December, 1th

McGee frowned when he entered the bullpen. Tony sat, buried in papers, at his desk. When he had left the night before they had wrapped up the case and nothing was left and therefore it was highly unusual to see Tony working at this time of day.

„Morning, Tony."

Something incoherent came back and McGee took it as an answer.

„What are you doing?"

First Tony sighed, then looked up.

„Paperwork to get permanent custody for Nick."

McGee nodded. He didn't know much, only that Tony's twelve year old daughter lived with him since two months because her mother wasn't capable to look after her anymore.

„Don't let Gibbs catch you."

„Catch him doing what?"

Gibbs strolled past them giving both a happy smile. A wiff caught Tony's nose and he was sure he smelled cinnamon. For a second Tony wondered where that could possibly come from but suddenly Gibbs stood at his desk.

„You're getting permanent custody? Rachel's not better?"

Tony shook his head.

„We were there two days ago...Nick was all that was holding her up...it's as if she has given up the fight..."

McGee couldn't deny that he was eavesdropping. It had been a shock to learn that Tony was a father, of a twelve year old (!), and he couldn't help but be curious. Before he could verbalize any question Tony's phone rang. For a few moments Tony talked with the person calling. When he hung up he rubbed his hands over his face and looked at Gibbs. The older man nodded and Tony stood and left the bullpen.

„Em..."

„She's dead, Tim."

McGee looked at him with his mouth hanging wide open and then stared after Tony.




Tony pulled to the side where an old friend of him, Detective Marshall, awaited him.

„Tony."

He said and offered him a hand. Tony noticed the red eyes of his ex-collegue but didn't mention them.

„Tom...were you..."

„I found her. This ..."

He gave Tony two envelopes.

„is for you and Nick."

Tony took them and looked at the trailer.

„You don't want to see it, buddy. There were times when she looked better."

„How?"

That lump in his throat stopped him from talking more.

„Pills and tequila. At least...hopefully...she didn't suffer."

„She did suffer, Tom. Twelve years she suffered and didn't let us know! This didn't have to happen. If I ..."

„Tony, stop, man! You did the right thing! I loved her, she was my baby sister...but it wasn't good for Nick."

Tony nodded slowly...




„Dad?"

The call came from the kitchen, like every day and Tony followed it. Nick stood at the oven, cooking something.

„Hey, Dad! Guess what! I've got an A in that math test!"

She said smiling up at him.

„That's great, honey...Nick...please sit down."

„Something wrong?"

Tony ran his hand over his face.

„Nick...your mum...she's dead."

The girl looked at him with big green eyes. Tony put the envolope with Nick's name on the table.

„This she left...NICK!"

The girl had stood and left the room before Tony could finish the sentence and he heard the door of her room slam shut.

December 2th

„Nick?"

Tony carefully knocked at his daughter's door.

„Nick, c'mon, open up."

He waited for some reaction but nothing came.

„Coming in!"

He called and opened with his key. As much as he respected her wish to be alone he hadn't seen her since the night before. The room was completely dark and there was a lump on the bed he figured to be his daughter.

„Nick, you want to stay at home today?"

The lump stirred slightly. At least I know she's alive, Tony thought warily.

„I've got to get to work...I'll come home for lunch...anything I can get you?"

Again no answer.

„Nicole Amber Marshall! Look at me."

Slowly the girl turned. Although she had his eyes she reminded him a lot on her mother, at least how she once looked. The soft mahagony brown hair and the usual porcelain teint.

„Listen, I know you're gonna miss her, and believe me, I'll miss her aswell. I won't tell you not to be sad but I want you to know that I'm here, ok, honey?"

She nodded slightly.

„Good, can I bring you anything for lunch?"

She shook her head.

„Ok..."

He kissed the top of her head.

„call me if you need me."




Tony sat there staring at the steaming cup in front of him.

„It's my fault."

Blue eyes were locked intensely on his face and although he didn't look up he was positive he wouldn't find understanding in them. He had been surprised when Gibbs had offered him a coffee and even more when they had stayed at the coffee shop.

„It's not."

„You're saying it's her fault?"

Tony couldn't help but feel angry. There were people to blame but since none of them were there he blamed the two persons available. Himself and Gibbs. Of course it was stupid, Gibbs had never met Rachel but logic wasn't his main concern.

„I wasn't saying that."

Gibbs answered calmly.

„It wouldn't help Nick if you'd blame yourself."

„But if I hadn't taken her Nick away, if I had tried to help her more, if I had kept an eye on her..."

„If, if, if. Tony, ifs won't bring her back. Listen, go home, talk to Nick. Watch out that she's ok. That should be your main concern. Live among the living, Tony."

The younger man frowned at his boss. When did he turn into somebody who gives advises?




„Nick?"

Tony called when he entered the apartment with two buckets of fried chicken wings from KFC, Nicks favourite. He found her on the couch zapping through the channels.

„Got something to eat."

He said holding one bucket out for her. She didn't even looked away from the screen.

„Nick, your favourite."

No answer again. He took the control out of her hand and gave her a bucket. He put on a football game, NCF, Southern Miss at Houston, and opened two canes of coke.

„Five bucks on Houston."

Tony grinned at her but she didn't react.

„Ok, you don't want to joke, fine, but you will eat, got me?"

She sighed annoyed but she ate at least a few wings and drank something. Before Tony could say anything she was back in her room.

Tony sat in his apartment, a football game on the plasma screen, but his thoughts were somewhere else. It was silent. Too silent. Nicole wasn't a loud child but in only two months Tony had grew used to the small domestic sounds of another person living in the flat.

But he hadn't heard anything from her all day and he had only seen her when she went to the bathroom. The TV was running only because he couldn't stand silence anymore. Gibbs had given him off and Tony was almost bouncing off the walls. Eventually he couldn't sit around anymore and he went into her room.

She lay in her bed obviously asleep. For a second Tony wanted to leave again but a letter caught his eyes. He knew he shouldn't read it but he was naturally nosy. So when he pulled the covers over his daughter he took a peek at the headline.





„I should do something."

Tony said as Gibbs passed a coffee to him.

„You should give her time."

Gibbs answered as they left the coffee shop and slowly walked back to the NCIS HQ.

„I'm worried about her. Yesterday she didn't want to go to her violin class. She plays all the time in every situation!"

„She wants to be alone."

Gibbs reasoned with him. Tony stopped.

„What aren't you telling me, Tony?"

„She doesn't talk. Nothing. Since I told her that Rachel's dead she didn't say a word...but she wrote a letter...and I don't know if I should read it."

„A letter? For who?"

Tony took a deep breath and looked around as to check that nobody was listening.

„Santa Clause."

„Santa..."

Gibbs looked at him in shock for a moment before he started walking again.

„She thinks she saw him when she was eight...I thought it was over...she stopped talking about him about a year ago...what twelve year old still believes in Santa Clause?"

Tony looked at Gibbs when he didn't answer.

„I wouldn't know, Tony. My daughter never reached that age..."

„Yeah...you're right..."

Suddenly feeling very uncomfortable Tony tried to get the subject back to his daughter.

„You think I should talk about it with her?"

They stopped in front of the NCIS building.

„Maybe you should give her some time, Tony. I think that's the best. It's only been a bit more than two days."

„I guess you're right..."

Tony smiled at Gibbs shortly before they seperated, Gibbs going back to work, Tony back home.



The whole day Tony sat in the living room unsure if he should read the letter or not. Eventually he would go in her room but she was awake but still she didn't say a single word.

December 4th

Gibbs walked into Abby's lab immidiatly turning the music down but not shutting it off.

„Hey bossman. What brings me the pleasure?"

„You've got something for me, Abs?"

He asked in a low voice and she turned to her computer. He caught her arm and turned her towards the desk.

„Oh...actually, yeah. Ducky brought it in. He said Gerald was shocked that..."

Gibbs was already flipping through the letters she had given him and he definitely wasn't spending attention.

„Abby, I need a particular one."

He said putting these in his pocket.

„What one?"

She put up a laptop she used to keep in one of her cupboards.

„NAM 5302"

Her hands stopped over the keyboard.

„But isn't that..."

„Yeah."

Typing she shook her head.

„I don't think we still have input there. NAM 5299, NAM 5300, 5301...there it is...no. Not on the list anymore. There wasn't input for two years, that throws it off the list. Your rule."

„I know that it's my rule, send Gerald there anyway."

Abby nodded confused when Gibbs walked out of the lab.









„Are you actually working or just staring at the computer screen?"

Tony looked up slowly. He wasn't very surprised that Gibbs‘ voice wasn't as grumpy as usually. In the last days his mood had been exceptionally good and he had been very nice to Tony. Probably laid something, Tony thought sourly but fought to get the picture of Gibbs‘ sweaty body on top of some female out of his head.

„Rachel's funeral is tomorrow. I have no idea what to do with Nick...you need more?"

„I think you need coffee, c'mon."

Tony followed the older man into the elevator. He did notice Ziva looking after him and probably he would have done the same in her place.






„Still nothing from Nick, huh?"

Gibbs asked carefully and Tony shook his head.

„I called the school today. They said they understand that under those circumstances she needs time to recover and since it's only three weeks until holidays it's fine if she stays at home...I would like her to go back as soon as possible but..."

He shrugged. Gibbs politely thanked the girl for the coffee, another thing Tony had learned, Gibbs was always polite to the „coffee-girls".

„Listen, why don't you just wait until after the funeral. Maybe, after she said good bye, maybe then she can think a bit more realistic about it."

„You think after the funeral she will talk to me?"

Gibbs shrugged.

„Maybe. Tony. The situation you're in is very tricky...I think everybody reacts differently to this."

Tony nodded.

„Why don't you come over tomorrow night. We drink some beer, have a pizza, watch a game. And Abby spents sometime with Nick. Maybe she talks to Abby."

„Yeah, maybe..."

December 5th


Gibbs went to open the door. He wondered who ever chose knocking although the door was open. After a short surprise when he saw Tony he remembered asking the younger man over.

„Why didn't you come in?"

He said leading into the living room where, surprisingly for Tony, a TV stood.

„I didn't want to interrupt anything."

„You wouldn't...what did you think I'm doing?"

Suddenly looking very uncomfortable Tony shifted on his feet.

„Dunno...you were in a good mood lately and...."

„You thought I have..."

Blushing a deep shade of red Tony looked at the TV.

„What games are on tonight?"









The first three quarters of the game they spent in comfortable silence with occassional comments on the game. Tony was more than happy that Gibbs didn't put him under pressure, especially after a day like this.

„How was the funeral?"

So much for that, Tony thought and sighed.

„It was nice...it was terrible. It didn't help Nick in the least."

„What do you mean?"

„None of our old friends were there. Neither her parents. We were three peoples at the funeral... can you imagine that? Noone except her brother, her daughter and me wanted to say good bye."

Tony looked at the hand that suddenly was on his knee and then at Gibbs.

„It's not about quantity at a funeral. You know, I always imagined...at my funeral there would be people I wouldn't want to see in my life, why would I want to see them when I'm dead?"

„It was sad anyway. Twelve years ago she had so many friends. And now? I don't know what happened..."

Tony dragged his hand through his hair in an awkward gesture.

„She was a beauty once. When she told me that she's pregnant I wanted to marry her. I really thought she could be the woman I spent my life with. She laughed."

Tony smiled in memory.

„She said I'm a boy and not ready for something like that. Probably she was right. Probably I wasn't even ready to become a father..."

„But you did a good job, Tony. I'm sure of that."

„Sure...for a father who comes by from time to time I was great. And Nick is great. She's into sports, just like me. Mostly we can't even bet because we like the same teams...Although last year, she bet on the Army but the Navy kicked their asses."

„Sure as hell."

Gibbs answered laughing together with Tony.

„But it wasn't good for Rachel. Maybe I was a boy but...her taste in men? It's what brought her so far. She never was a bad mother though. She spend most of the money she got from me for that fancy private school Nick went to. I was just a cop back then, couldn't affort more...when I started working for you I payed the fees but then Nick took violin classes...Rachel always took care that Nick could do what she wanted to. They lived in that shabby trailer but they both were fine with it...Men did that to Rachel. She wouldn't have drunken and I wouldn't have taken her Nick..."

„Tony, don't go there."

Tony ran his hand over his face. Gibbs looked at him intensely.

„You're right. I'm just happy I never was like them."

Tears came into his eyes and he wasn't able to hold them back anymore.

„God, I'm gonna miss her so much. It had been a long time since we've been lovers but she was my best friend...she helped me through everything. I...I remember her staying the night at my place when I cried because my boyfriend...."

He stopped. Suddenly he had felt that at ease that the words had come out without thinking and now Gibbs knew. Now he had told Gibbs more than he ever wanted. Actually, no, he wanted to tell Gibbs, but he was sure the other man wouldn't react the way he wished.

He buried his face in his hands unable to hold back the sobs that rocked through his body now. He had fucked it up. Now on top of it all he would have to move on.

„Tony, look at me..."

He felt a soothing hand on his back and the sobs faded slowly. After a moment he looked up into warm blue eyes and before he knew what was happening he felt Gibbs‘ lips brush softly over his.

He kept his eyes closed, unsure what he would see if he opened them again. Would it all be a dream? This couldn't be true, could it? Slowly he blinked them open when a surprisingly soft thumb caressed his cheekbone. Without thinking anything he leant in for a deeper kiss.

And he wasn't disappointed. He felt how he was pressed down onto the couch slowly. Teeth were sharp but gentle on his neck and provoked a low moan that sounded more like a whimper. Probably that was why Gibbs looked him deep in the eyes.

„You're ok, Tony?"

„Getting there..."

Tony said and pulled Gibbs down yet again. This time more secure about his place in Gibbs‘ bed he started to unbutton the older man's shirt. He surpressed a moan when Gibbs palmed his cock and gave it a squeeze.

„No need to be quiet."

Gibbs whispered hot in his ear before he nippled along the ear finally reaching the earlope.

„I want to hear you. Let me hear your pleasure. Pant, moan and scream for me. Before this is over you'll be screaming my name, Tony. Let me hear it..."

„Gibbs."

The whisper left him when there was another squeeze on his dick.

„Just like that..."

He felt tucking at his pants and somewhere in his mind he knew Gibbs was opening his belt.

„Bed, now."

He pressed out feeling lucky that he was able to form any words. Before he could open his eyes he was pulled up and already pushed backwards with a hungry mouth on his own. Although it couldn't be more than a few minutes it felt like hours when he finally fell backwards onto the bed.

His shirt was already missing lying somewhere between the living room and the bedroom and finally he got a chance to expose the other man's upper body.

„You sound like a cat."

Gibbs chuckled at the appreciating purr that left Tony when he stroke through the older man's soft chest hair. As if that had triggered something Tony spun them around pinning Gibbs onto the mattress.

„Maybe I am...maybe I'm looking for some milk to lick."

Reminding himself once more that he wasn't that good in dirty talking he simply bend down and made his lover forget his comment with a sould sucking kiss. Kissing his way down Tony noticed that Gibbs didn't only smell like cinnamon, he tasted like the cinnamon waffles the german housemaid used to bake as long as she was in the DiNozzo household...two years...

Tony and Gibbs were both panting by now and both sighed in relief when their pants were off. Tony enjoyed the full skin contact for a moment before the need for more became overwhelming.

„Have you..."

„First drawer."

Tony opened it.

„Nothing."

„Try the second..."

Gibbs said and Tony looked but had no luck.

„Can't be true...not now!"

Gibbs grumbled and opened the first drawer again. Reaching in he recieved a brand new tube of lube and an unopened pack of condoms.

„I'm sure they haven't been there..."

„You really want to wonder about that now?"

Before Tony could even think of an answer his back hit the mattress and his head luckily the pillows. Unbelievably fast Tony hissed as a slicked finger worked its way inside him.

„Please...more..."

Tony was surprised that he begged that fast. Actually he was surprised that he begged at all. Anyway it seemed they were the right words to drive Gibbs on because a second finger entered him, and soon a third. And all of them were quickly replaced by the blunt head of Gibbs‘ cock. Tony took all his control until Gibbs was settled before he once more turned them around straddling the other man.

„Just like that."

He moaned as he braced himself on Gibbs‘ thighs and took the older man as deep as he could. He set a hard pace and they were both breathing hard. He let out a scream as a hand took his penis in a firm grip, matching the hard pace with strokes and squeezes.

„God...Gibbs...gotta...gotta come..."

„Let it go, Tony. Let it all go. Come for me, babe..."

Coming in three long strokes Tony clenched down on the other man and he knew that Gibbs was coming when his hips jerked up.

Hissing when he pulled Gibbs out of himself he fell onto the bed and barely heard the murmered „so beautiful" before he was out cold.

December 6th


„Ouch!"

Tony winced when he turned in sleep and was suddenly bright awake.

„No! No, no, no! This couldn't..."

„Whasematter?"

He heard a sleepy voice next to him and was short of jumping out of the bed.

„God...I have to...I need..."

„Tony, what's wrong?"

„I have to go home...Nick...I let her alone..."

He murmured as he tried to collect his cloths.

„You didn't. Abby's with her."

„Nick barely knows Abby! I'm her father...I shouldn't be...Shit!"

He stumbled and crashed against the wardrobe in a try to put on his pants.

„Tony, it's 3 AM. If Abby didn't have it under control she would have called."

„That's not it...I...I can't do this to her."

„You can't do what to her?"

Tony sank down on the floor his back against the wardrobe.

„This...you and me? She just has lost her mother...She has to go through enough...I can't come home from my homosexual lover...I can't have a homosexual lover."

He buried his face in his hands for a moment before he stood up and tried to find his shirt.

„Tony, wait...you're telling me that this was a one time?"

„No...yes...I mean...I didn't mean it to be but it is...I can't be with you."

Gibbs saw hurt in Tony's eyes and he couldn't understand why the younger man was doing that to himself, and to him.

„But...if you want to be..."

„I'm a father, Gibbs! It's not about what I want! It's about what's good for Nick..."

„And you think it wouldn't be good for her if you're happy?"

„You don't understand it!"

„You're right! I don't understand it! Explain it to me."

Tony looked at him for a moment his mouth open trying to find a way to express everything.

„She's-...She already doesn't talk to me, God knows why...I can't put that burden on her aswell."

„But it could make you stronger..."

Tony shook his head.

„Maybe...and maybe it would make my relationship with her more complicated. I can't Jethro..."

Tony walked to the door, finally remembering that his shirt was somewhere out there.

„Why didn't you just say it was only sex?"

„‘Cause I know how that feels...and I don't want you to think you were only comfort...you weren't."

With that he left the bedroom and a few minutes later Gibbs heard the door shut quietly.









When Tony closed the door he first collapsed against it. Five years he had dreamed of being with Gibbs and now he had had him, and left him. Everything was confusing him and when he slowly entered the living room he didn't knew if he should cry or smile.

Abby sat on the couch sleeping soundly. Nick lay in her arms. He didn't know if the goth had made any progress but Nick seemed to sleep without nightmares for the first time in the last five days.

Quickly he went into his bedroom and shut the door as silent as he could. He just reached the bed before he collapsed on top of it crying yet again. He didn't really know about what he was crying. If it was that he had just seen that his daughter trusted Abby more than him. Or that he had left the man he had fallen for hard. Or if he cried about the loss of a loved one.

He heard the door open but couldn't bring himself to care.

„Tony?"

He felt the bed dip and a hand on his shoulder.

„Honey, what's wrong?"

Abby's voice sounded so much after Rachel's that the sobs increased shaking through his body. Abby's arms came tight around his body and he let himself be hold although it wasn't the person he wanted it to be.






Later Tony carried Nick in her bed and sat in the kitchen with Abby. She looked sadly at him after he had told her everything about the night before.

„And you really think Nick wouldn't want it?"

Tony shrugged half hearted. He was tired. Physically and emotionally.

„She didn't say anything to me either."

Abby said when he didn't continue.

„Ok, you want me to stay?"

„No, you...you can go home...I guess I'll need a bit time alone."

Abby nodded and kissed him on the cheek.

„Everything is going to be ok, Tony. I know that."

December 7th


Abby looked up when she felt his presence but his face let her swallow everything he was about to say.

„Tell me you've got it."

He said and she bit her lower lip.

„I've got it."

She said slowly.

„You're lying?"

„Yes...I had no opportunity to get it. Sorry, Gibbs."

He nodded slowly.

„And Gerald had no luck either?"

„No, and I mean...he gets them all!...Usually..."

Gibbs nodded again and then sighed.

„Did Tony tell you?"

„Yeah...he wasn't in the best mood when he got home...Not what I'd expect after...what happened?"

Gibbs shrugged.

„He thinks it's not good for Nick...maybe he's right,...I mean I can understand his sorrows...but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

„Sure, but there's nothing you can do against it anyway."

Suddenly Gibbs frowned.

„What if there is..."

„Huh?"

„What if Nick is better...then there wouldn't be a reason why Tony couldn't be with me, right?"

„Em...I guess..."

Smiling Gibbs walked towards the door.

„I suppose you have a plan?"

Abby called after him but he was long gone.




Tony entered Nick's room after he had knocked. She sat at her desk doing the homework Tony had picked up from a friend of her. He kissed the top of her head, tired of talking and not getting an answer. It was then that he noticed yet another letter for Santa Clause on her desk.

„Honey..."

He started but he wasn't sure if he should go on. If it helped her in any way, maybe it was good. She looked at him with big eyes and he smiled.

„You want pizza tonight?"

She shrugged one sholder and he nodded. It was the most common answer from her nowadays.

„Nick...I know this is a hard time but it's not helping your mother that you're turning yourself inside. I want to help you...Ok, if you don't want to talk to me...maybe you can talk to Abby...Nick, c'mon, babe, talk to me."

The girl just sighed and Tony took the hint. He stood up and looked at his little princess once more before he closed the door. This time he succeeded to surpress his tears. How was he supposed to be a father if his girl wasn't talking to him?

You are no father anyway, that cynical voice in his head chimed and he sighed. It was true. He was no father, never had been. He didn't knew what a father does, his father definitely was not a good example, and most definitely not one he wanted to live after.

Gibbs was a father once, the same voice said and he shook his head. He couldn't go to Gibbs. Not after what had happened. The other man would get it wrong, or worse he would see it as what it is, a try to be near him. Why was this all so fucking complicated?

„Gibbs? Why are you still here?"

Abby walked into the bullpen. It was ways past ten and the day had been long enough.

„Waiting."

He answered. For a week he had done nothing but waiting, no he had been waiting for five years. And the last days Tony had barely looked at him, yet talked to him.

„For what?"

„I'm waiting that Tony goes to bed."

She raised her eyebrow.

„I need it, Abby."

„You're choice, but don't make him even more angry."

She walked away before Gibbs could reply anything.






Tony jerked up. He didn't knew what waked him and he rubbed his eyes to look at the clock. Not even eleven. Only a few months ago he wouldn't be in bed that early, never, as if it had been a rule he had to keep to. But he had went in early to get his paperwork done so there was no need to stay in longer if there was no case.

And then there it was again. A sound in the apartment, low, but Tony knew somebody was walking around. He figured it was Nick but when he didn't hear the room to the bathroom which was right next to his room he stood up throwing on his robe over his pj buttoms and taking his gun out of habit.

He saw a shadow that was too big to be his daughter and aimed. He opened his mouth but before he could say something the stranger moved into the small light that came in from the street lights. He recognized the reflexion of silver hair.

„Gibbs?"

He whispered putting his gun down. The older man stepped a bit closer and he could see his face, an expression of lust as his eyes wandered over his body.

„What are you doing here?"

Without answering Gibbs stepped up to him and took the gun out of his hand with his one hand while the other stroke over Tony's bare chest.

„What do you think?"

„Jethro...don't..."

„No?"

The older man kissed his neck one hand still on the younger man's chest.

„Please...don't...don't make me do that..."

„Already begging? Huh? You've done that the othe night aswell, remember?"

Gibbs moved to Tony's jaw nippling at the sweet spot that made Tony whimper. Tony was caught up in the feeling that he didn't notice that they were moving slowly towards his bedroom.

„You could do it again, couldn't you? Beg me?"

„Jethro...Nick...she's asleep just over there..."

Even if he wanted to say more Gibbs‘ mouth closed over his and his back hit the wall of his bedroom. As if it came from a far distance he heard the door of his room close.

„I can keep quiet. Can you?"

„Please...don't, Jethro..."

Gibbs returned to nipple on Tony's jaw as his hand slowly slid down over the well defined belly. He flattened it and wanted to slip it into the silk pants but a firm grip stopped him.

„I said no."

Tony said his voice steady and his hand pushed Gibbs‘ away.

„Go, Jethro...Just leave me alone."

For a second Gibbs could only stare at him but then Tony pushed him further away so he turned and left the apartment. Tony waited until the door closed before he sank down on the wall returning to his tears.

December 9th


When Tony woke up the sun was shining bright through the window absolutely not matching his mood. He didn't knew when he had moved to the bed and he didn't care. His eyes were swollen and he could think of a thousand things he'd prefer to do than to go into work.

He turned around and found Nick asleep next to him. He stroke her hair out of her face and she opened her eyes.

„What do you do here?"

She just looked sadly at him. Tony figured she had had a nightmare and he had to smile when he realised that that meant she felt safe with him. She raised her head to look past him at the clock.

„Don't wanna go in."

Tony said and noticed he sounded like a child and Nick looked at him exactly like a mother.

„Okay, okay, I'll just grap a shower."

And get his scent off me, he added inwardly. Then he realized that he was used to it that she didn't talk and that freaked him out again. Swallowing hard he stood up and went into the shower.







Tony expected the blast when he went into the office. He had made it to his desk and nothing had come yet although Gibbs was sitting at his desk.

„You're late."

He stated calmly. Calm is not good, for everybody who doesn't know. If Gibbs is screaming, yelling, barking and grumbling everything is fine. If he is calm then you have to worry. And Tony knew that.

„I overslept. Won't happen again."

Gibbs only nodded and that didn't calm Tony down. Sitting quietly he felt Ziva and McGee looking at him but he didn't care. Nothing was normal in the last week and they had to notice at some point.

It stayed silent for more than half a hour but then Gibbs stood up.

„DiNozzo."

Strange how much a name can say. Although, of course, it wasn't really the name but the tone of voice Gibbs used. Tony knew he had screwed up, he wasn't sure what, but he was positive he had. But something was unusual. Instead of ripping him a new one in the middle of the bullpen Gibbs lead Tony into the elevator. And Tony wasn't sure what was worse.

„What is this?"

Gibbs asked holding up a paper once the elevator had stopped.

„My report."

Tony answered coldly. He wasn't in the mood for games.

„That's a report? Didn't notice."

He threw it at Tony and the younger man sighed.

„Do it again, and this time spent attention."

He turned to the button.

„Sure, it's about the report."

Tony mumbled and Gibbs spun around again.

„What did you say?"

„You're just pissed because I rejected you last night! I expected you to be more professional about it."

„Professional? I am professional! That report could have been written by a first grade but not by a Special Agent of my team! Not by my second-in-command!"

„I have personal problems! I was distracted! You know that!"

Tony yelled back. By now they were both fuming with anger.

„Then take time off! Personal problems cannot affect work! Now it's only a report! Maybe it's when you're covering one of our backs next time! I have personal problems aswell but I don't let them affect my work!"

„That's different!"

„Because it's your daughter? True! That's different. But if you are not capable of focusing on work you should stay at home! Are you requesting time off?"

For a moment they just stared at eachother.

„No...and I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

„Damn right."

December 10th


Gibbs powered up the laptop McGee had put up for him. The younger man had been right, this system works faster and better than the old one. Gibbs had spent the whole night reviewing the file NAM 5302 and now he was nearly done. He opened the last input.

NAM 5302. December 16. 2003

It was nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing unexpected. He shifted in his chair and took the letter he had gotten from Nick's room when he was at Tony's apartment. This could be his ticket back into Tony's bed but the way he got it made it even more difficult. He had had a good plan, sneaking into Tony's apartment, getting the letter, and get the hell out of there. Easy, simple...but if it was that simple Gerald would have made it. Or Abby. When Tony had showed up he had to react and to tell him that he came for him wasn't exactly a lie.

He opened the letter but didn't read. It was difficult, this time. He remembered sneaking into Kelly's room to read her letter to Santa Clause but this was different. He knew that this wouldn't be a wish list.


Dear Santa,

I hope you remember me, Nicole. We've even met some years ago, but probably you've met a lot of children and I'm nothing special that you had to remember. You see, everybody kept telling me that you don't exist and therefore I stopped talking to you and writing to you but now I have noone to turn to.

As you surely know my Mum has killed herself a few days ago. Pain pills because she couldn't bare the pain anymore.

Dad is responsible for that pain. I know he didn't want to hurt her when he took me to him and at first I really liked it at his place. You know, he has a real apartment, nothing like our trailer. But I know that it was why Mum killed herself. If I had been there I would have looked after her. That's what I did all my life. But now I wasn't there. And that was why she killed herself.

I'm not completely sure what I should wish for my christmas. I don't want toys or something. Actually all I want is my Mum back but I know that isn't possible. So maybe you could make it that my Dad and me, that we're get along. That we can talk. That I find the words to tell him what I think. And most important, that he listens and doesn't desperately tries to help me. I'm not a child who needs help, but I know that he needs my help with something. I can see it in his eyes.

I don't know if you can make something out of this and even if not thanks for listening, or reading.

In love, Nick.




Gibbs swallowed hard. This definitely was an unusual letter. He had to think hard to know what to make out of it. She wanted to help Tony more than she wanted to be helped. This was a really unusual twelve-year-old and he certainly had to make that clear to Tony.

December 11th


When Gibbs entered the office his eyes were red and swollen. The whole night he had read Nick's letter over and over again trying to figure out how to fix this. The bullpen was already quite busy and Tony sat behind his desk obviously working concentrated.

„DiNozzo..."

„The report is nearly done, boss. You'll have it by nine am."

„Actually I wanted to talk..."

„Sorry, but I'll have to concentrate or the report won't be on your standard."

Wow. A slap in the face would have been more subtil, Gibbs thought. He nodded and went to his desk. Of course it had to get back into his face when he freaked saturday. It always happened when he lost control.



Tony watched under his eyelashes how Gibbs went to his desk. He had noticed the red eyes and the stiff movements, but he thought the older man had probably drunken and had fallen asleep under the boat once more. Sometimes he wondered how Gibbs managed to be on time anyway but as always he did it away as one of those mysteries he'd never reveal...and as one of those mysteries he really wanted to reveal.

But then Ducky entered the bullpen and walked straight to Gibbs. They hadn't had any case yet and as far as he knew there was no body in Ducky's morgue. The two men talked too low to get anything but the elderly ME shifted just in time for Tony to see how Gibbs took a pack of letters and put them into one of his drawers. Tony frowned about it but dismissed it just as quickly.





„Tony, I really have to talk to you."

Gibbs said as they were just on their way up from the evidence garage. Tony stood deliberately between Gibbs and the buttons.

„And I, Gibbs, really don't want to talk about anything that is not job related."

„And if it was?"

„Then you'd already said it and you wouldn't start the conversation like a dear-John speech."

For a second Gibbs didn't knew what to answer and when he did it was very low.

„I didn't want to do a dear-John speech...It's about Nick..."

„I don't want to talk about Nick, either. As you said my personal problems should stay out of the office and this elevator is in the NCIS building and therefore evidently belongs to the office."

The door opened and Tony was out just as quickly. Annoyed both men sat at their desks. McGee and Ziva kept changing nervous glances, the math was easy to do. Pissed of Gibbs. Not really unusual, still no good. Pissed of Tony. Very unusual and not really good. Pissed of Gibbs and Tony. VERY BAD! Tony was the only one to get to Gibbs when he was in one of his moods but if Tony was in an equal mood, help us Lord!

Both kept hitting the keys of their keyboards way too hard and McGee silently wondered when the computers would turn off just out of protest. They were watching eachother intensely, of course only when the other wasn't looking. It was in one of those moments that Tony noticed that Gibbs once more got post. This time delivered by Abby. The pack of letters was big, at least thirty or fourty letters, and this time Tony saw in which drawer Gibbs disposed them. This time he didn't dismiss it that easily although he found a way to spend his time better.





In his lunchbreak Tony went home and spent a lunch in surprisingly comfortable silence with his daughter. For once Tony didn't mind that she didn't want to talk since he didn't seem to have any strengh to say more than hello when he came and a see you later when he went back to work.




Around five Tony had finished every paperwork he could think of and put some of the files on Gibbs‘ desk. His boss nodded and opened the drawer to take out the paperclips.

„Wait...where did all the letters go?"

Tony asked and stared at the drawer.

„What letters?"

Gibbs asked innocently and closed it again.

„The letters Abby and Ducky brought you today. You've put them in that drawer!"

Gibbs frowned at him.

„I've disposed them in my lunch break."

Tony considered asking what letters they were but then, he didn't want to talk to Gibbs, or rather he kept telling himself that he didn't want to talk to Gibbs.

December 12th


„Abby, I don't know."

Tony held his cell phone between ear and shoulder as he made breakfast. It was his way to repay Nick for cooking that often. She didn't talk, but she cooked...

„I'll ask her...yeah...she's up...see you later."

The girl slurfed into the kitchen. That was new, too. Usually she was a morning person, what lead to jokes from Tony that if hadn't been there he wouldn't believe she's his daughter.

„Hey, Nick. Abby just called. She said you might be interested in a guided tour through the lab?"

She shrugged.

„That a yes?"

She nodded and shrugged at the same time. He put her plate in front of her and again they ate in silence.



„Hi, Nick!"

Abby said and hugged the girl nearly ignoring Tony. She immidiatly tugged her towards her new baby, Tony couldn't remember the name of it but Abby was extremely proud. She started her usual geek blubber and Nick even seemed to understand it. She never failed to surprise Tony and with a wave of his hand he went up into the bullpen.



Most of the morning went without anything big happening. Around eleven they caught a case and at noon they were done with the scene and back in the office. Tony felt Gibbs‘ eyes on him all day but he made it through it without Gibbs getting him to talk. He still wanted to tell Gibbs all his sorrows but he had enough control to keep it to himself.

The two of them went into the lab to see what Abby could get out of the evidence.

„Hi, guys!"

Abby called when the door opened and just then she turned around.

„You became a psychic?"

Tony laughed and spotted his daughter coming from the ballistic lab. He turned to the computer Abby was about to show them something when something unexpected happened.

„Santa!"

Three pairs of eyes were on Nick. The girl stared at Gibbs in return.

„What did you say, honey?"

Tony asked crouching down on her level.

„He's Santa Clause, Dad! You see? I told you he's real!"

Tony looked at his daughter, then at Gibbs, back at his daughter.

„Sweety, that's my boss, Jethro Gibbs. He's not Santa Clause."

He laughed and looked at the other two for support, but didn't found it. They changed a look and Gibbs sighed.

„Actually, Tony, she's right."

„What?"

The young man simply glared at Gibbs.

„What the hell are you thinking?"

„Tony, she's right. I am Santa Clause!"

„Sure, and Abby's an elf!"

„Yep, I am."

Nick and Tony looked from one to the other.

„You're not."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement.

„I am. Tony, think about it..."

„I don't want to think about it! You're not Santa Clause! And Abby's not an elf! Santa Clause does not exsist! If you think that'd help Nick you're wrong! How am I suppose to tell her now that it's not true? Huh? As if I hadn't had enough problems already!"

She took his daughter by her hand and went out.

December 13th


It was early in the morning but Nick woke from the scent of bacon and coffee. When she got into the kitchen the room was litterly spick and span. She looked at her father but Tony was busy cleaning the dishes. Noticing that he didn't change the plate for more than five minutes she took it out of his hand and started to dry it. He looked at her and continued with another dish.

He nodded towards the table and she saw a plate for her but none for him. He shook his head when she looked at him and she sat down and started to eat.

"Dad?"

Tony didn't turn but she assumed he was listening.

"You're boss is really not Santa?"

Her voice was low and she swallowed when she noticed his rubbing on the dish becoming harder. She took it as a hint that he didn't want to talk about it right now and she returned to her meal.




The day stayed silent in the DiNozzo apartment. Tony didn't try to talk to Nick and she was just as happy about it. One could think Tony was more than happy about the few words his daughter had said but of all he wanted to hear, that Gibbs was Santa Clause was nothing of it.

When the phone rang around noon Tony didn't even bothered answering. He had called the director's assistant that morning that he would take a few days of because of personal problems and knowing about Tony's situation at home Cynthia had called back that the director had given him the week off.

"Dad, it's Abby."

Nick said entering Tony's office with the phone. He simply shook his head.

"He can't get on the phone right now, Abs...yeah, try it later."

She hung up and sat on the chair next to Tony's desk.

"Is this the paypack for the days I didn't talk?"

"It's not."

"Oh, it's alive...Dad, c'mon."

"What? I have off and I don't want to talk to them at the moment...If you need me you know where I am. If one of them calls I'm not at home."

"Maybe you should talk to Sa...to Gibbs."

She caught it just as he threw her a glare. She still believed that Gibbs was in fact Santa Clause.

"No. Talking to him didn't help and it won't help."

He turned back to his laptop and continued typing what ever he was working on. She nodded and left the room but she took the phone with her. Tony sighed. He knew he wasn't doing this the way he should but everything was just too much.

December 14th


Slightly annoyed Gibbs went to the door at a low knock. He wondered who would come at that time especially when he was once in his life late for work. It definitely was a surprise to see Nick in front of his door.

"Nick, what are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you?"

Gibbs nodded and stepped aside. Leading her into the kitchen he sat down opposite her, oblivious that he had to go to work.

"You have to talk to Dad."

He sighed.

"I don't think he wants to see me."

"He doesn't believe you that you're Santa Clause but I know that you can help him...us..."

"Nick, have you tried to talk to him? That's what he really needs."

The girl shook her head determined.

"He needs you. I saw you at home the other night...I saw you kissing dad...what did you do to him?"

"What do you mean?"

Gibbs was honestly confused. He hadn't noticed that Nick had woken up while he was at Tony's apartment getting the letter and now he thought Tony's sorrow that Nick wouldn't take it good were true.

"You went into his bedroom and a minute later you left...and he cried. I stayed the whole night with him but I think he didn't even notice me. Why did you hurt him?"

"I didn't."

Gibbs said low.

"He wanted me to leave."

Nick looked sadly.

"I'm sure he has his reasons for that...but Santa, he hasn't eaten anything yesterday and he was barely talking...that's not my Dad anymore."

"I can't help him if he doesn't want me to help him."

"Try!"

She said and stood up.

"I need my Dad and I know that it's partly my fault that he is like that. If I could do it again...I would do it different...and now he doesn't want to talk to me anymore...We never were that distant...even when he was living in Baltimore and we were still in Philly..."

A loud knock on the door interrupted her. Gibbs mentioned her to wait a moment and went to open. In front of the door stood a very pissed Tony.

"Is she here? NICOLE!"

He pressed past Gibbs into the kitchen where he found his daughter.

"In the car right now."

He said fuming. She looked from him to Gibbs.

"What part didn't you understand?"

When she left for the car she had tears in her eyes and Tony waited until the door had closed.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?"

He yelled at Gibbs.

"She came to me, Tony!"

"Have you any idea how worried I was? I wanted to wake her and she wasn't there! Why did you have to tell her that you're Santa Clause?"

"Tony, I am..."

Before he was finished Tony stormed out of the house.

"Fucked up royally."

Gibbs muttered as the door slammed shut.

December 15th



It was in the late afternoon when Tony came to Gibbs' house. He had come to a final decision, and he was sure it was the only solution so he and Nick would get along again. So he stood there in front of his boss' house and he realised that it was hard to move on. Harder than he had expected.

"It's just a letter, DiNozzo. Put it into the post box and get the hell away."

He muttered and turned his resignation in his hands. Suddenly the door swang open and he once more fell into the deep oceans of Gibbs' eyes.

"Tony, what..."

"Why are you at home?"

"Jen put us all on vacation until after Christmas. We've got too much time in and...what are you doing here?"

He eyes dropped to the letter in Tony's hands and then went back to Tony's green eyes.

"Come in."

"There's no need, Gibbs, I just..."

"I said, come in."

Tony sighed and scratched the back of his neck before he reluctantly went into the house.

"You won't quit."

"That's not your decision, you know! This...this isn't good. Neither for me nor for Nick. You said it should be my main concern that Nick's ok and she isn't, thanks to you."

"Tony! Stop! Listen to me for just a minute! I really am Santa Clause."

"Don't give me that bull..."

"Think about it, Tony! I know when you're lying. I know when you've done something. And when you were here...you remember that there weren't any lube or condoms when you looked but I found them?"

"That's all circumstancial! I'm a bad liar! And that...I don't know...I guess I was high on hormons!"

"Tony, when I was at your place I came to get Nick's letter for me. You saw me getting letters from Ducky and Abby which miraculously disappeared!"

Tony shook his head vehemently and turned to the door. He dropped the letter on the table next to it and suddenly everything faded black.

December 16th


Tony slowly woke from a really restful sleep. The matress he was lying on was the most comfortable one his back ever had the pleassure to meet. The pillows were as soft as clouds and he smelled a mixture of cinnamon, vanilla and coffee. Frowning at the bitter smell between the sweet ones he opened his eyes and could only stare.

"Finally awake?"

He heard the deep raspy voice of his boss but he was too distracted by his surroundings to even wonder why Gibbs was in the room he just slept in.

"Not sure."

He answered looking from the deep red heaven of the bed to the warm orange of the walls, which were, by the way, exceptionally high. Confused by the oversize of the furniture and happy colours he finally looked at Gibbs and if his jaw already had lay in his lap he didn't knew where it was now. His boss was essentially looking just as always but his clothing was that out of place that they fitted perfectly into this room which seemed to be extremely out of place itself. Tony couldn't tell the fabrik, and he wasn't really surprised to find himself wanting to touch and find out, but the colour was enough. Magenta. The shirt emphasized the broad chest and the pants, Tony noticed when Gibbs turned around to get a coffee from the tray, was thight in all the right places. All the right places, Tony thought when Gibbs turned back to him. A chuckle pulled him back and he realised that Gibbs must have seen his gaze. Blushing deeply that it matched Gibbs' shirt he started to climp out of the sinfully comfortable bed.

"Where the hell am I?"

Gibbs chuckled again.

"I thought you might want to guess."

Tony checked that he was dressed before he stood up and looked around the room again.

"I'll give you a hint. I'm Santa and this is my winter residence."

Gibbs said and the warm chuckle was still evident in his voice.

"Sure, now you tell me this is the north pole...don't say it!"

He held up a hand, partly to stop Gibbs and partly so he wouldn't see the older man, and sighed.

"Just...bring me back."

He said exasperated.

"I'm afraid I can't."

"Gibbs! I got a daughter to care for."

"Don't worry. She's here."

"SHE'S HERE? And you tell me not to worry!"

He stormed to the huge wooden door and swang it open only to slam it shut again.

"I wanted to warn you, but you were to fast."

Gibbs said nonchalant and sipped his coffee. Tony stared at the door as if he could still see what was behind it.

"There were...that was...this is a dream! That's it! A dream!"

He said closing his eyes and repeating the words like a mantra. He was surprised that his mind didn't want to believe what his mouth was saying.

"It's not a dream, Tony. I'm Santa Clause, this is the north pole and what you just saw was..."

"Don't!"

Tony had started to pace up and down still repeating the words. After a while Gibbs sighed and sat down letting the younger man pace until he was nearly running a whole into the floor before he sat down taking a deep breath.

"Where am I?"

Tony said and Gibbs waited until he was sure he wouldn't be interrupted.

"North pole."

"And you are..."

"Santa Clause, yes..."

Tony nodded slowly before he started to laugh hysterically.

"And you want me to believe that? God...why am I believing you?"

Gibbs smiled slightly and shrugged. Tony buried his face in his hands.

"And what am I doing here?"

He mumbled.

"I have to show you what's important. But before I'll give you a tour...oh, and don't be shocked. You'll see some familiar faces."

"What?"

Tony's head snapped up and he looked at Gibbs with big eyes.

"Abby, Ducky, Gerald and McGee. They're elves."

"Elves? What about Ziva?"

Tony asked desperately trying to get his mind around this.

"She's jewish."

Gibbs said as if it was a completely stupid question to ask but for once in life Tony really thought there weren't any stupid questions. He took deliberate slow breaths.

"I told Abby to bring Nick after you... were unconscious."

"I don't wanna know what happened, right?"

Gibbs shook his head.

"And you can't bring me back?"

"Listen, I just want you to talk to Nick. When that's done you can go, if you want to."

Tony nodded slowly and followed Gibbs out of the room. The whole time as they wandered through what Tony only could call a factory...like the chocolate factory of Willy Wonka though, he kept staring at everything. He looked from the small elves to the big ones that actually looked like humans except for the ears. He barely listened to Gibbs telling him the different functions of the rooms they passed but he did notice the happy tone in Gibbs' voice and thought that maybe this was he and his daughter actually needed. He shook his head again repeating the words "This is just a dream" only this time mentally.

"This is the computer center."

Gibbs said when they stopped in front of a steel door.

"You've got computers on the north pole?"

Tony asked with a frown and Gibbs returned a grin.

"Only since McGee's here. Abs tried to talk me into it for years but when there were two of them I couldn't say no anymore...the bastards know when I'm vulnerable."

"Vulnerable? You?"

"Around Christmas I...I can barely say no. Goes with all that magenta clothing and stuff, you know. Being Santa Clause..."

Tony shook his head when Gibbs opened the door. Tony couldn't say he had seen many computer centers but those he had seen had nothing to do with this. The computers were colourful and there were blinking lights everywhere. He heard two fimiliar voices behind a monitor but he saw only the tips of four ears.

"Tim, Abs. Tony woke up."

The ears shot up and reveilled the heads belonging to them. Next thing he knew was that he had Abby hanging on him.

"So great you finally know! And believe! You do believe, right?"

"I believe this is a dream...I guess...I hope."

"It's not, DiNozzo, I told you, can we move on?"

Gibbs said with an slightly annoyed sigh although it seemed as he couldn't get the smile out of his face. Moving around the factory and meeting Ducky and Gerald Tony still couldn't wrap his head around all that. He sat in the room he had woken up in with Gibbs eating dinner.

"Can I see Nick?"

"Not just yet. She's...acclimatizing. Abby's looking after her. She woke up short time after we were at the computer center."

Tony frowned deeply what vanished when he tasted the delicious meal.

"Ok, just how do you know? I was with you all day!"

"I'm Santa Clause...No, Felicy, one of the elves that looked after Nick when she was asleep, told me when you were hitting the head."

"Five minutes..."

Tony muttered.

"So...how old are you?"

Gibbs looked up at the sudden question.

"You know how old I am."

"Actually, no, I don't...and I'm sure you're ways older...hundred...two hundred..."

"Tony. I became Santa Clause about fifteen years ago."

Tony looked as if he suddenly understood everything but then frowned.

"How?"

Gibbs sighed.

"I don't wanna talk about it right now."

December 17th

Tony paced the room up and down. Gibbs had told him to wait here while he talk to Nick. Tony point blank hated that. It was his daughter to cry out loud, not Gibbs'. He didn't care anymore if Gibbs really was Santa or not, he still thought this wasn't right. He felt slightly like a prisoner although he thought that if he told Gibbs that he really wanted to go he could. And that was what pissed him off the most. He wanted to go. His mind kept telling him that. Telling him to grap Nick and get the hell away from this nightmare. But as soon as Gibbs stood in front of him he realised that this wasn't a nightmare. Maybe it was a dream but then it was a good one. He wanted to be close to Gibbs and he wanted to close the issue between him and Nick and here, so it seemed, he would have the opportunity.

Finally the door opened and Gibbs entered with Nick.

"Hey, honey."

Tony said but his voice not as strong as he wanted it to be.

"Hey, Dad."

They sat down at the huge wooden table.

"First of all, I want to apologize about when I yelled at you because you went to Gibbs. I was worried when you weren't there."

Tony said and she looked at the tabletop.

"I know. And I'm sorry that I ran off."

Tony nodded. He looked at Gibbs but the older man seemed deliberately oblivious to the small family in the room.

"Nick, tell me what you feel. About your Mum, about me, what ever you want."

The girl shifted uncomfortable.

"It's my fault."

She whispered.

"It's my fault she killed herself. I looked after her all my life and when she really needed me I wasn't there. I thought that if I talk about her death...it would suddenly be real. As long as I didn't say it out loud it could have been a bad dream...but I know it isn't. I miss her, Dad."

"I know, honey. And I miss her, too. But she wouldn't want you to stop living."

"Neither would she want you to stop living."

Tony frowned about the statement but pushed it aside.

"It's not about me, Nick. I want you to be happy. Tell me what I can do?"

She looked up at him and then at Gibbs. Tony caught the shrug of the older man.

"Just be there if I need you and let me be there for you if you need me. I want to be your friend again, not just your daughter."

Tony smiled and pulled Nick in a hug.

"Shall we go home now?"

"Actually, I think it's for the best if you stay just a little longer."

Gibbs said. Tony first frowned at him but his daughter smiled.

"Can we, please, Dad? Abby promised me I could help making presents!"

Tony looked from Nick to Gibbs and then sighed.

"Ok, but just for a little."

December 18th



Tony stood on top of a balcony with view into the main factory where he could see Abby, McGee and Nick work on some toys.

"You really want to go home that desperately?"

Tony barely turned his head when Gibbs stepped up beside him. He looked back down and didn't know the correct answer. He shrugged.

"She seems to be happy."

"She is..."

Tony fell silent again.

"C'mon, Tony. Talk to me."

"Why?"

Tony said and shrugged.

"It's not as if you could change anything...why don't you tell me something? You seem to be the one with the big secrets."

Gibbs sighed and looked down.

"I became Santa Clause twelve years ago. I was working for NCIS about three and... Mike wanted to quit."

"Woah...Mike Franks was Santa Clause?"

Gibbs laughed.

"Yeah...he was. You were lucky that I left over summer or you would be the new one."

He turned his back to the factory and leant against the railing.

"Mike made me Santa. He knew all about me and he knew what it meant to be Santa...he thought it would be perfect for me. You know, I would never see my own child grow up but now I see many children grow up and although nothing can take away the pain of losing Kelly and Shannon, this helped. To be selfless is a great..."

Suddenly he started to cough as if he choked on something. Tony clapped him on the back and after a minute or so Gibbs caught himself. He took some deep breaths.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine."

His voice was hoarse. Tony knew the feeling from when he had the plaque and he knew a coughing fit was never pleasant. Slowly he noticed that he was unconciously rubbing circles over Gibbs' back. Quickly he pulled back and watched out over the factory again.

"Tell me about Rachel."

Gibbs said his voice still low.

"I meet her when I was still at the Police Academy. We were dating for a while and...well...I guess it was a bad condom...I don't regret it. I love Nick... Rachel didn't want to marry me and it probably was for the best.... there really isn't much to tell you."

He looked at Gibbs and saw the older man wasn't really listening. He was taking deliberate slow breaths trying desperately not to cough.

"You sure you're ok?"

"Yeah...yeah, just a small cold..."

December 19th



"Pleasant."

Ducky said over the icy silence at the big table. Tony poked around on his plate but didn't eat. Nick looked from her father to Gibbs but neither of them reacted. Abby changed a look with McGee.

"Such a nice little dinner with friends."

Ducky continued and didn't receive an answer again. He sighed and returned to his meal.

"Can we go home after dinner?"

Tony finally said and looked directly at Gibbs. For a moment the older man didn't react. Then he put down his fork and knife, stood up and left. Before the door closed Tony heard excessive coughing. Unsure what to do Tony leant towards Ducky.

"Duck, you're sure he's ok?"

"What do you mean?"

Tony frowned. From the tone of voice Ducky knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Duck, he's coughing his lungs out... I know how that feels like."

The last he said low enough so Nick wouldn't hear him. They never had told her how serious it had been when he had had the plague although he thought she already knew. Tony looked around the table and noticed nobody moving and everybody but Nick had returned to their meal. He shook his head and followed Gibbs.

"Gibbs? Jethro?..."

He walked towards his own room but couldn't think the older man would be there.

"Hey, you...em...small Elf! Where's Gi...Santa?"

The elf, that really looked like a girl younger than Nick, pointed to a door and Tony thanked her politely. He knocked and waited. No answer. He knocked again. Still nothing.

"Coming in."

He called and opened the door walking in as if it was the most natural thing to do.

"Ever heard of privacy?"

Gibbs asked annoyed and gave him a glare.

"What's wrong with you? You said we could go home when I talked to Nick. I did, we're clear. Now I want to go home. And what's with all that coughing and don't say it's a small cold because I know it isn't!"

"I don't want you to go home."

Gibbs shrugged and approached Tony. It wasn't before Gibbs tried to touch his face when he backed away.

"Jethro, I still can't do this."

Gibbs opened his mouth but closed it again, once in his life speechless.

"I want to go home."

Gibbs nodded and went to open the door for Tony.

"Ok, I'll bring you home tomorrow...but Tony if you go now there's no way back."

Tony stayed at his spot unsure what to do next. Then he nodded and walked towards the door.

"I'm sorry, Jethro."

"I just don't get it...I thought once you ok with Nick..."

Another coughing fit hit him. Tony caught his arm to keep him on his feet but after a minute the lack of oxigen won and Gibbs fainted and when Tony tried to catch him they slowly slid onto the floor.

"HELP!"

Tony yelled and he noticed his own voice being high pitched. The door flew open and Ducky, McGee and Abby, followed by Nick stormed in.

"Tony, go out."

"I won't go now, Ducky!"

"Tony! Go with Nick!"

Abby said and her voice didn't leave room for interpretation.

December 20th



Tony paced his room up and down and suddenly it didn't seem all that big anymore. Sure, he wanted to go home, back into reality where he could tell himself that this was just a weird dream, but on the other hand he didn't really wanted to leave Gibbs. Not like this. Gibbs was right, if he went now then it would be over. All of it.

The door opened and Nick came in. First she gave him a glare and then she sat on the couch crossing her arms over her chest.

"Ok, what did I do now?"

"You were mean to Santa! Nobody's mean to Santa Clause!"

For a moment he was too shocked to answer.

"Nick, ok, maybe he is Santa Clause but he's also Gibbs, my boss, and my boss is a bastard who is mean to everybody he wants to. If anything I wasn't mean to Santa but to Gibbs."

"That doesn't make a difference!"

"What is the problem here?"

She snorted and Tony reallized how much she came after her mother. Rachel often had used the "you know exactly what the problem is" snort.

"Why are you pushing him away?"

"What?"

"I know you're in love with him! I saw him at home and I saw you kissing."

"I didn't want you to see that."

His voice was low and he looked everywhere but his daughter.

"But still I saw it! And now you're pushing him away! And he loves you! Why can't you two idiots see that?"

"Nick, it's not that easy!"

"It would be! He's sick and you only want to leave! He needs you, Dad! He needs you to be there for him but you don't want to for what stupid reason I don't know! And you didn't tell me! You always told me about everything but not when you're really in love! Did you even notice that I was lying next to you when you cried the whole night?"

By now she was yelling and standing, looking down at her father who now sat on the bed.

"I didn't."

He whispered.

"I won't go home. Not before Santa is better."

With that she turned to the door and left just as Abby entered the room.

"Hey, Tony. Gibbs said I should bring you home."

Tony sat on the bed chewing on his thumb nail. Finally he looked up and sighed.

"I'm not going, Abs. Nick wants...Nick wants to stay. Can I see Gibbs?"

Her eyes widened slightly and she shook her dark pony tails.

"Ducky's with him right now. And he should stay in bed."

"What is it?"

"Oh, probably nothing. Don't you worry."

She smiled a false smile at him and left him alone with his thoughts.

December 21st


Tony walked through the factory trying to be unsuspicious. Talking quietly to different female elves he had charmed over the days he made it to the coridor Gibbs' room was in, but now he was nervous. What should he tell him? That he was staying because his daughter yelled at him? That he didn't want to go just because? Should he lie?

"He's Santa Clause, lying wouldn't be a good idea."

Tony muttered warily and came to a huge door, even bigger than all other doors which already were huge. Must be his room, he thought and knocked. No answer, just as expected but he entered anyway.

Standing in the door he could only stare at the man he saw. Gibbs' face was pale and he had dark shadows under his eyes. Before he knew it he was at the man's side and had his hand tightly in his own.

"Tony?"

His voice was just as weak as he looked and Tony tried hard to surpress the tears when he saw the usual unvulnerable man in this state.

"I'm here, Jethro...and I'm not going away."

A small smile shot over the older man's face and he squeezed Tony's hand.

"Nick ripped you a new one, right?"

"How'd you know?"

"She did the same with me. Some time ago, before you were here..."

He coughed again.

"Jethro, what is it? Why are you sick?"

Gibbs started to shake his head.

"Don't say it's just a cold."

"It's the flu."

Tony cocked his head and gave Gibbs the "don't gimme that crap" look.

"You once said you never had even a cold and now you're telling me that Leroy Jethro "Santa Clause" Gibbs has the flu three days before Christmas? C'mon, what is it? I'm worried."

Gibbs opened his mouth and Tony saw another smart ass answer coming up but then he closed it again and shrugged.

"I don't know. But I feel like shit."

Tony ran a hand over Gibbs' forehead making a mental note to ask Ducky later. His hand went unconscious into the older man's hair which were surprisingly soft.

"Tony? Are you staying?"

"I already told you...oh..."

He fought himself a smile on his face although it was difficult.

"I'm staying, Jethro. Promise me you'll be better."

Gibbs licked his dry lips and then brought up Tony's hand that was still in his and kissed it lightly.

"I love you."

Tony did notice that he didn't get an answer.

"Love you, too."

He bend down to kiss him but Gibbs turned his head away.

"I could be contagious."

"Do I look as if I care?"

"Tony, you got Nick. If it's something..."

Before he could finish Tony had kissed him. Only a peck but it was enough to show Gibbs the affection had had withhold the last days, and years.

December 22nd



"Anthony."

Tony stirred slightly but didn't answer. He was holding the man he loved and he really didn't want to move from his place.

"Anthony, stand up."

He tried to dismissed the hand on his shoulder without opening his eyes. He put his arm around his lover again and nuzzled into his neck, slightly relieved to feel his chest raise and fall.

"Tony."

This time it was the raspy voice of Gibbs and he swallowed when he opened his eyes. Reluctantly he turned away from the man in his arms and sat up.

"Do I have to?"

He said to Ducky who stood next to the bed.

"Yes, you do. I have to do some examinations."

"He'll be alright, Ducky?!"

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"Both."

Ducky smiled rassuring and put a soft hand on his shoulder.

"Let me have a look at the patient. I'll talk to you later."

Clearly dismissed Tony pecked Gibbs on the cheek and left the room not without looking back once.



"Where have you been?"

Tony frowned when he was bombared with the question as soon as he had opened the door to his room. He turned to his daughter on the couch.

"I was with Gibbs."

She shifted and now her position wasn't aggressive but worried.

"How is he?"

"Still sick, but I'm sure he's gonna be fine. He's Gibbs."

He shrugged. She didn't really looked reassured.

"Why don't you go and help Abby or McGee. Get your mind off him for a while."

"You won't do that either."

She said stubbornly and crossed her arms again.

"True, but he's my lover not yours...I know he's important to you but you shouldn't be worrying all the time."

She still wasn't convinced.

"Ok, we'll go together. I'll watch."

He said and took her by the hand.





Tony stood on top of the stairs again, half awaiting Gibbs to come. The mood in the factory had changed dramatically as if every single elf noticed that something was wrong, and probably they did. He had noticed that Abby, McGee and Ducky were avoiding him but he hadn't found the strengh to confront them, not yet. He knew it had to be something big and he silently wondered if they had told Gibbs what it really was.

December 23rd


It was around 1 AM when Tony thought the factory was silent enough to sneak into Gibbs' room. He had tried the evening before but the small elf, Amilia was her name, stopped him. Now she was sleeping soundly and amused he thought Gibbs would kick her ass for sleeping on the job. When he opened the door he was greeted by a rastling that he identified as Gibbs' unsteady breath. In a heart beat he was next to his lover.

"Jethro..."

His hand was squeezed as a coughing fit hit the older man and Tony helped him to sit up.

"Breathe with me, Jethro. In and out. In and out. Slowly..."

After a few minutes the coughing faded but his breath was still uneven.

"God, Jethro, what are you doing to me?"

The door opened harshly and Ducky stormed in.

"Go out, Tony."

"Duck, I just wanted to check..."

"GO TONY! You're making it worse! Go!"

Gaping he stared at Ducky and was pulled out by at least three elves but not without a fight.




It took several hours before Ducky came into his room. Tony had rolled up on his bed.

"Tony, I'm sorry that I was that harsh. I'm just very worried about Jethro."

"Was it really my fault that it went worse?"

"You have to understand that Jethro has a really special condition. It is nothing we can compare to any illness. It's not really your fault, more his."

Tony sat up with a sudden anger.

"His fault? HIS FAULT?"

"Tony, calm down. At every time of the year he wouldn't have gotten sick but...he's Santa Clause and what he did...bringing you here...he didn't do that because of Nick or you. He did it because he wanted you to be with him. It was all selfish what he did in the last three weeks even if it didn't seem so. But Santa Clause cannot be selfish."

"But Gibbs always was selfish."

"But not as Santa. December is a special time as you might have noticed."

Tony nodded slowly.

"How is he doing?"

"Not good. To be honest...worse than when you had the plague...I don't know if he's gonna make it."

"Don't say that, Duck. He's...He's Gibbs."

Ducky clapped him on the shoulder and left. When the door closed Tony heard a sniff just behind the bed and when he checked he saw Nick sitting there.

"Honey, since when are you here?"

"Around one...you weren't there...and when you came back...he can't die, Dad!"

He took her into a tight hug.

"I know, Sweety. I know..."





The whole day Tony and Nick stayed in his room waiting for news on Gibbs but nobody came. After Ducky's lecture Tony didn't thought it was a good idea to go to his lover and so he stayed holding his daughter, or maybe it was her holding him, he couldn't really tell.

December 24th


When Tony walked through the factory he noticed that the atmosphere had changed once more. It seemed that panic was going through the elves and all were working hard.

"Abby, what's going on?"

"Gibbs isn't any better, Tony."

He nodded slowly and let his eyes wander through the factory.

"We don't have a Santa, Tony. Christmas...there's not gonna be a Christmas this year..."

"What?"

Nick exclaimed.

"Without Santa there are no presents and without presents there's no Christmas. And that means that all children will stop believing in Santa Clause."

For a moment there was silence before Tony sighed.

"I'll do it."

Elves around them stopped to look at him.

"You'll do what?"

"I'll play Santa for a night. It can't be that all children stop believing in Santa...not now that I know that he exists."

A wide smile spread over Abby's face and she hugged him tightly before she pulled him into a room. She started to babble way too fast for Tony to catch anything and she threw cloths at him.

"Woah! Abs, I don't get it! Let me dress first...then we'll go through the stuff."

"Ok, sorry, sure...I'll tell Gibbs that he doesn't have to worry."

She kissed him on the cheek and was about to leave when he caught her arm.

"Tell him I love him."

"I'll do."

She assured him and then left. Reluctantly Tony shrugged out of his cloths and into the magenta suit. Silently he asked himself if that was the same suit Gibbs had on last year.





"Ok, you know the reindeers, you've seen the sledge...maybe we should go over the route again."

"Abby, I've got the GPS and we've gone over it three times already. It's time to go isn't it?"

Tony said putting on the huge red cloak.

"Yes, it is, my dear boy. Abby's just worried. She is always like that when we've got a new Santa."

"Woah! I'm not the new Santa...I'm the replacement, Duck. Gibbs will be back next year..."

Although he tried to sound convinced he didn't quite manage. He nodded once and got onto the sledge. Taking a deep breath he looked down at Nick.

"Watch out, Dad."

He smiled and turned to the open gate.

December 25th




It didn't feel like hours, it felt like days when Tony slowly descented towards north pole. But the sun was slowly rising and he knew it was not later than the early hours of the first Christmas day. Soon children all around the world would get up and open their presents and they would believe in Santa Clause for at least one year longer. But the question that was going though Tony's mind was if there was a Santa Clause when he was coming back.

Clapping Rudolf on the side Tony slowly strolled towards the door that devided that "garage" from the factory. Partly he didn't want to go in and face his nearly dead lover, or worse not be able to see his nearly dead lover. But his bed was calling loudly for him and a little voice in his head still tried to tell him that this was just a dream and he would wake up in his apartment in Washington DC.

Therefore he took a deep breath before he opened the door and found the factory in complete silence. Not a single elf was around and that gave Tony a really bad feeling.

"Are you waiting for somebody?"

He spun around and stared at the man behind him. Was *this* a dream? Was he a ghost like Kate had been? What was this?

"It's me, Tony. Healthy and alife."

A smile slowly appeared on Tony's face and all he could do was to run in Gibbs' arms.

"What happened? You were sick, you were...what happened?"

"Well, it's Christmas morning and I'm still Santa Clause and there was a wish I had to fulfill."

Tony looked at him blankly and Gibbs pulled out a letter.

"Dear Santa. I know now what I wish for Christmas. I want my Dad to be happy together with you...Nicole Amber Marshall."

Now Tony was smiling from ear to ear and he heard as from everywhere elves were coming into the factory, whistling and yelling their approval as the two men sank into a deep kiss.

"You mean, you're my present?"

"We are your daughter's present, Tony. But yeah, I'm your present. Thanks to a very selfless girl a very selfish Santa was forgiven."

Grinning outright Gibbs kissed Tony again and the younger man started pulling playfully on Gibbs' clothing.

"That's all nice and so on, but I want to unwrap my present now..."




A lovely Christmas to everybody out there. I hope all your wishes became true and a happy new year.

In Love, Möhrchen.