Chapter Eleven
Gibbs couldn’t look Tony in the eye for a while - part of it was because he felt suddenly angry with the man for not calling him after the attack and being so stupid as to take an overdose and part of it was because he didn’t want to tell Tony what had happened to him, blissful ignorance seemed kinder in a way.
He knew that eventually he would have to say something to Tony because if he didn’t, Dr. Foster would and he knew it was protocol for the hospital to call in a psychiatrist to talk to Tony because of his suicide attempt and he didn’t want Tony going into that conversation with no idea of why he was there.
He took a deep breath and forced himself to look at Tony, who was leaning back against the pillows taking deep breaths behind the oxygen mask. Before he could speak, Tony said, “I know I screwed up, boss and I’m sorry, but I don’t remember what happened. I just know that no matter what you say, you’re angry at me.”
Gibbs didn’t know what to say to that, he was angry, but he didn’t know how to express it and Tony sounded so hurt, so lost that all Gibbs wanted to do was crawl into the bed beside him and hold him, but he knew that would not make the situation any better and for now he had to concentrate on what was best for Tony.
“Just tell me what happened,” Tony pleaded.
Gibbs sighed again and realised that he had no choice but to inform Tony of the attack. “We’re not sure what happened, we don’t have all the facts and you didn’t leave us with much evidence. We know that you went for a run Sunday night, we know that someone attacked and assaulted you, we know you took a shower afterwards - washing away most of the evidence.” Gibbs looked at Tony, who winced when he mentioned the shower and the evidence not being preserved, he knew he’d screwed up. “You took an overdose of Vicodin, I came to pick you up Monday morning at 6am and found you unresponsive and unconscious, I called Ducky, who worked out you’d taken an overdose and we brought you here where they treated you.”
“Assaulted? How did you work that out?” Tony asked, lifting his hands to check for any cuts or bruises. “Did they mug me?” He seemed to have totally overlooked the fact that he was in the ICU because of something he’d done to himself.
“There was some bleeding during the night, when I lifted you to take you to the car to come here we spotted it and I joined the dots and worked out what happened.”
“What did they take?”
“Nothing.”
“So, what, they just beat me up?”
Gibbs didn’t want to say it out loud, but he could see that Tony wasn’t going to work it out for himself. So, he took a deep breath and told him, “you were raped, Tony.”
A look of panic set on Tony’s face and then an emotion that Gibbs could not place appeared and then Tony shut down completely. His eyes went cold as he remembered what had happened to him, how they had held him down, how he hadn’t taken his cell or his gun so he couldn’t call for help, how they had thrust into him, whispering dirty things into his ear about how tight he was and how they had slapped his face, cutting his lip, when they were done before they disappeared into the night.
He could see it all running through his mind like the reel of a movie playing and he wanted it to stop, he put his head in his hands and started to sob - not caring that it was his boss who was watching him, who had found him, who had learnt what had been done to him, who knew how damaged he was now. God, he wished he died, he couldn’t cope with it all.
“Tony? Tony, stop that, you’ll hurt yourself,” a voice said, he was sure it was Gibbs but he didn’t understand what he was saying. He wasn’t doing anything to hurt himself, but he was, his fingernails were scraping at the skin on his face, breaking it, making it raw, he wanted that man’s scent off it and the shower hadn’t done it because people - Gibbs - could still see it.
Gibbs could see that just talking to Tony wasn’t doing the trick, so he grabbed both of Tony’s hands - being careful of the IV in the left one ��" and pulled them away from his face. The damage was minimal, small scratches from Tony’s fingernails now covered his face, in places he’d managed to make the skin raw from scratching, but none of them were bleeding - they just looked painful and Gibbs guessed that they probably were.
“Let go of me! I have to get clean!” Tony shrieked, getting wound up. Gibbs could see that his heart rate was climbing despite the pacemaker and that his breathing had become erratic.
“I’ll let you go, but you have to stop trying to hurt yourself and stay calm, okay?”
“I need to get it off.”
“Get what off?”
“Him.” Tony was openly sobbing now and Gibbs did something very un-Gibbs like and sat on the edge of Tony’s bed, pulled him forward and hugged the crying man. He rocked him back and forth, stroking his hair and his back to soothe him. To begin with, Tony fought him, but eventually he stopped either because he felt comfortable or because he was out of energy to fight Gibbs anymore.
“It’s okay, Tony, he can’t hurt you anymore. I’m here, I’ll protect you, I promise,” Gibbs whispered into Tony’s ear. He was in front of the monitors and he could see from Tony’s vitals and feel from the tension in his body releasing that Tony was finally beginning to relax. “I’m going to let go of you now, will you promise me you won’t try and hurt yourself?”
“I…I promise,” Tony stuttered. He had stopped crying, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t on the verge of starting again. His eyes were red, his cheeks inflamed from where he’d scratched as well as from the tears he’d cried.
Gibbs let go of Tony and eased himself off the bed and back into the chair, keeping hold of Tony’s hand - not to restrain him, but to let him know through physical touch that he was still there and he had no intention of going anywhere.
“I should call the team; let them know you’re awake. You feel up to a few visitors?” Gibbs asked, he realised as soon as he’d said it that it was the wrong thing to say when he saw the panic start in Tony’s eyes. “What? What’s wrong, Tony?”
“The team knows I’m here?”
“I had to tell them something, Ducky was with me when we came to the hospital so he knew and I haven’t been into work since. They did a rape exam on you, Tony, Abby processed it and McGee and Ziva checked your apartment and retraced your steps to find the primary crime scene and collected some samples from there, which Abby processed. So far, we’ve come up with nothing.”
Tony started to hyperventilate. The thought of the whole team knowing that he had been stupid enough to go out and get raped, they knew, they knew and they’d processed evidence and gotten nothing, which meant the guy wasn’t in the system. From the look on Gibbs’ face, he wasn’t going to let this go - he’d worn the same look after Ari infiltrated the morgue and shot Gerald, the same look when Ari shot and killed Kate. He was going to want Tony to go over everything again, over it and over it until they caught the guy. For the first time since waking up, Tony knew why he’d taken an overdose, he hadn’t wanted to repeat the trauma over and over and having worked rape cases both as an NCIS Special Agent and on the Baltimore PD, he knew that when the physical evidence pulled up nothing, they questioned the only witness to the crime - the victim.
Gibbs could see that Tony was getting worked up again and worked quickly to calm him. “It’s okay, Tony, I’m here, I’ve got you. I won’t let any harm come to you,” he said over and over until he felt Tony start to relax again. “What brought that on?” he asked, trying to work out Tony’s triggers so that he didn’t hit them unnecessarily.
“The team…knowing…the team knowing that I…that I was…that I…”
“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, but if you do say it I think it will help you heal,” Gibbs interrupted.
“The team know that I was…I was raped,” Tony said finally, dropping his gaze so that he didn’t have to look at Gibbs.
“Look at me, Tony. DiNozzo, look at me.”
Tony looked up.
“We’re a family, we watch out for each other and none of them think anything less of you because you were attacked - outside your home and without a weapon or anyway to defend yourself. This wasn’t your fault and I swear to you now, we will catch this guy and make him pay for what he did to you. I swear that on my life.” Gibbs gave Tony a small smile and squeezed his hand. Tony couldn’t smile, he didn’t think he was capable of it at the moment, but if what Gibbs said was true, then his ‘family’ would see to it that he would again smile.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Who will catch DiNozzo when he falls?