It had been a long time since Abby had tucked anyone in, especially a little girl. Olivia Carter had fallen asleep on her couch after her bath and Abby had taken great care to make sure that she was warm and comfortable. She took a moment to study the young girl, wondering if her dreams were of handsome princes and living happily ever after or if her life on the streets had dashed her hopes of a fairy tale life.
“Is she asleep?”
Abby looked up to see Megan entering the living room, now wearing one of the Goth’s sleeping gowns and a black plush robe. “She’s been asleep for a few minutes,” she quietly replied. “I see you found the clothes I left for you.”
“Yes I did. Abby, I can’t thank you enough for opening your home up to us.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
The Goth smiled at the world weary woman, whose difficult life had not diminished her gentleness. “You really mean that, don’t you?” Megan asked.
“Of course I do.”
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“I know, but I wanted to. It was the least I could do after all you’ve done for Tony,” she reasoned.
“We really didn’t do much. We just tried to look out for him, just like he tried to look out for us.”
“You cared,” Abby pointed out. “That’s a lot more than most people do.”
“Todd, I mean Tony is very special to you isn’t he?” Megan observed.
“Yes he is,” she admitted. Tony held a very special place in her heart. While neither would ever cross the line of lover, their shameless flirting and constant teasing had forged a friendship so deep that it couldn’t be defined by mere words. He was more than a friend and closer than a brother.
“We’ve known each other a long time,” Abby told her. “I think he knows everything about me there is to know, just like I know everything about him. We would spend hours after work either clubbing or sometimes we would just sit around and watch movies and gorge ourselves on pizza, beer, and ice cream, talking about everything from sex to our childhood memories. He used to tell me that he could be himself around me; you know, drop his guard.”
“I know what you mean,” Megan said. “He would talk to me and Olivia for hours, but he was so agitated around anyone else. People just started avoiding him, calling him crazy among other things. He would always sit where he could watch the door. Sometimes I thought he was looking or waiting for someone and other times, I thought maybe he was hiding from someone.”
“He was scared,” Abby stated.
“Yes, he was. I have a feeling that fear is an emotion that Tony doesn’t welcome.”
“He doesn’t show it often, but there have been a few times I’ve seen Tony afraid,” she recalled. “I think he’s scared now.”
“I can only imagine what he’s going through. Olivia used to fuss at him for drinking so much, but he would just tell her that it helped him to forget.”
Puzzled, Abby asked, “Forget what?”
“I don’t know. All he ever said was that drinking helped him to forget what he had done.”
“You don’t know what he meant?”
Megan shook her head. “No. One time right before he passed out, he mumbled something about not meaning to tell; I’m not sure what he meant.”
“Once he starts feeling better and the alcohol is completely out of his system, he’ll start remembering more,” Abby insisted.
“I hope so. I’d really like to see him get his life back. He’s a good man and deserves to be happy.”
Abby smiled at her new found friend. “I’m glad you were there for him.”
“Me too,” Megan whispered. “I just wish we could have done more.”
“What do you mean?”
She noticed that Megan’s hands were beginning to tremble. “There were nights that he would wake up screaming as if he were in agony,” the young mother quietly sobbed. “I would try and wake him up from his nightmare but sometimes, all I could do was hold him while he begged for the pain to stop. Whenever he woke up, it took him a while to realize that he was safe. I would let him go sit in the corner because I could tell that he wasn’t comfortable with being held.
“He finally stopped sleeping at the shelter after awhile, unless he ended up passing out there,” Megan continued, her voice a little stronger. “I would get really worried when I wouldn’t see him for days; I guess I had a tendency to assume the worst.”
Abby could feel her own eyes welling up with tears; the thoughts of what Tony must have endured made her shudder. She had witnessed his nightmares many times, but he very seldom would cry out; most of the time, he was trying to be quiet for fear of repercussion. His father had instilled in him that DiNozzos didn’t cry and the sight of tears usually had resulted in a humiliating punishment for Tony.
“Well,” she sighed, pushing those memories to the back of her mind. “Tony’s in good hands now and he’s going to get the help he needs. Gibbs will make sure of it.”
“I have a feeling that you’re right. Maybe Agent Gibbs was the one Tony was always looking for when he’d stare at that door for hours.”
“That’s very possible. He and Gibbs have always had this special…connection. Abby didn’t bother to offer any further explanation. It was difficult to explain something that you didn’t fully understand yourself. “I guess we better get to sleep,” she suggested.
“Yes,” Megan agreed. “I didn’t realize how late it was. I hope I didn’t keep you up too late.”
“Are you kidding? Why do you think I drink all those Caf-Pows?” she teased.
“Good night, Abby and thank you again,” Megan said as she laid down on the cot beside the couch.
“You’re welcome and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to wake me up.”
“You’ve done enough already.”
“No, I haven’t.”
A few minutes later, Abby was lying in her coffin, thinking about how Megan and Olivia had so selflessly tried to help Tony. There had to be some way that she and the others could thank them for taking care of their friend. If it hadn’t been for the mother and her daughter, Tony would more than likely have ended up dead.
As she drifted to sleep, she began to formulate a plan in her mind. She had the perfect way to show Megan and Olivia how grateful she and the others were; all it would take would be for Gibbs to set the wheels in motion.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He listened to the soft breathing of the man sitting in the chair beside him. Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs had remained by his side, just as he had promised. Although he couldn’t remember Gibbs, he had a feeling that the agent was a man of his word. If only he could be like that; to have your word count for something showed character and integrity, two things that Tony DiNozzo, as he was now called, seemed to have.
Tony. He was still getting used to that name, hoping that one day it would roll off his tongue as easily as the name Todd Gibbs had. Tony wanted to believe that he was something special to these people for them to insist that he was their missing friend, but his ability to trust had been shattered along with his life.
For the first time in several days, he could actually formulate coherent thoughts, something that he had not been able to do in quite a while. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had been sober and as the unwanted memories of his life came flooding back, he managed to remember why he preferred to stay drunk.
He drank so he wouldn’t have to face those memories. Tony wondered if Gibbs knew how much of a coward he was. Probably not, because he would never accept the fact that Agent Tony DiNozzo was scared of his own shadow.
Tony sighed as he wrapped his arms around his gaunt frame. He stared at his wrists, fascinated by the fading scars that served as a physical reminder of a tormented past; a past he had tried to drown in alcohol. He had obviously been successful in his endeavors, because he had no memory his life as Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
Sometimes images of people or places would flash through his mind, but he wasn’t sure if the memories belonged to Tony or Todd. He felt certain that Gibbs would be able to help him sort out the pieces to the puzzle of his screwed up life, but there were so many things that he would never be able to reveal; not to Gibbs, not to anyone.
Hugging himself tighter, Tony fought the urge to run. He couldn’t stand to be confined and although he really wasn’t aware of how long he had been in the hospital, he was certain that it had been too long.
“Gotta get out of here,” he mumbled to himself.
“You got some place else to be, Tony?”
He looked over at Gibbs who was now awake and studying him intently. Tony sensed that the agent was trying to see into his soul, but he knew that Gibbs would be hard pressed to find anything but blackness.
“Yeah,” he finally managed to answer. “Anywhere but here.”
“I think that Dr. Cole may have something to say about that.”
Tony shrugged. “Probably so. I just feel like the walls are closing in on me.”
“They haven’t moved since I’ve been here,” Gibbs teased.
He managed to grace the former Marine with a tiny smile, knowing that Gibbs was only trying to lighten his mood. “I…uh…just want out of here.” Tony swallowed nervously. “Please.”
“You’re still pretty weak,” Gibbs reasoned. “Your body has had a tough couple of days; you need to rest.”
“Have you ever tried to rest in a hospital?”
It was Gibbs’ turn to smile. “We’ve had this conversation before.”
Puzzled, Tony asked, “We have?”
“Yeah, a couple years ago. You had been pretty sick and you were trying to convince me to check you out of the hospital,” the team leader recalled. “Actually, you tried to sneak out a couple of times, but you got caught both times; once by me and the other time by…”
“By who?”
“Kate.”
“Oh.” Kate was Tony’s angel. She had kept him from completely losing his mind, especially these past few months when all he had wanted to do was to curl up and die. He vaguely recalled talking to someone about her, but he had never truly considered the possibility that she had been real. “Kate,” he whispered.
“Yeah,” Gibbs answered. “Do you remember Kate?”
Tony shook his head. “Not the way you do.”
“Then tell me how you remember her,” Gibbs gently prodded.
“I…uh…I can’t. Not right now.”
“Maybe later then.”
He knew that Gibbs wouldn’t forget and that they would eventually have this conversation again. The team leader was determined to make him believe that he was Tony DiNozzo and although he was allowing them to call him Tony, he still had his doubts.
“So, how about getting me out of here?” Tony wanted to know, purposely redirecting the conversation back to the original topic.
“I don’t think you’re ready, Tony.”
Tony clenched his jaw tightly. “I don’t think I asked your opinion on whether I’m ready to leave or not. I just want to leave.”
“You’re still sick. The doctor won’t go for it, Tony,” Gibbs tried to rationalize.
“I’m not asking his blessing,” Tony snapped, his anger continuing to build inside of him.
“Tony, just give it a few more days and then we’ll talk about it some more.”
“I don’t want to give it a few more days! You can’t keep me here if I don’t want to stay!”
“Tony, listen to me,” Gibbs insisted. “You’ve made it through the worst of the physical part of the withdrawal and your body needs to recover. I don’t want you leaving here before you’re ready and before you know that you have control over your drinking. I want you to trust me to…”
Tony struggled to sit up, rage fueling his weakened physical state, providing him with a strength that he didn’t know he possessed. “Trust you?” he cried out. “I’m supposed to trust you?”
Gibbs stood up, clearly taken aback by Tony’s outburst. “Tony, you need to calm down,” he urged with a forced calmness.
“Why? Because I’m supposed to trust you? Why should I trust you?” Tony could feel his body begin to tremble from the exertion, but he could no longer control the emotions that were now surfacing. Images of darkness and the feelings of fear and being alone assaulted him and he could no longer contain those voices that were screaming in his mind, crying out for release.
“Tony, I…”
“How can I trust you?” he snarled. “You left me! You left me there to die! You stopped looking and left me there! How can I trust you?”
He tried to pull away as Gibbs grabbed him by the shoulders. “Look at me, Tony!” he demanded. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! Where did I leave you?”
“You left me there! They said that you weren’t coming because I…”
Tony winced as the team leader’s grasp tightened. He began to fight against the calloused hands that were holding him down. “Let go of me!” he roared.
“Not until you answer my question!” Gibbs barked. “You said I left you; now tell me where it is I supposedly left you!”
Hot tears began streaming down Tony’s face. “With them,” he sobbed. “You left me with them! They said you…weren’t coming because I told…them everything. I told them…because you didn’t…come! I…told them everything…because you…didn’t come…”
He felt Gibbs release him as he was suddenly surrounded by nurses insisting that he calm down. Tony felt a stick in his arm and knew that within a few minutes, he would no longer care what was going on around him. His eyes locked with Gibbs’, “You…didn’t…have…my six.”
Tony could no longer fight the effects of the sedative. He didn’t hear Gibbs quietly begging for his forgiveness, nor did he hear the team leader insist on speaking to the doctor about taking him home.
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