"Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us."
~Rainer Maria Rilke~

~*~*~*~

I'm a man who doesn't like to show what he feels or thinks. I like to be a bastard and I'm not looking forward to changing that sooner or later. It's what I am, who I am. I don't want to be someone else. It's the easiest just to be me.

Once I thought I really wouldn't be me if I would be nice to one of my colleagues or friends. I was not ready to let some kindness slip through the surface but then something happened.

Someone special wormed his way into my life like a parasite and turned everything in my life upside down. First I was so really pissed. Yeah, that was exactly what I felt back then. I was nothing but totally pissed. I didn't like it when he joked around, even when there was nothing funny. I thought he was the rich ass he looked like, always thinking the end of himself and arrogant because he had the more expensive clothes and all that money from his father.

When I think about it seriously, pissed was no term for how angry I was, that someone like him should push my team to something better than it already was. He was more than a pain in the ass. Anyway, who likes parasites in his team?

Yeah, right. Nobody.

But later during the time when we got to know each other I learned things about this frat boy I had never thought of. He was in no way a spoiled kid living from the heir of his millionaire parents. I remember the day, when he told me about his childhood as if it was yesterday. I think it was the best evening I ever had.

It was after a case which dragged on like gum for almost a week. It was an undercover operation, his first one with NCIS and it was pretty difficult because we lost him once. I was very pissed – as if that's something new with me – that he took the whole op as if it was the easiest he ever had to do. I was afraid he would dance on his desk and strip down of joy. In no way that would happen in my presence!

But that's not what I wanted to tell you. That evening after we got him back, not hurt, mission done as best as we could do it, he waited in the bullpen although I already had his report laying in front of me until everyone else was out. I told him he should go home but he just shook his head and suddenly stood in front of my desk to ask me if he could invite me for dinner somewhere as kind of a party that we solved the case.

I was stunned at first. I mean, he was the most annoying man I knew, as far as I knew he was going clubbing everyday after work and all that. I didn't see him as a man with good manners. Without thinking further about his question I agreed. What I didn't know back then was that he chose a perfect restaurant, old-fashioned style… something I never expected from him.

Even more surprising was that during the whole dinner he never said something. No comments, no jokes, just the ‘thank you' when our plates were brought to us. He was unexpectedly polite until we both had finished our meals. One smile played around his mouth when he told me, he was going to pay for me. He meant it. But his politeness only increased when he offered me a drive home.

Finally he brought me to my door. What happened then almost took my breath away. Okay, not really. I was just confused when he hesitated instead of leaving and driving home himself. Almost shy were the words, when he asked me, if we could have a little talk. It was obvious there were some things he couldn't keep with himself all alone. He didn't look vulnerable, that came later when I negated. He just said okay and I should have a good night and there was something in his eyes. A hint of sadness. I thought he would break down in front of me crying. Indeed I saw the glint as if there were tears building in his eyes.

I'm an emotionless bastard, no way to deny that but even I have feelings. And what I saw intrigued me. I took him by the arm and invited him in. A weak smile appeared his lips and for a moment I considered pushing him back for this but I didn't. I may be a bastard but I never wanted to be too unfriendly. Anyhow I expected my team to trust me and if I would push him away now I could forget about that.

So I let him in, gave him a cup of tea, which he thankfully took and waited until he started talking.

I already mentioned how pissed I was when this man joined my team but also how special he is. What changed my mind was this seemingly so trivial talk we had. I learned many things about him I would never have known from just watching him at work. He's more than talented to hide what he really thinks and feels. He didn't show it when something affected him badly.

In reality he was a pensive, uncertain almost a bit melancholic young man who just left his mother a few months before he became a member of my team. He was disowned by his father and thrown out at the age of sixteen, more than once beaten by this man who had the obligation to protect his son and – what shocked me the most – his father had raped him over years.

After he told me all that he just wanted to leave my house, but I didn't thought about letting this man out of my sight after he told me his whole résumé. I rather feared he could do something silly. What he told me in combination to the case we solved made me seriously think he would commit suicide so I just took him into an embrace to offer him protection. He cried silently and it was a good sign.

I respected him for being so strong his entire life but even more respected him for not wanting to be pitied. Later he told me he just wanted me to understand that he is not the happy rich children I though he is. He wanted at least one person to know what he was really like.

Since I knew about him and his childhood and all we are more than friends. That was something else he hoped he would get from me. A friend who turned out to be a lover, what he didn't expected. But this way he got two things he had never known before: friendship and love. Two things he obviously must have starved for since he was a little boy. I all but granted him after all the things he had gone through.

~*~*~*~

Today was the first day I thought he might break down. All the years since this one evening when he confessed me his tale of woe I adored him. How could someone hide so perfectly who he really is? That's something I won't ever understand but I don't think I even want to understand. It's just that I hoped for a while it won't break down on him.

But in a kind of way it did. I remember visiting him in his cell interrogating himself. I knew he was on the edge. It hurt so much seeing him like that. It almost broke my heart and all I wanted to do was finding the one who did this to him and ripping his guts out. He deserved nothing less. His words are echoing in my ears, I can't escape them and I'm sure they won't fade away anytime soon.

"You know, I've been thinking, I'm a federal prosecutors dream."

"You do tend to date a lot, don't you, Mr. DiNozzo?"

"Yeah, I do tend to date a lot, but who's to say dating a new girl every week is a crime?"

"No. But it does speak to your deep seated psychological problems and commitment issues."

"Really? So you're saying my intimacy issues stem from my mother who dressed me as a sailor until I was ten years old?"

"Maybe. Well I guess it might explain why you objectify women and treat them like sexual objects. While you're so forthright and insightful, Mr. DiNozzo, why did you sink your teeth in the victim's leg?"

"Because I'm angry and I'm immature and I like control."

""You have no alibi."

"Alibi? How can I have an alibi when the coroner doesn't even have a time or a date?"

"That's interesting. What about means? Gloves, a scalpel… You could have gotten these things from work. No?"

""Right, of course. I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but those are the break when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night, right?"

"I'm not getting out of this one, am I boss?"

Although I knew all the things he let slip about his childhood during interrogating himself I was shocked by the sentence following the interrogation itself. As I knew him he was someone who never gave up, who would never stop craving for attention and friendship and love. Who kept even the tiniest little hope he could see. But in this cell everything he hid over the years seemed to rush over and catch him. He couldn't hold back his emotion and I'm not the littlest surprised, that he didn't loose himself when Agent Sacks or Fornell were visiting him to ask more and more questions.

~*~*~*~

"Hey, what are you thinking about?" I was startled to hear his words now. I thought he already found his way into sleep next to me. I looked at him and saw some of the tension, which hasn't faded yet. He looks a bit lost and sad but I know that he's much more relaxed than hours ago.

"You." I simply answered and laid my arms around him, comforting and supporting him. It gave him halt, I knew that and he knew it, too. He didn't deny the slight embrace, he was rather enjoying it and that makes me happy.

He bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes briefly before he looked back into mine. I could see the sadness. I knew what he was going to say before he spoke the words. "What exactly did you think about me?"

There was nothing I had to hide from him. The words came without any hesitation. "I thought I would loose you to this damn intrigue. I thought we wouldn't find any evidence, that you hadn't been the murderer."

"But you did." He snuggled deeper into my offered embrace, wants to be protected, but also protects me somehow.

"Yeah, but still… Were you afraid?"

I took time until he responded. I felt him shrugging in my arms. "I didn't really think about being afraid. By the way, you know I'd never admit it if I was."

There was a long pause where neither of us said anything.

"I hope you haven't pissed of more people who want to bring you into jail, you know. I wouldn't stand that." When I said the words he already fell asleep and I didn't take it amiss. How could I? He had one hell of a day. Rest is the only thing he needs right now. And I won't give way.

By the time he wakes up, I'll still be there, supporting him.