Gone.


He is gone… He has left his job, his friends, what had made his life for years… But what hurt the most is the fact he has left me without even looking back at me.

He gave me the lead of the team…Great…I should feel proud of his trust but I don't care. I don't want to replace him in the team. I don't want to be the new boss; not because I'm not able to do it. I learnt with the best. I don't want it because HE is my boss.

He is more than that and he knew it before… before the explosion, before coma… he doesn't remember me, he doesn't remember what we had, what we shared in the last months.

When I saw him in that bed, my heart missed a bit. I thought I was about to loose him for good. I know there are risks in that job… but loosing him would have meant loosing a part of myself. And when he opened his eyes he gave me back hope… not for long.

We solved that case…kind of…It was too much for him. The memories of the death of his daughter and wife coming back to him, the injuries… But he should have trusted me enough, he should have remembered… Remembered how much he meant to me, how much I loved him.

But when I looked into his eyes there was no love, there was nothing of what he had showed me in the last months. I had seen the real Gibbs; he had opened his heart to me. And I had thought it could last forever. For the first time in my life I had allowed myself to feel.

It was not a good idea…It hurts too much now. I will not do the same mistake twice…I won't let anyone come too close to me; I won't let anyone hurt me the way he did.

I'm going on, doing my job, pretending to be the same Tony. But inside something is broken, something died when he turned his back to me without a word. I'm not feeling anything else than pain. I'm still smiling and joking but it's only an illusion; a mask I'm wearing.

But when I come back home the mask falls and the pain comes back, overwhelming. I spend most of the nights thinking or writing letters he will never read. I only fall asleep after long hours in the dark trying to find the reason why…

Why he didn't remember us; why he chose to leave… But I could only find one answer and this answer hurt more than anything else. He didn't love me enough; what he felt for me was not strong enough. He had said the words I was waiting for; he had showed me what being loved really means…

But it was a lie… I know it now. He was lying when he talked about love…I can't help shivering when I think about him, his body next to mine, his touches, his kisses. I loved him so much…I love him so much. I can't stop loving him so easily.

What am I going to do now? I don't know. Probably trying to go on and live a day after another. I will do my job the best I can. That's what Gibbs would have done. But nothing more…my goal now is to be the boss they are all expecting me to be.

But I have no strength for anything else. Gibbs took a part of me with him when he left. He took my heart, played with it…played with my feelings. I believed him when he said he loved me; that he wanted us to build a new life together. No one had ever said that to me and I wanted to be true.

I wanted him to give me the life I had dreamt of. But I'm the only one who can do that…I know that now. I've lived alone for years; taking care of myself alone. It's better this way…No one to wait for, no one to rely on but also no one to hurt you and leave you alone when you need help.

I'm back home tonight…alone once more. It's been a hard day and there's no one here to talk to, no one to share my thoughts with. Once more I can feel my eyes burn and the tears running down my cheeks.

I'm crying on my past, on the future I had dreamt to build with Gibbs at my side. I'm crying because I feel betrayed…betrayed by the man I love; the only person I've ever trusted. I'm crying because I thought it would last forever.

I've thought it would be easier to end it and leave this life. Yes, it would have been so easy but I can't do that. Gibbs would not have accepted it. It's strange to think that the man who broke my heart is also the one who is keeping me alive.

Maybe I still have hope…hope that one day he will knock at that door, enter this room and kiss me. In my dreams, he takes me in his arms telling me he is sorry; that he loves me and will never leave me.

But when I wake up I'm alone in that bed. The only sound I can hear is my own breath; the only thing I can feel on my skin is the coldness. I don't know for how long I will be able to go on like that. It's getting harder and harder to get up every day; to smile when Mc Gee and Ziva fight like children; to hide the truth to Abby or Ducky.

One night I will go to bed and never wake up.


Back.

"The old Gibbs is back". I could have smiled at Mc Gee's words if it had been the truth. Yes Gibbs is back. I don't need to pretend to be a good boss anymore. But it's not the "old Gibbs". He said he remembers everything.

I doubted it at first but it's obviously the truth. He is the same man I worked with for 3 years. But there's nothing of the man who shared my life and my bed in that man. I thought it was because some memories were still missing but I know it's not the truth.

He found the perfect way to get rid of me…pretending nothing had happened. He knows I would never ask him anything. So it will be like that between us now. He is the Boss and I'm his senior field Agent.

I should be happy to see him every day, to work at his side. But it's not enough. It's even worse to feel him so distant; to have the proof every day that what we lived doesn't mean anything to him.

Every time he comes close to me, every time he touches me I want to yell at him; I want to hurt him, to make him feel how I feel. I wish he could see what he has done to me. Love and hate are close feelings and little by little what I felt for him is changing into something I won't be able to stand.

I hate him because he left, because he lied, because he doesn't love me the way I love him…But I hate myself even more because I'm unable to forgive him.

I didn't find the words to make him stay. Maybe I didn't love him enough. I should have… I don't know what I should have done.
I could talk to him and see what he has to say. But I don't even want to do that. There are words I don't want to hear.

I'm home alone…thinking of what had happened in the last days. Director Sheppard had offered him a new team. I should have been excited but I was just surprised. I don't want to lead another team; I don't want to lead Gibbs' team either.

The only thing I want is to have him back in my life. I want to wake up every morning with him at my side. But it won't happen. Gibbs won't apologize. He won't come back to me.

I have no more hope now… nothing to leave for. Ziva asked me why I was not looking at beautiful women anymore. I only smiled and didn't answer. The truth is I don't need to pretend anymore; I have nothing to hide anymore; no secret love.

But she doesn't need to know. It's my life, my choice. I would have given him everything but he didn't accept it. I can't really blame him for that. I've never been good at loving people but this time I thought I had found true love.

The only thing I can say now is that the true love doesn't exist…at least not for me. I should have known better that believe him. There is only one thing to do now…only one way to put an end to the pain.

I'm feeling a little weird but not in a bad way. My thoughts are getting more confused but the pain is already leaving my heart. I'm feeling good, relieved. I close my eyes…I will soon fall asleep…a smile on my lips.

Gibbs is back but I'm gone…