Sometimes after working a hard case I just want to drive home and fall into my bed. I could sleep all night and day without any feelings of guilt. I need this. When you're working for days without any sleep all you want is a bed.

Sometimes after work I just want to go for a walk to order and control my thoughts. I don't want to dream about any of the cases we work. To prevent nightmares or bad dreams the best you can do is to walk through the park, sit on a park bench and look into the blanket of stars.

Sometimes after a long, hard stressful day I just want to go into a bar and drink a beer with an old college friend or someone else. But no-one I know from work, because I see them all days. I want to talk to someone I don't see everyday.



But that all is just sometimes. And sometimes is rare. When you are a Federal Agent you don't have any time for that. The most time of your life you spent with researching files, writing reports, examining witnesses and suspects and searching crime scenes. There is not much time for a private life so you try not to spend the time that is left with your colleagues.

It is not different with NCIS. Every minute left for me I invest with sleeping, watching TV and meeting old friends. No time for a woman I could love. When I'm telling my colleagues about the hot night I had, then it was just in my dreams. I really don't have time for a girlfriend. I don't even go clubbing. Of course I'm telling it to Probie and Ziva all the time but it's not reality and I think they know that very well. Or at least I hope that.



Today we closed a hard case. Harder than normal one's. A Petty Officer Jane Doe was raped a few years ago and almost a week later her corpse was found in Quantico. She was only 23 years old at that time. Because of no witnesses and no suspects Jane Doe wasn't identified but after her mother ordered to reopen the case, Ducky was able to find out who she was. Her name was Celeste Monroe. A wonderful name, if you ask me. To find the person, who'd raped her I had been undercover. I was reminded of Jeffrey. Jeffrey, the man who nearly killed me. I was not far away from screwing up once again. But in the end I was able to arrest Mickey Dawson.

I had spent the last few hours of the day with writing my report. I had a bad headache and my left arm was almost broken but I protested, when Gibbs ordered to bring me into the hospital. I hate hospitals and no-one could take me there unless I wanted it. So my boss wanted me at least to go and see Ducky. He dressed my arm but told Gibbs to drive me into hospital later. I don't want to take an X-ray but what should I do?

Gibbs looked me up with concern as he recognized my painful face. I had problems with tipping the report into the computer but I tried my best to hide my pain. Gibbs, however, saw it and came over to my desk.

"C'mon, let's drive." He had said and I had been too weak to say something in protest. I had turned off my computer, had taken my jacket and then we had been gone to the elevator. Director Sheppard was in there and she had congratulated me. I had thanked her but didn't react to anything else happening in there. I just wanted to go home and sleep at least a week.

In surgery they x-rayed my arm and put it in plaster cast. They prescribed me pain meds I should take three times a day. I decided to put them into my medicine cabinet and never touch them. I already hated them when I was four years old.



My lovely boss drove me home. It was already 3 a.m. "Take a few days off." He told me but I turned it down. I would come back tomorrow – no, today – back to work and ignore the sympathetic looks from Probie, Ziva and even Abby. It would be like all day but before it turned to that I would fall into a dreamless sleep…