. Even Kate saw it this time. And of course your encounter with a mortal virus... This time i couldn't even go to the hospital... I couldn't see you in that bed...
-But you were trying to find that psycho...?
-Of course but I was as always hiding behind my work... I was trying not to think about what would happen if I failed.... When I finally found the courage to go and see you, the only thing I could do was slap you at the back of your head...
-It was the only thing I needed. You ordered me to stay alive and it's all I needed to hear to be able to fight...
-That's what the boss had to do but this day I didn't want to be a boss for you... I wanted to take you in my arms and feel you were still here...I wanted to tell you that you were going to be fine.

Gibbs couldn't look at Tony. even if the younger man knew about his feelings he was not used to talking about himself so openly.
-I'm sorry, Tony. You don't need me to remind you of bad memories...
-I never thought it had been so hard for you. But I never lost hope. Because you were the one who had always been there for me. I knew you would find a way... like you always had.
-You are giving me too much credit here, Tony. you had escaped the sewer even before we found you. You had already killed the bastard when I arrived and you beated the Y-Pestis alone because there was no cure...

Tony placed a hand on Gibbs' hands and realized the older man was shaking.
-Yeah, I may have done some things alone but I've been able to do it because of you. Because I knew that you would be angry at me if I didn't try.
Tony squeezed his friend's hands while speaking. He didn't really knolw where this discussion would lead them but some things needed to be heard and said.
-I never realized how much I wanted to impress you, to try to become the man you wanted me to be. And when you left I missed you... Let me finish...
Tony had not released Gibbs' hands but now the older man was looking at him. He could feel the warmth of his eyes on him.
-Promise I won't interrupt you.
-That would be a first...!

Gibbs kept his mouth shut but a light smile appeared on his face.
-Ok... Well... It's hard to explain. When you left, I felt like I lost more than a co-worker. I told myself that after three years it was usual to become friends. I knew that we'd become close but when Morrow told us you were missing I realized imediatly that something was wrong. You would never have missed this appointment.
Tony stopped talking and looked at Gibbs. The older man's blue eyes were still locked on him.

-From that moment I tried to think that you were only late or that you had only chnaged your mind. But then we found that blood in your basement, your car parked in the middle of nowhere... I didn't want to analyse what I felt, I didn't have time for that... I had to find you. I couldn't think you were perhaps dead... I knew Ari was the one behind your abduction but I couldn't believe the worst had happened...

Tony had more and more difficulties to speak. It had taken himosme time to come to the realisation of what his reactions after what Gibbs had told him meant. And he was not sure to be ready to face it now. But the only thing he knew now was that he had to talk to Gibbs. It was the only way he would be able to make him stay.
-I belived it was only concern for a friend but I was more than scared and when I saw you on the ground... I don't remember the last time I prayed but the only thing I could think about while running to you was "Please God. Tell me he is still alive. Tell me it's not too late.."


Tony hadn't realized he was crying but a tear fell on his hand. Gibbs had not moved or talked but he was sure what to do now. When he spoke, his voice was only a whisper as if he was afraid. He didn't know what those tears meant.
-Too late for what, Tony?
-I thought Ari had killed you and that I would never be able to tell you...
-You can tell me now. I'm here Tony.
-I can't because I don't know what I want to tell you. I felt so lost and I couldn't explain why.
-You were confused by what I told you and you must have felt guilty. I know how you can be in moments like that. You were under a lot of pressure being the new boss... it's not unusual, Tony.

Tony was amazed by the older man's reaction. Gibbs was trying to explain the situation but it was not really what he needed to hear. He wanted Gibbs to tell him what he had to do with that unknown feeling.
-You don't understand. It was not another case for me. It was you and I was not here for you.
-Tony you are exhausted. I'm sure you would see it with new eyes after a good night sleep. I promise we are going to talk about it but we both had a hard day...
-Yeah you must be right, Boss.
Tony got up and faced Gibbs. This man was amazing, a minute he seemed about to break down and a moment later he was almost jumping up and down.
-So, do you need help?
-I thought I heard youtalk about getting my clothes off. I think I could use some help for that.

Tony gave him a little smile and walked back to the bed. He helped Gibbs taking his shirt and pants off and minutes later the older man was lying on soft pillows.
-Here you are! Do you need me to read you a fairy tale?
-I may need a beautiful story to avoid nightmares.
-I would be here if you have bad dreams.
-Thanks, Tony.
Gibbs closed his eyes drifting slowly into sleep. Tony put a blanket on him and stayed beside the bed looking at him. The older man seemed relaxed and Tony took a chair and sat next to the bed. Tony was not aware of his own tiredness but he was soon asleep. He knew that sleeping on a chair was not really a good idea but he didn't want Gibbs to stay alone especially tonight.

Chapter 11.
When he opened his eyes.

Tony didn't know what had awakened him but it was still dark when he opened his eyes. He searched the room what he had heard or sensed but the room was still dark and quiet. Gibbs seemed to be still asleep and Tony took a moment to stretch his arms and legs.
He knew that the house had a guest room but the couch would be good enough for him to spend the rest of the night.

He was about to exit the room when he heard a moan coming from the bed. Even if Gibbs was asleep, Tony realized that the older man was not having a restful sleep. The younger agent walked back to the bed. He didn't know what he had to do now. But he couldn't stay like that when his friend was visibly having a bad dream.

He took Gibbs' hand in his right hand, placing the left one on his forehead. Tony winced at the warmth he felt. The older man was running a fever but the first thing he had to do was to wake him up. Gibbs was becoming more and more agitated and sweat was flowing down his temples. Tony moved his hand to Gibbs' shoulder shaking him lightly.

-Boss, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Gibbs moved to his right still holding Tony's hand in his own but he didn't open his eyes.
-Don't leave me.
Tony didn't know to whom he was talking to but Gibbs voice was tensed, almost pleading.
-I'm not going anywhere, Jethro. But you have to open your eyes.
-I'm sorry…I'm so sorry.
The older man was sobbing softly now and Tony didn't hesitate any longer and took him in his arms. He wasn't sure it was exactly what Gibbs needed but he had to comfort him, to show him he was here for him.

-It's ok, Boss. You have nothing to be sorry about. It's just a dream. Come back to me.
Gibbs had rested his head on Tony's shoulder and the younger man could feel the wetness of his friend's tears on his shirt. Gibbs was not calming down, still crying in his arms.
-Wake up, Boss. It's only a dream.
Tony was softly caressing Gibbs' hair, rubbing his back. He didn't know what else he could do. They stayed like that for long minutes before Gibbs sobs eased and Tony felt the body against his relax. The older man had not wakened up and he didn't move when Tony eased him down on the pillows.

The dream was now over but Tony didn't want to leave him alone and he decided to lie down on the free side of the bed. He listened to Gibbs' breath for long minutes to be sure he was fine. He slowly drifted back into sleep hoping that nothing would disturb Gibbs' rest.

The next time Tony opened his eyes, the sun was enlightening the room. He tried to move but he soon realized that during the night Gibbs had found his place cuddled against his side, his head rested on his chest. He needed to rest and if he was comfortable like that Tony would do nothing to disturb him.

To be honest, Tony didn't mind having him so close. It felt good to see him so relaxed and he began to relax himself, savoring the warmth of Gibbs' body against his. It was a new experience for him to wake up with a man in his bed and he would never have guessed that the first one would be Leroy Jethro Gibbs. The same man who had only two days before confessed that he was in love with him. He had reacted pretty badly…But he had had time to think about it, about what Gibbs' love meant to him and what he really felt about it.

And now he was there in Gibbs' bed with this man in his arms and he couldn't help feeling it was where he was meant to be…where he belonged. He wanted to be with him, to help going through this ordeal. He would need more time to know if he wanted more but they would have to talk about it…

The younger was still lost in his thoughts when he felt Gibbs move. Tony knew he was waking up and he didn't know how he would react with him so close. After their argument, Gibbs had kept him at arm's length, avoiding any physical contact. He had been very careful and Tony couldn't help feeling guilty.
Gibbs needed to be reassured and because of the way he had rejected him, Gibbs would not allow him to help. If only he could have taken time to think before so angrily pushing him away.

Tony placed a gentle hand on Gibbs' back but the reaction of the older man was not the one he would have expected. As soon as he realized he was cuddled in Tony's arms, Gibbs tried to get away from his hold. But he was still too weak to attempt such move and he landed on the floor on the other side of the bed.
-Are you ok, Boss?
Tony began to worry when he received no answer from Gibbs. He hurried at is friend's side hoping that he had not injured himself. He knelt beside Gibbs who had sat his back on the side of the bed.

-Could you explain what you were trying to do?
-I'm not sure myself, Tony but you were…I was…
-I see… good explanation!
Tony smiled at him. He didn't want him to feel guilty about the fact he had felt the need to be close to him. The younger man sat beside him.
-Let me try to explain what I think had just happened and why I think there was no need for such reaction.
-I'm listening to you, Tony. How would you interpret this mess?

Tony didn't miss the sad tone in his friend's voice.
-You had a pretty bad night. You may not remember but you had a nightmare earlier.
-You spent the night here?
-Yeah, I didn't want you to be alone. You've been through hell and I thought it would help you …
-Thanks, Tony.
-So, after the first alert I decided to stay here but a chair is not my favorite place to sleep. The bed was welcoming.
-So you didn't resist.
-I must confess I was tired. The last day had been tough.
-I'm sorry, Tony.
-It was not your fault. Do I need to remind you it was you the victim?

Gibbs winced doubtfully. He had still difficulties to see himself as a victim; it felt more as if he had been at the beginning of everything and he could help thinking he had deserved what had happened to him after Kate's death. Tony sensed Gibbs tense and looked at him.
-Now, you are going to listen carefully to me, Boss. You are not responsible for anything. Kate died because Ari pulled the trigger. You had been abducted because he wanted you to suffer. And don't begin to imagine it was some kind of punishment…

Gibbs lowered his eyes. He didn't want Tony to see how much he was moved by his words. He had not been aware of how much he needed to hear them before hearing Tony say them. Tony guessed that the older man was not used to showing his emotions and he decided to change the subject.

-Let's get back to my explanation. Since you told me about your feelings you began to avoid me, to keep me at arm's length. Well, I can't blame you…So, when you realized you had kin of drifted in your sleep, you were afraid that I would think…I don't really know what you thought but the most important is that you were wrong…
-About what? About what I think you thought I was thinking…?
-Yes…! No…! I was fine with the cuddling thing. It was good to have you with me after what happened.

Gibbs looked down at his hands realizing they were shaking. But it didn't really matter; the only thing he wanted to concentrate on was Tony's last words. He didn't want to hear Tony explain he was good with that because they were still friends. Being friend would never be enough for him. In the last days, he had realized he needed more than Tony's friendship and if it was what the younger man was about to offer him he'd prefer leaving.

-Tony, I know what you feel. You are relieved that I'm not dead. In all honesty I'm glad you felt that way…
-You don't understand. Waking up with you in my arms… I don't know how to explain that but it felt like it was where I belonged…
Tony had not taken his eyes off him while speaking but Gibbs hadn't looked up at him. Tony knew he had not believed one word of what he had just said. It was time to be convincing and the only way to do that was to face what he truly felt for this man.

It was hard for him to face the fact that he was probably in love with a man. He was 35 and he had never felt attracted to men before. But it was different with Gibbs form the beginning. It was a step he needed to take not only for Gibbs for also for himself.
For the first time in years, he was about to express what he was feeling in front of someone he loved.

He had never felt so nervous before. It had always been easy for him to seduce but it was definitely something else with Gibbs. First because he was a man, second because he was his former boss… but mostly because he cared a lot about him.
The older man had been through hell in the last three days and not only because of Ari Haswari but mostly because of him. Tony took Gibbs' hands, squeezing them gently.

-Could you look at me, Jethro? Please.
Gibbs fought hard not to stand up and run away. He had been scared of loosing this man but now he was afraid at the thought of what he was about to say.
When he looked up he found himself lost in Tony's hazel eyes fixed on him. How many times had he wished to have Tony look at him like that?
Tony placed his right hand on Gibbs' cheek. The older man closed his eyes leaning in the soft contact of Tony's palm on his skin.

-I hadn't realized what it really meant to you when you said you loved me. The main reason for that was that I never let anyone love me before. I couldn't afford it. There is too much to loose when you love someone. My father taught me it was a weakness to love and you know I'm a fast learner.

Gibbs was aware that Tony was giving a true gift. The younger man had never talked about his family before but Gibbs understood the reasons of that silence as he read the pain in his friend's eyes. Gibbs wanted to tell him he didn't need to do that, he didn't need to explain why he had rejected him but the younger man went on softly.

-I've never let anyone come too close to me. I never allowed myself to feel what a true love means. And when you told me about your feelings I was unable to accept them. It was impossible that someone should feel so much for me.
Tony sighed heavily.
-When I realized Ari had abducted you and that he intended to kill you…God… I never felt so helpless, so lost. It was so painful to even think about the possibility that you should be hurt or worse…
-Tony, I'm sorry…
-Please, stop apologizing, Gibbs. It was not your fault, only mine. I'd rejected the only person who had ever loved me and I've never been so afraid to loose someone; I couldn't stand it, Jethro. I had to find you, to keep you with safe with me. I'm not quite sure what it really means but what I know is that I don't want to feel that kind of pain again.

They were still on the floor and even if Gibbs was happy to have Tony so close to him, he was beginning to feel the pain in his back and ribs. His abused body didn't really like the coldness and he was aching for his bed.
-Tony?
The younger man had closed his eyes and Gibbs could see on his face that the last days had exhausted him. If only he could wash away the pain, the loss they both felt. But Gibbs was unable to deal with his own problems. How could he help Tony? He sighed realizing that Tony would need much than what he had to offer for now. Tony slowly opened his eyes looking with concern at the man beside him.

-Are you ok, Boss?
Gibbs smiled at him. He had always been amazed by the way the younger man had always been able to read his thoughts. He had been proud to be able to hide his emotions from anyone. It's sometimes a question of self preservation when you are gay. But Tony had always found a way to see through the mask.

-What?
-Nothing Tony. I was just thinking you were the only one who could read me like an open book. I wish I had been able to do the same with you. It would have avoided you being hurt.
-You didn't hurt me saying what you said but… well the fact that you fled from me and kept me away … it was pretty hard. But we would have time to talk about it later. The most important thing you have to worry about now is to rest and heal. I'll take care of you… So what can I do for you, Sir?
-Don't "Sir" me, Tony. I'm out of it.
-That's fine for me. Let me help you climb on that bed. You look like someone who could use some more sleep.
-You see! I begin to think you are a mind reader.
-Only with you, Jethro.

Gibbs could see how serious Tony was saying those words and he felt a comforting warmth spreading through his aching body. Even if he didn't dare to hope that one day Tony would love him back, he was glad to have somehow regained his friendship. He had not realized before how much he had missed it.
Tony helped him up but the fast move was too much for him and he landed in Tony's arms trying to catch his breath.

-I'm sorry, Tony. I just need a minute there.
-No problem, Boss. We're going to do this at your rhythm. Tell me when you're ready.
Gibbs tried to raise his head but the room began to spin around. He felt suddenly dizzy and realized he was falling when he felt Tony's arms around his waist.
-I've got you, Boss.
Tony took the older man in his arms and carried him to his bed. Gibbs' face was pale now and Tony's worry grew when he saw the obvious pain his friend was in.

-I'm going to give your pills for the pain.
-I just need to rest for one or two days and after I will be fine and ready to go back to work.
Tony realized that the last events hadn't made him change his mind about his transfer. The young man had somehow hoped he would reconsider it now. He had forgotten how stubborn the man could be.
-I'm not a doctor but I can say by the way you look that two days wouldn't be enough.
-What's wrong with the way I look?

Tony was amused by the pretended hurtful look Gibbs was giving him. It was new for them to feel free to joke like that. And the least he could say was that it felt good and easy to act as friends. Tony realized he had not answered and was still openly staring at the man in front of him.
-It was not a trap, Tony. I know I must look like shit right now.
Tony walked to the bed and sat beside him. He was unable to talk, afraid to say the wrong thing in the wrong way.

-You're beginning to scare me Tony. You seem so serious suddenly. Tell me what's wrong?
Tony took a moment to gather his thoughts and build a meaningful sentence.
-I was only thinking that I didn't want you to go away from me. Not now that I have you safe here with me.
Gibbs frowned still looking at him.
-I'm sorry to tell you that Tony but it's not your decision to take. The way I feel for you doesn't mean you have something to say about the choices I've made.

The older man didn't sound angry, he was only stating facts. Tony knew he was right but the feeling that Gibbs belonged there with him was even stronger now.
-I know but you are home here and I don't talk only about the house. I mean you have your job, this place…
-They are not who I am.
-So tell me Gibbs. What makes you who you are?
It was a hard question to answer and Gibbs didn't know if the answer even existed. He doubted there could be something which could explain what his life was made of.
-Explain me what makes you go on, Gibbs?

Tony was pushing him and Gibbs could feel his eyes trying to see through him, trying to guess what he was really thinking. He couldn't begin to answer because he was not sure Tony wanted to hear what he had to say. Tony didn't want to know the only thing that had made him able to go on after his three failed weddings, his retirement from the Marine and so many losses had been him… Anthony Michael Dinozzo.

From the time he had hired him he had begun to change. Only Ducky had noticed the slight changes in his old friend. The ME had told him it was good to see him smile so often.
Tony was still looking at him concerned by the absent look on his friend's face. The older man seemed far away from here, lost in some memories.

In many ways, Tony realized he was only beginning to learn who Gibbs really was. They had worked side by side for years he had never guessed how much this man was hiding from him. The new agent he had been had tried to solve the mystery who was Gibbs. But he had only learnt what the older man had been willing to give him.
Today he was able to see the real Gibbs; he could see the pain, the losses even if he was still trying to hide.

As he was there sat on Gibbs' bed, trying to make the man speak about himself, Tony realized that it would be impossible for him to let this man go. Even if he was still not sure he would one day be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved, he was sure he wanted to be a part of his life and make him a part of his.

Now he had admitted it to himself, the hard part would be to make Gibbs accept it. After their argument and the way Tony had reacted to Gibbs' confession it would be hard to make him believe that he had finally come to terms with his own feelings. He had to find a way to tell him how much he cared. But it was definitely not the right time.

Gibbs was still weak after his face to face with the terrorist and the emotional weight of the last days could still be visible on Gibbs' tensed face.
-I guess I would have to wait for my answer…
Tony smiled at Gibbs trying to enlighten the mood of the man and was relieved when he received a slight smile in return.
-I'm going to let you sleep for now. I will call Ducky to see if he could come tonight….only to be sure you are fine.

Gibbs winced but he didn't object. He was aware of the weakness in his muscles and the blur his brain seemed to be glued in.
-I'm sure I'm fine but if it could make you be less mother hen.
-I'm not other henning you!
-Sure Tony if you say so… so you slept half the night on a chair because…?
-Hey, I was just sitting there until you fall asleep and I fall asleep before I realize it…
-Ok and you took a week off because you wanted to go fishing.
-I want to be there for you but I don't want to be your mother. You don't have to name it but if you need to use a word to explain why I'm here you could say care, friendship…love…
Even if the last word was said in a whisper… it was ringing in Gibbs' ears…

Tony knew his message had been received loud and clear and that Gibbs needed time to process.
-Try to sleep. I'll wake you for lunch and your pills.
-Sure, Tony.
Tony exited the room relieved that Gibbs had not yelled at him. He wanted to see it as a good sign. Even if things were not in order yet, they were on the good way and for the first time in days Tony dared to hope…

Chapter 12.
Learning…

Tony had finished preparing lunch when he sensed more than heard Gibbs come in. The older man had always liked scaring him standing behind him when Tony was not expecting him. The man must have been a cat in another life but Tony had developed a new ability to avoid Gibbs taking him by surprise.

He had learnt to "sense" him. He could not explain how it worked but he had noticed that every time Gibbs was near him, there was a slight change in the air, like a vibration…something like that. Now the younger man was "hyper" aware of Gibbs presence near him. He liked playing with that and doing as if he did not know the man was there. He had learnt, in his years as a cop, that it was sometimes clever to pretend not to know.

-Slept well?
Tony hadn't turned but he could almost see the smile on Gibbs' face. Finally, putting down his toast, he faced his friend. He had been right…maybe Gibbs had not been far from the truth when he had called him a mind reader…even if, himself he would have said he was a Gibbs-reader.

He stayed there watching Gibbs' face warmed up as he was drinking his first coffee. The older man was savoring coffee as if it was the most expensive liquor. Tony could read every emotions passing in those blue eyes: tiredness first but there was also something he had never witnessed before. He had difficulties to describe what it was…some kind of peace maybe…as if he had finally taken a hard decision.

-What?
Tony had been starring at him once more but he couldn't help it. He liked trying to guess what was happening behind those blue eyes.
-Nothing, Boss. I guess you appreciated the coffee…
-Yeah, the first one is always the best one of the day but I'm only able to think straight after the second one…
-Ok, so let me give you your second shoot!
Tony served him a second mug of the bitter stuff he called coffee.

-Thanks, "Boss"!
That smile again…the way his eyes shined…Tony realized that he could easily get used to that. It was new for him but he really liked seeing Gibbs' smile. Not the grin he sometimes managed at work or the ones he used with victims or children. Tony had named them as "work-related-smiles".
But this one was a true, warm and sexy as hell smile… Where did it come from? It was the first time he had used Gibbs and sexy in the same sentence. He really had some thinking to do…face to face with himself.

Gibbs was oblivion to the younger man's torments because he was trying hard not to look up at him. He knew he wouldn't be able to stay close to him for long without being allowed to touch him. And he was well aware that even if Tony didn't seem to be tensed or unease with him, it was obvious that he couldn't hope for more.

Tony had realized that Gibbs' smile had faded and he couldn't help wondering where his friend sudden sadness came from. He knew Gibbs had been hurt by his rejection and he could still see the pain his eyes had reflected at that moment.
The older man was starring absently in his mug lost in his memories. Tony walked next to him and sat there looking at his former boss waiting for him to raise his head.

Gibbs could feel Tony's eyes on him. It was not the first time since he had found him in that forest. He knew too well, what Tony was waiting for and he wanted nothing more than giving it to him. It would be too easy, even too comfortable for him to break the barriers he had himself built.
He wanted nothing more than trust completely the younger man and give himself openly heart and soul. But he had once tried and he could still feel the pain as Tony had looked at him with what he had recognized as disgust.

He wasn't ready to try his chance again and he would need time before being able to open to someone again. His coffee was cold when he heard Tony sigh beside him. He didn't dare to move and the tension rose in his muscles.
-I really hurt you, didn't I?

It was not a question, more a statement. Gibbs couldn't answer. He couldn't even think about something to say that wouldn't be a lie.
-You are going to avoid looking at me for the next week? I know you can't forgive me…Hell! I can't forgive myself. I wish I could erase that discussion and the pain I caused…
Tony could feel the tension in his friend's shoulders. His knuckles were white around the mug.
-I know that saying it won't change anything but I'm truly sorry…

The younger man's voice was filled with tension and anger. He had never seen Gibbs so passive. He would have felt better in front of his boss yelling at him. But he could stand that…
-What do you want Gibbs? You tell me…The only thing you have to do is speak… Talk to me or… I don't know…. Hit me….shoot me if you like… But please don't stay like that on your chair…

Tony began to push him. He knew Gibbs would react to this aggression. He could hide his emotions but he had been trained to defend himself. Tony pulled him up grabbing his shirt. He was about to pull back when he saw tears in Gibbs' eyes.

But before he could do anything, he found himself back against the fridge. Gibbs' lips were on his. The older man was weak because of his injuries but Tony realized he couldn't move. Gibbs had taken the control and even if this reaction had not been expected, he was glad Gibbs had not chosen one of the options he had given him.
The kiss was not aggressive but Tony's brain was unable to decide what to do.

Gibbs realized suddenly what he was doing and pulled back breathing hard. What had he done? A minute before he was staring at his coffee and now he had assaulted Tony… the man he pretended to love.
-Tony, I'm sorry… I …
Gibbs had released his hold and Tony began to come on Earth.
-You should leave me alone…I …

The older man was swaying dangerously and Tony was obliged to catch. He helped him to walk to the couch. Gibbs was trying to avoid Tony's eyes, murmuring to himself.
-What have I done? … God…Tony… So sorry.
Tony knew that Gibbs was going into shock. He took his cell and dialed Ducky's number. While he was waiting for the ME, Gibbs had closed his eyes. His murmurs were now not loud enough for him to hear. Tony put a hand on his forehead trying to reassure him. Gibbs didn't seem to notice, still staring at nothing.
-Ducky, hurry up!

Tony was wondering if he shouldn't bring him directly to the hospital but Ducky interrupted his thoughts.
-Doctor Mallard!
-Ducky, it's Tony!
-What's wrong?
Tony was amazed by the way Ducky could sometimes go straight to the fact when he could lose himself in never ending stories at other moments.
-It's Gibbs. He is going into shock and I don't know what to do.
-What happened?
-Well…we were talking … I was talking.
-Anthony! What happened?
-He kissed me.

For a long moment, there was only silence between the two men. Tony knew that Ducky was trying to figure how he should ask the following question. The ME had been the helpless witness of their argument.
-What did you do?
-I didn't hit him if that's what you are insinuating…
-Sorry Anthony. I didn't mean to hurt you. But I need to know exactly what made him react this way.
-I know Ducky but honestly I didn't do anything. I was too surprised to do anything.
-I see he must have assumed that he had done a huge mistake…Anthony I will be here in ten minutes.
-What can I do, Ducky? He is scaring me… He is conscious but he seems so far away.
-He is Anthony. He had to find a safe place but he is not in danger. Keep him warm and stay at his side.
-Ok, Ducky. Just hurry up, please.

Ducky didn't reply before hanging up. Tony put a blanket on his friend. Gibbs was still hidden in the safety of his mind. Tony would never have expected him to react this way. He had tried to make him yell or fight but the kiss had been surprising. He had told ducky he had been too amazed to react but it was not true.
The surprise had been the first feeling but then, after the first shock of being kissed by his boss, he would have been able to push him. What was disturbing him was that he had not and the reason why he had not was that… God help him… he had liked it.

He had loved feeling him so close, feeling his weight pressing against him. He had been kissed before but Gibbs' kiss had been filled with what made him the man he was: his strength, his faith, his anger too. But Tony had felt so much more: his despair, his need and his love…
Tony was lost in his thoughts and he had not heard Ducky enter the room. He felt a hand on his arm and raised his head from Gibbs realizing for the first time that tears caused the fog in front of his eyes.

-He will be fine, Anthony. He needs to rest and some time to clear his mind.
-It's my fault Ducky. I had not realized what I meant to him when he told me about his feelings. I was so blind … I didn't know…
Tony was now crying unable to calm down enough to make a coherent sentence. Ducky sat next to Gibbs checking his vitals.

-What do you mean?
-Bring him back to me, Ducky!
At those words, the ME looked up at Tony. This simple declaration had been made in a whisper but Ducky had plainly understood what was hidden behind the words. He could now see the pain in Tony's eyes… The pain for having hurt a friend and realizing now you were wrong.
"Blind" had been his word and ducky knew he was not talking about Gibbs' feelings but his own.
-I will bring him back. But it would take some time for him to see how much you care…
-I've been so wrong, Ducky. How could I've not known?
-Sometimes it's hard to see what is in front of you. But you see it now, that's all matters.
-I hope it's not too late, Ducky.

The ME would have liked to tell him it was not too late and that Gibbs would listen to him. But Tony didn't need a lie.
-I don't know… I wish I could say otherwise.
-I understand, Ducky. Just take care of him for a minute. I need fresh air.
Tony stood up and walked to the door.
-Don't be too long. I don't want to explain him you just left for a walk.
-Sure. Give me five minutes. I'll be back before he wakes up.

Ducky nodded watching Tony slowly exiting the house. He couldn't blame him to be shaken by the last events. In three days, he had seen a friend being shot; his boss had confessed he had been in love with him for years just before leaving the town and being abducted by a terrorist who had left him in a forest. Now he had realized that what he had taken for a deep friendship was in fact love.
Ducky smiled at the thoughts of the numerous dates Tony had had in the last years. He doubted the younger man had once been attracted to a man before but here he was…

The ME looked down at Gibbs who was now asleep. He didn't know how it would end between the two men but he could only hope it would be for the best. They were both strong and stubborn but sometimes it's not enough and he was not sure they would be able to make the effort to make it work. He doubted that Gibbs would be able to trust Tony enough to let him in. Tony would have to be persuasive to go through the heavy doors he had himself shut.

Ducky was brought out of his thoughts by a moan from Gibbs. His friend was becoming agitated and the ME knew he would soon awake.
-It's ok, Jethro. Go back to sleep.
Ducky looked at the windows hoping that Tony would not be long. He had to be here when Gibbs would open his eyes otherwise it would be hard to make Gibbs believe he had not fled because of the kiss they had exchanged.

-So sorry…
Ducky placed his hands on Gibbs' shoulders trying to calm him down but Gibbs sat up violently.
-Tony!
-Right here, Boss!
Ducky had not heard him come in but he was reassured to see the younger man at his side. The ME stood up to let Tony come closer. Gibbs didn't seem to have noticed his presence but when he saw Tony, he began to relax.
-It's ok, Boss. I'm here.

Gibbs shook his head as if he wanted to deny Tony's statement. The older man didn't seem to trust his eyes so Tony sat next to him taking his friend in his arms. He knew that words would not be enough so he let his acts talk for him.
Gibbs tried to resist at first but he had no strength left to fight his own needs. He needed it so much it was painful.

-I won't let you down this time. We are going to go through this together.
Tony's words were a sweet whisper at Gibbs' ears and he let the melodious voice rock him to sleep.
-That's it Jethro. Just relax and go back to sleep. We'll talk later I promise. I have some important things to confess.
Tony knew that the man in his arms was now asleep but he didn't want to let him go…not yet. It seemed to be the most natural thing as if it was where Gibbs was meant to be. Tony softly kissed Gibbs' hair before easing him back on the couch.

Ducky was still observing the two men and he could see now what he had probably refused to see before. He had known about Gibbs' feelings for a long time and it had become easy to read the signs. But he was now allowed to see them in Tony's behaviour too. The way he had taken Gibbs in his arms as if he had guessed without asking that was what Gibbs needed.
Tony was still on the couch looking at a now sleeping Gibbs holding his hand. He didn't want to break the contact.

-I love him, Ducky. I think I've known it for a long time without having the guts to admit it even to myself.
Ducky sat on a chair. He knew Tony needed to talk. There would be a time for advices and maybe one or two stories but not now. The ME listened to his friend.

-I never thought I'd be attracted to another man. But I've never felt anything like that before for any of the women I went out with. I need him; I need to be close to him… Hell! I was outside for 2 minutes and I couldn't help worrying about him waking up before I came back. I would never have guessed I would feel these kinds of feelings for another man especially Gibbs but…
-But they are real, Anthony…
-Yeah! I felt it when I found him in the woods and realized he was alive, when the doctor told us he would be fine…But when he kissed me…it became obvious that I wanted it as much as him… It felt right and all I'm asking for now is that he could love me enough to give us a chance, to allow me to love him back.

Ducky could hear a faint glimpse of hope in Tony's voice but he could tell by the way he was looking at Gibbs that he didn't think he deserved this second chance. The ME was aware that Tony wouldn't be strong enough to fight for what he really wanted and he doubted that Gibbs would make the step. They were both alone and lost in their grief and pain and it would be a long way for them to make things work between them.

-Anthony, I don't know if Jethro would be able to take the first step. But I'm sure he loves you. He would never make something that could hurt you.
-I know that Ducky even if it took me time to realize it. And believe I would anything that could make him feel better… I won't hurt him again.
-You didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure he knows you didn't mean to hurt him.
-Yeah, he told me so but it doesn't change the fact that I pushed away and it almost ended in him being killed by Ari. I can't help thinking it would not have turned so wrong if I had not reacted so badly.
-You can't say that. Ari was after him and nothing could have prevented what happened. That sick-head would have found another way to reach him. With or without your help, Jethro would have put his life in the line to catch him… even if it meant loosing everything he had made a lifetime to build…
-You think he had decided to leave DC to make Ari fall in a trap. Isn't it a bit tortuous even for Gibbs?
-Not if you think his worst fear was that one of you could be the next victim, especially you. It'd have killed him if you had been hurt or worse because of what he still consider as his personal failure.

Tony gave Ducky a puzzled look. He knew Gibbs and Ari had developed a weird relationship he couldn't really understand but he couldn't how all this mess could be Gibbs' fault.
-Jethro had had the opportunity to kill him in my lab a year ago. But he had been unable to kill him in cold blood.
-Ok, Ducky. If I understand what you are trying to say, Gibbs thinks that if he had killed Ari, Kate would be still with us… he is blaming himself because he let him live.
-That's it. And to be honest your reaction had given him the perfect excuse to make his plan work.

Tony looked down at Gibbs who was still sleeping. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand as the other was still enchased in Gibbs'. He had thought he had been the only one responsible for Gibbs' choice to leave his job, his friends.
He had been blinded by his anger and he had not realized it was the only way Gibbs had found to make Ari react and try something.
It may have worked with the proper back up. Instead of that, Gibbs had been hurt and they were now both dealing with many emotions they had not the strength to deal with.

-You should probably rest, Anthony. You look pretty exhausted and Jethro would sleep for an hour or two.
Tony knew his friend was right but he couldn't let Gibbs alone. He had seen how shaken he had been when he had waken up. Ducky saw his friend hesitate.
-You can stay here. Just take a nap in the sofa next to him. I'm going to prepare something to eat. I think you didn't take the time to have a real breakfast.
Tony nodded and reluctantly let Gibbs' hand go. He sat on the sofa next to Gibbs. He couldn't take his eyes away from his boss as if blinking would have made him disappear. He had feared he would never see him again. It had been scared to death to think that he would never have a chance to tell him how he regretted what he had said and done.

He didn't know how to call what he was feeling but that was more than respect or friendship. And now he had brought him back, Gibbs seemed to be too hurt to hear him or believe what he had to say.
Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't realized Ducky had left the living room. It only took him a couple of minutes to fall asleep.

Chapter 13.
True love can hurt.

Tony was awaken an hour later when Gibss began to move next to him. He straightened in the sofa and looked at his friend worried that he could have had a bad dream once again. But the older man slowly opened his eyes and Tony was glad that nothing had come to disturb his rest.

Gibbs didn't realize at first where he was but when he recognized his living room he wondered why the hell he had fallen asleep on his couch in the middle of the day. He had the disturbing feeling that something had turned wrong. But it wouldn't have surprised him because lately things had a tendacy to turn to the worse.

He sensed someone observing him. Tony of course. In the last days, the younger man had stayed him helping him going through what had happened with Ari. Even if he didn't want to see in that interest more than it probably meant, it was comforting to know Tony cared. With that reassuring thought, Gibbs' brain slowly awoke pushing his first sensation away.

That's when he began to remember why he was on his couch and what had led him there. The nausea threatened to make his stomach revulse at the thought of what he had done. He had kissed Tony. They were talking and he had assaulted him. He had kissed him when he knew that the younger man didn't want it… the man he pretended to love…he had taken what he had not been allowed to take.

Tony saw Gibbs tensed and he realized that the older man was thinking about what had happened. Gibbs was breathing hard and Tony knew he had to reassure him. He stood and came closer to him kneeling next to the couch. Gibbs had not opened his eyes and when he felt Tony beside him he tensed even more.

-Boss, open your eyes!
Tony's voice was soft and Gibbs couldn't hear any kind of reproach or anger in it. But he couldn't face him. He had only once seen what Tony thought about the feeling he had for him and he was unable to think of what the younger man was now thinking….God! How could he have done that?

-Jethro, look at me please.
Gibbs needed now more concentration to breath. He managed to swallow and take a gulp of air.
-Can't … Tony…
Tony placed a hand on his forehead trying to make him calm down but the knew he would be unable to help gibbs deal with the panic he was now feeling. He was the one who had caused his friend's anguish. Gibbs was now fighting to bring enough oxygen into his lungs.

-Ducky! Come here!
Tony looked at the kitchen door knowing that the ME wouldn't be long. As he saw his friend coming he turned his attention back to Gibbs who was now almost unconscious.
-Ok, Boss. I know you must be a little confused but you have to calm down and try to breath slowly… Ducky is here…
The ME hadn't wasted time and had already prepared a syringue with a sedative. Tony raised his hand to tell him to wait.
-Ducky can give you a sedative to help you but I'm sure you can do that without a chemical help. Do you think you can do that for me? Jethro, come back to me.

Gibbs seemed to hear him and Tony was reassured when the older took longer breath. The older man was still unable to talk but he managed a weak nod.
-Good, I was sure you would make the right choice. Now I need you to concentrate on my voice. Listen carefully to what I'm going to say. Can you do that Jethro?
Ducky saw Gibbs tensed and he was about to do what his formation as a doctor was telling him. But Gibbs took back the control of his breath and nodded to Tony his eyes still closed.
-You're doing good, Boss.

Gibbs was still trying to concentrate on Tony's voice as if it was his last to consciousness. He wasn't sure he would be able to stand what Tony had to say but he knew he would have to hear it sooner or later. So let's face it now…for the second time.

-I know you are thinking of what happened in the kitchen. And I know you ar eblaming yourself for that kiss…please, don't…
Gibbs opened his eyes as he heard Tony's words. Tony's eyes were locked on his and he couldn't read any anger or hate in them. He forgot about his anguish for a second before realizing that Tony was certainly trying to reassure him.

Tony saw the hope then the sadness was back in Gibbs' eyes. The older man was still unable to believe anything he could tell him.
-I mean it, Gibbs. The reason why I didn't react was that I was too surprised to do anything. But I didn't feel the need to hit you or run away.
Gibbs' breathe had become easier but it was obviously still painful for him.
-Why?
-What do you mean? Why didn't I react when you kissed me…? Or why didn't I run away…?
-Both…
-To be honest, I'm not sure for the first part… Surprise for sure but there was something I'm not sure to ba bale to describe or explain… For your second question it's easier. I told you I won't let you down no matter what may happen. I promised I would take care of you and I usually keep my promises…
-Thanks.
Gibbs closed his eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. He was glad Tony had once again decided to forgive him.

Ducky was amazed to see how much control Tony had over his friend. The crisis had been tough and he would never have believed Gibbs strong enough to gop through this on his own. But it was Tony's voice that had brought him back… giving him enough time to regain control upon his body.
The ME put the medication he had prepared back in his case and looked at the two friends. Tony was still knelt on the floor a hand on Gibbs' shoulder.

-How are you feeling, Boss?
-Tired…
-I guess… You must stop doing that… You know you scared me once more and I'm too young to have a heart attack…
Gibbs looked up at the younger man, smiling softly as he saw Tony's eyes shining with malice.
-Sorry I will try to behave.

Without really realizing what he was doing, Tony's hand began to gently caress Gibbs' hair. The tenderness Tony put in that move brought back tears in Gibbs' eyes.
-I need you to trust me, Jethro. I promise I won't hurt you anymore. I want to be here for you.
Gibbs was unable to hold back the tears. He wanted nothing more than believe him but it was too hard for now to open up even to the man he loved. He couldn't afford being hurt again.

-I know it will take time but I will wiat for you, Jethro. I will be there when you are ready.
Gibbs knew he was loosing his battle against exhaustion. Tony's voice was reaching his ears from far away. The soft murmurs followed him while he was drifting into sleep.
-That's it, Jethro. Come back to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up… I promise.

Tony placed a soft kiss on Gibbs' forehead before standing up, stretching his sore muscles. Ducky had not moved, still not sure what he had just witnessed. When he looked at Tony he saw the fine lines drawn by tears on the younger man's cheeks.
-Oh, Anthony.
-Ducky, it's too hard to see him suffer like that and be unable to help him.
-You're wrong. You are helping him. He wouldn't have been able to go through this crisis without you.
-It's not enough.

Ducky studied his younger friend's face trying to guess what Tony was not saying.
-Can I ask you a personnal question?
-sure, Ducky.
-What are you feeling for Jethro? I mean, two days ago you seemed to want nothing more than his friendship and today… Well, I don't know how to interpret your behaviour.
Tony sighed and walked to the kitchen where he landed on the first chair he found. He knew Ducky would follow him. The discussion they were about to have was the onmy one Tony feared to face. But he knew he owed his friend the truth.

-You are not obliged to answer. But even if you are both my friends, I need to be sure Jethro wouldn't be hurt. He is too fragile, Anthony.
-I'm aware of that, Ducky. Believe me.
Tony took a minute to gather his thoughts and find the strength to answer Ducky's question.
-I'm not used to trusting people, even at work. But from the beginning I trusted Gibbs. It has always been different with him. Things were clear… We had a job to do and since it was done everything was fine. All I needed to do was doing what I was paid for…
-And he changed the rules?
-Yeah, I was confused. When I was a child my parents never told me they loved me. They cared but they taught me it was a weakness to show your feelings…Believe me or not, I've never said "I love you" to anyone…not even once and I never let anyone tell me those words.
-That makes some events clearer…So all your dates…?

Tony laughed because he was expecting the question.
-Mostly fakes but I like to seduce and I hate feeling lonely…
-When Jethro told you…?
-He was the first one. I thought our relationship was based on respect and trust. It was the only true relationship I had since college. At first I thought he had destroyed everything and I blamed him for that.
-And now?
-I can't deny I'm still confused about what I should do or not but I realized he meant a lot to me…a lot more than anyone else.
-You must be sure Anthony. Jethro loves you the only he knows. It can't be a part of something. He loves you with all his heart and soul.

Tony sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes as if he was trying to clear his mind.
-I know, Ducky. But I can't say for sure. How could I ? I've never felt that before.
The younger man had stood up and was pacing around the small room. His agitation was speaking for him.
-I need to be close to him, to touch him only to be sure he is really alive and safe here with me. And when he kissed me… it was strange at first to feel against me a body as strong as mine but then it was as if it was the only thing I've always searched for…what I had been looking for in every women I dated…

Ducky smiled at his young friend when he sat breathless in front of him. Tony had always amazed him. He was smarter than what he wanted the other to think. He had managed to analyse with an efficinet accurancy what it may have taken anyone else a very long and expensive therapy to understand. This man would never make a shrink rich, he was too clever for that.

-I think that you know well what you want. The main question now is for you to decide what you are going to do with those feelings. Are you ready to take the next step and act on them?
-Always straight to the heart of the problem, Ducky…
-I think you've already wasted too much time to wait and see. Besides, Jethro is going to need much more than your friendship to stay in DC…
-Yes, I've come to that conclusionmyself, Ducky. But it's not a decision easy to take. I've never been attracted to a man before and we are talking about Gibbs…
-It's not so different my friend…Love is always love…
-I must disagree with you Doctor Mallard…There are many differences…if you know what I mean…

Tony laughed when he saw Ducky's red cheeks. He had never seen the ME like that before and it was surprising to see how naïve his older friend could still be.
-Oh, I see. But I'm sure you w'll manage. Jethro doesn't have anything you haven't seen before…
It was Tony's turn to blush…
Both friends stayed in the kitchen in companable silence. They needed time to think and make decisions. While Tony was trying to imagine what a life with Gibbs as lover could mean, Ducky began to build a strategy to help his friends.
Oblivion to the world, Gibbs was still sleeping, the memory of Toyn's lips warming him.


Gibbs awoke two hours later a little less confused thanks to the rest he had been able to take. He could still hear Tony whispering reassuring words in his ears. When he opened his eyes he was alone but he could hear Tony and Ducky talking in the kitchen. He smiled hearing them argue on the best way to cook pastas.
You should never let an old english man and an italian talk about cooking.
Gibbs began to stirr, testing his articulation and aching muscles and was pleased to see that the pain had lessened.he manage to stand up without wincing and walked to the kitchen.

Standing at the door, he looked at his friends. They had not realized he was here. Tony was speaking with both his hadns and mouth and was offering him an exquisite picture.
-I don't know how english people manage to survive both the weather and the way they eat…!
-Watch your mouth, young man. Others had underestimated us over the last century and some for the worse…Napoleon…
Tony raised his hand to stop Ducky before he began telling him an anecdote about Napoleon and Waterloo…
-Yeah, I heard about that…But he must have been too curious and tried your pudding…I heard he died poisoned…

Gibbs was enjoying the exchange and he would have liked to stay discreet but a sudden cough revealed his presence to his friends. They both turned and Tony was at his side holding his arm before he could catch his breath.
-Are you ok, Boss?
-Yes, Tony. I'm fine.

The younger man led him to the nearest chair. Gibbs had to admit he was feeling a little feverish but he didn't know if it was because he was becoming ill or because of Tony's arm still on his back. Ducky was looking at him and he could see he was in Doctor's mode.
-I'm not so sure you are fine, Jethro. Your body is weak because of your injuries, the lack of sleep and food…
-Ok, I may have exagerated. I'm not that fine.

Gibbs could feel Tony's eyes on him and when he looked at the younger man, he met a concerned look. Tony was oblilviously worried. Gibbs would have liked to go on with a smile telling them he was fine but he knew neither Tony nor Ducky would have believed him. He didn't want them to worry but he owed them the truth. There had already been too many lies between them.
-I think I may have a little fever and there is something bothering me when I breath.
-I see. It's not unsual in that kind of situation. It's probably the beginning of a pneumonia…
-What…? You are sure, Ducky…I t may be…

Tony had stood up, obviously agitated. Gibbs followed him at the other end of the room. He knew what Tony was thinking about. He placed his right hand on the younger man's arm. The left one found his way to his chin. Tony was now looking at him.
-Tony, it has nothing to do with the pneumonia you sufferd after the Y-Pestis. I'm not in any kind of danger. Besides, Ducky said it was only the beginning. I'm going to take some meds and sleep all day long. I'm going to be fine. Ok?
Tony's reaction was not the one Gibbs had expected. The younger man closed the space between them, taking refuge in Gibbs'arms. His head found his place Gibbs' shoulder.

-I can't help worrying for you.
-I'll be fine, Tony. I promise.
It felt so good to have Tony in his arms and it had been so unexpected that Gibbs could feel his eyes sting once more. He was caressing Tony's hair trying to ease the tension he could feel in his friend's body.
-We are going to find a way to go through this…
Tony pushed back a little and faced him. He was so close that Gibbs could feel his breath. He could not look away from those eyes.
-Sure, Boss.

Gibbs' hand was now on Tony's neck. It would have been so easy to pull him closer, to reach for his lips. It took all his strength to resist and walk away from his friend's embrace. He was not the kind of man who did twice the same mistake. He was about to walk to his chair when Tony caught his hand keeping him close.
-Stay, Jethro.
Gibbs didn't turn. He couldn't believe Tony wanted him close after what he had done to him.
-Tony, I'm not sure it would be a good idea.
-We need to talk about what happened…
-Oh, God. I'm so sorry Tony… I should have controlled what I felt. I promise it won't happen again…

Ducky who was facing Gibbs could see his jaw tense. Gibbs hand was still in Tony's hand but the older man was trying hard to go away from his friend. Ducky was ready to tell Tony to let Gibbs go but he realized the younger was determined to have this talk.
He couldn't interfere in the relationship they were about to begin. He decided to stay near if they needed help but he remained silent. Tony had seen the hesitation in the ME's eyes and he murmured a silent thank you when Ducky sat back on his chair.

-Can you just look at me, Jethro? I have some things to tell you but you must look at me. I can't talk to your back.
-I can't Tony. I didn't want to assault you the way I did. I don't know why… But….
Tony was stunned by Gibbs' words. The older man had seen it as an agression.
-Let's go to the living room. There are many things you need to hear and we would be better on the couch.

Gibbs followed Tony slowly to the living room aware of his friends' concern as he walked his shoulders bent, careful with each step…So many signs his exhaustion was not enterely due to his injuries. As Gibbs sat on the couch, Tony positionned himself on the coffee table in front of him. Gibbs was looking around as iof he was searching for a way to escape Tony's closeness. Tony saw Gibbs was not really at ease. He put a hand on his knee.
-What's wrong, Jethro?

Gibbs bent his head, looking at the carpet at his feetd. He was ashamed of his weakness. He had been proud of being able to face the truth no matter how hard it could be. But today he could not look at the man in front of him, the man he had betrayed, abusing his trust. Gibbs sighed and gathering his strength he raised his head meeting Tony's concerned hazel eyes.
-Nothing is wrong, Tony… Except I'm too much a coward to even dare look you in the eyes.
-You are now.
-Yeah, but you have no idea how hard it is not to run away some place where I would not have to face the fact I abused your trust…
-That's what you think you did when you kissed me…?
-Among other things… Yes.
-You are so wrong, Jethro. It's amazing to see how a man as smart as you can be a complete idiot when feelings are involved. I must admit I'm not a better example…

Gibbs smiled at him.
-What a pair we make!
-True. But the most important thihng you have to understand is that I'm not hurt nor feel betrayed or whatever can come to your mind. You surprised me but do you really think I wouldn't have been able to push you away if I had felt assaulted…?
-I don't know… I…
-Boss, you are weakened by your injuries… I could have stopped you anytime…
-Why didn't you…?
-Good question and it took me some time to figure out why I didn't. But while you were doing your guilt trip I think I found out why… And as always when you find an answer…more questions appear…
-I know but can answer this one first…?
-Yes, straight to the point, as always, Boss.

Tony seemed a bit unsure now that he had to say out loud what he had understood about himself. Gibbs gave him time to find a way to say what he had to say.
The two men were oblivion to Ducky. The ME was still observing them…silent witness of their hesitaions and tries. He was glad they had been able to sit and talk. And even if he knew nothing was won, it was a good start.

-Ok. First, like I said, I didn't expect that from you. I was trying to make you react in a way or another but I was more thinking about you yelling at me or hitting me…
-That's probably what the boss would have done but I'm not sure to be this man anymore.
-So when I found myself between you and the fridge, I can't deny I kind of froze. But not in a bad way… at that moment I could have stopped you but I didn't… Call that curiosity or whatever you want…The point is that, even if I was not really aware of what I was doing, I allowed you to kiss me…

Gibbs feared to ask the question which was almost burning his lips. Tony talked first seeing Gibbs was still not sure how he had to interpret his speech.
-And then when I felt your lips on mine, for a second everything froze. Before I can do anything you were gone. You didn't let me say anything.
-I know I can be stupid sometimes when feelings are involved…

Tony smiled at him, glad that the older was able to joke about what had happened.
-That and the fact the last time you told me about your feelings I didn't react very well…
gibbs looked back at his feet at the thought of the moment he had opened his heart to man he loved.
-Yeah, maybe that too…
-You want to know what I really felt when you kissed me, when I realized it was your body against mine?
-I'm sorry…I didn't think… I just acted…
Tony hand found his way to Gibbs' cheek, raising gently the older man's face.
-Don't be sorry, Jethro. You opened my eyes and my heart with that kiss.

Gibbs blinked several times trying to stabilize Tony's image in front of him. He was feeling light headed and it was not because of his physical weakness.
-I loved it, Jethro. I don't know what it means but to be honest I've never felt those kind of feelings kissing a woman. It's all new for me but it felt right, for lack of other words…I've already had this feeling when I woke up this morning.

Gibbs closed his eyes. He wanted to yell but nothing went out when he opened his mouth. He didn't know what to do with what Tony was telling him. He had dreamt of that moment and now he was unable to accept Tony's words as the truth.
-Boss, say something, please. I know I've been a heartless bastard. But I was wrong. I could give you many reasons to explain why I did what I did. The first one would be that I've never been attracted to a man before today…

Gibbs didn't move and Tony realized he had still to convince him he was not playing with his feelings.
-you are the first I allowed to come so close to me. I've never been really good at building relationship of any kind. You were what I had closer to a friend and when you told me you had feelings for me I thought you had destroyed everything we had built. I was not ready to accept what you were offering… I couldn't see that I wanted the same thing…I was too afraid to admit that even to myself.

Gibbs sighed realizing he had been holding his breath while Tony was speaking. He had heard him loud and clear and he knew he had to say something.
-I don't know if you realize I'd wished for you to say those words for a long time…
-But…It's too late…?
-I don't know Tony. I love you. Don't ever doubt that but I'm not sure I'm ready to give it a try.
-I'm aware of that Jethro. And I don't ask you to trust me blindly. I'll wait for you to be ready. I only ask you not to condemn what I feel for you. My feelings are real and true.
-I'll need some time. Don't ask too much of me for now…
-I won't but promise me you are going to think about it. Give me a second chance…

Gibbs seemed to think for a long minute. He had been badly hurt by Tony' rejection but there was more at stake here. He had planed to give his life a new start and he was not sure it would be safe for him to stay in DC any longer. He had dreamt of sharing his life with Tony and he had had to forget about it.

Tony was worried by the time Gibbs was taking to answer him. His heart missed a beat when Gibbs looked up at him.
-Tony, you stole my heart years ago but I don't like to suffer. I don't know what would be worse… give us a chance and realize it was a mistake or shut the door and never look back. I thought I had made the right choice and I've never had to make such a hard decision…When youleft me after Kate's burial I wished I had the strength to put an end to it right there…I spent the night facing my gun…
-God, Jethro…
-You know why I didn't pull the trigger?

Gibbs laughed bitterly remembering that night. He had stayed for hours his weapon in his hands before he decided he wanted to have a last look at his boat.
-I wanted to do it in the only place I've ever felt safe.
-Your basement…? That's where Ari was waiting for you…
-Yeah, he saved my life in a way. When I saw him I was relieved I would not have to do it myself…
-You spent almost four hours with a gun in your hands…What were you thinking about…?
-You, Tony. You were the only reason why I hesitated for so long. I knew that no matter what I decided to do you would feel guilty and after Kate's death I didn't want you to carry my death too…
-So after what I did to you, you were still trying to spare my feelings.
-I love you Tony. You are the only one who matters to me…My last link with life. I couldn't do it knowing it would hurt you.

They were still face to face only inches apart. Tony lowered his head and their forehead met.
-I'm so sorry, Jethro for what I put you through. I'll give all the time you need to decide what you want to. Whatever you choose, I'll accept it. But I have something more to say for my defense…
Tony's voice was only a whisper now. The two men were alone in their world…

-I love you , Jethro. You are the first one to hear those words…
Tony came closer and his lips brushed Gibbs' lips. The kiss they shared had nothing to do with the one Gibbs had previously given him. Tony didn't want to put any pressure on Gibbs. The tenderness Gibbs could feel in this kiss made him close his eyes and ask for more.
For the first time in years he let someone else take the control and loose himself in that kiss. He could now feel Tony's feeling… He could now believe him.

Chapter 14.
The best and the worst…

Ducky had left them alone. He knew now that they would be fine. He had watched his friends carefully before relaxing but he had witnessed their silent exchange, the way they were searching for eye contact, light touches…The ME had smiled at their hesitations, it was not so usual to watch Leroy Jethro Gibbs acting like a teenager in love for the first time. That was exactly the image Tony and Gibbs were giving to see…teenagers in love.
The older man was still smiling as he parked his car in front of the house he was sharing with his mother. He would never have bet for the situation to turn like this only hours ago. But love has is own way to put people together.

Tony and Gibbs were still at Gibbs' house. They had shared a good meal and talked some more about what they would do, about their feelings…Tony was still not sure that Gibbs would stay in DC and the older man kept avoiding direst answers on that subject. It was probably too early for him but there was a big difference now… Tony had hope...Hope that his love would be enough to make him stay.

-A penny for your thoughts…
Tony was on the couch and looked at Gibbs who was standing in front of him a smile on his face. He had seen him smile before but this one was only for him and it warmed his heart to know he could make Gibbs smile like that.
-I was only thinking about the way life can make bad things turn into good ones sometimes…
-You're right, it happens sometimes.
Gibbs sat next to him and his hand found his way to Tony's hand. He loved having him close but what he loved the most was to be able to do such simple things as spending time with Tony just holding his hand. In those moments it was like nothing of what had happened in the last three days had been real. He could almost forget about Ari and his evil plans.

Gibbs sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch.
-Come here…
Tony put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer. Gibbs' head was now resting on Tony shoulder and closed his eyes.
-It's going to fine now we've found each other, Jethro. I know we still have some things to talk about but I want you to know I will be here for you no matter what happens and no matter what you decide to do.
Gibbs didn't reply. He couldn't help feeling it would not be so easy. He had never felt so close to someone before meeting Tony and he was not used to feeling safe. He could not afford it; it would have been too dangerous. And now he wanted nothing more than trust Tony and let himself savor the pleasure to be with the man he loved.

Tony felt the man in his arms tensed and he knew too well what Gibbs was thinking about.
-Nothing wrong is going to happen, Jethro. I won't let anyone destroy what we have and what we are going to build together…
-You can't be sure of that Tony and you know it as well as me. Ari is still after me and after you now.
-We have to find him before he finds us then…
Gibbs looked up at him. He knew what Tony was trying to do and he was not sure he wanted to let him do that. He knew he would have to hunt down Ari but he had thought about doing it alone. The last thing he wanted was for Tony to be hurt or worse. He still thought that the best way to protect him from Ari would be to go away from him.

Tony seemed to read his mind and frowned.
-You won't get rid of me so easily this time Gibbs. If you go away, I go with you and if you try to flee from me I would find you.
-Tony, I don't want …
-What…? You don't want me in your life…? You don't love me…? Tell me Gibbs.
Tony had said it with a calm voice because he knew it was not what Gibbs wanted but he needed to show him his determination not to let him go. Gibbs didn't answer; he only closed his eyes trying to erase the image that had just formed in his mind. Ari had showed him what he would do to Tony and he couldn't let it happen.

-Jethro, tell me what you don't want…No better than that…Tell me what you want.
-I…
Tony raised his hand…
-And don't tell me you don't know.
-I don't want you to be hurt because of me, because what I feel for you.
-What makes you think I would be hurt…? You think I'm not able to defend myself even in front of Ari?
-Kate was a good Agent too and she couldn't do anything, Tony. You know what this guy can do.
-I know, Jethro but it would not be safer for me if we are apart. If I had to trust someone to take care of my safety, you would the one I would choose.
-Thanks Tony but I have been unable to protect Kate and I wouldn't be able to …

Gibbs had once again closed his eyes and Tony could see it was hard for him to face the feelings he was experiencing right now. Tony would never have thought Gibbs could feel insecure. He placed a hand on the older man's cheek.
-What do you want, Jethro?
Gibbs met Tony's eyes. He tried to look away but the younger man didn't let him flee this time.
-Look at me and tell me what you want us to do, now.
-Tony…I…
-It's not so hard.
-It is for me. What I want to do and what I should do are two different things.
-I don't need to hear what you should because you already showed me what it was…and it has not been a good idea. I need to know what you really want. I'm going to tell you what I wish.

Tony took a deep breath before going on. The words were still hard to say for him.
-I love you, Jethro. It took me time to realize it and it almost cost you your life. But now, I can't imagine my life without you at my side. I don't know what life has reserved for us but I want you to be a part of it. But I won't push you. I would understand if you didn't want it…
Gibbs opened his mouth to say something but Tony stopped him putting a finger on his lips.
-Let me finish, please. You are too important to me to make you do something you are not ready to do but I've never felt that for anyone before, Jethro. No one had ever made me feel loved before and I don't want it to end…

Tony let his lips talk for him and he put all his love in the kiss he gave him. Both men could feel the air warming up in the room as they tongues danced and played. Tony had always prided himself to be a good kisser but it was something new for him to kiss someone who wanted to have the control as much as him. And Gibbs was good at it. He once more found himself totally lost in the sensations the older man was able to make him feel. He couldn't tell who broke the contact first but they were now face to face unable to talk. Their eyes were talking for them expressing their love, their needs.

-Tony, I want you to be a part of my life too. I love you, never doubt that.
Tony smiled softly at him. That's exactly what he wanted to hear, what he needed to know. Gibbs had said those words looking him straight in the eyes and he had seen the truth in them.
They spent the rest of the evening in each others arms. Tony had felt Gibbs relaxed little by little and fell asleep. He didn't want to wake him up even if he knew they would be better in a bed.

He had not realized he was tired but the next time he opened his eyes the room was dark. It took him a moment to sense there was someone else in the room. He searched for his gun but he had left it in Gibbs' bedroom. He was blaming himself for his stupidity when he heard someone laugh. He would never forget that laugh and he knew immediately that what Gibbs' fears would come true.

-I see you finally found him, Anthony.
-What do you want Ari?
-Don't be so impatient, Anthony…!
Gibbs began to wake up. Tony would have preferred him to stay asleep. The younger man didn't released his hold, he didn't want Gibbs away from him especially now.
-Tony…?
-It's ok, Jethro.
-You two are so cute…
Gibbs was now perfectly awake. This voice…
-Ari…
-Himself…Happy to see you are fine Jethro.

Gibbs sat on the couch looking at the man he could now distinguish in front of him.
-What do you want?
Ari laughed and turned on the small lamp next to him.
-Anthony had already asked me that question. I just wanted to see how you two were doing…
-You've seen. Now you'd better go before I decide to put a bullet in your hard-head…
-You're threatening me, Jethro. You don't remember what happened the last time you tried something like that…I'm sure you don't want Anthony to be hurt…

Gibbs felt his blood freeze in is veins. He still had in mind the pictures Ari had showed him.
-I see you remember. I'm sorry for what happened to Caitlin. She was a smart and beautiful woman. But you should have told me not to touch her…
-I know what you are trying to do Ari but it's not going to work…
Ari stood up. Gibbs and Tony could now see the gun he was carrying. They had not doubted that the man was armed.
-Let Tony go!
-Isn't it nice, Anthony? He is trying to save your life. You really love him Jethro?
-Let him go, Ari. He has nothing to do with what I did to you.
-You are pathetic, Jethro. And I must disagree with you. Anthony is the key to our problem…

Gibbs was scared that Ari had come here only to kill Tony. He couldn't let him do that.
-I'm the one who shot you. I'm the one who told the FBI you were not the agent they believed you to be…
-Yes and the best way to make you pay for that is to kill the ones you love. Then I'm planning on staying here and watch you kill yourself…
-It's not going to happen Ari. I won't give that pleasure…
-You are not that strong, Jethro.
Gibbs realized his hands were shaking but he couldn't let Ari see that. No he was not that strong. Tony had not moved and Gibbs knew he was searching for a way to get out of this dangerous situation.

Ari walked to the couch and aimed his gun at Tony's head. The younger man looked him straight in the eyes. The only thing he could do was to show he was not scared to die.
-Ari… it's between you and me. It's me you want to see dead, not him…
-You're wrong, Jethro. I don't want to see you dead…I want to make you suffer…your death would only be a bonus…
-Why…?
Tony's question took the two men by surprised. Gibbs would have slapped at the back of his head if he had been able to move. But he realized Tony was trying to make him talk, he was trying to give them time.
Ari looked down at him. He must admit this man had guts. He had a loaded gun aimed at his head and he was asking him why he wanted to kill him. A cold smile appeared on his face and Gibbs shivered as he realized Ari wouldn't let them go no matter what they tried.

He had to do something. Ari was about to shoot and at that distance Tony didn't have a chance. The man had nothing to loose and he was not someone you could talk to. He had come here to kill both of them and nothing would make him change his mind. Tony was aware of that too.
-I have a last request before you shoot me. Even you can't deny me that…
-I'm sorry, Anthony. I don't have any cigarettes here…
-I don't smoke. Let me talk to Gibbs one last time…
Ari laughed again.
-I see…Last goodbyes…

Ari nodded but he didn't step back and kept the gun close to Tony's head. The younger man turned to Gibbs and took him in his arms. His mouth was close to his ear so that Ari couldn't hear what he was saying. When they parted Tony looked up at Ari defying him.
-Do what you have to do but please to it fast…
Ari had his eyes locked on Tony's eyes and he didn't see Gibbs moving at his left. The older man was still weak from his injuries but the fear of seeing the man he loved was giving him enough strength to do what he had to do.
Ari didn't realized what was hitting him. He only felt the weight of another body pushing him. The two men fell on the floor…

That's when Tony heard the shot…

Chapter 15.
The end…



Tony had stayed for hours alone in this empty room…waiting. He didn't know what he had waited for…there was nothing to wait for now…nothing mattered for him now.
He could still see the events of the last hours every time he closed his eyes…He could still feel the joy and then the intense pain.

For a few hours he had believed his life had changed for the best. He had finally admitted to himself he was in love and for the first in his life he had felt loved in return. Gibbs had been the first one who had been able to go through the walls he had built around his heart.

But this night had turned into a nightmare…he had never been so scared than when he had heard Ari's gun shoot. This sound was still resonating in his ears… the smell of gunpowder and blood was making his sick even now… hours later and miles away from the crime scene.

He had watched his worst nightmare coming true in front of his eyes…the man he loved had been killed trying to save his life. And he had been able to do anything to help him. He had let him die.

They were on the couch…both asleep. It was good to have Gibbs in his arms, to be close to him. How could he have thought it was wrong to feel love for this man? He had always respected him, admired him. But his feelings had changed…He remembered the moment he had realized what he really felt for his boss. He had first tried to deny it but you can't fight against so strong feelings…You can't deny your heart.

For one day he had been happy, finally in peace with himself. It had not been so difficult to take the next step. Gibbs had given him the time he needed and Tony had been glad the older had forgiven him.

He smiled thinking of the first kiss they had exchanged…their first real kiss. Definitely different…Not because Gibbs had been the first man he had kissed. He couldn't explain what he had felt when he had kissed him but there was no tension, no pressure. He knew Gibbs didn't expect anything special from him. He had nothing to prove to him.

He had felt free to be really himself with him and he had realized kissing Gibbs that he had played a role all these years. This kiss had been like the first one for him…Being in love was new for him and it felt so good…

But everything had turned wrong. When he had opened his eyes and seen Ari in front of him, he had realized he could loose everything…He knew the man in front of him had not come in this house only to scare them. He wanted to kill Gibbs or him.
He had not been scared to die…It was a risk he had learnt to live with over the years but he would not stand Gibbs being hurt or worse.

He had tried to make Ari talk. He knew he could not make him change his mind. The man was crazy. He had killed Kate for no real reason…Only because he could. He wanted to show them he would be able to reach them any time, anywhere.

He had believed for a moment he would be able to take the advantage but it was too risky to try something. He could not put Gibbs' life in the line. But the older man had taken the decision for him. He had not asked for his approbation.

Why would he have done that? After all, he was still the Boss. For Tony he would stay his Boss..; the one who was able to make the right decision at the right time…the one who had saved his life so many times.

But something had changed. Gibbs was not only his Boss now. He was the man he was in love with…the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And he could not help being angry at him for what he had done.

He knew why he had done that…for the same reason why Tony had thought of doing the same thing. Gibbs didn't want to see Tony hurt or killed. He had risked his own life because he could not have stand seeing his love injured. As weird as it could sound, it had been a selfish decision. But Tony understood it…"Better being killed than being the helpless witness of the other part of your soul's death."

Tony had seen the pain in Gibbs' eyes as he had turned to face him. His decision was made and he knew it was probably the last moment they would share. Tony had wanted to yell, to tell him he could not do it, that there was another way…But he knew Gibbs was right. One of them would die tonight…Ari had all the cards in his hands and they could not do anything to avoid the confrontation.

It should have been him. Gibbs was still weak. He should have taken this decision instead of him. But before he could say or do anything, Gibbs had closed the gap between them. The older man had taken him in his arms whispering those words in his ear. He would never forget the last words Gibbs had said.

He had then faced Ari knowing the man was only waiting for the right moment to shoot him. He didn't care at that moment. Gibbs loved him and this love was warming him up. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you, Tony. Nothing will change that…Not even death."

Gibbs had been right. Death was not strong enough to separate them. True love can't die. He was ready to die when he had looked up at Ari. That when Gibbs had jumped between him and Ari's gun.

What had followed wasn't really clear in his mind. It had seemed to last for long minutes. He had watched the two men fight on the floor, the gun between them. Then the sound of gun shot had filled the room and time had frozen.

He couldn't say how long he had stayed there, frozen in the middle of Gibbs' living room. The two men on the floor didn't move. Tony wanted to yell at Gibbs. He wanted to tell him to stand up, that it was not funny…But no one had moved.

He didn't want to think the worst had happened…His mind couldn't accept what his eyes were watching. There was blood on the carpet…Ari was looking at him with a smile on his face…But the only face he wanted to see was hidden. Gibbs could not be dead…It couldn't be his blood…

He had left the house hours ago but he was still not sure that the event of the last days had really happened. Maybe it had only been a bad dream… he would wake up in his bed and nothing would have happened.
He couldn't help shivering at the thought of what had happened in only a few hours. He could still fear the fear running through his veins.

He rubbed his tired eyes. The room was dark and he was being to be uncomfortable on that chair. He wanted to go back home and sleep for the rest of his life. He wanted to forget the last hours… he wanted to erase those memories from his mind…But he had to wait here…alone.

It was amazing how your life can change in only some minutes. He couldn't have been happier with Gibbs asleep in his arms and a minute later …He couldn't even think about what he had felt when he had seen him on the floor…

He sighed heavily and didn't realize someone had opened the door. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at the man who was standing next to him. The room was dark but he recognized him.

The first thing he saw was the man's eyes. He had once believed those eyes could only reflect coldness. But now he could see something else in them. He stood up and faced him.

-You're ready to go back home, Tony?
A warm smile was his only answer. He could have stayed here…He could have lost himself in those eyes. His fears were gone now.

He knew someone could have seen them but he needed to feel him closer. Tony made one more step and took him in his arms resting his head on his shoulder. The older man didn't pull him back. They both needed to be sure the other one was safe.

-Don't ever do that again, Gibbs. I thought I had lost you for good this time.
-I'm sorry, Tony. But it was the only way to end it. He would have killed you…

Tony knew Gibbs was right but he would never say it out loud. He had been too scared to forgive him for now. For long minutes he had believed him dead. But finally Gibbs had stood up…Ari was dead. But it had been so close…

-I'm ok, Tony. I won't leave you now.
-You're going to stay…But your new job…?
-I don't care, Tony. I want to be with you and you're all I need.
-I've never loved anyone the way I love you, Jethro…
Tony smiled at him. He couldn't be mad at him now. For the first time since the beginning of this nightmarish week, Tony had hope…He had hope that finally they would have a real chance together.

Ducky closed the door. He wanted to give his friends time to realize their nightmare was over. He was sure everything would be ok for them now.
Tony and Gibbs didn't hear him close the door. They were lost in a passionate kiss… A new life had just begun for them.