Reasons to live



Tony stood on the bridge for hours, at least he thought so. He stood there, the wind rushing in his ears and his eyes focused on the horizon. It was only the next step. The logical consequence of his life. He had thought about it many times before but somehow he always had found a reason. There always was a reason to go on, even if this reason was only the hope that it would be better some day.

The first time he thought about it he sat in his bedroom the day of his mother's funeral. His father had forbidden him to come, he blamed his son for her death. And Tony did it, too. Of course, if he hadn't done the bullshit in school she wouldn't have driven so fast. If he hadn't pissed her off that much that she had thrown him out of the car to walk home he would have died, maybe instead of her.If he hadn't kissed that boy his life would have been different.

Twenty years later he knew that this kiss had made the difference. Maybe he wouldn't have realized that he loved men. Maybe he would have married, have a child or two. Maybe he wouldn't stand here only waiting for the last bit of courage to do the final step.

But more important than the reasons to do it were the reasons not to, the reasons he had always found. He had friends, yes, some of them he would even call good friends. And he had a good job, a job he really liked. But nothing of that really kept him from that. Nothing of that could take the feelng of lonliness and pain away, not permanently.

He closed his eyes and thought of the day he nearly died from the Y.Pestis. It was a good day, as strange as it sounds. He nearly died, it was a good feeling. The knowledge that soon it was all over. Yes, it hurt, it really was painful, all the coughing and everything. But the best was, he didn't die. Wierd, now he was standing there, about to kill himself and he thought it was good that he didn't die that day.

It was because of Gibbs. He rushed into the isolation past Doctor Brad and just told him that he wouldn't die. Tony believed him. Not that he fought more because of it. Not that it gave him any strengh. It just was a fact. Gibbs said he wouldn't die, so he didn't. The thing was, for a few days, Tony really thought Gibbs cared. He thought that maybe his feeling were mutual, at least partly.

But then Gibbs showed him nothing of that. It seemed that that moment, that moment when Gibbs was not only physically but emotionally close to him never happened. It was the day Kate died. Never Tony had felt so far away from the man he loved. Never he had felt more alone, more guilty. It, again, should have been him. She was young, she still had a life to live, he on the other hand, what was there he had to live for?

The day Kate was buried he dreamt of her. She said that she had showed him the way and he only had to follow. That it was easy.

For months he went on. Ziva seemed to replace Kate, but not for him. Maybe other people would say their relationships were alike since with both Tony was always bickering but he could tell the difference. With Kate it was always a joke, they never really insulted eachother or hurt eachother. Both of them knew how far they could go and they never crossed the line. In hard times they could count on eachother. With Ziva it wasn't like that. They were bickering, yes, usually it wasn't insulting but Tony wouldn't completely trust her, never, not like he trusted Kate because...she wasn't Kate.

Tony looked at his hands and saw the faint black on his fingertips. He had spent two days in a cell where he could do nothing but think about his life, probably that was why he was standing there. That and the fact that he knew he would never have what he wished for.

„I can't remember that I gave you permission to die!"

Tony sighed. He didn't need to turn around to see who it was. Who else would show up and simply forbid him to jump?

„You really have that talent to show up at the worst of times!"

„You think so, DiNozzo? I would say I have the talent to show up just in time!"

Tony shook his head. Why had he waited that long? Why didn't he jump already. Why didn't he jump right now that Gibbs is too far away to catch him?

„What the hell are you thinking, DiNozzo? I gave you an order and it still stands! You're not getting away that easily!"

Move your fucknig feet, DiNozzo! Just jump!

Gibbs saw that yelling didn't help. There were only about 15 inches between life and death and he certainly wouldn't be able to cope with the latter.

„What do you think I thought when I came to my desk and found your gun and your badge together with a letter? What do you think I felt when I read that you have killed yourself? You think you're that easily to replace?"

„Ha! Sure, you would be the first one to miss me!"

„I would be! Hell, Tony. You ever thought about the people you leave behind? What about McGee, Ducky, Abby? What about me?"

For the first time Tony turned his head to look at Gibbs.

„What reasons do I have to not do it?"

„What about your friends. Your job. Tony, I couldn't live with it! If you jump, I'll do it after you!"

Gibbs got to the railing and climbed over it.

„What the hell are you doing?"

Tony yelled his eyes full of fear.

„Tony, if you jump, I have no reason to live anymore! If you jump I'll jump, too!"

Tony looked at Gibbs then down at the ground and back to Gibbs.

„Why?"

„Because I love you, Tony! I love you with all my heart!"

Tony hesitated before he turned back to the railing and climped over it into the secure area of the bridge. Gibbs followed him quickly taking him into his arms tightly.

„Never do that again, Tony!"

He whispered and kissed him hard. When they seperated Tony looked deep into the other man's eyes.

„You wouldn't have jumped, would you?"

„Tony, your the only reason for me to live!"