Chapter 1
Mon ange.

Why had he accepted that? He didn't know why he had said yes when Ziva had asked him if he wanted to go out with them for dinner. They had never done that before but so many things had changed in the last months…Since Kate's death.

The loss of their co-worker, their friend had affected them. But after six months he was proud to say that they had found a new equilibrium in the team. It had been hard at first with Ziva. He had not been sure he could trust her but he must admit she had found her place. In a way, everything was back to normal.

The only one who didn't seem to be the same was Tony. His best agent had changed. Tony was still doing a good job…But the problem was that he was only doing his job. No more jokes or funny looks over his sun glasses. The only words coming out of his mouth were "On it, Boss!"…"Here is my report" or other work-related expressions. Gibbs was even surprised to see him here tonight.

Tony was only the shadow of the man he used to be and Gibbs must admit he was scared of what he could hide. He didn't know how to talk to Tony and make him tell him what was wrong. He could have asked the question directly but it was not Tony's boss who was worried, it was the friend…Ok, he was feeling more than friendship for his field agent but it was not the subject tonight. He was worried and he knew he had to find soon how to help Tony.

They were all sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Ziva and McGee were listening to one of Ducky's story smiling at the older man and he was looking at Tony on the other side of the table. The younger man was lost in the contemplation of what was inside of his plate. He had not eaten anything and this simple fact was so not like him that it would have been enough to make Gibbs even more suspicious.

-Where are you, Dinozzo?
Tony looked up at him and for a second Gibbs could see so much sadness in those eyes that he was about to stand up and take Tony in his arms. But the mask Tony was used to wearing was soon back and the younger man smiled before answering.

-I was only dreaming, Boss.
-So that's what you're doing when you're pretending to work?
Gibbs realized immediately he had said something wrong because Tony's smile froze. He had never been good at telling jokes and he should have known it was not the best thing to tell Tony.

-There's something wrong with my work, Boss?
Gibbs sighed…Definitely not the best way to make Tony talk. "Try to be nice, Jethro".
-No, Tony. There's nothing wrong with your work. But you don't seem to be yourself lately.
-Sorry, Boss. But I'm not really sure to understand.
-You are different…

Gibbs knew he was not clear but how could he explain to Tony he had spent the last day observing him. How could he tell him he had seen what the others had not even noticed because he knew him better than himself?
-Tony, tell me what's wrong.
-There's nothing wrong, Boss.
-You know you can't lie to me, Tony.

Tony was looking at him and Gibbs could see that the younger man didn't want to talk. If he needed a new proof there was something wrong with him, he had it in front of him. Tony was lying to him and he had never done that before. He was not very talkative when it came to his private life but he had never hidden something important to him before.

-Look, Gibbs. There's nothing wrong with me.
-You know I will find out what you're trying to hide.
There was no more sadness in Tony's eyes now…only anger. The younger man took deep breathe and Gibbs knew he was trying to take back the control of his nerves.
-You know what Gibbs? I don't care. Do what you want… If you have time to loose…

He had talked with a calm voice. He stood up turning to talk to Ziva, McGee and Ducky who had not heard one word of the exchange.
-I'm sorry but I need to go back home. I will see you tomorrow.
-You're sure you don't want a dessert, Tony. I've heard they made a wonderful chocolate cake…
-No thanks, Ziva. It will be for another time. I have to go.

Tony didn't even look back at Gibbs, took his jacket and walked to the door. Gibbs was lost in his thoughts and he had not realized the other three were looking at him.
-What?
The only one who dared saying something was Ducky. The ME had never been afraid of him and had always told him exactly what he thought. That's probably why, after all those years, Ducky was still his best friend. The one he talked to.

-What have you said to him to make him go so fast?
-Nothing…I …
-Jethro, it had taken days to make him accept to come with us. You are aware that Anthony is not doing well lately. We had thought that going out for dinner would be a good idea. And you…
-I didn't do anything wrong, Ducky.
-So tell me why Anthony felt the need to go away from you so fast…

Gibbs remained silent. He had not understood that his friends were also worried about Tony. He had thought he had been the only to notice a change in his behaviour and now he had upset him. How could he be so stupid?
-I'd better go after him and try to talk to him.
-No, Jethro. I think you've done enough for tonight. You'd better take a coffee, go back home and try to think a little about what you have to do now.
-I don't what's wrong with him, Ducky and he won't talk to me.
-I know Jethro. He won't talk to any of us either. But we have to find a way to help…

Ducky looked straight at him before saying the next words…
-We've already lost Caitlin…I won't let Anthony go away from us even if I have to do it alone.
-You think he could…?
Gibbs didn't finish his sentence. He could not say the words he had in mind. Ducky didn't answer but he didn't need to. Gibbs could see his answer written on his friend's face. Ducky's eyes were reflecting his own fears.


Tony had walked straight to his car realizing only minutes later that he had turned in the wrong street. He was so tired he could not think clearly. He didn't know why he had reacted so badly at Gibbs questions. He knew his boss was worried…his friend were worried. Even McGee was trying to be nice with him. But he didn't want to talk to them. They didn't need to know, it was his private life.

He knew feeling angry was stupid but he could not control it. His friends were not responsible for what was happening and there was no need to feel angry because they were trying to know. But Gibbs, asking him tonight what was wrong and telling him he could find out what he was hiding, had been too much for him.

He finally found his car and drove back to his apartment. He knew what he would find here and like every night he could feel his fears coming back to him. Would it be the last night? Would he hear his voice calling him or only the silence? It was becoming harder to come back home every night and wonder what he would find here.

He parked his car in front of his building and opened his door. There was light coming out of his bedroom's window. He smiled at the thought of the time he had spent trying to make those new lamps work correctly. He sighed heavily trying to let his fears go out and walked to the stairs.

Two minutes later he was searching for his keys in front of his door. When he entered his apartment he could hear the soft music coming from his bedroom.
-I'm back home…
His heart began to beat faster when he heard no response. He walked slowly to his bedroom, praying silently. He stopped at the door and smiled.

He was only sleeping…he could see his chest coming up and down with each breath. He walked to the bed and lying at his side, he carefully took the other man in his arms.
-It's you Tony?
Tony smiled as he heard the sleepy voice.
-Who else…? You had other visitors today…?

The other man opened his eyes. Tony had always thought he could get drowned in those eyes…so blue, so bright…But today the only thing he could see in those eyes were tiredness and fear. He would have done anything to give this man more time…to give them more time. But he didn't want to think about it tonight. He wanted to savour this moment. He closed the gap between them and brushed lightly his lips.

-I see you didn't answer my question…
-Matt Damon came a little earlier but I told him I was waiting for the man of my life to come back…
-Matt Damon…?
-Why not?
-You're right…why not…So how was your day?
-I read, wrote a new story…and slept a lot.
-Good. Can I read your story?
-It's not finished yet but you'll be the first to read it and probably the only one.

Tony didn't like the sound of his voice. He had said the last words but so much sadness…but he could not blame him.
-What have you done today, Special Agent Dinozzo?
-The same as every day…Filling papers, being yelled at by my Boss…
-I see but you love that…Did he slap you today?
-No, I gave him no reason to do it today. But I could have done it to him tonight.
-Dinner was not good?
-It was good but I was a little distracted.
-Why that?
-I missed you. I wanted to be here with you more than anything else.

The other man didn't say anything for a long moment and let his head rest on Tony's chest. They both loved those simple moments shared after a long day. They didn't need to talk…everything had already been said. They knew that they were running out of time and they didn't want to waste it.
-I missed you too, my sweet love.
-You can go back to sleep now. I'm here.
-I love you.
-I love you too, mon ange.

Chapter 2.
Bran.

The next morning, Tony woke up early. When he opened his eyes, he could see no light coming from outside. He didn't have to go to the office today. For once he had his entire week end off. Tony didn't move. He didn't want to wake up the man who was still asleep in his arms. He looked down at him and was amazed to see him so relaxed. He almost looked like a child and Tony wanted nothing more than to protect him.

But he could not protect him from what was eating his body from the inside little by little. They had been friends for years before becoming more and he had never seen him so fragile. He could still remember the day he had knocked at his door telling him he needed help. They had talked all night long, they had cried. Tony could still feel the tears in his eyes as he thought about this discussion, about the words that had hit him like punches.

And here they were, six months later. Tony didn't regret anything. He loved this man; he had loved him for years. You never forget your first love. But the man in his arms was not really the same he had fallen in love with years ago. So many things had happened. His heart and his soul were still the same but he seemed so tired and fragile today.

Tony smiled at the thought of the first time they met. They were in the same class at school. Tony was new in this school and he had tried to impress the others. The only thing he had won was that they'd preferred ignoring him. He had tried to be brave and convince himself he didn't care but this day as he was watching them play basket ball he had difficulties to hold back his tears.

That's when he had seen this guy walk to him. He didn't know his name but he knew he was two years older than him and was in his English class.
-Hey, wanna play with us? One of our players is sick…
Tony knew he must look stupid, on his bench holding his breath.
-Close your mouth and tell me yes or no…
-Sure…
-Cool. My name his Bran…Brandon Christopher.
-Anthony Dinozzo but my friends call me Tony.
-Cause you have friends…?

Tony had been about to reply something and go back to his bench but when he looked at this guy he saw a big smile on his face. And he was right; he had no friend…for now.
-Welcome in our team…Tony.

They had spent the next ten years together. They had become best friends and a little more a night after Tony's 17th birthday. Tony would never forget this night. He had discovered in Bran's arms what being loved could mean. After that night he had cherished every little moment they had spent together knowing it would not last. No one could love him for long. But Bran had stayed with him giving him the best years of his life.

After University they had gone separate ways. They had stayed in contact but they needed to build their own life. They had been so close for ten years that no one had ever seen one without the other. It had been hard at first. Tony had never felt so lost but he had also found a new freedom.

They had not seen each other for almost five years the day he had knocked at his door. But now they were together again. The moment he had taken him in his arms Tony had realized nothing had changed. He had never stopped loving him. Their love was even stronger today.

-A penny for your thoughts.
-I was only thinking of the day we met…You remember that basket ball game?
-Yeah…we lost…
Tony laughed. Bran had always taken sport too seriously even when he was a kid.
-It was the best game I've ever played…
-You're kidding.

Bran was now sitting on the bed. Tony knew he should not have talked about basket ball but he loved seeing him so happy. It was not so often.
-You didn't even know how to catch the ball. You almost sprained your ankle.
-Yes and you yelled at me the entire game…
-You're right. That was great.
They both laughed but Bran began coughing. Tony helped him on the bed and put a pillow under his head. He hated seeing him in pain. The cough stopped and Bran closed his eyes.

-You want some water?
Bran shook his head.
-Water won't help, Tony.
-I wish I could do something to help.
Bran put a hand on his arm.
-You're helping me every day, Tony. You opened your door this night and let me cry on your shoulder. You were the only one I could talk to. I knew you would understand without judging me. I only wanted to talk and you offered me so much more.
-But it's not enough…it's not enough…

Tony closed his eyes trying to hold back the tears. He didn't want to cry; not in front of Bran. He had spent night crying, hidden in his bathroom but Bran didn't need to see his tears. He had enough to deal with. When he opened his eyes again, Bran was looking at him.
-You don't have to be strong in front of me, Tony. There's no need to hide from me.
-I don't know what you're talking about.
-You think I didn't hear you cry all those nights. You think I don't see the sadness in your eyes. I'm dying Tony but I'm not blind. I've known you for twenty years…
-Please don't say that.

Bran pulled him closer. Tony let his head rest on his lover's shoulder.
-Why, Tony? It's the truth. I know you don't want to hear it but you will have to face it sooner or later…My sweet love…I wish I could make it easier for you. I wish I'd had the strength not to come here this night and just go away.
Tony could not talk. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him and that he would never accept his death. That it was too unfair…but nothing came out of his mouth except a sob.

-You are allowed to cry, Tony. There's nothing wrong with that. You have the right to feel sad and angry.
For the first time in years Tony let go. He let his heart bleed, he let his anger go out. The hot tears that were now running freely from his eyes had been hold back for too long. His best friend, the man he loved was dying and he could not face it, he was unable to even think about it.
-You remember your 17th birthday?
Bran didn't wait for a reply. His hand was caressing Tony hair and the soft contact had been enough to bring back sweet memories.
-I don't think I've ever told you about that. I knew your parents had prepared a party and I also knew they were not really happy to see me there. I don't think they liked me a lot…

Tony could not help laughing at this statement.
-Bran, my parents hated you.
-"Hate" is probably a too strong word…
-Oh no. Believe me they hated you …Well… they hated me too.
Bran kissed Tony's forehead. It had happened years ago but the wound was still open and painful for him.
-Ok, you're probably right. I spent hours trying to find what I would wear for your party. My mother was going nuts. She knew how much I loved you. I think she had realized it even before me.
-Your mother was a great woman.
-I'm happy she and dad are not here today to see me like that. It would have broken their heart.

Tony put his arms around him. Bran had lost his parents in a car accident years ago.
-I'm sure she would have been proud to see you fight so hard.
-She once told me she only wanted me to follow my heart and don't listen to people who would say I was wrong.
-And that's what you did…
-Yes, especially that night. When I entered your house, the only person I could see was you. You were there in the middle of the room, talking to this girl and my heart missed a beat. You were wearing a white shirt, black trousers…And when you turned and looked at me…this smile made my heart melt.

Tony looked up at him. They had talked about this party many times but Bran had never sounded so nostalgic.
-You had never told me that.
-A guy can keep his secrets. I was dreaming of you for nights. In my dreams you were smiling at me like that and here you were. There was no one else in this room; you were the only one I could see.
-When I first saw you, I thought you were feeling bad. You were as white as sheets.
-I was only in love. It has never changed Tony. Every time I see you, my heart begins to beat faster; I can't control what I feel.

Tony kissed him. He was not as good as him with words but he could show him what he was feeling. He put all his love in this kiss.
-I love you so much, Tony. I should not have let you go away from me. So many things would have been different.
-I'm sorry too, Bran. I should have been here for you. I should have protected you from what happened.
Bran put a hand on his face, touching lightly Tony's lips with his thumb.
-There's nothing you could have done Tony. I've asked myself so many times why…but there's no answer to this question.
-It's so unfair…

Bran smiled sadly at his lover. He knew what Tony was feeling. He had felt the same a long time ago, crying on himself, trying to find the reason why…why it'd happened to him. He had lost a lot of time trying to find the answer, a lot of time being angry. But he realized he was only wasted precious time. He could not go back in time and erase that moment. It had happened and now he had to live with it…with this thing running through his veins.

He had wanted to stay hidden at first and wait for death but he had to fight and show himself he was able to live his life. The first person he had thought about had been Tony but it had taken him years to go and see him for real.
He had dreamt of this moment many times. He would knock at his door and Tony would smile at him like this day in his parents' house. And everything would be all right…

It was a dream but, this night Tony had opened his door and smiled at him. He had listened to him and said nothing. Bran had never been so afraid. If Tony had thrown him out, he would have had nothing left. He had already planned his death but he wanted nothing more than live. And Tony had opened his arms and hold him tight for long minutes before he allowed himself to cry.

-Maybe Tony. But no one can change what happened. I was the only one who could have done something to avoid it and I let it happen.
-It was not your fault.
Bran smiled. They had had this discussion so many times that he would have been able to say the words Tony was about to say. He knew it was not his fault but he could not help feeling guilty. He also knew Tony would not understand so he would agree with him this time.

There were things he could not explain even to the man who knew him better than anyone else. Things he was the only to know deep inside. He had never seen it as a punishment but life has his own way to remind you of your mistakes. Tony could not understand that and it was probably better for him.

-You're right; it was not my fault…You know what?
Tony knew this look. When they were kids he had called it the look "we're going to be in trouble again". Bran was always the first to try things and most of the time it was stupid things. And Tony had always followed him.
-Tell me.
-I was thinking we could go out for breakfast. I want muffins and a black coffee…
-You're growing old…I thought you had something more dangerous in mind…
-Like what?
-I don't know. You've always been the one who imagined new games.
-Today, I only want to be with you, holding your hand in front of a black coffee.
-I want to be with you every day…every minutes of the day…
-You know we can't do that. I can't follow you to NCIS office and hold your hand while you're talking to Gibbs.

Tony laughed at the thought of the look on Gibbs' face.
-I'm sure it would be funny.
-We should do that one day. But for now I want my muffins and my coffee.
-I see you don't mention me anymore…nice.
Bran found the perfect way to make him shut up and when they broke the kiss they were both breathless.
A smile on his face Tony walked to the bathroom and took a shower. It would be a good day but it was not enough. They could not spend more than a few hours together in a week. He wanted to spend more time with Bran. He had been thinking about it for days but he had made his decision. Monday morning he would go to
Sheppard's office and ask for a leave.

Chapter 3.
Sunday.

Sunday evening…Tony loved these moments. It was not late but it was already dark outside. Bran and him had spent a nice day talking, walking hands in hands. They were now on Tony's couch; Bran was in his arms asleep. He would have given anything to be able to have more time with him. They had once talked about what their life together could be. They had made plans and hoped for the best.

But nothing of what they had planned had happened. They wanted to get married, to raise a family and grow old together. Instead of that, Bran had been attacked and abused…He had not talked a lot about it but Tony had read between the lines and saw the truth behind the words. He had not needed to hear Bran say it to understand what had really happened.

He wished Bran had told him his name…the name of the monster that had done that to him. He didn't know what he would have done with it but he would have found a way to make him pay. This man had killed Bran…He had not used a gun or a knife but the result will be the same. Tony had never hated someone like he hated this man.

Bran began to move in his arms…another bad dream. Tony held him tighter whispering reassuring words in his ear. He wished he could erase those bad memories from his lover's mind. He wished he could give him the life he deserved but they didn't have a life time…they only had a few months.

-Tony…?
-I'm right here, Mon Ange.
-Don't leave me…
-I won't leave you…You remember that promise we made years ago?

Bran laughed at the memory.
-Tony…We were 12 years old.
-I know but it doesn't mean it was not serious. I promised you this day that I will always be here for you…that we were brothers and nothing could keep us apart.
-I remember…And I made the same promise to you.
-No matter what happens I will be with you and you will be with me.

Bran closed his eyes savouring the warmth of the arms around him. He could have stayed there for the rest of his life. It was the only place where he had always felt safe. Tony had always been the only one able to make him feel loved and secure. It had always been easy between them; they didn't need to talk or explain things.

They were still on the couch talking lightly when someone knocked at the door of the apartment.
-You've invited someone to dinner?
-Nope.
Tony stood up and walked to his door. When he opened it he stayed frozen for a moment searching what he could say. In front of me, there was Gibbs. His Boss was the last person he would have expected at his door on a Sunday evening.

-Sorry to bother you Tony… but I think we need to talk.
Gibbs needed to talk to him. Tony was not sure it was a good idea after what had happened the last time they had talked. He was thinking about telling him what he really thought but you can not tell your boss to go to hell.
-Sure, come in.

Bran stood up when Gibbs entered the living room. He had never met Gibbs before but Tony had so often talked about him that he had the feeling he knew the man in front of him. Tony was standing next to Gibbs and Bran could see the tension in his friend's shoulders.

-Bran…this is my boss…Special Agent Gibbs. Gibbs…this is Bran…
Gibbs noticed Tony had not said who this man was for him but he would not have believed him if he had said "he is a friend". Years of practice in interviewing suspects had taught him how to read body language.

While speaking Tony had moved to Bran's side and even if he was not touching him he had visibly a protective attitude toward him.
-It's a pleasure to meet you Agent Gibbs.
Something in the younger man's attitude was bothering Gibbs. He didn't know what it was… In fact he was well aware of what it was.
This man and Tony were obviously very good friends and probably more than that. It was easy to understand what was bothering him…He was jealous.
He shook the Bran's hand trying to smile but he only managed what must have looked like a grin.

-What can I do for you, Boss?
-I think we have things to talk about…
Bran placed a hand on Tony's arm.
-I think I'm going to take a nap before dinner.
-You're ok?
-I'm just tired, Tony. And you two need to talk.

Gibbs was looking at the two men amazed to see so much tenderness in Tony's eyes. It was obvious they were more than friends. Gibbs' last doubts vanished when Tony put a hand on Bran's face and kissed him softly. He tried to look away but he could not move.

-I will wake you up for dinner.
Bran turned back to Gibbs.
-I hope to meet you again soon, Agent Gibbs.
With those words he walked to the bedroom…to Tony's bedroom. Gibbs knew something had changed in Tony's life and he had come here to find out what it was. He had not expected that…

-What's wrong, Boss?
Gibbs didn't miss the ironical tone of Tony's voice when he said the same words he had himself used two days before. Well, he had deserved it. What could he say now?
-I wanted to apologize for what I said at the restaurant the other night.
That was new…Gibbs was apologizing. Tony was not sure how he should react now. It was not really like Gibbs to apologize even when he was wrong.
-Ok, Boss. If that's all…I have a dinner to cook.

The younger man didn't really want to go on with this discussion…not here and not now. He knew Gibbs had thousands of questions to ask but he didn't want to justify himself especially in front of him.
-No, Tony. That's not all.
-Why doesn't it surprise me?
Tony sat heavily on the couch. He knew that no matter what he would say Gibbs would ask his questions and that he would wait for answers.

-So…What do you want to know?
-Who is Bran?
Tony laughed. You could always trust Gibbs to go straight to the facts. He was not a man to waste time with details.
-I'm sure you had already guessed, Special Agent Gibbs.
-Yes but I wanted you to tell me.
-Why? It would make it easier to understand for you if I say it. Ok…Bran is my lover. We've known each other for years. Is there anything else you need to know?
-To be honest…yes.

Tony knew this discussion would not be easy but he had no intention to let Gibbs judge him.
-What's the problem, Gibbs?
Gibbs stood up and Tony could tell he was getting angry. He had seen him like that before and had always wished never to be the one he was angry at. But tonight he didn't care. If Gibbs was not ok with his relationship with Bran he would let him yell and tomorrow he would ask for a change of team.
-You're asking me what the problem is. I can't believe that.

Tony stood up too.
-Look Gibbs. Bran and I are doing nothing wrong and if it bothers you…fire me, punch me…do whatever you want…I don't care. But I would never let you or anyone else do something that could hurt Bran.
-You don't understand Tony.
Gibbs was now facing him and Tony realized he was very close.
-Yes it bothers me to see you with him…But not for the reason you think…

Gibbs walked away from Tony. He could not stay too close to him. He knew he had to tell him but he could not find the words.
-Tell me why it bothers you then…
Tony could see that Gibbs was not really at ease with the discussion but it was him who had come here to talk. Tony had no intention to make it easier for him.
-You find it shocking to see two men in love, Gunny?

Tony had used those words to hurt Gibbs, to make him react but the older man didn't move and when he talked his voice was calm and clear.
-You could not be further from the truth, Tony.
-So tell me the truth Gibbs. What's wrong? Why did you come here tonight?
Tony sighed when he realized Gibbs would not answer his questions. He had no time to waste with him tonight.

-Look Gibbs, I think you'd better go now. I think we have nothing more to say. I won't try to make you change your mind…
Gibbs was still looking at him and Tony didn't know what to do now. He was walking to the door to indicate Gibbs he wanted him to go when the older man caught his arm. Tony looked up at him and was frozen when he saw Gibbs' eyes filled with desire. He knew he should go away from him before something happens…something they would both regret.

But he could not move…He could not look away from those blue eyes. His heart was beating fast and when he felt Gibbs lips on his he closed his eyes. Gibbs was kissing him in the middle of his living room. It took him a few seconds to realize Gibbs had broken the contact. When he opened his eyes, Gibbs had already turned his back on him and was opening the door. Tony wanted to call him back, to ask him for an explanation but he could not say a word. He only heard the sound of his front door when Gibbs closed it.

Chapter 4.
One heart…two loves.


Tony h ad stayed for long minutes in the middle of his living room after Gibbs had left. He had kissed him…his boss had kissed him. He didn't know what to think about it. He had expected him to react violently, to yell at him. He had even thought he would fire him but that kiss had been a complete surprise.

He had forgotten about everything else…the dinner he was supposed to cook, Bran in his bedroom. He was still trying to clear his mind on what had just happened when he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to face Bran who was walking to him a worried look on his face.

-What happened Tony? You seem a little lost…
-I wish I could tell you what happened but I'm not sure to know it myself.
Bran smiled at him and wrapped his arms around Tony's waist. He kissed him lightly and rested his head on Tony's shoulder. The following words were said in a whisper but Tony heard them well.

-He loves you Tony. There's nothing wrong in that.
Tony could not believe what he had just heard. How Bran could have known that? How could he tell him it was not wrong?
-What…? How…?
Bran broke the contact and walked to the couch where he sat. He didn't seem to be angry or disappointed.

-It's easy Tony. I just looked at his eyes.
-And you saw that he loved me in his eyes. Gibbs is the most secret man I've ever met and you're able to say that only by looking at his eyes.
-I think I saw what you've refused to see for years. It was the first time I saw him but I can say by the way he was looking at you…and me… that you are more than a co worker for him.
-I…well…

Bran laughed at Tony's visible embarrassment. He had always been amazed by his friend. Tony was not aware of the way people were looking at him. He loved playing a role, pretending to be a Don Juan but it was only a mask he was wearing. As far as he could remember Bran had always seen him trying to find love… real love. The love his parents had been unable to give him.

-Tony, it's ok.
-It's ok…? That's all you have to say. You knew what Gibbs wanted to tell me…what he wanted to do… and you left me with him…?
-You were not in danger, Special Agent Dinozzo.
-That's not what I'm saying. You know what I mean…you're not…?
-Jealous…? Of course I'm jealous Tony. I love you and this man loves you too.

Tony sat on the couch beside him.
-I'm lost here Bran.
Bran turned to face him cupping his cheek with his hand. There was only tenderness in his eyes…and nothing else Tony identified as sadness.
-I love you Tony. You know that…with all my heart and my soul. You've stolen years ago.

Tony smiled at him thinking of the first time they had kissed. This simple kiss had opened his eyes on what he really wanted to live. Bran had showed him that he could be loved.
-But we have not much time to spend together…
-Don't say that please.

Tony had closed his eyes. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to even think about it. He didn't want to think of a life without Bran.
-Tony, you know I'm right. I won't be here for Christmas…
Tears were now running from Tony's eyes. Christmas was only in 7 months…He needed more time…They needed more time.

-You don't know that, Bran…
-I know Tony and you know that too…And I don't want you to stay alone after…I want you to live your life…to find love.
-I won't do that. I don't want to…I love you.
-I know you don't want to think about it for now but I want you to remember this discussion when I'm gone. Remember those words Tony.
-You can't ask me to do that. I won't be able to live without you.

Bran placed his two hands on Tony's face.
-Listen to me carefully, Tony. Don't dare saying that…I won't let you say that. You have all your life to live. You will love again…
-I can't…I won't…I want to stay with you…I want us to be together forever.
-I will always be here with you. You will have all the moments we've spent together.
-I won't love anyone after you…

Tony was surprised by Bran's laugh. He had not intended to be funny.
-Can you answer a simple question, Tony? Please take a minute to think before answering. What have you felt when Gibbs kissed you?
-How do you know?
Bran put a finger on Tony's lips.
-I said take a minute to think about it.

Tony closed his eyes trying to remember what he had thought when Gibbs' lips had touched him. It was hard to describe with words. He had been confused at first. But the tenderness of that kiss had surprised him.
Bran could see that Tony was confused by the question and by his feelings.

-You should try to think about what this man really means to you. It's not easy for me. I won't lie and tell you I'm ok with it. But I can see that you have feelings for him and in a way it's a good thing.
-I love you Bran. You know that. Gibbs is my boss and he can't love me. It's impossible.
-Why…?
-Because of rule number 12…

Bran gave him a puzzled look and waited for Tony to explain him what was this rule.
-Gibbs has his own rules…rules he had tried to teach every member of his team. The number 12 says that intimate relationship between co workers can't work. Even if he had feelings for me, Gibbs would not do anything about it.
-Even a man like him can realize when he is wrong, Tony. I've seen the way he looked at me. He had come here tonight to tell you something important for him and he found me here. I think you should have a talk with him about it.

Tony didn't reply and took a moment to think of what had happened in the last two days. The discussion they had at the restaurant and the way Gibbs had talked to him. Tony had first been angry at him. But he had realized Gibbs had done that out of concern. The older man was worrying for him and he must admit he was feeling flattered by Gibbs' interest.

-You're right. I think I should talk with him.
-Cool. Finally after almost 20 years you begin to listen to what I say. I thought it would never happen…
-I always listen to you…The thing is that, most of the time; I only choose not to do what you say…
Bran slapped him at the back of the head. Bran was to used to doing it since they were kids and when Gibbs had done it to him the first time he had been about to slap him back. It would have been funny to see his reaction…Funny was probably not the right word.

-Ok, I deserved it but I only told the truth…
-You should stop here Tony…
-You're right I have a dinner to cook and I don't want to sleep on the couch tonight.
They spent the rest of the evening talking lightly but Tony could not help thinking of Gibbs, the way he had kissed him. It had been so easy to let him take the control of the situation. He could have pushed him away but he had not done that. He had kissed him back and now he was wondering why he had done that and what it really meant.

He was not so sure now that asking for a leave would be a good idea. He had things to talk about with Gibbs first. The problem was that he didn't know how to do it.
He had many questions to ask him but he was not sure to want to hear the answers. He needed to be with Bran and only with him and Gibbs was only making the situation more complicated and confused.


The next morning Tony was the first one to enter the office. He knew that Gibbs would be here soon and he needed to think before talking to him. He didn't know what he had to think about…He had spent the night thinking and he was still not sure what he would tell his boss…
He was still lost in thoughts when he heard the doors of the elevator open. He could smell coffee from his desk and knew before seeing him it was Gibbs. He was not ready to face him. If he closed his eyes he could still feel Gibbs' lips on his.

-Are you ok, Tony?
Tony had not realized he had closed his eyes. Gibbs was standing in front of him, looking at him with concern.
-I'm fine, Boss.
-You don't look so fine to me.
-I didn't sleep well last night.
-Your boyfriend is keeping you awake…?
Tony hated the tone of Gibbs' voice. He looked up to his boss. Gibbs was smiling at him but that smile froze him.
-It's none of your business, Gibbs. And I would be glad if you kept your opinion on my private life for yourself.

Gibbs was still looking at him but he had lost his smile. Tony knew it was not the best way to begin the discussion they needed to have but he could not let him say such things in the middle of the office.
-I think we should continue this conversation elsewhere.
-I must agree with that, Boss.
-Ducky won't be here this morning. We could use his lab.
-Great…A morgue is a nice place to talk…
-Not nice but discreet.

Tony followed Gibbs to Ducky's repair. The older man was visibly tensed and worried about Tony's reaction but he would never let anyone see it. Tony tried to see him with Bran's eyes. As if he didn't know him and he saw what his lover had meant. Gibbs was hiding his feelings but they were here. He could now see insecurity in those blue eyes and tenderness when he was looking at him.

As they entered Ducky's lab, Gibbs turned to face him placing a hand on his arm.
-I didn't mean to hurt you with that comment. It was stupid to say that.
-Yes it was, Gibbs.
Tony had decided to let him lead the discussion and see what would happen. He walked to one of the autopsy table and sat there waiting for Gibbs to say something. The older seemed to be searching for words.

-Is it really serious between you and this man? I mean I know you're friends but is he more than that…?
Tony could not believe what he had just heard.
-What do you want to know, Gibbs… if there's a place for you in my bed?
-That's not what I asked.
-I heard the words you said but I also understood what they meant.
-You know what, Tony…Forget about it…

Tony walked to him looking him straight in the eyes.
-No Gibbs. I don't want to forget about it. You went to my apartment, acted with Bran as if he was a suspect, kissed me in the middle of my living room and left without a word. I need to know why you did that.
-I wanted to apologize for what I said in the restaurant.
-Nice way to apologize, Gibbs. But I don't buy it.

Gibbs walked away from Tony. He was not the Boss anymore; Tony was trying to make him say things he didn't want to say…not now…not here.
-Why have you done that, Gibbs? You wanted to see what it was like to kiss another man? You wanted to hurt Bran? Tell me because I don't know what to think.
-I just wanted to show you what I was feeling.
-And what are you feeling, Gibbs? Because it was not clear for me.

Tony placed his hands on Gibbs' shoulders trying to make him look at him. He knew the older man was trying to find a way to escape. But he needed answers and he would do what he had to do to get them.
-What did you want to tell me, Gibbs? What did that kiss mean?
Gibbs was looking at him as if he didn't understand what Tony was saying. The younger man was beginning to worry when he heard not words coming from Gibbs' open mouth.

-Talk to me, Gibbs. Please…
Tony met him go but Gibbs didn't move. The older man seemed to be frozen. He could not decide what to do. Telling Tony what he really felt for him when he was already engaged with someone else would be dangerous for him. But he needed to say those words. He needed Tony to know what he meant to him.

-I'm sorry, Gibbs. I should not have asked…You're right; we'd better forget about it.
Tony was walking to the lab's door when he heard Gibbs say something. The words had not been said loud enough for him to hear. He turned to look at Gibbs who had still not moved. He waited there for what seemed long minutes. He could not ask him to repeat but he could not go away now…

-I love you, Tony.

Chapter 5.
Promise.


He had waited until the elevator door had closed behind him before hitting the red button and sitting on the floor his head in his hands. It could not be true, he would soon wake up in his bed with Bran at his side and nothing of it would have happened. But he had to face the truth, Gibbs loved him…the kiss was not only a test…It was for real.

He had dreamt of this moment for months before accepting it would never happen. And Bran had knocked at his door and he had felt loved again. Gibbs could not tell him that now. It was not fair. He should have told him before… when he needed to hear those words…not now.

He knew he could not stay here but he didn't want to see Gibbs. He didn't want to see that love in his eyes. He had never thought those words could hurt but that was exactly what Gibbs had done saying them. God knows he had wished to hear him say it. He had prayed that one day he would be able to say them to him too.

But he could not love Gibbs now. He could not love two men at the same time. He was feeling so confused that he was unable to decide what to do now. He could not stay but he could not go away so easily. He had done that too often…fleeing before he could get involved with anyone. But he knew he would not be able to flee from Gibbs. You can't go away from a man like him.

He stood up and hit the button of the parking. He needed to think and to go away for a while. He sat in his car and turned on the ignition. He didn't see Gibbs running to his car when he left the building. He didn't know where he would go but he needed to feel safe and there was only one place he had ever felt safe. He drove to his apartment and parked his car in front of his building.

When he opened the door, Bran was on the couch reading a book. He didn't say anything. He didn't need words to understand what Tony needed. He walked to him, helped him getting rid of his jacket, sat him on the couch and wrapped his arms around him. Tony sighed as he felt the warmth of Bran's body against him.

-You want to talk about what happened?
-Not really…
-Ok…Everything is going to be ok, Tony.
Bran knew what had happened; he knew that Tony had spent the night thinking of what he had to do with Gibbs. And he knew that Tony was disturbed by the feeling he had for his boss…because of him and what they had shared all those years.

-You should try to sleep. You stayed up all night.
-Only if you come with me.
Bran smiled at those words. Tony could sound like a child sometimes. He had never been afraid to show this side of himself with him.
-Of course, my sweet love.
-I love when you call me that…

Tony fell asleep almost immediately. A sleepless night and a discussion with Gibbs had exhausted him. Bran got out of the bed letting him sleep. He knew that Gibbs would not let Tony go away so easily. He was waiting for his call but he would have preferred to talk with him face to face. He was making coffee when he heard a knock at the door. It had taken Gibbs only 20 minutes to find where Tony had disappeared…well it was not difficult. But Bran was happy that the older man had decided to come here.

When he opened the door he could see the disappointment in Gibbs' eyes.
-Tony is here, Agent Gibbs. He is sleeping…but come in…
-I just want to talk to him…
-And I want to talk with you…I think we have many things in common and there are things you need to know. Tony needs to sleep.

Gibbs followed Bran inside not knowing what to think of the man. He had only met him a day ago and had only seen him for a minute. He was shorter than him, dark curly hair, clear brown eyes…He seemed to be about the same age as Tony but something made him look older. There was something in his eyes…

Gibbs had not realized Bran was looking at him a smile on his face.
-I think I can answer some of your questions Agent Gibbs. But you need to ask them first. I can't read your mind even if I think I have an idea of what you were thinking about…
-You said you wanted to talk to him. I think you should be the first one to ask questions.
-I don't need to ask questions for now. Probably later but I think I know what I need to know…

Gibbs laughed…this man was surprising him. When he had said he wanted to talk Gibbs had expected him to yell at him and tell him how wrong he was if he thought he could take Tony away from him. But Bran was only waiting for him to ask the questions that were burning his lips since the day he had met him.

-And what do you know?
-I know you love Tony and that he loves you. I know you talked to him today…
-And?
-And he came back home not knowing what to do. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with him before but I can tell you that Tony was waiting for a sign from you for a long time…
-He told you that?
-He didn't need to tell me. It was obvious every time he talked about you. I think he was waiting for you to do something.
-But it came too late…
-Or too early…

Bran walked to the kitchen and came back with two mugs of coffee.
-Thanks. What do you mean by too early?
-It's a long story and I'm not really sure you want to hear it.
-You told me I can ask my questions and you would answer them.
-You're right, Agent Gibbs. But I don't want it to be a problem for Tony. I'm not sure he would agree about me telling you this. I would never do anything that could hurt him…
-I understand and respect that. I just want to understand why he reacted like that and what to do to make him forgive me.

Bran was looking at his mug trying to find a way to help this man. He wanted Tony to be happy and he knew that soon this man would be the only who could help him. But it was hard for him to think of the man he loved with someone else.
-You're a strange man, Bran.
-You're not the first one to tell me that.
-Why are you doing that? I mean you should be angry at me…and you're here talking to me and telling me Tony has feelings for like it was the most natural thing.
-I'm angry but not at you.

Gibbs had so many questions to ask but he waited for Bran to go on. Gibbs could feel it was not easy for him to talk and he realized he didn't know anything about him except he was Tony's lover.
-I've been angry at a lot of people. But I don't have time to waste with anger now. Tony is the only person who matters to me and I want him to be happy.
-But he seems happy with you.
-I hope he is…but it won't last.
-Why are you saying that? Is there anything wrong with Tony?

Bran looked up at him. He could see how worried Gibbs seemed for Tony. This man really loved Tony. He should have felt jealous…well to be honest he was a little jealous…but he was also relieved. There would be someone at Tony's side to help him and show him he could be loved.

-Tony is fine, Agent Gibbs. There's nothing wrong with him except his stubbornness…
-You're right but it's what makes him such a good agent. So if it's not Tony…it's you.
-I don't think you need to hear the story of my life today. Tony will tell you about it later.
-You're not telling me enough for me to understand why you are doing it. Tony and you are visibly in love and you are talking to me as if we were friends…I don't mean we can't be friends but it's a little weird to be here with you…I love Tony and nothing will change that…
-I know, Agent Gibbs. You made it perfectly clear…at least for me.

This discussion was beginning to make Gibbs feel unease. He didn't know where Bran wanted to lead him and he didn't like that; he was not used to be in this position. The younger man next to him didn't want to talk about himself but Gibbs knew there was something important he had to understand.

-Bran, I think you need to tell me exactly why you wanted to talk to me. I understand it might not be easy for you but as you said Tony is the only one who matters…
-You're not the kind of man who likes to stay in the dark…
Gibbs laughed at he heard those words.

-No, you're right. I don't like not to know. Especially when I know there's something hurting Tony and I'm unable to help him.
-That's what I thought and that's why I wanted to talk to you. I don't want you to think I'm trying to do things behind Tony's back but I know how he feels about it and it's better if he doesn't know I've asked you what I'm about to ask.
-I'm sure it's a good thing not to tell him…
-Let me tell you first and you'll tell him after if you want to.

Gibbs could see how serious Bran was about it. He nodded and waited for him to go on. The younger man stood up and began to pace around the room.
-Tony and I have been friends for more than twenty years. We've realized years after we met that what we were feeling for each other was more than friendship. The least you can say is that it had not been easy for him. We decided to go separate ways after University. I think we were too close and it was time for us to find out what life had to give us…The worst mistake of my life…

Gibbs was beginning to worry when he saw the younger man sway and catch the table in front of him to keep him from falling. He stood up and placed a hand on his arm.
-You should probably sit down. You don't seem to be fine.
Bran nodded and let Gibbs help him to the couch. The younger man had difficulties breathing and Gibbs understood it had something to do with what he was about to say. Bran seemed to read the unsaid question in Gibbs' eyes

-Pneumonia.
For a moment Gibbs could not say a word. He could still see Tony in this bed only weeks ago…He could hear him try to catch his breath every time he began to cough.
-I'm feeling much better now but I can't stay up for a long time.
-For how long…?
Bran could have acted as if he had not understood the real meaning of the question but he was waiting for it. He knew Gibbs was smart enough to guess and he was relieved he didn't have to say it himself.

-I don't know. At first I thought it was only flu. I've realized it was probably something more serious only five years ago.
Gibbs was about to say something but he hold back the words and looked at the man next to him. He didn't want to judge him but he could not understand how he could have been so careless.

-I know what you're thinking, Agent Gibbs. And believe me I've told myself exactly what you're thinking at least a thousand times. But I didn't want to think about it and I chose to ignore it.
-I don't know what to say.
-There's nothing to say. I played and lost.
-Is Tony…? I mean…
-No…I would never let him take any risk.

Gibbs stood up. He was unable to control his emotions for now and he didn't want Bran to see it. He had not felt so confused for years.
-I won't be here for long, Agent Gibbs. I wanted you to know because Tony will need your help. I've talked about what he would do after…and I must admit I'm afraid. He's trying to hide himself from the truth.
-What are expecting from me?
-I just want to be sure he won't be alone. He's going to need you even if he would never admit it.

Gibbs turned to face Bran.
-You're asking me to wait for your…
-Yes Agent Gibbs. That's what I'm asking you to do. Let me live my last days on this earth with him. Let us share this moment. He will come to you…
-How can you be sure he will…
-Because he loves you. I've known him for a long time and I can see how much you mean to him. Don't let him push you away.

-What are you doing here, Boss?
The two had not heard Tony coming out from the bedroom. Gibbs smiled when he saw him…sleepy eyes, messy hair. It reminded him of the first time he had seen him like that.
-You left without a word.
-True.
Tony walked to the couch and sat beside Bran kissing him. He didn't feel the need to hide what he was feeling for him in front of Gibbs.

-So what are the two of you plotting behind my back?
-We were just talking, Tony.
Tony was aware that Bran was lying but he knew that neither he nor Gibbs would tell him the truth about their talk.
-Yeah…talking…You think I'm stupid…That's it? You think I'm going to believe you came here after what you told me…to talk.

Gibbs looked at his agent and smiled.
-No, Tony. I don't think you're going to believe it but it's the only answer you will have. Bran and I have a lot in common and we needed to talk…
-What do you have in common?
-You…We both love you. I know you don't want to hear those words coming from me and I understand that. But it won't change my feelings for you. I just want you to know I will always be here for you. If I can't be anything else than a friend…then I will be that…a friend. Someone you can rely on.

Tony remained silent for a long time trying to find what Gibbs really meant. But there was no hidden sense behind his words. He realized for the first time what Gibbs' love really meant and it scared him.
-Thanks, Boss.
-It's not your boss talking here, Tony. Take the rest of the week…You still have holidays to take and I think you need it. I don't want to see you before Monday.

Tony nodded. He knew it was useless to try to make Gibbs change his mind about it. And to be honest he needed that time.
-It was a pleasure to talk with you Bran. I hope I've answered all your questions…
-Yes, Agent Gibbs, you have.
-I think you can call me Gibbs or Jethro as you want.
-Jethro…?
Gibbs smiled again. Tony had not seen him smile like that in the last three years…he loved that smile… a true, warming smile. A smile Gibbs only offered to friends and children.

-I will see you in a week Tony. Don't forget what I said.
-I won't, Boss.
Gibbs exited the room trying not to look back at the two men still sat on the couch. It was hard for him to go away like that and it was even harder to think he had to wait for a man to die to love the person he was dreaming about for the last three years.

But he had done what he had to do…like always. Tony deserved to share the next months with the man he loved without him being in the way. He wanted to give him that and he would do whatever he needed to do to make this man happy.
He had made a silent promise to Bran and he would keep it no matter what it would cost to him.

Chapter 5.
Promise.


He had waited until the elevator door had closed behind him before hitting the red button and sitting on the floor his head in his hands. It could not be true, he would soon wake up in his bed with Bran at his side and nothing of it would have happened. But he had to face the truth, Gibbs loved him…the kiss was not only a test…It was for real.

He had dreamt of this moment for months before accepting it would never happen. And Bran had knocked at his door and he had felt loved again. Gibbs could not tell him that now. It was not fair. He should have told him before… when he needed to hear those words…not now.

He knew he could not stay here but he didn't want to see Gibbs. He didn't want to see that love in his eyes. He had never thought those words could hurt but that was exactly what Gibbs had done saying them. God knows he had wished to hear him say it. He had prayed that one day he would be able to say them to him too.

But he could not love Gibbs now. He could not love two men at the same time. He was feeling so confused that he was unable to decide what to do now. He could not stay but he could not go away so easily. He had done that too often…fleeing before he could get involved with anyone. But he knew he would not be able to flee from Gibbs. You can't go away from a man like him.

He stood up and hit the button of the parking. He needed to think and to go away for a while. He sat in his car and turned on the ignition. He didn't see Gibbs running to his car when he left the building. He didn't know where he would go but he needed to feel safe and there was only one place he had ever felt safe. He drove to his apartment and parked his car in front of his building.

When he opened the door, Bran was on the couch reading a book. He didn't say anything. He didn't need words to understand what Tony needed. He walked to him, helped him getting rid of his jacket, sat him on the couch and wrapped his arms around him. Tony sighed as he felt the warmth of Bran's body against him.

-You want to talk about what happened?
-Not really…
-Ok…Everything is going to be ok, Tony.
Bran knew what had happened; he knew that Tony had spent the night thinking of what he had to do with Gibbs. And he knew that Tony was disturbed by the feeling he had for his boss…because of him and what they had shared all those years.

-You should try to sleep. You stayed up all night.
-Only if you come with me.
Bran smiled at those words. Tony could sound like a child sometimes. He had never been afraid to show this side of himself with him.
-Of course, my sweet love.
-I love when you call me that…

Tony fell asleep almost immediately. A sleepless night and a discussion with Gibbs had exhausted him. Bran got out of the bed letting him sleep. He knew that Gibbs would not let Tony go away so easily. He was waiting for his call but he would have preferred to talk with him face to face. He was making coffee when he heard a knock at the door. It had taken Gibbs only 20 minutes to find where Tony had disappeared…well it was not difficult. But Bran was happy that the older man had decided to come here.

When he opened the door he could see the disappointment in Gibbs' eyes.
-Tony is here, Agent Gibbs. He is sleeping…but come in…
-I just want to talk to him…
-And I want to talk with you…I think we have many things in common and there are things you need to know. Tony needs to sleep.

Gibbs followed Bran inside not knowing what to think of the man. He had only met him a day ago and had only seen him for a minute. He was shorter than him, dark curly hair, clear brown eyes…He seemed to be about the same age as Tony but something made him look older. There was something in his eyes…

Gibbs had not realized Bran was looking at him a smile on his face.
-I think I can answer some of your questions Agent Gibbs. But you need to ask them first. I can't read your mind even if I think I have an idea of what you were thinking about…
-You said you wanted to talk to him. I think you should be the first one to ask questions.
-I don't need to ask questions for now. Probably later but I think I know what I need to know…

Gibbs laughed…this man was surprising him. When he had said he wanted to talk Gibbs had expected him to yell at him and tell him how wrong he was if he thought he could take Tony away from him. But Bran was only waiting for him to ask the questions that were burning his lips since the day he had met him.

-And what do you know?
-I know you love Tony and that he loves you. I know you talked to him today…
-And?
-And he came back home not knowing what to do. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with him before but I can tell you that Tony was waiting for a sign from you for a long time…
-He told you that?
-He didn't need to tell me. It was obvious every time he talked about you. I think he was waiting for you to do something.
-But it came too late…
-Or too early…

Bran walked to the kitchen and came back with two mugs of coffee.
-Thanks. What do you mean by too early?
-It's a long story and I'm not really sure you want to hear it.
-You told me I can ask my questions and you would answer them.
-You're right, Agent Gibbs. But I don't want it to be a problem for Tony. I'm not sure he would agree about me telling you this. I would never do anything that could hurt him…
-I understand and respect that. I just want to understand why he reacted like that and what to do to make him forgive me.

Bran was looking at his mug trying to find a way to help this man. He wanted Tony to be happy and he knew that soon this man would be the only who could help him. But it was hard for him to think of the man he loved with someone else.
-You're a strange man, Bran.
-You're not the first one to tell me that.
-Why are you doing that? I mean you should be angry at me…and you're here talking to me and telling me Tony has feelings for like it was the most natural thing.
-I'm angry but not at you.

Gibbs had so many questions to ask but he waited for Bran to go on. Gibbs could feel it was not easy for him to talk and he realized he didn't know anything about him except he was Tony's lover.
-I've been angry at a lot of people. But I don't have time to waste with anger now. Tony is the only person who matters to me and I want him to be happy.
-But he seems happy with you.
-I hope he is…but it won't last.
-Why are you saying that? Is there anything wrong with Tony?

Bran looked up at him. He could see how worried Gibbs seemed for Tony. This man really loved Tony. He should have felt jealous…well to be honest he was a little jealous…but he was also relieved. There would be someone at Tony's side to help him and show him he could be loved.

-Tony is fine, Agent Gibbs. There's nothing wrong with him except his stubbornness…
-You're right but it's what makes him such a good agent. So if it's not Tony…it's you.
-I don't think you need to hear the story of my life today. Tony will tell you about it later.
-You're not telling me enough for me to understand why you are doing it. Tony and you are visibly in love and you are talking to me as if we were friends…I don't mean we can't be friends but it's a little weird to be here with you…I love Tony and nothing will change that…
-I know, Agent Gibbs. You made it perfectly clear…at least for me.

This discussion was beginning to make Gibbs feel unease. He didn't know where Bran wanted to lead him and he didn't like that; he was not used to be in this position. The younger man next to him didn't want to talk about himself but Gibbs knew there was something important he had to understand.

-Bran, I think you need to tell me exactly why you wanted to talk to me. I understand it might not be easy for you but as you said Tony is the only one who matters…
-You're not the kind of man who likes to stay in the dark…
Gibbs laughed at he heard those words.

-No, you're right. I don't like not to know. Especially when I know there's something hurting Tony and I'm unable to help him.
-That's what I thought and that's why I wanted to talk to you. I don't want you to think I'm trying to do things behind Tony's back but I know how he feels about it and it's better if he doesn't know I've asked you what I'm about to ask.
-I'm sure it's a good thing not to tell him…
-Let me tell you first and you'll tell him after if you want to.

Gibbs could see how serious Bran was about it. He nodded and waited for him to go on. The younger man stood up and began to pace around the room.
-Tony and I have been friends for more than twenty years. We've realized years after we met that what we were feeling for each other was more than friendship. The least you can say is that it had not been easy for him. We decided to go separate ways after University. I think we were too close and it was time for us to find out what life had to give us…The worst mistake of my life…

Gibbs was beginning to worry when he saw the younger man sway and catch the table in front of him to keep him from falling. He stood up and placed a hand on his arm.
-You should probably sit down. You don't seem to be fine.
Bran nodded and let Gibbs help him to the couch. The younger man had difficulties breathing and Gibbs understood it had something to do with what he was about to say. Bran seemed to read the unsaid question in Gibbs' eyes

-Pneumonia.
For a moment Gibbs could not say a word. He could still see Tony in this bed only weeks ago…He could hear him try to catch his breath every time he began to cough.
-I'm feeling much better now but I can't stay up for a long time.
-For how long…?
Bran could have acted as if he had not understood the real meaning of the question but he was waiting for it. He knew Gibbs was smart enough to guess and he was relieved he didn't have to say it himself.

-I don't know. At first I thought it was only flu. I've realized it was probably something more serious only five years ago.
Gibbs was about to say something but he hold back the words and looked at the man next to him. He didn't want to judge him but he could not understand how he could have been so careless.

-I know what you're thinking, Agent Gibbs. And believe me I've told myself exactly what you're thinking at least a thousand times. But I didn't want to think about it and I chose to ignore it.
-I don't know what to say.
-There's nothing to say. I played and lost.
-Is Tony…? I mean…
-No…I would never let him take any risk.

Gibbs stood up. He was unable to control his emotions for now and he didn't want Bran to see it. He had not felt so confused for years.
-I won't be here for long, Agent Gibbs. I wanted you to know because Tony will need your help. I've talked about what he would do after…and I must admit I'm afraid. He's trying to hide himself from the truth.
-What are expecting from me?
-I just want to be sure he won't be alone. He's going to need you even if he would never admit it.

Gibbs turned to face Bran.
-You're asking me to wait for your…
-Yes Agent Gibbs. That's what I'm asking you to do. Let me live my last days on this earth with him. Let us share this moment. He will come to you…
-How can you be sure he will…
-Because he loves you. I've known him for a long time and I can see how much you mean to him. Don't let him push you away.

-What are you doing here, Boss?
The two had not heard Tony coming out from the bedroom. Gibbs smiled when he saw him…sleepy eyes, messy hair. It reminded him of the first time he had seen him like that.
-You left without a word.
-True.
Tony walked to the couch and sat beside Bran kissing him. He didn't feel the need to hide what he was feeling for him in front of Gibbs.

-So what are the two of you plotting behind my back?
-We were just talking, Tony.
Tony was aware that Bran was lying but he knew that neither he nor Gibbs would tell him the truth about their talk.
-Yeah…talking…You think I'm stupid…That's it? You think I'm going to believe you came here after what you told me…to talk.

Gibbs looked at his agent and smiled.
-No, Tony. I don't think you're going to believe it but it's the only answer you will have. Bran and I have a lot in common and we needed to talk…
-What do you have in common?
-You…We both love you. I know you don't want to hear those words coming from me and I understand that. But it won't change my feelings for you. I just want you to know I will always be here for you. If I can't be anything else than a friend…then I will be that…a friend. Someone you can rely on.

Tony remained silent for a long time trying to find what Gibbs really meant. But there was no hidden sense behind his words. He realized for the first time what Gibbs' love really meant and it scared him.
-Thanks, Boss.
-It's not your boss talking here, Tony. Take the rest of the week…You still have holidays to take and I think you need it. I don't want to see you before Monday.

Tony nodded. He knew it was useless to try to make Gibbs change his mind about it. And to be honest he needed that time.
-It was a pleasure to talk with you Bran. I hope I've answered all your questions…
-Yes, Agent Gibbs, you have.
-I think you can call me Gibbs or Jethro as you want.
-Jethro…?
Gibbs smiled again. Tony had not seen him smile like that in the last three years…he loved that smile… a true, warming smile. A smile Gibbs only offered to friends and children.

-I will see you in a week Tony. Don't forget what I said.
-I won't, Boss.
Gibbs exited the room trying not to look back at the two men still sat on the couch. It was hard for him to go away like that and it was even harder to think he had to wait for a man to die to love the person he was dreaming about for the last three years.

But he had done what he had to do…like always. Tony deserved to share the next months with the man he loved without him being in the way. He wanted to give him that and he would do whatever he needed to do to make this man happy.
He had made a silent promise to Bran and he would keep it no matter what it would cost to him.

Chapter 6.
Facing your own mortality.

Three days…three days without seeing or having any news from Tony. Ok, he had given him a week off but he would never have guessed it would be so hard to be here at his desk every day without him. You're only aware of what a person really means to you when this person is gone.

Tony was not gone but Gibbs had the feeling that the younger man would never really be his. He had realized Tony had feelings for him and Bran had told him but you can never forget your first love. And Gibbs could not help feeling weird about this situation. He had promised this man to wait for him to die before …before what?

Before being allowed to really be with Tony, to love him and maybe with time being loved by him. But he was not sure Tony would allow anyone to come close to him after Bran's death…especially not his boss.

Gibbs had spent the last days and nights thinking about what he should do. He had taken his phone thousands of time to call Tony but he had made a promise…a promise he could not break. So while Tony and Bran were spending time together, he was at his desk trying to concentrate on his work.

He had not slept much in the last days and keeping his eyes open was more and more difficult. Even his tenth coffee of the day was not helping. The members of his team were beginning to ask questions about Tony, about his bad mood. Even McGee had come to him for answers and Gibbs was aware it had been really hard for the young agent to come to him for news about Tony and the reasons why he was not at work.

-You seem to be tired, Jethro.
Gibbs was so lost in his thoughts that he had not heard Ducky coming in. he looked up at the ME and saw the concerned look he was giving him.
-I'm fine, Ducky.
-That's what I was afraid of…What's wrong, Jethro? Has it something to do with Anthony and the reasons why he asked for a leave?

Gibbs sighed. He knew that Ducky would not let him go until he told him the truth. It had been easier with McGee…
-There's nothing wrong with Tony if that's what you're asking for. He needed time for a private reason and I give him this time.
-I'm happy to hear that, Jethro. So, now, can you answer my other question? What's wrong with you?
-Nothing, Doctor Mallard.

Gibbs knew it would not work but he had to try. He didn't want to talk about what was bothering him. How can you tell to someone, even someone as open minded as Ducky, you're in love with another man. That this man is already engaged with someone who is dying and that you're waiting for this man death… God, he could not say that to Ducky or anyone else.

-You're lying, Jethro.
-Ducky, please. I just don't want to talk about it. For once, can you just let it drop about forget about it?
-You know I can't. You're visibly tired and I guess you've not slept for at least two nights. I'm your friend…and your doctor…
-Oh, I see, Doctor Mallard. You know that if you talk about it to Sheppard she is going to make an investigation and try to find out why Tony asked for a leave and why I agreed with it.
-I don't see what would be wrong with it. She's the director and has the right to know.

Gibbs stood up to face Ducky. He didn't want to threaten his friend but he could not let him talk to Sheppard. She didn't need to know anything about it.
-You can't do that Ducky.
-You know I won't do that Jethro. But there's something wrong with you and I'm worried for you.

Gibbs sat back on his chair and Ducky could see now how tired his friend really was.
-Come with me Jethro. I will drive you home. You need to rest.
-I still have a job to do, Ducky.
-Not for today, my friend…
Gibbs knew it was pointless to argue with Ducky and stood up to follow him.

The two men remained silent until Ducky parked hi sold car in front of Gibbs' house.
-Thanks for the drive, Ducky.
-My pleasure…
Gibbs was not really surprised when Ducky followed him inside his house. He didn't really need company but he knew Ducky would not go away without some answers.

Gibbs sat on his couch and waited for Ducky to join him. The older man sat next to him and gave him a glass of water.
-I think I need something stronger than that, Ducky.
-Maybe but it's too early for that, Jethro.
Gibbs laughed. Ducky had always been here to tell him what to do and how to take care of his health.

-Are you going to tell me what's wrong, Jethro? Or do I have to guess?
-I'm just worried for Tony.
-You've been worried for our young Anthony since the day he joined the team. What has changed? What's different today?
-Me…I've changed, Ducky.

Ducky looked straight at his friend and smiled.
-You've not changed, Jethro. You've only opened your eyes on what you really felt. I don't see what's wrong with it…except if Anthony…
Gibbs could not look at his friend and tried to look away and escaped Ducky's eyes.
-Oh, Jethro…I'm sorry…You told him and he's not feeling the same?
-It's worse than that, Ducky.

Ducky placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.
-Talk to me, Jethro. We've been friends for years. You know you can trust me.
-I know, Ducky. But it's not my secret and there are things I can't tell you. I told Tony how I felt about him. He didn't push me away but there's already someone in his life. Someone he really loves and I won't come between them.
-Anthony has feelings for you, Jethro. Maybe, the only things you have to do is try to convince him. I've never seen you give up so easily.
-You don't understand Ducky.

Gibbs stood up and walked to his kitchen. Ducky was right, it was too early for alcohol but he needed a coffee. Ducky had followed him and was standing at the kitchen door.
-You're right, I don't understand but I know something…You're not fine and it won't change unless you do something about it.
-There's nothing I can do, Ducky. I made a promise and I can't break it.

Ducky could see the truth in Gibbs' eyes. He realized his friend would not tell him anything more. The older man didn't know what Tony had told Gibbs but the promise his friend had made was hard to keep for him. Gibbs was a man of honor and he would do as he had promised but Ducky could only hope it would not cost too much to his friend.

-I won't insist, Jethro. But promise me you're going to sleep.
-I will try Ducky.
-It's all I can ask. You know I'm here if you want to talk.
-Thanks, Ducky.
-Nothing to thank me for, Jethro. I just hope you're going to be as fine as you're claming to be.

Gibbs didn't reply to Ducky's words and didn't look up to see his friend exit the house. He was now alone in his kitchen, drinking his coffee. He had too many things in his mind to think clearly. He stood up and walked down to his basement where his boat was waiting for him. Working on his boat was the only thing that could calm him down and help him think.

He stayed there for hours before feeling tired enough to sleep. He tried to fight a little more but the lack of sleep was making his eyes burn. He didn't want to leave his basement so he decided to lay down here. He had slept so many times here, alone after his wife and daughter's death years ago. He had the same feeling this night. He didn't want to sleep in this cold bed…He didn't want to wake up alone. At least, here, his boat would keep him company.

He's been asleep for a few hours when his phone rang. It took him a moment to realize what this sound was but he was used to being awoken by a phone call in the middle of the night.
-Gibbs.
There was no voice coming from the other side of the phone. Gibbs could only hear sounds and people talking.
-Who is it?
-Gibbs…?
God, it was Tony. Tony was calling him in the middle of the night.
-What happened, Tony? Where are you?

There was only silence for a long moment.
-Tony, please. Talk to me. Where are you?
-At the hospital… The ER…
-I will be here in ten minutes. Don't move from here.

Gibbs hung up his phone and ran outside his house. He only remembered there he had come home with Ducky's car. It took him five minutes to call a taxi and jump inside the yellow car. Tony needed him and he was there waiting for the traffic light to come to green. He almost yelled at the driver when he stopped to let someone cross the street.

Gibbs entered the ER fifteen minutes later searching for Tony. He found the younger man on a chair in an empty hall. The lights were making him look exhausted and Gibbs could see his swollen and red eyes.

-Tony…?
The young man looked up and Gibbs felt his heart break as he saw the sadness in Tony's eyes. It was more than sadness…despair, confusion.
-Thanks, Gibbs for coming. I didn't know who to call…
-It's ok, Tony. I'm happy you called…I mean…I'm not happy you needed to call me but…
Tony smiled sadly.
-I know what you mean, Boss.

Gibbs wanted to take him in his arms, he wanted to reassure him and tell him everything would be ok. He wanted Tony to know he would be at his side and that he would not let him face this alone if only he let him do it.
-How is he?
-I don't know. I've not seen anyone. They told me to wait here hours ago…
-Let me see if I can find a doctor…

Tony nodded weakly. He had already tried to talk to someone but there was only one doctor in the ER tonight and he seemed to be very busy. But if someone could find him and make him talk it was Gibbs.
The older man came back to him only a minute later and placed a hand on his knee.

-Someone will come to talk to you.
-Thanks, Gibbs.
-What happened, Tony?
-I thought he was ok. He kept saying he was feeling fine but I knew something was wrong. He was weaker than usual. Yesterday he began coughing but he didn't want to come to the hospital. He woke me up in the middle of the night telling me he was not feeling fine. He had fever and could not breathe… I should have known…
-It's not your fault, Tony. I'm sure he will be fine. They're going to take care of him here.

-You must be Mr. Dinozzo.
-Yes, it's me.
Tony stood up and shook the hand the man in front of him was offering.
-How is Bran?

The doctor took a deep breath before answering and Tony realized at that precise moment that what he had feared was happening. He didn't really hear the words the doc used but he understood the meaning. He read the truth in his eyes…he had seen this sorry look before. He had even used it himself…"I'm sorry for your loss…"

-Can I see him?
-He is weak but I think it would be good for him to see you.
-Thanks.
Tony was already walking to the door of Bran's room when he heard the doctor talking to him.
-Mr. Dinozzo, I don't know if you talked about it with him but if there's someone else to call…his family maybe…we could do it for you.
-No, there's no one else…Only me…
-One more thing…If you want to bring him back home…

Tony nodded. They had talked about it so many times that he could still hear him…"Don't let me die in one of those beds… They are so uncomfortable".
-I will prepare the papers for you to sign.
-Thanks. When…I mean…How much time to we have?
-No one can tell but I would say days…maybe a week.

Tony felt suddenly weak and if Gibbs had not caught him he would have fallen. He knew the answer of this question even before asking it but hearing those words had made it too real for him.
-Too fast…
Gibbs helped him sitting on the chair and didn't let him go. He needed to be here for the man he loved. He needed him to feel he was not alone.
-I need to see him.
-I think you should take a moment to rest, Tony.

Tony looked at Gibbs as if he didn't know him.
-You think I should rest…You heard what the doc said…You heard him…
-Yes, Tony. But…
-I don't have time…no more time…days…maybe a week…
There was so much pain in Tony's voice.
-I need to be with him…I won't let him alone one more minute.

Gibbs let him go. He knew that's what Tony needed to do. He would have done the same if he had been in his place but it was so hard to see him in pain. He would have done anything to make him feel better…He would even have given them more time together if he had had that power. But no one could do that…


Tony entered the small room where Bran was sleeping. He seemed so small in this bed. He had lost a lot of weight in the last months and there was little of the man he had known in this bed.
He walked to the side of the bed and took Bran's hand kissing it softly. Bran opened his eyes and smiled. For a second, Tony saw his friend, his lover in this smile and for a second he could do as if nothing had happened. But Bran began coughing and the illusion was gone.

-How are you feeling?
-Good…
-You don't know how to lie…
-I'm sorry, Tony.

Tony placed a finger on Bran's lips.
-There's nothing to be sorry about, Mon Ange.
-I thought we had more time…
-Don't talk like that…We're going to have plenty of time…
-You're still lying to yourself, Tony…

Tony didn't want to have this discussion here in a hospital bed. He needed to bring him back home and keep him in his arms…hold him tight and keep him alive…He will give him his strength to fight…
He had not realized he was crying but Bran's shaking hand was on his cheek wiping the tears away.
-Don't cry for me, My Sweet Love.
-I don't…
-Bring me back home, please.
Tony nodded and walked out of the room. The papers were ready and Gibbs had already called for an ambulance to drive them back to Tony's apartment.


An hour later, Bran was sleeping in Tony's bedroom and Gibbs was making coffee waiting for Tony to get out of his shower. He knew he should have let the two men alone but he could not help feeling that Tony needed him here. The younger man exited the bathroom fifteen minutes later, his hair still damp.
-A coffee?
-Yes, thanks.

Gibbs gave him a steaming mug and sat at the kitchen table waiting for Tony to talk.
-Thanks, Gibbs. I mean for being here…
-I told you I wanted to be your friend, Tony…if nothing more. That's what friends do for each other.
-True…but after our talk…I thought…
-Tony, nothing will change my feelings for you but for now you don't need to think about me and what I'm feeling. Just know I will be here for you no matter what happened.

Tony was looking at his coffee trying to find the strength to hold back the tears. He knew he would not be able to face this situation alone but he didn't know how to ask for help especially Gibbs' help.
-You don't need to be strong in front of me, Tony.
-But I need to be strong for him and I don't know if I can do it, Gibbs.
-You will find the strength when the time comes. You will find the strength to let him go.

Gibbs had stood up and was now standing next to Tony, a hand on his shoulder.
-How can I do that, Gibbs? How can I let him go?
-You have no other choice, Tony. The only thing you can do is be here for him and help him.
-I can't do that…I don't want him to die…I won't let him go…

The tears were now running from his eyes. He wiped them away with anger.
-I sound like a child…I'm sorry, Gibbs. But I can't imagine a life without him…
-I know, Tony. Years ago, I thought I had lost what made my life. I've been about to give up.
Tony was amazed by Gibbs' confidence. He knew about his wife and daughter. Ziva was not the only one able to investigate. But he would never have thought Gibbs would tell him about it.
-What made you go on?
-I don't know. I was taking a day after another at first, thinking the next one would be the last. And little by little I began to make plans again and stopped waiting for death.

Tony put his hand on Gibbs' hand. He needed the contact, he needed to feel him.
-I need you, Gibbs. I don't want to be alone when…
Gibbs had been waiting for those words. He knew they had not been easy to say for Tony and he was happy the younger man had realized he needed help.
-I will stay here. Your couch seems comfortable.
-Yes it is…for a man who can sleep in one of those planes…
The two men laughed remembering the first travel they had made with Kate and how sick she had been…It was good to hear Tony laugh even if it only lasted a few minutes.



Gibbs slept on the couch for the next three nights. Bran was getting weaker every day and the dark circles under Tony's eyes were worrying Gibbs. He knew the younger man was not sleeping. Tony was spending his nights holding Bran and listening to his heart beat. Gibbs had tried to make him sleep but Tony refused telling him he was fine.

When Tony went out of his bedroom for dinner this evening, Gibbs realized something had changed.
-It won't be long.
Tony had said those words in a whisper.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I wish I could do something…
-You're not a magician, Gibbs. No one can do anything against it. I wish I could kill the monster who did that to him…But even that would not change anything. The man I love is dying and I can't do anything to help him.
-It's not true, Tony. You're helping him. He's not alone and being here with him is a precious gift you're giving him.

Tony stood up suddenly, throwing his plate on the floor.
-It's not enough, Gibbs. I was not here for him when he needed me and now it's too late…
Gibbs placed his hands on Tony's shoulders and forced him to look at him.
-It's not too late. You have time to say good bye Tony. You still have time to tell him how you love him…

Gibbs didn't add "I've never had that chance" but he didn't need to say the words, Tony had heard them.
-Now, you're going to eat something and then go back in that room. You're going to hold him tight and tell him how much you love him and how lucky you've been to know him…It's maybe your last chance to tell him, Tony.

Tony ate in silence and went back to the dark room where Bran was still asleep. Bran opened his eyes when Tony took him in his arms.
-Tony…?
-Who else…? I'm sorry Matt Damon was not available…
-You're the only one I want.
-Happy to hear that.

Tony sighed deeply trying to find the courage to do what Gibbs had asked him to do. He knew it was probably his last chance…
-Tony…You know I love you, right…?
-Yes…I know…

The words were so hard to say and as always he let Bran talk and listened to him.
-I've always loved you…from the first time I saw you. I didn't know it was love but I know now. I should not have let you go…
-I should not have gone away from you.
-I don't want you to cry, Tony. I've had a great life…a short life…but you gave me what some people spent their life searching for…You gave me love and made me feel like a king. I would never thank you enough for this gift, Tony.
-I should be the one to thank you, Bran. You gave me more than love. You gave me a family when mine left me; you gave me a shoulder to cry on…You saved my life in so many ways.

Tony didn't know if Bran could hear him. He had probably fallen asleep but Tony went on and talked to him almost all night, telling him how much he meant to him.
Hours later Bran woke up coughing and Tony helped him on the pillows.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-You're better on your back. It's easier to breathe in that position.
-No, I want to stay in your arms.

Tony knew what it meant and decided not to argue with him. He took him in his arms and let Bran's head rest on his chest.
-I've heard what you said, Tony.
-I thought you were sleeping…
-Maybe a little…We were good together…?
-Yes, we are good together.
-Tony, I want you to make me a promise. Promise me you will love again. Promise me to have a happy life. I want to go thinking you're going to be happy…with someone you love.
-I don't want to think about it.
-I know, Tony but…Gibbs is a great man and he loves you…And I know you have feelings for him.

Tony didn't reply anything. They already had this conversation and Bran knew perfectly what he thought about it.
-Just promise me you won't close your heart. You deserve to be happy, Tony.
-You gave me that, Mon Ange. No one will ever replace you. You know that but I promise I won't close my heart.
Tony felt Bran smiled against his chest.
-Thanks, My Sweet Love.

Bran had called him that since the first night they had spent together and every time he heard this nick name, his heart melted. Tony caressed Bran's hair softly. His lover had fallen asleep once again. Tony could hear his labored breath and the next time Bran woke up Tony knew it was the last time.

The man in his arms was fighting to breathe and it was getting harder and harder.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-I'm here, Mon Ange. I won't go anywhere. Just relax and try to breathe slowly.
Tony knew it was a stupid advice but how can you help someone dying.
-I'm so scared, Tony.
God…What could he answer to that? He kissed Bran's forehead.

-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. I'm here with you. Can you feel my arms around you? Can you feel how much I love you? You have nothing to be afraid of…My love will protect you…I will always be here with you…

Tony began to sing softly the song Bran's mother used to sing when she was cooking or gardening. He knew Bran loved this song. He didn't know how long he stayed there singing and caressing Bran's hair when he heard a moan coming from Bran.

-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. Don't be afraid. Nothing will ever keep us apart…
-I love you…My Sweet Love…


Gibbs was at the bedroom door. He had not wanted to spy but he was worried for Tony. He had heard Bran's words and for long minutes after there was only silence…a heavy silence.
He realized what this silence meant when he heard Tony's sobs. Gibbs rested his head on the door letting the tears running down his cheeks.

Inside the room Tony was still holding Bran. For the rest of the night the only sound escaping this room would be Tony's sobs…His Angel was gone.

Chapter 6.
Facing your own mortality.

Three days…three days without seeing or having any news from Tony. Ok, he had given him a week off but he would never have guessed it would be so hard to be here at his desk every day without him. You're only aware of what a person really means to you when this person is gone.

Tony was not gone but Gibbs had the feeling that the younger man would never really be his. He had realized Tony had feelings for him and Bran had told him but you can never forget your first love. And Gibbs could not help feeling weird about this situation. He had promised this man to wait for him to die before …before what?

Before being allowed to really be with Tony, to love him and maybe with time being loved by him. But he was not sure Tony would allow anyone to come close to him after Bran's death…especially not his boss.

Gibbs had spent the last days and nights thinking about what he should do. He had taken his phone thousands of time to call Tony but he had made a promise…a promise he could not break. So while Tony and Bran were spending time together, he was at his desk trying to concentrate on his work.

He had not slept much in the last days and keeping his eyes open was more and more difficult. Even his tenth coffee of the day was not helping. The members of his team were beginning to ask questions about Tony, about his bad mood. Even McGee had come to him for answers and Gibbs was aware it had been really hard for the young agent to come to him for news about Tony and the reasons why he was not at work.

-You seem to be tired, Jethro.
Gibbs was so lost in his thoughts that he had not heard Ducky coming in. he looked up at the ME and saw the concerned look he was giving him.
-I'm fine, Ducky.
-That's what I was afraid of…What's wrong, Jethro? Has it something to do with Anthony and the reasons why he asked for a leave?

Gibbs sighed. He knew that Ducky would not let him go until he told him the truth. It had been easier with McGee…
-There's nothing wrong with Tony if that's what you're asking for. He needed time for a private reason and I give him this time.
-I'm happy to hear that, Jethro. So, now, can you answer my other question? What's wrong with you?
-Nothing, Doctor Mallard.

Gibbs knew it would not work but he had to try. He didn't want to talk about what was bothering him. How can you tell to someone, even someone as open minded as Ducky, you're in love with another man. That this man is already engaged with someone who is dying and that you're waiting for this man death… God, he could not say that to Ducky or anyone else.

-You're lying, Jethro.
-Ducky, please. I just don't want to talk about it. For once, can you just let it drop about forget about it?
-You know I can't. You're visibly tired and I guess you've not slept for at least two nights. I'm your friend…and your doctor…
-Oh, I see, Doctor Mallard. You know that if you talk about it to Sheppard she is going to make an investigation and try to find out why Tony asked for a leave and why I agreed with it.
-I don't see what would be wrong with it. She's the director and has the right to know.

Gibbs stood up to face Ducky. He didn't want to threaten his friend but he could not let him talk to Sheppard. She didn't need to know anything about it.
-You can't do that Ducky.
-You know I won't do that Jethro. But there's something wrong with you and I'm worried for you.

Gibbs sat back on his chair and Ducky could see now how tired his friend really was.
-Come with me Jethro. I will drive you home. You need to rest.
-I still have a job to do, Ducky.
-Not for today, my friend…
Gibbs knew it was pointless to argue with Ducky and stood up to follow him.

The two men remained silent until Ducky parked hi sold car in front of Gibbs' house.
-Thanks for the drive, Ducky.
-My pleasure…
Gibbs was not really surprised when Ducky followed him inside his house. He didn't really need company but he knew Ducky would not go away without some answers.

Gibbs sat on his couch and waited for Ducky to join him. The older man sat next to him and gave him a glass of water.
-I think I need something stronger than that, Ducky.
-Maybe but it's too early for that, Jethro.
Gibbs laughed. Ducky had always been here to tell him what to do and how to take care of his health.

-Are you going to tell me what's wrong, Jethro? Or do I have to guess?
-I'm just worried for Tony.
-You've been worried for our young Anthony since the day he joined the team. What has changed? What's different today?
-Me…I've changed, Ducky.

Ducky looked straight at his friend and smiled.
-You've not changed, Jethro. You've only opened your eyes on what you really felt. I don't see what's wrong with it…except if Anthony…
Gibbs could not look at his friend and tried to look away and escaped Ducky's eyes.
-Oh, Jethro…I'm sorry…You told him and he's not feeling the same?
-It's worse than that, Ducky.

Ducky placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.
-Talk to me, Jethro. We've been friends for years. You know you can trust me.
-I know, Ducky. But it's not my secret and there are things I can't tell you. I told Tony how I felt about him. He didn't push me away but there's already someone in his life. Someone he really loves and I won't come between them.
-Anthony has feelings for you, Jethro. Maybe, the only things you have to do is try to convince him. I've never seen you give up so easily.
-You don't understand Ducky.

Gibbs stood up and walked to his kitchen. Ducky was right, it was too early for alcohol but he needed a coffee. Ducky had followed him and was standing at the kitchen door.
-You're right, I don't understand but I know something…You're not fine and it won't change unless you do something about it.
-There's nothing I can do, Ducky. I made a promise and I can't break it.

Ducky could see the truth in Gibbs' eyes. He realized his friend would not tell him anything more. The older man didn't know what Tony had told Gibbs but the promise his friend had made was hard to keep for him. Gibbs was a man of honor and he would do as he had promised but Ducky could only hope it would not cost too much to his friend.

-I won't insist, Jethro. But promise me you're going to sleep.
-I will try Ducky.
-It's all I can ask. You know I'm here if you want to talk.
-Thanks, Ducky.
-Nothing to thank me for, Jethro. I just hope you're going to be as fine as you're claming to be.

Gibbs didn't reply to Ducky's words and didn't look up to see his friend exit the house. He was now alone in his kitchen, drinking his coffee. He had too many things in his mind to think clearly. He stood up and walked down to his basement where his boat was waiting for him. Working on his boat was the only thing that could calm him down and help him think.

He stayed there for hours before feeling tired enough to sleep. He tried to fight a little more but the lack of sleep was making his eyes burn. He didn't want to leave his basement so he decided to lay down here. He had slept so many times here, alone after his wife and daughter's death years ago. He had the same feeling this night. He didn't want to sleep in this cold bed…He didn't want to wake up alone. At least, here, his boat would keep him company.

He's been asleep for a few hours when his phone rang. It took him a moment to realize what this sound was but he was used to being awoken by a phone call in the middle of the night.
-Gibbs.
There was no voice coming from the other side of the phone. Gibbs could only hear sounds and people talking.
-Who is it?
-Gibbs…?
God, it was Tony. Tony was calling him in the middle of the night.
-What happened, Tony? Where are you?

There was only silence for a long moment.
-Tony, please. Talk to me. Where are you?
-At the hospital… The ER…
-I will be here in ten minutes. Don't move from here.

Gibbs hung up his phone and ran outside his house. He only remembered there he had come home with Ducky's car. It took him five minutes to call a taxi and jump inside the yellow car. Tony needed him and he was there waiting for the traffic light to come to green. He almost yelled at the driver when he stopped to let someone cross the street.

Gibbs entered the ER fifteen minutes later searching for Tony. He found the younger man on a chair in an empty hall. The lights were making him look exhausted and Gibbs could see his swollen and red eyes.

-Tony…?
The young man looked up and Gibbs felt his heart break as he saw the sadness in Tony's eyes. It was more than sadness…despair, confusion.
-Thanks, Gibbs for coming. I didn't know who to call…
-It's ok, Tony. I'm happy you called…I mean…I'm not happy you needed to call me but…
Tony smiled sadly.
-I know what you mean, Boss.

Gibbs wanted to take him in his arms, he wanted to reassure him and tell him everything would be ok. He wanted Tony to know he would be at his side and that he would not let him face this alone if only he let him do it.
-How is he?
-I don't know. I've not seen anyone. They told me to wait here hours ago…
-Let me see if I can find a doctor…

Tony nodded weakly. He had already tried to talk to someone but there was only one doctor in the ER tonight and he seemed to be very busy. But if someone could find him and make him talk it was Gibbs.
The older man came back to him only a minute later and placed a hand on his knee.

-Someone will come to talk to you.
-Thanks, Gibbs.
-What happened, Tony?
-I thought he was ok. He kept saying he was feeling fine but I knew something was wrong. He was weaker than usual. Yesterday he began coughing but he didn't want to come to the hospital. He woke me up in the middle of the night telling me he was not feeling fine. He had fever and could not breathe… I should have known…
-It's not your fault, Tony. I'm sure he will be fine. They're going to take care of him here.

-You must be Mr. Dinozzo.
-Yes, it's me.
Tony stood up and shook the hand the man in front of him was offering.
-How is Bran?

The doctor took a deep breath before answering and Tony realized at that precise moment that what he had feared was happening. He didn't really hear the words the doc used but he understood the meaning. He read the truth in his eyes…he had seen this sorry look before. He had even used it himself…"I'm sorry for your loss…"

-Can I see him?
-He is weak but I think it would be good for him to see you.
-Thanks.
Tony was already walking to the door of Bran's room when he heard the doctor talking to him.
-Mr. Dinozzo, I don't know if you talked about it with him but if there's someone else to call…his family maybe…we could do it for you.
-No, there's no one else…Only me…
-One more thing…If you want to bring him back home…

Tony nodded. They had talked about it so many times that he could still hear him…"Don't let me die in one of those beds… They are so uncomfortable".
-I will prepare the papers for you to sign.
-Thanks. When…I mean…How much time to we have?
-No one can tell but I would say days…maybe a week.

Tony felt suddenly weak and if Gibbs had not caught him he would have fallen. He knew the answer of this question even before asking it but hearing those words had made it too real for him.
-Too fast…
Gibbs helped him sitting on the chair and didn't let him go. He needed to be here for the man he loved. He needed him to feel he was not alone.
-I need to see him.
-I think you should take a moment to rest, Tony.

Tony looked at Gibbs as if he didn't know him.
-You think I should rest…You heard what the doc said…You heard him…
-Yes, Tony. But…
-I don't have time…no more time…days…maybe a week…
There was so much pain in Tony's voice.
-I need to be with him…I won't let him alone one more minute.

Gibbs let him go. He knew that's what Tony needed to do. He would have done the same if he had been in his place but it was so hard to see him in pain. He would have done anything to make him feel better…He would even have given them more time together if he had had that power. But no one could do that…


Tony entered the small room where Bran was sleeping. He seemed so small in this bed. He had lost a lot of weight in the last months and there was little of the man he had known in this bed.
He walked to the side of the bed and took Bran's hand kissing it softly. Bran opened his eyes and smiled. For a second, Tony saw his friend, his lover in this smile and for a second he could do as if nothing had happened. But Bran began coughing and the illusion was gone.

-How are you feeling?
-Good…
-You don't know how to lie…
-I'm sorry, Tony.

Tony placed a finger on Bran's lips.
-There's nothing to be sorry about, Mon Ange.
-I thought we had more time…
-Don't talk like that…We're going to have plenty of time…
-You're still lying to yourself, Tony…

Tony didn't want to have this discussion here in a hospital bed. He needed to bring him back home and keep him in his arms…hold him tight and keep him alive…He will give him his strength to fight…
He had not realized he was crying but Bran's shaking hand was on his cheek wiping the tears away.
-Don't cry for me, My Sweet Love.
-I don't…
-Bring me back home, please.
Tony nodded and walked out of the room. The papers were ready and Gibbs had already called for an ambulance to drive them back to Tony's apartment.


An hour later, Bran was sleeping in Tony's bedroom and Gibbs was making coffee waiting for Tony to get out of his shower. He knew he should have let the two men alone but he could not help feeling that Tony needed him here. The younger man exited the bathroom fifteen minutes later, his hair still damp.
-A coffee?
-Yes, thanks.

Gibbs gave him a steaming mug and sat at the kitchen table waiting for Tony to talk.
-Thanks, Gibbs. I mean for being here…
-I told you I wanted to be your friend, Tony…if nothing more. That's what friends do for each other.
-True…but after our talk…I thought…
-Tony, nothing will change my feelings for you but for now you don't need to think about me and what I'm feeling. Just know I will be here for you no matter what happened.

Tony was looking at his coffee trying to find the strength to hold back the tears. He knew he would not be able to face this situation alone but he didn't know how to ask for help especially Gibbs' help.
-You don't need to be strong in front of me, Tony.
-But I need to be strong for him and I don't know if I can do it, Gibbs.
-You will find the strength when the time comes. You will find the strength to let him go.

Gibbs had stood up and was now standing next to Tony, a hand on his shoulder.
-How can I do that, Gibbs? How can I let him go?
-You have no other choice, Tony. The only thing you can do is be here for him and help him.
-I can't do that…I don't want him to die…I won't let him go…

The tears were now running from his eyes. He wiped them away with anger.
-I sound like a child…I'm sorry, Gibbs. But I can't imagine a life without him…
-I know, Tony. Years ago, I thought I had lost what made my life. I've been about to give up.
Tony was amazed by Gibbs' confidence. He knew about his wife and daughter. Ziva was not the only one able to investigate. But he would never have thought Gibbs would tell him about it.
-What made you go on?
-I don't know. I was taking a day after another at first, thinking the next one would be the last. And little by little I began to make plans again and stopped waiting for death.

Tony put his hand on Gibbs' hand. He needed the contact, he needed to feel him.
-I need you, Gibbs. I don't want to be alone when…
Gibbs had been waiting for those words. He knew they had not been easy to say for Tony and he was happy the younger man had realized he needed help.
-I will stay here. Your couch seems comfortable.
-Yes it is…for a man who can sleep in one of those planes…
The two men laughed remembering the first travel they had made with Kate and how sick she had been…It was good to hear Tony laugh even if it only lasted a few minutes.



Gibbs slept on the couch for the next three nights. Bran was getting weaker every day and the dark circles under Tony's eyes were worrying Gibbs. He knew the younger man was not sleeping. Tony was spending his nights holding Bran and listening to his heart beat. Gibbs had tried to make him sleep but Tony refused telling him he was fine.

When Tony went out of his bedroom for dinner this evening, Gibbs realized something had changed.
-It won't be long.
Tony had said those words in a whisper.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I wish I could do something…
-You're not a magician, Gibbs. No one can do anything against it. I wish I could kill the monster who did that to him…But even that would not change anything. The man I love is dying and I can't do anything to help him.
-It's not true, Tony. You're helping him. He's not alone and being here with him is a precious gift you're giving him.

Tony stood up suddenly, throwing his plate on the floor.
-It's not enough, Gibbs. I was not here for him when he needed me and now it's too late…
Gibbs placed his hands on Tony's shoulders and forced him to look at him.
-It's not too late. You have time to say good bye Tony. You still have time to tell him how you love him…

Gibbs didn't add "I've never had that chance" but he didn't need to say the words, Tony had heard them.
-Now, you're going to eat something and then go back in that room. You're going to hold him tight and tell him how much you love him and how lucky you've been to know him…It's maybe your last chance to tell him, Tony.

Tony ate in silence and went back to the dark room where Bran was still asleep. Bran opened his eyes when Tony took him in his arms.
-Tony…?
-Who else…? I'm sorry Matt Damon was not available…
-You're the only one I want.
-Happy to hear that.

Tony sighed deeply trying to find the courage to do what Gibbs had asked him to do. He knew it was probably his last chance…
-Tony…You know I love you, right…?
-Yes…I know…

The words were so hard to say and as always he let Bran talk and listened to him.
-I've always loved you…from the first time I saw you. I didn't know it was love but I know now. I should not have let you go…
-I should not have gone away from you.
-I don't want you to cry, Tony. I've had a great life…a short life…but you gave me what some people spent their life searching for…You gave me love and made me feel like a king. I would never thank you enough for this gift, Tony.
-I should be the one to thank you, Bran. You gave me more than love. You gave me a family when mine left me; you gave me a shoulder to cry on…You saved my life in so many ways.

Tony didn't know if Bran could hear him. He had probably fallen asleep but Tony went on and talked to him almost all night, telling him how much he meant to him.
Hours later Bran woke up coughing and Tony helped him on the pillows.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-You're better on your back. It's easier to breathe in that position.
-No, I want to stay in your arms.

Tony knew what it meant and decided not to argue with him. He took him in his arms and let Bran's head rest on his chest.
-I've heard what you said, Tony.
-I thought you were sleeping…
-Maybe a little…We were good together…?
-Yes, we are good together.
-Tony, I want you to make me a promise. Promise me you will love again. Promise me to have a happy life. I want to go thinking you're going to be happy…with someone you love.
-I don't want to think about it.
-I know, Tony but…Gibbs is a great man and he loves you…And I know you have feelings for him.

Tony didn't reply anything. They already had this conversation and Bran knew perfectly what he thought about it.
-Just promise me you won't close your heart. You deserve to be happy, Tony.
-You gave me that, Mon Ange. No one will ever replace you. You know that but I promise I won't close my heart.
Tony felt Bran smiled against his chest.
-Thanks, My Sweet Love.

Bran had called him that since the first night they had spent together and every time he heard this nick name, his heart melted. Tony caressed Bran's hair softly. His lover had fallen asleep once again. Tony could hear his labored breath and the next time Bran woke up Tony knew it was the last time.

The man in his arms was fighting to breathe and it was getting harder and harder.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-I'm here, Mon Ange. I won't go anywhere. Just relax and try to breathe slowly.
Tony knew it was a stupid advice but how can you help someone dying.
-I'm so scared, Tony.
God…What could he answer to that? He kissed Bran's forehead.

-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. I'm here with you. Can you feel my arms around you? Can you feel how much I love you? You have nothing to be afraid of…My love will protect you…I will always be here with you…

Tony began to sing softly the song Bran's mother used to sing when she was cooking or gardening. He knew Bran loved this song. He didn't know how long he stayed there singing and caressing Bran's hair when he heard a moan coming from Bran.

-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. Don't be afraid. Nothing will ever keep us apart…
-I love you…My Sweet Love…


Gibbs was at the bedroom door. He had not wanted to spy but he was worried for Tony. He had heard Bran's words and for long minutes after there was only silence…a heavy silence.
He realized what this silence meant when he heard Tony's sobs. Gibbs rested his head on the door letting the tears running down his cheeks.

Inside the room Tony was still holding Bran. For the rest of the night the only sound escaping this room would be Tony's sobs…His Angel was gone.

Chapter 7
"Stop all the clocks…"


Tony had not moved for hours. He had stayed there…on his couch, letting Gibbs take care of everything. It had taken him hours to let Bran go, to let Gibbs carry him away from his bedroom. He had given him something hot to drink but Tony could not have said what it was…

He didn't care…Nothing mattered to him now. The only thing he could think about was his pain, his loss. Bran was dead…The man he loved had left him and he had never felt so lonely, so lost. He had been aware it would happen but he had thought they had more time.

They had made a list of what Bran wanted to do…and it was a long list…A list of things they would never have time to do now. What had he left? A sheet of paper with Bran's writing on it…his favorite pen, the one he used to write with.
Tony smiled thinking about the thousands of time he had told him he should use a computer to write. Bran had answered he needed to feel the paper and see the words appear…

Tony could not hold back the tears but he didn't care about it either. Gibbs was next to him but Tony could not see him…No one could understand…No one could help him. And he didn't want anyone to help him. He only wanted to stay alone and to let his pain overwhelm him…


Gibbs had never felt so helpless. He was here looking at Tony but he could not reach him. He had tried to talk to him; to touch him but Tony had not even looked at him. Gibbs was beginning to worry; he could not let him lost in his thoughts like that. He knew too well where they would lead him.

-Tony, please; talk to me. Don't stay so quiet. It's not good to keep everything inside.
Tony didn't move, looking in front of him at nothing, tears in his eyes. Gibbs didn't know what to do to help him; to reassure him. He approached Tony and took the younger man in his arms. He didn't know if it was really a good idea but it was the only thing he could do to make him realize he was not alone.

At first, Tony didn't react and let Gibbs hold him but a moment later Gibbs felt him tense and try to push him away.
-What are you trying to do?
There was so much anger in his voice that Gibbs released his hold. He had wanted Tony to react and say something. Well…It was something…Not really what he had expected but anger was better than nothing.

-I'm just trying to help you, Tony.
-I see…
-No, I don't think you see…You've stayed there for hours without saying anything. I was worried.
-Nothing to worry about, Boss. I just need to stay alone.
-It won't happen, Tony.

Tony didn't reply. He only stood up and walked to his bedroom door. Gibbs caught his arms keeping him from opening the door.
-He's not here, Tony. You should not go inside.
Tony faced him and for the first time since he met him, Gibbs felt the younger man was about to hit him.
-Don't dare telling me what I should do or not do…
-I made a promise to him, Tony, and I will keep it even if I have to fight against you for that.

Tony took a deep breath and Gibbs thought he had changed his mind. It would have been too easy. The younger man pushed him away so violently that Gibbs almost fell.
-You have no right to tell me what to do, Gibbs.
-I'm still your boss, Agent Dinozzo.

Gibbs realized immediately it was not the thing to say. Tony laughed.
-My boss…Yes you're my boss. But, here, it's my apartment…my life and you have nothing to say about it.
-Tony! Please! Bran would not have wanted to see you like that.
-How do you know that? You only talked to him once…You didn't know him…
-You're right I didn't know him…So tell me about him...tell what kind of man he was…

Tony shook his head. He didn't want to talk; he didn't want to think. He knew what Gibbs was trying to do.
-Tell me who he was…Tell me what you shared with him…
-No…I don't want…I can't…
Gibbs placed a hand on Tony's arms leading him softly back to the couch. His friend was almost unable to walk…tiredness, pain; mixed emotions…Gibbs knew too well what Tony was feeling at that precise moment.

-Tony, I'm your friend and that's the only reason why I'm here…
-I know what you promised to Bran…
Gibbs remained silent for a moment trying to find the best thing to say. He knew Tony would only accept the truth.
-You're right, I've made a promise to Bran but I also made a promise to myself. I want to be here for you…and I would never ask for something you're not willing to give, Tony.
-Thank you so much, Boss…

Truth was probably not the right thing to say finally. No matter what he would say now, Tony was angry at him. In Tony's mind, Bran's death and his love for him were linked and Gibbs was aware it would be very difficult to make him change his mind and open his eyes on what Gibbs' feelings really meant.

-You know what I mean, Tony.
-No I don't know…Tell me, Boss…Does it mean you're going to wait after Bran's funeral to fuck me…?
Gibbs had always known Tony could hurt only with words but it was the first time he used this weapon against him.

-I won't even answer this, Tony. You were talking about what I had no right to make you do…And I agree with you. But, please; don't insult me. My feelings for you are real and strong and I won't let you talk like that.
Tony was giving him a puzzled look. He had expected Gibbs to yell at him and go away but he was surprised to see him so calm. Gibbs' blue eyes were looking straight at him and Tony could only see concern and love in them.

-I'm sorry, Gibbs. I didn't mean to be rude.
-You're hurting, Tony and I can understand your anger. But don't push me away…Just tell me what I can do to help you.
-There's nothing you can do…he's gone…he left me alone…

Tony could not hold back a sob. He hated feeling like that but he had no control on his emotions.
-What can I do, Tony? Please, let me help you.
Tony shook his head…He could not say a word or he would completely break down. He was feeling like his body was about to explode…His heart was beating too fast, his head was pounding.

Gibbs was close to him but he could not come closer. He wanted Tony to ask for his help. The younger man needed to say the words and accept his help willingly.
-Tell me what you want me to do, Tony.
It was really hard for Gibbs to see the man he loved in so much pain but he didn't move and waited for Tony's answer.
-Can you…hold me…please?

Gibbs put his arms around Tony's shoulder and let his friend rest his head on his chest. He didn't know how long they stayed like that but it took long minutes before Tony stopped crying. Gibbs rocked him, whispering reassuring words in his ear. Finally Tony fell asleep in Gibbs' arms.


It was a sunny day…with a bright blue sky. Tony was walking alone on the grass following the coffin. Gibbs was not far but he wanted to do it alone. Ducky was here too. Gibbs had called him and Tony was glad the ME was at his side.

He had been a good boy, listening to Gibbs and Ducky…eating everything they were giving him…he had even accepted one or two sleeping pills. He had done what he had to do to reassure them. He smiled at the thought of how easy it had been…telling them what they wanted to hear…


And today they were here. There was no one else but the three of them but Tony would have preferred being alone…alone to say good bye. But he was sure he would soon be alone. Gibbs could not keep an eye on him 24 hours a day. He was a good actor, he had learnt years ago how to wear masks and today was no different. Gibbs was a great man but he could not understand that he had lost more than his first love…

Tears were back in his eyes at the thought of what Bran had meant to him. He knew he should be glad to have known a man like him but he could only think about the loss, the pain. This man had been his family, his friend, the only one who had always been here for him. He had never let anyone come close to him…except him. He could not let anyone see who he really was, what his life had been like…not even himself.

He had lied to himself so many times; playing roles that he finally had believed them. But Bran had been the only one to know the real Anthony Dinozzo. He knew how many he had cried at night wondering why his own parents hated him. He had been there the day…even now he could not think about what happened that day but Bran had carried him to bed hold him tight for hours.


Tony realized they had stopped in front of a hole. He looked around…green grass, a tree…a nice and calm place. It seemed stupid to say something at that moment. Gibbs and Ducky had not known him and he didn't want to share anything with them for now. But Bran had asked him to say something…
"I'm sure you will find something. You always have something to say…I don't know…maybe you could sing a song…"

Tony remembered the warm smile Bran had given him when he had pretended to be hurt by his words. Tony had already told him what he wanted him to hear so he had chosen someone else's words. He had remembered this movie they had watched years ago and the poem in it. It may sound stupid but every time he had heard those words he had cried.

-Bran wanted me to say something today but I could not find the right words to say what this man was for me and how much I loved him so I will let someone else talk for me…
Tony's hands were shaking when he took the sheet of paper where he had written the poem.

-"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good" *

There was only silence now and it was better this way. No words…just feelings and emotions. Tony would have liked to stay here and just lay down on the grass waiting for death to come. His place was here with Bran, with what was left of his life…of their love…

But of course Gibbs was here and Tony followed him when he took his arm and help him sitting in the car. Tony didn't even realize Gibbs was not driving him to his apartment. When the older man parked the car in front his house, Tony exited the car and walked to the front door behind his friend.

He had no strength to argue or say he would have preferred staying home…alone with a bottle of bourbon and maybe a pill or two…He let Gibbs lead him to his bedroom and didn't resist when he took him in his arms.
Tony fell asleep in Gibbs' bed…in Gibbs' arms but he could not feel anything…not anymore.





* Funeral Blues W.H Auden.

Chapter 8
Time to say good bye.


Good bye,
It may sound weird to begin a letter with those words…but there are the only ones I can say for now. I know what you're going to do after reading this letter…but forget about it. You won't find me.
I wanted to thank you for what you tried to do but no one would ever replace Bran in my heart. My life doesn't mean anything without him…no reason to go on…I'm sorry Jethro…
I know that's not what you want to hear but I can't lie to you. I don't know what I'm going to do now but staying here is impossible. I've lost more than a friend…more than a lover. Bran was a part of myself…and this part died with him. What's left of me today is not who I want to be.
I have to go…I don't know where…but far from here…from the memories…and from you. Why? Only because I can't admit what I feel for you…I feel like I'm betraying Bran every time I look at you and think about what it would be like to share my life with you. I can't do that…

I hope you will understand and respect my choice. Don't try to find me please. You have to go on with your life. I'm sure you will find someone who will make you happy. You have so much to offer…You're a good man Jethro and you deserve to be happy. But I can't give you what you want…not now…not later…

No one ever loved me…Bran was the only one. The only one I opened my heart to and today he's gone…gone with my hopes, my happiness and everything that gave me a reason to wake up every morning. You can't survive your true love…I'm nothing without him.

Don't be sad for me…I'm not sad…To be honest, I'm not feeling anything anymore…no pain, no regrets. I'm only feeling empty and nothing will change that. I know you will disagree with me on that but I'm not like you. I'm not strong enough to face this life.

I hope you will forgive me. I didn't want to make you suffer like that.
I'm sorry, Jethro.
I love you.
Bye.
Tony.

Gibbs stayed long minutes with Tony's letter in his hands. For the first time in his life he didn't know what to do. He wanted to run and find him but he could not move. He knew what Tony wanted to do and he could not let him do that.

He wanted Tony to him a chance. He wanted him to see there was still hope, something to hold onto. But the younger man didn't even let him a chance to tell him that. He should have found a way to make him stay, to make him trust him.

Gibbs tried to call Tony's cell but no one answered. He drove to his apartment and stopped in front of a closed door. He was feeling angry and helpless. He could have opened that door but he knew Tony was not here.

He sat there on the floor. Tony's last words were still ringing in his ears… "I love you…". He had hoped to hear those words but today he hated them. How Tony could say them and leave him like that?

He wanted to disappear; to go back in time…anything would be better than stay here, unable to move…unable to think. He was paralysed by fear and pain. He read once again Tony's letter…the last link he had with him. Tony had made a choice but what he didn't know was that he had made it for both of them. He had left him telling him he would not be able to face this life.

And now, Gibbs could feel deep inside what it meant. He could feel the loss; the emptiness…Tony had refused his help, his love. The only thing he wanted now was to stay here in front of Tony's door and dream of what their life could have been. He wanted to get lost in this dream for ever because a life without Tony would be too hard to live.

He closed his eyes…he closed his heart…and let his mind bring him back to the man he loved…to the only one he would ever love…

"I love you too, Tony"…