Jimmy Palmer was amazed that there wasn’t an entourage of police cars behind him as he hurriedly navigated the streets of Washington D.C. He was trying to ignore the fact that with every red light that he had run, images of his life would seemingly flash before his eyes. Truthfully, he was used to driving under strenuous conditions, especially when Dr. Mallard was reading the map, but with Gibbs barking orders every few minutes, his nerves were quickly becoming frazzled.
As he rounded the final corner, his thoughts turned to his hurting friend. His friend ship with Anthony DiNozzo was a mystery that would more than likely remained unsolved. When Gibbs had taken his unexpected hiatus to Mexico and Tony had been thrust into the role of team leader, he had become DiNozzo’s confidante and sounding board. Their casual friendship had quickly developed from that point on, providing each of them with a friend that simply accepted each other at face value.
When Tony had disappeared, Palmer had been at a loss how to handle the supposed demise of his friend. Part of him had refused to accept that Tony was dead and he had silently clung to that hope. Now, a year later, DiNozzo had returned from the grave and was struggling to remember his past life.
Jimmy couldn’t imagine being faced with such a daunting task and he truly respected his friend for choosing to handle his problems instead of running away from them. Guilt consumed him as he realized that aside from the brief time in autopsy, he had not taken the opportunity to talk with Tony at all. In fact, Jimmy had been avoiding Tony and although it may not have been intentional, the fact remained that he had failed as a friend.
“Palmer!”
He was startled from his private musing by the taciturn team leader. Jimmy slammed on the brakes, and reluctantly met Gibbs’ hardened gaze. “Uh, sorry…Agent Gibbs,” he stammered. “You um…you kind of …surprised me when you yelled.”
“We’re here,” Gibbs gruffly announced.
Palmer glanced around, quickly taking in his surroundings, hoping to catch a glimpse of Tony. He was determined to help his friend, hoping that it wasn’t too late for him to reach out a helping hand.
He got out of the car and started to follow Gibbs across the street. Desperate to reach Tony, it didn’t cross his mind to move the car. Palmer didn’t get very far before Gibbs turned around and glared at him. “Did you forget something, Palmer?” the ex-Marine impatiently inquired.
Jimmy’s cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment as he rushed back and quickly maneuvered the car into the first available parking space. He darted back across the street, coming to an abrupt halt beside Abby. Palmer nodded a muted greeting to her and then turned his attention back to the scene unfolding in front of him.
Tony was sitting against the wall, his eyes clenched tightly as if by doing so would simply block out whatever he was seeing in his mind’s eye. His knees were pulled up against his chest, his arms wrapped securely around them. Every few seconds, Tony would tremble as if he were cold, but Jimmy knew that his tremors were more than likely being caused by the memories that were assaulting him.
He watched as Gibbs knelt down in front of Tony and softly called his name. It was not often that people had the privilege of seeing the gentler side of the ex-Marine; everyone knew he had a special way with children, but rarely did he have such patience and compassion with adults. There was no doubt that DiNozzo held a special place in Gibbs’ heart.
Tony had told Palmer several times, mostly under the influence of a few beers, that Gibbs was more of a father to him than his own. He knew that his friend’s relationship with his father was strained and the team leader had stepped in to fill that void. Now, Gibbs was trying to soothe his son’s obvious heartache, and Palmer could only hope that the team leader would be able to reach DiNozzo.
Palmer had been keeping his distance from Tony, but that was about to change. True friends stuck by each other through the good times and the bad times and that was what he was determined to do.
“What’s happened?” he quietly asked Abby, whose gaze was fixated on the nearly inaudible conversation taking place between Tony and Gibbs.
“I don’t know,” she answered. “We were leaving the tattoo parlor and headed back to the car and Tony just got this real far away look in his eyes. He kept tell me that he remembered and then everything just kind of fell apart. Oh my God, he’s got to be all right.”
“I’m sure he’ll be all right,” Palmer tried to reassure her.
“Gibbs will help him,” she declared. “He has to help him.”
Palmer simply nodded. “He will.”
“He better.”
Jimmy knew without a doubt that if anyone could get through to Tony, it was Agent Gibbs. He just hoped that he got the chance to be that friend that he should have been along.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tony desperately wanted a drink. If he could drink, he could forget; if he could forget, he wouldn’t have to face the haunting images that were invading his mind. He could remember the hands of his captors dragging him as he struggled to escape from their bone crushing hold, but his feeble attempts to escape were met with insults and laughter. The past and present continued to clash as Tony fought to make sense of the slide show playing in his head. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t move; he wanted to cry, but there were no tears.
The only thing that was a constant at the moment was the voice that was calling to him through the fog of his jumbled memories. He knew that voice. Tony had fallen asleep many nights, hoping to hear that particular voice assure him that everything was going to be all right. He had lost count of the times he had prayed that Leroy Jethro Gibbs would come and save him. The loneliness and agony would prevent him from moving as he would be forced to lay on the ground in his own filth, waiting for someone to come. But no one ever came. Soon, his despair had prevented him from hearing the former Marine’s voice in his mind; he had allowed it to fade from his memory until today.
He felt calloused hands cup his face; the eyes that were staring at him were achingly familiar. Could he dare to hope that Gibbs had actually come for him after all this time? As he met the iron gaze of the team leader, he wondered if this was another dream or if Gibbs was really here with him. The darkness began to fade as his surroundings came into focus. As his reality became clearer, his humiliation at the realization that he was sitting on the ground in an alley, a pile of his own vomit mere feet away, was almost more than he could bear.
Licking his lips, he gave a slight nod, silently indicating that he was all right. As Gibbs released his face, he laid his head back against the cement wall and closed his eyes. He had just made a complete fool of himself, not only in front of Gibbs, but in front of Abby as well; they probably thought that he had completely lost his mind and they would be right.
“Tony?” Gibbs called out to him. “You okay?”
How was he supposed to answer that? No, he wasn’t okay, but his instinct was to try and assure everyone that he was fine. Not trusting his voice to speak, he nodded, hoping that the answer would satisfy the older man.
Obviously, Gibbs was not so easily fooled. “You sure about that, DiNozzo?”
“I’m fine,” he mumbled.
“If I wasn’t worried about you throwing up on my shoes, I’d head slap you for lying,” the ex-Marine growled.
“Just give me a minute,” Tony pleaded, his weary gaze once again focusing on the man before him.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. The last thing I remember is coming out of the tattoo parlor,” he admitted. “How did I get here?
“In Abby’s words, you kind of freaked out. Now, why don’t you try this again?” Gibbs suggested, unwilling to permit Tony to take the easy way out.
Tony didn’t miss the mixture of concern and annoyance in the team leader’s voice. He knew that Gibbs was worried about him, but he still wasn’t sure what he had ever done to deserve this man’s loyalty. The former Marine had been patient with him, not pushing the trust issues that Tony seemed doomed to carry with him for a long time.
He stared down the alley; his body involuntarily shuddered as the evil shadows threatened to overwhelm him. “They took me down this alley,” he began, his voice barely audible.
“Who?”
“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure that Steve was one of them, but I don’t know the other one.”
“What did he look like?”
“It was dark and I couldn’t see their faces.”
“Where you blindfolded?” Gibbs asked.
Tony thought for a moment as he tried to isolate that particular memory. He finally shook his head. “No. My eyes…I could barely open them. It hurt to open them.”
“So they were swollen shut,” the team leader deduced.
“I think…I fought them. I’m not sure.”
Gibbs gently squeezed his shoulders. “It’s okay. What else do you remember?”
He shrugged. Tony really didn’t want to remember the pain and shame that he had endured, but fate seemed to be forcing his hand. “I don’t know.”
“Do you think you can stand?” Gibbs asked.
Tony nodded and accepted the team leader’s hand as Gibbs helped him to his feet. He staggered as a wave of dizziness besieged him, but he managed to steady himself with the help of the former Marine and Abby, who had quickly rushed to his side. After a few seconds, he nodded his thanks as he managed to stand on his own. “Thanks.”
“Anything for you,” Abby chimed in.
“Thanks, Abs,” he tiredly grinned.
“You up for a walk, Tony?” the lead agent inquired, gesturing towards the alley.
He stared into the dark void before him, uncertain if he could walk this path again. “I don’t think so,” Tony softly replied.
“I’m going to be right here with you, Tony,” Gibbs reassured him. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“Please don’t make me do this,” he begged.
“Tony, if there’s a possibility that we can discover what happened to you, then we need to explore it and see if we can piece together this puzzle.”
“Please, Gibbs.”
“I’m right here by your side. You’re not doing this alone.”
“That’s right,” Abby agreed. “Palmer and I are here too.”
“Palmer?”
Upon hearing his name, a young man joined the tight circle. Tony immediately recognized him as Ducky’s assistant. He could barely remember talking to him when he had first arrived at NCIS and now he was standing here, an expression of concern etched in his youthful features. Several images flashed through his mind as he stared at Palmer. “The gremlin,” he finally muttered.
“You remember me?” Palmer asked, barely able to contain his delight.
“Black lung.”
Palmer grinned. “You do remember!”
Tony tiredly returned his smile. “A little. Sorry. I wish I could do better. I don’t remember why I even called you ‘Black Lung.’”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll fill you in later.”
“You can fill me in later as well,” Gibbs added. “Sounds like an interesting story.”
Tony turned to look down the alley once again. Laughter echoed in his head, exacerbating the headache that had quickly developed in the last few minutes. Did Gibbs have any idea what he was asking him to do? He took a tentative step and then another one, the presence of Gibbs and the others giving him the courage that he so desperately needed to delve into the mystery of his past.
As he continued his trek down the darkened alley, Tony fought the churning in his stomach as the smells brutally attacked his senses. He stopped at the top of a stairwell leading to the basement of a condemned building. Gripping the rusty handrail, he silently willed his hands to stop shaking. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s just me, Tony,” Gibbs said. “What’s wrong?”
“I fell…no, I was pushed down these stairs. I think.” He swallowed hard, trying to control the visions that were once again dancing around in his mind.
He watched as Gibbs pulled a small flashlight out of his pocket and began to closely examine the steps. Tony knew that he was more than likely looking for a clue that he had been here, but between the passage of time and the weather, the team leader would be hard pressed to find anything useful.
Tony slowly descended the stairs, his eyes fixed on the door. Slowly reaching towards the handle, his hand trembled as he traced the splintered wood where the door had been forced open.
“Tony?” Gibbs called out. “What is it?”
Shaking his head, he slowly opened the door and stepped inside. The only light illuminating the room came from a single window in the wall. There was nothing in this room, but Tony already knew that. This wasn’t the room that he had been held prisoner in, but he knew he wasn’t far away. He could feel Gibbs’ eyes on him as he walked around the room, studying every detail in hopes that something would seem familiar.
“DiNozzo?”
“I don’t know, Gibbs,” he finally answered. “I’ve been here, but…something’s not right.”
“Look at this!” Abby exclaimed.
Tony and Gibbs joined her and Palmer as the Goth pointed to what appeared to be a door in the floor. His head felt like it was going to explode. Sinking to his knees, he held his head in his hands as his memories began to freely flow. No one could ever know what was behind that door. “God, no!” he began to cry. “No!”
He felt someone kneeling on either side of him. Abby and Palmer surrounded him, confused and upset by his apparent breakdown. Gibbs knelt down in front of him and grabbed his hands. “Talk to me, Tony.”
“This is it!” Tony sobbed. “This is where…they…had me. I…the door…I used to try and pound on the bottom of the door…but no one…heard me.”
“I need to have a look, Tony.”
Horrified at the thought, Tony began to shake his head in protest. “No, Gibbs! Please don’t!”
“Tony, if it’s going to help you…”
“It’s not going to help anything! Believe me! You open that door and you’re going to hate me!” he screamed.
“No, I’m not,” Gibbs vowed.
“Yes, you will. Please don’t do this.”
“Tony, I have to do this,” the team leader tried to rationalize. “If we’re going to find out what happened to you during the time you were missing…”
Tony pushed himself off the floor and wiped away his tears. “I don’t want to remember what happened to me! Please! Let’s just leave!”
“If we leave now, I’ll just come back by myself later.”
“Don’t do that. God, Gibbs, I’ll do anything. I’ll go see that shrink if that’s what it takes, but please don’t go down there!”
“What’s down there that you don’t want me to see?” Gibbs wanted to know. “Tony, I know they hurt you and…”
“You don’t know anything!” he roared. “You have no idea what its like to have to live in your own vomit and crap, hoping that for one night, the rats will leave you the hell alone! Everyday, they came and every day they left me, crying like a baby because I couldn’t take the pain that they were putting me through! After they left, I’d pull myself off the floor and over to the door and pounded on it until my hands bled, but no one ever heard me. I couldn’t take it any more. I…”
Tony abruptly stopped his tirade and walked over to the door that led outside. He was too tired to fight this battle. Maybe it was time for the truth to be made known. “Do what you have to do, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
He sat down on the steps and waited for the inevitable. Tony had no idea how long it was before Gibbs came outside, but no amount of time could prepare him for what he knew was about to happen. He glanced up when he heard the trio approaching. Their eyes betrayed a myriad of emotions; confusion, surprise, pity, and uncertainty were just a few that he could see. They knew. They knew everything and now there was no turning back. Gibbs sat down next to him and he had to quell the desire to run away from this man.
“Who is he, Tony?” Gibbs quietly asked. “Who’s the man in the basement?”
Tony closed his eyes. How could this nightmare get any worse? Why couldn’t he simply wake up and pick up his life where he left off? “I warned you not to go in there.”
“Who was it?” Gibbs repeated, a little more forcibly.
He clenched his jaw. “I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t take it any more.”
“Tony, I’m not blaming you. I just need to know who it is.”
He laughed to himself as he pushed away the agonizing memories that threatened to consume him. “I had to do it, Gibbs. I couldn’t take it! I just wanted it to end!”
“Tony, look at me,” Gibbs gently ordered. “Tell me who that man is.”
Unable to refuse the team leader’s request, Tony met his gaze, shame raging through him like an ocean during a storm. “That’s my old friend, Steve.”
“Steve? He’s one of the ones that hurt you,” the ex-Marine stated.
Tony nodded. “Yeah…he was the main one. I never saw the other one; I just heard him.”
“What happened to Steve?”
He sat for a moment, mentally cursing the fact that his memories had picked this time to resurface. Tony wanted to be angry; angry at Abby for calling Gibbs, angry at Palmer for simply being here, and angry at Gibbs for his persistence to raise Tony DiNozzo from the dead. But, all he felt was numb. How can you show remorse that you don’t feel?
Tony raked his hands through his hair in an effort to stall in answering Gibbs’ question. Unfortunately, he knew that the team leader would simply wait him out. He stood up and turned to walk back up the stairs, not wanting to see Gibbs’ face when he had to deliver the ultimate blow. Pausing at the top of the stairwell, he gripped the hand rail and forced his confession from his lips. “I killed him.”
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