Tony cradled his head in his trembling hands as the images of his past continued to collide with his present reality. His memories were ravaging his shattered mind; each thought was a piece of a puzzle and although the pieces were beginning to fall into place, he was having a difficult time seeing the entire picture. He knew that Gibbs was patiently waiting for him to reveal everything that had he had remembered but he was still struggling to make sense of the scenes that were randomly playing in his head.
Why had he just told the team leader that he had remembered everything? He wasn’t sure what had served as the catalyst for the influx of memories, but whatever it was had clearly broken through the levy that had been holding back the waves of darkness in his captive mind. Doubt and uncertainty still plagued him as he realized the high expectations that he had placed on himself by admitting to the reemergence of the past that he had tried so hard to forget.
He felt a calloused hand cup his face. Tony swallowed hard as he couldn’t deny the unspoken command to meet the former Marine’s concerned gaze. “Tony,” Gibbs softly called to him. “Look at me, son.”
Tony obeyed despite the feelings of embarrassment and shame that were beginning to devour him. He had failed them all and now he was going to had to admit his failures; his life would now be an open book for all to read. “It’s…too hard,” he rasped.
“What is?” Gibbs gently pressed.
“Remembering.”
“I know it is,” the team leader empathized. “I’ve been there; I know the frustration and the uncertainty that you’re feeling, but eventually, you have to take that leap of faith. I promise I’ll catch you.”
“I let you down,” Tony whispered. “I…let myself down.”
“No, you didn’t. You survived and I can’t ask for anymore than that.”
Pulling free of the other man’s hold, Tony fell back against the cushion and raked his hands through his hair. He didn’t realize that he was pulling his hair until he felt Gibbs carefully prying his fingers free. “What did I tell you about that?” the former Marine quietly chastised.
“Sorry. I forgot,” he sheepishly replied.
“Just don’t forget again.”
He heard the sound of the sirens growing louder as the rescue vehicles sped by Gibbs’ house. He tried to pull his sporadic thoughts together but his mind kept wandering back to Jenny Shepard and her betrayal. Once again, he had been her pawn in a game that he had not consented to play and now that she was dead, Tony couldn’t help but feel relieved that he would no longer be subjected to her whims. Maybe something was wrong with him because he couldn’t feel any remorse for her, but he truly believed that she didn’t deserve his sympathy.
“Tony?” Gibbs shook his shoulder, startling him out of reverie.
The young man sighed, wondering when he would stop flinching at every touch; was he ever going to be the man that he used to be? The events of the past year had changed him and up until now he had managed to keep the haunted memories somewhat at bay, but he had no choice but to acknowledge them.
“You with me, DiNozzo?” Gibbs asked.
“I’m with you, Boss.”
“You said you remembered everything.”
“Yeah, I do,” Tony reluctantly admitted.
“Take your time.”
Tony knew that time really wasn’t a luxury that he had. Jenny Shepard was dead and more than likely, he would be next. The one thing that he could succinctly remember was the distinguished voice whispering in his ear that his usefulness had expired and his days were numbered; it hadn’t been long after that he had killed one of his tormentors and escaped.
Nervously licking his lips, he forced his mind to block out his emotions as he began to recall his captivity and his subsequent months on the streets. “I…um…hadn’t been undercover long as Todd Gibbs and I…uh had made contact with the dealer several times managed to convince him that I wasn’t anything more than a homeless guy strung out on drugs and booze. I was supposed to meet him one night to seal a deal and the next thing I know…” Tony took a deep breath. “I woke up in this room and it was completely dark.”
“Was it this Steve that grabbed you?”
“I think so. I really didn’t see who grabbed me. That part’s still kind of fuzzy.”
“It’s all right,” Gibbs said. “You’re doing fine.”
“Anyway,” Tony continued. “Like I said, I woke up and I couldn’t see. I figured out I was blindfolded, but I also could tell that the room was dark. I was uh…strapped to some kind of table and I remember yelling for help.” His forced grin didn’t reach his tired eyes. “You know how uncomfortable I am with awkward silences or maybe McGoo’s right and I like the sound of my own voice,” he teased. Clearing his throat, he pressed on. “No one came for what seemed like a long time or at least it seemed like a long time, but of course I didn’t have my watch so I don’t know.”
Tony was aware that his weak attempt at weaving in humor in his recollection was probably not completely unexpected, but doing so seemed to help him to organize his thoughts and stay focused. Although Gibbs didn’t seem to mind his periodic one-liners, he easily sensed that Gibbs was silently urging him to continue with his story.
“Who finally came?”
“Steve started coming first and started playing his games. I didn’t see his face for a long time; he seemed to get enjoy the fact that he could…hurt me and I’d never see the blows coming. He came about three different times before he spoke more than two words and then he started asking me my name. I kept my cover name of Todd Gibbs, but he kept beating me and…insisting that my name was Tony DiNozzo and that I worked for NCIS.”
He could feel every blow that Steve had delivered to his aching body. The restraints had prevented him from protecting himself and too weakened by the repeated assault, Tony had simply been forced to lie there, wondering when the pain would stop. Although he was no longer confined in his prison; it was difficult to enjoy his freedom when his memories were still mercilessly haunting him.
“I never would admit to being Tony DiNozzo and I remember him jerking my blindfold off and grabbing me by the head and kept repeatedly slamming it down on the table,” he quietly recalled. “That was when I discovered that Steve had a rather extensive vocabulary of colorful metaphors.” Tony blew out a pent up breath. “God, he was a mean bastard.”
Gibbs gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You need to take a break?”
Tony shook his head. “No, I’m okay. I would like something to drink besides water.”
The team leader nodded at Abby, who seemed grateful for something to do. Tony hated the fact that he was subjecting his friends to his agonizing memories and wished that Gibbs would just tell Abby and Palmer to leave. It was barely a minute before she had returned with a glass of tea. Nodding his thanks, he took the glass with two hands and took a sip of the cool liquid. “Thanks, Abs.”
“You’re welcome,” she soothed. “Can I get you anything else?”
“No. I’m fine.” Tony gave the glass to Gibbs who set it down on the coffee table. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he considered his next words. “That was the first time that he injected me with something. I never figured out exactly what it was; all I know was that I felt like I was on fire inside and out. I think that was the first time that I cried. I’ve never felt such incredible agony in my life, Gibbs. I begged for him to do something to stop the pain and he said that all I had to do was tell him my real name.
“I guess that I was still thinking that I had to maintain my cover and I wouldn’t give in.” Tony began to massage his temples, knowing that his effort to ease the pounding in his skull was useless. “All I could think about was how bad I was hurting; I…I just wanted it to stop, I just…”
He closed his eyes, wishing that the memories of his captivity would simply disappear. If only Gibbs would just give him permission to forget again; then he wouldn’t have to relive the shame and humiliation that his torturers enjoyed inflicting upon him. Keeping his eyes squeezed shut, he pressed on.
“I didn’t give in though; I kept fighting. Everyday it was the same thing. Hours of getting the crap beaten out of me and then shot up with some kind of drug. Every time Steve shot me up, I got sick. He finally released me from the table and threw me on the floor and I threw up until all I could do was lay there and listen to him tell me how worthless I was. I’d lay their in my vomit and listen to him scream at me. There would be times that he would laugh because I had messed on myself. I would try not to eat or drink a lot, but he would force me and then…I guess you get the picture.”
“He was trying to break you by humiliating you,” Gibbs explained.
“I still fought him.” Looking up, he met Gibbs’ compassionate gaze. “You’ve got to believe me, Boss. I fought him with everything I had.”
“I know you did, Tony. I know you did.”
Satisfied that the former Marine believed him, Tony breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I wasn’t sure if…well, you know…”
“Tony, I know you and I know that despite what you think, you never gave up. You fought and you survived.”
He wasn’t sure that he completely agreed with Gibbs’ assessment. Yes he had survived, but only because he had given up hope that anyone was coming to rescue him; he had resorted to living the life of a drunken homeless man in order to stay in the shadows and out of the clutches of the man he now recognized to be Trent Kort.
Tony pressed the palm of his hands against his eyes, forcefully stopping the tears that wanted to escape. “Why did this happen, Gibbs? What did I do to deserve this?”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, DiNozzo.”
He dropped his hands and glared at the team leader. “Yes I did!” he roared. “I believed their lies! I believed them when they told me you weren’t looking for me anymore! I lost faith in myself and I lost it in you!”
Gibbs remained silent as he processed these revelations. Tony could no longer look the older man in the eyes. His cheeks flushed crimson as he realized how much that his admission cost him. How could things ever be the same between them again? Would Gibbs ever be able to trust him again?
“But I haven’t lost faith in you, Tony,” Gibbs emphatically declared. “I haven’t lost faith in you.”
Heart wrenching sobs erupted from deep within his soul as Gibbs’ strong arms encircled his trembling frame. No longer embarrassed by his feelings, Tony cried even harder as his emotions came crashing down upon him in waves as he struggled with accepting his mentor’s words. Gibbs hadn’t lost faith in him despite everything; he didn’t understand how the man holding him could accept him for all his faults when no one else seemed to be able to do so.
He wasn’t sure how long had passed before he was able to speak again. Tony didn’t offer to move from what his safe haven while he continued to tell his story.
“I finally…had to tell them who…I was, but they knew,” he reluctantly proceeded, brushing his tears away with his hand. “I couldn’t take it any more.”
“It was a play to show you who was in control.”
“There wasn’t a doubt in my mind who was in a control at that point,” Tony whispered. “It sure wasn’t me. Like I said before, I didn’t even have control over going to the bathroom; I’d lay in my own filth for days at a time until Steve came in with several buckets of water and throw on me. Then Kort would…” He swallowed hard. “He wanted to know about the file that the Frog kept on him. I don’t know why he thought I knew anything about it.”
“Maybe he thought that when La Grenouille realized his life was in danger and that you were an NCIS agent, he confided in you.”
“Well, he didn’t. Kort never believed me; he just kept telling Steve to figure out more creative ways of making me talk and he did. Of course the thought of not being rescued was worse than any kind of physical torture; I guess that’s when I realized that if I was ever going to get away, I’d have to do it on my own.”
“I would have found you, Tony,” Gibbs guiltily insisted. “I would have never stopped looking.”
“I know that now. I wasn’t thinking too straight back then. They kept my mind so muddled with drugs I couldn’t even tell what was real and what wasn’t. Kort could get his hands on some pretty nasty stuff.”
“Was Jenny ever there?”
Tony shrugged. “I never saw her but I remember hearing her voice. Kind of like Kort; heard but not seen. Steve’s face was the only one I ever saw, but I’ll never forget Kort’s voice.”
“You’ve already told me about your escape. What happened after that?”
“I ran and the next thing I know, I’m waking up in some alley. I couldn’t remember anything except that my name was Todd Gibbs and I was in a lot of trouble. At first, there was this one guy that kind of took me in, shared his box and his bottle; he ended up with his throat slit. That’s when I decided not to stay in one place for too long.
He pulled away and wrapped his arms around himself. “I was scared. A lot of times, things would start to come back to me and my heart would start pounding; drinking was the only way I could forget. I got to the point where I’d do anything for a drink.”
Tony captured his bottom lip between his teeth and sucked it on it, reflectively studying what his life had become while he had lived on the streets. “Some of it was honest, some of it wasn’t. Sometimes I’d get an odd job, sometimes I’d steal, and sometimes I’d…do other things. As long as I had that drink, nothing else mattered.” He glanced over at Gibbs who had remained firmly planted by his side. “Truthfully, I’d kill for one now.”
“You don’t need it,” Gibbs reminded him.
“My body knows that but my mind says something totally different.”
“The urge to drink is something you’re going to struggle with for a long time, but don’t forget that I’ve got your six. All of us do,” Gibbs added.
“I know, Boss. It’s just that…sometimes everything becomes too much. I know I’m not making any sense, but…”
“I understand, Tony. When it gets to be too much, you let me know.”
Tony nodded his thanks as he lay over on the couch. Warmth began to immediately encompass his exhausted frame after Gibbs covered him with the afghan that had been draped over back of the couch. He pulled the cover up under his chin, lifting his head slightly so that Abby could sit down on the couch. Laying his head on her lap, he remained motionless while she absently ran her long, delicate fingers through his hair.
As he drifted off, he exhaled slowly allowing the stress to ebb from him. His excess fatigue was forcing him to embrace slumber’s open arms despite his fear of sleeping. Tony knew that once he gave into the darkness that was beckoning him, that the dreams would once again return and he would be powerless to stop them.
Tony had spared the others the sordid details of what he had been subjected to, but in time, he would have to reveal them as well. There wasn’t a doubt that Gibbs knew that he had left things out of his recollection, but the team leader had not pushed him and for that he was grateful. One day, maybe he would be able to talk about all his pain and suffering but for now, he was content to let those memories stay buried for a little while longer.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Gibbs didn’t offer any protest when Tony lay over on his couch; the young man was truly spent and although DiNozzo hadn’t revealed every detail of his captivity, he had said enough to know that his son was indeed a survivor. He wasn’t sure if Tony would ever reveal the more disturbing factors of his torment, but if he chose to do so, the team leader was willing to listen. Gibbs knew from experience that some memories are best laid to rest.
He covered Tony with the afghan his grandmother had made for him as Abby slid underneath the senior field agent’s head and began fingering his hair. As DiNozzo’s eyes closed, Gibbs found himself hoping that Tony’s sleep would be peaceful and that he would be able to truly rest; he deserved to have a few hours of slumber undisturbed by the frequent nightmares of his past.
Glancing at his watch, he had an hour before he had to meet Kort. His anger at the CIA operative was indescribable as Tony’s description of his time in the clutches of the diabolical man echoed in his mind. There was no way that he was going to let Kort’s crimes go unanswered.
“Keep an eye on him,” he instructed Abby. “I’m going to call Ziva and have her come over.”
“Why?’
“Protection,” he answered as he surveyed his own weapon to make sure that it was loaded.
“Protection?” Abby inquired. “You don’t think Kort is coming here, do you?”
“Nope.”
“Then why…”
“Abs, I don’t have time right now.” He held his hand out to Palmer, who stood there confused as to what Gibbs was silently requesting.
“He wants your cell phone, Palmer,” she informed the ME assistant.
“My phone?” Palmer repeated. “But why do you…never mind.”
The ex-Marine’s infamous glare silenced Palmer as he gave him the cell phone. Not taking the time to explain to the young man that his phone was still in his vehicle, he called Ziva and within seconds had instructed her to get to his house as soon as possible. Gibbs hung up and glanced at his watch and knew that with the way that the Mossad officer drove that she would be at his house in ten minutes.
Gibbs went from room to room, securing the windows and occasionally peering out them to make sure that he didn’t see anything unusual. The scene of the explosion had been quickly cleaned up and there were no traces of anything unusual ever happening. Kort believed in covering his tracks and he had done exactly that with Jenny’s demise. Now the CIA operative had only one loose end and that was Tony. Gibbs was not going to let Kort get his blood stained hands on DiNozzo and if he had to die to protect his son, then it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.
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