"If I'm as insecure and needy as you say I am, Boss - why'd you put up with me? Why haven't you just kicked me into touch - I know I would if I didn't like me." Tony sat on the lowest step of the porch in front of the beach house, both hands cradling a beer as he stared out to see - only too well aware of Gibbs settled in close behind him - his strong hands massaging the kinks and tension from Tony's shoulders.
"Tony," Gibbs sighed, shaking his head slightly. "Don't you get what this whole weekend's been about? Just you and me - you are here because I invited you - I wanted you here - "
"Why?" Tony demanded - his voice descending into a growl as Gibbs hit a particularly tight knot.
"Okay - I'll be honest - I just wanted some eye candy and the opportunity to fuck you senseless - we get back to DC and - " He could sense Tony wanting to move forward and away from him as he spoke but he pressed his fingers into the heated flesh beneath and pulled him back. "Sorry - I didn't mean that - "
"I knew it!"
"Tony - I asked you here because I knew this is what you've needed - something you've craved for such a long time - "
"You already said that," Tony pouted. "You working to a script or something?"
"Hey!" Gibbs dug in a little too hard this time. "Enough! I've already said what I said - and if it means repeating it again and again until you actually believe me - then I will keep repeating it. I love you - I love you and I need you in my life, DiNozzo - I want what is happening between us just as much as you do - only I don't want you having to question everything I say to you or everything I do - it's just us two - no one else in this relationship - you have to learn that I am not your damned father - I'm not every bastard boss you've ever known - and I want you to realise that you can let go - you can forget and just live in the now - with me - but just remember - I'm learning as much as you are - I say the wrong thing to you - you're quick enough to tell me so - and then I move on - lesson learned - won't be doing or saying whatever it was to you again."
"But - "
"Yeah - it's hard - I know that - I appreciate that," Gibbs kissed the top of his head lightly - smiling softly as he felt Tony melt back against him. "Give and take, DiNozzo - give and take - with me around - you don't have to pretend - you're not the goofball in the bullpen when we're alone," He let his arms slide around Tony's shoulders and rested his chin on a shoulder. "It really is okay just to be yourself, you know - you don't have to prove a thing to me."
"But why me, Boss? I mean - all the guys out there - you chose me?" Tony was hearing Gibbs - but he truly didn't understand what was being said. All these years - all his childhood - he'd been groomed to behave in a certain way - best behaviour expected always - you take orders and carry them out - you do this that way and that this way - and if he questioned anything - he was berated - and so he'd come to the conclusion that maybe this really was the only way - keep emotions locked up inside - never tell anyone - take it out on something when he was alone - one small explosion would keep him on the level - keep him grounded. He made people laugh - that much he knew - and that was a positive thing - a word, a look and people would be happy - even when he was hurting so badly inside - it didn't do to show you were upset or annoyed and if he made people happy - he could pretend to be happy right along side them and - for a while - he was able to forget. Only - he'd been able to forget for so long now - he realised he'd actually forgotten whatever it was - he'd buried it deep in his psyche - somewhere dark and lonely. Its only escape through his sometimes horrific nightmares - and his deeply seated insecurity.
Moving from job to job - city to city - he soon began to wonder if he'd actually left a part of himself in each one. Something hinky happened to make him reconsider his future - a future that seemed to change with the seasons it seemed so frequent - and before he knew it - he resigned - packed up and headed out of town - over the county line - over the state line - not really knowing it but knowing he was searching - for that elusive - something - a something that haunted him to this day. What in hell did he want? What in hell was he searching for - contentment? Peace of mind? A sense of belonging he never had as a child? Yet here he was - in an amazing place with a man who loved him dearly - who was patient - coaxing - gentle and loving - Gibbs - a man who seemed to have all the time in the world right now - nothing else mattered to him except that Tony begin his own private exorcism - that which he had held inside for so many years - each shard - every part of the whole that was no longer welcome - had to be freed - slapped in the face and tossed aside like a bag of garbage - Gibbs had warned him it might be tough - but with his lover at his side - it suddenly dawned on Tony he could do this - he had to start thinking differently - being positive was the key.
"Why not?" Gibbs left it hanging - moving backwards and starting on Tony's shoulders again.
"Why not what?"
"Other guys are other guys, Tony." Gibbs said softly. "That chat you had with Ducky when we'd been seeing each other for only six weeks? Taught you nothing?"
"He told you?"
"Only the barest outline," Gibbs nibbled an earlobe wrenching a soft moan from the man in his arms. "Which is why I started paying more attention - but without smothering you - you did the right thing going to Duck - he's a good teacher - when he's focussed and not off on one of his verbal rambles - if I'm not around - you know you can trust him." Gibbs leaned back - his elbows on the top step - a smirk gracing his features as he watched Tony get to his feet and walk a few paces forward - hands pushed into the pockets of his shorts - tightening the cotton covering his ass.
"A Marine Gunny and a two bit cop - " Tony mused out loud.
"And it could so easily be The President and a kitchen porter, Tony." Gibbs replied as he joined him.
"Do you think I'm a brat?" Tony turned to him - his eyes searching Gibbs's face.
"You do have your moments," Gibbs agreed. "But you are getting better - "
"Good," Tony nodded. "So that means - progress then?"
"It sure does, DiNozzo - a lot of progress - in fact - I'd say this weekend's been a big jump forward." He linked fingers with his young lover - tugging him after him towards the shoreline. "You should be proud of yourself."
"But I was crying like a two a year old - jumping on everything you said - "
"So?" Gibbs shrugged. "It means I'm getting there - same way you are - "
"But something tells me that there's more of that to come - am I right?" Tony stopped in his tracks, letting his hand drop from Gibbs's - his face suddenly sad.
"I told you," Gibbs retraced his steps - leaning in for a soft kiss. "It's going to be tough - just take solace in the fact you're not alone - not any more."
"It's just - it's scary."
"Okay - think of it like this - next time your Dad calls you - just tell him to go to hell and hang up," Gibbs snickered at the look on Tony's face - one of disbelief. "I guarantee - he hears that a couple of times - he'll be calling you to apologise."
"Nah," Tony shook his head defiantly. "Never happen."
"We can wait - it'll happen, Tony. It will happen."
Tony watched him thoughtfully as he continued on his way towards the gently rolling surf and as he did so - he felt the knot in the pit of his stomach begin to disappate - that had been something else he'd forgotten - so used to the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that had taken up residence inside his very being - and he was now visualising confronting his father - not backing down - pacing forward as he accused his father of whatever his father had done to make him the way he was but it was the look of blind terror on the old man's face as he backed away - denying everything - but ending every sentence by waving a check book in his son's face - only to have it snatched from him and tossed away.
Tony frowned - lips pursed. As much as he wanted it to be like that - he knew it couldn't be - he'd have to take a more subtle approach - maybe - as Gibbs had suggested - hang up the phone a couple of times.
"You going to stand there all night?" Gibbs called over his shoulder.
"On your six, Boss."
And all that earned him was a slap to the head.
They walked in silence for a good quarter mile, hand in hand, toes bunching into the wet sand and the water lapped their ankles. Both felt enough had been said - for now. Tony was on the path to - for him at that moment - he had no idea - but he was glad it was Gibbs at his side and no one else.
Gibbs - for his part - knew in his gut they'd really made headway and silently congratulated himself on the success of this weekend - reminding himself to book another vacation - a longer vacation here maybe later in the year - the solitude had done Tony the world of good - and it was then he noticed the way Tony was holding himself - the way he loved to see him hold himself - tall, walking with a purposeful grace - proud and almost aloof - but not quite aloof enough.
"You hungry?" Gibbs asked softly as they came to a stop.
"I am," Tony nodded. "And I'm seeing that fish Anso gave us slap bang in the middle of the coals - fries on the side - beer - "
"Nope - you're not eating crap on your last night here, DiNozzo - fish - salad and glass or three of whatever I haul out of the wine cellar."
"Onion rings? Gotta have something deep fried!" Tony whimpered.
"There is more to cooking than everything dripping with fat," Gibbs chuckled - and at the look on Tony's face - pouting with pleading eyes - he cracked instantly. "Okay - fries it is - and no - you can't have a bowlful all to yourself!"
"Aw," Tony nudged him with an elbow - that goofy smile in place. "You know - deep down - you want some too Boss - go on - nothing better than a nice crispy - "
"Enough!" Gibbs held up a hand.
"After you!"
"It sure will be - last one back is gutting the fish!" And Gibbs was racing off across the sand - leaving Tony spitting sand from his mouth and rubbing his face.
"Hah!" Tony grinned. "That's what you think!!" But he didn't break into a run - choosing instead to slowly walk back - Gibbs's yell of triumph sailing through the darkening evening towards him. "Least I can do," he thought to himself. "He's gone out of his way for me these last few days - more so - I'll just - " he shuddered. "Gut the thing and keep my eyes closed - maybe a couple of retches - and he'll do the job himself." He paused for a moment or two - gazing out over the ocean. "Why can't real life be like this - sun, sea and sex - all a guy needs - all I need - all we need."
The End
Author's Chapter Notes:
tony's finally getting it!! Understanding I mean!!