Gibbs came awake, instantly alert. He stayed still, his breathing deep and even, as his senses reached out trying to figure out what had woken him. He didn't know Tony's place as well as he did his own, so it took time to catalog and identify the innate sounds of his apartment.
At Gibbs' house there were no shared walls with another dwelling so he usually couldn't hear the neighbors going about their lives. Sounds of other people slamming doors, eating dinner, fighting, watching TV, having sex---they weren't noises he usually had to filter out. Whatever disturbed his deep and peaceful slumber was not on the other side of the wall---no it was closer than that.
He flinched when the overhead light came one, one hand immediately reaching for the gun he'd hidden under Tony's pillow. He rolled on to his side, back to the door, ready to dive to the floor and put the bed between himself and whoever had just invaded Tony's home. His move was aborted when he heard a soft command full of deadly promise if he didn't obey.
"Freeze."
Gibbs froze.
"I don't have any porridge, but I still want to know what you're doing in my bed."
Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief as he recognized the dry, mocking voice. "Tony...you can stand down," he said quietly as he sat up.
"Gibbs?! What the hell--" Tony stared at him, an incredulous expression on his face. "When I realized someone was here--" Green eyes narrowed, hard and measuring as he holstered his gun. "I could have shot you."
"You always make sure of your target before you fire." The statement was one of confident knowledge blended with a stern order.
"After midnight , an unidentified intruder breaks in my place," Tony growled, "I could make an exception."
"I didn't break in."
Tony arched an eyebrow. "Well, you don"t have a key. And I sure as hell didn't invite you to make yourself at home while I was gone."
Gibbs fought down a wince. No, he didn't have a key; that still hurt more than he expected. And unlike his own home, Tony's door was always locked, a clear message barring anyone from un-welcomed entry. Nor could he say he'd been invited, no matter how much he might wish it were otherwise. So, technically, Tony was right. He had broken in.
"I didn't kick down the door." Gibbs offered, not sure he was trying to defend himself or placate Tony.
"No, you just picked the lock." Tony laughed softly, rolling his eyes. "And while I'm grateful I don't have to replace a busted door jamb I still didn't get an answer to my question."
Gibbs frowned. "Quesât--"
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Gibbs wasn't sure what to say. The truth was that since the first night he'd spent in Tony's bed he'd been back every night since. He'd tried to spend the night in his own home, working on the boat the way he always had before, but a driving restlessness made it hard to relax or concentrate. And while he'd never say it aloud, he found himself seeking reassurance Tony would come back.
He couldn't be certain that if Tony took Pete's job that he wouldn't leave without saying good-bye...at least to Gibbs. He would probably say it to Abby if no one else. But Gibbs was sure Tony would come back for his stuff. He couldn't see Tony abandoning his collection of DVD's, the framed photos prominently displayed in his living room that were clearly important, or his sinfully expensive wardrobe. After talking to Pete, it had become a ritual for Gibbs to check Tony's apartment...to verify that everything was still where it should be, that Tony hadn't come back early and slipped away again.
Once at Tony's place, Gibbs couldn't bring himself to leave. He would give into the temptation to lie down on Tony's bed, to breath in the fading fragrance of the younger man, to curl up under the incredibly soft, down comforter and let sleep claim him. The stress of the day, the indecision and worry, the anger and frustration would bleed away allowing him to rest like he couldn't remember doing anywhere else in a long, long time.
"You all right?" Tony asked, interrupting Gibbs' thoughts, breaking the silence. Green eyes suddenly darkened with apprehension, Tony's weight shifting as though he were bracing for a blow. "Did something happen while I was gone?"
Gibbs shook his head. He understood what Tony was really asking; 'had someone been seriously injured?', or more accurately 'had someone died?'. It was a logical assumption in light of Gibbs unusual behavior; breaking in and sleeping in Tony's bed was clearly not normal.
"Everyone is fine."
And that was true...mostly. No one was injured or ill. So, physically, everyone was okay, but it was a bit of a stretch to say everyone was fine. Abby was moping. There was no other word for it. The music in her lab lately had been akin to the dirge she played when Kate had been killed, and Gibbs hadn't seen her really smile or bounce excitedly for at least two days. McGee was twitchy, almost flinching whenever Gibbs even looked his way. He was clearly waiting anxiously for Tony to get back and take some of the heat off. Ziva had taken to staring at Tony's desk throughout the day as though expecting him to just appear out of thin air. And Ducky wasn't talking to Gibbs about anything that wasn't case related. He never thought he'd miss hearing those odd bits of information the ME had gleaned over the years. Ducky didn't seem pissed at him---more like profoundly disappointed.
Tony cocked his head to one side. "Why do I get the feeling you aren't telling me the whole truth?"
Gibbs couldn't help the small smile that appeared. "Because you are a damn good investigator."
Tony scowled. "That's not quite the answer I was hoping for."
Gibbs sighed, rubbing one hand over his face. He had been sleeping so deeply, he still felt strangely disconnected. He needed caffeine for this conversation. "Can I have a cup of coffee?"
"Sure." Tony pointed to his bed. "While you make that, I'll get the coffee pot perking."
Gibbs nodded and went to work straightening up the bed. He was the one who'd messed it up, making it was the least he could do. He smoothed the flat sheet, petting the incredibly soft material. He'd had no idea sheets could feel so good against bare skin. It was no wonder Tony made a habit of sleeping naked---a habit Gibbs was glad he hadn't adopted. Tony finding him in his bed was bad enough, finding him naked would have been...Gibbs shook his head. It was best not to think on that.
He eyed the bed. It looked exactly as it had when he'd arrived. Gibbs had been careful to make the bed every morning. He hadn't known what sort of schedule Tony's housekeeper had. Or, obviously, when Tony would be home, but he'd been hoping to avoid having his trespass discovered.
He grimaced. Gibbs hadn't expected Tony to come home until tomorrow. Tony had another day left before having to be back to work. He had thought Tony might not even bother coming home, but just head right into the office. It was something Tony had done before when taking a long weekend.
Gibbs caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror over Tony's dresser. He finger combed his hair into order regretting letting it grow longer over the past year. When it was shorter it stayed neat. He considered changing out of his t-shirt and sweats before dismissing the idea. Tony had seen him in casual attire before. Not like the younger man cared what he was wearing.
Gibbs headed for the kitchen. He hesitated in the doorway, staring at Tony as the younger man poured water into the coffee maker. Now wide awake and alert, Gibbs couldn't help noticing that Tony looked good...very good.
The well worn denim of his jeans hugged Tony's ass in a way that made Gibbs force his eyes upward to avoid the temptation to touch. Looking up only brought his attention to Tony's trim waist and broad shoulders. Gibbs vaguely remembered Tony making a comment about going back to the gym. The firm muscles readily apparent under the thin cotton material of his t-shirt were definitive proof Tony hadn't lied.
The light tan he sported and the sun-bleached tips in his hair told of time spent where it was warm enough to make being outside enjoyable. The lines of stress and strain Gibbs had come to think of as normal were gone from around Tony's eyes and forehead. Without them he looked younger...more like he had when Gibbs first met him in Baltimore. Tony seemed more relaxed, more settled in his own skin, than he had since Gibbs' return from Mexico. Clearly the time off had been good for him.
Tony cast glance over his shoulder. "You done making sure all my limbs are present and accounted for?"
"Well you do have a tendency to get into trouble." Gibbs tried to keep his tone light. He didn't want Tony to know he wasn't checking him over for injury as much as he was checking him out.
Tony rolled his eyes, turning to face Gibbs, arms folded across his chest. "On the job, maybe, but my personal life is pretty tame."
Gibbs snorted. Tony's personal life was anything but tame.
"Doesn't hurt that I really haven't had a personal life for almost a year," Tony continued quietly, almost speaking to himself, his expression thoughtful. "What personal life I had dwindled steadily from the time I started at NCIS. Being on call nearly every weekend can put quiet a damper on socializing."
"We aren't on call every weekend," Gibbs pointed out.
Tony gave him a sardonic look, eyebrows arching upward. "So 'always be reachable, never unavailable' was more of a guideline than a rule? That whole lecture about staying focused and not quitting until we got our guy was just a passing fancy?"
Gibbs didn't know how to answer. Evidently his silence said enough because Tony just nodded and turned away. He picked up a mug from the counter. He filled it and handed it off to the older man. He poured another, adding cream and what seemed like an ungodly amount of sugar to Gibbs.
Tony's lips curling upward in a cold smile as he waved a hand toward the table. "You've already made yourself at home, so feel free to sit down."
Gibbs was glad he wasn't prone to blushing as he took a seat. He kept his expression neutral by force of will. He really should apologize, but couldn't bring himself to do so. He wasn't honestly sorry he'd picked the lock or slept in Tony's bed. He was sorry he'd gotten caught.
"I shouldn't have picked the lock." Gibbs admitted. He could admit that his actions were in the wrong. It wasn't the same thing as saying he was sorry. Tony's expression made it clear he understood the silent distinction being made.
"Wasn't expecting an apology from you. I know better than that." The last was bit was muttered and had a bitter edge to it.
Gibbs sighed silently. He knew he had a lot he should apologize for. Leaving the way he had, coming back the way he did, hurtful things said and done over the last few year...the list was a long one. Tony's statement made it clear he'd kept track at least to some degree.
"How did you know someone was here?" Gibbs asked. He'd been just as meticulous about keeping things the same in the rest of the apartment as he'd been in the bedroom. Unlike Ziva, Gibbs knew he didn't snore loudly, so Tony couldn't have heard him. And with the bedroom dark, he shouldn't have seen him in the bed either.
Tony pointed toward the small lamp that sat on the wood stand in the foyer. "Hall light."
"What about it?" Gibbs had turned it off. He was sure he had.
"It should have been on." Tony shrugged. "Bulb wasn't burnt out. So the only reason for it to be off was if someone had turned it off.
"You leave it on all the time?" Gibbs had thought the cleaning lady had simply forgotten to turn it off.
"Most of the time, I'm leaving at the ass crack of dawn, or I'm coming home in the middle of the night." Tony sipped his coffee. "I hate fumbling around in the dark, so I leave the light on."
"Seems wasteful."
"So is building boats you plan to set on fire rather than sail."
Gibbs grimaced. He really wasn't in a position to cast stones. He sipped his coffee, pleased to find it strong.
"Are you going to tell me now what you are doing here?"
"How did you like driving that Ferrari?" Gibbs asked baldly. It wasn't what he'd meant to say. It just came out.
Tony's eyes narrowed, a smirk appearing. "I thought you didn't listen to office gossip?"
"I don't."
"Well, I certainly didn't mention it...so the only way you could know was if you were giving the rumors more credence than you ever have before or," Tony cocked his head to one side, "you saw it being dropped off."
"I saw it being dropped off."
"And because I am in possession of what you consider an expensive, impractical play toy you felt the need to break into my home and sleep in my bed?"
"No." Not exactly, Gibbs amended mentally. The car was part of it...just not all of it.
Tony arched an eyebrow, sitting back in his chair, green eyes assessing Gibbs. "So, you want to tell me what those things have to do with one another or was this your way of trying to avoid answering my question until I just drop it?"
"Would you drop it?" Gibbs asked out of honest curiosity.
"Not bloody likely." Tony gave him a smile that reminded Gibbs of a dog bearing its teeth. "You broke into my home, Gibbs. I'll be getting some answers."
"Or what?" Gibbs challenged with a glare.
"Hey!!" Tony gave the table top an open handed slap that was forceful enough to make Gibbs sit back in surprise. "You've already taken over enough of my fucking life, you bastard, you do not get to just waltz into my home like you own it. So either tell me what I want to know, or I call the cops and get your ass arrested like I would any other criminal. You already got one free pass. You aren't getting another."
"Free pass?"
"I didn't shoot you." Tony growled. "And that's as forgiving as I'm prepared to be at the moment."
"So are you going to add that to the list of reasons for going to work for Paladin?" Gibbs snarled back, more pissed at himself for possibly screwing things up before he even had a chance to set it right than he was with Tony.
Tony looked startled. "You know about the job offer?"
"Yes, I know about the job offer."
"Abby told you?" Tony stared at him, expression skeptical and then betrayed. "I can't believe--"
"Abby didn't say anything," Gibbs stated, not wanting Tony to think badly of her or feel his trust had been misplaced. "But you should have told me."
"Why?" Tony leaned forward, both hands on the table. "It isn't any of your damn business."
"The hell it isn't." Gibbs stood up, pushing his chair back to get in Tony's face. Everything about Tony was his business, damn it. How could Tony not know that? After all the shit with 'the frog', how dare he keep something like this a secret?
"If I told you, what would you have done?" Tony's eyes sparkled with anger as he stood to face Gibbs. "Would you have told me to take just take it and shut up about it like you did with Abby?"
"No!" Gibbs snarled. He hadn't meant that. Abby knew it. Tony should too.
"That wouldn't be enough to get the point across, right!" Tony hissed, his voice laced with pain and rage. "Would have to be something better. Like...Good riddance. Don't let the door hit you in the ass."
"DiNozzo," Gibbs barked, wanting to stop this now before anything else was said, but was cut off by Tony poking him hard in the chest.
The younger man continued unabated, his tone uncharacteristically harsh and biting as he squared off with Gibbs. "Or maybe you'd have gone with...Never liked you much anyway, DiNozzo. About damn time you caught a clue and got the hell off my team. You've wasted space and time long enough. You were always a screw up. It should have been you on that rooftop, not Kate."
Gibbs flinched. Had he really made Tony believe that he would have preferred he'd been killed to Kate? God.
"Or maybe you would take the time to tell it was a mistake for us not to be on call that weekend Paula's team had been killed. Shame two good agents died in that explosion when you could have been rid of me."
"Jesus! Tony--No--"
"Hell, you might have even finally gotten the balls to just tell me to my face you and the team are better off without me always fucking up. That you don't trust me to do the damn job and you never have. That I'm not smart enough. Or good enough. Or even manage to carry my own weight. That you aren't surprised I couldn't cut it anywhere longer than two--"
Gibbs grabbed Tony by the shoulders, pulling him close, stopping the stream of hate filled, hurtful words with a bruising kiss. He expected Tony to push him away, maybe even belt him one. He wasn't prepared to have Tony's mouth open willingly under his, to have the younger man pull him closer and take control of the kiss.
Gibbs fought and lost the dual with Tony's tongue. He moaned as the younger man proceeded to map the inside of his mouth with a thoroughness that left Gibbs breathless. He fisted Tony's t-shirt with one hand trying to pull him closer, wanting to crawl inside him and never leave. The other hand slid lower, kneading the perfect ass he'd noticed earlier.
Tony suddenly broke the kiss, pushing Gibbs away forcefully as he stepped back. It left Gibbs reeling as he tried to adjust to the abrupt loss of contact. He instinctively reached out to pull Tony back only to have his hand smacked away.
"Tony--"
Tony raised a hand in a classic 'stop' motion. Green eyes closed and Gibbs watched as Tony took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Gibbs waited, knowing if he pushed too hard now, he'd lose.
"I don't understand."
"What don't you understand?" Gibbs asked, keeping his own tone low and even. He felt the same way he had trying to talk Lt. Arnett out of jumping off a building...there was just as much at stake here, maybe more.
Tony swallowed hard. He finally opened his eyes, awash with too many emotions for Gibbs to identify. "You kissed me."
Gibbs waited for more, but when nothing came he offered quietly, "And you kissed me back."
He fought down the delight he'd felt in Tony's passionate response to his kiss. He needed to focus; Tony was giving him a wary look. And if he'd learned anything from three failed marriages it was when to recognize the argument wasn't really finished.
"Why?"
"I had to stop you from saying any more of that shit, Tony." It was the first thing that came to mind---and from the look on Tony's face it was the wrong thing to say. It hurt to see the normally expressive eyes and face become shuttered, blank and unreadable.
"So it was just to shut me up?" The question was more of a statement. It was loaded with disappointed resignation.
"I didn't kiss you just to shut you up." Gibbs took a step forward only to stop when Tony backed away. "A slap would have worked if that was all I wanted to do."
"Then why kiss me?"
Gibbs opened his mouth and closed it, unsure of what to say. He'd been suppressing his interest in Tony, denying it for so long he couldn't bring himself to say out loud that he'd been thinking about kissing Tony practically since the day they'd met.
"You somehow found out I'm Bi and you thought I'd be willing to help satisfy your curiosity. That it?" Tony's gaze hardened, although his voice remained almost painfully neutral.
Gibbs shook his head in denial. Until Tony had kissed him back he hadn't even known he'd be interested in men. That whole thing with Voss...well, that was a little extreme, but still, it didn't exactly lend any credence to the belief Tony would be interested in guys.
"Did you just think I'd be up for experimenting with you? I'm such a hound dog anyway, right? I'd hump a table leg so clearly I wouldn't object to putting out for you?"
"No!" Gibbs glared at him, angry at Tony for even suggesting he'd be so arrogant as to use him that way. "I"ve been wanting to do kiss you for a long time."
"Really?" Tony arched an eyebrow, hope softening his features. "And you thought the middle of an argument was a good time to do it?"
"No one has ever accused me of good timing when it came to personal stuff." Gibbs shrugged ruefully.
Tony cocked his head to one side, clearly still distrustful of Gibbs' motives. "So this is personal?"
Gibbs frowned. "What else would it be?" He didn't make a regular habit of kissing strangers. Tony knew that.
"Sex is a valid interrogation technique." Tony stated, his tone implying he was quoting someone. Gibbs belatedly recognized it as something Ziva had said and he'd agreed with. "And it's good for more than just that, right Boss?"
Gibbs blinked. "Tony, what--"
"I'm supposed to believe you're into guys, when you've been married four times?" The question was rife with disbelief and biting sarcasm. "That you're into me when most days you act like can't stand me?" Tony shook his head. "It doesn't wash."
Tony continued speaking not giving Gibbs a chance to answer or explain. "What makes more sense is that you know about the car, the job offer, and I'd bet a month's salary you spoke with Pete. You wanted something that would make me stay." Tony's lips curled upward in a sneer. "Or at least, get me to stay long enough until you are sure McGee will do as my replacement and Ziva's not going to kill any more suspects in the elevator."
Tony lifted his chin. "The Director whored me out, and that kept me around for months. She got me to turn down a job in Spain and a team of my own. I'm sure you knew that. God knows you make it your business to know every other fucking thing."
Gibbs started to protest. "Tony--"
"You don't have an undercover case you can offer me. But that's not the only thing that would work to bring me to heel. Right?" Tony's smile was self-deprecating. "You're a smart guy...and you know me pretty well. It makes more sense you would figure since I'm into guys, if you pet me once in awhile...give me a little something to keep me quiet, I'll stay under the porch like a good dog should."
Tony's hands curled into tight fists. "A little side bonus would be my being dumb enough to sleep with my supervisor pretty much guarantees if I get mouthy, I get fired. Because you have been 'Agent of the Year' for ten years running. No way in hell would Shepard fire you for being gay. Win, win for you. You get your rocks off, a senior agent who will tow the line and be gone the second you decide to kick his ass to the curb. That how it is, Boss?"
"No!!" Gibbs glared at Tony. "Not just no, hell no!"
"Then you tell me how it is." Tony challenged. "You tell me why in the hell I should believe you wanted to kiss me for a long time? That anything between us is personal when nothing ever has been?"
"I do trust you. I always have." Gibbs declared hotly. He hadn't forgotten Tony's earlier rant, and he wasn't missing a chance to address what was said then. "You are my senior agent because you are damn good at the job. You are more than smart enough, and I'm not waiting around for someone better to come along, god damn it. There is no one better."
Gibbs stepped closer, almost stalking Tony as the younger man backed up. "I would never, ever, tell you I wished it had been you who died and not someone else. I'm sorry Kate's dead. I'm sorry about Paula and her people too. But I thank God it wasn't you Ari went after, and we weren't on call."
Gibbs softened his voice, no longer shouting. "I am not better off without you and neither is the team. You are irreplaceable. And I'm sorry I ever made you think I didn't mean that."
Gibbs pointed a finger at Tony, the gesture adding emphasis to his quiet words. "I keep you out of the loop some times because I don't want you to get hurt. I wave you back not because I don't trust you, or think you aren't capable back up. It's because I don't want you in harm's way. I don't want you getting hurt. You're not going to die on my watch. Not if I can help it."
Gibbs sighed, shaking his head. He'd wanted to keep Tony safe and sound. He'd forgotten that actions didn't have to draw blood to cause damage. Leaving for Mexico---he'd never realized how much that had to hurt the younger man. Or the way he'd come back had just added insult to injury.
"I never intended to leave for Mexico the way I did---but after what happened, I couldn't stay. I should have given you more than just 'you'll do", but I didn't have the words. Then, and by the time I did...it was too late. And coming back...I just wanted everything and everyone to be the same. So I tried to force it that way. It was stupid, selfish thing to do. And I'm sorry."
He tried to smile, surprised by how hard it was to do. "I'm not good with change."
"I'd noticed that," Tony interjected softly. The quiet humor in his voice made Gibbs grateful for the younger man's mercurial moods. He preferred Tony happy to him pissed. And he hoped the mood shift meant he was getting through to the younger man.
"With the job, I'm good with people…suspects, victims, kids…never a problem for me. But with people I really care about, when it really matters…” Gibbs struggled to find the right words, not wanting to sound like a cheap romance novel. “I suck at my personal life.”
That blunt declaration made Tony smile softly. Taking that as a positive sign, Gibbs stepped forward again, close enough to touch. He forced himself to keep his hands at his sides, not sure how Tony would react if he tried to embrace him.
“I added rule twelve because personal at the office for me has always gotten messy, and painful, and goes to shit fast. I didn't want that to happen to the team...to us."
Gibbs took a deep breath. "When I found out you had a job offer, I realized you had good reasons to take it." He looked away. "And most of those reasons are ones I gave you. So all my trying to keep it impersonal, to just be your bastard of a boss and nothing else, was causing the stuff I worked so hard to avoid."
He forced himself to make eye contact and hold it. "I took it for granted you'd stay at NCIS. I forgot that other people see the same skill, ability and potential I saw years ago. I do not want you to leave NCIS. Not because of me. And I don't want you to leave, because I'm not sure I can handle it if you do. That's why I'm here. It's why I was in your bed. I just needed to be close to you."
Tony raised a hand and gently caressed Gibbs' cheek with one knuckle. Gibbs closed his eyes leaning into that delicate touch.
"You are an idiot." Tony said, fond affection color his words.
"So I've been told." Gibbs half smiled.
"More than once, I'll bet."
Gibbs chuckled weakly. "Yeah, more than once."
"This clearing the air is hard work."
Gibbs nodded in agreement. "Would probably be easier if we hadn't waited so long to do it."
Tony let out a breath in a soft huff. "Ya think?"
Gibbs reached out to light cuff Tony, only to change the gesture into a gentle caress, fingers carding through his hair instead. "I really am sorry for--"
"I know." Tony leaned forward to rest his forehead against Gibbs'. "So now what?"
"Honestly...I have no idea."
Tony's laughter warmed him almost as much as the hug the younger man enveloped him in. For the first time since the day Tony had left, Gibbs felt like things might just be okay.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs and Tony finally clear the air.