Tony had intended to delay thinking about Pete's offer until he put in for time off. But he couldn't stop weighing the pros and cons, trying to come to some sort of decision. His thoughts kept moving in circles, making it nearly impossible to sleep.
He'd given up on the idea of sleeping around four in the morning, opting to just get up and go running. Tony wondered what it said about him that he was getting used to living and functioning well on so little sleep. He wasn't sure he could even remember the last time he'd gotten a full eight hours.
Tony smirked remembering something Pete had said once. "No one ever has to get used to a good thing, Tony. You don't have to learn to like ice cream. The stuff you get used to or learn to live with is usually the crap you don't want but can't avoid."
Armed with a large cup of hazelnut coffee sweetened with four packets of sugar, Tony headed for the office. He wouldn't actually be in any earlier than he typically arrived at the office. Not that McGee or Ziva knew that because Tony made a point of not being at his desk, or strolling out of the elevator until the appointed start of the day.
He figured Gibbs knew, but then Gibbs had known about Tony's late nights at the office too. Not that the former Marine ever said anything. Tony snorted to himself. Gibbs wouldn't care how many hours Tony put in or how little sleep he got, as long as it got the job done and didn't affect his performance.
That was telling in and of itself, even if Tony didn't like what it was saying. He was never going to matter to Gibbs even half as much as the damn job. At least Pete hadn't put the job over his well being. She wanted him to want to work for her, and cared enough to give him time to think it over.
Marisol, a file clerk who was old enough to be Tony's mother had taken a liking to him, and was more than happy to let him use space in the records room when he came in early. Not long after he'd started at NCIS, Tony had been assigned most of the mandatory paperwork that Gibbs never seemed to see as important. Unless it was done the team wouldn't have a stocked van and Abby;s lab wouldn't be fully equipped, nor would they get their performance reviews or their annual security clearance renewals. Tony had never passed on the responsibility, although, by all rights it should have fallen to McGee when he joined the team full time or when Tony had become team leader.
Tony wondered if Marisol would take time out to train McGee on the proper forms the way she had for him. She probably would, if McGee was smart enough to ask for help. And she definitely would if he had enough sense to realize she loved flowers. Tony had a fresh bouquet sent to her every Monday.
She didn't care what kind of flowers as long as they were fresh and arranged well. Tony was grateful he didn't have to shell out for a dozen roses every week. It also didn't hurt that the florist Tony ordered from considered providing something original and relatively inexpensive, on a weekly basis, as a welcomed challenge from his usual customers.
Tony settled in at the small desk with its outdated monitor. The computer worked well enough for what he needed it to do. And he knew Marisol had repeatedly asked for a new monitor only to be turned down. Evidently the higher ups didn't see the need for her to have it. McGee might be able to an upgrade for her if Tony left NCIS. That would definitely win him points with her.
He sipped his coffee waiting for the printer to produce in triplicate all the necessary paperwork. Tony had everything that needed to be done through to the end of the month. That should be more than enough lead time to include his week of leave and two weeks notice--if he gave it.
Tony checked the clock. It had only taken an hour to get all the forms completed. When he'd started it had taken him three times that long just to get half of what needed to be done. It didn't hurt that he knew exactly what he needed now. Or that had everything saved and simply had to update the forms. He grinned to himself. He'd destroy those files when he left. McGee seemed to think there was nothing he couldn't do better than Tony when it came to computers. Might be a golden opportunity for him to prove it. Besides, it wasn't like Gibbs had given Tony any help; no reason for Tony to make McGee's life easier than his had been.
Tony finished his coffee, gathering up the forms. He left one copy in Marisol's inbox, leaving three Hershey kisses on top. It would let her know he'd already been in and out this morning, and it never hurt to say "thank you". Small tokens of appreciation went a long way.
Tony put the second copy of the forms into an inner office mail envelope sending them off to Gibbs for his signature. He could drop them off on Gibbs desk, but he found the former Marine was less likely to ignore them if they came to him this way. The third copy Tony kept for himself. If Gibbs let things lapse too long or lost the forms, Tony wouldn't have to waste time printing new copies. Back when Morrow was Director, Tony used to just send him the forms without Gibbs' signature. Shepard was more of a stickler when it came to following proper protocol at least when it came to the rest of the agency. The "La Grenouille" case clearly showed she had no issue with excluding herself from those restrictions.
Tony checked the clock again. By now Gibbs should have arrived and dropped off Abby's morning Caf-Pow. That should give Tony at least half an hour to talk to her without having to worry about being interrupted.
After wrestling with a growing list of pro's for taking Pete;s job offer, he was hoping Abby could balance the scale. Maybe she could give him a good reason to stay to counter all the reasons he had for leaving. He thought that if she could keep her own numerous job offers quiet, she should be able to stay mum about his until he was ready for everyone else to know. And she was a friend, he felt obligated to tell her he was seriously considering leaving NCIS. It would hurt her a lot if he didn't say something, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
Tony took the stairs down to Abby's lab. It was faster than taking the elevator and gave him a better chance of avoiding running into anyone. It also gave him a chance to work off some lingering nervous energy.
He hesitated on the landing, holding his breath as he listened for any signs of life on the other side of the door. He grinned as he clearly heard the heavy beat of Abby's music. Even if he hadn't been able to hear it, as he pushed open the heavy fire door, he could feel the pulse of it vibrating through the metal under his hand.
The volume of her music was proof Abby was alone. Conversation with anyone would be impossible with all that noise. Tony shook his head. He had a similar passion for music, even if he never understood her particular taste. And while he greatly appreciated the IPOD she'd gotten him, and everyone else on the team, he couldn't figure out why she hadn't gotten one for herself for use at the office.
He checked the hallway, just in case. He didn't want to run into Gibbs on his way out or on his way in if the former Marine was running late. The hallway was empty. Tony breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't really afraid of meeting Gibbs; he just didn't want to have his chance to talk to Abby delayed, afraid he'd lose his nerve if he didn't do it now.
He stepped into her lab, wincing as the music hit him full force. Tony couldn't quite figure out how Abby managed not to be deaf. Although, maybe since she already knew sign language she wasn't overly concerned with losing her hearing.
He stepped over to the stereo and turned the music off. Abby spun around. "Gibbs, I thought--" She stopped abruptly, smiling. "Oh, hi, Tony."
"Hey, Abby."
"What brings you to my home away from home so early?" She took a long pull through the red straw in her Caf-Pow.
"I was hoping to talk to you." Tony tried not to fidget. He took a deep breath. "If you've got time that is. I could always come back if you're busy."
"Pull up a stool." Abby grinned brightly, pointing to the seat closest to him, putting her drink down on the countertop. "I'm just waiting on the mass spec to do its thing." She sat down on a stool, spinning it around twice. "So, what's up, Tony Boy?"
Tony ignored the offer to take a seat, opting to lean on the counter, arms folded across his chest. "When you went to dinner with that head hunter--"
"I already told you guys I wasn't considering taking the job." Abby threw up her hands. "Sheesh. It was just dinner. I never seriously considered leaving. Besides, it's not like he was offering anything nearly as nice as the rumors flying around said he did." She rolled her eyes. "I mean, I'm worth that, but it wasn't something that was ever really on the table."
"What if it had been?"
She blinked, staring at him in obvious confusion. "I don't underst--"
"What if he was offering you that salary, the company car, the lab with all that stuff?"
"Oh Tony." She hopped off her stool to envelope him in a breath stealing hug. "I love you guys. I'm not going anywhere."
Tony hugged her back, enjoying the warmth and friendship she so freely offered. He placed a kiss in her hair. "Not worried about you leaving," he murmured.
Abby pulled back to look up at him. "Good. Because I'm not going anywhere."
Tony bit his lip. "But I might."
"What?" Abby gripped his arms.
He cleared his throat. "I got a job offer."
"The Director finally offered you a team of your own, didn't she?" Abby's eyes widened. "I always thought she would eventually. You did a good job while Gibbs was out. Not that I told you that then. And I should have. You were great. It only makes sense Jenny would finally see you are capable--"
"Abby--"
"of having a team of your own permanently. I just hoped she'd hold off for awhile longer. Which is totally selfish of me. I mean, you're my friend, I only--"
"Abby--"
"wanted to keep you around for as long as possible. I am really, really happy for you. Please don't think I'm not. You deserve---"
Tony placed his fingers against her lips to stop the steady flow of words. "Shepard offered me my own team months ago, Abby. I turned it down."
She reached up and pulled his hand away. "She did?"
"She did." Tony nodded.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She punched him in the shoulder.
He arched an eyebrow. "Like you told me about all your job offers?"
"Okay, you got a point." Abby frowned. "I could have mentioned that. I just didn't see any reason to bring them up since I wasn't going to take them."
"Yeah, well, I turned down the Director, so it was moot. No reason to mention it to you either.:
"Why did you turn it down?" She cocked her head to one side, expression quizzical. "I thought you wanted your own team."
"I thought I did too." Tony sighed, shaking his head. "Why I turned her down doesn't matter now, Abby."
He didn't really want to get into what he'd been thinking at the time. It was an opportunity he didn't regret passing on, but in light of everything that happened since...he couldn't honestly say he was certain he'd made the right choice.
:This job offer isn't from the Director." Tony licked his lips nervously. Abby wasn't going to like the next bit. "If I take it, I'd be leaving NCIS."
"You'd go to work for the FBI?" Abby gave him an outraged look, poking him hard in the chest with one finger.
Tony stepped back, putting himself safely out of arms reach. "Abby what are you--"
"It's Fornell, isn't it?" She advanced on him. "He offered you a job. He's always telling Gibbs how lucky he was to find you before he could. That man--"
"Fornell didn't offer me a job, Abby.: Tony laughed. He couldn't believe she'd even thought he would. Or that Fornell would even consider him a good find. The man didn't like him any more than he did Gibbs...probably less when it came right down to it.
"He didn't?"
"No." Tony shook his head. "As far as I know the man hates me. And Sacks is still on Fornell's team. The guy tried to have me jailed for life, so working with him would be more than just a little awkward."
"True." She made several meaningless gestures with her hands as though trying to pluck words from the air. "You won;t make as much money if you go back to being a cop.:
"Never really thought about going back to being a cop," Tony told her softly. "There really isn't another law enforcement agency that could hold a candle to you guys."
"Then what--"
"Private security company." Tony told her. "Paladin, Inc."
She stared at him in shock, her mouth gaping. "I've heard of them."
Tony figured she might be familiar with them. Paladin wasn't a large, but they had a solid reputation. And after what happened with Blackwater in Iraq, they were one of the few private companies still working in that country for the Department of Defense. Pete told him they had actually taken over several of Blackwater's assignments.
"You told them you;d think about it, didn't you?"
"I did." Tony admitted, surprising himself with how calm he felt about that admission.
Abby's blue eyes were suddenly shinier than they'd been a moment ago. "You really are seriously thinking about taking that job."
"I am."
"Why?" Her question was almost plaintive.
Tony elected to give her an obvious reason. It was easier than trying to explain how much it hurt to spend every day with Gibbs knowing he wasn't going to ever mean as much to him as Gibbs meant to Tony. "Because it's a damn good offer. And it might be the best I'll ever get. I don't want to just dismiss it."
"Is it because of Jeanne, isn't it?" Abby patted his chest, over his heart. "She broke you."
"No. She didn't break my heart, Abby." It was broken long before Jeanne had a chance to do it; he just hadn't realized it. "And it's not because of her."
Abby looked skeptical. "Does any one else know?"
"No." Tony shook his head. "I don't want to say anything until I've made up my mind."
"Afraid they might try to talk you out of it?" Her chin rose in challenge.
Tony smiled sadly. "You sure they'd even try?" He couldn't see Ziva or McGee putting up much effort to convince him to stay.
"Tony! How could you even say that? They wouldn't want you to leave any more than I do. We are family."
"Gibbs told you to take the job." Tony quietly cut her off. The former Marine hadn't even hesitated when he said it either. And Tony knew Abby had a special place in Gibbs' heart. A place, Tony knew he'd never get a piece of no matter how much he might want it.
"He didn't mean it. He sent me flowers later as an apology," Abby countered confidently.
"And that's a hell of a lot more than I've ever gotten from him Abby." Tony tried not to sound hurt and disappointed, but knew he failed. He couldn't see Gibbs worrying much over whether or not Tony felt appreciated.
"I don't mind the head slaps. Mostly because I know those are needed, but not all the time. Would it kill him to just once show a little appreciation for the shit I do right??"
"He does."
"No, he doesn't." Tony shook his head. "Five years, Abby, and I wouldn't even use all my fingers to count the number of times he's said "good job, DiNozzo"."
"He gave you his badge and gun." She pointed out.
"Yeah...when he couldn't even remember my name." Tony almost snarled. "A ringing endorsement if there ever was one."
"He knew your name," Abby protested hotly.
Tony shook his head. Gibbs was still winging it then, of that Tony was sure. And it hurt like hell to know he was so easily forgotten. Clearly he wasn't as important to the older man as he'd like to be.
"Even if he did know my name, Abby, he took back his badge, his gun and his team a few months later. He never intended for me to be more than just a place holder, a stand in until he came back."
"That's not true. He said he wasn't coming back."
"And did anyone really believe that?" Tony snorted. "Shepard didn't even bother to file the retirement paperwork. McGee could barely bring himself to call me boss. Ziva sure as hell didn't think I was in charge. And you kept his picture on your computer monitors like a shrine."
Abby flushed. "I missed him."
"I did too." Tony admitted. "And it wasn't that I didn't want him to come back, Abby. I did. I just wanted--hell, I just wanted my team to put as much faith in me as they did in him."
"We did."
"You might have." Tony was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Their friendship demanded that much. "But the others--not really."
"The first time Ziva got into trouble, it was Gibbs she called. Not me. And he came running." His lips curled upward in a bitter smile. "Find myself wondering if he’d have done that for me."
"Don't be silly. Of course, he would have. He has several times."
Tony chose not to respond. His silence spoke eloquently of his doubts on the subject. Abby reached out and cupped his face, forcing eye contact. "Tony, he would come if you called."
"About a case, absolutely." Tony knew that. He always trusted Gibbs to have his back when it was case related. He'd never asked the Marine to step in for him on something personal, and he doubted the man would be willing to go out on a limb for him. It wasn't like Gibbs cut him any slack when a paperwork snafu had mistakenly declared Tony dead, voiding all his clearances. Or when his car was stolen and then destroyed. Or when Ziva invited everyone to dinner but Tony. Or when Paula died. Or over his relationship with Jeanne.
"No, Tony, not just about a case. He'd come if you called for any reason."
"If you say so, Abby." Tony sighed, looking away, not wanting to fight with her. "It doesn't matter."
She frowned. "Yes, it does."
Tony smiled wanly. He wasn't going to put her faith to the test if he could help it. In this situation, he'd rather suspect than be proven right. Somehow it hurt less that way.
"You should trust him."
"Why?" Tony grimaced. "He doesn't trust me any more."
If he ever did, Tony thought, but didn't say aloud. It wasn't like Gibbs trusted him to act as back up with Ari. No, that was Shepard and Ziva. So maybe this latest lack of faith wasn't really as new as Tony thought. Maybe he was only just wising up to it.
"You think he doesn't trust you because of the frog thing, don't you?" Abby blinked. "He knows you were following orders. He's not going to hold that against you."
"I wouldn't be too sure of that, Abby." Tony shook his head. Gibbs'
expression said it all in the men's room when Gibbs found out about La Grenouille the first time. He wouldn't have lied to Franks. It was an unforgivable sin to Gibbs…or at least it seemed that way.
"Well I am." Abby stamped her foot, her heavy boots echoing loudly in the otherwise silent lab. "He trusts you."
"I think we'll have to agree to disagree." Tony shrugged one shoulder. "Even if he does trust me...it's not as if I'm needed here any more."
"Did you hit your head this morning?" Abby glared at him. "It was your idea to check out the wife on the last case. No one else thought it was her. And she turned out to be a killer, Tony."
"And as McGee pointed out, it was you who did all the work running her DNA through known felons, before expanding the search to Interpol." Tony shook his head. "I don't get to take credit for that."
"Computers trump good old fashioned police work, Abby." Tony laughed without any real humor. "No one around here has ever accused me of being the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but even I know that much."
"Technology, for as much as I love it, is not fool proof, Tony. We still need insight and good instincts."
"You got that with Gibbs." Tony took a deep breath. "And with you and McGee there's plenty of brain power to figure out any puzzle that comes up. Besides, McGee's a good agent; he's earned a shot as being senior the same way I earned a shot at being team leader. And Ziva's no novice as an investigator any more. She's sharp, capable, and she's certainly lethal enough in any situation to be good back up. Ducky and Palmer round everything out by providing their expertise in autopsy."
Tony made eye contact with her. "Face it, Abby, I'm just taking up valuable space."
"That's just bullshit and you know it." Abby glared at him, wiping angrily at a tear that slipped free. "And why the hell did you even come in here if you already made up your mind?"
"Because I haven't." Tony pulled her into a tight hug. "And I was hoping you could help me find a good reason to stay,"
"We're family." Abby said, clinging to him.
"I know."
"And that's not enough for you?"
"It's the reason I've stayed this long." Tony rubbed his cheek in her hair. "But it's not enough for me to stay forever."
"Are they going to pay you a lot?"
"Triple my salary."
Abby sighed heavily. "Benefits? Perks?"
"I'll know about that more later today when I get the specs in writing."
"I don't have to give Paladin my answer for at least a week." Tony pulled back from their hug. "I'm going to take some time off. Do some thinking." He mustered a smile for her. "Maybe work in some rest and relaxation while I'm at it."
"Good." Abby nodded decisively. "You look tired. You shouldn't be making big decisions when you're tired. It's too easy to make the wrong choice. And you shouldn't rush into this."
"I know." Her words were a nice echo of Pete's from last night. "I'm not going to be hasty, Abby."
"What are you going to tell Gibbs when he asks why you want the time off?" Abby bit her lower lip nervously. "He won't--"
"I'm not going to ask him. The Director will approve my request for a week." Tony's eyes hardened. "She owes me." Having him work an unsanctioned covert op definitely put her in his debt, not to mention costing him his car. And unlike Gibbs, she knew the time he had on the books was his to take. He'd earned it.
"Bossman won't like that."
"He'd like my quitting because he refused my request a lot less."
Abby pursed her lips. "True."
"I need you to promise you won't tell any one else. Please."
Abby's lips tightened and for a moment Tony thought she was going to refuse. "On one condition."
"And that is?"
"I will stop by your place tonight with a long list of why you should stay. You have to take it with you and consider everything I put on it. And you have to give me a chance to refute all the reasons you think leaving is a good idea."
Tony smiled. "I can live with that." It was what he'd hoped for when he'd walked in. He held out his hand, and Abby shook it.
"Thanks, Abby."
"For what?"
"For being my friend. It means a lot to me."
She blushed, making a shooing motion. "Get out of here before someone notices you're missing."
Tony tossed off a careless salute. "Yes, Ma'am."
He headed for the elevators and up to the bull pen. He didn't see the silent figure standing in the shadows holding a box of Abby's favorite donut holes. He also didn't see the look on Gibbs face as he considered everything he'd overheard.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony talks to Abby