DISCLAIMER: Not mine. If they were, would Kate be dead? (bares fangs) Riggs and Thompson are also mentioned in the episode; the others I made up.

RATING: K
SPOILERS: "Sub Rosa"
SUMMARY: Kate and Gibbs' little submarine...tete-a-tete...is discussed - with GREAT enthusiam.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Isn't it obligatory for a Kate/Gibbs writer to write a "Sub Rosa" story? Yet I've studiously avoided it. Suspend your disbelief if you think men don't gossip.

I owe debts of inspiration to two short stories; first, zarina's "Gossip: Fetching Water" (not online) from the "The Magnificent Seven" fandom. The main inspiration is from "Roger's Story". I've tried to find the authoress without success; she's a genius for that cute, harmless (G-rated, max PG) FF. Google "Roger's Story", "Darcy", "Elizabeth" and "breeches" (or, try "breeches-less" ;-) ). That ought to whet your appetite.

P.S. If you are a Jane Austen purist, forget it. The story is based on the non-Austen scene in BBC's 1995 "Pride and Prejudice" - the version which, I will say, beats the breeches off that humorless sham Hollywood put out in 2005. That was like watching "Pride and Prejudice" by Bronte's Heathcliff when he ran out of Prozac.

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"Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell."
~ Shana Alexander

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"And then the COB opened the door...and there they were, all pressed up against the wall, and she was right on top of him! And he had his arm around her and she was curled up against him!"

"No way!" Millner exclaimed, as bug-eyed as the three other enraptured listeners. "Are you serious?!"

"I was right there in the hallway," Burrows nodded authoritatively as he speared a sausage link onto his fork.

The mess hall on the USS Philadelphia had always been the place to kick back and relax. One of the few places large enough to hold more than just a few sailors - and ones who weren't working - it was always overflowing with chatter. Generally it was complaints about the food, much to the irritation of the chief steward. Sometimes it was betting on sports games. Sometimes it was heckling Tom Cruise in his latest action movie.

Once in awhile, it was better than all of that. Today was one of those "once in awhile"s. In fact, it was even better than an "once in awhile."

Navy cops always inspired chatter. Two Navy cops of different sexes was news with the male-only submarine crew. Two Navy cops of different sexes who dared to play tricks on the COB made headlines. Two straight-laced Navy cops of different sexes who played tricks on the COB and then were found in a compromising position by said COB...well, that was worth a late-breaking special TV news report.

"The COB just walked right in on them?" Downey gasped.

"Well, I don't know," Burrows continued with a big grin. "He shut the door behind him, and he said something - couldn't make out what. Then a minute or so later the door opened, and out came Agent Gibbs like a shot. And then Agent Todd - but she stopped to give the COB this 'don't even THINK about it!' look!"

"She's a sassy one," Ivanovich agreed.

"And when the COB came out," Burrows finished with a flourish, "he looked like he was going to bust a gut trying not to laugh."

"I'd laugh, too!" Downey exclaimed with a grin.

"This is an even better than when Veech got stuck in a sub he was inspecting!" Mallory snickered.

"That's not even the best part!" The sailors leaned forward to hear Burrows. "I heard the skipper asking the COB if the Navy cops weathered the emergency blow OK, and the COB must've told him the story, and then at one point the COB said Agent Todd went, 'Wow!' that her partner tells her, 'That's what you always tell me'!"

"Are you kidding?!"

"The COB was right there!" Burrows finished triumphantly as another fellow sailor sat down. "Hey, Ahn! Did you hear what I heard?"

"'Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy'," Ahn sang.

"Shut up," scowled Burrows as the others snickered. "Do you want to know or not?"

"He means, 'do you know what I know'?" Ahn grinned over his shoulder as he took his fifth bowl of pudding and put it onto his tray. Millner snickered.

"Fine, if you don't want to know about those NCIS agents."

"NCIS agents?" Ahn perked up, setting his half-filled tray down on the table and digging a spoon into his pudding. "I want to know."

"They were spending all their case time making out in that conference room! The COB walked right in on them!"

Ahn stared, bug-eyed, as a glob of pudding fell disgustingly out of his half-opened mouth. He took a moment to recover. "I thought they were supposed to be here to catch Travis!"

"Well, they did," Ivanovich pointed out.

"Well, you know, work before play." They snorted and snickered, trying to keep their laughter down.

Mallory looked around surreptitiously, then scooted his chair forward. The other sailors leaned in to hear. "You guys know Paul Gianetti? Captain Veech's secretary at Norfolk?"

All of them winced in sympathy.

"He said that Veech and a NCIS agent had a huge argument two days ago, and Veech looked furious after the NCIS agents left! Gianetti heard every word in that argument - he said Veech lost!"

"Veech?! Veech lost?!"

Mallory nodded, then tilted his head closer as the others leaned in. "Said it was over bringing a woman on board a submarine," he said in a hushed voice.

"See! I told you!" Burrows exclaimed triumphantly. "Why else would Agent Gibbs fight so hard to have Agent Todd on board?"

"He sure picked a gorgeous one," Downey grinned.

"She's hot," Millner agreed.

"She wears some perfumy stuff," Ivanovich put in. "She smells like lilacs."

"How do you know how she SMELLS?!"

"Because, she passed right in front of me after they were talking to the captain in the con," Ivanovich replied.

There was a rare moment of quiet as the sailors silently and briefly bemoaned their ill luck of subs having all-male crews, and then Ahn quipped, "Hope Agent Gibbs like lilacs." There were snickers, and then he looked up to see Riggs and Thompson come in. "Hey Riggs, Thompson."

"Have you guys heard? Burrows, go on, tell 'em!"

Burrows happily obliged, repeating his little bit of gossip.

"Did you see anything?" Mallory asked eagerly.

"Well," Thompson shrugged, after hearing the story. "I didn't see anything during my interview. But then I was more concerned with why I was being interrogated in the first place!"

Burrows was disappointed at the lack of information. "What about you, Riggs?"

"Well," Riggs shrugged. "He stood awful close to her during my interview. But like Thompson said, I was a lot more worried about why I was being interviewed." He stopped in the line. "Any more ice cream?"

"Tons of it, but it's been partially melted and then refrozen, so take what you will," Ahn offered.

"Yeah, but don't say anything about it," Downey warned.

"Downey complained and Skolnik bit off his head!" Millner laughed. Downey made a face at him.

"Heeeeyyyy...Skolnik!" Mallory perked up at the steward's name. "COB sent him into the conference room with bowls of ice cream after they put Travis in the freezer. Maybe he knows something. Nik!"

"Stop complaining about the ice cream," came the irritated shout, followed by its irritated owner a minute later. "I can't help it if some psycho tries to kill us and the ice cream melts in the process!"

"We don't care about that," Burrows called. "We want to know if you heard anything about the NCIS agents."

The steward shrugged. "Sure," he replied with authoritative nonchalance.

Burrows sighed in disappointment. He wanted to tell the story again.

"Were they making out when you went in to deliver all that ice cream?" Mallory asked with a smirk.

"Making out? Why would you think they were making out?" Skolnik asked.

"I saw 'em as the COB went to fetch 'em to the skipper! She was right on top of him, with her hands on his chest and shoulders, and his arm was around her! Plus, that's what the COB told the Captain at their meeting!"

"He did not!"

"Did too - I heard it!" Burrows exclaimed.

"I was there most of that meeting," Skolnik retorted. "They wanted to check with me to make sure most of the food wasn't contaminated and stuff, and when I walked in they were talking about how impressed Agent Todd was with the submarine, and about the emergency blow. The COB didn't say they were making out!"

"He did too! I was right outside the door!"

"And what were you doing, evasdropping on the COB?"

"Never mind that. I tell you, the COB said Agent Gibbs and Agent Todd were smashed up against the wall with her on top of him, and then when she said 'Wow' he said that that's what she always told him!"

The door opened.

Ahn said loudly, "The ice cream sucks after it's melted and then refrozen, Skolnik!"

Skolnik was too busy to hear or to care. "The COB didn't say that the female agent always said he was 'wow'! She was 'wow' over the emergency blow! That's what threw them up against the wall!"

Ahn continued in a warning voice, "What do you think about the ice cream, Millner?"

"Screw the ice cream," Burrows cut in. "Skolnik, I was right outside the door when the COB told about them!"

"The agent was teasing her, and he didn't say 'YOU always say that'. COB said he said 'That's what they all tell me'!"

"What? No way!"

"The force of the emergency blow threw her on top of her partner; that's why they were smashed up against the wall!"

The door closed.

Skolnik finished his retort at the top of his lungs. "I was right there when the COB told the story!"

"Aw man," Burrows exclaimed, disappointed at the lack of juiciness in his gossip. "That stinks! Now I'll have to go fix it. I already told everyone that those NCIS agents were making out the entire time they were on board!"

There was a horrified gasp from the back of the mess room. There stood Agents Gibbs and Todd, in stunned silence.

After a moment, Ahn held up a bowl. "Ice cream, anybody?"


END