Gibbs entered the conference room to find Abby and Megan coloring as Olivia looked on, smiling proudly as she watched the Goth and the little girl work together on what obviously was a special project. The former Marine found himself wondering how long it had been since Olivia or Megan had a reason to smile. As the sound of the young girl’s laughter echoed throughout the room, he silently vowed that he would help the mother and child get back on their feet. They truly deserved a chance at a new life; no child should have to grow up in a shelter.
“Agent Gibbs!” Megan excitedly called out to him. “We’re making a card for Tony! I’m drawing a rainbow and Abby’s drawing the sun, but it kind of looks like a skull.”
“I’m sure he’ll love it,” he assured her.
“I hope so. We’ve worked really hard on it.”
Kneeling down beside the young girl, he reached up and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I can tell. You and Abby have done a great job.”
He placed a kiss on top of Megan’s head and stood up. “I’m going to arrange a place for you and Megan to stay,” the team leader announced.
“That isn’t necessary, Agent Gibbs,” Olivia protested. ‘You don’t owe us anything.”
“Yes, I do. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know.”
“Agent Gibbs, I…”
“It’s best not to argue with him,” Abby informed the mother. “He doesn’t handle it too well.”
Grinning, the ex-Marine replied. “She has a point.”
“All right,” Olivia finally agreed. “But just for the night.”
“We’ll see about that.”
“Thank you, Agent Gibbs.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
Gibbs turned to leave to make the necessary arrangements when Abby jumped up out her chair and blocked his path. “Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs!” she cried out. “I have an idea.”
“What is it, Abs?”
“Olivia and Megan can stay with me.”
“Are you sure?”
Abby nodded eagerly. “Of course. It’ll be fun and maybe I can learn something else that can help us figure out what happened to Tony.”
Gibbs pulled the Goth into a hug. “Thanks, Abs,” he whispered in her ear.
“We’re going to get him back, Gibbs,” Abby vowed. “You’ve got to believe that.”
“I hope so, Abby. I hope so.”
Placing a kiss on Abby’s cheek, he left her to attend to Olivia and Megan. The mother and daughter were in good hands; he could rest a bit easier knowing that they were taken care of. Not that he was going to rest anytime soon. Not until Tony was better.
Gibbs got in his car and headed towards the hospital. He had intended on letting Ziva stay the night, but he was now considering sending her home. He had searched a year for DiNozzo, for his son, and now that he had found Tony, it still seemed surreal. The team leader was constantly struggling with the fear that he would wake up and discover that everything had been a dream.
He had failed Tony once and he would be damned if he would fail him again. DiNozzo had always had trust issues and it had taken a long time before Tony had let his guard down around the ex-Marine. Gibbs wondered how long it would take to regain the trust that had been destroyed by the cruelty of an unknown assailant.
The team leader cursed as he hit the steering wheel with the palm of his hand. It wasn’t fair that Tony was in the hospital drying out with no memory of his former life; he deserved better than that. Sometimes it felt like his senior agent wore a target on his back and that there were an endless stream of people standing in line to take a shot.
“Tony, what am I going to do with you?” he mumbled to himself.
“A few well placed head slaps are probably in order.”
Slamming his brakes on, Gibbs looked around for the source of the voice; if he didn’t know better, he would swear DiNozzo was in the car with him. But that was impossible; Tony barely remembered his name. Ignoring the blaring car horns as several cars swerved to miss him, he pulled the car over and shut the engine off. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he considered the possibility that he was losing his mind.
“You’re not going crazy, Boss. You wanted to talk to me, so here I am.”
Gibbs laid his head against the headrest. The voice he was hearing belonged to Tony, but the former Marine knew that he was alone. He had to admit that he was tempted to carry out the conversation that was trying to take place in his mind.
“Ah, the hell with it,” he growled. The team leader decided that he just wouldn’t mention to anyone that he was having a conversation with his imaginary senior field agent. “Glad you’re here, DiNozzo.”
“Where else would I be, Boss?”
“Right now, you’re drying out in the hospital.”
“Yeah. Taking that first drink wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made. Sad thing about life is that there are no do overs; maybe if there were, I wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Gibbs shook his head. “This isn’t your fault, Tony.”
“Sure feels like it.”
“Why are you always so quick to accept the blame?”
“Years of conditioning.”
That comment would have normally earned a head slap, but Gibbs knew that he was right. It was drummed into DiNozzo at a young age that he was responsible for everything that went wrong in his father’s life. Now, he was accepting the blame for something that he had no control over.
“It’s not your fault,” he forcibly repeated.
“Then whose is it?”
“The bastards who did this to you” the team leader snapped. “The blame lies with them.”
“Whatever you say. I just wish I could remember.”
“You will, DiNozzo.”
“When?”
He shrugged, unsure of how to answer Tony’s question. “I don’t know, Tony. I guess you’ll remember when you’re ready.”
“I want to remember, but…”
“But what, Tony?” Gibbs pressed.
“Every time I think I’m getting close to remembering something, it’s like my mind completely shuts down.”
“Don’t push it. Just remember that you’re not alone in this.”
“I know, Boss.”
“Tony?”
“Yeah?”
“You did good.”
Gibbs could picture the surprised expression on imaginary Tony’s face. He was well aware of the fact that DiNozzo was constantly trying to please him and when he was rewarded with genuine praise, the younger man would always seem amazed that he had actually earned a kind word.
“How can you say that, Boss? I screwed up.”
“No Tony. You survived.”
“Thanks, Boss.”
Tony’s image began to fade from the Marine’s mind. “You’re welcome, DiNozzo.”
If only reality could be so simple, but the fact remained that Tony had a long road to travel before he could even begin to expect some semblance of normalcy. But now Gibbs knew that locked within the mind of Todd Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo still existed. He started the engine and continued his journey to the hospital, with a new sense of hope that one day his senior agent would be back by his side.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Ziva sat quietly by Tony’s side, watching his every movement as he continued to battle his demons. Although he was fighting with less intensity, she knew that Tony was still struggling against an unseen force that would haunt his dreams. His attempts to fight against the restraints had lessened in severity and he was experiencing more periods of lucidity, but she knew that Tony still had a hard recovery ahead of him.
She was hoping that the worst of the withdrawal was almost over. Their last conversation had ended with him insisting that she call him Tony instead of Todd. For the first time since this ordeal began, Ziva could actually believe that Tony DiNozzo was still with them and that things would eventually return to normal.
Ziva smiled at Tony when he opened his eyes. Although he was sleeping more, he never slept for long periods of time. “Can I get you anything?” she softly inquired.
“Some water.”
His voice was still hoarse; she knew that the cold liquid would provide welcome relief. She poured some water in the cup and bent the straw towards him so he could take a sip.
“Thank you,” he said, his voice a little stronger.
“You are welcome.”
She leaned over him and began to stroke his beard with the back of her hand. He looked at her, his eyes clouded with confusion and doubt, emotions that she wished she could replace with happiness and assurance.
“Are you sure…we aren’t together?” he asked again.
“I am sure. We like to tease and flirt, but that is as far as it goes. We are partners at work, not in a…personal sense,” she tried to explain.
“I must be…an…idiot.”
“Why’s that?”
Tony licked his lips, prompting her to give him another sip of water. “Never mind,” he mumbled.
“It would never work. Gibbs would kill us if we broke rule number eleven.”
“Twelve,” he corrected. “Eleven is…”
“What?” she pressed, hoping and praying that he would be able to recover another memory.
He shook his head. “I don’t know what I was going to say. What is it with…these rules?”
“They are Gibbs’ rules,” she patiently explained. “I am not sure how many there are, but you seem to know most of them. I mean, you used to know most of them.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Do not apologize,” she gently chastised him. “Your memory will return; of that, I have no doubt.”
“And if…it doesn’t? What if I never…remember being Tony…DiNozzo?”
“You are already remembering bits and pieces; the rest will come.”
“Maybe I’m…a better Todd Gibbs…than Tony DiNozzo.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe as Tony, I wasn’t such a good person,” he rationalized. “But of course, Todd’s not too good of…a person either.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“You don’t know me.”
Ziva smiled at the ailing man. “Yes, I do.”
Tony shook his head. “No, you don’t.”
“Then you should tell me about yourself,” she suggested.
“Nothing to tell; I’m just…a…drunk…homeless guy.”
“I do not believe that.”
“It’s the truth. I didn’t mean to…be bad…or do…bad things. Always been more…trouble…than I’m worth.”
“Who told you that?”
She watched as Tony clenched his eyes shut as if trying to ward off an unwanted image. Ziva placed her hand on his shoulder and called out to him. “Tony? Tony, what’s wrong?”
He didn’t answer her. Ziva took his hand and squeezed it. “Tony? What do you see?” she wanted to know. “Tell me and I can help you.”
“Leave me alone!” he growled. “Don’t you know…you’ll…get hurt? Leave me alone!”
“Tony, I am fine.”
“I always…hurt…and disappoint…those who care…about me. I let…him down…I told them…what…they wanted to know.”
Ziva took her thumb and wiped away the tears that were now streaming down Tony’s cheeks. “I do not understand, Tony. Who did you let down? Who are they?”
“Go…away!” he cried out. “Please, just…leave.”
“I can’t do that, Tony. Gibbs would have my ass.”
“Please…leave…before…you’re hurt,” he begged.
“No, Tony.”
“Ziva.”
She turned to find Jethro Gibbs standing in the doorway. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough,” the team leader solemnly replied.
“I think he is remembering something, but the memory is evidently a painful one.”
“Go on home, Ziva,” he instructed.
Uncertain if she had heard him correctly, she stared at him for a moment until he repeated the order. “Ziva, go home and get some rest.”
“But I thought that you wanted me to stay the night,” she reminded him.
“I changed my mind. I’m staying.”
Knowing that there was no use to argue with the former Marine, she leaned over and placed a kiss on top of Tony’s forehead. “Tony? I have to go,” she said, her tone soft and soothing.
She felt Tony’s grasp tighten as she tried to pull her hand free. “I’ll be back, Tony,” she vowed. “I promise.”
Tony nodded and she placed a kiss on his forehead. “Feel better soon, my little hairy butt,” she whispered into his ear.
Ziva stood to leave, gesturing for Gibbs to take her seat. Sparing one final glance at Tony, she couldn’t help but feel that she was abandoning him just as he was about to have a breakthrough in his memory. She recalled how Tony’s entire body had tensed when he had heard Gibbs’ voice and how he held onto her like she was his life preserver on a sinking ship. For some reason, the ex-sniper made Tony nervous to the point that she could sense the terror radiating from her friend.
“By the way, we got the guy who murdered the lieutenant,” Gibbs called out to her. “Tony’s been cleared of the murder charges.”
“Good. Now we can concentrate on Tony.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
Ziva nodded in agreement, relieved that Tony would not have to face the possibility of a life in jail. She left Tony’s room and headed towards the elevator, hoping that he wouldn’t push too much. Tony needed time and she wasn’t convinced that Gibbs would give him the time and space he desperately needed.
Of course, the team leader’s relationship with Tony had always puzzled her; sometimes it had been difficult to ascertain if they were boss and senior field agent, brothers, or father and son. It had been evident since the first time that she had encountered the team, that Jethro Gibbs and Tony DiNozzo had a healthy admiration and respect for one another. They hadn’t been afraid to challenge each other, but yet they would have died for each other without a second thought.
One step forward and two steps back; that seemed to sum up the last few days for all of them, especially Tony. He was scared, frustrated, and uncertain of not only his past, but his future as well and despite their reassurances that everything would be all right, she knew that Tony wasn’t convinced. Maybe Gibbs would be the one to persuade him otherwise.
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