Tony followed Gibbs mentally. He knew where this was leading.

„The first time."

He whispered. He didn't really understood what he was saying. It just came out.

„He called me Tim."

McGee said shocked and somehow it called Tony back into the room, into the country, yet back into the universe.

„He petted my back."

He'd been touched by Gibbs often. He was used to nearly every physical contact with Gibbs but not a pet on his back.

„He's been nice."

„Nice? I don't want him to be nice. He's not Gibbs when he's nice."

It was true. Leroy Jethro Gibbs was a lot of things, but not nice.

He knew everything had changed. Nothing would be as it was before.

Kate was dead, really dead. He had seen her die and washed her blood off his face, no way to deny it.

But worse than that was the great feeling of guilt rising in him now. The first thought he had on the roof was „not Gibbs".

It hadn't been Gibbs. It should have been Gibbs. At least that's what the other man thought and Tony knew that.






Tony's way home was lonely and he knew his night wouldn't be different. He didn't expect Gibbs to show up and didn't dare to get to him.

The way Gibbs looked at him or not looked at him. Tony never thought Gibbs could actually look through him but he did. It was as if Tony wasn't there, only DiNozzo. Neither was Tim, only McGee but Tim wasn't his lover for over a year.

For over a year he felt wanted, needed, just loved. Gibbs never said that but his actions spoke for him. It was enough, it was a lot. But now.

The way Gibbs looked through him told him „you're not what I need" and it hurt Tony like hell.

Tony needed Gibbs. He never admitted it before but it was just that way. He needed his lead on the team. And when he saw Gibbs lost he thought all his world broke down.

But he needed Gibbs in so many other ways. He needed him to be in charge in and outside the office. That last year was working because Gibbs kept it working but without his effort Tony didn't thought he could hold it.

And more than anything else he needed Gibbs to be there. Just be there. But he knew that that night, the following night and probably the night after that, Gibbs wouldn't be there. Gibbs wouldn't be there until Ari was dead and Tony didn't know if he could take it that long.

Sure as hell Tony thanked God that it wasn't Gibbs and he felt guilty because of that but an obsessed Gibbs was nothing better. Maybe even worse. Even if Ari died it wouldn't end. Gibbs had lost and Ari won, no matter who would survive their last meeting, and Tony knew only one would get out of it.



Tony sat down on his couch. He hadn't much time. He wanted Kate's murderer down, too. He had only left to change and he knew that sleeping didn't make sence, even if he was able to.




It was Kate's funeral. Now it was more than real. The final walk and no way, no matter how hard he tried, he could tell himself she would come back. He had seen her fall, lying in the morgue and her coffin. He couldn't look at her one last time, he just couldn't.

He stepped up to the open grave and let the red rose fall. Behind his back he heard the director say „you're late" and he knew Gibbs had finally arrived.

But now it was too late. Tony had made his decision. Gibbs wasn't there when he needed him and didn't asked for help, not really. He only did it as far as the job needed but more than that? And he wasn't there at the funeral when Tony needed him to be at his side, to give him strengh, strengh he didn't have.





Tony saw Gibbs‘ car parking in front of his building. The other man had told him he would come over since the forensic unit was still working in his basement.

The door opened and he saw that look in the older man's face. That look that told him „I did a good job, now I have time for you" but that wasn't enough for Tony anymore.

Not once Gibbs had asked him if he was ok or anything. Tony would have asked but he knew Gibbs wouldn't have given him a honest answer.

„Hey."

Gibbs said low. He had to do this now. Before Gibbs was close enough to touch, to feel.

„It's over."

It was nothing more than a whisper but Gibbs looked at him in shock. Somehow he knew that Tony didn't mean that nightmare with Ari.

„What do you mean? You can't end it!"

„Course I can! I do! You, you...I...I can't do this anymore, Jethro. You don't need me...you showed me good...You know, the way you looked at me, it hurt. You looked through me and...and I just wasn't there."

„Tony, it's been a hard time, Kate was your friend, too!"

„It wasn't only this time. There's always a case, a murderer, a terrorist. It's always like that! You don't see me until that one you're chasing at the moment is down and then you come back, just as if I'm your reward for good work."

„But that's good, I think! I mean it's good that I think of you as a reward!"

„No, it's not! You should think of me as much more. I don't wanna be the boy you fuck after a tough case. I wanna be the one who helps you through hose cases. The one you ask for help."

„I'm not somebody who asks for help, you should know that by now!"

„It's not only that. It's ok that we don't show our relationship in public and I certainly didn't expect a hug or a kiss, but a simple „are you ok?", I think that's something I could expect."

Gibbs didn't knew what to say. Deep inside he knew Tony was right. Maybe he would have lied only to keep the other man but Tony knew him too well. Gibbs knew if he would tell him he would change Tony would only laugh hollow.

Tony sighed and took off the bacelett Gibbs had given him for their anniversary, the first Gibbs had ever really celebrated happily, and looked at Gibbs.

„I want you to go."

He said and walked to the door.

„Tony..."

„No, Jethro. Nothing you say will change it. I know you love me now, that you care and that you want to make me happy. But when we're on a case, you're nothing of that, then you don't care what I feel or who I am, then I'm only DiNozzo, even at home."

Tony vanished through the door. Gibbs hated it. It was so metaphorical. He knew from this day on he would never see Tony again. Only DiNozzo.

End----Fin----Ende