Chapter 3
“Probie’s Ducky and Abby’s play toy? This is great! I can’t even seduce Gibbs and Probie’s getting his own bangers and mash.” Tony turned to Abby. “Best friends share everything. Why’d ya not share this one, Abbs?”
“You never asked, Tony. Besides, it sorta turned into a competition to see if we could keep this information from two highly trained agents.” Abby was glad that they had pulled it off, that no one had suspected. “I will share just about anything. But not Tim and Ducky. Hands off.,” She growled, more in play than seriousness before continuing. “And what is this about seducing Gibbs? Tony, have you been holding out on us?”
“Did Ziva know?” Ziva. That one hurt. Tony knw he was much closer to Abby than his partner was. “Tried to get Gibbs in bed. Gibbs not interested. Too bad. Want him. Want him a lot. Daddy complex, maybe. Hey Gibbsy, Could we do platonic in bed, d’ya think? Don’t wanna sleep alone tonight. Gonna picture her face. All bloody and still. God dammit. Dammit! I shoulda been there. Fucking shoulda been me! Then ya’d be drinking in relief. Not sadness.”
Tim winced. He’d never seen Tony like this before. “Come on, Tony. You followed orders. You did what you were trained to do.”
Self-loathing turned to anger when McGee spoke. “Shut up, McGee, just shut up! You’re a stupid probie. You know nothing. Know nothing, stupid probie.” He struggled to get up, to start hitting McGee and not stop but someone had his arm in a tight grip.
“Shoulda been me,” Tony whispered, near tears.
"Tony, you listen to me. This isn't your fault; it also isn't Tim's. Cut him some slack, got it?" Abby held onto her friend, knowing that he was so drunk, he wouldn't be able to shake off a sober woman. "No one blames you, and you shouldn't blame yourself. If you or Ziva had been there, you wouldn't have been able to do anything. You would have ended up dead too. I can't lose you on top of Jenny. I need you here too much."
Tony shook her hand off, standing unsteadily. “Well, I’m off to the USS Gipper at oh dark hundred and Ziva’s already on her way back to Israel, so you can deal, Abby. You lost us too.” He stared at Gibbs, making it a challenge. “And I got nothing here no more so ‘scuse me. Gotta pack up. Gotta go. Sorry, Boss. Can’t do it. Got too much I want an can’t have. Been real. Been fun. But it…it…”
He just shook his head and staggered to the door, making it outside and heading for his car. He wouldn’t let them see him crying.
“Excuse me, for a moment.” Gibbs lurched up, spilling the remaining amber liquid in his glass. He knew someone would refill it by time he came back. Following Tony out the door, he knew he had to get to him before he made a bad situation worse. Wasn’t going to let him get sent to jail on a DUI if he could prevent it.
“DiNozzo, you’re not leaving! Too drunk to even consider it. Come back in, we’ll drink and feel twice as bad in the morning, with the support of one another. Not gonna let you just take off like this. I’m still your boss and can still make you do what I want.”
“Not my boss, Gibbs. Got kicked off your team, remember? USS Gipper, remember? Jenny dead, my fault, remember?” He grabbed Gibbs’ shirt in his fists. “Screwup. Better off dead. Remember? Remember, Gibbs? ‘Cause I can’t forget! How much I drink, I can’t forget, Gibbs. She was lying there so still, and she looked so old. Gibbs…”
"Come here DiNozzo." Jethro said softly . He needed to fix this as much as he needed fixing. "I'm not losing you, not to another assignment and not to your memories. You shouldn't have had to see her like that. Trust me, she wouldn't have wanted it any more then you wanted to see it. You know Jen. If her suit didn't have the perfect crease and her make up and hair wasn't flawless, she'd hide in her office all day. She's probably sitting on a cloud, horrified to be seen not at her best. And she'd never blame you for this; I don't blame you for this. No one blames you, Tony. We all love you and want to help you, but you have to let us."
“Come where, Gibbs? Where? Where is there on earth where I won’t blame myself? Even if none of you do, I blame myself, Gibbs. I can’t get them out of my head and conscience. First Jeanne, now Jen. Now you want me to leave the only thing I was ever good at, Gibbs. My job. To…to stay here? To be tormented by wanting you. To watch you go to work every day when I have nothing? What do you want from me, Boss?” Tony leaned on the hood of his car for a moment, before throwing up once, twice.
When he was done, a little more clarity returning, he spoke again.
“I’ve burned too many bridges. Peoria, Philly, Baltimore, NCIS. What’s left for me, Gibbs? Rent a cop at the mall? The Gipper? I loved her, Gibbs. I could have made it work with her. Then it all fell apart and now I don’t have anything left.”
“You’re going to have NCIS again. I meant it, Tony. The bastard won’t know what hit him, and not even a mall will hire him when I’m finished.” He refused to watch Tony destroy himself. Jen wouldn’t have wanted it and Jethro wouldn’t allow it. “You want a job? You’re hired. You’re responsible for watching my six; you need to make sure that Vance doesn’t get me. He took out Jen, indirectly, but still did. I need someone I can trust, and that someone is you.”
Tony snorted. “And how ya gonna pay me, Boss? You aren’t paying in what I want. Guy has to live, and eat….and pay his way.” He leaned over, retching again. “Gibbs, don’t you understand? If I stay here…it wouldn’t work. I’ve got too much frustration and need and…heartache. Seems okay for me to drink like this. Don’t like feeling. Don’t want to feel anything right now.”
He had to be trashed, he knew it, despite him throwing up everything he’d drunk recently. There was no other explanation for what he did. And Gibbs just stood there as Tony grabbed a bottled water and rinsed his mouth out, crunched on an altoid and then leaned in to brush a kiss over Gibbs’ mouth.
“That’s what I want. You.”
“You’re drunk, and I think that’s got a lot to do with it, DiNozzo.” The kiss hadn’t been bad, brief and soft. If he closed his eyes, he could almost believe it was someone else, someone curvy and definitely female. He’d never had any interest in another man, but he wouldn’t turn his back on one, especially not one of his team members.
“Tony, you won’t remember you did that in the morning and I’m not going to bring it up. We’ll sort out payment and how you’re going to survive until I get you your proper job back. This is an insult, best agent on the east coast being sent out to sea, even if they term it as a special privilege. You were offered a leadership position in Spain; you should have at least been offered the equivalent. I could understand losing you to that. But not to this, and I’m not going to let you go. So come back in, DiNozzo. We have more drinking and more toasting to do before the night is up. Lots of liquor to honor a damn fine woman. Need you there with us. Need to keep you with us.”
“You’re wrong. I will remember, because Gibbs, I wanted that. I wanted it. And I want it again and again.Damn you! Why’d you have to make yourself at home in my psyche anyway? I could have done fine, but there you were with headslaps and life lessons and dammit making me a better investigator. And somewhere along the line I fell for you, Gibbs. Not in a boss and subordinate way or authority figure way, but in a we’ve saved each others lives way and I don’t want anyone else watching my six, way. And my fuckups, latest in the long line, took a woman away from you, and if I’m not too trashed to understand, a baby too. You can’t ever respect me, and I can’t ever respect me so it’s better for me to be on the Gipper, or to just start over in another city, probably one beginning with a P would work. But…Gibbs? How do you thank the person who more than anyone else made you the man you are today? How do you…say….goodbye?”
Gibbs set his jaw, shaking his head, hating this. He hated what Tony was going through. Hated the pain Tony was in. He shook his head again before he spoke, trying to push his emotions away.
“You don’t, Tony. You let that person do the one thing he knows how to do, protect the people he loves. I’ve done a pretty shitty job of it lately, but I won’t let you down this time.” Tony was set on leaving, but Jethro had to try and stop him. “You didn’t take anyone away from me. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I wish you’d stop punishing yourself! If you want to take the job on the boat, I can’t stop you, DiNozzo. If you want to spend a couple of years chasing down drunken sailors and running down stolen Iwhatchas, go right on ahead, take this promotion. But I need you here to have my six, and I don’t trust anyone else to do that.
“No, I don’t want that, Gibbs. But the temptation of being here… God.” Tony did the only thing he could think to do and started pounding his fist into the hood of his beloved car. “Checked out Ziva. Should have been there, Gibbs. Just as responsible as the guys who pulled the trigger, Gibbs.”
Tim, Ducky, and Abby had drifted onto the porch and when Tony started battering his car, Tim sprang into motion. He was probably the most sober of them all. “Boss? Need any help here?”
“I think I’ve got it. Just hang there for a few minutes. Might make DiNozzo reconsider what he’s leaving. Don’t want him to go.”
“Sure, Boss.” Tim hated how broken Tony was.
Gibbs refocused on Tony. “No you’re not responsible, Tony. Maybe you should have been there, but you’d be dead too. Professional hitmen don’t usually miss their target. Would have been you and Jen together. I can’t see you leaving her to go get water. Would have lost the both of you and it would have killed me. Would have lost Ziva too, and I couldn’t have done it. Couldn’t have faced another day at the office. You came home and made it possible. Can’t lose you too, DiNozzo.”
“Leaving to get water?” He sagged against his car, rubbing his hands over the new dents.
"Long story, but I know that you wouldn't have left her for any reason Tony. Would have gotten you dead, and that is unacceptable.” Gibbs stepped closer, avoiding the puddle Tony’d made on the ground next to his car. A gentle hand settled on Tony’s shoulder and Gibbs squeezed gently.
“How do I walk away from my job, Gibbs? With the promise that you’ll fix it. How?” He was getting teary again, leaning against the comforting warmth of the older man
“I told you once you were irreplaceable, you obviously weren't listening to me then. Listen now." If he thought it would help, he'd give DiNozzo a slap to try and get him to focus. "You belong to me DiNozzo, that's all you need to know right now."
“Belong to you,” Tony nodded, surrendering. “Okay, Boss. Yours. Tell me what to do. Quit, right? Move in here and do whatever…whatever.” He settled against the older man. “All vomited out, want more to drink. Sobriety is overrated.”
“I’ve got a better idea, something that shouldn’t be a problem. Take a leave of absence from work. You need to get your head together. I’ll get Duck or a friend to sign off on it. Then you can help me from here. I’m getting my team back if nothing else, Tony.” But Jethro knew it was more than that. He was going to take NCIS over by force, and there would be no stopping him in bringing Vance down. “I’m getting our lives back, and I’m going to need you to do it.”
Tony nodded, making a decision to put his life and career into Gibbs’ hands. He wrapped the other man in a tight hug. “Don’t hold that kiss against me. I was drunk, still am. Doesn’t mean I don’t have wants or needs, but I’ll try to be hands off, boss. And I know you’ll head slap me if I don’t stay in line.”
"Wouldn't be making this offer if I was going to hold it against you, Tony. Another time and place, without all of this going on, who knows. But right now, I need to stay focused." It hadn't been a horrible kiss, just unexpected and badly timed. Gibbs patted Tony’s back, rubbing it in slow circles.
Was Gibbs saying he wasn’t against being with a guy? He looked over at Ducky, who was on the porch. “We talking a psych leave of absence? Will I be employable if you can’t make it happen?”
"We're talking a break, think of it as a vacation. We only pull out the psych letter if we have to, or we can't come up with something better. But you'll always be employable as long as I have a job. That might be an issue, but then we'll figure it out. There are more agencies out there then NCIS, and half of them would kill to have the two of us working for them."
Tony nodded slowly. “Okay, Boss. I’m not feeling real trusting right now, but you I always trust. And hell..I guess I can be rent a cop. Just find me a mall where college girls hang out and I’ll be happy.” But he knew he sounded anything but.
Tony stared at the ground, releasing the older man, only a little ashamed that he was getting turned on. Alcohol never seemed to bother him as much as it did some people. Hell, it made him even hornier sometimes.
"You're not going to have to go be a security guard. With the recommendations you come with, the recruiters will be knocking on your door as soon as word hits the street you're taking time off." Jethro would make sure that a couple of well placed associates knew that Tony was a free agent, and if all else failed, the younger man would have opportunities that didn't involve cleaning the deck of a boat. "You'll be taken care of. I may not have clout in NCIS anymore, but I do know people who would love to have you on their team."
“Won’t be the same without you, Boss.” Tony knew he was pushing this point, but he had to let Gibbs know how important he was on a professional level, even though he’d already let it be known on a personal level. “Maybe I need to think about coaching or personal training or something instead. I think you ruined me for anyone else. “
“You can do what ever you want, Tony. Whatever it is, will be temporary. I’m going to get the team back together. So if you want to go coach, make sure it’s something you can do on weekends. If you start something, I’ll make sure you can finish it, but I can only cover so many Saturdays for you.” Jethro had every confidence that he’d be able to pull this off. And if he had to, he’d cover for Tony until his obligations were done.
“You’re being way too damn nice, Gibbs. Didya forget that I just came on to you? You’re just…” Tony sighed. “Drink. We both need to drink a hell of a lot more for any of this to seem like a good idea. And Gibbs? You want me to stay here, but you don’t even have a decent TV. That’s like cruel and unusual punishment.”
“You move what you need in, DiNozzo. Including your TV. Got storage out back, so anything else can go in there. You want a TV, bring it with you or get used to mine. I’ll even let you bring it upstairs if you want, although I expect you to move it again when you leave.”
Tony gave Gibbs a brief but genuine smile. “My tv will look good here. And my DVDs.”
“Just for the record, didn’t forget about you making a play for me. letting you off with a warning this time. Don’t do it again.”
Tony smile faded when Gibbs mentioned the kiss. “You’re just irresistible, Boss,” he mumbled, feeling awkward and a little confused. “Sorry, won’t happen again.”
“You’re fine DiNozzo, it’s in the past and forgotten. Just heed the warning, don’t do it again and after right now, we never have to talk about it again.”
Tony nodded, shuffling from foot to foot. “Forgotten. Done, Boss.”
Ducky wrapped his arms around Abby. “We’re all falling apart, Dearheart.”
"But we'll pull it back together again, we always do Ducky." Abby wasn't a weak woman, and it probably looked funny to someone who didn't know them, to see the smaller Ducky offering comfort, but she always felt better when he went into protective mode. "It's going to be hard, but we'll make it all better for Tony and Gibbs. It's what we do, Duck. They go out and catch the bad guys; we make it all work."
“They need us more than ever, darling,” Ducky warned quietly. “Look at the two of them, and our Timothy. He looks so lost and alone himself.” Even though losing Jenny to her tumor would have been heartbreaking, at least she could have prepared the agents and support staff. This was so sudden and devastating.
“Timmy knows he has us. He’s just empathetic, after what he went through. He doesn’t want to see anyone hurting this much, not even Tony. We’re part of the team, but we’re not agents, Ducky.” There wasn’t normally a distinction to be made, but there was one, when it came to losing someone. Jen had been one of them and she’d died in a way befitting an agent. “They aren’t just mourning the Director, although that’s a large part of it. But if it could happen to Jenny, it could happen to any of them. It was bad after Kate too if you remember back to those dark days.”
“I remember, Darling. And Christopher, and Paula.” And the countless other friends and colleagues that had passed through his tables. Ducky tightened his arm around Abby. “Timothy? Darling boy, come here.”
Tim drifted closer and Ducky wrapped him in a one-armed embrace. “Just stay close, Timothy. Just stay very close.”
"I'm okay, Duck. Just concerned. Tony's taking this hard. Harder than he should. It's not his fault; he couldn't have stopped what happened."
“For my benefit, my boy,” Ducky said softly. “I know you’re okay, Timothy. You’re so strong and brave right now. I’m so proud of you.” Ducky looked over at Jethro and Tony. “He’s broken, Dear Boy. He’s been breaking since the horrible events of La Grenouille’s death came forth. I suppose it is only natural and human for this to be happening.”
"We'll all take care of him, Timmy. Tony needs all his family around him right now. His parents are useless, so we have to fill in for them." Abby moved away from Ducky and came up on the other side of Tim. "We will be here for one another, to try and get us through all of this. We're going to be okay."
“We will, dear loves. We will be there for Jethro and Tony. They’ll understand what a formidable unit we can all be.”
“Jethro?” Ducky asked quietly. “Why don’t we continue this inside?” Ducky was shocked at how close to the edge Tony was.
Chapter End Notes:
Previously, Jenny wrote a heartbreaking letter to Gibbs, which he received after she was killed in the shootout at the diner. She explained that she had been pregnant with his baby and was dying of a medical condition. But that wasn't her only secret. She also admitted that she'd miscarried a baby during their time in Paris. Gibbs is reeling from the loss of his team and this news.
Gibbs already has his hands full but when a drunken Tony DiNozzo shows up at his door, he can't step away. He has to help Tony, who is completely shattered. The younger man kisses Gibbs in a forbidden moment. Could things get more complicated?
Oh yes they can!
In California, Mike Franks tends to a redhead everyone thinks is dead...
And the story continues...
Gibbs already has his hands full but when a drunken Tony DiNozzo shows up at his door, he can't step away. He has to help Tony, who is completely shattered. The younger man kisses Gibbs in a forbidden moment. Could things get more complicated?
Oh yes they can!
In California, Mike Franks tends to a redhead everyone thinks is dead...
And the story continues...