Abby was ecstatic. She had been processing evidence ever since she had returned from the hospital and fortunately, it didn’t take long for her to discover something that could help prove Tony’s innocence. Ziva had given her a torn rank insignia and the forensic scientist had been able to lift two sets of prints; one belonging to Lt. Matthews and the other set belonging to Captain Joseph Wells. McGee had quickly tracked down the Captain and he and Ziva had left to bring Wells in for questioning. She had volunteered to call Gibbs with a sitrep.
She waited impatiently for the ex-Marine to answer; Abby knew that he could use some good news right about now. If they could clear Tony’s name, then they all could focus on helping their friend regain his memory and his life.
“Yeah, Gibbs,” the team leader answered.
“Gibbs! I think we have something to help clear Tony!” she exclaimed.
For the first time since this ordeal began, she could detect a glimmer of hope in his voice when he asked, “What is it, Abs?”
Knowing Gibbs’ penchant for wanting her to get directly to the point, Abby began to explain her findings to him. When she finished, she had expected some form of praise from the team leader, but her expectation was met with silence. The hint of hope was now gone, replaced by a growing sense of uncertainty.
“Gibbs, did you hear what I said?” she inquired.
“Yeah, I heard you,” he replied.
“Well, isn’t it great?”
“Yeah. Be sure to call me when Ziva and McGee get back with Captain Matthews,” he instructed. “I want to talk to him.”
“All right.” Something was wrong. He had almost sounded excited just a few minutes ago, but now he sounded tired. She could sense the fatigue that seemed to be plaguing Gibbs and suddenly Abby was afraid. The Goth was scared that in the former Marine’s determination to find Tony DiNozzo, that she would end up losing Jethro Gibbs.
“Gibbs, are you okay?” she finally managed to ask.
“I’m fine, Abs,” the team leader assured her. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
Abby took a sip of her Caf-Pow, silently wishing she was there with Gibbs to bestow upon him one of her infamous hugs. She realized that he would have to make some tough decisions regarding Tony and she knew that he would try and bear that burden alone. “Gibbs?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you and for Tony,” she reminded him.
“I know and I’m sure that somewhere buried deep in Tony’s mind, he knows that as well. But right now, I’m responsible for making the decision regarding his treatment and for the first time in a long time, I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure I can help him through this.”
To hear Gibbs doubt his abilities tore at Abby’s heart. Even when Tony had been missing, he had been focused; his sole purpose was to find his missing agent. The events of the past year were now catching up with him, shattering the usual confidence of the normally stoic team leader. Gibbs had always known what Tony had needed and now he was at a loss to decide what was best for the younger agent. A simple head slap or a night in Gibbs’ basement watching him work on the boat was not going to help DiNozzo this time.
“Gibbs, if there’s anybody that can help Tony, it’s you.”
“He’s scared of me, Abby. Every time he looks at me, I can see the fear in his eyes.”
“How do you know that he’s afraid of you? Twenty four hours ago, he was living on the streets and whether we like it or not, it was his home. He’s been ripped away from that life and now, he’s being restrained in a hospital bed going through alcohol withdrawal with no memory of his past,” she pointed out. “I would be scared. You would be scared. Why don’t you expect Tony to be scared? It doesn’t mean that he’s scared of you.”
Gibbs sighed. “I guess you’re right. How did you get so smart?”
Abby smiled. “I learned from the best. Do you want me to come back to the hospital?” she asked.
“No. We need to be sure that we have everything we need to clear Tony. He’s got enough to deal with; he doesn’t need a murder charge hanging over his head.”
“Okay,” she agreed, not bothering to disguise the disappointment in his voice.
“Believe me, Abs. I don’t think Tony would want you to see him like this.”
“No, Tony wouldn’t,” she conceded. “But you have to remember that right now, he doesn’t know who Tony is; he’s Todd and Todd trusts me.”
“I know and when you’re done and we have the real murderer locked behind bars, then you can come see him.”
“But if you need me before then…”
“I’ll call you,” he promised.
“Okay, but tell Tony that I called to check on him.”
“I will.”
Before she could utter another word, Gibbs hung up. She sat down on her stool and finished the last of her Caf-Pow. “Empty,” she muttered. Gibbs would have known that she needed a refill and would have been in her lab with Caf-Pow in hand before she had taken the final sip. Abby longed for the day when things would be back to normal at NCIS. Gibbs would be head slapping Tony for some smart aleck comment, Tony would be torturing McGee and flirting with Ziva, and she would be surrounded by her family. She was beginning to wonder if that day would ever come.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Ducky had just finished the autopsy on Lt. Matthews, determining that the cause of death was a gun shot wound to the chest. There had also been some bruising noted on the officer’s arms as if he had been involved in a struggle of some kind, but the rest of the body had been in pristine condition. Palmer had just left to take the bullet to Abby for testing and now he was awaiting the blood analysis results. He sat down at his desk and began to peruse the initial findings that Palmer had completed at the crime scene, hoping that he could find something that would help in proving Tony’s innocence.
His thoughts turned to Tony. The ME was aware that the young man was headed down a difficult road and his heart ached for his friend. Alcohol withdrawal was not a pleasant experience but the true challenge would be for Tony to overcome the psychological dependence that was created by the alcohol. Ducky shook his head and sighed. “Oh my dear boy, you have a hard journey ahead of you, but you’ll have us to help you along.”
The doctor thought back to his last conversation with Tony DiNozzo. It was the morning before he was going on his last undercover assignment. Despite Gibbs’ orders from the previous night to go home and rest, Tony had come back to work around midnight and had finished up some paperwork that he claimed needed to be done. Ducky had come to work about 6:30 the next morning to find DiNozzo curled up on one of the autopsy tables.
***flashback***
The elderly doctor turned on the lights as he entered the room. He had intended on coming in and finishing the autopsy that he had started yesterday, but instead, Ducky found himself staring at the sleeping form of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. Hanging up his coat, he made his way to the table and gently called out to the young man. He had learned the hard way that it was best not to startle Tony from a deep sleep; the last time he had made that mistake, he had ended up with a broken nose, for which DiNozzo was still apologizing for several years later.
“Tony?”
The agent stirred slightly as Ducky called out to him again. “Tony? It’s Ducky.”
Tony opened his eyes and smiled at the ME. “Hey, Ducky,” he sleepily greeted. “What time is it?”
“It’s a little after 6:30 in the morning. Have you been here all night?”
Ducky helped Tony sit up on the edge of the table. He immediately noticed how tired the senior field agent looked and he wondered if it this upcoming undercover operation was a good idea. It hadn’t been that long ago that DiNozzo had jumped into freezing water to save Jethro and Maddie Tyler; Tony had been sick for several weeks after that, claiming that he just had a cold. No one, including the stubborn agent, seemed to understand how damaged his lungs had been from the plague and that Tony could only subject his body to so much mistreatment before he began to suffer the irreparable consequences.
“Is Gibbs here yet?” Tony asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“Good.”
“So, tell me why you’re here, Anthony. I explicitly remember Gibbs instructing you to go home and get some rest and yet you’re here.”
Tony shrugged. “I went home for a while. Watched some Magnum, but I couldn’t sleep. So I figured I’d come in and catch up on some work and…”
“And you never went back home,” Ducky finished.
“No. I went to Abby’s lab to leave her something and then I came here and it was so…peaceful. I decided to lay down for a minute but I guess I went to sleep. II really didn’t mean to, but you know how it is. Do me a favor and don’t tell Gibbs,” Tony pleaded.
“On one condition,” the ME said.
“What’s that?”
“You tell me what’s really bothering you.”
Tony looked down at the floor. “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”
“Because I know you, Anthony.”
Ducky waited patiently for DiNozzo to organize his thoughts. He had learned over the years that when it came to personal matters, Tony preferred to keep them buried under his frat boy persona. Most of the time it didn’t bother him that people didn’t attempt to look under the mask that the young man wore so efficiently, but every once in a while, Ducky could see something in Tony’s eyes that betrayed the senior agent’s true feelings.
“I’m not sure I can explain it.”
“Try,” the doctor urged.
“I guess I’m a little nervous,” DiNozzo finally admitted.
“What on earth for? This isn’t your first undercover assignment.”
“No it’s not; but it’s the first one since I blew the La Grenouille op all to hell.
“I don’t believe the blame solely lies on your shoulders.”
“Yeah well, that’s a matter of opinion. Anyway, I guess I just feel like I’ve got to prove myself all over again, especially to Gibbs.”
“Anthony, you have nothing to prove to anyone. You are one of the best agents I’ve ever worked with, your instincts and abilities parallel Jethro’s. Don’t start doubting yourself now; your mind needs to be focused on the task at hand.”
“I know. I can’t help it. I guess going undercover as a homeless person is dredging up some bad memories and maybe I’m a little sensitive,” Tony attempted to reason. “My father always said I’d end up in the gutter and it looks like he’s right.”
Ducky placed his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “And since when did you start listening to anything that bastard ever said? You wouldn’t be doing this if Jethro didn’t think you could do it.”
“I know and I keep telling myself that,” Tony said. “I just…”
“Then tell me what you’re really worried about, Tony. You know you can trust me.”
The ME knew that this was the pivotal moment in their conversation, the moment where Tony would either trust him or slip his mask back on. “Tony, please,” he gently pressed.
The elderly man smiled when DiNozzo nodded. “I just have the feeling like I’m never going to see you guys again,” Tony stated. I feel like once I go undercover as Todd Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo won’t be coming back.”
“Nonsense, my boy. You’ll come back to us and in one piece I might add, because if you don’t…”
“Gibbs will kick my ass,” Tony finished.
“Precisely.”
Ducky took a step back as Tony hopped down off the table. “I better go and get ready. I appreciate the ear, Ducky.”
“Any time, my boy and remember what I said.”
“I will, Ducky. Thanks.”
He watched as the younger man headed towards the elevator. “Tony?” he called out.
DiNozzo stopped glanced back over his shoulder at him. “Yeah?”
“If you have any doubts about carrying out the assignment, maybe you should talk to Jethro,” Ducky suggested.
“No, I’m good,” Tony quickly replied. Too quickly in the ME’s opinion.
“Tony, please just consider…”
“Ducky, I’m fine. Don’t worry and please don’t say a word about any of this to Gibbs.”
“I already told you that I wouldn’t. I would never betray your confidence.”
“I know, Ducky. Thanks.”
“Take care of yourself, Anthony.”
“You too, Ducky.”
Ducky patted Tony on the shoulder. “There’s one more thing I want to ask you, Tony.”
“What’s that?” the agent inquired.
“You said you had to leave Abby something. What was it?”
The agent tiredly grinned. “Nothing of any importance. See you later, Ducky.”
The doors closed leaving the medical examiner alone with his thoughts. There were still some secrets that DiNozzo would never disclose and he had to accept that the box he left with Abby every time he went on a long term undercover operation would remain a secret. He had thought that maybe since Tony was in such a reflective mood, that he would divulge the contents of the box, but obviously today was not going to be the day of revelation.
***end flashback***
He wished that he had gone to Jethro that day and told him about Tony’s hesitancy regarding the undercover operation, but Tony had trusted him to keep his secret and he could not break a promise to a friend. Looking back, he often wondered if he had made the right decision that morning. Could he have spared Tony’s suffering? If he had only come forth with his doubts and concerns, maybe Tony wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life?
Ducky reached in his drawer, pulled out a bottle of scotch and poured himself a drink. As he raised the glass to his lips, he stopped short of taking a sip. What was he doing? Is this how Tony started? Was one drink all it took to push DiNozzo over the edge? He set the glass down; suddenly the thought of taking a drink wasn’t so appeasing.
The ME sighed in frustration. “Oh Tony, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I hope that one day you can forgive me for not being a better friend.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Gibbs sat in the chair next to Tony’s bed, afraid to move for fear of waking the younger man. It seemed that every noise or movement startled DiNozzo out of his restless slumber and it would take quite a while before Tony would allow his eyes to close again. Even when he was supposedly asleep, Tony’s movements were constant, preventing his senior agent from truly resting. The young man was constantly pulling against his restraints and the team leader could only imagine the bruises that Tony would have when the restraints finally came off.
Earlier when Tony had come around, he had informed him that Abby had discovered something that would hopefully clear his name, but he doubted that DiNozzo even remembered the conversation. Although he was being sedated, Tony was still experiencing the side effects of alcohol withdrawal. Gibbs studied the man before him, silently wondering how much more Anthony DiNozzo could withstand.
The ex-Marine vowed that when Tony was better, he would hunt those responsible for DiNozzo’s pain. He would make them suffer and no one would be able to stop him. Gibbs not only made that promise to himself, but to Tony as well.
Gibbs stood up as Tony began to stir, his soft moans quickly transforming into shouts of desperation.
“Make them stop!” Tony begged. “God, it hurts! Make them stop!”
Gibbs began to smooth back DiNozzo’s sweat-soaked hair. “Todd, I need you to listen to me. I know it hurts, but…”
“You don’t know anything!” Tony screamed. “Make them go away! They’re biting me.”
“What’s biting you?”
“They’re crawling on me and biting me,” Tony gasped.
Gibbs glanced up at the monitor as Tony’s heart rate began to increase. “What is it, Tony? What do you see?”
“Snakes! God, I hate snakes! Get them off of me! I’m gonna die!”
“No you’re not Todd. You’re not going to die. Now listen to me!” Gibbs demanded.
“Go to hell!” Tony let out a blood curdling yell as Gibbs held down his shoulders to prevent DiNozzo from inflicting further damage to himself.
The nurse and the doctor came running in. “What happened?” Dr. Cole wanted to know.
“He’s hallucinating again,” Gibbs explained. “Only this time it’s snakes instead of roaches.”
“Get them off!” Tony cried..
“Just hang tight, Todd and you’ll feel better in a few minutes,” the physician stated with confidence..
Gibbs watched as the nurse injected what he assumed to be another sedative into the IV port. Just as Dr. Cole predicted, within a few minutes, Tony had started to settle down and his heart rate was almost normal.
“How long is this one going to last?” Gibbs asked, bitterness dripping from every word.
“It’s hard to say,” Dr. Cole replied, nonplussed by the team leader’s sarcasm.
“No matter what you give him, he’s not resting,” Gibbs pointed out. “It’s like he’s fighting the urge to go to sleep and when he does finally go to sleep, he doesn’t stay that way for very long. He’s exhausted. How can he still be fighting the sedatives you’ve given him?”
“I don’t know,” Cole admitted. “Each individual is different in how they react to treatment.”
Gibbs clenched his jaw. “Treatment? You call restraining him to a bed and shooting sedatives in him treatment?”
“We…”
The ringing of the team leader’s cell phone interrupted the doctor’s explanation. He glanced at the caller ID and answered it. “Gibbs.”
“Uh Boss, it’s McGee.”
“I know.”
“Uh yeah, how’s Tony?” the junior agent inquired.
“He’s resting. What do you got, McGee?”
“We’ve got Captain Wells in the interrogation room. Do you want…?”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Gibbs said.
“When will that be?”
“When one of you gets to the hospital and relieves me, McGee.”
Gibbs closed his phone and glared at the doctor. “I want to hear more about this rapid detoxification.”
“I already gave you the information to study and you know my opinion on it.”
“I want a second opinion then.”
“Very well. I can call in another…”
Gibbs shook his head. “I have my own. Expect Dr. Donald Mallard in your office within the hour. When I get back, I want some answers.” He pointed towards DiNozzo, who was mumbling something under his breath. “He’s been through enough and if there’s a way I can take some of his pain away, I want to know what it is. Do we have an understanding, Dr. Cole?”
The physician nodded. “I think you’ve made yourself perfectly clear, Agent Gibbs. Now, I have something to say.”
“What?”
“You can ask any nurse or any other physician in this hospital and they will all tell you the same thing,” Cole began. “They will tell you that my patients are my priority. Todd or Tony, whatever you want to call him is my priority and I’m not sure if it is your grief or guilt talking, but you have to realize that this isn’t about you. This is about Tony and he is my main concern. I want what’s best for him, just like you do, but maybe you should consider the fact that I may be a little more objective than you are at the moment. You’re more than welcome to have this Dr. Mallard come and give his opinion, but I have a feeling that he’ll agree with me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some other patients to check on.”
His gaze followed Dr. Cole as he left the room and then Gibbs turned his focus back to Tony. DiNozzo’s lips were still moving, but his words were random and confused..
“Todd? Can you hear me?”
“End…up…gutter,” Tony whispered. “Told you…end up…gutter. Yes sir…yes sir.”
Gibbs brow furrowed as Tony kept repeating the words ‘yes sir.’ It was almost like he was receiving orders from some one. “Todd?” he called out again.
“Didn’t mean…to…yes sir…yes sir…don’t…like…dark…no…drink…stop…yes sir…”
The team leader shook his head. “Todd, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Prove…to…you…”
“Prove what, Todd?” Gibbs pressed.
Tears started streaming from Tony’s cheeks. Gibbs took his calloused thumb and wiped them away. “Todd? What’s wrong?”
“Can’t do this…don’t tell…Boss,” Tony cried. “Don’t tell.”
Gibbs cupped Tony’s face and forced the ailing man to look at him. “Open your eyes Todd and look at me.” If DiNozzo was remembering something, he wanted to know what it was.
Tony opened his eyes and Gibbs saw the usual fear emitting from them. Maybe Abby was right, maybe DiNozzo wasn’t afraid of him, but was afraid of what was locked in the recesses of his mind.
“Please…don’t…hurt…me,” Tony rasped.
“I would never hurt you,” Gibbs said. “Do you know who I am?”
“Don’t…hurt…me…tired…”
“No one will hurt you. I promise.”
Tony shook his head and closed his eyes again. “Liar,” he whispered.
Gibbs felt as if he had been gut shot. In that one word, Tony had managed to sum up what the former Marine was feeling; he was a liar. The team leader had always prided himself in looking out for his own team, but his intentions in keeping them safe had not been enough to keep Tony out of harm’s way and now he was suffering the consequences. He had lied and even though DiNozzo couldn’t remember his own name, he knew enough to know that Gibbs was responsible for his pain.
Chapter End Notes:
Here's an extra long chapter for you since I won't get to post anything else until Monday. Real life is kind of crazy the next few days, trying to get my kids ready for school. Hope you enjoy it.