Chapter Eighteen
Gibbs hated opening himself up to his teamâ€"even Abbyâ€"and now that she knew something so disturbingly intimate about his childhood and life, he wasn’t quite sure how to cope. His first instinct was distance and a lot of it, to push her away with words or physical space. But she was Abbs and the rules had always been different between them. He couldn’t drive her away like that, never had been able to. And she took advantage of that.
“Abbs, I can’t…” he began, glad she was a few feet away. Maybe she couldn’t see the emotion he knew was burning in his eyes.
“Yeah, I know. I can read you like a book, Gibbs. But maybe someday you will. Doesn’t have to be to me, but Tony needs you. Especially with Dante DiNozzo on the scene.”
“Abbs, give the guy a break.”
“No! You give him a break if you want to, but someone has to look out for Tony’s interests and we’re best friends, Gibbs. Best friends. The stuff he’s told me would even curl your hair and there is no way I’m going to just sit by and let Dante DiNozzo hurt our Tony.”
“My Tony,” Gibbs emphasized before he’d worked out what he was going to say. He winced inwardly, knowing Abby would pick right up on that.
“Your Tony, Gibbs? I swear on my Aunt Nelly’s grave, and she practiced voodoo, you know. I swear she turned Uncle Calvin into a monkey when he pissed her off. Anyway, I swear, if you don’t know what you’re doing, Gibbs, keep away from Tony. He’s so into you and you can’t hurt him any more. All of this was because he was trying to get you out of his system. Because he knew you were as hetero as they come and you and I both know that hasn’t changed.”
She was right, it hadn’t. He didn’t think of himself as gay and not even as bisexual. It was just Tony, as crazy as that seemed and felt.
“Can’t explain it, Abbs.”
“Are you stringing him along?” she asked, as serious as he’d ever seen her.
“No,” he replied in a firm voice. “Not intentionally, anyway.”
Abby huffed out a frustrated sigh. “Gibbs, how do you see this going then? You like girls and Tony likes girls and boys. He’s so in love with you.”
He knew that and it made things so damned complicated. “I don’t know how it’s gonna go, Abbs. Tony and I, we’ll figure it out.”
“And if he tries to kiss you, are you going to clock him? What if he wants to make love? What then? Gibbs, you have to look at all the facts and the implications here. It isn’t as easy as figuring it out later. Tony’s heart is involved and he almost died. He could have died because of this. And…and…”
“C’mere, Abbs.” She ran the few steps that separated them and launched herself into his arms.
“Do you know what I thought when I saw him?” she asked in a halting voice broken by her sobs.
“No. What?” Gibbs asked, his gut churning. This was a conversation he didn’t want to have, even though he new Abbs needed it.
“That it would be better if he died,” she whispered. “God, Gibbs, I almost wished Tony dead.”
“But you didn’t, and he’s here,” he said, trying to soothe her and fight back his own emotions.
“He’s a guy who got raped and tortured because he’s in love with his boss. His hands are so messed up…he won’t shoot again, won’t be on a team, do you really think he’ll stay at NCIS, Gibbs? He’ll lose it all.”
“He has me.”
“Not the way he wants you, Gibbs. He wants to be with you. Romantically.”
“Yeah, I got the memo, Abbs.”
“And you don’t.”
“Abby, let me figure out what I want. Tony and I will work this out. We don’t need your help.”
She looked up at him, tears clinging to her eyelashes, lips trembling. She probably meant herself to look like she was Tony’s protector but it struck Gibbs just how vulnerable she was instead. “You’re not gay,” she finally said.
“Neither is he, Abbs. He’s bi.”
“Are you?” Abby asked him in a hushed voice.
“Don’t think so,” he admitted, even though it hurt him to say that, as if he was betraying Tony somehow. “But there’s something about Tony, Abbs. Just Tony. Doesn’t matter what sex he is. All of that stuff is…not important.”
“Because you’re in love with him,” she finished, a little hope and light shining in her eyes.
He nodded, squeezing her tight. “And now I have to go see him. Don’t worry so much about Dante DiNozzo. I protect Tony. I always have.”
“Until this time,” Abby said sadly as Gibbs walked away.
Tony’s room was empty when Gibbs returned and he picked up the well-worn sweatshirt, holding it close. The fabric seemed to be holding in Tony’s natural scent, warmth and sunshine and smiling man that comforted Gibbs as he settled into the chair to wait for Tony to return.
Abby had brought up a lot of questions and Gibbs knew he had to deal with them, but with the memories of his mother’s illness, Dante DiNozzo’s arrival and his own father visiting soon, Gibbs knew he couldn’t give time and energy to what kind of a sex life he wanted with Tony. Given Tony’s situation, they were hardly gonna jump into the hospital bed and have sex any time soon. Maybe not ever. Tony’s injuries could be severe enough that he’d never have a normal sex life.
“Hey, you’re deep in thought.”
Gibbs’ head snapped up when he heard Tony’s voice. He must have drifted off or been so into his own headspace that he hadn’t realized the other man had returned. Tony was alone but the room had just been cleared, at least Gibbs had that sense.
“Any news yet?” Gibbs asked, pulling his chair close to the bedside. Tony looked drawn and tired, simultaneously little boy and much older than his years.
“Nope. Just a lot of tests,” Tony sighed and coughed a few times. “Hurting bad today.”
“Want some pain meds.”
“No. I just want you, Boss. Stay close. The things they told me earlier…”
“Gonna deal with that, Tony. She should have never told you.” The doctor’s balls would be dealt with Gibbs-style. She had no right to pull that crap and tell Tony something so damaging. Gibbs realized he was grinding his teeth and made a conscious effort to unclench his jaw.
“Don’t. I asked her. I’m not a teenager who needs Daddy to fight all my battles, not that he ever would.” Tony looked down, studying the bed, as if he couldn’t meet Gibbs’ gaze.
Gibbs sighed, running a hand over the crisp sheet covering Tony. After talking with Dante, Gibbs was more ci“Want me to call him?”
“Who?”
“Your father.”
Tony swallowed hard, blinking back emotion, and Gibbs had to use every ounce of willpower to stay seated with his hands on the arms of the chair. “Gibbs…I don’t know.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Tony shrugged. “What is there to say. He was screwed up and he says he isn’t any more, but I don’t know… I don’t know.”
“If you can trust him?” Gibbs prodded gently.
“If he cares. What if we ask him to come, and he says no?”
Gibbs pulled in a long breath and looked at Tony. He didn’t want to do this now, but he sensed that Tony needed it, more than Gibbs could have ever imagined. “And what if he says yes.”
Almost instantly, tears started glittering in Tony’s eyes. “Then…I’d know. I’d know he cared and I’d know there would be a chance.” Tony stared deeply into Gibbs’ eyes. “Would you…call him? Right here, right now.”
“No,” Gibbs said softly, stroking his hand over Tony’s collarbone. “I called him yesterday, we talked.”
“Oh.” In a split second, Tony went from hopeful to dejected, his body curling inward as much as his injuries allowed.
“Tony, it isn’t like that. Flew down. He wants to see you. But only if you want to and you’re ready. He told me a lot of things and I have Duck and Jenny doing some checking to make sure he didn’t lie.”
“You called him? You called him and he came down?”
“Yeah.”
“He…cares?”
“Oh yeah, Tony. He cares. He’s worried about you.”
“Does he know…what happened?” Tony’s lower lip started trembling and Gibbs traced a thumb over the flesh, soothing Tony as gently as he knew how.
“Yeah. He knows why you were jumped. And he doesn’t care. He just wants his boy happy.” Just like I do, Gibbs added silently.
Tony nodded, breathing deeply. It was clear that Tony was striving for control before speaking again.
“Ball is in your court now, Tony. He won’t be offended if you aren’t ready to see him. You just have to make sure the time is right for both of you.”
“What would you do?” Tony asked in a tumultuous tone of voice.
Gibbs answered that without hesitation. “See him. My father and I have been apart for a lotta years too. He’s on the way. Figured if you and your dad could try, so could I.”
Tony nodded, closing his eyes. “I’ll see him. Later though. Gibbs, I’m so tired.”
“Sleep then, DiNozzo. I’ll be right here by your side.”
“Now you’re my loyal St. Bernard.”
“Guess I am, Tony. Guess I am.”
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks to Hilde for the sanity read!