Innocence Lost
I miss those days and I miss those ways
When I got lost in fantasies in a cartoon land of mysteries
In a place you won’t grow old in a place you won’t feel cold
And I’ll say
Seems I’m lost in my reflection, find a star for my direction
For the little girl inside who won’t just hide, don’t let me see mistakes and lies
Let me keep my faith and innocent eyes
She won’t talk to you. Is it any wonder the way you were with her?
You could’ve told her she was just doing her job, that she shouldn’t let it affect her. But no. You told her, in the harshest way possible, to get over it. In fact, your actual words were ‘It was suicide by cop, Kate. Get over it.’ And you’re in your basement wondering why she won’t look at you for any length of time?
You’ve reasoned with yourself, that you had to be that harsh with her because she can’t feel guilty. She has to understand that it comes with the territory. If she let the death of Ensign Hayes get to her, then the guilt would eat away at her and she’d suffer, her work would suffer, and eventually she’d give up on herself and life.
You couldn’t let that happen to her. You love her too much to see her hurt like that.
*~*~*~*~*~*
When you got home, just one hour after she’d left, you found her in the living room. There was a cup of tea on the table and a blanket round her shoulders. The sight was reminiscent of the night you got together with her. You went and sat beside her, but she kept her attention on the book she was reading, telling you in short words that your dinner was in the oven if you wanted it. You tried to apologize, but she walked away.
You have to let her work through it herself. Let her understand that the way you treated her was for her own good. You want to know where she went once the case was solved. She had the chance to go to the opera with Ducky, you know she would’ve loved it, but she had vanished.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Carol came over the other night to help with the boat. Your two women seem to get along, and you like that. You would’ve hated to have Carol around if she was hated by your wife. None of your other three wives liked her all that much, then again, they didn’t know the story. You told them that she was an old friend, that you were catching up on old times. Only Kate knows. You think maybe you should call Carol and get her to talk to her.
But if you went behind Kate’s back like that, then she’d really never talk to you again.
She’s worried enough about being charged with manslaughter, about what the report will say and the fact that this little incident will go in her file. Even though she done everything by the book, it still won’t squash the fear she’s got.
*~*~*~*~*~*
When you leave the basement after spending only an hour on the boat, you find her sitting in the kitchen this time. She looks up at you with such eyes that your heart breaks. You know hers is already over the fact you could be so indifferent to her dilemma.
You want to take her in your arms and tell her that you’re sorry and that everything will be okay. You want her to believe that nothing will happen to her, she won’t be prosecuted for her actions. You want her to open up to you.
*~*~*~*~*~*
When you finally drag her out of the kitchen and up to bed, she’s half asleep. She tells you she was in autopsy, praying and grieving for someone she didn’t know. Praying for her sins. Grieving for a part of herself that died when she fired that bullet, when she learned the truth.
It all makes sense to you now, and you know there’s nothing you can do or say that will get that piece of her back. Nothing you can do to make her feel better about the situation. She went through the same process after the Suzanne McNeill incident, but you weren’t there to hold her, or comfort her or tell her she’d be fine.
You’re here now, and she’s all you need and you’re all she needs.
She’ll get through this with you beside her.
She’s finally opened up to you.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Set through Heartbreak