A MATTER OF TRUST

Disclaimer: Don't own them, just borrowing.

Notes: Set after Heart Break. Set from both Gibbs and Ducky's perspective.


To experience an attraction first hand is so mind blowing that it takes your breath away. I mean, I had witnessed this phenomenon a number of times amongst my work colleagues, both male and female, but personally myself….

DiNozzo, dear Anthony, his face flushed with triumph like a stalking leopard who had finally captured his prey, a smile on his face like the cat who had got the cream. A visible pronouncement of his male superiority or more correctly his ability to be sucked in hook line and sinker, forgive me for being cynical.

Caitlin becomes mesmerised. I witnessed it with that terrorist Ari Haswari, she'll deny it vehemently of course, but to the trained observer it was there plain to see. That heart stopping moment when nothing else matters except the person you are with, when world could collide and it wouldn't register in your consciousness not one bit.

Jethro, dearest Jethro, the year's fall away from you. You relinquish that weight you carry upon your shoulders and relax. You cast away that bull-nosed Marine exterior and allow your true, tender self to emerge, hesitantly. I know you have been hurt many times before and each time it is harder for you to open up, but once the trigger has been set there is no escaping the trap of love.

***

So this is how it feels, to be on the other side of the fence, to be on the outside looking in. I guess I had it coming to me, although that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

I suppose turning up like that at Bethesda was the final straw. Not that it was a secret, but to blatantly flaunt it in front of the entire team was perhaps a step too far.

My preference for redheads is a well-known fact. Kate has witnessed my total disintegration at the hands of one called Melissa during a case. Although, in my defence I was buying Kate time and space to gather information pertinent to our investigation or at least that's what I have convinced myself was the reasoning behind my flirtaceous demeanour.

"Flirtaceous Demeanour" God I sound like Ducky! Anyway, she was coming on strong, how was I to resist? I think I did pretty well, coffee and a quick tat reading. If DiNozzo had been there he would have installed himself in the master bedroom and to hell with the consequences.

***

I am still unclear as to the reason for this attraction. Was it her demeanour, the sense of hidden power, forcefulness and complete control that I am attracted to, so remenisant of some else. Or was I in awe of her technical ability as a surgeon, how she can so casually open someone up and perform life saving surgery and dismiss it as another job to be done or is it that I feel inadequate in her presence, a mere Medical Examiner. No one lives or dies on my autopsy table, I do not hold someone life in my hands, although my finding can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

Or was I just glad to have someone, for however a short time, to share my professional life with? Someone, who would understand my interest in all things medical and would be able to appreciate the finer things in life. No, I am being too harsh in that last statement, I have always enjoyed the finer things in life over the last 20 years, although I am only too aware that sometimes my tastes were not shared. However, at no pint was I made to feel that I had forced anyone to do something that they were not entirely comfortable with.

***

In 20 years I have never once questioned our loyalty to one another. Even during each of my three disastrous marriages, I knew that our bond held strong, no matter what I did, however foolishly I behaved. But that day in the morgue I began to see things form the other point of view. How I have been perceived over these last 20 years and I felt a stab of pain in my heart so strong it took me surprise, leaving me speechless in front of them.

Is that how it feels each time I go astray? If so, how have we survived all these years?

***

Have I been a fool? Did I hope for something more, if I did would have got it and at what cost?

Last night was magical, something I can never hope to recreate, a one-off, unique. Would I have brought someone else, I think not. The evening would have been pleasant enough, but would have lacked the intensity that only two medical personnel can experience.

Would it have come to something else if fate had not taken a twist? I am in two minds abut this, one part blithely affirming that this liaison could have grown into something more permanent and the other one laughing, mockingly I may add, that I am too old, too staid, too set in my ways.

Perhaps I am set in my ways. Twenty years is a long time for any relationship. For all our faults and occasional waywardness an easy companionship exists. A certain knowledge that, whatever may happen, we will be there for one another.

***

Why do I feel hollow inside when I have won? Perhaps because it wasn't a victory, there was no war, no competition. If I am honest with myself, it was no different to what I might have done, the only difference was it wasn't me.

Was it done out of spite? I doubt it. Spitefulness isn't in my lovers makeup. Thoughtlessness, maybe, his habit of wandering off of the subject points to that.

Can I apportion blame? As Kate once said "You work this job 24/7, where else can you meet people?" certainly not deep in the bowels of the NCIS morgue.
No I blame no one, except perhaps myself.

How to approach our first meeting after – after what? The affair? No, affair is too grand a title to afford this event, it speaks of deceit and there certainly was none of that. All was done openly and with my full knowledge, I could have stopped it at any time, made up some emergency which required an ME's attention, but no I would never stoop that low.

***

I pause at the door, uncertain of how to proceed, what to say. Frightened, I admit, of the reception I will get inside. Will there be anger, questions, recriminations. I do hope not, but life and love can be an explosive combination.

***

There is a knock at the door. I open it to find Ducky there.
"Duck" I say quietly.

He lifts his chin slightly in order to see me clearly. I reach forward and gently tilt the brim of his hat back a smile on my lips.

"Jethro" his voice is husky, hesitant. I can see he is testing my mood, how I am going to react to his presence here on my doorstep, like a puppy uncertain of whether his master is going to stroke him or beat him. The second B may be for bastard, but not where Ducky is concerned.

***

He opens the door, the light from the hallway highlighting his silver hair. He looks at me with those grey eyes. I have known suspects turn to jelly under his piercing gaze. However, tonight, they twinkle with an inner light, a look of love.

There is a quietness in the way he says my name. An acceptance that nothing further need to be said on the subject of my, oh what should I call it, dalliance, fling, transgression, perhaps naming it gives it a substance which quite frankly it was not worthy of.

His kiss is all that I need to re-affirm our love. I step forward into the hallway, confident that I am forgive and the trust that I put in this man over 20 years ago still holds true,

END