Chapter Twelve
Abby was the first person to wake up, her body clock always got her up for 5am no matter what time she’d gone to bed and she knew that they all hadn’t settled down till at least gone 3am, but still, give her a Caf-Pow (or several) and she could make it through the day. She looked across at McGee, who was asleep sat up in his chair with his jacket over him and then at Ziva, who fallen asleep at her desk with her head in her hands.
To begin with, Abby couldn’t work out what had woken her, but then she narrowed down the sound to Gibbs’ desk. It was his phone; she picked it up and nervously spoke into the receiver. “Special Agent Gibbs’ phone, Miss Sciuto speaking.”
“Never knew you could sound so professional, Abs,” Gibbs said, laughing a little.
“Yeah, I can, I would have taken a message to and totally made sure you got it. What can I do for you, bossman?” Abby asked, relaxing when she realised it was Gibbs on the other end of the telephone.
“Tony’s awake,” Gibbs told her. He had to hold the phone away from his ear when she shrieked with delight.
“Can we come and see him?” Abby asked.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Abs. He didn’t remember what had happened until I told him and he’s pretty freaked out about the fact that you all know and have been processing evidence on his case.”
“He knows we did it because we’re family, right?”
“Yeah, I told him that, but he’s still pretty fragile. I had to promise him several times that I’d come straight back after making this phone call to even get him to let me leave. The doctors have said he’s still very sick, still on the pacemaker and he’ll need another few rounds of dialysis ��" it’ll be a while before they can ascertain the amount of damage done permanently. They’ve arranged for a head doctor to come and see him later today to get him to talk about why he overdosed, because he won’t tell me and to be honest I don’t think he knows. His memory is a little skewed from the tablets; his doctor explained that it can happen with an overdose of Tony’s size and that it should return.”
“That’s gotta suck. Having to relive what happened to him after forgetting it. Seems like it would be kinder to just let him live in ignorance.”
“It would, but if we’re going to catch that son of a bitch we need Tony to give us a decent description of him. In a few days, when he’s feeling up to it, I’ll get McGee and Ziva down here to take a description and do a sketch and maybe then we’ll have somewhere to start looking.”
“Can I come and see him, Gibbs? I promise to be gentle with him.”
Gibbs was silent for a moment as he contemplated Abby’s request, maybe it would do Tony some good to see that the forensic scientist didn’t look at him any different and it would be good for him to see a familiar face.
“Okay, you can come and pass on that he’s awake to everyone else, I haven’t got the time to call Ducky and tell him, but make it clear to everyone - including Ducky - that unless I call and ask for them, they are not to visit unannounced, we need Tony to trust us to look after him and we can’t do that if people keep turning up when he’s not up to it,” Gibbs told her.
“I swear,” Abby replied, sounding as serious as she got. Gibbs said nothing else and hung up; Abby did the same when she heard the dial tone. Her shriek of happiness had woken McGee and Ziva who were both looking at her, rather groggily.
“Who was that?” McGee asked, yawning and stretching as he spoke.
“Gibbs.”
“Oh, what did he want?” Ziva said, stretching and looking at Abby.
“To tell me, well, us, that Tony woke up!” Abby announced, a smile on her face.
“That is good news, yes?” Ziva asked.
“Well, he’s not out of the woods yet, but he’s getting there. Gibbs said to tell you both that you’re not allowed to go see him yet, he’ll call you when he’s ready for you. I have to go and find Ducky and tell him and then get to Bethesda.”
“Hang on, why do you get to go to Bethesda?” McGee asked, looking confused.
“Coz I answered the phone and I asked first,” Abby told him, before getting up and heading to the elevator that would take her to the morgue, which is where she assumed Ducky was at this time of the morning.
~*~
When Abby arrived at Bethesda and made her way to the ICU and Tony’s room, she found him asleep with Gibbs watching him whilst holding his hand. Gibbs looked up and motioned for her to come into the room.
“Hey, Abs, you got here fast,” Gibbs said in a hushed tone.
“Yeah, couldn’t find the Duckman to tell him the good news, but I told Ziva and McGee to pass it on should they see him before I get back. Is he asleep?” Abby replied, mimicking Gibbs’ hushed tone.
“Yeah, the doc gave him a light sedative to calm him down,” Gibbs said. “Looks like he’ll sleep for a while and you’ll have had a wasted trip.”
“Nah, at least he’s breathing on his own now, even if his chest is still dancing from that pacemaker. When can that come off?”
“Not for a long while yet. They don’t know how much damage has been done permanently, and the road ahead for Tony is going to be hard and full of challenges.”
“But he has us to help him through, Gibbs. We won’t give up on him.”
“If only he’d realised that before he’d been so stupid.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if only he’d thought about it for a micro second, he shouldn’t have showered, he should have called me and I would have brought him to the ER for the rape exam and then we would have had more to work with than just some sperm, we would have had an idea of what the attacker looked like, we would have found the primary crime scene before it was compromised and I know that it wasn’t, but we don’t know that for sure, do we? Instead he took the coward’s way out and swallowed a bunch of pills, I should head slap him into next week for this, he’s risked his career, his health and everything dammit, just because he was too damn stupid to call and ask for help,” Gibbs ranted, finally letting out the anger he’d been feeling since Tony woke up.
“Gibbs…”
“NO, don’t try to defend him, it was stupid, plain and simple and I taught him better than that!”
“I just think you should think about it from his point of view.”
“HIS point of view? Abby, I’ve sat by his side since the second they brought him up here, I found him, I carried him to the car and drove like a bat outta hell to get him here, I’ve watched them put a pacemaker on his heart, shock him back into existence and attach dialysis so that his kidneys don’t pack up on him and they’re telling me that he still might not make it out of this in one piece. I love the guy for crying out loud, I’ve never loved anyone like this, not even Shannon and I loved her so much it hurt sometimes and I’ve kept vigil at his bed side because I was so scared that if I left, he’d die not knowing that there are people out there who care for him so much that they think of him as family and I’m supposed to just forget that he broke every rule I taught him, that he washed away vital evidence and then downed a bottle of Vicodin chasing the tablets down with a bottle of bourbon. He may have permanent liver, kidney, brain damage all because he was too damn proud to call one of us and say, ‘hey, I need a little help’. That doesn’t float in my book.” Gibbs felt his blood pressure rise as he spoke, he hadn’t realised just how angry he was with Tony until he’d started to talk about it with Abby. Having said all of that didn’t mean he cared for the man any less, just that he wanted some answers, but most of all he didn’t want to put Tony through hell describing the man who had attacked him to fail him when it came to actually catching the bastard.
Gibbs wanted that man just as much as he’d wanted Ari when he’d taken Kate from them, not just because he had attacked and raped the man Gibbs loved, but because he’d almost taken Tony from them too. He may have Tony back with him, but there was a chance that it was not the Tony he’d grown to know and love, that it was a different Tony, one that was damaged beyond repair. He knew that if Tony was too sick following this to return to active field work then he wouldn’t stay, he’d move on and Gibbs would lose him and he couldn’t cope with that, so he prayed to the same God that had taken Shannon and Kelly from him to not take Tony too, to allow him to heal, to give him the chance to work again and ultimately, to give Gibbs a chance to show him what real love was all about.
Abby gasped, which caused Gibbs to turn from where he’d stood ranting at her and look at Tony. The green eyes were open and filled with tears, he’d heard everything that Gibbs had had to say and the look on his face broke Gibbs’ heart a little more.
The oxygen mask was still over his face, as the doctor had yet to give the order to switch to a nasal canula, but Tony pulled it off and spoke quickly before Gibbs could give him the order to put it back on.
“I knew you were angry at me. I knew it. I knew I screwed up, but I wasn’t thinking straight, I just wanted his scent off me, I felt so dirty, I still do and you say my ‘family’ is going to help me heal, well I don’t want you to, I should have died, you should have left me there to die, Gibbs.”
“Tony…”
“No, Abby, he’s right, I did break every rule he taught me, I did forget everything he said and I should have told someone, but I was so ashamed. I don’t deserve your love, Gibbs and I don’t want it, I’m a marked man now, I’ve been raped. RAPED! You honestly still love me after that?” Tony asked, waiting for an answer from Gibbs who looked shocked - mostly because he didn’t know Tony had been awake to listen to what he’d said.
“I do, Tony, I love you even more,” Gibbs said, half whispering. His tone suggested sincerity, but Tony couldn’t take that chance.
“I don’t believe you. Please leave me alone, Abby can stay with me if you think someone has to, but right now I don’t need lies, I need the truth because I already know that no man will ever look at me the same again and I don’t blame them so don’t give me your pity love. Go broad over the fact that I can’t tell you who attacked me and that one of your team got hurt and no amount of brute Gibbs force is going to make this any better.” With that, he put the oxygen mask back on and gasped in some breaths until he felt he had enough oxygen, which is when his breathing finally slowed to a more acceptable rate, his eyes closed and he slipped back into sleep as quickly as he’d come out of it, hoping that when he woke, it would be Abby he would see and not Gibbs because right then he couldn’t cope with his boss’ confession that he loved him, after all, who could love a screw up like him?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Who will catch DiNozzo when he falls?