Tony watched as Gibbs paced the room, talking animatedly on his cell phone to someone named Jenny. Whoever this lady was, she certainly had the ability to push the agent’s buttons. The older man was clenching his fist, struggling to contain the volcano inside him that was threatening to erupt. Gibbs had informed her that he would be taking some time off and apparently she had not reacted favorably. He winced as the former Marine’s voice rose to a new level, forcing Tony to tamp down the urge to run away and hide.
He wondered if Tony DiNozzo was as much of a coward as Todd Gibbs. Although, he had agreed to be called Tony, the name still meant nothing to him. He jumped when a hand gently squeezed his shoulder. Looking up, he saw Gibbs standing over him, concern radiating from his emotive eyes.
“You okay, Tony?” Gibbs asked.
“Uh, yeah. Just thinking.”
“What about?”
Tony shrugged. “Nothing in particular.”
“Seems to me you have a lot on your mind.”
“Who were you talking to?” Tony inquired, purposefully changing the subject. He didn’t want Gibbs inside his head; there were already too many voices inside his mind and he didn’t need another one adding to the mix.
“Director Shepard,” Gibbs replied.
Grateful that the agent was apparently not going to insist that he talk about his private thoughts, he allowed himself to relax slightly. “Is she your boss?”
“You could say that.”
“Sounds like you pissed her off.”
“I tend to do that a lot.”
“Do ya think?” Tony retorted.
The team leader grinned at him. What had he done now? Probably something that reminded the man of Tony DiNozzo. He was beginning to hate the man that he was supposed to be.
“Did I say something wrong?” he reluctantly asked.
“No, you didn’t,” Gibbs assured him. “I just never thought I’d be glad to hear those words thrown back at me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s not important.”
“I guess it’s another one of those things that’s supposed to come back to me, huh?”
“I don’t want to force your memories,” the team leader reasoned. “They’ll return in time.”
Tony shook his head. “What if they don’t?”
“Then you’ll just build new memories, but I promise you that I’ll do everything in my power to help you get your life back.”
“The one I was living wasn’t too bad,” he countered.
There was no mistaking the disbelief in Gibbs’ voice. “You liked living on the streets? You liked not knowing when or where your next meal was coming from? You liked drinking until you passed out?”
Tony bristled. “You don’t know anything about how I lived, so don’t pass judgment on me, Agent Gibbs!”
“I know enough. Megan and Olivia Carter came looking for you; they filled us in on a lot of things. They especially told me about how you looked out for them; that alone proves to me that Tony DiNozzo still exists, whether you want to acknowledge him or not.”
“Megan and Olivia are good people.”
“So are you,” Gibbs declared. “So are you.”
“No I’m not.”
Gibbs sat down on the edge of the bed, insisting that Tony look him in the eyes. He was reluctant to meet his gaze, knowing that the team leader had a unique ability to see through the wall that he had tried to erect around his soul. “Listen to me,” Gibbs urged. “I don’t know what’s happened to make you doubt your self worth and I hope one of these days, you’ll be able to tell me; but until then, you’re going to have to trust me.”
“We’ve had this conversation before,” Tony reminded him. “You’re asking a lot.”
“I know.”
Tony clenched his eyes in an effort to block the images that began to flood his mind. He could hear a man’s voice taunting him, telling him that he could trust no one. Wrapping his arms around himself, he got lost in the memories that had been lying dormant in the dark recesses of his mind.
***flashback***
“Let me hear you say it!” the harsh voice demanded.
“No,” Tony breathlessly whimpered.
His head was jerked backwards, forcing him to look into the hate filled eyes of his captor. “If you want the pain to stop, I have to hear you say it!” his tormentor roared.
“No, I…can’t.”
“How can you trust him, Agent DiNozzo? How can you trust the man who left you here to rot? If he truly cared about what happened to you, he would be here by now. He knows that you told us your real identity. You broke your cover and you told us all those juicy little secrets about your undercover assignment. Gibbs doesn’t want anyone like you on his team; he threw you away like you were nothing. He did the same thing to you that your father did and yet you still say you trust him! How can that be?”
“I trust…Gibbs,” he stammered. “Never…leaves…a man behind.”
“Until now.”
“He has…my…six.”
Tony fought the effects of the drugs that were coursing through his body. He wanted to scream, but the cries of agony were trapped inside his mind. Something was pressed against his lips and automatically opened his mouth, hoping that his thirst was going to be quenched. It wasn’t until he felt the burn of the liquid as it traveled down his ravaged throat did he realize that it was whiskey. It was probably that bottle that always set just out of his reach. He tried to swallow but only succeeded in becoming strangled.
He tried to turn his head, but calloused fingers held his face firmly in place as the contents of the bottle were continually being forced upon him. Tony managed to spit a mouthful in the face of the demon called Steve.
A harsh blow was delivered to his face. “You think you’re smart, don’t you, Agent DiNozzo?”
“Smarter than you,” he rasped.
His sardonic reply was rewarded with a needle prick in his arm. It wasn’t the usual cocktail that was reserved for him, this was something different. Tony felt his muscles began to cramp and he tried to curl into a fetal position, but his bonds preventing him from doing anything except laying there, struggling to escape the pain.
“Who can you trust, Agent DiNozzo?” Steve asked.
“My Boss.”
“Wrong answer.”
Despite his blurred vision, he could see Steve preparing another syringe. He knew he couldn’t hold out much longer and found himself actually praying to pass out. Tony was still at a loss to discover what these men wanted from him. So many of the torture sessions had been focused on him admitting to being Tony DiNozzo instead of Todd Gibbs; he had tried so hard to stay in character, but once he had finally broken, he quickly learned that the torment was simply just beginning. Now they wanted to destroy his belief in Gibbs and he didn’t know why.
“No more!” Tony pleaded.
“Then tell me what I want to hear. Tell me that you can trust no one!”
“Not…true.”
“Everyone you’ve ever trusted has betrayed you. Your mother, your father, your fellow police officers, Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Tim, Jethro Gibbs; do you need me to continue? You’re not worthy of their trust. They use you for their personal gain and you know I’m right. Do you think Gibbs truly keeps you around because you’re a good agent? You’re his fall guy; how could you trust someone like that?”
The names that he had just spouted off echoed in his mind. He no longer had the strength to argue anymore. Steve was right. In one way or another, they had all betrayed him in some odd way, some by death, others by using him for sordid purposes. He was so confused and he wanted someone to help him make sense of the jumbled mess within the confines of his mind.
Tears began to stream down his face. What was wrong with him that made these people who supposedly cared about him to turn their backs on him? Was he that bad of a person? Maybe he would be better off being Todd Gibbs once again..
He heard the door open as another man entered the room and stood beside Steve. Tony closed his eyes, wanting nothing more that to be left alone. The second man’s voice almost seemed distorted, as if it were being purposefully disguised, but Tony was too caught up in his own waking nightmare to notice anything about his new visitor.
“How much longer is this going to take?” the stranger demanded to know. “I need him ready by next week.”
“I think we’ve just made a breakthrough,” Steve boasted.
“You said that the last time I was here.”
“But this time, I’m sure of it.”
Tony didn’t flinch as Steve leaned over him, the syringe still in his hand. “Who do you trust?”
He didn’t answer, instead choosing to remain silent as the tears continued to escape his eyes. Tony DiNozzo ceased to exist as Todd Gibbs began to emerge. No one had ever betrayed Todd Gibbs because up until now, he was a figment of his imagination. Steve had spent a lot of time trying to get him to admit that he was an NCIS agent, now, it was Tony’s turn to convince himself that he was Todd Gibbs. He looked forward to the day where he could escape the pain of realizing that he was worthless. Todd was not going to let anyone get close enough to hurt him and he could live his life from day to day, satisfied with being a face in the crowd.
“I think we’ve got him where we want him,” Steve said. “A few more days, he’ll do whatever we want him to, no questions asked.”
“Good. I’ll be back on Friday. Have him ready,” the dark figure ordered.
“You got it.”
He didn’t dare move for several minutes after he heard the door close. The transformation from Tony to Todd had not been difficult. Todd didn’t have to live with the knowledge that he’d been betrayed by those who had supposedly cared about him. Nothing mattered anymore. A new life was awaiting him and all he had to do was get out of this hell hole.
***end flashback***
He had no idea how long Gibbs had been calling his name. Until he felt someone grab his hands, Tony hadn’t realized that he had been pulling his hair. Jerking his wrists free, he wrapped his arms around himself.
“I’m fine,” he muttered.
“You kind of drifted off,” Gibbs said. “Memories?”
Tony hugged himself tighter. “Maybe. Everything’s kind of jumbled.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not right now.”
“All right. We’ll talk later.”
The young man knew that Gibbs wasn’t simply making a statement, he was making a promise. He stared at the team leader, unsure of what to say. Thankfully, the nurse had chosen that very moment to bring him his discharge papers and instructions.
“So, I hear somebody wants to leave us,” the nurse cheerfully greeted.
Tony nodded, although at that very moment, he was having second thoughts. “Guess so,”
“All right. My name is Emily and I’m going to go over your release papers and make sure that you understand the instructions that Dr. Cole has left for you.”
“Okay.”
He didn’t miss the worried glance that she exchanged with Gibbs. They both knew that he probably had no business leaving the hospital, and though he was skeptical about staying with Gibbs, Tony knew he could no longer stand to be confined within the hospital walls. He sat up straighter and focused his attention on the young woman as she began to explain to him the importance of taking his prescriptions.
“I’ll give these to Agent Gibbs and I’m sure that he’ll help you to remember to take them,” Emily continued. “I’m also giving him a list of your follow up appointments and it’s very important for you to keep them all. After all, we don’t want to see you back here again for a long time.”
Tony rolled his eyes. Emily was just a little too perky for his tastes. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with her attempts to flirt with him. He had seen her kind walk by him too often, not wanting to acknowledge that he even existed. “If I have anything to say about it, you won’t have to worry about seeing me again,” he rudely snapped.
Ignoring his blatant hostility, she handed him a clipboard and a pen. “If you’ll just sign here, you can leave whenever you’re ready,” Emily coolly informed him.
He took the pen in his trembling hand and started to sign Todd Gibbs, but stopped after he had made the ‘o’. After a few seconds, he crossed it out and began to write ‘Anthony DiNozzo’. It was hard to believe that a simple thing such as writing his name required such great concentration.
The nurse left and he and Gibbs were alone once again. “As soon as McGee gets here with your clothes, we’ll get out of here,” the team leader stated.
“Okay.”
“Was there a reason that you were so rude to the nurse? The Tony DiNozzo that I know would have had her phone number before she had gotten through the door.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the Tony DiNozzo that you knew.”
“Yes, you are. You just don’t realize it yet.”
“I’m not the one having trouble accepting reality,” he growled.
“What reality are you referring to, DiNozzo?”
Tony swung his feet over the side of his bed. “The only one I remember. A reality where I don’t have to worry about trusting anybody.”
“Sounds lonely.”
“Actually, it’s not. At least there’s no one to let me down; I can live my own life and not worry about pleasing anybody but myself.”
“And where you can drown all your problems in a cheap bottle of whiskey,” Gibbs retorted.
Shakily standing to his feet, Tony balled up his fist. “Don’t you dare judge me! I didn’t deserve what happened to me! Don’t you see that what happened isn’t my fault? But I ended up paying the price!”
“What did happen?” Gibbs pressed.
“They took me and drugged me. They…”
Tony tightly clenched his eyes. Why was his memory suddenly going blank? It was like a wall had been erected in his mind and what he wanted was on the other side, but he couldn’t reach it.
“They what, Tony?”
“I don’t know. It goes blank. A while ago, I remembered everything, but now it’s gone. I know it sounds stupid but…”
“No it doesn’t and you’re right. None of this is your fault. When we get to the house, I’ll put a BOLO on the guys who hurt you. We’ll catch them.”
Tony slid to the floor and raked his hands through his hair. “I can’t handle this, Gibbs. I can’t handle trying to be someone I can’t remember.”
Gibbs knelt down beside him. “But you do remember, Tony. You may not realize it, but you’re getting more of your memory back day by day,” Gibbs encouraged. “You’ve just got to take it one day at a time.”
“For how long?”
“For as long as it takes.”
Tony drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head. “God, I need a drink.”
“Water?”
“Nope.”
“Coffee?”
“Whiskey.”
“Not going to happen, DiNozzo.”
“You really think you can stop me?”
The agent grinned. “Yep.”
Tony returned his smile. “We’ll see.”
“Guess so.”
“So, what’s there to do at your house?”
Gibbs shrugged. “I’m building a boat.”
“Do you live near the ocean?”
“Nope?”
“Near a lake?”
“Nope. It’s in my basement.”
“Your basement?”
“Yep.”
Tony shook his head. “Not the strangest thing I’ve heard of. Do you have a TV?”
“In the basement.”
“Sorry I asked.”
Standing up, Gibbs offered Tony a hand. “Let’s get you up off the floor.”
Tony took the proffered hand and allowed Gibbs to help him up. As he sat down on the bed, there was a knock on his door. Hoping that it was McGee with his clothes, he called out, “Come on in.”
As he looked up, he saw a petite red headed woman enter the room. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t place her face. Whoever she was, she certainly managed to have an adverse effect on Gibbs.
“I thought I told you to keep your distance,” Gibbs warned.
“I told you that I have every right to be here,” the woman replied. “After all, he’s one of my agents.”
He continued to stare at the woman as she walked over to him. “Tony, I’m Director Jenny Shepard and while I’m sure that you may not remember me, I’m…”
Visions of an exploding car assaulted his mind, nearly causing him to topple off the bed. Gibbs had mentioned her name earlier, but until he had seen her, he hadn’t made a connection. “I know you,” he whispered. “They mentioned your name.”
Gibbs grabbed him by shoulder, helping him regain his balance. “Who Tony?”
“The men who…the men who were holding me. They said something about Director Shepard…”
“Tony?”
“I don’t know. I just heard them say her name.”
“It’s all right, Tony. Take it easy,” Gibbs said.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Tony,” Jenny apologized. “I promise you that I have no idea why they would mention my name, but I will definitely look into it.”
He continued to stare at the Director, trying to recall why her name had been mentioned during his captivity. Was she someone else that had betrayed him by shattering his trust? Why could he remember her name and not his own? What part, if any, did she play during that dark time of his life? Tony laid his head on Gibbs’ shoulder, reminiscent of a child seeking comfort from his father; there were too many questions and no answers forthcoming. He began to wonder if he was going to have spend the rest of his life living a lie or if he was ever going to remember the man called Tony DiNozzo.
Chapter End Notes:
In time for the weekend! Thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoy the post!