Title: Being There
Author: mrsdinozzo
Rating: frm
Pairing: DiNozzo/Gibbs
Ep spoilers: SWAK
Summary: 3 days after Tony’s discharge from Bethesda " and reality hits home.
11pm. Gibbs pulled up outside Tony’s apartment block, killing the engine and staring unseeing out of the windscreen for a few moments.
It had been a tough time on all of them. And as he thought back over the previous few days he was still in awe of how the team had pulled together despite the near fatal circumstances and coming so worryingly close losing one of their number to " what he had believed to be a long forgotten disease " y pestis. Not that the team didn’t pull together " they were dependable, unwavering in searching every avenue for answers " but this whole scenario had been different " more personal to each and every one of them. But for Gibbs " the myriad scenarios in his own mind were playing out and coming up with the same unthinkable conclusion. Life without Tony.
Life without Tony. He swiped a hand over his face, lowering it to find he could not quite focus on the streetlights " only to realise his eyes were moist from unshed tears " tears he would only allow to fall in private " if at all. He pulled in a deep calming breath and tugged the keys from the ignition, opening the door and stepping out into the cool night air. Pacing round to the back of the car, he opened the trunk and lifted out two heavy bags of groceries, placing one on the floor beside him as he slammed the lid back down and locked it.
“Life without Tony,” he breathed as he glanced up towards the main windows of Tony’s apartment. “And you’ll quit thinking like this, Gibbs,” he hissed to himself as he collected up the groceries. “He’s alive, he’s okay and god help him if he ever pulls a stunt like that again!”
*****
The apartment was in darkness. But Gibbs had stayed there often enough to know his way around blindfold and he made short work of making his way towards the kitchen, dumping the groceries on the work surface and then shrugging off his coat, draping it over a nearby chair.
He set a pot of coffee to go and headed towards the bedroom " thinking Tony had probably decided to call it a day and get some well earned rest. Easing open the door, Gibbs peered round " waiting a few seconds until his eyes adjusted to the moonlight slipping in through the large windows and he frowned. The bed was made with no sign of Tony even having been there. He pulled the door to and paced back towards the kitchen " the air already heavy with the aroma of fresh coffee and as he passed through the living room he heard something.
Flipping on the light, he blinked rapidly and then sighed, a soft smile ghosting over his lips.
“Hey,” he whispered. “What you doing sitting in the dark?”
Tony sat on the floor, his back resting against the sofa with his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them, staring at the far wall " his face shining with tears.
“Tony?” Gibbs felt like he’d been kicked in the gut " he’d never seen such a look on Tony’s face before " such heartfelt, mournful sadness " those beautiful green eyes shimmering as the tears continued to fall. He settled himself beside his young lover with an arm around his shoulders " and smiling briefly as Tony snuggled close, resting his head on Gibbs’s shoulder, snuffling softly. “What is it? What’s wrong babe?”
“Nothing.” Tony lied, his voice barely a whisper and Gibbs was surprised to find the younger man was shivering.
“Nothing?” Gibbs echoed. “Sitting here in the dark, alone and you call that nothing?”
“It’s my apartment, Jethro " I can do what I like!” Tony suddenly sat up, wiping his face dry on his hands and then drying his hands on his t-shirt. “You’re late.” He got to his feet, shoving both hands through his hair before walking away leaving a gaping Gibbs staring after him.
Gibbs found him in the bathroom, rinsing his face. “Tony,” he said quietly. “Talk to me " please.”
“Nothing to talk about, Gibbs.” Tony pushed past him " almost roughly towards the bedroom and closed the door.
“Nothing he says,” Gibbs whispered to himself. “So why’s my BS monitor shot off the scale.” He thought for a moment and then nodded.
Back in the kitchen, he poured himself a large mug of coffee and downed half the contents before placing the mug beside the pot. He tugged open an overhead cupboard and lifted out a paper bag. Inside the bag " a collection of four different types of drug " all designed to aid Tony’s recovery and he had a feeling Tony may well have missed his last dose which should have been taken a half hour ago. He tipped out the required tablets " poured another mug of coffee and headed towards the bedroom.
He said nothing " he just held out his hand with the tablets nestled in his palm and placed the coffee on the side table. When Tony didn’t react, he put the tablets beside the mug and sighed.
Tony was curled up on his side, his back to the door, staring into space as Gibbs sat down beside him " a hand running small circles at the small of his back " and it took less than ten seconds for Tony to press back against the hand and snuffle into the pillow.
“Talk to me, Tony,” he almost pleaded. “Something’s bothering you.”
“Y-you don’t want to hear about it, Jethro. B-believe me.” Tony sniffled, pulling his knees up tight.
“DiNozzo,” Gibbs said gently. “It will help to tell me " and I won’t tell another soul, you know that. I hate seeing you like this " please " open up and trust me.”
Silence reigned.
“Tony?” Gibbs prompted after a minute or two.
“I " I put everyone at risk.” Tony breathed. “I snatched the envelope from McGee " that powder could’ve gotten to any of us " and what if it had?”
“It didn’t though, did it?”
“No, it got me " and I could easily have infected Kate.”
“Again, you didn’t.”
“No " but " but I could have. Just before you came in " when I was " I w-was dying " I saw Kate leave the isolation room. She went straight to Ducky " and " and for all I knew " s-she could’ve infected h-him too " “
“Stop this, Tony.” Gibbs lifted a hand and began stroking Tony’s head, ruffling his hair. “No-one else was infected, you’re going to be fine.”
Tony rolled onto his back, unwilling to look at Gibbs. “I don’t count,” he said softly. “I put the whole team at risk " if only I hadn’t been so stupid and " “
“Anyone of us could have opened the damn thing, Tony. Fate decided it was to be you " it isn’t your fault.”
“But it is!” Tony protested.
“No! DiNozzo " it isn’t " it wasn’t,” Gibbs paused. “It was only a matter of time,” he said almost to himself.
“W-what was?”
“You’ve been to hell and back, Tony. It was only a matter of time before you began ruminating on the possible extent of what might have happened " but it, whatever *it* is, didn’t happen.”
“Do you know how it feels to " “
“Whoa!” Gibbs held up a hand. “We’re going to end this now " okay?”
“But you’re the one who wanted me to " “
“Talk " yeah, I know.” Gibbs got to his feet. “Look, you’re feeling vulnerable right now " and I just feel we’d be better talking this through in the morning. You’ve only been out of hospital three days, Tony " you need rest and TLC " “
“I don’t need anything,” Tony answered " the sadness in his voice wrenched at Gibbs’s heartstrings.
Gibbs held out a hand " a soft smile on his face. Tony looked at the hand, then at Gibbs.
“What?”
“I’ve got a frozen pizza melting in the kitchen and two bottles of beer in the refrigerator with our names on " “
“I’m not allowed alcohol " with these.” Tony was sitting up now, cross legged on the bed as he collected up his tablets and swallowing them down with a good slug of coffee.
“Alcohol free beer, Tony " until you finish the course.”
“Are you staying over tonight?” Tony asked as Gibbs walked to the bedroom door.
“I’m here for the duration, DiNozzo " why?”
“I just thought " you’d be " “
“Out the front door? Tony " you have to understand something " “
“No " let me " let me just " “
Gibbs retraced his steps and watched as Tony swung his legs off the bed and rose to his own feet and melted into Gibbs’s embrace with a sigh, snuggling up against his shoulder as Gibbs stroked the back of his head. “I nearly lost you,” he breathed. “And I will never lose you again.” They kissed, briefly and embraced again. “You all right, Tony?” Gibbs looked concerned as Tony’s eyes filled with tears once more. Tony nodded, lowering his head briefly.
“Want to know what I was thinking about while all that " crap was going on?” Tony asked quietly as they settled themselves in the kitchen.
“Tony " please " this can wait till morning can’t it?” Gibbs straightened up from putting the pizza in the oven. “You need a good night’s sleep " the last two nights you’ve been " restless " to say the least.”
“You.” Tony said simply. “All I could think about " was never seeing you again " my never being there for you anymore " “
Gibbs pulled Tony to him, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and pulling him close " lapping his lips softly and delighting in the low groan he elicited from the younger man. His embrace was returned and the kiss deepened.
“DiNozzo,” Gibbs breathed as the kiss ended. “I’m here, I’m now and I’m going nowhere soon " “
“So I’m stuck with you?” Tony managed a brief smile.
“Yep.”
“Good.”
END
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