I'm staring out the window even though I don't see anything for my eyes are filled with tears. I can't believe how wrong I was. God, I'm supposed to be a profiler. It's my job to understand what people think, it's my job to get inside their head.

I always thought Tony was some kind of big child, that he just loved dating women, taunting people… But deep down, in some place he managed to hide from us, he happened to be deeply hurt, and no one could ever do something about it.

I remember what he told me tonight. We'd gone to a pub and ended up a little bit drunk. Went to his place and suddenly, before I even realized what I was doing, I kissed him. First he kissed me back, but then he stepped back, looking confused.

"What are you doing?" he'd told me.
"Well, kissing you" I'd replied innocently. I leaned over and tried to kiss him again but he took another step back.
"That's wrong"
"Why?"
"You're drunk. It's not really you"
"I'm not that drunk. I love you" I still can't believe I told him that.

He looked confused, or maybe disturbed… anything but glad. He looked down and I felt stupid. I was about to run away when he talked again.
"You shouldn't. I don't deserve it"

I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he said that. He looked so sad, so hurt. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him it wasn't true. But I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked by his last sentence.

He smiled sadly and opened the door. I stammered something that I hoped sounded like a good-bye and left. I broke down and sobbed as I was in my car, even though I didn't know who I felt sorrier for.
All this time I worked with him and I never noticed anything.

Suddenly, it strikes me that maybe it was the reason why he never dated women for more than a week. Maybe he thought he didn't deserve to be truly loved.

I'd really want to know what made him feel this way. Who could be horrible enough to tell him he didn't deserve to be loved?
But I know that he's never gonna tell me.

I wasn't out of my mind. I do love him. Drinking only made it easier to say. I love him, and when I was finally able to tell him, he told me it was wrong.

That's why I'm here, alone in my apartment, crying like a little girl. I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to have to face him.
What if I called Gibbs to tell him I'm sick? Then again maybe not. He would be mad at me, and I'm not a coward.

I walk to my room and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Red eyes, wet lines running down my cheeks, messed up hair. I can't help but chuckling as I realize how awful I look.

"Come on Kate, you can do it" I tell myself. I'm gonna have a shower and then I'll go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll go to work and act like nothing happened. I just hope he'll do the same.

I knew it. I shouldn't have come to work today. I thought everything was gonna be okay, but I was wrong.

When I arrived and sat at my desk, I noticed Tony wasn't there. So? It isn't the first time he's late. I'd started to talk with McGee about a new software of his (didn't understand a thing but I decided not to let him know) when Tony came in. At that point, I knew I couldn't cheat.

He flashed me this grin that makes him so irresistible and said a cheerful "Hi Kate!" Well at least one of us was able to pretend that we never had last night's conversation. I smiled nervously and nodded.

I've spent the whole morning glancing at him, just in case he tried to talk to me. But every time he looked up and met my eyes, I looked down. I felt like I was gonna go crazy. I wanted to talk with him, but I couldn't even bring myself to look at him.

"Kate, DiNozzo, you get this to Abby I think she might need it" Gibbs said as he handed me a Caff-Pow.
"D-Don't you think only one of us would be enough?" I stammered.
"Maybe she needs some help with her work down there"

Gibbs looked me in the eyes and I understood. He knew what he was doing. Someday I really should investigate this guy.
Tony just nodded and went to the elevator.

We spent a quiet way down. Far too quiet, if you ask me. He wasn't even looking at me, but I could have sworn he was as nervous as I was.
After a while, it was more than I could bear. I pressed the emergency button and the elevator stopped.

"What are you doing?" he said, confused.
"Spill it"
"Spill what?"

I closed my eyes for a second as I sighed heavily. Come on Kate, you started it. It's too late to go backwards I thought.

"What did you mean last night?" I swear I saw him wince as I said it.
"You remember last night?"
"As I said, I wasn't that drunk"

He looked away and sighed. I wanted to scream at him, to push the button and get the hell out of there. Instead I kept staring at him, waiting for an answer.

"What do you wanna know?" he asked softly.
"What do I wanna know? I wanna know why you said you didn't deserve to be loved"
"Because it's true"
"What makes you say that?"

He turned and his eyes met mine. He looked so sad, so hurt, I didn't know if I would be able to carry on.

"Why do you think I date girls only for a week? Why do you think I drop them before one of us falls in love? Why do you think I never tried to have a date with you?"

I felt like he'd slapped me in the face. I wanted to talk, to ask him why, but he talked before I was even able to make up a correct sentence.

"I don't deserve a true love, for I'd spoil it. I spoil everything, Kate. That's why. And I don't wanna hurt you"

I can't take my eyes off of him. I'm completely stunned by his last words. He hits the emergency button and the elevator starts going down again.
I can feel the tears coming to my eyes.

"Tony?" I whisper suddenly.
"What?" he asks sadly as he turned to me.

I don't even hesitate, I cup his face in my hands and kiss him. And somehow I feel him kiss me back. Now the tears are running down my cheeks, but I don't care. I want this moment to last, I want him to stay with me.

Only he doesn't want to.

He steps back and the magic stops. I look at him, my eyes pleading for him to stay.
"I'm sorry" he whispers as the elevator doors open. He walks away and I stay here, like in shock.

I was finally able to walk out this damn elevator and go into Abby's lab.
"Hi Kate!" Abby yelled happily as she saw me.
I looked at her and she frowned as she saw the look on my face.
"Kate, what's wrong?"

I don't need to answer. She hugged me and I started sobbing in her arms.

I can’t believe I said what I said. Anthony, you are a fool. Did you really think you could tell her and get away like that? Of course you can’t, it’s Kate! She’s not like the other silly girls you date. She’ll ask you more. She’ll want to understand.

I’m so mad at myself that I hit the wall all of a sudden and, as much as I don’t want to admit it, it hurts.
“I don’t think that poor wall did anything to deserve that, my dear boy” a familiar voice says from behind me. Funny, it even makes me smile.

“Sorry. Just needed something to punch”
“And why is that?” Ducky asks quietly.
“Let’s just say I’m in a difficult situation”
“With a lady?”

I turn around to meet his gaze, unable to hide my surprised look.
“How do you know?”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’”
“No, it’s just… I…never mind” I finally sigh, which makes him chuckle.

“Anthony, I know you” he starts then stops abruptly as he saw me wince “I’m sorry. Tony, I know you. If ever there’s something that can cause you troubles – besides our cases of course -, it’s the ladies”

I shrug. “Guess you’re right”
“Of course I am” he chuckles again “Now tell me what’s wrong”

I hesitate. I’m not sure if I should tell him about it. Then again, it’s a safer choice than to tell Gibbs. And he’s not supposed to know I’m talking about Kate anyway.

“There’s this girl that… well, she said she loved me”
“I don’t see anything wrong in that”
“Yeah well, there are things she doesn’t know about me. And I’d love to keep it that way”
“You need to trust the person you love if you want to love her the right way”
“Who said I love her?”
“You don’t love her?”

I open my mouth but only to shut it without saying a word. I should really try to learn how Gibbs and Ducky manage to make people confess things without realizing it.

I look around like I’m searching for an exit door, but there isn’t any. Ducky, however, seems to notice my embarrassment and he puts a hand on my shoulder, while looking soothingly in my eyes.

“Why don’t you want to tell her who you truly are?”
“Because she wouldn’t understand”
“What makes you say that?”
“Nobody would understand that”
“I did”
“It’s not the same”
“Isn’t it?”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath for a second. I want to scream and run out of here, but a little voice in the back of my head tells me it’s too late for that.

“Now let’s see it differently. What does your childhood have to do with her?”
“I-I kinda told her that I’d waste it all”
“What?”
“Our love, our relationship”
“Why did you say that?”

I find myself laughing nervously. I start to feel like I’m soon gonna have to deal with a hell of a headache but suddenly I realize that I don’t even care. Right now I need someone to talk to.

“I don’t know why. But I said it. And now she’ll want to know what that meant”
“Maybe you should tell her”
“I can’t do that!” I practically yelled.
“Why not?”
“I told you, she wouldn’t understand”
“I really think Kate’s smart enough to understand”

Okay, it’s official, Ducky’s freaking me out. My eyes widened in shock as he pronounced her name.
“How… H-how do you…” I stammer, sounding just like McGee when Gibbs is glaring at him.
“I didn’t know it, I just thought it could be her. And I guess I was right” he just says with a smile.

For some unknown reason, I feel like I’m mad at him.
“Are you here to make fun at me, Duck?” I growl at him.
“Calm down, I’m just trying to help you”
“Well, don’t. I’m doing just fine”
“You don’t even believe your own words”

It’s more than I can take. I brush past him and start to climb up the stairs. Just as I’m leaving, I can hear him say:
“One day you really should stop running away”

It takes me aback and I start to slow down, but the little voice tells me to get out of here. And even though I didn’t show it, I’m sure he knows I heard him.

I find myself staring at Kate's door. I don't know how or why I came here, but I feel like I own her an explanation. Question is: will I be able to give it to her?
I take a deep breath and I knock on the door, strangely hoping that she won't be there. It only takes her a second to open the door. Lucky me.
She stares at me, surprise written all over her face.

She takes a step back to let me in. I walk into her apartment without saying a word. I hear her asking me if I want a drink, and I mumble something that – I hope – sounds like a no.
We sit on her coach and she just waits for me to start talking.

"I needed to talk to you" I start. She looks down, quietly clearing her throat.
"I'm listening" she says looking back up at me.

God, I hate to do this. I just want to get up and run away from here. Only I can't. Not this time.
"I wanted you to know what I meant earlier" I said uneasily. She just nods.

"When I was a kid, I used to be alone. I didn't have a lot of friends because the other kids thought being rich meant being snooty. My mother was always gone to some friends' house or something. And my father…"

I clear my throat, wondering if I'll be able to go on. However, I look up to meet her eyes. She's patiently waiting for me to speak again.

"My father was an alcoholic. He used to hit me every time something went wrong in his life, even though it had nothing to do with me"

I hear her gasp and somehow I can't help but smile. Typical Kate.

"My mother had no idea what was going on. At first I hid my bruises. I felt like I'd deserved it and I was ashamed of it. But after a while, I stopped hiding them. My teachers used to see them, but they pretended like they didn't. They knew my father was loaded and powerful. They knew they could lose their job or worse if they talked"

I can see the shock in her eyes even though she's trying to keep a straight face on. Memories flash before my eyes as I tell her about my life, but I won't stop. I have to let it all out.

"I finally found myself trying hard to make people see the marks on my arms. One day I even tried to tell my geography teacher about them. ‘Don't you see? Don't you see those cuts, those bruises?' I said right in her face. ‘Aren't you even gonna ask me how I got those?'

She just stared at me for a second, and then she said ‘What marks?' I swear, it felt like she'd just hit me in the face. I couldn't believe what she told me"
"What did you do?" Kate asks me, trying not to let me hear the emotion in her voice.

"I ran out of the school. I'd never felt so lonely. I tried to tell my mother about the bruises, but she didn't believe me. Until one night, my father thought she would only come back the next day, so he decided to have fun with me. Started to beat the crap out of me while I gritted my teeth trying not to scream. Screaming only made it worse. But my mother walked in, slapped him across the face and helped me up. She yelled at him, telling him that he was sick, that he would never touch me again"

I feel tears coming up to my eyes, but I don't care. I can't stop now.

"She took me away from him and she told me she was sorry, she should've listened to me. She promised me everything was gonna be okay.
For two weeks I've lived without that fear that consumed me. Until the day…"

The tears start running freely down my face and I can see she's about to cry too. I sigh before carrying on.

"My mother was supposed to pick me up at school. Instead two policemen came and told me that she wasn't coming. They said she'd had a car accident, but I knew better"

I wipe the tears with my sleeve. Kate shivers a bit, fearing what was coming.
"What happened?"

"Didn't take a genius to figure out who was driving the other car. My father had friends. Dangerous friends. He told them my mother had betrayed him or something, so they killed her. And it's all my fault. If only I'd kept my damn mouth shut…"

"I don't even wanna hear you say it, okay? It's not your fault" Kate says, tears rolling down her own cheeks.
"They killed her because of me, Kate"
"You were just a kid"
"No, not anymore" I say through my quiet sobs "I stopped being a kid the first time he hit me"
"Yeah, but you couldn't know…"
"I knew what he was capable of. I should've known better"


She just stares at me sadly as I breakdown and start crying like a little child. I can feel her wrap her arms around me and rest her head on my shoulder.

I keep on crying as a single memory is playing in my head. The words my father whispered in my ear the day my mom was buried.

"You know what happened, don't you?"
"They killed her"
"You know why?"
"Because she was trying to help me"
"So whose fault is it?"
"Mine"
"It's your fault because you always spoil everything. Your mother loved you Anthony. But you don't deserve being loved. Never forget that"