"Whatever, Tony," McGee said in frustration, shaking his head in annoyance.
"I'm just saying that no woman in her right mind would ever choose you over me," Tony said matter-of-factly. "It's not a criticism, Probie. It's simple fact. I'm hot. You're not," Tony continued, stretching back in his seat. Unfortunately for Tony, he miscalculated the amount of leaning his chair could handle, and began to tip backward. His hands grasped for the desk in an effort to keep himself upright. Gibbs smirked at the antics of his senior field agent, while Ziva laughed full-out.
"Umm… Tony," Abby interrupted. "I believe there are women out there who have slept with McGee and not you," she said pointedly.
"Yeah, but they weren't hot," he said, forgetting that Abby herself was one of those to which she had referred.
"Tony!" she exclaimed in protest.
"Tony; apologize to Abby," Gibbs ordered, enjoying the discomfort his agent had suddenly made for himself.
"I'm sorry, Abs, I didn't mean that YOU specifically weren't hot, I mean, you are so incredibly hot and if you were willing I… I should just stop talking right now," Tony said, catching Gibbs' warning glance.
Abby smiled happily now that all was right with the world again. McGee shook his head. There were times at which he felt he could see all the way into Abby's soul, and then other times at which he didn't understand her at all. But, she was a woman, after all. He couldn't expect to understand her completely.
"Perhaps we could make a challenge of it," Ziva proposed.
"Are you suggesting we both seduce you, and you tell us who did a better job?" Tony asked suggestively.
Ziva shook her head. "I don't think so, Tony," she said. "I was going to suggest, and NO movie references Tony, that we go to a bar we have never been to before and you each try to pick up the same woman."
"Oh! That sounds fun!" Abby said, moving to stand next to Ziva.
"Only if I get to pick the girl," Tony said, raising his chin a notch.
"Afraid of a little competition, Tony?" McGee countered.
Tony scoffed. "Competition? From you?" He shook his head in disbelief, never taking his eyes from his opponent.
"Game on," Gibbs said, making his way toward the elevator. "And I'll pick the girl."
---
"The White Lion?" Tony said as they walked toward the entrance. "Weren't they a band in the 80s?"
"It's the only place I could find somewhat near the Navy Yard that isn't already frequented by one of us," Ziva explained.
"I can see why," McGee said, pulling his arms in closer to his sides. Catching the gesture, Abby grabbed him by the arm.
"Never fear, I shall protect you," she proclaimed.
"Umm… Abs? Not exactly helping me look manlier," he said under his breath as he pulled away from her slightly.
After some time at the bar, each competitor had a respectable amount of alcohol in his system and considered himself "on the prowl".
"DiNozzo versus McGee: the ultimate showdown," Abby said in her best pro wrestling announcer voice.
Tony gave her a sideways look. "It's hardly the ‘ultimate' of showdowns, Abs."
"Don't count your geese before they hatch, Tony," Ziva admonished with a smile.
"Chickens, Zee-vah," Tony corrected her. Ziva shrugged.
"Boss?" McGee said, his eyes fixed in the direction of the entrance to the bar. "Umm… can I make a suggestion?"
"Whoa," Tony said, nearly choking on his beer. She was a total knockout: tall and slim, yet well-endowed, with long auburn hair.
Gibbs smirked when he caught sight of the lady the boys had chosen. He couldn't blame them for being interested.
"Hold this," Tony said, handing his beer to Ziva as he began checking his clothes to see that he was perfect. "I'll be back," he said, eyebrows high in promise.
McGee watched in horror as Tony suavely approached the target. He knew he didn't stand a chance against Tony. Why on earth had he allowed himself to be goaded into this? His expression softened to curiosity as he saw the woman politely dismiss Tony, motioning to her friends. Maybe he could win after all. He racked his brain in an attempt to think of some way to approach her.
"Don't worry, McGee," Gibbs told him. "When she sees me, she'll come over," he promised. Tim and Tony both stared at their boss in disbelief.
It was at that exact moment that her eyes scanned the bar and she caught sight of Jethro Gibbs sitting on a stool at the bar. He raised his bottle to her in salute, smirk confidently plastered on his perfect face. Her face broke into a wide smile. She rose from her seat and crossed the room.
"Jethro," she said, stepping into his embrace and dropping a kiss on his cheek.
"Audrey," he responded in greeting, "it's been a long time."
"Too long," she replied.
Gibbs introduced her to the group, who all seemed more than happy to have her join them.
Abby vacated the stool next to Gibbs, allowing Audrey to have her seat.
"Thank you," she said to Abby with a smile.
---
After what seemed to McGee as hours discussing movies, he was quickly losing interest in Audrey. Until the conversation shifted to science. Gibbs smiled to himself the moment the gang figured out what Audrey did for a living. He was pleasantly surprised at how well she and McGee were getting on. For the first time since this whole charade started, he was beginning to think Tim stood a chance at beating Tony. He smiled. It would be good for both of them.
"Wanna dance?" McGee asked, blushing and uncomfortable, but definitely interested.
"I'd love to," Audrey responded genuinely. She allowed Tim to take her hand and lead her out to an empty space between some tables.
"Gibbs!" Abby half-shouted.
"What?" Gibbs responded.
"That's not a dance floor. He's making a fool of himself," Abby protested.
"He's doing fine, Abs," Gibbs insisted. "And since when do you care about what people think?"
"I don't care, but Tim does," she continued.
Abby lost the ability to breathe when she noticed the way they were looking into one another's eyes, and Tim's wandering hands.
"Tony!" Abby turned to attention to the other man who was staring open-mouthed at the scene being made.
"What?" he asked.
"Stop him, Tony," Abby insisted. "If you let him kiss her, you will lose this contest, do you hear me?! You will lose to a geek! Do you want that?" she continued, trying to force him into action.
"On my way," Tony said as he quickly approached the couple.
Tim leaned closer to Audrey, his hands pulling her even closer into his embrace. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know as he leaned down and began to kiss her.
"May I cut in?" Tony asked, practically pulling her away from Tim.
"Go away," she responded, waving Tony away and then grabbing Tim and re-engaging in the kiss. Not that he needed prompting.
Tony turned and began walking back toward the others, a look of complete bafflement on his handsome features.
"I guess McGee wins this round," he said, disappointed.
"I will dance with you," Ziva offered.
"Ziva!" Abby complained. "It's not a dance floor."
Ziva shrugged. "I don't care. Besides, it will take some eyes off McGee, yes?"
"Good idea," Tony said, pulling Ziva onto the floor with flourish.
Abby sat next to Gibbs and continue to stare.
"He looks like he's going to swallow her," she complained. "That is so not attractive."
"Why do you care, Abs?," Gibbs asked. "I thought you and Tim were long over."
"We are," Abby sighed. "Because I wanted it that way. But he's supposed to still want me."
"Is that so?" Gibbs asked with a smirk.
Abby pulled her gorgeous features into a pout.
"The way I see it," Gibbs began, pausing to take a long drink from his beer, "you don't want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. You can move on, but he can't. That's hardly fair, Abs."
"I know it's not fair, but it's what I want," Abby explained.
"Too bad," Gibbs told her.
Abby gave him a dirty look that made him smile.
"You can't have it both ways – at least not forever," he continued, gaining another disgruntled look. "Piss or get off the pot, Abs."
"Okay, okay!" Abby shouted, putting her hands over her ears so she wouldn't hear the truth of his words. She turned her back to the "dancing" and asked the bartender for a straight shot of tequila. She licked salt from her hand, tossed back the shot of tequila and followed it with the slice of lime provided. Recharged, she focused on the situation on the "dance floor", which was getting further out of hand by the minute.
"What are you gonna do?" Gibbs asked, already knowing the answer.
Abby took a deep breath, "I'm gonna piss!" she announced as she marched over to reclaim her geek.
---
Abby placed one of her hands on McGee's chest and the other on the young woman's shoulder and began to physically push them apart.
"Abby?" McGee asked, a bit dazed. "What's going on?"
"What's going on is you're making a fool of yourself with this hussy," Abby said.
"Hussy?" Audrey asked, amused at the goth girl's obvious jealousy.
"I'm sorry," Abby said, almost meaning it, before stepping between them in an attempt to get Tim's full attention.
"Abby, don't be rude," Tim began before he was gently interrupted.
"It's okay," Abby said, leveling a gaze at the other woman, "Tony already conceded defeat."
With a look of confusion, Audrey said, "It was nice meeting you, Tim," and began making her way to join Gibbs at the bar.
"Abby!" Tim chided. "How dare you treat her like that! Not only was it rude, but you made her look like…"
"How dare I treat HER like that?!" Abby interrupted in defiance. "How do you think it feels for me to watch you practically ‘doing' her right here in public?"
"I think you feel next to nothing, Abs," he admitted. "You've made that abundantly clear."
Abby lowered her head, not wanting him to see the tears that had sprung up in her eyes.
"That's not exactly true," she spoke to his feet.
"What was that?" he asked, not even daring to hope he had heard her correctly.
"I still want you, Tim," Abby said, bringing her eyes up to meet his. "I never really stopped. I guess I got a little scared and freaked out before at how fast you were going and I pushed you away, but I never meant for us to be this far apart. I didn't realize until I saw you ‘with' her how much I still want…"
She never got the opportunity to finish her sentence, as McGee picked up where he had left off with Audrey just moments before.
---
"Was I some sort of wager?" Audrey asked, joining Gibbs at the bar.
"Sorta," Gibbs said, buying her a drink.
At her raised eyebrow, he continued, "not really a wager, exactly. More like a challenge."
"Between…?" she asked him. "Because if you were involved it wouldn't be fair. We already know one another."
"Nope; not me," he answered with a smile. "Just DiNozzo and McGee."
She smiled in return. "In that case, wanna take me home?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.
"Wouldn't be the first time," he admitted with a smirk. "Why not? Just don't tell Fornell I've been working this closely with the FBI."
---
"What is this, the Twilight Zone?" Tony asked. Ziva laughed at his expression as he took in the passionate embrace between Abby and McGee as well as the sight of his boss escorting Audrey out of the bar on his arm.
"You can't win ‘em all, Tony," she told him with a smile.
He turned quickly to look at her. She would get that one right.
Author's Chapter Notes:
DiNozzo vs. McGee.
Just a fun piece of fluff with no plot. One-shot.
Just a fun piece of fluff with no plot. One-shot.