I thought it was love…
It took me years to realize what it really was. I've known him since we were kids…
With him I learnt what a friend could be; I found a refuge, a family, a shoulder to cry on… I gave him my heart, my soul … a part of myself.

My childhood had not been a pleasure cruise but he was always at my side; sharing the good and the bad days. I could not imagine my life without him. He was the only one I trusted enough to open my heart to…The only one I let come close because I thought he would never do anything that could hurt me.

But he did worse than that…He left me telling me it was my fault…that I didn't love him enough. He had met his true love. The words were hard to hear but I was stupid enough to think that if that was what he really wanted I had no right to keep him away from it. I let him go trying to mend the broken pieces of my heart.

I wanted him to be happy and I thought we could stay friends…at least. So the night he came to my apartment I let him in. When he kissed me I kissed him back. When he led me to the bedroom I didn't resist…Maybe I wanted it as much as him. But he was not the man I had loved…not anymore.

He took what he needed and left. He came back a few times after that. He never asked anything, never let me the choice. I could have said no but I needed him. I became his toy but every night I was waiting for him…Pathetic…I know.

He was a part of my life I could not forget and in a way I forgot about myself when he was with me…I was only a part of him; always trying to please him… I could not loose him even if it meant loosing myself.

Little by little I was becoming someone else…someone I didn't recognize. I knew I had to do something to protect myself from this man. The man who had been my best friend, my first lover, was destroying me. He was using me to satisfy his needs and I realized that that was what he had always done.

One night, I waited for him and for the first time in months I said no. I asked him to leave and never come back. He smiled at me, stood up and left. It had not been so difficult. I was relieved and sad at the same time.
But two days later he was waiting for me on my couch when I came back from work. I should have asked him to give me back his keys.

This time he didn't take no as an answer. I thought he had already destroyed everything between us but I was wrong.
I tried to fight him; I tried to talk to him but he could not hear me. He didn't hear me cry…He didn't hear me plea…

I didn't think it could be possible to feel less than human but that's exactly how he made me feel this night. He denied me the right to decide what I wanted to do or not do with my body. He denied me the right to refuse something I didn't want.

The physical injuries were nothing. I had learnt to hide bruises and scares years ago. But I could not hide the shame, the guilt. I had let him destroy what we had once shared and me at the same time.

I discovered that night who he really was and that I had never been more for him than a piece of meat. He never loved me. I was only his property; something you use and throw when you don't need it anymore.

When he left I stayed in my bed for hours. I was not sure to be able to face my co workers. As if what happened was written on my face. I was feeling empty…a broken soul in a painful body.
I didn't go to work this day and the next one. I left this town two weeks later for a new job.

I tried to rebuild my identity and days after days I began to forget. I am today able to sleep without waking up screaming … at least I was two days ago.
I think my life changed the day I met my new boss; the day I met Leroy Jethro Gibbs. It happened almost two years ago.

He is probably the only person I trust. I know he would never lie to me. I only see him at work but I spend almost all my time there. I don't have time for anything else and it's probably better this way… No time to think.

So here I am, today… Monday… at my desk… waiting for the sun to rise. I've slept here the last two nights. It was easy to find a believable excuse to explain why I needed to sleep on the floor behind my desk. Gibbs believed me…at least I think. Kate doesn't really care.

The truth is I'm scared… scared to go back to my apartment. I never thought a phone call could do that to me but when I heard his voice saying my name I froze. Two years and this voice could still bring back vivid memories; memories I tried so hard to forget.

He didn't say much…He didn't need to. He knew perfectly well what it would do to me to hear his voice… "I found you"… I know I won't be able to hide for long. I can't sleep in NCIS office for the rest of my life. I can't ask for help…I've never done that before. I won't begin now. Even if I wanted to ask for help…who would help me…Gibbs? I would never explain him what happened.

A phone call…A new case…A young woman buried alive. I can't imagine how she must have felt…Maybe a little… I feel like I'm suffocating. She found a way to escape even if she almost killed us in the process.

Now we are in front of a German firm's building. Kate is injured but alive… I know it's time for me to go home. Maybe I could stay at the office for one more night…
Gibbs is here; in front of me. I could get lost in those blue eyes. He doesn't know it but he gave me back hope when I thought I had lost everything.

He never did anything that could make me think he could be interested in being more than my boss but I feel safe when I look into his eyes. He always seems to know what needs to be done. And tonight, when I look at him I realize he knows… He knows exactly what I'm thinking; what I'm searching for and it doesn't seem to bother him.

He knows I'm only waiting for him to say something. But he won't make the first move and I won't ask. We stayed like that for a moment then I turned my back and began to walk away.

"My door is unlocked".

I can't help smiling even if there's no joy in that smile.

"I know".

I should have said so much more but how to explain him that I can't accept his offer. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to lie to myself. There's only one way to put an end to this situation and it's high time I faced it.

I'm sorry Gibbs. If I had been stronger I would have asked for help; I would have told you about my nightmares; I would have come to your house, shared a coffee and maybe told you how much you mean to me… But I'm not strong enough to do that.
You gave me hope and show me that I could still have feelings. But now I have to face my fears and no one can do that for me.

I walked slowly to my car trying to ignore the coldness. It's not only the weather… I'm cold inside.
I pretended for the last two years that I could live and forget… but I was wrong.

I thought I had the right to live and maybe one day to be able to love again…but I was wrong.

I thought it was love…but I was wrong.

I know it is love…

I had hoped to see him waiting for me at my door but he was not here. I could have let him go tonight without saying anything but I saw so much sadness in his eyes…sadness and something else I recognized easily…fear. What could afraid Tony? I wish I had the courage to ask him. I wish I had told him to come with me.

I could not do that. I will never be able to tell him about my feelings for him. I will never tell me how much I care, how much he means to me. But I’m his friend, his boss and I should have found a way to help him even if Anthony Dinozzo would never have accepted my help.

It was hard not to smile at every stupid joke he could say in a day but I’m his boss. And a boss can’t be too close to his team mates. A boss can’t fall in love with his best field agent.
But that’s what happened. I don’t know exactly when it changed. I don’t know when respect and friendship turned into love but little by little I surprised myself looking at him differently.

At first, I denied it. Telling myself it was only because I liked working with him. He is a good agent. To be honest he is the best agent I worked with. But now I know it’s more than that.
I fell in love with him and there is no way to change that. I don’t even want to try to change that.

I love him but he will never know. The last thing I want is for him to go away because I scared him. I will keep my feelings for myself and try to be here when he needs a friend. Tonight was not a good start. He needed me and I let him go. I should probably try to call him and see if everything is ok. But what could I tell him. I’m not supposed to do that.

I can’t help feeling anxious when my phone rings; especially when I see Tony’s number on the screen. I know something wrong happened. I left him only two hours ago and something bad happened. I took a deep breath before answering that call.

-Gibbs.
-Boss…?
-Of course, Dinozzo. You dialled my number.
-I…I was not sure.

Tony was almost unable to control his voice and I had to calm down before saying anything. There was no need to make him feel I’m worried.

-Tony. Where are you? What happened?
-I’m home…I …
-Tony. What’s wrong?
-Blood…I think I…

Now I scared to death. Tony is not the kind of man to be scared so easily. I need to go now. I need to see him. I need to be sure he is ok. But I can’t let him like that. It will take me at least 10 minutes to go there. I take my jacket and my keys still holding the phone.

-Tony. Are you injured?
-I… don’t know…I don’t think so
-Good. Is there someone with you?
-He…He is …

I’ve never heard so much fear in his voice… And this damn car that doesn’t want to start.

-Tony. Please listen to me. Are you safe where you are?
-Yes…I think…
-Good. Don’t move. I’m on my way. I will be here in 5 minutes.
-Please, Boss. Don’t leave me alone.
-I’m here Tony. Can you tell me what happened?

They say it’s dangerous to drive while you’re using your phone. Now I know why. Tony would say it’s dangerous when I drive no matter what I’m doing at the same time.

-Tony. Please, tell me what happened.
-I don’t remember. I … don’t know…
-It’s ok, Tony. We’ll figure this out. I will be here soon.

I parked the car in the middle of the street. I don’t have time to find a better place. Tony has not answered anything. I’m scared about what I’m going to find up there. I’m in front of his door and my hand shakes when I put in on the handle. The door is closed.

-Tony. Can you hear me?
No sound inside but I know he is here.
-Tony. Can you open this door?
I have to go inside now and this door won’t stop me. My shoulder will be painful for a few days but I don’t really care. The only important thing right now is to go inside and help Tony.

The first thing I saw is that there had been a fight here. Then I saw him. A man was on the floor, blood on his shirt. It was not Tony. Visibly the man had been shot in the chest twice. No pulse. He’s dead.

-Tony, it’s Gibbs. Where are you?
No answer. Tony had told me on the phone that he was safe where he was. He must be in another room of his apartment far away from this man.
I entered the bedroom. There was no light inside but I could see him, sat on the floor beside his bed.

-Tony…?
I turn on the light. Tony’s hands were covered with blood…not his blood. He still had the gun in his hands.
-Tony. It’s me; you can put this gun down now.
-No…he can come back. I won’t let him hurt me…
-He won’t come back Tony. I saw him. He’s dead.

Tony looked up at me and it was hard for me not to take him in my arms. I don’t know what this man had done to him but I was glad he was dead in the living room or I would have probably killed him myself.

-You’re sure he’s dead?
-I’m sure, Tony.
Tony let the gun fall on the floor but I had not expected what followed. I had never seen him cry but when the first sob came in his throat he didn’t resist and fall on the floor crying. I knelt beside him and took him in my arms.

-Everything will be ok, Tony. No one will hurt you now.
It was not the good time to ask Tony questions about what happened but I knew there was no way to avoid it. There was a dead man in Tony’s apartment and we had to call the cops. It would be better if Tony told me what happened before the cops could interview him.

I waited for him to calm down before asking my first question. I wanted to know what happened but I had to take care of him first. I tried to make him lay down on the bed but he resisted.

-What’s wrong, Tony?
-Not here. Please Gibbs…not here.
-It’s ok, Tony. But you need to lie down and you’d better not go to living room.
-There’s another bedroom.
I helped him walk to the next room. I had an idea about what happened there and I didn’t like it. Tony seemed to be in shock and it was not only because he had just killed a man. This man had done something to him… something Tony would probably not tell me.

-I have to call the cops, Tony. But before that I would like you to tell me what happened.
-I don’t remember a lot.
Tony could not look at me while talking. He was lying and he knew perfectly I was aware of it.

-Tony I need to know what happened if you want me to help you. The cops are going to ask questions and it would not be a good idea not to answer.
-I know that, Gibbs.
-So tell me what you remember.
-Ok. I came back home. I opened the door and…

Tony was trying to control his breathing but I could see it was hard for him. I had to reassure him. It was probably not what a boss or a federal agent would have done. But tonight Tony needed me to be a friend. I placed a hand on his shoulder.
-Take your time, Tony.
Tears were back in Tony’s eyes. It was so painful to see him like that.
-Tony. I know it’s hard for you. I’m going to ask you some questions. Who is that man?

Tony took a deep breath and looked up at me. I realized at that moment how much he trusted me. He was about to face his fears only because I asked him to.
-He is…was an old friend. I had not seen him for years. He was waiting at my door when I came back…
-And you let him in?
-No…yes…
-Tony. I need to know…
-I didn’t want him to come inside but he asked me and…

There was more behind that than what he was telling me, much more…
-What happened after that?
-We talked about what he had done in the last years…about my job.
-Tony. You shot him twice in the chest. And I guess it was not because you talked about job…
-No. you’re right, Boss. I left my last job because of him, because of what he did. And don’t ask anything about it. I thought I would be safe here but he found me.

Things were becoming clearer but Tony’s words could not explain what he had done. I could see in his eyes that he had no other choice.
-What’s his name?
-Why do you need to know that? ...Sorry…stupid question. His name was Yann Ashton.
-Was he more than a friend for you?

Tony was almost relieved when he heard my question. He didn’t even need to answer.
-Has he tried to…? I mean…
-I know what you mean… I tried to talk to him but he didn’t hear me… I could not let him do that again…
-Again? That’s why you left Baltimore?
-Yes.
-Had you reported him?
-No. I didn’t want to think or talk about it so I tried to forget.
-It didn’t really work.

Tony was looking at his hands.
-There’s nothing you should feel ashamed about, Tony.
-You’re reading my mind, Boss? What’s going to happen now?
-You’re going to answer many questions, probably talk with the cops for hours.
-I’m sorry, Boss.

I didn’t want to hear him apologize when I should have been the one to say those words. I sat on the edge of the bed, taking his hands in mine. I knew it could mean the end of our friendship but I could not let him think he was alone.
-You have nothing to be sorry about, Tony. I won’t let you face this alone.
-Thanks, Boss.
-It’s not your boss who is saying those words, Tony. It’s your friend.

Tony looked up at me, his hands still in mine. I had wished for days to have him look at me this way.
-Only a friend…?
I could not answer. I’ve never been good with words. There are times when words are not good enough.
-I will be anything you want, Tony.
When his lips touched mine I realized we were already much more than friends. It felt so good and natural to have him in my arms. I wanted to make forget about what happened only hours ago. I wanted him to know I would stay at his side no matter what happened.

Here…in this bedroom…in Tony’s arms…I was feeling at the right place. I will help him go over this nightmare and everything will be ok.

Because, now I know…I know it is love.

Chapter 3. Open heart…(Tony’s P.O.V)

I stayed with the cops for hours. I told them everything…even things I thought I didn’t remember. I told them about what happened years ago. I told them about my fear, about the way he had forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. I told them about what I had done thinking he would stop if I gave him what he wanted.

But this time he had gone too far and I had realized that if I didn’t do something he would kill me. I kept a gun home. The only I had to do was to reach it and after my nightmare would be over. At least that was what I thought. He is dead now but I’m still living this nightmare every time I close my eyes…every time I hear his name.

He will never hurt me because I killed him before he can kill me. The cops had found a knife when they searched the body. Obviously, he had not come to my apartment only to talk and have a good time. Gibbs is still here, waiting for me outside this room.

I don’t know what to think about what happened before the cops arrived. He kissed me…my boss kissed me. I can still feel the warmth of his lips on mine. It was so good that I almost forgot that it could not be true. Love doesn’t exist. I will never let anyone make me believe otherwise.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell him…probably nothing. I will let him say what he has to say and see…He told me he would not leave me face this alone and I don’t feel like saying no to him right now.

He is here when I get out of this room, standing up and walking to me. He put a hand on my arm. He doesn’t need to say anything. I can read in his eyes what he would like to say. I follow him outside. I’m feeling so tired I could sleep in this car even if it’s Gibbs driving.

-How are you feeling?
-I killed a man I’ve known for years. I’ve spent hours talking about things I would have preferred forget. Let me search for the right word…I think I’m feeling great…just great.
-Ok. I think I deserved that. It was a stupid question. But I’m worried Tony.
-I know, Boss. I’m sorry. I’m tired. But I will feel better after a long, hot shower and a good night sleep.

Sleeping seems a good idea but I can’t help shivering at the thought I will have to go back to my apartment. I can’t go back there.
-Can you drive me to a hotel? I don’t think I can go back home.
-I know the perfect hotel for you.
-Good.

I closed my eyes for a moment. The only thing I want for now is to be alone and let the pain go away. I don’t know what could help…a shower…a glass of Bourbon…a dozen of sleeping pills, or the three at the same time. I only opened my eyes when Gibbs stops the car. At first I don’t recognize the place but then I realize he drove me to his house.

-Boss, I could have stayed at a hotel. You don’t need to do that.
He placed his right hand on my cheek. I can’t look in his eyes. Please Gibbs! Don’t do that. I don’t want to feel that. I won’t let you get to my heart.
-Please, Boss. I can’t stay here.
-I won’t leave you alone, Tony. You’re going to stay here tonight.
-Ok, if that’s what you want.

He must have heard the fear in my voice because he let his hand fall on the seat. I tried to control my voice. I didn’t want him to think I was afraid…But I’m scared. I can’t control it.

-You have nothing to be afraid of, Tony. You can do what you want. I can drive you to a hotel if you want to be alone. But I think it would be better for you to stay here for the night. It’s already late and you need rest.
I could not answer. What was I supposed to say to him? He kissed me and I loved that. But now I’m scared he would ask more from me.

-Ok…whatever you want, Tony.
-No…!
The word got out of my mouth before I even realized it. Gibbs had started the car. He was going to leave me alone and I didn’t want it.
-What? Tell me what you want to do, Tony.

I looked at him. How could I tell him what I wanted when I didn’t know that myself?
-Tony…?
I knew I must look stupid. I could not say a word and tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. I felt like a little boy who suddenly realizes he has no other choice than to jump from the wall knowing it’s going to be painful.

-What do you want to do?
There was no anger in his voice but I could feel I had disappointed him. Of course, I disappointed him. I had been able to handle this situation. I had let Yann attack me…I had let him…I was feeling so ashamed.
-I want …I want…

I wanted to disappear, to end the pain…But I could not tell that to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He would not understand and he would probably never forgive me for giving up like that.
-It’s ok, Tony. Let’s go inside. You’re going to take a shower and after if you still want to go somewhere else I will find you a nice place where to sleep.

It was so easy to let him take the control of the situation. I followed him inside, trying to convince myself that was what I wanted. But I only followed him because it was easier than fighting him and trying to explain him how I felt.

I’ve always been like that…Letting the others show me the way. Giving them what they wanted because I needed them to accept me. It had been like that with Yann from the beginning. I needed him to love me so I gave him everything he asked for…even things he never asked for.

Would I do the same with Gibbs? Probably… you can’t change who you really are in only one night. I will do what I have to do to gain his respect. But I’ve always been a coward…that’s probably why I chose this job. To prove myself I could do something useful.

Gibbs showed me the bathroom, gave me towel. He was talking but I could not understand what he was talking about. His words were coming to my mind from far away. I only realized he had left the room when I heard him close the door.

What was I supposed to do now? I could not think clearly. I knew I had asked for a shower but now I had no strength to take it. I sat on the floor. I only wanted to stay here and let the world turn without me. I let my head fall on my knees as if I could hide. Maybe if I tried really hard I could make myself forget what happened and go back to my life.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that before Gibbs comes in. Of course, I should have turned on the water.
-What are you doing, Tony?
-I’m not sure…
-I thought you wanted to take a shower. Do you need help?

Gibbs was coming closer to me. I should not have felt scared but I could not control that feeling. I didn’t want him to do that. He was not supposed to be nice with me…I didn’t want him to be nice. He kissed me and I let him do it.

-What’s wrong, Tony?
-Nothing, Boss. I’m sorry.
I tried to kiss him but he pushed me away. I didn’t understand why he did that.
-What are you doing, Tony?
-Sorry…I thought that was what you wanted me to do…sorry.

Gibbs walked away. He turned to look at me before getting out of the bathroom. I was surprised to see so much sadness in his eyes.
-Do you really think I would do anything if that’s not what you want, Tony? What kind of man do you think I am?
-The kind of man who always gets what he wants…
-You have much to learn about me, Tony. I’ve made mistakes in the past and I will probably do some more in the future. But there’s something I’m sure about…I won’t do anything that could hurt you.

I had heard those words before and I had trusted the man who had said them. I wanted to believe Gibbs but it was difficult to forget…
-I mean it, Tony. I hope you will see it one day. I will wait…
-I don’t think I can do that, Gibbs.

He got out of the room, leaving me alone. I had hurt him…He only wanted to help me and the only I could do was to hurt him. But I had to protect myself from him…from the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm me every time I looked at him.
I turned on the water and got rid of my clothes. There was still blood on my shirt…my best friend’s blood. I suddenly realized I had killed him. I should have felt guilty but the only thing I could think about was that he would not be able to hurt me ever again.

When I exit the bathroom, half an hour later, Gibbs was on his couch reading a newspaper. I sat beside him and waited for him to say something.
-Are you feeling better?
-Yes…thanks.
-You don’t sound so sure. You should go to bed and try to get some rest.
-You’re right, Boss.

I was about to stand up when he caught my hand.
-I love you Tony. I know that’s not what you need to hear but it’s the truth. And nothing will change my feelings for you.
I didn’t know what to answer. I would never have expected Gibbs to say such words and I thought I was not ready to hear and believe them. But my heart missed a beat when he let my hand go.

I thought I wanted to forget about feelings and love. But I could not refuse what Gibbs was offering me. I could not tell him no when being with him was what I desired deep inside.
-I will never force you into doing something you don’t really want, Tony. I understand it’s not the best time for me to say that but I don’t want to hide what I feel for you.
-Can you promise me something, Boss?
-Tell me what you want me to promise and I will tell you if it’s possible.

Gibbs was not a man who smiles a lot but when I looked at him I was warmed by a true and loving smile…I knew what I was about to ask was stupid and that he would probably laugh at me… I realized I was crying when Gibbs weep away a tear on my cheek.

-Please, Tony. Tell me what you want me to promise.
-Promise me you won’t leave me…even if I ask you to…even if I try to push you away…Promise me you won’t hurt me…Promise me…

I could not go on… my heart was beating too fast…tears were running down my cheeks. Gibbs took me in his arms and I let my head rest on his chest. I was feeling safe in his arms.

-I promise you, Tony. I love you and I won’t let you go. I’m right here with you…
I closed my eyes and Gibbs’ words warm up my heart. He was still talking but I could not hear what he was saying.

But it was not important. No matter what he was saying…I knew it was the truth….He had promised and Gibbs was not someone to make promises lightly.
Gibbs’ hand was on my hair and it felt so natural to be here…in his arms.

The words were out of my mouth before I realized it. It was not my mind that had said those words but my heart…

-I love you Jethro.