Tony sighed softly. He'd spent the last hour staring out over a nearly deserted, dimly lit park, considering Shepard's offer. A team of his own?in Spain. Did he really want that?

Tony snorted. Did it matter if he wanted it? Not really. One place was pretty much as good as another. It always had been before; he supposed it could just as easily be that way again. Four years, almost five, in one location was unusual for him. He liked D.C. but there wasn't a lot to hold him to it. Not any more.

Gibbs clearly didn't remember anything they shared or wasn't going to admit to remembering it. He remembered sleeping with Shepard, but fucking Tony for nearly a year obviously didn't warrant so much as a footnote. Hell, it was a wonder he even remembered Tony's name; for awhile there it was clear he hadn't.

It wasn't like Gibbs had ever truly respected or even liked him. That much was made abundantly clear by the way he'd just left for Mexico...not once but twice without so much as a good-bye. And then the way Gibbs had retaken his desk and resumed his duties. No phone call. Not even an email. Just show up one morning after unceremoniously dumping Tony's stuff back to his old spot. If that hadn't shown Tony what Gibbs thought of him, nothing else would have.

And for as much as it hurt, it was okay. It wasn't like Tony had expected better. He could live with that---had been living with it for some time. He wasn't devastated---disappointed, oh yes, he was there. Heartbroken---no, not really. He wasn't sure he'd actually given his heart away to Gibbs. It was probably a good thing he hadn't.

Tony now realized Gibbs was never going to change...ever. He was constant, like the north star. And for the most part, Tony liked him that way. But that inability to change meant Gibbs would always see a long term relationship as something he would have with a woman---not a male subordinate that he occasionally used for stress reduction.

Tony grimaced. It seemed cold blooded and callous when he thought of it that way, but really it hadn't been any more than that. And for the first time in his life, Tony found himself wanting more than that. He wanted more than what he'd always gotten. It was a startling revelation for him---someone so afraid of commitment, so immured in the physical, so immature to want the sort of 'grown up' relationship other people were always touting as being worth dying for.

Tony bit his lower lip. He could handle being forgotten and ignored...or at least he thought he could. It wasn't exactly a new experience. It was just one he hadn't thought to be on the receiving end of when it came to Gibbs.

"Nothing like getting hit by the clue bus is there, DiNozzo?" Tony muttered to himself. "Hell, I've been handling it for months, a few more is not going to be much harder." It was getting easier all the time. And he wondered if that should bother him. It wasn't something he really wanted to think about right now.

That left the issue of his teammates to consider. They clearly didn't hold him in very high regard either. First sign of trouble and Ziva choose to hide, preferring to call Gibbs rather than trust Tony to handle it. Not that Tony was sure he could have handled it, but he would have liked to have gotten some token show of confidence, some measure of trust. And she'd been pushing his buttons regularly of late, making sure to rub it in that he was no longer in charge.

One would think she'd be willing to cut him some slack for being slow to adjust and get out of the habit of being in charge. Took her months not to just lash out and kill a suspect---although, not soon enough if one stiff in an elevator was anything to go by. And it was more than a year before she stopped showing up at the office at five AM. Now they were lucky to see her on time. Her being two hours late barely raised an eyebrow.

Tony's expression turned rueful. Ziva was always quick to judge others harshly, adopting an air of superiority every time she did. It was what made her getting idioms and adages wrong in American slang that made it so much fun to correct her all the time.

McGee already made his feelings clear when he said he didn't think Tony was good enough to lead a team of his own. Not that everyone else hadn't expressed the same sentiment every time they pointed out Tony wasn't Gibbs. Most days that was them saying he just wasn't good enough. And on others, well, it translated into calling Tony a blithering idiot. Not exactly a ringing endorsement no matter how he looked at it.

Working with people who so obviously didn't trust him or think well of him just wasn't something he really wanted to do any more. But then again, it wasn't like he hadn't been doing it for years, so continuing the charade wasn't going to be impossible. He left them out of the loop with regard to Shepard's undercover operation and hadn't shared details of his new girlfriend with them said something about Tony's trust level too. Tit for tat maybe. Couldn't be expected to trust them if they didn't trust him. And so far, for the most part, it worked. What that said about all of them wasn't something Tony cared to dwell on either.

Even Abby was so happy to have Gibbs back, it was apparent she never really considered Tony to be 'Boss'. He was an understudy, a stand in. Someone she liked well enough, but not someone she'd hold in the same hallowed place she reserved for Gibbs.

Tony didn't blame her for that. He had a hallowed place for the man too. Not that Gibbs knew it. Although the hug he gave the older man when he'd seen him after thinking Gibbs had died in an explosion should have given some clue as to how he felt. For all the more emotion he got back from Gibbs, Tony might as well have been hugging a two by four.

Ducky seemed to be pissed with Gibbs. So Tony wasn't certain if the older man's regard for him as leader was a function of anger at his old friend or genuine respect for Tony's ability. Either way, it wasn't enough for him to really say staying in D.C. would be worth it. Not when that meant having to be around Gibbs every single day, knowing the man didn't remember anything about 'them'.

Not that there was ever much of an 'us' to really remember, Tony thought. They hadn't made any formal commitment to one another. Never really did more than sweat up the sheets a few nights a week. No dinners out, no movies, no whispered declarations of love. They rarely spoke at all and had damn little in common outside the job when it came right down to it. Sex was something that could be had anywhere, gotten from anyone. It didn't make Tony special to Gibbs any more than his job performance had.

Tony considered that. He'd met Jeanne less than a month ago and admittedly his first instinct had been to sleep with her. But it was more complicated than that. He had already made up his mind to handle his relationship with her differently. If he kept doing what he'd always did, he'd get what he always got---which was nothing in the end.

That relationship, still in its infancy, would die if he moved to Spain. Was that worth staying for? It could be. There was no way to tell yet.

The only one who seemed to think he'd done a fine job as acting team leader was Shepard. Over the past four months, Tony had gotten to know her better, and he appreciated her confidence. He knew she wouldn't have offered him the job if she didn't think he wasn't ready.

Funny thing about that was he hadn't thought he was ready until Gibbs walked out and forced him to step up to the plate. His own personal opinion of his job performance was average, a solid 'B'. Nothing stellar, but nothing to be ashamed of either. They'd solved every case they'd been assigned without Gibbs, so Tony knew he'd done something right.

And while he'd told Jenny he'd be fine with working for Gibbs again, that wasn't entirely true. If everything had gone back to the way it was before Gibbs quit---then yeah, he could have handled it. Except, Gibbs wasn't really back...not fully. The stupid mustache that looked like a caterpillar died on his upper lip was certainly proof of that. Not to mention his calling Ziva 'Kate'. Or the oddly hesitant way he acted at times---like when he'd given McGee a compliment and then belatedly gave Tony one too as if the wasn't sure if he should or not. The rest of the team might not trust him or respect him, but Tony was fundamentally part of what they all considered 'normal'. Getting back to the status quo would be a lot easier if he stayed?at least for now.

The undercover gig...was it important enough to stay in D.C.? Tony shook his head. Shepard didn't seem think so and the operation was her baby. But she could have just been saying that so as not to influence him unduly.

Tony had never left anything unfinished before, and he really didn't want to start now. The whole operation could make for a nice feather in his cap---depending on how it went.

So the question remained, did he want to lead a team of his own? Was he ready for it? Tony sighed. He liked being in charge, but he wanted to know he could earn the trust of his team and be worthy of it when the time came. He wasn't ready just yet, but he was getting closer all the time.

Tony smiled. The whole thing reminded him of learning to swim. He wanted to be able to join in the fun but was afraid of the water. Getting tossed in by an older cousin had solved the problem for him---much the same way Gibbs leaving had---both were sink or swim situations. And both times, he'd managed to keep his head above water. But it was a struggle. He wouldn't mind having it come easy for once.

Tony checked his watch. Time to go talk to Shepard. He continued to turn things over in his mind until he opened the door to her office. At that moment, he knew he wasn't leaving. He wanted to see the operation through she'd trusted him with. And no matter how he might personally feel about Gibbs, professionally he really didn't want to leave knowing the man wasn't 100%. Whatever was going to happen with Jeanne, Tony wanted to give it a chance.

That Shepard wasn't disappointed in his decision mattered to him. More than he had expected. He was relieved she thought he'd made a wise decision.

Another opportunity at NCIS might not come around for years, but that didn't really matter. When he was ready, Tony could make his own opportunity---of that he was certain. NCIS wasn't the only agency out there. Until then, he'd get the experience he needed, finish is undercover assignment, and see how things worked out with Jeanne.

Wait and see was a good enough strategy for now.