Chapter Nineteen
Gibbs sat at Tony’s side as the injured man fell into a deep sleep. The doctor needed to be dealt with for terrifying Tony like she had, and Gibbs needed that information from Ducky and Jen, but he couldn’t quite yank himself away from Tony. This need to touch the other man was almost overwhelming and he swept Tony’s hair back one moment, resting his hand on Tony’s collarbone the next, finally gently squeezed the bicep. His hands were everywhere Tony wasn’t overtly injured, tracing the curve of the lips gently, fluttering a fingertip against the golden brown lashes resting on Tony’s cheeks.
Gibbs didn’t know why he needed to be so tactile with Tony, how much he desired and needed this physical contact. It was doing as much to settle Tony as it was helping Gibbs come to terms with whatever this was. Affection, worry, care, protection"and love. He knew it, he’d admitted it to himself and even the others. But just what that meant in Gibbs’ life still had to be worked out. He would do it in time. He’d work it all out in his head.
He was in love with DiNozzo; he knew it, and Tony knew it. Hell, even Abbs knew it. And while it should have filled Gibbs with uncertainty and dread, he was completely at home with this decision and choice. It had been a long time since he’d realized he was well and truly in love. Since Shannon, if he was honest with himself. He hadn’t been in love with any of the exes, as hard as that had been to come to terms with. He’d always used them as a template for what he’d remembered having with his wife and they hadn’t had a chance of measuring up in the end. He’d come close with Jenny, but he hadn’t allowed himself to let go with her either. Maybe she wasn’t the right one, maybe he just wasn’t ready.
But Tony was different, Gibbs knew that. He’d been drawn to Tony when he first met him, and their bond had just strengthened with time. Gibbs didn’t know if Tony was aware of just how invested he was and had been for a lot of years. He’d never put a name to it before, knowing it was partially a father-son bond and sometimes a buddy/buddy bond. Other times he felt like a mentor teaching a student. But there had always been something about Tony…
“Jethro?”
Gibbs looked up to see Ducky standing in the doorway of the room. He glanced at Tony, making sure the younger man was still sleeping deeply, and nodded, motioning his friend in.
“How is he?” Ducky asked, moving closer. Gibbs stood, leaning over Tony’s bed in a protective motion, wincing slightly that he was protecting Tony from Ducky. There was no reason for it. He tried to relax, releasing the tension in his shoulders, forcing his back and jaw to unclench before he answered his friend.
“Sleeping. Exhausted. They gave him the bare bones of what he’s up against, Duck, and between that and the medical tests, he has a lot he’s chewing on.”
Ducky nodded, face pulled into very tense lines. “I’ll speak to his doctors in a while, Jethro, both about them approaching him, and their latest updates and prognosis. When we’ve turned the corner with any infections that must be dealt with, we can discuss bringing him to a facility closer to home.”
“He’s okay here for now, Duck.”
“Yes, he is. But eventually, you’ll need to get back to work and Tony will need you nearby.”
Gibbs opened his mouth to answer, but then it hit him. Tony’s recovery would take a long time"months at the very least"and Gibbs couldn’t be here at his side the entire time. The realization rocked him and he sank back into the chair, resting his hands on his knees and breathing through the stress of the realization.
“Duck…I…” Gibbs trailed off, shaking his head.
“It will be months, Jethro. Months, my friend.” Ducky patted Gibbs’ knee and then squeezed his hand. “Even if he recovers fairly quickly, there is a great deal of healing he needs to undergo and then, he’ll have some rehabilitation work on his hands for some time.”
“Do you think there’s any chance he might be able to be field certified?” Gibbs asked Ducky in a rush. The idea of being in the field without Tony made Gibbs’ stomach flip unpleasantly.
“Oh, Jethro,” Ducky said, exhaling heavily. “From what I’ve seen of the damage there’s less than a fifty percent chance of his hands coming back enough for field work. He’ll be able to function just fine on a day to day basis with excessive therapy, Jethro, but I wouldn’t count on him returning to full field form.”
“Not a desk agent, Duck. You know that,” Gibbs warned.
“And you know your agents and their strengths and weaknesses,” Ducky put in. “Jethro, I won’t clear him medically if he isn’t field certified. You know as well as I that will entail him undergoing all sorts of physical tests, including shooting recertifications. If he can’t hold a gun, he will be a hindrance in the field.”
“Duck…” Gibbs warned.
“You need to listen to this, Jethro. You know what I’m saying is the truth,” Ducky pushed gently. “And then we have the entire psychological profile.”
“His sexuality doesn’t mean a damn!” Gibbs growled, standing now. This was getting too intense and it was making him damned angry. He started pacing, bleeding off his frustration and anger, glancing to the bed every few seconds to reassure himself that Tony was sleeping through this.
“No, Jethro, it doesn’t. But Tony’s need to visit a place that he did, the fact that he seems to have serious issues with needing to attract the wrong type of attention and that he seems very stimulated by danger could cause him to have problems with the psychological aspect of the certification. He’ll have to undergo some prolonged counseling, as would anyone who was sexually abused or tortured might be. And the aspects of rape, Jethro…”
“We’ll work it, out, Duck. We’ll work it out. You have no idea how strong he is, Ducky, What he can get through.”
Ducky sighed and it was clear from his body language that he was frustrated. “You can’t fix everything, Jethro. All the worry and protection in the world does not make up for the damage that was already done to Tony. He’ll need you to help him, but you won’t be able to heal him, Jethro.”
“I know,” Gibbs said with a frustrated sound. He watched Tony sleeping, complex emotions rushing through him. Anguish for what Tony had allowed himself to be put through rushed through Gibbs and he made a small noise that he couldn’t stifle.
He was responsible for this on some level, and now that the crisis was ending and the bulk of the healing beginning, Gibbs could focus on himself, at least while Tony was sleeping.
“Jethro…” Ducky began but Gibbs waved him off, sinking back into his chair and scrubbing his hands over his face.
“You need to talk to someone, my friend.”
‘Talked to a lot of people already, Duck.”
“Well, make it one more. Indulge me, Jethro.”
Gibbs growled low, standing to face his friend, to stare Ducky down. “Answering the question you’re gonna ask. Yes. Yes, okay, Duck? And no, I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do about it.”
“Don’t you hurt him, Jethro.”
“Won’t, Ducky.”
“See that you don’t. That boy is so in love with you. And he’s been hurt enough.”
Gibbs let out a huge frustrated sigh. “Got the memo, Ducky. I’ll figure this out. With Tony. We’ll work it out. Back off, okay?” He spoke the words gently, but he meant them.
Ducky let out his own sigh. “Very well then, Jethro. I have some news about that situation you had me look into.”
Gibbs glanced at Tony, measuring his breathing and soft snores before he replied. “Speak to me, Duck.”
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