“Oh my gosh, Tony!” Abby excitedly exclaimed. “It’s so totally awesome! It’s more than awesome; it’s…it’s spectacular!”
She stood behind Tony, admiring the masterpiece that was now boldly displayed on his left shoulder blade. Abby had watched with fascination as Leo created the likeness of the phoenix, transforming it into something almost surreal; it was as if art was coming to life. When Tony had made the decision to get the phoenix, she sensed immediately that the tattoo was so much more than a picture to him; it was a representation of his life. It was a symbol of survival and that is exactly what Tony had managed to do not only this past year, but throughout his life.
“Do you really think so?” Tony asked, the uncertainty he was obviously feeling was evident in his voice.
“Are you kidding me? It’s incredible! It’s so you! I don’t know why you never wanted one before…”
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized that she had unintentionally brought up the past. She usually tried to avoid mentioning his former life so he wouldn’t feel pressured to remember, but she had let her guard down. Clamping her hand over her dark lips, Abby allowed a muffled apology to escape. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”
Tony pulled her hand away from her mouth and gave it a gentle squeeze. Abby could see the fine lines of exhaustion around his eyes, the anger and distrust that usually emanated from his expressive orbs was no longer present. “It’s okay, Abby,” he reassured her. “It’s okay.”
“I guess I just wasn’t thinking about you not being able to remember.”
Abby’s heart melted as Tony’s grin widened, almost reaching his eyes. This was the same smile that lured women and unnerved suspects; this was the smile that appeared when he discovered the one clue that solved a particular case, and this was the smile that always brightened her day.
“It’s nice when people forget that I can’t remember,” he said. “It means that for a little while, I can be myself.”
She kissed him on the cheek, leaving an imprint of her lips on his still gaunt face. “You can always be yourself when you’re with me. That’s always the way it’s been with us. What you see is what you get; take it or leave it.”
“I’ll take it.”
“So will I.”
The Goth handed Tony his shirt and then proceeded to pay Leo. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his cheeks flush slightly with embarrassment. “Something wrong?” she inquired, afraid that he had changed his mind about the tattoo.
“I didn’t expect you to pay for it. I didn’t even think about…”
“This is your birthday present,” she proclaimed.
“My birthday present?”
“Yeah. I didn’t get you one last year, so I’m making up for it.”
“I’ll pay you back whenever I get some money,” Tony vowed.
“You will not! I told you that this is your present. It’s okay to accept gifts from your friends.”
“If you say so,” he replied unconvincingly.
“I say so.”
“Thank you,” he whispered.
It truly bothered her that Tony was so uncomfortable accepting gifts or kind gestures from people. Even before he had disappeared, DiNozzo would be flustered for days if someone went out of their way and did something special for him. Maybe one day, he would see the acts of kindness for what they were and not as a way to get something from him.
Abby sighed and finished paying Leo. “I think it’s your best work yet,” she told the owner.
“It suits him,” Leo agreed, handing Abby her change. He gave Tony a piece of paper explaining that he was giving him instructions on how to care for his tattoo.
She watched as Tony studied the paper before slipping it into his pocket. “Don’t worry,” Abby cheerfully said. “I’ll help you.”
“I think you just want to see me without my shirt again,” Tony teased.
Abby threw her arms around Tony’s neck. She felt his body tense from the unexpected physical contact and quickly released him. “I’m sorry,” she apologized once again. “It’s just that when you said that about me wanting to see you without your shirt, it was just so…Tonyish.”
“And that’s good?”
“Yes! Of course it is! It was so natural. I mean it was something you did without knowing that it was something that you would’ve done before you disappeared, and now that you’ve reappeared…”
She stopped mid-sentence when Tony raised his hand, instantly silencing her propensity to ramble. “I think I get the picture. There wasn’t any pressure, so a piece of…Tony just escaped from my screwed up mind.”
“Exactly,” she declared, grateful that he understood what she was trying to say.
Glancing at her watch, she grabbed Tony by the hand and led him out of the parlor and towards the car. “We better get going before Gibbs puts out a bolo on us. I can’t wait for him to see your tattoo!”
Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.”
“He’ll be ecstatic.”
“I’ve seen him pissed, kind of happy, frustrated, sad, and grumpy,” he recalled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him…ecstatic.”
“Neither have I. But, there’s a first time for everything.”
Abby opened Tony’s door and then went around to the driver’s side. As she got in the car, she noticed that Tony was still standing in the door, his gaze riveted on something that she could not see. “Tony?” she called out. She opened the door and stepped back out onto the pavement, her eyes searching for what had him entranced.
Unable to see anything, Abby made her way to his side. “Tony? What is it?”
She placed her hand on his arm and could feel him trembling. “Tony? Please tell me what’s wrong?”
The Goth began to panic. Tony seemed to be locked in a battle somewhere in the depths of his mind. Now matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t reach him; he simply continued to ignore her, staring straight ahead. She dumped the contents of her purse out onto the passenger’s seat and began to fumble through her belongings until she found what was she was looking for.
Retrieving her phone, she stood up to see Tony heading for an alleyway across the street. Her eyes widened in fear as he ignored the blaring horns of the cars that had to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting him. She tried to scream out a warning, but all she could do was hold her breath until he was safely on the other side.
Finally, she found her voice and called out to him in desperation. “Tony! What are you doing?”
Her question was met with silence. Glancing up and down the street, she quickly prayed for an opening so she could catch up to her friend. At that particular moment, the street was clear and so she darted across. Tony was standing at the entranceway to an alley. The buildings on either side were both condemned and the sight of rats scampering about made her stomach churn. Tony didn’t like rats either, but at the moment, she wasn’t sure that he was seeing them.
“Tony?” she whispered. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve…been here before,” he stammered.
“What do you mean?” she anxiously inquired. “Do you remember something?”
She grabbed Tony’s arm as he lurched forward, suddenly unable to stay upright. He pulled away and collapsed against the wall, his eyes still fixated on the darkness in front of him. Abby helplessly watched as he raked his hands through his hair, sliding down the wall until he was on the ground. “Feel sick,” he muttered under his breath.”
Kneeling down beside him, she began to rub his back with one hand while dialing Gibbs’ number with the other. She was thankful that she had put his number on speed dial a long time ago. He barely had time to answer before she cried out, “Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs! Something’s wrong. I need you to come down here. Something’s wrong with Tony!”
“Abby!” he snapped. His tone was a little harsher than she was used to, but she knew that he meant nothing by it. “Tell me what happened.”
Quickly relaying the events of the day, she told him about how everything had been going so well and how it ended up with them sitting in an alleyway. “He says he feels sick,” Abby continued. “Something’s wrong, Gibbs. He’s shaking; he barely responds to me.”
“Where are you?”
Abby gave him the address and knew that he would be here within a few minutes. She sat down beside Tony on the ground and continued to rub his back. “It’s going to be okay, Tony,” she softly repeated over and over. “Gibbs is on his way. He’ll know what to do.”
“I remember this place,” he said, his voice almost inaudible. “I remember…”
“What do you remember?” she pressed. Abby wasn’t sure that she was doing the right thing by encouraging him to open up to her, but she also knew that Tony felt more comfortable with her than with any of the others.
“They brought me down this alley.”
“Who?”
“I couldn’t stand,” Tony continued, ignoring her question. “They drug me down this alley.”
“Tony? Can you tell me who it was? Can you see their faces?”
Tony suddenly began to retch. She supported him as he emptied the contents of his stomach. Abby wrinkled her nose at the foul stench, but said nothing. After he was spent, he fell over on his side, his head on her lap. Abby wished that he would let her move him somewhere cleaner, but she didn’t dare ask him; she would make no demands on him for now. She would let him rest until Gibbs arrived. Then maybe together, they could help Tony find the missing piece of this particular puzzle.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The drummers residing in the team leader’s head were now pounding in unison, each beat louder and more intense than the last. The events of the past few hours had finally caught up to him resulting in the migraine that was now plaguing him mercilessly. He had even allowed Palmer to drive him home, which was something that would have never occurred had he not felt as if his head were going to explode.
“Agent Gibbs?” Palmer nervously called to him.
“What?”
“I can stop and get you something if you need me too,” the young man offered.
“Just take me home, Palmer. Abby and Tony should be there by now.”
Abby had whisked Tony out of the doctor’s office and to the tattoo parlor; he hadn’t heard from them since. He hoped that everything was all right. His gut had been telling him otherwise for the past half hour, but he trusted Abby to take care of DiNozzo.
They had left him to talk with Dr. Cole and by the time their conversation was finished, Gibbs left frustrated and uncertain what he should do. There was no doubt in his mind that Tony needed help, but getting him to agree to it was an issue he wasn’t sure that he was ready to tackle.
***flashback***
Gibbs was starting to get a headache from going round after round with Dr. Cole. The team leader was completely aware of the fact that Tony needed professional counseling to help him learn how to deal with what had happened the past year, but the physician didn’t seem to understand that DiNozzo wasn’t the kind of man that you could just order to see a psychiatrist. Tony ate shrinks for breakfast. He had always been able to tell the doctors exactly what they wanted to hear so they would release him for duty and he had a feeling that this ‘new’ Tony could play the system as well.
“Dr. Walters is very respected in his field,” the doctor informed him. “I’m sure he will be able to help Agent DiNozzo.”
“I’m sure that he’s as wonderful as you say, but that’s not the point,” Gibbs shot back. “The point is that you’re not going to get DiNozzo to willingly open up to anybody until he’s ready.”
“That’s the old DiNozzo.”
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But I still doubt that he’s going to allow a total stranger to get into his mind. He barely talks to me. What makes you think that he’s going to open up to someone he doesn’t know?”
“Because he needs someone to be objective in this situation!” Cole tersely replied. “You and his other friends are so wrapped up in getting him back the way he used to be, that you have no idea what’s truly going on inside of his mind. Whether he realizes it or not, Tony is trying to be what you all want him to be; he wants to belong and if he has to sacrifice his soul in order to achieve that sense of being wanted, then he’s prepared to do it.”
“Just give him a few more days. He needs time to warm up to the idea. He’s dealing with a lot,” the ex-Marine stated.
“I’m aware of that, but I’m afraid that the way he deals with his problems is not conducive to his health. Do you know how easy it would be for him to start drinking again?”
Gibbs clenched his jaw. “Yes.”
“He’s got to get those safeguards in place before he falls off the wagon.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“Then…”
Gibbs pushed himself up out of his seat. “Then what? What do you want from me? I’m doing all I can for him, but I can’t make him see a shrink.”
“He would if you told him to. Despite what it seems like, he does respect you.”
“And you want me to use that against him?” Gibbs asked, his voice tight and controlled. “Do you know how long it has taken to get this far with him? He may respect me but he sure as hell doesn’t trust me. Last night he literally destroyed my boat because he thought I had betrayed him; I’m not going to put him through that again!”
Cole stared at him in disbelief. “He destroyed your boat?”
“He had some kind of flash back; his captors had led him to believe that I was too busy building my boat to come and look for him.”
“Until he gets his memory back, these flashbacks may occur more often and I don’t have to tell you that he may lash out and hurt someone, including himself. I never should have agreed to his release.”
“He would have left without your consent,” Gibbs reminded him.
“Gibbs, you’ve got to make him see he needs counseling.”
“I’ve found an AA meeting for him to attend tonight; let me see how that goes.”
“You’ll let me know something tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” Gibbs sighed. “Tomorrow.”
***end flashback***
He wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully the AA meeting tonight would find Tony willing to open up, but somehow, he knew that it was going to take more than one meeting for DiNozzo to admit to needing any kind of help. As far as he knew, Tony had never even claimed to be an alcoholic. He would call himself a drunk or some other name, but he never acknowledged that he had a problem.
The sound of his phone ringing echoed inside his head. “Gibbs,” he gruffly answered.
“Gibbs! Gibbs! Gibbs!”
It was Abby and she was clearly upset about something.
“Abby! Tell me what happened!” His voice was a bit more brusque than usual, but he knew Abby would understand.
He sat up straighter and listened as she frantically explained everything that had happened since they had left the hospital. Gibbs muttered a curse under his breath; he should have listened to his gut.
“Where are you?” he demanded to know.
He hung up the phone and gave Palmer directions to the address that Abby had given him. “Step on it, Palmer!” he barked.
“But Agent Gibbs, the speed limit…”
“Is irrelevant!” the team leader growled. “Now either give it some gas or pull over and let me drive.”
Gibbs managed to suppress a grin as he felt the sudden acceleration of the car. Obviously the thought of him driving was enough to spur the ME’s assistant to action. Although his head was still throbbing, he managed to ignore it as he considered what Abby had told him. Tony had been fine until they had started to leave. Was he having a flashback? The doctor’s words came back to haunt him and he found himself praying that both Abby and Tony were all right.
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