Gibbs tried not to feel guilty about picking the lock on Tony's front door. He'd had a key at one time--before he'd gone to Mexico. He'd kept it in the top drawer of his desk on a ring that held keys to every other team members house. When he'd pulled the ring out of the drawer as the work day was ending he'd been surprised to find he still had a key to Stan Burley's old apartment, one for Vivian Blackadder, and there was even one for Caitlyn Todd. But what really surprised him was the absence of Tony's key.
Gibbs had frowned, checking the ring again. McGee's, Ziva's, Abby's, Ducky's were all still there, each marked with a bit of masking tape and their initials. He'd pulled the drawer all the way out to search, hoping the key he sought had simply slipped free. He'd actually dumped the drawer on the top of his desk, desperately searching for what he knew he wasn't going to find.
Tony had probably taken it back when he'd taken over the team. Gibbs had growled, angry at himself for not noticing its absence sooner. Someone else likely had it now. It would have made sense for Tony to have made sure someone at work had access to his place in case of an emergency. He could have given the key to McGee or Ziva, but Gibbs seriously doubted Tony would do that. It was far more likely he'd have given it to Shepard. She was his boss when Gibbs was away, and the only one who was in the loop on his undercover assignment. It made her the logical choice.
Gibbs had been sorely tempted to go to her office and demand its return. But his better sense prevailed. She'd want to know why he wanted it. And there was no way in hell Gibbs was going to admit he was jealous of her having it in her possession, that she had been granted tacit permission to access Tony's home; permission Gibbs was now denied. Nor was he prepared to tell her why he wanted the key now. Hell would freeze over before he would openly admit he missed Tony and wanted to spend some time surrounded by the younger man's presence.
Gibbs had expected Tony to call or e-mail a day or two after he left. The younger man had always, without fail, stayed in touch. But then he'd never actually been gone so long before. A long weekend wasn't the same as taking nearly two weeks.
Gibbs shook his head. The longest time they'd been out of touch had been four months--and Gibbs had assumed that was simply due to the fact that Tony hadn't known how to contact him in Mexico. A stupid assumption when he realized if Abby and Shepard knew how to contact him, Tony could have found out easily enough. Ziva certainly had.
Now he was wondering if the reason for those four months of silence was because Tony hadn't wanted to talk to him. Given his abrupt departure--and in hindsight Gibbs admitted to himself that should have been handled better---he'd left Tony to deal with holding the team together. And that couldn't have been easy---especially not with everyone expecting him to act like Gibbs, McGee still fairly green, Ziva not entirely integrated into the team and more prone to acting as a trained killer rather than an investigator, Abby's blatant displays of grief and loss, Shepard recruiting him to work undercover. Hell the only real support Tony could have counted on was from Ducky. The ME had never said, but Gibbs suspected that might be another reason the older man had been so pissed with him when he returned.
Gibbs sighed heavily. Tony had every reason to resent him for leaving. And he had even more reason to resent him for coming back.
The resentment...or perhaps more accurately hurt, anger and disappointment if what he'd heard Tony say to Abby was anything to go by, was clearly at least part of the reason Tony was giving the job offer he'd gotten serious consideration. And it was also likely responsible for Tony's lack of communication now.
Gibbs cursed himself for being so stupid as to assume Tony would stay in touch because he always had before. Gibbs could be the one to call. He knew that. And he'd looked at his phone at least a dozen times a day since Tony left debating whether or not to hit one on his speed dial.
His pride stopped him at first. He shouldn't be the one to call. He never had before. Tony should know enough to stay in touch. It took working a case without Tony for Gibbs to admit to himself that calling Tony wouldn't be a sign of weakness. And he knew he was being unfair to expect Tony to always be the one to make the effort. Unbending a little and making the first move wouldn't kill him, but by then embarrassment made calling impossible.
It had been a week. Gibbs had no idea what he would say if Tony actually answered. What reason would he give for calling? That McGee couldn't figure out forms Tony did routinely and Ziva wasn't nearly as good at thinking laterally as Tony was when it came to making connections on a case? Hell, Tony probably already knew that. And Gibbs couldn't really tell him he was calling because he just wanted to hear Tony's voice. That he needed to know Tony was okay, to know where the hell he was and how soon he'd be coming back to where he belonged.
Gibbs unhooked his phone from his belt, giving it a hard look. Just this morning he had McGee give it a once over just to make sure it was still working properly. Fortunately he messed up technological things often enough McGee hadn't even questioned why Gibbs would want his phone examined. Gibbs shook his head. It was too much to hope for Tony might have called in the brief span of time since Gibbs had looked last. Although, Tony was staying in touch...just not with him.
Gibbs did his best not to feel jealous of Abby. It wasn't her fault Tony chose to call her and not him. Nor was it surprising that Tony would send her a souvenir from his travels. He usually got her little gifts any time he went anywhere. Gibbs winced remember the only time Tony had brought him something from a long weekend get away. He'd thrown it away without so much as a second glance. It was hardly any wonder Tony never repeated the gesture.
It was somewhat amazing...and very humbling, that he still made a habit of sending Gibbs a bottle of bourbon for Christmas every year. It shamed Gibbs to think he'd never bothered to return the favor and get Tony anything in return. It wasn't like he didn't give other members of his team things. He never forgot Abby's birthday, but giving her something and giving Tony something were totally different in his mind. He had paternal feelings for Abby. His feelings for Tony were somewhat harder to classify---mostly because Gibbs spent a lot of time trying not to look at them too closely. Tony's leaving, and the fear that he might not come back, forced Gibbs to take a hard look at things he'd just as soon keep ignoring. It was why he'd finally given in and decided to stop by Tony's apartment. He could no longer ignore the need to be around things that just screamed 'Tony'.
For all the hours Tony put in on the job, and all the personalized items on his desk, the office felt empty of his presence. Without the good humored bantering among the team and the movie references, the lack of take out ordered and candy wrappers balled up to be tossed carelessly into the garbage can, the dearth of Tony's quick intellect and even quicker smile made the office just felt empty, cold and lifeless. It hurt to walk in the office and have that void slap Gibbs in the face every day.
He didn't know of the others missed Tony or not. They'd been conspicuously silent on the issue and he was leery of bringing it up, afraid they might read too much into it; that they might read enough.
Gibbs shook of his thoughts, opening the door, stepping inside Tony's apartment. He pursed his lips as the one thought persisted; the print of Death Valley now hanging in a prominent position in Abby's lab. She'd been thrilled when it arrived, bouncing excitedly, telling everyone who cared to listen how cool it was. Gibbs had to admit...it was a good gift for her. It was definitely her style and the subject matter all but screamed Abby.
Going west wasn't something Gibbs had thought Tony would do. He thought the younger man would head for familiar stopping grounds, like Panama City, not take off for new territory. It was unnerving to find out he didn't know Tony as well as he thought he did. It was even more disturbing to realize he had no idea where to really look for Tony. All he could say for sure was Tony had been in Death Valley National Park a few days ago.
Gibbs glanced around the entryway. The darkness was broken by light from street lamps leaking around half closed window shades and the air had that faint stale scent that inevitably appeared when a space was closed off and undisturbed for several days. Underneath that Gibbs could smell a faint trace of Tony's cologne. He breathed deeply, seeking more of the familiar, comforting fragrance. He huffed out a breath, disappointed to find no more.
He stepped over to the small table in the foyer. A large, pedestal marble bowl sat neatly centered on top. Lying inside the bowl, in a haphazard pile, were several envelopes. Gibbs sorted through them, squinting to read the address labels in the low light. They were bills. It was too much to hope for that Tony would have left Paladin's job offer where Gibbs would find it easily. He didn't hold out much hope of finding it--not that he was seriously looking for it. The offer was the sort of thing Tony would no doubt have taken with him so he could refer to it as he considered his decision.
Gibbs scowled. There shouldn't even be a decision to make. But there was---and he couldn't bring himself to ask Abby directly how much headway she was making in arguing reasons to stay with Tony. He was afraid to find out she might be losing.
Gibbs moved further into the apartment. He turned on a table lamp in the living room. He blinked, surprised to note so many changes in the room since his last visit. He frowned as he mentally tallied how long it had been. He double checked his math stunned to realize it had been a good two years since he'd been in Tony's place. The last time he'd been here, Gibbs had brought Tony home from Bethesda after the plague.
The dark brown couch hadn't been in the living room the last time. Gibbs had to admit it went better with the cream colored leather chairs than the old, nearly worn out thing Tony used to have. He vaguely remembered Tony making some reference to that beat up couch as having been some sort of hand me down from his days in a frat house at Ohio State. He said he kept it because it was comfortable.
The comfort factor was something Gibbs could attest to personally. He'd slept on it that first night Tony was out of the hospital. He couldn't remember ever sleeping better, although, in hindsight Gibbs wasn't sure if it was the couch or just relief that Tony was going to live and was getting better.
He wondered when Tony got rid of it and why before mentally slapping himself. It didn't matter; any more than it mattered when he'd gotten a larger plasma screen TV. Or bought the bigger shelving unit for his DVD's. Or that Gibbs even noticed all these things. He hadn't even been aware of how many of Tony's things he'd made note of that had stuck with him.
The coffee table was suspiciously barren. Gibbs glared at it. There should be men's magazines scattered across it, a pizza box not yet tossed out with the garbage and a nearly empty bottle of some trendy sports drink. Being clean meant Tony hadn't just walked out with the intent of returning any moment. It wasn't like Gibbs hadn't known that...he just hated seeing the proof.
Give the room another look, Gibbs sighed, tension in his shoulders unknotting. He felt better being in Tony's place. Even with the changes, it was still clearly the younger man's apartment. Things were arranged to suit him and reflected his tastes. That was something that couldn't be had at the office.
Gibbs headed down the hall into the kitchen. A quick glance in the fridge was more evidence Tony planned to be gone awhile. It was practically barren. All Gibbs saw was a six pack of beer short one bottle, a bag of bagels, a container of cream cheese, two apples and a half empty bottle of ketchup. The take out cartons Gibbs knew frequently inhabited the space were gone. So was the garbage.
Gibbs walked into the bathroom, flipping on the overhead light. He wasn't sure what he was even looking for, he just kept searching. The bathroom was surprisingly clean. No mold or mildew, no towels on the floor, no soap scum coating the glass shower door. It even smelled of recently used lemon cleaner which confused Gibbs until he remembered Tony had a cleaning lady. Whoever it was came by once or twice a week and had probably stopped by for the scent to linger.
He left the light on, stepping into Tony's bedroom. The dresser, end tables and king size bed were the same ones he'd had before, but the slate blue, heavy down comforter was new. Gibbs remembered Tony telling Abby he felt the cold more since contracting the plague. Gibbs had noticed the younger man wearing layers more often than he used to.
Gibbs slid open the doors to the closet. Tony's wardrobe was decidedly well organized. Gibbs fingered the expensive fabrics of the suit coats, sharp eyes cataloging those he remembered Tony wearing to the office. Most were familiar, worn enough times to be recognizable...except for the black one. That one Gibbs had seen only once. Tony had worn it to Kate's funeral.
Gibbs took a deep breath, catching a faint whiff Tony's cologne again. He had no idea what brand the younger man even wore and curiosity had him heading back into the bathroom. Opening the medicine chest he found the shaving cream, an unopened toothbrush, a bottle of Ibuprofen, several hair styling products but no aftershave or cologne.
Gibbs closed the cabinet, grimacing at the reflection staring back at him. He looked tired, worn down. Not that anyone else noticed. He made sure they didn't. He couldn't have Ziva or McGee thinking he wasn't up to par. Or that Tony's absence made that big a difference.
Tony would have noticed. It was the kind of thing he always saw and had balls enough to comment on if he thought it was necessary. Neither McGee nor Ziva would risk getting in Gibbs' face.
Gibbs turned off the light in the bathroom, plunging the space once more into darkness. He found himself walking back into Tony's bedroom rather than heading for the door. He sat on the bed, running a hand tiredly over his face and through his hair.
He unconsciously grabbed one of Tony's pillows, wrapping his arms around it and hugging it to his chest, seeking whatever comfort it might offer. He sighed deeply when the fragrance he only got tantalizing hints of came to him strongly from Tony's pillow, almost as if the younger man were right there with him.
Gibbs lay down, curling around the tightly held pillow. He hadn't slept much since Tony's departure. Most of his free time had been spent in his basement, working on yet another boat. The comfortable give of Tony's bed as it cradled him made Gibbs groan. He knew he should get up and go home, but right at the moment he didn't want to. For the first time in a week he could finally relax.
Gibbs shifted, toeing out of his shoes and kicking them on to the floor. He settled in with another sigh, kinks and stiffness fading as he snuggled into the incredibly soft down comforter. No one knew he was here, and he would be gone in the morning.
He yawned widely, promising himself he'd talk to Abby. He had to know if she was making any progress on convincing Tony to stay, find out what her tactics had been, see if there was another angle to play. And maybe--- maybe it was time to actually pay a visit to Paladin Inc. It was time to find out just what he was up against. Burying his head in the sand and trying to pretend everything would fine simply wasn't an option any longer.
But right now, Gibbs needed to simply enjoying being immersed in Tony's scent, in his things, in a space where he'd made an indelible and undeniable mark. Gibbs couldn't face another night with nothing but his boat for company. He couldn't face the thought of another day in the office without some reminder of Tony. Tomorrow...tomorrow he'd get his shit together and be proactive.
There had to be a way to make things right. He was a Marine damn it. He wasn't giving up without a fight.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs pays a visit to Tony's place.