Chapter 1.
Many questions...


Tony couldn't help being satisfied by the way thing had turned. It had been a hard case and he must admit he ahd feared been unable to bring the kid his father back. But Gibbs had promised the little boy that he would do it and he kept his promise... as always.
He had been amazed to see how his boss had dealt with the kid. Zachary had trusted him at first sight... who didn't. Gibbs had this ability of reassuring people. When this man told you that he would be able to do something, you couldn't doubt he would succeed.

So they had found the daddy, he had been beaten badly but he was alive and had been able to take his son home. Tony smiled as he remembered the way that kid, so smart and who seemed to be older than his seven years old, screamed when he saw his father.
Tony had almost forgotten during the hours he had spent with the kid that he was still young. Life had already been hard on him and he had grown a bit faster than the others. He had been brave and strong to help them finding his father but he had become a little child again when his father returned.

In a way he envied this kid. He would never have been allowed to hug his father like that in front of someone. His family wasn't the kind where feelings were shared or expressed.he couldn't remember a moment he had shared with his father or his mother which had been true. There always were someone looking at him to avoid him to embarass his parents in a way or another : a nurse most of the time.

He sighed at the thought of his parents. He hadn't seen them since he had joined the police still remebering the way his father had said that he wouldn't be his son anymore if he chose the police. A Dinozzo didn't do such a job....
Tony couldn't think being obliged to spend his life at the head of the family entreprises. He shivered at the thought of what his life may have been like... a suit, a tie and being polite with stupid people who only talked to you because you were the one with the money they needed.

He had never regretted his choice even if it had been hard turning his back to what had been his life. He didn't care about the money and he had loved the new freedom he had gained.
And today for the first time in months he felt that he had made the difference.
They had helped this child, bringing down some nasty guys in the same time. Since Kate's death, the team was not the same. It had taken time not to wait for one of her reply each time he made a joke. And much more time not to feel the pain each time he thought about what had happened on that roof.

But he was now able to smile as he thought about her. He had tried to remember all the good times they had shared. He had even written some of them and it had helped him a lot to think of what she had given him instead of what he had lost with her death.

What was still bothering him was the fact that he thought he was the only one able to do that. He could see that Abby was avoiding talking about her, Ducky had his own way to deal with death in general that he wasn't sure to understand, McGee didn't share a thing especially with him... and Gibbs... He didn't know what to think of Gibbs.
In fact, he knew well what he thought about his boss. It was part of the problem maybe. He was hyperaware of him at the least. They had worked together for more than two years and litlle by little his feelings for his boss had grown...
He had begun to see him like the wonderful man he could be more than like the heartless bastard he wanted everyone to believe he was. He had learnt to read the signs, the subbtle messages the man was unconsciously sending.

He had realised that behind the mask of coldness and professionalism he wore there were so much more. He had discovered a man who cared about people, who was able to understand and who was great with kids... sometimes he sounded like a groupie... Maybe but he couldn't help admiring this man, his strength, his faith that what they were doing was right.... the way he smiled at him when he thought nobody was looking...

He didn't know what his boss was feeling for him but he was sure there was something hiden behind those smiles. But lately, there had been less smiles, more angry words and Tony couldn't figure out why most of them were directed to him.
Gibbs ‘ behaviour was becoming more and more enigmatic. One day he thought he had seen some understanding in his eyes and the next he coudl be as distant as when they first met.

He was still at his esk even if it was past ten p;m. His report was finished but he liked the quietness of the office late. It allowed him to think and as always his thoughts drifted to his boss. He had acted weirdly lately but today had been the worst day. Not that Gibbs had been more "bossy" than usual but Tony had felt that something was wrong with him and he didn't like it.
He had seen him look at the kid and his father when the little boy had run to him. Gibbs hadn't seen him. Tony had seen so much sadness in his eyes, a sadness he couldn't understand. They had allowed to be with his father and he should have been happy for that... Tony knew that there must be a secret behind this sadness.

He had tried to talk with him but it had ended with Gibbs giving him his " mind your own buisiness" look so he hadn't insisted. It must have something to do with the boy or with kids in general... The first question that came to his mind was why Gibbs had never had kids? He had been married three times...So why? Tony had realised how he loved being with kids, he knew how to talk to them, to reassure them.
There may be another explanation, he had had kids and for some reason he had been separated from them. His marriage hadn't ended well so maybe...
He wasn't going anywhere with questions that lead to other questions... Hell he was an investigator and he believed to be good at his job so he would search for aswers... secretly. He would have to be discreet because if Gibbs found out about it... He didn't want to think of what the man would do...

With this resolution he decided to go back home. He stood up and was about to walk to the elevator when he saw something on Gibbs'desk. He shouldn't do it but if he wanted answers he would have to spy a bit. He looked around and when he was sure there was noone who could see him he walked to Gibbs' desk.
He found a small silver bottle almost hidden under papers. His father had had the same. He lifted the papers that were hiding the bottle. A noise from the hallway made him jerked and walk away from the desk. He hadn't had enough time to read what was writen on it but he had managed to see two names: Kelly and Shannon.

He tried to find in Gibbs life... what he knew about Gibbs' life, someon called Shannon or Kelly but he coudl not remember him mentioning any of these names. He had guessed that one was one of his wife's name but he doubted that two of them would have met to buy him that!
So one name must be...? Okay! One more question. He would have to make a list of them if he wanted to be efficient. That was the begining of his investigation on Gibbs and what this man is hiding.
He didn't sleep well this night, disturbed by what he didn't know about Gibbs. He wanted nothing more than to know him better. He would have prefered his boss to talk tohim. But he doubted that it would ever happen. He couldn't help being concerned b by the fact that Gibbs was not fine and that he didn't know why.

The next morning he was at work early. He had believed to find Gibbs here but his boss was not there and nothing had been moved from his desk. McGee arrived an hour later with a coffee in his hands.
-You are trying to replace the boss, Probie?
-No, Tony. I like coffee too.
Tim looked around and then back at Tony.
-Where is Gibbs?
-Don't know. I guess he is late...
Saying that he realised how wrong it sounded. Gibbs hd never been late in two years so he would not begin today.
-He must be somewhere in the building... You don't have some work to do, Probie.
-And it's me who is trying to replace the boss...

An hour later, Tony was beginingto be worried. Gibbs had not arrived yet and it was not like him. Tony had already called Ducky, Abby to see if they had any news. Every body was becoming a little anxious and Tony was not surprised to see Ducky in front of his desk only two minutes his fifth call in an hour.
-What's wrong, Anthony?
-I don't know Ducky but Gibbs is late.
-Did you try to call his house, his cell?
-Off course, but there is noone home and his cell didn't respond.
-I see... there must be an explanation.
-Yeah. There must be a reason for him not to have called nor tell us where he was...
Tony knew that Gibbs would have called if he had been called for an emergency... at least to Ducky.

-Okay... I will go to Director Sheppard's office.
-Do you think she really need to know?
-I want to tell her but she may know something.
-If it was the case she would have told us...?
-Are you sure, Ducky. I don't want to be slanderous but I think that our Director has not a high opinion of us and especially me. And I don't know if she would tell us anything even if she had had news.
-Maybe she is jealous?
-What? Jealous of what?
-She was Gibbs' partner a long time ago and now you took his place.
-Oh! That kind of jealousy!

Tony almost blushed. He had thought for a moment that Ducky was implying that maybe Gibbs would have been attracted to him the way he had once been attracted to her.
-Yes that kind too!
Now Ducky was not implying anymore.
-What are you trying to say, Ducky?
-That maybe our Director doesn't like the way Jethro acts with you. The way he stands always by your side...
-Are saying what I think you are saying?
-I don't know, young man. What do you think I'm saying?
Tony was getting confused and he didn't have time to think about what Gibbs may feel and what Ducky may say.
-Forget about it Ducky!

They were interrupted by Director Sheppard walking to them.
-Agent Dinozzo. I received a call from Agent Gibbs. He asked for a personnal leave. He would be absent for a week at least. In his absence you will be in charge.
She didn't even wait for a reply and was about to walked to her office when Tony found his voice back.
-Did he tell you why he needed it? I mean he was fine yesterday...
-You don't need to know. It's private...

She turned her back to them and Tony repressed the desire of wincing behind her back. A littlt childish...? Yes but he couldn't help feeling jealous of what she and Gibbs had shared.
-She could have told us. We are a team... He may need help.
-Anthony, sometimes you are so blind!
-What did I miss?
-Didn't you see how angryshe was. He didn't tell her why he needed down time and the least you can say is that she didn't appreciate it.
-You think that Gibbs didn't even give her a reason?
-I think he left for a personnal reason he didn't want to explain to any of us.
-So you haven't any idea why he left?
-I didn't say that. I think that you realised he wasn't really himself since Caitlin's death...
-Yeah! We have all been affected by her death but Gibbs... He never talked about what he felt even after killing Ari.
-But I think that there is something more that is disturbing him. I saw it when he was with the little boy. He didn't act like he would have in any other case... He took the little boy at his house...
-Yeah, he was very close to him.

Tony looked at Ducky as if he was trying to fnd the best way to ask a dificult question.
-Ducky do you know who Kelly and Shannon are?
-Well, I heard him talk once about Shannon. His first wife. But they had already gone separate ways when we met. I think she lives in Europe now.
-Okay one question solved. But who is Kelly?
Tony was talking to himself. He felt that Kelly was the key and he knew that if Gibbs had hiden her even from Ducky, there must be a sad secret behind this name.

Chapter 2.
...Some answers.

Tony had thought about the reasons why Gibbs could have left without telling any of them. He couldn't find anything job-related to explain his decision. He didn't know how but this case or this kid had made him feel the need to go away for a while.
He also knew that Gibbs would come back in a day or two acting as if nothing had happened, hiding his feelings deep inside under a pretended coldness. This tim Tony wanted to find the truth, to know what was bothering his boss, the man he had fallen for the day he had met him.

He couldn't let him deal with something that was obviously for him alone. Gibbs had never taken a day off and Tony knew that it must have cost him a lot to make this decision. He had to discover what secret his boss was hiding from every one even Ducky, his oldest friend. The question was where to begin.
He decided to go and talk to Abby. The young woman had always been close to Gibbs and even if he doubted that she could know something that Ducky didn't, he had to try. He found her at work, bent over one of her microscops.

-Hey, Abs. What are doing?
She began to explain him something he didn't understan at all. He had always loved hearing her explanations. He couldn't understand a single word most of the time but it was amazing to see her speak with both her mouth and hands. He smiled at her when she stopped talking.

-You didn't come down here to hear me babble about my new toy?
-Not really, Abs. I need to talk to you about Gibbs!
Abby seemed to be worried by Tony's interest.
-He took some days off; didn't he? He isn't ill or something like that and nobody dared to tell me about?
-No, Abs. He is fine as far as I know...
-What do you mean?
-I mean that he didn't tell anybody where he is gone and I can't find out why.
-I can't help you with that. The last time I saw him, he was with this little smart boy and he seemed fine. I hadn't seen him so happy for a long time, this kid seemed to love him and it was reciproquate...
-Yeah, I saw it too. And I believe that there is something linked to that kid that made him feel the need to go.

Abby seemed to think for a moment.
-What do you want me to do, Tony?
-Well... You know I won't oblige you to do anything but I think that Gibbs needs our help this time. I ... we ... have to find where and why he had gone...
Abby smiled at her friend. She had been aware for a while of the way Tony looked at his boss. And she realised today, looking at him, that she had guessed right from the begining.
-What can I do to help you find him?
-First, do you hear him talk about someone called Shannon or Kelly?
-Shannon is the name of his first wife. She came here years ago.
-Really?

Abby was the first one who had seen this mysterious first wife.
-Yeah. It was long before you arrived. I heard them argue in a corridor downstairs. I know I shouldn't have stayed but I couldn't help spying on them...
She looked at him trying to read in Tony's eyes that she had done well. She couldn't feeling guilty to have heard what she had this day.

-It was a private conversation Tony and I promised myself to tell noone about it.
-I only want to help him. You know I wouldn't do anything that could hurt him. But I think he needs us at his side...
-You mean that he needs YOU at his side?!!
-Abs... I...

Tony didn't know what to say now. He had always known that Abby was smart enough to understand teh nature of his feelings for Gibbs but he ha never admitted it out loud to anyone.
-You are so cute when you blush, Tony... So I'm right!
-Yeah, you are right. I want to help him, to be with him... in so many ways.
-That's great... I mean... is he aware of what you feel?
-Are you nuts? I wouldn't have tried to tell him... I have no wish to die...
-You are so blind my friend... Gibbs would never hurt you....
-You mean...?
-I mean that I don't know what he really feels for you but he is certainly not indifferent to you!
-You're sure, Abs?
-Oh yeah. Believe me, Leroy Jethro Gibbs can't hide anything from me!
-Good!
Tony couldn't help smiling at the thought that maybe, one day, he would be able to have what he desired the most... a way to his boss' heart.

-Let's come back to the conversation you heard. It may help us finding him.
-I don't know, Tony. They were talking... Well Gibbs was talking softly... her ... She was yelling at him.
-What did she say?
-She accused him of Kelly's death. She said that he was the one responsible for what happened to her.
-Did you hear what Gibbs was saying?
-No he had his back turned to me and he was talking too low....
She seemed to hesitate before going on.
-The thing that shocked me was that when she left, Gibbs sat on the floor resting his head on his knees. I had never seen him like that Tony. I first thought he was crying an I was about to go to him and hug him tightly... that bitch had hurt him, Tony.
-Are you sure she talked about Kelly?
-Yeah, believe me she was speaking loud enough to be heard...

Tony sat on the chair in front of Abby trying to think about what he had learnt and how it went with what he was already suspecting. If Shannon was Gibbs' first wife and he had no reason to doubt it, Kelly must have been... their daughter. It was the only explanation... but he had to find something more than an old argument and a theory.
-Do you think you could find some informations?
-I'm not investigating Gibbs'past, Tony. I can't do that behind his back. I won't spy on him once more. I had been sick about what I heard and saw for years....
-That's okay, Abby I won't ask you to do that. You have already been a great help.

Tony stood up and walked to the automatic doors od Abby's lab wen he heard the woman's voice behind him.
-I'm soory Tony but I can't do that! But I can tell you that before leaving for Washington, Gibbs and his wife lived in the Maine.

He turned to face her and realised that she was about to doit. He would only have had to ask once more, plea her a bit maybe. But he couldn't make her do something she didn't want to do.
-It's all right, Abby. I will find another way... I still have some friends in the police who could know something.
-Thanks, Tony. I'm relieved that you understand...
-I know how you feel when Gibbs is concerned...
-Yeah, this old man means a great deal for me. Like he does for you!!
-Sure, Abs. But don't talk about the man I love as an old man....

As Tony exited the lab he heard Abby's laugh resonating in the room. He loved her and the way she dealt with life in general.
He walked back to his desk trying to find out what he would do next. He had many things to do. First a call to an old friend. He grabbed his cell and dialed the well known number.
-O'Driscoll!
-Hey! Irish man! It's Tony Dinozzo!
-Hey, it's been a long time since the last time I heard from you, Napoli!
-I hoped that you had forgotten about that stupid nick name. I'm not even born in Italy, you know that!
-Off course I know. I only do that because you don't like it! Besides I've never been in Ireland too!
-Okay, you made your point, old man. How are you doing?
-Fine, I retired six months ago and I've never been so happy.
-I'm glad that you finally decided to leave the service. You deserve to rest, you've done enough for how long?
-Thirty years, two months and some hours...

Tony smiled as he heard the man he had learnt the job with. It was good to hear him after all those years. O'Driscoll had been a good cop, always in the streets. He knew every drug dealer, every gang leader and had guts that had never lied to him.

-What about you, Tony? I heard you had joined NCIS?
-How do you know that?
-I still have some friend here and there.
-Yeah! I'm a federal agent now.
-It's good for you. I knew you were too smart to stay in the streets. But I guest that you didn't phone to talk about the past. How can I help you, young man?
-You are still the best, Sean. I've never been able to hide anything from you.
-I always told you that your voice would betray you one day. You hesitated before talking and you asked things you already knew only to gain some more time and find a way to ask for what you really wanted...
-Okay, I surrender. You are worst than my boss. And believe me it's not a compliment. Well, I need some informations about soemone. But I don't really know who it is and where to look.
-That's pretty confused. But tell me what you already know.
-Her name is Kelly Gibbs. She was probably born somewhere in the Maine, something like eighteen, twenty years ago...
-That's all?
-I suspect that she had been killed years ago but I don't know how she died... illness, car crash or something else.
-Are you sure about the name?
-Not hundred percent but not far.
-Has it something to do with some of your cases?
-Let's say it's personnal. I need to find someone who is trying to hide. A friend of mine who needs help and is unable to ask.
-It seems to be important for you?!
-He is important for me, Sean.
-So you have found the one you were searching for, young man?
-Maybe but he is not aware of it, yet. I have to find him, Sean.
-I understand, Tony. I will make some calls and see what I an find for you. I'll call you back today.
-Thanks, you are a precious friend!

Tony was relieved to have found someone who could help him. He knew that Sean would be discreet and if there was something to find he would find it for him in no time.
Tony was feeling a bit guilty to investigate Gibbs' past like that but the man had left him no other choice. He couldn't let him alone especially if what he suspected was true.
Gibbs would need his help and he was going to find him and bring him back home.

Chapter 3.
Kelly Ann Gibbs.

Tony had finished writing his last report an hour later and he was begining to think about what Sean would find. He could only hope that it was not what he thought. But as he remembered some events he had witnessed, it could only be explained one way. A way he feared to explore as it implied that Gibbs, the one he loved, had gone through the worst.

But he had seen him acted with the kids they had met during some cases. He had seen the way he talked with them, always considering what they had to tell, thinking of them as real persons.
Off course it didn't mean that he had had a child himself but how could he have known how to deal with them otherwise... It was not something natural for a man like him to be able to be so close, to know so well what a child needed...

Tony tried to think about it for a moment but he realised that he needed someone to talk to, someone to share his thoughts with.... And he knew the perfect one for that. He stood up and headed for Ducky's lab.

As he entered the bright room he saw his friend at his desk reading a book.
-You seem to be busy today, Ducky!
-Anthony! I didn't hear you coming in. I was reading this wonderful book "The three musketeers".
-Isn't it a children book?
-Not at all, my dear friend, Alexandre Dumas described in that book how life in Paris during the 17th century was like. It's quite instructive.
-Sure, Ducky.
The ME saw the doubtfull look his friend gave him.
-You may like it. There are a lot of single combats with swords, plots and beautiful women...They even made some movies inspired by this book...

Tony smiled at him. Ducky knew him well enough to know that he loved reading a good book even if he prefered a good old movie...
-I think that you did come down there to talk about litterature? Did you have some news about Jethro?
-Not really but I talked to Abby and she had heard about Kelly a few years ago.
-Who is she?
-I think that Kelly was Gibbs' daughter. Abby had heard a conversation between Gibbs and his first wife and she had told him he had been the one responsible for her death...
-God... You think that they had a daughter and that she is dead?

Tony didn't answer, he could see that Ducky was thinking about he had said. The ME sat down still lost in his thoughts.
-It could explain many things.
-I think so, Ducky. But if it's true the last case must hve been hard for him. I've seen how he looked at this kid and his father... He seemed so sad but I couldn't at that moment understand why...
-Yeah! What do you intend to do now?
-I have to find him, Duck. If a part of this is true, he would need help from a friend.
-A friend?
-Sure, what else do you think he would need?
-Do I need to answer this question? I may be old but I'm not blind. I can tell that he means more than that for you...
-Are you sure you didn't talk to Abby lately?
-No, I didn't but we are your friends and we have eyes to see how the two of you act.
-I know Ducky but I didn't think I was so obvious...
-It's not only you, Anthony. Gibbs cares a lot about you and no matter what you think about him :he didn't act like that with everyone.
-Maybe, Ducky but for now he needs someone to tell him he is not alone. Someone who cares.
-You are right, Anthony. I only wanted to say that you would be the best for this job. Even if it would be difficult to make him accept your help.
-I know but I have to do it.

Tony took a chair in front of Ducky.
-I called an old friend who could find out about what happened to her.
Ducky frowned and Tony understood what the older man was thinking about.
-I know Ducky. He would probably kill me if he learnt that I investigated his past but there is no other way to know where and why he had left...
-Do you think he would be able to find something.
-If someone can Sean would be this one.

Ducky sighed. He didn't know if it was a good idea to search for informations behind Gibbs' back but had they other choices? He knew that Gibbs would never ask for help even if he obviously needed it. He had never seen him flee in front of difficulties before and it must have become unbearable for him to come to this end.

They were interrupted by the ring of Ducky's cell. As he looked down at his phone he was surprised to see that the call came from Gibbs. He showed the number to Tony before picking up.

Tony waited anxiously for the conversation to end. He was glad that Gibbs had called even if he would have wished to be the one he had called. Ducky didn't need him to insist on what question he had to ask him.

As the older man hung up Tony looked expectingly at him waiting for some news. He was worried to see Ducky's eyes. The ME seemed to be disturbed by the conversation he had just had with his oldest friend. Tony could wait for him to talk.

-What did he say, Ducky? Where is he?....
-He didn't tell anything useful for us but I can say that he is not fine at all, Anthony.
-Tell me exactly what he said!
-He said that he needed some down time to think about what he had to do.
-About what?
-That's what afraid me the most. When I asked him what he was talking about, he only answered that he needed to find out if it was still worth it.
-What??? It doesn't make sense at all!!
-Maybe not for us but ... it's Gibbs we are talking about. Did you ever heard him say something that was not meaningful in a way or another.
-The question is... What is he telling us? He didn't call you only to tell you nothing?
-I know, Anthony but I can't find out whathe had meant.

The two men stayed silent for long minutes without being able to find out what their friend had intended to tell. Tony stood up suddenly. He needed to do something. He had this strange feeling that he didn't have time to think and that he had to act quickly and find him before... What... he didn't know...but this urgent need to see by himself that Gibbs was safe.

-I'll call Sean to see if he had found something.
He took his cell and dialed for the second time the number of his friend.
-Hi, Sean. I know you told me you would call me back but I need these informations now!
-Tony! I understood when you called that it must be urgent so I made some calls and I was about to call you back.

Tony was worried to hear the tensed voice of his friend. He had heard this kind of tone before and it had never been a good sign.

-What's up, Sean?
-It's a sad story, Tony. Do you have a mail box safe enough so that I can send you the file.
-A file of what?
-Give me your adress first and then I will tell you what I know.
Tony gave him the address Ducky used on his computer.
-Okay, now tell me what you had learnt.
-You will have to read the file to know more but what my friend told me was that fifteen years ago, a young girl had been killed and his father badly hurt as they were fishing in a lake near Portland. It seems that someone shot both of them. I don't know the details but the man who fired was some kind of expert...

Hearing his friend Tony grew paler and sat back on the chair trying to process what his friend was telling him.
-Tony? Are you okay?
He needed a moment to realise that Sean was asking him a question.
-Yeah, Sure. What else?
-Well, the girl died instantly... a shot right through the head. The man had been luckier, if you can consider seeing your daughter die and survive your own child a chance. He stayed at the hospital for over two months.
-Did they catch the guy?
-No, but they found five months after a man dead near the same lake, shot the same way...When you know that the father had been a Marine snipper you can put pieces together.

Tony couldn't reply anything. Sean was right. Pieces were begining to take place but he was not sure he liked the picture that they were drawing. Tony looked at Ducky who was staring at the screen of his computer. The older was visibly disturbed by what he was reading on it.

-Thanks, Sean.
-I wish I could have given you some good news but this case had been awful. I talked to the cop who investigated and he told me that the mother had been unable to talk to him even five months later. But what had shocked him the most was the father. The man didn't show any emotion but he could tell that he was boiling inside. He was sure that he had killed the man found near that lake but he could proove it and didn't want to...
-Is there anything else in the file you just sent?
-You would find where it had happened exactly! May I ask you a question?
-Yes, sean. I know this man... the father I mean.
-I guessed. Tell me if you need anything. Killian, the cop in Portland, told me that Gibbs was a good man and he couldn't blame him for what he had done.
-Thanks again, Sean. Bye.
-Bye, Tony.

Tony turned to look at Ducky who hadn't moved. They didn't need to talk to know what the other was thinking. Tony had feared that he was about to discover a dark secret but what he had learnt today had been worse than anything he could have imagined.

He knew now why Gibbs had left. The last case had not been the only reason. Kate's death on that roof must have been the first wound. Then seing this kid with his father... Oh! God! If only he had known... He could have helped him.

Now Gibbs was alone somewhere, " trying to find out if it still worthed it". He could
understand now what Gibbs had meant and he was scared not to be able to find him before he came to the conclusion that he had nothing left...
He had to read the file and find where Gibbs was. He stood up but he realised that his head was spining and he sat back on his chair hiding his head in his hands.

Ducky placed a hand on his shoulder.
-We will find, Anthony. You will help going through it and give him a reason to fight.
-Will it be enough, Ducky. I can't imagine what it had been like for him to see his child die. And years later, Kate on that roof... I should have understood that something was wrong.
-You couldn't know and he didn't allow any of us to see how much it had affected him.
-Yeah, as always he kept everything inside and now he left us and I can't help being afraid that he may never come back to me...That he would never know that I love him...He was on the edge and I didn't see anything, Ducky!
-None of us did! I'm scared too Anthony. But we have to keep hope. He phoned me and I realise now that he needed to hear one of us. And I think it's a good sign, a sign that he may be searching for help.
-I hope so, Ducky...

They stayed for long minutes still thinking about their friend, trying to convince themselves that it was not too late to help him.

Chapter 4.
Alone on a beach.

He didn't know for how long he had been there but the sun was already going down behind the nearest trees. Time didn't mean anything since he had arrived here where his life had ended fifteen years ago.

He had thought he had gone through the worst and build a new life. But as always his nightmares had come back to him and he was now unable to bear the pain. Nothing had come to fill the emptiness she had left in his heart and in his soul.

He would have preferred dying on that beach with her but instead he had seen her die and heard his wife tell him it had been his fault. He had thought for a long time that she had been right but he'd realised later that he had had no control on the events.

He had taken the control when he left the hospital. He had hunted the man who had stolen his angel's life. It had not been hard as he knew who had done it. He didn't tell the cops, he had to do it himself. He had to see him die, to see his eyes when he would realise that he was about to be shot at... No long range shot. He wanted him to know who it was.

He had brought him here and shot one time. He had thought he would have felt relieved after that but not at all. Killing him in cold blood had not brought her back and what he had done, had begun to haunt him.
Did the death of his little girl justify taking the man's life?
He knew that everyone had understood it was him but noone had made any reproach. The cop in charge had interviewed him but he suspected that the man didn't even try to find prooves. It hadn't made it easier.

Since that day he had tried to bury it deep inside. He hadn't gone to his daughter's grave... He had tried some times but he was unable to face the fact that she was dead. He had kept her in his mind and heart. Thinking about her every day, writing cards for her birthdays...

He had kept her alive in a way but it hurt each time he was remembering a moment they had shared. He had learnt to live with this pain... It had helped him to feel alive again, as if it had since been the only feeling he could allow himself to experience.

Noone had been able to make him feel anything else... until lately. He still remembered the day they had met, the precise moment he had met his eyes...It had been so intense for him that he had been about to run away. It had taken him some time to understand what his feelings meant...the need to be close to him, to protect him.

He had first thought that he was only seeing in this younger man the one he had once been, his heir in a way. But it was more than that. Tony had become his anchor, the reason he needed to go on with his life.

He couldn't help thinking about him, hearing his voice, smiling at his childish jokes. He had surprised himself enjoying life for the first time in years...Each day away from him was a hell of loneliness where he spent days remembering what he had lost, what his life had been like.

He had understood it was love only a month ago when he had thought he was about to lose him because of a stupid bitch. He could still see him on this bed. The picture of his pale face, blue lips was one he feared to meet in his nightmares, the one which frightened him the most.

At first he had tried to do as he was used to doing with feelings... keep them somewhere well hidden. In a place they would not hurt. But he couldn't control them and had finally decided to enjoy what they had and dream about what they would never share....

He was doing good, playing with Tony his best role ever. It had been enough for him and as Tony was safe with him he was able to live. The younger man seemed to be oblivion to the fact that he had become as vital for him as the air he breathed.

It had helped him at first to think about Tony as a friend but he had soon hoped for more, thought about what it would be like to be more to him. He had spent nights thinking about the best way to tell him. In these dreams Tony loved him back...But they had stayed sweet dreams as he had never dared to talk to him. He always waited for a better time, another day then another...

It had ended on a Thursday afternoon on a roof when he had seen Kate's body fall on the ground...If he closed his eyes he could still see the events pass before him.
Her laugh...Tony's reply... the sound of the bullet going through her head...the echo of the shot, her body falling... the smell of blood....

Then everything around him had become too bright, too noisy as the walls he had build around his memories broke down allowing forgotten feelings to overwhelm him. He had acted on auto pilot for some days after that. He came to the office, did what he had to do to throw his friends off the scent but he was not living anymore...surviving... almost.

He knew that he would not be able to fool his friends for long but he didn't care. As if he was only waiting... waiting for the right moment to end it. He couldn't allow them to see who he really was because he couldn't face the truth himself.

He had left them believe he was grieving in his own way. But he had known since Kate's death that he was only giving them his last show. He couldn't pretend anymore...especially after their last case...

He had brought the little boy, doing with him what he had once done with Kelly. He had lived in the past for some hours... But he knew he would have to wake up sooner or later and he didn't want to.

Seeing this kid with his father had been one event too many. He had felt enough pain for one life time...This night when he had left the office he had looked at the place one last time, searching for a reason to come back here.

His eyes had stopped on Tony's desk and for a moment he had thought the younger man could be what he was looking for... But if he was honest with himself, they hadn't anything.
He was his boss and he doubted that Tony could ever see anything else in him. It was not enough to continue to suffer day after day...

He had thought about letting them a letter or something but how could he explain why he was leaving them, leaving his life. They would not understand because they didn't know... he had not allow them to know...

Maybe they would have helped him, Tony would have been there for him but he was not sure he would have accepted his help. It would have been so unfair for him. The only thing he had to offer him was a broken heart and a shattered soul.

The following morning he had left, taking nothing with him except for a photo and his weapon... the one he had been keeping in his nightstand for years. He had called Director Sheppard to inform her that he was taking some time off.

She had asked questions but he didn't answer. He didn't want nor need to justify himself especially in front of her. He had believed to find love with her years ago but it had only been an illusion. He had ended it and she seemed to blame him for that.

He had driven there straight. No need to waste more time. He had always known that when the day would come it would be here... it was the only place it would make sense... If there could be some sense in what he was about to do...

So, here he was... alone on that beach... looking at nothing through the growing darkness.

He could feel the reassuring weight of the gun in his right hand... his old friend...

He could see Tony's face, hear him laugh... He could hear a song he had been listening to while driving here...

*Good Bye my lover... Good Bye my friend... You have been the one... You have been the one for me...*

Tears were falling down his cheeks as he raised the gun...

*Good Bye my lover... Good Bye my friend... You have been the one... You have been the one for me...*



It had taken him more time than he had thought to find the little beach. He had found the name in the file Sean had sent him. He was sure he would find Gibbs here, at the exact place where Kelly had been killed.

He parked his car near the one Gibbs had used to come here. He was relieved that he had been right about this place.

He took his jacket and a flashlight before opening the door. The night was dark and he was walking slowly trying to see the lake.

Then he saw a flash of lightining in the night and he understood what it was when he heard the sound of a gun shot...

Authors notes: the song I talk about is from James Blunt " Goodbye My Lover"

Chapter 5.
Too late...?

A flash of lightining... the sound of a single shot... Tony could feel his blood freeze in his veins... He knew it was Gibbs and he had been too late... God... It couldn't be true... he couldn't have done that.

He couldn't end every thing like that... he had so many things to tell him... they had so much to share... Tony realised he was running, crying and yelling Gibbs' name at the same time.

He had run in the direction of the flash but he couldn't tell now were he had seen it. The only thought coming through his mind was that he had to find him. He had to take him in his rams, to feel his heart beat...

He was lost, lost into darkness... he was unable to find him. He wanted to scream but nothing was coming out of his mouth... So much pain, anger were running through his veins....

He knew he had lost him... he had been too late...

Gibbs would never know how much he meant to him....

He would never tell him how much he loved him...

He would never feel his arms around him, keeping him safe...

He would never feel his body against his... the weight of his love...

He would never be able to give him everything he had: his soul, his body, his life....

Tony realised he couldn't breath anymore. He was so cold inside...He was running to nowhere now, on the dark beach. All would end here... he wouldn't be able to go on without him...

His knees gave up under him ... all strength gone... Why Gibbs hadn'tanswered him... why hadn't he talked to him... he had always believed there was another way...

He could have helped him...

He could have shared his sorrow...

He could have drowned him in his love...

He could have love him until he was unable to think about anything else but him...

Why...?
They could have been happy, could have grown old together.

He would not find peace in death... Tony knew there was nothing behind the black curtain of life...it was a trap, had been for centuries... helping men dealing with their pityful lives...letting them think that they would find something better there...

But Tony knew there was only emptiness... loneliness... coldness...

Where are you my love?

Tell me you are still there... I need you...

I can't live without you...

He stood up gathering all he had left: his strength... his hope...the power of his love...

He ran to him...

To the man that meant everything to him, the only one who had made him feel alive...

He had to be somewhere, he knew he was still alive... because he would have known if he was dead. He would have felt it in his flesh, something would have happened...

The world couldn't have gone on as if nothing had happened if the love of his life had died tonight. The stars would have gone out... teh Earth would have stopped turning.
Life couldn't go on without Gibbs...

He ran to him...

He was alive... Off course...

He will bring him back home... Kiss him senseless... Love him all night long... and fall asleep on his chest listening to his heart beat... What a sweet music!

He would have given everything to hear it once more...

He ran to him....

But he couldn't find him.... Even in his worst nightmares he hadn't felt so lost...

If there was a God somewhere no matter what his name was... he couldn't let that happen... he couldn't let that man die here...

He ran to him...

And finally found him... he was there...
It was so dark here... he didn't dare to look down at him... He couldn't think that maybe...
No... he couldn't be...

Tony knelt on the sand... put a shaking hand on Gibbs' shoulder...
Please, wake up my Love!

He found his hand in the dark... he was still holding the gun tightly...

He let out a sob when he felt a pulse under his fingers....

Chapter 6.
Together on a beach

Tony could now feel his heart beat...steady and strong...
He had searched for wounds...running his hands over Gibbs' still body. But there was no blood, no injuries... Gibbs was only unconscious.

He had taken him in his arms, keeping him warm. He had been so relieved that he may have fallen asleep. When he opened his eyes the sun was already high in the sky.

Gibbs was still in his arms and when he looked down at him, he saw dark circles under his eyes. He didn't know exactly what had happened there but it had been close. He had been about to lose him and he knew that they would have a long way to make together.

But he was here now and he would stay by Gibbs' side no matter what the man would say or do to keep him away. He put a gentle hand on Gibbs forehead and couldn't help shivering at the thought of what he may have discovered if he had not change his mind...

The man in his arms began to move a moment later. Tony didn't release his hold... He couldln't let him go... never again.

-Hey, Jethro!
His voice was whispering to him, bringing him back to present.
-... Kelly...
-No, Jethro it's Tony. Kelly isn't here...
-Tony...?
-Yeah, boss. It had not been easy to find you but I'm here now.

Gibbs tried to sit but he realised he was in Tony's arms. He had not enough strength to fight against the younger man. So he stayed there, closing his eyes. Tony had found him, he had doubted for a moment that anyone would be able to come to him soon enough. He had thought he had no other choice...

Even then he hadn't been able to do what he had come for. He had been about to pull the trigger, the gun against his temple...when he had seen Tony's face in front of him...

He had seen his smile, the way he looked at him when he was searching for his approval or waiting for a slap at the back of his head.
The younger man had given him a reason to live one more day.

The only reason he had needed... because at that precise moment when he had lost all hopes he had been able to really see what he had been oblivion to until today.
He had seen love in Tony's eyes... it could only be that... but he had to be sure, he had to give him a chance...

-Jethro, Are you with me?
Gibbs gathered his courage and opened his eyes to meet Tony's gaze on him. The warmth and the relief he saw on his face brought back tears in his tired eyes. Gibbs sighed... he hated to feel so weak...

-You don't have to say or do anything. Just listen to me.
Tony placed a hand on Gibbs' cheek caressing softly his eyebrow.

-I know for Kelly... I know what happened there fifteen years ago...I know what you did...
-Tony... I'm so sorry...
-Nothing to be sorry for, Jethro... But you scared me... I thought I had lost you.
-I couldn't do it.
-I'm glad that you didn't do it. But why? I mean what make you change your mind?
-I saw you.
-But I only heard the shot ... You couldn't...
-No, I mean the only reason why I didn't pull the trigger was because of you. I couldn't go because it would have meant loosing you too.

Tony looked down at him and realised that Gibbs' feelings, even if they seemed still confused, were there strong and real.
-Why didn't you say anything before? I should have helped you.
-I couldn't Tony. I couldn't see what you mean to me.
-Tell me Jethro. Talk to me...

Gibbs rested his head on Tony's chest. He felt safe here. When he spoke again his voice was only a whisper.
-You mean everything to me, Tony. I love you so much...But I can't allow myself to feel such feelings...
-You can, Jethro because I love you too. We are together now... And don't tell me we can't because there is nothing more important than what we have. What we are for each other...

Tony let him some time to think about what he was telling him. He needed his trust, he wanted his love. But he was also aware that the man in his arms must be very confused at that moment.

Tony could almost hear Gibb's brain working. He realised that he was still stroking the older man's cheek. He was not sure if he was trying to reassure him or himself doing that.

-I don't know what I want, Tony. I know I love you but how can you love me? After what I've done?
-You didn't do anything different from what I would have done myself... I hope at least...
-What do you mean?

Tony was still looking at him... They had a lot to talk about but he didn't want to do it on that beach. Besides he needed to check that Gibbs was not injured.
-Where did you sleep last night?
-I rented a room in the hotel near the lake.
-Okay, let's go there so. You think you can walk?
-Not so sure about that!
-Let me help you.

Tony was glad to see him accept his help so easily. He realised that Gibbs was weak and that he had to almost carry him to the near building. As he looked he could see the lake, the woods on the other side... a lovely place.
As they reached the door of the room Gibbs had rented, the older opened it without even using the keys... Off course even when he was not home, Gibbs was unable to lock a door. Gibbs seemed to read his mind.

-I didn't intend to come back, Tony. I didn't need to lock the door.
The idea of what Gibbs had been about to do hit Tony once more.
-Don't say that, Jethro. There is always a reason to hold on to life.
-I finally found the one I needed not to end it tonight.

Tony helped him on the bed and realised he was shaking. He hadn't eaten since he had left NCIS last day... sleeping on a beach was not very restful too. But he couldn't think of himself now.
-Are you sure you are not hurt, Jethro?

Gibbs' blue eyes were unreadable for Tony when he looked up at him. He knew the older man was searching for something but he couldn't tell what.
-I'm not, Tony. I won't tell you I'm fine but I only shot at the lake.
-I guessed but I also know that was not what you had in mind when you decided to come here.
-Well. I wanted it to end Tony.

Okay it was high time to tell this man what he really thought about his behaviour.
-You wanted what to end, Jethro? Tell me exactly how you felt because I must say I can't understand why you left instead of talking to someone...
Gibbs didn't reply anything. He could hear the anger in Tony's voice and he knew he deserved it. He had not trusted his friends enough to let them help.

-I can understand why you didn't tell me but Ducky had been your friend for years... He could have helped you.
-I'm sorry, Tony... I didn't mean...
-What ? You didn't mean to hurt any of us... And committing suicide on that beach...? How were we supposed to react to that...?

Tony was now yelling and he could see that Gibbs was about either to punch him or break down and fall apart in front of him...
-What were we supposed to do with your death...? Do you really think that none of us would try to find you...?
-I don't know Tony.... I couldn't think about what and who I was leaving behind...
-Is it so easy for you to forget about the ones who cares about you...?
-No, I ddn't mean...

Tony sighed and looked directly at the man in front of him.
-Well, it seems that you didn't mean anything, Jethro... Tell me, what do you want now? What do you really want from me?
-I... I...

Gibbs was shaking, visibly agitated. His emotions were giving him a hard time and he was fighting to keep the control. Tony was amazed to see him trying to find the strength to push him away... Because he knew that was what he was trying to do.

-Tell me... One word and I'm out of here...
He knew he was playing a dangerous game but he was sure that Gibbs hadn't killed himself last night because he had hoped he would come and find him there... at least he was almost sure of it.
-What do you want to do, Jethro? Your choice here!

Okay, last act. It was so hard for Tony to see him like that but he had to do bring him over the edge ... before being able to really help him. Gibbs had to ask for him to stay, he had to do it by himself and for himself...

Tony stood up and headed to the door. He could almost feel Gibbs eyes on his back, he could almost sense the tension in his friend's silence. He had never done something so hard...
He put his hand on the handle... waiting for Gibbs to say something, to do something...

Please, Jethro, don't let me do that... don't do that to yourself... I love you , don't you see it?

He couldn't believe that Gibbs was about to let him go without saying a word... He opened the door and walked outside. He turned to close the door... He didn't wantto look at Gibbs but it was too hard not to look one more time at him....

He raised his head and stopped frozen by the sight before him... Gibbs hadn't moved but he could see tears running down his cheeks, spasms were making him shiver...

What have I done to him? I'm so sorry, love!!

Tony ran to him, stopped beside the bed hesitating to go any closer. Gibbs looked up at him his eyes almost pleading... telling Tony what words would never say.
-Please, Tony. Don't leave me !

Tony took the older man in his arms, rubbing his back and trying to ease the pain.
-I'm so sorry, Love. I would never have let you. I was only trying to ... I don't know what I was trying to do but I won't leave you I promise...
-I need help Tony. I can't go on like that....
-I will be here for you.
-Love you so much!

They stayed there wrapped in each others arms for long minute. Tony pulled back searching for Gibbs' tired eyes.
-We are together now, Jethro. I won't let you down no matter what we decide to do next.

They were so close... Tony could feel Gibbs' warmth against him. He closed the gap between them and brushed the older man's lips. The softness of the contact made both men shiver. Gibbs deepened the kiss as if he needed to feel in his flesh he was still alive.

Tony broke the contact and couldn't help smiling at the man in his arms. They had still a long travel to do. Gibbs would need time to recover but Tony knew now that they would be fine.
They had found each other.

Gibbs smiled back at Tony. He couldn't say right now that he was feeling better but he had spent fifteen years alone, grieving for what he had lost on this beach... And today he was not alone anymore...