Even though it was over twenty-five years ago, I can still remember the time I thought I'd lost you for good.

The time I screwed up so badly that you said you couldn't forgive me.

Wouldn't forgive me.

I can still remember the over-whelming pain I felt, as I let you walk out of my home.

The self-disgust I felt at what I'd done.

The fear that dug into me so deeply, I never truly let go of it.

The shock I felt at hearing you describe sex as 'fucking'.

But even then, even then in the midst of all that, I'd still hoped. I knew you, right? I loved you. You loved me. It'd be all right. It had to be all right. It had to be.

And then . . .

And then Jenn told me you'd retired.

Gone.

Left.

Left NCIS.

Left me.

And that was when I knew I had really lost you. Lost you for good.

For three months I existed.

That was all. I existed.

God knows how I stayed alive. Maybe there is a God. Maybe despite everything, he did care about me, and was looking out for me.

Someone had to be. Because I sure as hell wasn't looking out for myself.

I'd lost you.

I'd driven you away.

It was my fault.

Utterly.

Totally.

Completely.

Entirely.

Unreservedly.

Overwhelmingly.

One hundred and twenty percent my fault.

No one else's.

Mine and mine alone.

And I didn't know what I could do to put it right.

I didn't think there was anything I could do.

You'd made that clear.

Losing you woke me up though.

Woke me up to what I'd always known I'd wanted.

Haven’t touched another woman since the night I proved just what a bastard I was. 'The second B's for bastard'. I used to almost joke about it. But no more. Not since then.

Didn't want to.

Didn't need to.

Couldn't.

Wouldn't.

Then I got you back.

God, it sounds simple

I'm still not sure why. Not totally.

Just know my world became whole again.

I took care.

Took care of you.

Of me.

Still doing that.

And I'll go on doing it until . . .

I'm watching you sleep. You sleep more these days. But that's okay, because I like to watch you.

It helps me remember, if I need reminding, of just what I lost.

And what thankfully, what amazingly I regained.