Je t’aime, Caitlin Todd
Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny
And you can't move on even though you try
Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel, oh I wish this could be real
Ain't it funny how a moment can just change your life
And you don't wanna face what's wrong or right
Ain't it strange how fate can play a part, in the story of your heart
He didn’t really know how he ended up there, on her way to her apartment. He had just hailed a cab and told the driver her address, not focusing on the turns or the traffic. He knew there were reasons why he shouldn’t be doing this, why he shouldn’t be invading her private life and her home, but he had to make sure she was okay. That’s what he was telling himself anyway.
The car came to a stop outside an attractive apartment block and again he doubted if his actions would be appreciated for what they were. Gibbs wasn’t exactly known for his caring, nurturing nature. It was more Kate’s area of expertise and it was usually herself who dealt with that side of life.
He stood on the sidewalk for a moment, letting the rain wash over him and drown out the guilt he felt for not getting to her sooner, for not protecting her better. He looked up to the sky, the soft rain dropping into his face and he caught sight of the light glowing from a window on the second floor; hoping and assuming it was her light.
He took the stairs slowly, running through a choice amount of scenarios in his head before he actually reached her door. She could tell him she was fine and hope he would accept it. Or she could break down in front of him and still tell him she was fine. And then there was the chance that she wouldn’t say anything, just wait for him to explain what he was doing there.
But now was not the time for second thoughts.
He knocked on the door and waited for her. He half expected her to ignore it, remain locked inside where he assumed she’d feel she was safe. With no answer, he knocked again and again he waited. Just as he was giving up and turning to head back downstairs, the door opened and revealed to him the worrying sight of a slightly dishevelled young woman.
The pink top and grey pants she’d worn that day had been replaced with an oversized NCIS t-shirt and red sweatpants. The brunette locks that framed her face were held back in a loose barrette, leaving only her bangs to brush her eyes. Red rimmed eyes that betrayed her apparent coolness and nonchalance. Eyes that tonight she couldn’t hold to his, pulling them away almost instantly as if defeated or weakened. Perhaps ashamed. The quick glance he’d got of them showed she wasn’t at all surprised to see him, more relieved than anything else.
An intensely defined shadow hung over her as she stood in the doorway, one Gibbs recognised to be denial and self-loathing. Her young skin and youthful appearance declared tonight that she felt anything but young and youthful. Her natural beauty had been replaced with distinct melancholy and perhaps just a little anarchism.
The day had already been proven to be one for breaking all the rules, and the conflicts, doubts and second thoughts Gibbs was having were swiftly pushed aside when he seen how thoroughly devastated Kate was by all the events that had occurred; why not break just a few more.
Crying women weren’t exactly his forte, one of the things he found least pleasurable in all the world was sitting with a crying woman, but he wouldn’t be able to hold back if Kate suddenly broke down in front of him. She was his agent and his friend and if she needed someone, then there he was.
She waited for him to say something, to ask to be allowed in, or to question her in the doorway. The words never came. Finding the last ounce of strength in her being, she raised her head to look at him, hoping to find an answer to his appearance at her home in his eyes or face but there was none. She couldn’t find her own voice to ask the questions, to find the answers, instead she dropped her head to her chest again and half-heartedly wiped away to tears that were slowly running down her cheeks.
Upon arriving home, after writing her report and answering a barrage of questions from Tony, Kate had stripped of her clothes and stepped into the shower in the hopes of finding some clarity in the hot water, of dispersing the feeling of unwanted hands running so free over her body. When she felt cleaner, and slightly saner, she’d dressed and sat on her bed for at least thirty minutes in delayed shock.
It was after eleven when she’d left the confines of her room, knowing she wouldn’t find peaceful sleep and had pulled the unopened bottle of wine from the cabinet. She’d moved about her small living room as if it was an ordinary night; mindlessly surfing through TV channels hoping for a distraction that she couldn’t find, turning on the radio in the hopes of drowning out her fears in a song which she never heard. In the end she’d simply sat on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and cried.
The wine, whether it had been red or white she couldn‘t remember, had only lowered the limit to which she normally allowed her emotions to go and as soon as the first tear had fell from her eyes the rest soon followed. She’d never been in that position before, where she’d had the chance to do something, but had been left powerless and defenceless.
“Kate?”
It was one word from him, but it helped somehow. It dragged her from the instability of her memory, that somehow was still playing on a loop the events that had happened tonight, and made her function more normally. Still unable to find her voice, she simply nodded and opened the door wider, moving back to the sofa as he walked in and locked the door behind him.
He joined her silently, she sitting at one end of the sofa with her knees pulled up to her chest and the blanket around her shoulders, and looked at the coffee table that was littered with tissues and an empty bottle of wine. Gibbs knew she needed to talk about what had happened because if she didn’t, she was likely to explode and he needed Kate more than he cared to admit. He needed her strength when he was weak just like she needed his. He’d seen her cry once before, but she’d quickly set that aside and became the professional again. He wasn’t so sure it would be as easy as that this time.
“What are you doing here, Gibbs?”
Her voice was quiet and hoarse, ever so slightly quavering, lacking it’s usual bright, laughing tone. They had both been hurt tonight, that was more obvious on him than her, but Kate had gone through more than he had the mind to sincerely acknowledge.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Seems I should be asking you that.”
Her gaze was transfixed on his left arm and shoulder, which was currently bandaged and strapped up. It was painful and the change in the weather wasn’t helping that ache, but it hurt him more to see Kate so down. He watched her again, more intently this time, as she crossed her arms over her chest, her hands grabbing hold of her elbows which were violently shaking. He feared that she’d been shaking like this since she’d got to the sanctity of her apartment and that it was slowly worsening.
“I’m fine, Katie. How about you?”
“I’m okay.”
She waited to see if he was going to contradict her, tell her she was anything but okay. Tell her that being locked away from the world with a bottle of wine was a sure sign that things were far from fine. But he didn’t. He was waiting for her to come to him, for her to accept the fact that she wasn’t fine and that he was there to make sure she would be. With a heavy sigh, she lowered her head back to her chest. She’d learned long ago that Gibbs had a way of getting information from her, whether it be pertinent to the case they were working or just for his own personal use. What he did with the information he gained from her when it had no correlation to a case she didn’t know, but was also keen to find out.
It took her a while of bittersweet contemplation if what she was about to reveal would be used as identifying who she was as an agent, or if it would garner her sympathy. Five minutes of silence in which she recalled the brutal details which she had so vehemently tried to erase from her mind and body through a hot shower. She knew it would hurt her more if she didn’t talk about it, if she kept to herself what she had witnessed and felt, but whether relaying it to Gibbs would help or not was something left unseen. It was with another shuddering sigh, that betrayed her slowly weakening mindset that she slowly opened up to her boss.
“In his eyes…there was this look…he could have had me. He made sure I knew it.”
“What look, Katie?”
“Want. He wanted me. I felt it when he touched me, and seen it when he looked at me. He could’ve…”
The rest of her words were drowned out when the sob she had been so confident in holding back was ripped from her throat, but Gibbs knew what the rest were. He was momentarily stunned when the meaning of her words sunk into his brain and he knew, for Kate being a profiler, that what she had seen and felt was probably pretty accurate to what the man was thinking.
Without thinking about it, he moved his body closer to hers and pulled her into him with his good arm. She went willingly to him, burying her head in his shoulder and neck, drowning out her sobs, safe in the hope that he wouldn’t let go anytime soon. Her pain and fear tore through his heart as he felt her wrap her arms around his waist; he only wished he had two good arms to wrap around her more securely but settled for second best by resting his chin against her forehead where he was able to plant reassuring kisses.
It was a good hour of silence, letting her cry it out, passing her tissues and stroking her hair, which had eventually came loose from its binding, before she calmed enough to form a coherent sentence. She had cried in front of him before and no longer had any qualms now, especially now, despite knowing how much he didn‘t like being around crying women.
She shifted slightly in his arm, pulling back enough to look at him and offer an apologetic smile. His eyes didn’t show any signs of respecting her any less, and she didn’t feel pathetic or ashamed. They were simply shining with warm affection, which she’d never seen in him before, and determined revenge.
“I’m sorry, Kate.”
As silly as it seemed, Gibbs’ apology prompted a small laugh from Kate. Whether he’d said it to evoke this in her, or whether he meant it or both, it was disturbing to Kate to think that tonight had also affected him as much as it had her.
“Thought you said ’never apologise’.”
“I can make allowances for you. How are you feeling now?”
“Better. Thank you for this. How about you? Bar the obvious.”
“Bar the obvious, I am absolutely terrified.”
His statement pushed Kate to oblivion as she knew Gibbs never admitted any of his weaknesses and she felt her jaw drop open. It seemed to provoke something inside her, something she’d never felt before, and it was like she had a stronger connection to this man than she had first thought. He left no room for her questions before he pushed on, explaining exactly why to her. This too left Kate’s mind spinning as he never explained his actions either.
“I thought I’d lost you tonight. When we realised you were down there, I swear my heart stopped. It scared me knowing you were down there, not knowing what he could do and equally as scared knowing what you could do. It was only today that I realized what you do to me. What you have been doing to me since I met you; you make me feel free. I don’t ever want to feel as scared as I did today. I’m falling in love with you, Kate, and I don’t want to lose you.”
The tears that were streaming down her face were of slight shock at the idea that this man, after all these months of debating with herself whether he did or not, was admitting to her what she’d dreamed of hearing. And this slightly scared her as well.
“Jethro…I’m glad to know I’m not alone. And you never have to worry about losing me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“That’s good to know.”
She was as close to him as she could get, but that didn’t stop Kate from moving closer to him. She raised a still visibly shaking hand to his cheek, her thumb running under his eye as her way of erasing the tiredness he was exhibiting. She gave him another smile, softer than before as an unspoken endearment to him. She leaned in slightly and he completed the distance, smiling at her as he did so.
As much as they wanted to take their kiss further, with Gibbs current predicament it would be relatively hard. They were also mentally and physically drained from everything and it wouldn’t bode very well if either fell asleep.
Kate pulled back, resting her forehead against his briefly, sighing almost contemplatively. There was something with this scenario that troubled her, but she pushed the worries to the back of her mind in order to focus more on the situation at hand. Moving back to look at Gibbs more fully, she sighed again, this time more content with everything.
The unspoken worry that danced in her eyes was obvious to him, both fully aware that they were equally as bad at relationships, neither in the past year having a serious relationship with anyone except their work.
“I can’t offer you the moon or the stars. I’ll forget your birthday. I’m not the most easiest person to get along with, but you already know that. I don’t want to hurt you, Katie, but I can’t change what I am. All I can give you is what’s in front of you; a thrice divorced, work dependent, self proclaimed bastard.”
“That’s all I could ever want from you. I’d never want you to change; you wouldn’t be you unless you drank a million coffees a day, yelled for no reason and stayed at the office twenty four hours a day. That’s who I fell in love with.”
“We should probably take this slow.”
“I agree.”
Kate moved again so that her legs were over Gibbs’ and she was leaning against his shoulder. They stayed this way for quite some time, detailing to each other when they both figured out when they felt things for each other and what would happen at work. They both agreed they’d wait until Gibbs shoulder was fully healed before delving into any intimacies and it seemed to suit them both pretty well to stick with kissing like hormone riddled teenagers for the next six weeks.
Gibbs wasn’t quite ready to tell her about Shannon and Kelly, just as she wasn’t ready to tell him about her father, James. Occasionally, when there was a lull in their conversation, Kate would feel Gibbs watching her and when she tilted her head back, he would kiss her. Whether it be her forehead, nose or lips, he kissed her.
The hand that Gibbs had wrapped around Kate’s waist, was suddenly entwined with hers as a new song filtered through the speakers of the radio. Whether it was chance or coincidence, of which neither seemed to believe, the words of the song seemed fitting to who they were and what was currently happening between them. What had been happening between them for the past six months.
I don’t know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never wanna let you go
Cause you started something, can’t you see
That ever since we met, you’ve had a hold on me
It happens to be true; I only wanna be with you
Kate giggled thoughtfully as she turned again from Gibbs’ hold. Sitting beside him, she leaned in and kissed him gently, running a hand through his hair in the most affectionate of gestures.
“I think this song, is us.”
“Yeah.”
Kate leant in and kissed Gibbs again, who returned it with a passion. She pulled back further this time, away from his hypnotizing hold, when she realized how late it was and knowing at least one of them had work in the morning. Knowing Gibbs, however, a busted shoulder wouldn’t keep him from the office, determined to at least start the search for their intruder. It was too late for a cab, and she knew she’d never find sleep alone tonight, so she tentatively decided to voice a thought that had been annoying her since his impromptu arrival.
“Will you stay?”
“For as long as you want me.”
“Well in that case, you’re never leaving this apartment.”
Standing, Kate turned off the TV and radio before returning to Gibbs and outstretching her hand to him, which he took and intertwined their fingers once again. She waited patiently for him to stand while he remained where he was, quite happy to take in her beauty and the nervousness that was still in her eyes. When he did finally stand, there was a smirk on his lips that made Kate want to question his motives.
“What you thinking?”
“That in six weeks…I get to find out if I was right about your tattoo.”
Kate’s giggles had been coming more frequently all night, and this invoked a real laugh from her, which Gibbs was proud to have brought out from her. She simply smirked back and led him toward her bedroom.
“Well, I don’t know about my tattoo, but tonight you’ll see that your rules have indeed been crocheted onto my pillows.”
Gibbs laughed himself, which shocked Kate as she’d never really heard him laugh and found that she quite liked it. She hoped that in the future, she’d not only be able to make him laugh more, but also make him smile, and say sorry, please and thank you more frequently. He’d proved to her that he was quite capable of doing so, but only for her and Abby it seemed.
She wasn’t planning on changing him, or even attempting to change him, far from it. She fell in love with a self proclaimed bastard and that’s the way it would stay. She would however, rewire him and make him live a little.
“Let’s move it, Marine.”
With a final insistent tug on his hand, she finished the journey to her bedroom and closed the door on society.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs finaly comes clean after nearly losing Kate
Chapter End Notes:
The aftermath of Bete Noire - my take on what would've happened. It all started through the J.Lo song Ai't It Funny - thank her for this chapter!