Chapter Twenty-Three
Gibbs blinked a few times, Dante’s words ringing in his ears. This guy he’d barely even met had read that he was in love with Tony. How the hell had he become so transparent. “I…” he started and then shook his head.
“He’s ashamed,” Tony said, his voice quiet and resigned.
“No,” Gibbs responded immediately, turning his eyes to Tony. “Not ashamed. Just…” He trailed off, frustrated in himself, in his lack of solid vebal communication skills. When he needed the words the most, they were the hardest to find. This was what had started the gulf between him and each of the wives. And he couldn’t run the risk of that distance happening between him and Tony.
He turned his head, taking in Dante’s expression as well. While this was awkward and uncomfortable for him, Gibbs knew he had to lay himself open for Tony. It was what he deserved, and after what he’d been through, Gibbs was wary of letting anything remain unsaid.
“Never thought about it before,” he said, his voice unsteady at first. Gibbs cleared his throat"hard" the sound echoing in the silent room. Dante and Tony were watching him, expressions curious, a brief flash of hope in Tony’s green eyes.
“Why?” Dante asked quietly. “Why my son?”
“Tony is the best agent I’ve ever worked with,” Gibbs started.
“Jethro, I’m well aware of how much you admire my son’s professional qualifications. I want to know about your personal connection with him.”
He was right, and on some level, having Dante here was taking some of the stress and pressure off himself. “Tony’s saved my life. Never expected a thing for it, never even demanded a thank you. He’s a damned good friend. He’s…”
“What?” Dante prodded when Gibbs went silent.
Gibbs locked his eyes on Tony’s, speaking to him"and only to him"right now. “He’s the only guy I could ever see letting in like this.”
“So what now, Boss?” Tony asked, his jovial tone attempting to cut through Gibbs’ unease. Gibbs could see the seriousness behind the words and leaned closer. At some point, he’d removed his hand from Tony’s collarbone and he resettled it, pressing down lightly on the warm skin and assuring himself that Tony was here and alive, though the road ahead was full of potholes and unexpected turns.
“Now, you heal. And you and me, we figure it out. Together. Remember?” Gibbs turned, taking in Dante’s expression as well. “He’ll be fine, Dante. I’ll make sure of that.”
“Are you gay?” Dante asked. He looked down and away when he asked the question, his discomfort and unease clear in the way he moved.
“No.” Gibbs didn’t know how to explain it, but he didn’t think of himself as gay.
“But I am. That’s the problem, Dad. It’s kind of like Ianto in Torchwood"that’s a TV series, Gibbs. And Jack. I’m Jack in this. He’s…omnisexual they call it. He’ll sleep with anyone, just like I do. Guys or girls, it doesn’t matter. Though…” Tony trailed off, teeth sinking into his lip. “More of Jack’s great loves are guys, rather than girls. But he’s an immortal alien and I guess that doesn’t really count.”
“Tony,” Gibbs warned quietly, trying to pull his attention back. Tony was resorting to his comfort behaviors, and while Gibbs was willing to cut him some slack, he couldn’t let Tony go off on too many tangents.
“Okay, Boss,” Tony said, nodding. “Anyway, Jack has this guy in his life, Ianto. And Ianto isn’t gay, or even sexually adventurous in any way. Until he falls for Jack. He said that it wasn’t all guys, it was Jack. Is that how it is, Boss?”
Gibbs expelled a long breath, considering Tony’s words. There had been a few men Gibbs had been drawn to in the past, men who he’d served with, a few men since. Gibbs had put that down to curiosity, but he supposed it could have been more than that. It wasn’t anything he had spent a lot of time or energy considering. He was perfectly comfortable in his skin and the people around him tended to take it or leave it.
“Don’t know,” Gibbs replied, unwilling to say much more. Not now, not yet. This was mirroring the conversation he’d had with Abby earlier, and it had been much clearer then. But Dante DiNozzo hadn’t been sitting there. It had just been Gibbs and Abby.
Gibbs rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, studying Tony’s body language. “You want to talk about what happened when you were a kid, Tony? You have your father here.”
“You haven’t answered his question. How long, Boss?”
He hadn’t answered it because he didn’t know how long he’d loved Tony. Not definitively. His feelings had been growing for a long time, but Gibbs wasn’t sure he could pluck out a moment where affection, worry, and concern had crossed over from boss to friend, much less beyond that into someone he loved. Gibbs sifted through memories"both the good and the painful"before drawing one moment into the foreground.
“Couple years.” When he’d realized Tony’s car had exploded, for a moment it had taken him back to losing his family"the white hot agony almost bringing him to his knees. It had been only a brief moment in time, but he knew deep in his gut that he’d felt the same. And in that moment, he’d wanted to strike out at Jen just as he had Hernandez. Lethally, in cold fury. Looking back, it was no surprise that things between him and Hollis had collapsed soon afterward.
“That long?” Tony asked, eyes becoming wider, breathing speeding up. “You mean I could have… You mean I screwed…”
“No,” Gibbs replied quietly and firmly. “You didn’t know, Tony. Hell, I just pinpointed it. You didn’t do anything wrong, Tony. You didn’t cause this.”
“I did,” Tony insisted.
“No…no, DiNozzo. Tony, you were just looking for something. What you got…you didn’t cause this. You had a right to want this. Why are you always so damn self sacrificing?”
Tony looked to the side, hitching one shoulder slightly before locking his eyes on his father. “I understand,” Gibbs replied in a firm tone. He was slightly aware of Dante moving, leaving the room, the door closing gently. They were alone now.
Gibbs leaned in, taking Tony’s head in very gentle hands, stroking over cheekbones. Touching another man like this was damned intimate, but it felt right with Tony"with this man. “I understand, Tony. I know more about you than you could ever imagine.”
“You can’t, Boss. You can’t know…”
“Try me.”
“My mother was…” Tony tried to look away, but Gibbs wouldn’t let him.
“And your father too. Must have been hell.”
“It was. You can’t understand.”
“Not all of it, but some. Tony…my mother was sick too.”
“I’m not talking about the flu here, Boss. Or even cancer.”
“Know what you’re talking about, Tony. Mental illness.”
Tony pulled in a breath at that, regarding Gibbs with those big expressive green eyes. “Your mom too, Gibbs?”
“My mom too.”
“How bad was it?”
“Real bad, Tony. Real bad.” Gibbs closed his eyes; all he could see were his mother’s twisted features, the butcher knife gleaming with his blood. Though the physical scars had faded, the emotional ones were still present.
Tony made a small noise and Gibbs opened his eyes, staring into sympathetic and concerned ones. “I’m so sorry, Boss. I never knew…”
“Nobody did.” With one last brush of his thumbs over Tony’s cheekbones, Gibbs settled back, his hand on Tony’s collarbone.
“Did you have a hero?” Tony asked, eyes once again fixed on the door, and only then did Gibbs get the full scope of Tony’s father and authority issues. Dante wasn’t there when Tony needed him the most. It was even more important and vital for Jackson to be here, helping out, helping to heal Tony.
“My father, Tony.”
“Wish I could have met him.”
“You will. He’s on the way.”
“He is?” Tony’s eyes widened.
“Yeah. Me, you. He’s gonna help us both.”
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