Part 22
He could feel his taut muscles instantly relax as the hot water cascaded over his aching body. The team leader had not realized the depth of his exhaustion until he had stepped into the shower. The water began pelting his skin, temporarily washing away the stress that had been building up for the last week.
Gibbs had just gotten Tony settled in his room in hopes that the young man would be able to get some rest. The ex-Marine stifled a yawn; DiNozzo wasn’t the only one who needed to get some sleep. His sporadic cat naps at the hospital had managed to keep him going, but now, he was looking forward to several hours of uninterrupted slumber.
As much as he was enjoying his shower, he could no longer deny himself the cup of coffee that was continually calling his name. Quickly rinsing off his body, he turned the water off and stepped out onto the rug. Drying himself off, he then donned a pair of gray sweat pants and a USMC t-shirt.
Heading towards the kitchen, he stopped outside Tony’s door, trying to resist the urge to open his door and check on him. If DiNozzo was asleep, he didn’t want to wake him up. It seemed that Tony was now a much lighter sleeper than he used to be; a characteristic that was a direct result of his time on the streets.
He quietly opened the door and peered inside the darkened room. His gut began to churn with the realization that Tony wasn’t in his room. If it had not been for the fact that DiNozzo had given his word that he wouldn’t leave, Gibbs would have already had a BOLO out on the younger man.
Making a quick visual sweep of all the other rooms, he arrived at the conclusion that Tony was either on the porch or in the basement. Knowing that the basement was his own personal refuge that he retreated to when he needed to escape, he wondered if DiNozzo had been drawn to it as well. If anyone needed a place to escape, it was Tony.
Gibbs breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the lights were on in the basement. Descending the stairs, he entertained the idea of asking Tony to help him build his boat, hoping that the simple gesture would help rebuild the trust between them that had been shattered by the cruelty of men who had taken obvious delight in stripping away the identity of the man known as Anthony DiNozzo.
It was the sight that greeted him at the bottom of the stairs that momentarily erased those thoughts from his mind. His boat lay in ruins, splintered pieces of wood littering the floor; endless nights of heartfelt labor had been reduced to shambles. Anger did not even begin to describe what he was feeling. Fire coursed through his veins as he gaze came to rest on the obvious cause of the destruction.
Tony was curled up on his side under what was left of the frame of his beloved boat. He was clutching the handle of the sledgehammer; his white knuckled grasp a testament to the vise like grip he was maintaining, clinging to it like it was a life preserver.
“What the hell did you do?” he roared, the fury that was consuming him evident in his voice. Ever since he had found Tony , he had been conscious of how and what he had said to the hurting man, but now he could barely control the urge to pick DiNozzo up off the floor and tear him apart piece by piece.
The silence emanating from the other man only infuriated the ex-Marine even more. “Hey, DiNozzo!” he barked. “Did you hear me?”
Gibbs walked over and knelt down in front of the trembling man. Tony’s eyes were fixed straight ahead, tears escaping down his flushed cheeks. Reaching out, he grabbed DiNozzo’s shoulder and shook him in an effort to bring him back to the current reality he seemed to determined to escape. “Tony!” he gruffly called out once again.
He was forced to pull back when Tony violently flinched. The hammer that he had been clinging to, fell to the floor at Gibbs’ feet. The team leader scrubbed his face, trying to erase the anger from his features, as he exhibited a calmness that he did not feel. Realization and rationalization began to take the place of his rage and resentment; there had to be logical explanation for Tony’s actions. Why would he purposefully destroy his boat? DiNozzo knew how much the boat meant to him and…
The team leader blew out a frustrated breath as he was forced to acknowledge the truth. The Tony DiNozzo lying on the ground, shivering uncontrollably, had no idea as to the significance of him building a boat in his basement. Gibbs was expecting too much, too soon, and if he didn’t proceed with caution, he was going to lose Tony completely.
“Tony?” The former Marine’s voice had lost the sharpness which seemed to put the frightened man more at ease. Tony’s eyes now reflected a hint of recognition, but the ever present look of uncertainty still remained.
Exercising caution, Gibbs slowly helped Tony to a sitting position. He made sure that DiNozzo was steady before he released his grip on his shoulders. “Tony? Are you with me?”
After a few seconds, Tony nodded.
“You sure about that?” Gibbs inquired.
“No.”
“An honest answer if there ever was one.”
Tony shrugged. “I guess.”
The team leader sat on the floor amidst the debris. So many questions were racing through his mind, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear the answers to them. “What happened, Tony?” he finally asked, trying unsuccessfully to hide the myriad of emotions that were crying out to be released.
“I…don’t know,” Tony stammered.
Gibbs clenched his jaw in an attempt to keep his anger from resurfacing. “You don’t know?”
“No.”
“Take a look around, Tony,” the team leader tersely ordered. “Does the fact that there’s hardly anything left of my boat jar your memory?”
He watched with interest as Tony slowly surveyed that damaged that he had apparently caused. DiNozzo’s mask remained firmly in place, but Gibbs could see through his disguise. The fear and disbelief radiating from the man sitting in front of him was overwhelming, prompting the team leader to wonder if Tony actually remembered what happened.
“‘I’m sorry,” Tony apologized, his voice so low that Gibbs had to strain to hear what he had said.
“For what? What happened?”
“I couldn’t stop myself. I just got so…angry.”
“Angry? Why?” Gibbs wanted to know.
Tony hung his head. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Gibbs snapped. “I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t care if you believe me or not,” Tony shot back.
“Tell me what got you so pissed off that you a sledgehammer to my boat?” he pressed.
“I said I was sorry!”
“Sorry’s not going to cut it, Tony! You owe me an explanation.”
A chill ran down Gibbs’ spine as DiNozzo’s gaze hardened. The cool, green eyes were filled with venom and complete rage. “I don’t owe you anything!” Tony vehemently exclaimed, pushing himself up off the floor.
Gibbs was taken back by Tony’s outburst. He stood up, grabbed the young man’s arm, and whirled him around so that they were now standing face to face. The calmness that he had worked so hard to maintain was quickly dissipating. “All I want to know is why!”
Tony jerked his arm free. “Because your damn boat was more important than finding me!”
“What?” Gibbs had certainly not been expecting that revelation. “What are you talking about?”
“You were supposed to be looking for me!” Tony bellowed, his wrath reverberating throughout the basement. “You lied to me! You said you never stopped looking!”
“Tony, I didn’t stop looking for you. I never gave up!”
Tony didn’t appear to be listening to his attempts at defending himself. DiNozzo’s movements were agitated and awkward as he clumsily began pacing the length of the basement floor, purposefully kicking shards of lumber out of his path. Gibbs watched as Tony began to wave his arms frantically, as if he were fighting demons that only he could see.
“I fought so hard! I fought so hard not to tell them anything! They just kept on and on until…”
“Until what, Tony?” Gibbs asked, hoping that the memory that seemed to be clawing its way out of the darkness would not slip away.
“Until I told them what they wanted to hear!”
“And what was that?”
“My name. They wanted me to tell them my name was Anthony DiNozzo.”
“But that is your name,” Gibbs tried to reason.
“My name is…was Todd Gibbs, but they didn’t believe me. They wanted me to be Tony DiNozzo and they wanted me to admit that I worked for NCIS,” Tony continued to explain. “I finally reached the point that I would have told them my name was James Bond if it meant the pain would stop.”
Gibbs swallowed hard. “When you admitted to being Tony DiNozzo, what happened?”
He was grateful that Tony was starting to remember what happened to him during his captivity, but he was fully aware of the fact that he would have to tread lightly. Whatever memory had sparked the desire in Tony to destroy his boat was a powerful one that was beginning to unleash other memories that had been buried for a long time.
“I was hurting so bad but no one ever came to find me. Everyday, they would come and…would beat me until…” Tony stumbled, but brushed off Gibbs’ attempt to help him and resumed his pacing. “I would lie there in my vomit and piss, unable to move,” he continued. “Steve would come in and laugh, telling me that NCIS didn’t want me any more. He said I was labeled a traitor and that no one cared if I lived or died. I didn’t believe him until I saw the picture of you working on your boat. I…”
Stepping in front of Tony, the team leader intentionally blocked his path. “This guy, Steve, had a picture of me working on my boat?”
Tony stepped around him and resumed his stride. “Yeah. I should have known. I should’ve known better than to trust anyone; hell, I don’t even trust myself.”
“You can trust me,” Gibbs vowed. “I’ve always had your six.”
DiNozzo froze in his tracks. Gibbs took a tentative step towards him, uncertain of the affect that his words would have on Tony. As he took another step, he saw the young agent’s shoulders slump in defeat. The energy that had fueled Tony’s outburst had been depleted.
“I know,” Tony rasped.
Gibbs reached out and placed his hand on Tony’s arm, waiting patiently until he turned around and faced him. Part of him couldn’t help but wonder why DiNozzo didn’t come to him instead of destroying his boat, but that would be shifting the blame back on Tony. That wasn’t fair to the man before him who had lost everything including his own sense of self worth; the blame lied with the men who condemned Tony to live in his own personal hell for weeks, maybe even months. The ex-Marine knew that when he found the bastards responsible, they would be the ones begging for mercy; but he wouldn’t show them the first ounce of sympathy.
He slowly guided Tony over to the stair steps and sat him down. Sitting down beside him, he could hear DiNozzo continually apologizing. “It’s gonna be okay, Tony,” Gibbs promised.
“When?”
The team leader shook his head. “I don’t know. Your memory is starting to come back, so hopefully sooner or later.”
“It may be coming back, but it’s all jumbled up in my head.” Tony raked his hands through his hair. “Maybe, I’m just going crazy.”
“You’re not going crazy.”
“I just destroyed your boat with a sledge hammer,” Tony reminded him. “Sounds pretty crazy to me.”
“You think that’s any crazier than someone building a boat in their basement?” Gibbs teased.
A tiny smile escaped Tony’s lips. “Guess you’ve got a point there.”
Gibbs watched as Tony wrapped his arms around his legs and cradled his head against his knees. There was no doubt in Gibbs’ mind that DiNozzo was completely exhausted, both physically and mentally. He patted Tony on the back and gave his arm a gentle squeeze. The team leader wanted to see if there were any more memories waiting to break through, but the weariness in Tony’s eyes made him reconsider, deciding that it would be better if they both got some rest.
“Why don’t we head back upstairs?” he suggested. “We’ve both had quite a day.”
“What about your boat?”
“You can help me clean the mess up tomorrow.”
Tony didn’t balk when Gibbs had informed him that he would have to help clean up the remnants of his boat. Instead, the young man simply replied, “Fair enough.”
Gibbs rose and held out his hand to Tony, who took it without hesitation, allowing the team leader to pull him to a standing position. “Come on,” he gently urged.
Tony turned to head up the steps, pausing briefly to glance back over his shoulder. Gibbs immediately saw what had captured DiNozzo’s attention. He silently cursed, making a mental note to come back down and get rid of the liquor. Giving Tony a gentle nudge, the two men made their way up the stairs.
“Kind of a strange place to keep it,” Tony observed.
“I guess.”
“I guess it’ll be gone by the morning.”
“That’s a good bet.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No sense in having it there if no one’s going to drink it.”
When they reached the top of the stairs, Tony turned to face the team leader. “You don’t have to do that. I won’t touch it.”
“I can see it in your eyes, Tony. The pull is still too strong.”
“Just because I can‘t drink doesn’t mean you have to stop. I don’t expect you to put your life on hold because of me! You’re already missing work and…”
“You would do the same for me if our positions were reversed.”
“You sure about that?”
“I would bet my life on it, Tony. Steve and those other men may have taken your memory, but they didn’t take away your innate sense of goodness.”
Tony suddenly looked uncomfortable. “You okay, DiNozzo?”
“Yeah, um…I’m just tired.”
“Are you sure that’s all?”
“Um…just getting used to people being nice to me,” he admitted. “It’s just…um…hinky.”
Gibbs smiled at the familiar slang. “Go get some rest, Tony,” he instructed. “I’ll see you in the morning. Breakfast is as 0700. We have to be at the hospital at 0830.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“It was part of the deal.”
“I know. At least when I get done, Abby’s going to take me and help me pick out a tattoo.”
“That ought to be interesting,” the team leader mused. “Good night, DiNozzo.”
“Good night, Gibbs.”
He watched Tony head down the hallway towards the spare bedroom. Once the door closed, Gibbs went back downstairs to get rid of the liquor that he kept in the basement. Grabbing the bottle, he went over to the sink and poured it down the drain. Turning on the water, he rinsed out the sink and then threw the bottle in the trash.
Gibbs knew that he had a couple of bottles upstairs as well the one he had in the basement. He would not be the one to cause Tony to slip back into the life that he had been fighting so hard to get away from. Although DiNozzo had managed to overcome the physical dependence, the psychological hold that alcohol had over an individual was more powerful and more difficult to control.
As he started to make his way back up the stairs, he took one final glance at the remains of his boat. It grieved him to think that Tony actually believed that a piece of wood would mean more to him than the life of his son. The fact that DiNozzo even considered the possibility was a testament of how much damage had been inflicted upon the young man both physically and emotionally.
It was going to be up to him and the team to help Tony rebuild his life and it was a task that they accepted readily. They would get the old Anthony DiNozzo back, but it was going to take time and patience. Bending down, he picked up a splintered piece of wood and shook his head. “A lot of patience,” he muttered to himself.
He gave the wood a quick sling as he headed up the stairs. Cutting the lights off, he made a final round and emptied the other bottles of liquor in the house. As the last bottle was drained, he poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table, wondering what tomorrow would bring.
Picking up his cell phone off the table, he dialed the number that would quickly connect him to Dr. Donald Mallard. The ME usually had some words of wisdom for him whenever he found himself at a crossroads. “Hey Duck,” he tiredly greeted. “I need some advice…”
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