It was a hard day for the whole team. Ducky, Abby, McGee, Ziva… We all were really tense. I don't want to exclude myself, because I think for me it was worst.

It was hell. Dying hell.

There was an explosion west coast of Potomac River, many people lost their lives included two marines. I didn't know them but it pushed memories to the surface I didn't want to remember right then.

The period was too short to forget it and forbade it to come back to haunt me. But they did. And the demons didn't want to go away. All I could think about during the case was him.

Him.

Special Agent Leroy Gibbs. My boss who isn't my boss.

I know this sounds weird but it is true. He left a few weeks ago, gave me the team and I had to handle things I couldn't even imagine being able to handle them. But that's not what hurts the most. Leading a team is something complicated, of course. But I'm dealing with much higher emotional things I cannot really forget or push beside, not even at work.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

Yeah, I watched you. And that's the biggest mistake I ever made in my entire life. You said "You'll do" and went to the elevators before leaving to join a friend in Mexico. It ripped my heart out that you didn't remember me.
Me…
And all of the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops ‘til it's madness in my head

Maybe, if I had made you to something more special you would have remembered me. And maybe, if I hadn't been such a pain in the ass you wouldn't have been so pissed of me anytime I did something wrong.

Is it too late to remind you how we were
Not our last days of silent screaming blur

I wish you would remember me. It was the most beautiful time I ever had in my fucking life which wasn't worth living it ‘til I met you. But this one happy year we had together, just you and me, was the best I ever had and now it's blurring, going to be washed away by a few waves of water – a few waves of fire, I mean – and all seems to be forgotten what we built.

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door

…

I really should have…

Why didn't I? I need you so much…

You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

I have never met someone caring about me as much as you did. I had never had someone who made me feel special, who made me feel like I deserve someone like you. Someone who helps me through things I cannot stand on my own. Now I have to stand them no-one helping.

At least you have someone who takes care of you in Mexico. Your old boss seems to be okay. I never met him, you know that, but I'm sure he is there for you to wash all the demons away that are haunting you.

Somehow everything I own smells like you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Yeah, wherever I go it smells like wood and your basement, the way you smell. But it's not really there. It's just a vision my nose seems to be kidding me, driving me crazy to lost my mind while thinking about you.

I know it'll kill me sometimes…

Just do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do

Build you're boat and sail away. Just do it. I always held you back by staying at your house or taking you out to me and…

I wish you'd remember me and the things we had, every kiss we shared. But at least I was just too much weight for you. I made you feel like I own you and you had to be there whenever I needed you. You had to be ready for me, whenever I wanted you to. And I made you leave everything, when I needed your help, ‘cause I wasn't able to pull myself out of any danger and anger and whatever.

You should be happy no matter what

You deserve it to be happy. You deserve it. I don't. That's why I'm left here behind and doesn't have anyone left to take care of me. Instead I take care of the team. But they don't really need me, they're on their. They aren't that unstable I am.

You should be happy.
Please, be happy without me there…



°~Fin~°