Finding life
By BHP
Kate Todd sat on the gurney and watched the EMT’s hands as he checked her over. She knew that she should feel something physical as he touched her; as he checked for injuries from the explosion, and yet the only thing she feel was how much she despised herself. She felt completely detached from all the action and movement around her. In anyone else, she would have diagnosed a severe case of shock, but she was unwilling to allow herself that type of weakness. Everything that had happened was her fault. She’d never made this kind of mistake before working for Gibbs.
She’d been so sure, when she accepted Gibbs’ offer of a job at NCIS, that she was doing the right thing. After all, she was a highly trained agent, who’d worked the protection detail for the President and never made a mistake. She’d been the best profiler on her team, and she’d never met a criminal she couldn’t out-think or mentally dissect. And now, her judgement had been the cause of the death of at least one person. She’d almost been the death of Tony and Gibbs as well. A few steps closer, and they would have been caught in the blast and she might be identifying their bodies right now. She wasn’t sure she’d have been able to deal with that. Maybe she never would be.
Nodding mechanically when the paramedic cleared her to leave, she slid off the gurney, feeling slightly unsteady on her feet. Looking around, she tried to spot a familiar face, hoping to get a lift back to the office. Seeing Tony was already gone, she turned to ask the nearest local police officer if he could suggest who to ask about a lift, only to find herself face to face with Gibbs. The look on his face wasn’t what she’d expected to see. She knew he had every right to be furious at her, and yet the look was more one of understanding than anger. The thought crossed her mind that perhaps she should spend more time on profiling her colleagues than taking cheap shots at Tony, as they seemed to be handling the day’s events much better than she was.
But first, “Gibbs, are you okay? And Tony, he wasn’t hurt?” Gibbs’ quick nod, followed by a shake of his head, was enough to satisfy her curiosity on both counts. As far as she could tell, he’d never yet lied to her, and she didn’t think he’d bother to start with something so easy to follow up on. That only left her current problem of transport to deal with. Gibbs’ hand on her back was gentle as he led her away from the scene towards his car. “Come on, Kate, I’ll take you home.” Her eyes widened at the understated tone of concern in his voice. “I’m not a complete bastard, you know. And besides, if you don’t get home, you can’t come to work tomorrow to finish up your reports.”
Kate managed to raise a tiny smile at that. Profiling her new boss was obviously way overdue, and she’d make a note to start as soon as she had a free decade to do the necessary work. He was definitely more complicated than she’d given him credit for before today. Considering that Gibbs even kept to the speed limit on the trip to her apartment, she knew she’d made another basic error in judgement by assuming that he was the simple, hard-nosed, ex-Marine he seemed. At least she could remedy this mistake. Suzanne would be dead forever.
Gibbs had walked Kate to her door, and made sure she had the door open before he left. He’d ensured that her cellphone was switched on and fully charged before leaving, and he’d made the younger woman promise to call him if she needed anything during the night. He didn’t expect her to call, but he never liked to make assumptions. That sort of thinking led to complacency, and that was often a short road to a sudden and violent end in their line of business.
He didn’t like to see any of his people suffer, but he knew that in this particular case, there was nothing he could do or say to help Kate come to terms with what had happened. He’d made a similar mistake back when he was starting out in the Marines, and he knew that Tony also harboured memories of a decision that seemed right, until everything had ended in tears. Everyone in law enforcement had their own ghosts to placate, and how you did that wasn’t something you could learn from someone else. Gibbs could only hope that Kate’s faith would make it easier for her to forgive herself and move on, without mentally debating every decision she made for months to come.
Deciding to swing past the office before heading home, Gibbs was surprised to see a light on in the section of the open plan floor that his team called home. One more step confirmed his first thought; Tony was at his desk, typing what Gibbs was sure was the first draft of his final report on today’s events. Gibbs had always been sure that Tony did his best work unobserved, but even he didn’t expect the other man to be at work now. “DiNozzo, did I not tell you to go home tonight?” At Tony’s nod, Gibbs felt his temper start to rise. “Do I stutter, then, or are you deaf?” Tony shook his head sharply, and reached to save the file he was working on. “I heard you loud and clear, boss, but I just wanted to get some of the background work done before Kate comes in tomorrow. I didn’t think she needed to be the one to investigate Suzanne’s background in depth, before we hand the final report in.”
Gibbs felt his building rage drain away completely. Tony was always such a handful on the job that Gibbs often forgot just how nice a person he could be to those he cared about. Looking for a way to make Kate’s job easier was so typical of Tony’s good nature that Gibbs realised that he’d almost started to take that nature for granted. Resolving to try to go easier on the team for the next few days, he walked over to Tony’s desk and reached out to switch the computer monitor off. “Enough, Tony. You’re no good to anyone if you’re exhausted. You need sleep as much as the next man.”
Tony gave in with a sigh and rose slowly to his feet. Picking up his backpack, he headed towards the elevator, calling back over his shoulder, “Take your own advice, boss. I’m not leaving the parking lot without you in the car.” Gibbs smiled to himself before following Tony into the waiting elevator. It would be nice to catch a quick nap in the car on the way home. It wasn’t something he did often, which made the experience all the sweeter when it happened. Trusting someone else to be in control, even for something as simple as a short drive, wasn’t something he could do easily. But Tony was different, and he was someone who made Gibbs’ life better each time the older man stopped to consider the friendship they shared.
The house was in darkness when they arrived, the unwelcoming impression banished as soon as they stepped through the unlocked front door. Inside, the rooms were filled with warmth, reflecting a side of Gibbs’ personality that many of those he worked with would have denied vehemently. The rooms were comfortable, furnished in solid wooden furniture and decorated in mellow tones. Tony knew his way around and headed off to drop his stuff in the spare room down the hall from Gibbs’ room. Not that where Tony slept really mattered, as Gibbs would probably spend the night in the basement, either working on the boat or sleeping underneath the incomplete wooden structure.
Sure enough, when Tony headed back towards the kitchen, he found no sign of Gibbs anywhere in the house. Stopping at the top of the flight of stairs leading to the basement, Tony listened to the soothing sound of a plane sliding gently over wooden beams. He could understand why Gibbs used the boat as a solace for his problems, as the repetitive motions and soft sounds were soothing even to Tony. And manual labour had never been high on Tony’s list of favourite activities. He tended more towards old movies and take-out food when aiming to relax and forget about work. Nothing really beat immersing yourself in someone else’s life and story as a way of ignoring the real world and its difficulties.
Knowing that Gibbs wouldn’t mind the company, Tony moved a few steps down the stairs and settled himself in view of the boat’s skeleton. Mentally checking off the changes that had taken place since he’d last seen the boat, he was unaware for a moment that Gibbs had stopped work to watch him. The indulgent grin on the older man’s face faded as Tony became aware of being watched and looked towards Gibbs’ position. “So, Tony, like what you see?” “I’m impressed, boss. You’ve done a lot since the last time I was here. Mind if I take a closer look?” When Gibbs shook his head, Tony moved into the basement, gently running a hand over the smoothed wood. “I’m no expert, boss, but it looks like she’ll be a great boat. I would love to go sailing when you’ve finished her.” Gibbs’ pleased smile slipped past his self-control, warming Tony’s heart. “You’ve got yourself a deal, DiNozzo. Consider the invitation a standing one.”
“Are you going to be spending the night down here, boss?” Sensing more to Tony’s question than simple curiosity, Gibbs considered his answer for a minute. Finally nodding his head, he raised an eyebrow to query Tony’s motives. The younger man seemed uncomfortable with the scrutiny, finally admitting in a rush, “I think I might go past Kate’s place. You know, see how she’s holding up.” Gibbs’s scepticism was clear to see. “I know I can’t make things any better, boss. But she deserves to know that she’s not the only one to ever make this kind of mistake. You know how you asked me if I’d ever made a mistake, and if anyone had made me feel better?” Gibbs nodded once. “Well, there was this kid, Jonathan Tillman …”
“I know all about him, Tony.” Somehow, Tony just knew he shouldn’t be surprised by that. There wasn’t anything the older man didn’t know. And Gibbs had hired him in spite of what had happened, which made Tony suddenly feel much better about his place on Gibbs’ team. “Well, then you know what happened. But you don’t know that no-one made me feel better about that; not because it wasn’t possible, but because no-one cared enough about me to try.” Gibbs’ look of surprise showed that he hadn’t been privy to that piece of information. “They blamed me for what happened, boss, and I’ll never know if I could have got past it better if someone had just taken the time to sit down and talk to me about it. I may not be able to help Kate get past this, but at least I can try. And who knows, maybe knowing that she’s not alone tonight might be enough to help her get her balance back.”
Gibbs was so proud of Tony that he almost wanted to hug the younger man. Biting back a huge smile, he stared the younger man down, pleased to find that Tony didn’t fold under his gaze. It was always easier to go into something like this with the courage of your convictions, and if Tony was willing to take him on, he had to be very sure that his decision was the best one in the circumstances. “You know you’ll have to tell her the whole story?” Tony nodded, and held out a hand to forestall any further comments. “I’ll take my overnight bag, just in case she wants some company. If she does, I’ll be back here in time to take us both to work tomorrow.”
Gibbs nodded and turned back towards the boat. As Tony passed him on the way to the stairs, Gibbs patted him on the shoulder and said, “Good man.” Jethro did his best not to notice the huge smile blossoming on Tony’s face as he left the room. A few minutes later, Gibbs heard the car start up and drive away from the house.
On the drive across town to Kate’s apartment, Tony re-considered his decision more than once. Kate already thought he was only one step up from a complete idiot, and he didn’t think she needed any more ammunition. Then again, most of his behaviour at work was a carefully constructed and maintained façade, designed to hide his uncertainties and prevent others from paying too much attention to him. Given Kate’s profiling skills, maybe she already knew that most of what she saw everyday wasn’t real. Finally convincing himself to stop thinking in circles, Tony pulled up outside Kate’s apartment block. Stifling a yawn, he reached into the car and pulled out his overnight bag and headed for the entrance, hoping that Kate would at least let him in.
Kate heard the doorbell ring, but couldn’t be bothered to answer it. No-one she knew would be calling at this time of night, and her family didn’t live close enough to visit unannounced. Whoever it was would leave when they got no response. Unfortunately, her theory didn’t pan out, as the doorbell rang again. Moving to the intercom, she activated the speaker, “May I help you?” “Kate, it’s Tony. Please let me in.” Tony’s voice was unexpected and Kate opened the security door before she thought that she might not want to see Tony right now. Unlocking the door to her apartment, she moved back to the couch and her cold cup of untouched tea.
Only seconds later, Tony tried the handle and opened the door into the apartment. “You’re not Gibbs, Kate; you should at least lock the door.” “I opened it for you, Tony. Besides, with my judgement today, I’d probably let the serial killers in and lock the police out.” Kate’s vicious tone was so sharp Tony winced. “Well, I guess that answers my question as to how you’re coping with what Suzanne did.”
“Is there something you need, Tony, or are you just here to annoy me?” Kate wanted him to leave before she lost control of the situation and said something she’d regret tomorrow. Always assuming she could bring herself to face her colleagues the next morning. “I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone, Kate. We all make mistakes in this job, and it’s just something you need to learn to live with.” Tony was earnest, but sincerity was the last thing she needed now. Compassion would only make her lose control and cry. Professionals didn’t crack under pressure, and she’d always prided herself on being the consummate professional.
“And I suppose you would be the expert on coping with failure?” Tony flinched at Kate’s tone, but pressed on regardless. “Actually, yeah, I probably am. I’m the biggest failure I know, and I’m never quite sure why Gibbs hired me in the first place. But he did, in spite of my lack of judgement, so there must be something I can’t see.” Kate’s attention was caught in spite of herself, and she gestured at the couch. “Want some coffee?” When Tony nodded and dropped onto the couch, she moved to the kitchen and made two large mugs of strong coffee. Her sixth sense told her they’d both need it before the night was over.
Settling herself next to Tony, she gave him one mug and folded both her hands around her own mug. The heat from the mug did little to chase the chill from her body, but she had a feeling that would take much longer and be much harder to do than she thought. Tony was quiet for a moment, then sighed and started to talk.
“I’d only been a policeman for a few months when I met this kid called Jonathan Tillman. He was the brother of this kid we’d pulled in for dealing drugs at the local high school. Jonathan was fourteen; really small for his age, but bright. There was nothing he wouldn’t read and he was interested in everything. His brother was bad news, but Jonathan seemed to have everything on track; he’d somehow managed not to fall into the same trap as his brother. He was on his way to a full scholarship to college, an academic scholarship at that. The first time we met, he’d come down to the station with his mother to bail his older brother out. We seemed to connect, and his mother was only too pleased to have her son making friends with a police officer. She figured it would keep him on the straight and narrow.”
Tony fell silent and Kate could see that he was struggling to find the words to tell the rest of the story. Pulling herself out of her own depression for a moment, she reached over to lay a hand on Tony’s arm. He started and glanced at her before taking a deep breath and continuing the story.
“My partner, Tom, told me that I was making a mistake by getting involved with Jonathan. Tom was convinced that Jonathan was in on the drug dealing. He said it wasn’t possible for the two boys to live in the same house and not both be involved. I argued with him for weeks about it. Eventually, we just avoided the subject altogether. It must have been three months before we arrested Jonathan’s brother again. This time he wasn’t likely to get bail, and he was most likely going to end up in prison as well. I didn’t think anything of it when Jonathan came to see his brother in the lock-up. He was an honour student and a good kid; I even let him keep his school bag with him when he went to see his brother.”
Tony laid his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. His voice filled with pain as he continued to talk. “The next thing I heard was Jonathan calling me, telling me that there was something wrong with his brother. I went back to the holding cells, and stepped in front of Jonathan to see inside the cell. That was when he stabbed me in the back.” Tony’s eyes popped open when he heard Kate’s breath catch in her throat. “Oh, Tony, I’m so sorry.” “Don’t be, Kate. I was young and stupid. The only thing worse would have been if I’d had the keys to the cell with me. I think he was aiming for a kidney, actually. I’ve still got the scar to remind me to think twice before I trust anyone again. But things really went downhill after he stabbed me.” Tony braced himself to continue. “Tom heard me yell and came back to help me. Jonathan went after him too, but Tom wasn’t as lucky as I was. Jonathan managed to cut Tom’s throat. Clever boy that he was, he’d even looked up where to aim to hit the jugular. Tom bled out on the floor in front of me. And it was my fault. If I’d only listened to him about Jonathan in the first place, Tom would still be alive. And the rest of the cops in the station wouldn’t have tried to sell me down the river with Internal Affairs for letting Jonathan take his school bag with him.”
Kate’s hand tightened on Tony’s arm. “It wasn’t your fault, Tony. Don’t you see that you couldn’t have anticipated that Jonathan would bring a knife with him?” Tony’s answering smile caught Kate completely off-guard. “Oh, I know that, Kate. Now. It took me years of tears and late-night personal hate sessions to see the truth. I wasn’t the only one in my station at fault. There were other people who should have stopped him bringing the bag in with him. I shouldn’t have been alone with him near the holding cells. But you don’t think about things like that when something goes wrong. Logic only steps in much later.”
Kate’s expression was turning to anger at the thought that she’d wasted her sympathy on someone who didn’t need it, when Tony spoke again. “Now, consider your situation, Kate. You couldn’t know that Suzanne was lying to you. Her lies were consistent and, in the circumstances, totally believable. You wouldn’t be the type of person you are if you didn’t want to believe the best about everyone.”
Kate shook her head sharply, breaking into words as Tony stopped speaking. “But don’t you get it, Tony? I could have got you all killed. I wanted to believe her so badly that I didn’t dig as deeply as I should have. I ignored things I should have questioned. And how can I be sure that I won’t screw up again?”
“You can’t be sure of anything in this life, Kate. But you’ll be more careful in future, and that’s all anyone can expect of you. You do the best you can with the information you have, and if something changes in the future, you just have to remind yourself to keep an open mind. Not everyone will always be what they seem to be, but most of the time, people really are as good as you hope they are.”
Kate sat and thought about Tony’s words for a few minutes, trying to take in the implications of everything he’d just told her. Then she thought back over her treatment of Tony since she’d met him, and the shame rose quickly. She treated him as though he was inferior to her in terms of his work abilities, and she’d considered herself a better person as well. And here he was, trying to help her. “Tony, why did you come here to tell me this?”
Tony looked slightly embarrassed and glanced away before answering. “You know, Gibbs asked me that too, when I said I was coming here.” “And …” “Well, I know how I felt, when everyone let me believe that everything that happened was my fault. No-one cared enough to sit down and talk to me about what happened. It took me years to stop second-guessing my every action. And I don’t want that to happen to you. It’s not a good way to live. You need to find something in life worth living for, and you need to be able to trust that whatever you’ve found won’t betray you in the long run.”
“Thanks, Tony.” Kate’s voice was quiet. “You’ve helped more than you know tonight.” And it was true. She still felt as though she was at fault, but that was an emotional reaction. Her logical and analytical skills were telling her that Tony was right about Suzanne, but she knew it would take time before she could fully believe the truth. At least, now, she knew that there was something beyond this night and how she felt at the moment. Perhaps now was the time to start building that trustworthy foundation for the rest of her life.
“I know I pick on you a lot at work …” Kate’s voice trailed off as Tony began to laugh. “Am I the younger brother you never had, Kate? You certainly treat me like one.” Kate smiled at that, and nodded. “I just wanted to say … I won’t use this against you, Tony. I don’t think I could have told someone about something like that just to make them feel better. You’ve got more courage than I gave you credit for.”
“In that case, let me push my luck a bit further, Caitlyn.” The teasing inflection on her full name almost made Kate laugh, but she managed to settle a stern expression on her face, and answer archly, “Yes, Anthony?” “Mind if I spend the night on your couch? I’m rather tired and I really don’t feel like driving back to Gibbs’ place now.” Kate had a sudden flash of insight into Tony’s real motives. He didn’t want her to be alone, as he had been after Jonathan Tillman had devastated his life. How had she never realised what a good person Tony really was? Gibbs obviously wasn’t the only person she should be profiling in the days to come.
Pretending to consider his request, she eventually nodded her head. “But if I hear just one rumour about how you spent the night at my place, I’ll have Abby help me hide your body.” Tony flopped back onto the couch and laughed until he couldn’t catch his breath. Finally managing to get a few words out, he spoke seriously, “Never going to happen, Kate.” His face lit up in a smile, “You think I want you to run around the office telling people about my ‘sensitive’ side? I’ll never date again!”
Kate finally joined in the laughter, certain that tomorrow would look better than she’d had any right to expect when she had left the scene of the explosion only hours earlier. Perhaps profiling her colleagues in order to understand them wasn’t the best approach to take in the future; reaching out to take the friendship so freely offered would be much easier.
Finding life by BHP
Story Notes:
As usual, all the standard disclaimers apply: none of the characters are mine, and neither is the show. I’m always pleased to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to drop me a line. (This has also been archived on FFnet.)
Author's Chapter Notes:
This takes place after the end of the episode "Left for dead" in season one.
Chapter End Notes:
As usual, all the standard disclaimers apply: none of the characters are mine, and neither is the show. I’m always pleased to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to drop me a line. (This has also been archived on FFnet.)