It has been almost five weeks since I had first lost my memories. For five weeks I had been in Mexico with Franks drinking beer or bourbon, fishing, doing nothing of importance. By now I had most of my memories back though I still had considerable gaps. There were still some missing details, but they would come with time.

Unfortunately that didn't do anything to stop the nagging feeling that I still hadn't remembered something essential and I didn't even have an inkling about what that could be.

At the moment I was on my way into the small town where Franks always got his supplies from; it was my turn to make the groceries and gave me the opportunity to stay in touch with the rest of the world. I had already talked a few times with Ducky and even called Abby once.

During my stay here I'd had much time to think about my life and my current situation and I had decided to go back as soon as I had my head straight on again. I just couldn't spend my life doing nothing and neither could I leave my team; after all, they were the next thing I had to a family. And maybe then I would be able to figure out what this nagging feeling was about.

Finally I arrived at the local grocery store. The owner, a nice woman in her late fifties, had practically adopted me at our first meeting and was mothering me since then, even though I did my best to discourage this kind of behaviour. When that didn't work I'd just given up and went with it.

We were in the middle of a conversation, when I looked out of the windows as a mustang drove by. Suddenly images were flashing through my mind: me pinning Tony DiNozzo against the closed door of Tony's mustang, kissing him passionately; Tony standing next to the same mustang, saying 'I love you' before getting into the car; myself in the passenger seat, Tony in the driver's seat pulling my hand to his lips and kissing the knuckles. I gasped, gripping at the counter to hold myself up.

"Jethro, are you okay?" Elena asked me in Spanish, concern colouring her voice. Once I got a grip of myself again I answered: "Yeah, yeah, just... memories. I should go now, I'm sorry."

"Take care, Jethro!"

I made record time driving back; I really needed to think about what I had seen. At the house I put the groceries away and then went out on the beach to think.

The images I had seen were unsettling for me. Not because I was with a man – I'd had my fair share of experience with men - but because I couldn't remember anything of my relationship with Tony, apart from these flashes, and it felt right anyway. No relationship that I'd had after Shannon had felt this right. My three marriages after their death were just attempts to replace Shannon and therefore bound to fail. Everything between and after them were only more attempts to fill the gap.

That this relationship went totally against rule twelve was more of a minor thing, even if my fling with Jen should have taught me why this rule existed

I still didn't know why it should be different with Tony, why it should work with him, especially considering Tony's reputation as womaniser and my track record with marriages. At least I now knew why my marriages were always unsuccessful; after Shannon and Kelly's death I had never really dealt with my loss, had just buried my feelings, and it had thrown its shadow over every relationship I had; with one exception it seemed.

After spending hours on the beach I could remember bits and pieces of me and Tony, not all good, but in every memory I could see the love for me in Tony's eyes – and I could feel the love I held for Tony, something that scared me greatly and caused me to feel guilty.

The amount of love I felt for the Italian – I'd never felt so much for anyone except Kelly and Shannon, maybe not even for them and that was the reason I felt guilty. I'd thought she was the love of my life, I'd sworn to love her forever. How could I love someone more than Shannon? Wouldn't I betray her and the vows I gave her if I did?

These questions were probably the reason I didn't remember Tony until now. These last weeks I'd had the chance to deal with my past and that made it possible to finally deal with the present; I couldn't have managed both at the same time.

Everything was suddenly just so confusing again. At least one thing I had already decided: I would go back as soon as my memories completely returned.

~*~*~

I was on my way home after my two and a half month break, my issues finally dealt with.

After weeks of thinking I had finally come to the conclusion that I didn't betray Shannon when I loved someone else; after all, it wasn't as if I didn't love Shannon anymore and I knew she would want me to be happy, she always wanted the people she cared about to be happy. She still held a special place in my heart and always would, but I couldn't let her death control my life and possibly ruin the best relationship I ever had – provided Tony would accept me back in his life.

The last time I'd talked to Ducky a few days ago the ME told me – of course after being very happy that I had regained my memories of being with Tony - that Tony didn't seem to be dealing very good with his forced single existence.

What Ducky told me had me worried; Tony was emotionally fragile, even if nobody would believe it, and this kind of behaviour told me what an impact my rash decision to leave NCIS had had on the young man. And to think it had taken me months to get Tony to believing that his love for me actually was being returned; it made me nauseous to consider how this whole ordeal would have screwed with Tony's head.

Our relationship only started, because we had both been drunk as hell after an especially hard case, not long after the Voss case, and had ended in bed together. The next few weeks were kind of awkward with both of us not knowing how to act around each other. Finally I'd had enough of that atmosphere and just grabbed Tony. I'd dragged him into my 'conference room', where I'd proceeded to save our relationship, whatever aspect of it.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Tony started babbling, about how that night didn't have to mean anything, that they could just forget that it even happened or that, if I wanted, I would have his resignation on my desk the next day.

I finally couldn't listen to it any more and stopped his babbling by kissing him. Then I told him that neither did I want to forget that night nor did I want him to resign, which seemed to calm him down. When I was sure that Tony would stay calm, we talked. We both came to the conclusion that, additionally to being attracted to each other, we cared deeply for each other.

After that we established the rules for our relationship, because we both agreed that no one at the office could know about us.

I admitted my love to him almost two months later for the first time; he just ignored it. When I told him a week later again he brushed it away, which gave me a first glimpse at his insecurity issues.

I said it again and again and again until in the end he broke down and confessed how his parents had it ingrained in him that no one could ever love him. It really was pathetic how badly Tony's parents had messed up in his childhood.

Six months into our relationship Tony was finally able to believe it, when I told him what I felt for him. Shortly after he could even say it himself; I was so happy to finally hear him say that he loved me; there's a difference between knowing something and hearing it for yourself.

We became so close, it was almost frightening; not even with Shannon I've had this kind of closeness. He hadn't sold his apartment only because we had to keep up pretences; he'd spent almost every night a my place and the nights we weren't together none of us slept well. By then half of Tony's household had made its way to my house – the only things left at his place were things he didn't need on a daily basis, but were needed to make a home look lived in.

Tony had become such a big and important part of my life, I couldn't imagine how my life would be without him there. I couldn't bear the thought that, maybe, I had destroyed the only chance we both had of a happy life together. When I returned to D.C. I would do anything to save our relationship.

I really hoped I wouldn't have to find out what life without him would be.