I have never slept with a woman.
Therefore, when she turned up and claimed to be my granddaughter, I knew she was lying. I knew her declaration could not possibly be true.
However, I could not have known, I could never have imagined, what the cost of my refutation, my denial, would be.
Sometimes, for a moment when I think about the cost, the loss, the devastating destruction, I wonder if, had I known then what I know now whether I would have gone on saying 'I have never slept with a woman'.
At other times I know I did the right thing. I did the only thing I could do.
But the cost.
Was it too much?
Was it worth it?
Two lives lost.
For what?
My pride?
My honesty?
My reputation?
My self-worth?
And it could have been even worse. God forgive me, but it could have been worse. I could have lost my beloved.
But is what happened worse?
He says no.
He says I did the right thing.
He says I did the only thing I could do.
Keep repeating 'I have never'.
But I do not know.
Sometimes I look at him and I wonder.
Maybe one day I will tell the full story.
Maybe one day when it is not so raw, so painful, so intense. When the loss does not cut so deeply, I will tell what happened.
They say it will help.
But what do they know?
For the first time in my life, I am not certain of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'.
Maybe one day I will tell.
But maybe I never will.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ducky is troubled by a recent decision.