The ride to the team leader’s house had been uneventful mainly due to the fact that DiNozzo had fallen asleep almost as soon as they had pulled out of the parking lot of the agency. Although he found the silence disconcerting, Gibbs was grateful for the brief respite so that he could figure out exactly what it was that he wanted to say to Tony. There was so much that needed to be said, yet being a man of few words was at times a hindrance, especially when Tony’s future was resting on his every word.
He had been encouraged when Ducky had informed him that some of Tony’s memories were returning but Gibbs knew that he still had to tread carefully and not push too hard or DiNozzo could be consumed by his past and never return. The possibility of losing Tony again was something that the former Marine didn’t want to consider and he would do everything in his power to make sure that the man who had become like a son to him was safe.
Pulling up in front of his house, he cut off the engine and blew out a pent up breath; DiNozzo wasn’t the only one who was tired. He reached over and gave Tony’s shoulder a gentle squeeze in an effort to rouse him from what Gibbs could only hope was a dreamless sleep. “Come on, Tony; we’re here.”
“Hmm?”
“We’re here,” he repeated. “Let’s get you inside.”
“Okay,” Tony slurred.
Gibbs got out of the car and quickly made his way to the passenger’s side of the vehicle. Opening the door, he helped Tony to stand up and waited for DiNozzo to get his feet under him so that they could begin the arduous journey up the stairs and into the house. By the time they reached the top of the steps, Gibbs was bearing most of Tony’s weight.
He managed to open the door and guide DiNozzo over to the couch where he carefully deposited the younger man on the sofa. Tony carefully curled up on his side and situated himself against the cushions as Gibbs covered him with an afghan. The team leader perched himself on the coffee table, his eyes studying the weary form before him. So much had happened in the past few weeks that at times he wondered how the two of them had weathered the tumultuous storm that had nearly engulfed their lives; it was time to move on with their lives, except for the fact that fate seemed determined to continually throw unexpected roadblocks in their paths.
“Something wrong?” Tony asked, finally breaking the silence between them.
“Nah…just thinking,” Gibbs sighed.
“About what?”
“Nothing important.”
“Could’ve fooled me. You seemed like you were a thousand miles away,” DiNozzo quietly observed.
Some things never changed. Tony’s perceptions and instincts seemed to be intact; Gibbs had relied on his senior agent’s intuitive nature many times and he hoped that he would be able to do so again. He looked forward to the day that they would be a team again.
“I uh…was just thinking about the past…and the future,” he finally admitted.
“Why?”
“Why not?”
Tony pulled the blanket up tighter around his chin. “I guess I’m just tired of trying to figure out my past and reconciling it with my future. I’m not even sure I have a future.”
“What do you mean?” The former Marine wasn’t sure that he was prepared for the answer to his question, but if Tony was willing to open up to him, he would listen to whatever the other man had to say.
“I don’t know if I can explain it.” Tony shook his head, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Just forget I said anything; I’m tired and I’m probably not making much sense.”
“I know that tired probably doesn’t begin to describe how you’re feeling but you can’t avoid me forever, DiNozzo. We need to talk.” Despite his earlier reluctance, Gibbs knew that they had both had issues that needed to be addressed and avoiding them would only deepen the chasm between them.
Tony’s eyes were closed but Gibbs knew that he wasn’t sleeping. It was obvious that DiNozzo was trying to evade his questions but he was determined to get through to Tony and this time, he wouldn’t fail. Although he’d never admit it, he had felt a twinge of jealousy when he had observed the easy camaraderie between Tony and Ducky; he had already decided that he would do whatever it took to rebuild the father and son bond that they had once shared.
“Tony?” he called out. “Did you hear what I said?”
“I heard you,” DiNozzo moaned, reluctantly meeting the ex Marine’s gaze.
“And?”
“And what?”
“Don’t you think we have some things to talk about?” he pressed.
“If you say so. Personally, I’m fine with just pretending that I know exactly who I am and that the whole last year never happened; that way everyone can get back to leading their lives. Maybe that way, I’ll stay out of trouble,” DiNozzo tiredly quipped.
Gibbs permitted a tiny grin to escape his lips. Tony was beginning to sound more like himself and the team leader was relieved to know that DiNozzo had finally begun to accept who he was; although Todd Gibbs would always be a part of Tony, he was becoming a distant memory and Tony DiNozzo was emerging from the shadows.
“Tony, I wish I could erase this whole nightmare for you, but I can’t. I don’t know what I need to do to make this easier for you but I’m swear to you, I’m going to figure it out.”
“I don’t know either, Gibbs. I was starting to believe that I could just be Tony DiNozzo and pick up where I left off and then everything would be fine but I don’t think it’s going to work that way,” the younger man mused. “I’m remembering bits and pieces but when I try to put it all together, everything seems to fall apart.”
The team leader didn’t dare interrupt Tony as DiNozzo shared the thoughts that had been weighing heavily on his mind. He had wanted nothing more than for Tony to resume his place by his side as his senior field agent and as his son but Gibbs was beginning to feel like he had been placing demands on Tony that the younger man hadn’t been prepared to meet.
He silently urged Tony to continue, hoping that DiNozzo wouldn’t mistake his silence for anger or disappointment; truthfully, he had never been more proud of Tony that he was at this moment.
Fortunately, Tony seemed to be ignoring his pensiveness as he proceeded to share his innermost thoughts. “I’m getting tired of trying to figure out exactly who Tony DiNozzo is; you and the others have this idea image that I’m supposed to slip back into, but I can’t do that. Too much has happened and I’m not the man I used to be. I’ve changed and I’ve got to accept the fact that I can’t go back in time and fix all the things that I did when I thought I was Todd Gibbs.
“I almost went back down that path today; it would have just taken one drink and I wouldn’t have had the courage to come back again. There was a time that I would have done anything for a drink and truthfully, it took the pain away and that’s all that mattered.”
“And now?” Gibbs inquired. “What matters to you now?”
“I’m not sure,” Tony honestly answered. “Right now, all I want is to be able to quit running from my past; I want to put it all behind me and not think about it anymore. I guess that’s going to be kind of hard with Kort constantly hounding me.”
Gibbs gave himself a mental head slap. With everything that had happened, he had failed to inform Tony that the man who had subjected Tony to weeks of hell was no longer a burden that he no longer had to bear. “Kort’s not going to be a problem any longer.”
Disbelief and confusion were etched in Tony’s features. “What…what do you mean Kort’s no longer a problem?”
“Just what I said; you don’t have to worry about him anymore.”
Tony sat up and threw the blanket aside. “What did you do, Gibbs? Please tell me that you didn’t go after Kort.”
“I didn’t go after Kort; I was more worried about finding you.”
“Then what happened to Kort?” Tony demanded to know.
“I uh…called in a favor.”
DiNozzo pushed himself off the couch, wincing as he stood to his feet. “A favor? Is that what it’s called now? When I worked in Baltimore, I called it a hit. Kort’s CIA,” Tony reminded him. “Now they’ll be after you and if something happens to you, I won’t be able to live with the guilt and the knowledge that you died because of me.”
Gibbs steadied Tony as he met DiNozzo’s uncertain gaze. He wasn’t sure if Tony realized what he had said. Was another memory pushing its way to the surface? “When you worked in Baltimore?”
Tony’s eyes clouded over with uncertainty and doubt. “I’m not sure where that came from,” he swallowed hard. “Did I even work in Baltimore?”
“Yeah, you did,” Gibbs assured him. “About two years before you joined NCIS.”
“I’ll have to take your word on that.”
“You’re remembering more and more, Tony; your memory’s coming back.”
Tony pulled free of the former Marine’s grip and began to pace, his gait was slow and if the pained expression on his face was any indication, each step he took sent obvious waves of pure agony through his aching body. “Maybe, but that’s not important right now. I need to know what happened to Kort,” Tony insisted.
“All you need to know is that he’s been…eliminated. Someone in the company owed me a favor and I decided it was time to collect; it’s as simple as that. I wasn’t going to take the chance; you don’t deserve having to look over your shoulder the rest of your life.”
“You shouldn’t have gotten involved.”
The team leader wasn’t sure why Tony’s words seemed to spark his rage. Perhaps it was the months of constant worry and wonder if DiNozzo was alive or it could have been the sorrow at the realization that his captivity and time on the streets had made him a stranger to his friends; perhaps it was simply frustration at himself for what he considered an epic failure on his part to save the man who was like a son to him.
He blocked DiNozzo’s path, standing toe to toe with the younger man. “I was involved from the day we found you on the docks! Actually, I was involved the day you went missing! You don’t have the right to tell me that I shouldn’t have gotten involved! Did you really think that I would just sit by and wait to hear that you were dead? Tony, you’re like a son to me and you may not remember but I protect my own; I couldn’t sit by and let Kort destroy you.”
Gibbs instantly regretted letting his emotions take control of actions. He had permitted his feelings to dictate his words and judging by Tony’s expression, the dark haired man had been caught off guard by his verbal attack. “I’m sorry, Tony; I don’t know why I…”
Tony sat back down on the couch, waving off his apology. “Don’t apologize. Sign of weakness. I guess I had that coming.”
“No you didn’t. I…”
“You were being honest about your feelings and I respect that. Maybe I should take a few pointers from you about expressing my emotions.”
The team leader laughed as he sat down beside Tony. “I’m the last one to give anyone advice about sharing your feelings; it’s not one of my best qualities.”
“I guess we do have something in common. When I was living on the streets, I learned quickly that emotions could get you killed so I tried to shove them all in this tiny box and lock them away. That’s where the alcohol came in handy; I drank to forget how to feel,” Tony admitted. “After I killed Steve and managed to escape, I was determined that no one would ever hurt me like that again; no one would be able to get close enough to me to…”
“To what?” Gibbs gently pressed.
“To control me.” Tony cradled his head in his hands. “I’m tired, Gibbs.”
He shook his head in defiance as he cupped Tony’s face in his calloused hands and forced DiNozzo to look at him. “I’m not letting you off that easy. I’m not going to let you close yourself off again; you need to talk and I need to hear what you have to say. I’m not going to let this go and neither are you.”
The younger man nervously licked his lips. “I used the alcohol to keep people away from me; no one wants much to do with a drunk, well except for Megan and Olivia. They tried to help me but I kept my distance. I didn’t know who I could trust, but I knew I couldn’t go to the cops; they just treated me like the drunk I was. I knew that Kort, even though I wasn’t sure of his name at the time, was still after me; he always seemed to be able to find me and give me little reminders that he controlled me. I finally managed to drop off his radar; Todd Gibbs didn’t matter to him.”
“But Tony DiNozzo did.”
“Yeah, but Tony DiNozzo died in that basement and now that he’s been resurrected, I still have a hard time of letting Todd go. It would be so easy for me to go back to that lifestyle; I almost did. I wanted that drink, Gibbs.”
“I know you did, but you fought the urge; you didn’t give in and that’s a big step, Tony.”
“A big step?” Tony scoffed. “This whole ordeal has been one step forward and two steps back; “I’m tired of going backwards.”
“Then do something about it,” Gibbs challenged.
“What do you want me to do?” Tony countered.
“It’s not what I want, Tony; this isn’t about me or Abby or anyone else for that matter. It’s about you and what you need.”
“I don’t know what I need!”
“Yes, you do!” Frustration and desperation to help Tony were consuming him; the desire for DiNozzo to accept not only his help, but the help of others was driving him to push Tony beyond his emotional limits. “You know exactly what you need but you have to be the one to ask for it! Quit hiding behind Todd Gibbs and the past…”
“I don’t know how!” Tony bellowed. “Every time I think I can be Tony DiNozzo, something gets in the way! It’s like I’m on the outside of a house looking through the window and I see someone who looks like me but I don’t know who he is! I know who I’m supposed to be only because everyone keeps telling me and then I get the feeling that every time I do something un Tony like, I feel like I let everyone around me down, including you.”
Gibbs mind was reeling as he considered Tony’s words. Despite the fact that he wanted things to be like they used to be, he also knew that he was going to have to accept the reality that Tony wasn’t the only one who had changed because of the events of the past year. Had he expected too much, too soon? Had he pushed too hard or not hard enough? Had he failed Tony yet again?
He pushed these questions to the back of his mind. There would be time to delve into his own psyche later; right now, he had to convince DiNozzo that all that mattered was that he was alive and that no matter how long it took for him to recover, Gibbs would be by his side each step of the way. “Tony, I want you to listen to me,” Gibbs pleaded. “Look at me; I want to tell you something.”
It was a few seconds before Tony finally meets his gaze. Gibbs was determined to replace the doubt in those green orbs with assurance. “You have never let me down, Tony. I’ve never been more proud of you than I am at this moment.”
“How can you be proud of me after everything I’ve done?” Tony wanted to know.
There was no mistaking the desperation in Tony’s voice. He was searching for approval and he was the only one who could give DiNozzo what he wanted. “I’m proud of you because you survived; you never gave up and I don’t care if you’re Todd Gibbs or Tony DiNozzo, all that matters is you’re alive.”
He watched Tony lean back against the couch. “I wish I could believe that it didn’t make a difference but it does; you know and I know it. I know I’m Tony DiNozzo but…”
“Todd Gibbs will always be a part of your life,” Gibbs conceded.
“I thought I could just forget about him; seems like that’s what everybody wants me to do.”
“We were wrong…I was wrong to try and ignore that. I wanted everything to be like it used to be but I know now that it can’t be. If I had realized it sooner, maybe I could’ve spared you a lot of unnecessary pain. I expected too much, too soon; I….”
“Gibbs, please; we’ve been through this. I don’t need your apology or your guilt,” Tony quietly informed him. “I just want to move on but I have no idea where to begin.”
Tony’s voice was etched with defeat and loneliness and Gibbs was determined more than ever to help DiNozzo figure out who he was and where he belonged. This time, he wouldn’t place his own demands on the younger man and he would listen to what Tony had to say and what he wanted; Gibbs wanted to do what was best for DiNozzo and he would make sure that everyone understood that Tony’s mental and physical health was his top priority.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas if you’re interested,” Gibbs urged.
“I’m listening.”
“Ducky suggested that maybe you consider hypnosis.”
“He said something about it,” Tony recalled. “I don’t know. My head’s pretty screwed up; I guess I’m afraid that it’ll just make things worse.”
“I’m a little leery about it myself,” Gibbs admitted. “But, it’s up to you and if you choose to do go through with it; I’ll have your six.”
“I told Ducky I’d give it some thought.”
“That’s fair enough.”
“You said you had a couple of ideas; what’s the second one?”
Gibbs smiled at the younger man. “I think it’s time for you to get some help; you need to talk to someone who understands what you’re going through.”
Tony visibly bristled. “A shrink?”
“Not exactly.” Gibbs glanced at his watch as he rose from his seat. He picked up the afghan and held it up, silently indicating for Tony to lie back down. “I’ve got a few phone calls to make; you get some rest and if you feel like it later on, we’ll talk some more.”
“I’m fine,” Tony protested.
“Your definition of fine has always been different than mine, Tony. Get some rest,” he ordered.
Gibbs covered Tony up and tucked the edges around his exhausted frame. “I’ll be close by if you need anything.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
The former Marine headed towards the kitchen when Tony called out to him. “Hey, Gibbs?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for…everything, including taking care of Kort.”
Gibbs smiled at Tony. For the first time in a long time, things seemed to be going in the right direction; there were still a lot of questions that had to be answered and explanations offered to the powers that be, but none of that mattered at the moment. What did matter was that he and Tony had reached an understanding and that they could move forward with their lives.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
For the first time in a long time, Tony had been able to sleep without being awakened by the nightmares that had become commonplace. When he had finally awakened to the smell of bacon and eggs frying, he discovered that he had been asleep almost sixteen hours and that Gibbs had simply permitted him to sleep.
He had made his way to the kitchen and began eating a generous portion of eggs and sipping on the swill that Gibbs justified as coffee. It was then that Gibbs had provided more details regarding his idea for Tony to seek out some help in the form of attending an AA meeting; the team leader had done some research of several meetings in the area and suggested that Tony choose one. Gibbs had recommended one that was nearby and he had reluctantly consented to going and seeing what it was like.
In hindsight, he wished he had never put a bite of food in his mouth; the butterflies in Tony’s stomach were doing somersaults, forcing him to fight back waves of nausea as he entered the church basement. He knew that he was going to have to eventually start attending AA meetings but he hadn’t planned on doing it so soon. Tony wasn’t looking forward to admitting to a group of strangers that he had a drinking problem; truthfully, it had been hard enough to admit it to himself but nevertheless, thanks to Gibbs, here he was.
As he glanced around the room, he quickly discovered that there were people from all walks of life represented. Women, men, and even a couple of teenagers were talking amongst themselves; he couldn’t help but wonder what their lives had been like before they had been consumed by the disease of alcoholism. What had led them to take that first drink? He would venture to say that none of them could say that they had started drinking because they were tortured, but he knew that all of them could probably say that they drank to escape from some kind of pain.
He was startled out of his thoughts by a familiar touch. Tony didn’t bother looking over his shoulder to ascertain the identity of the man behind him; he knew it was Gibbs. The team leader had been the one who had pointed out several times that Tony needed to be around people who truly understood what he was facing as he struggled to remain sober.
“Sorry I took so long,” Gibbs apologized. “I was looking for a parking space.”
“It’s okay,” he sighed. “I was just kind of getting a feel for the place.”
“You want to find a seat?”
Tony shrugged, the hesitancy he had been experiencing was now returning in full force. “I don’t think I’m ready for this, Gibbs.”
“You don’t have to say anything tonight; just listen.”
“I don’t know…”
“At least let me introduce you to the lady who kind of oversees this group.”
“Gibbs,” Tony began to protest. “Let’s just go home. I can’t do this.”
“That’s what everyone thinks when they first walk through these doors; I know I did.”
Tony turned around to discover Olivia Carter standing behind him. He had never forgotten the kindness that she had shown him on the streets but his concern for her and her daughter’s safety had prompted him to keep his distance; of course thanks to Gibbs, there was no longer a threat on his life and he didn’t have to worry about anyone else getting hurt because of Kort.
“Olivia? What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been coming to AA since I was a senior in high school. I’ve been sober for a long time and plan to stay that way; of course, now I help sponsor other addicts who are just getting back on their feet and I want to help you if you’ll let me.”
“I had no idea that you…”
“Alcoholism affects a lot of people and some let it control them and some control it; the people you see here tonight refuse to allow alcoholism to control them and by being here tonight, you’re taking a stand,” she pointed out. “Just sit and listen tonight and you’ll see what I mean.”
Tony nodded as Olivia scurried off to the front of the room. He carefully sat down in a chair in the back row, ignoring the dull ache that had been with him since he had left Ducky’s office. Gibbs sat down beside him; the man was fast becoming his ever present anchor during the storms of his life.
“I still don’t know about this,” Tony mumbled.
“Just listen,” Gibbs quietly urged.
And Tony did just that. He listened to one heart wrenching story after another of people losing everything because of their dependency on alcohol; these individuals had been in some kind of pain, be it physical or emotional and they had started to drink in order to ease that pain. It was then that Tony realized that he was no different than the men and women standing in front of him sharing their story; alcohol had become his crutch so he wouldn’t have to deal with the memories of his captivity and it had taken everything from him including his memories of the life that he had left behind.
The last speaker was done and Olivia was giving the crowd one last chance to speak before they closed the meeting. He struggled with the inner war raging inside him; Tony didn’t want to tell his problems to a bunch of strangers, but he couldn’t deny that he was inexplicably drawn to these people who had lost so much and yet were moving on with their lives. Tony wanted to move on with his life and it was going to be up to him to take the first step.
He glanced over at Gibbs who graced him with a slight nod of approval; it was obvious that the team leader had sensed the debate that had been going on his mind and was silently urging him to follow his instincts.
Blowing out a pent up breath, Tony rose from his seat and uttered those words that would allow him to begin the journey to reclaim his life.
“My name is Tony and I’m…I’m an alcoholic…”
Happy Easter! One more chapter to go and maybe an epilogue…not quite sure about that yet. Thank you so much for your continued support and loyalty; I am so blessed with such wonderful readers and I can’t say thank you enough.
Keep those votes coming in (see the last chapter of Silent Tears if needed). So far, it’s pretty much a tie between a Baltimore story and Franks gets Tony in trouble. Don’t worry, I plan on doing all three at some point, just wanting you guys to get a chance to vote on which one to start first!
Again, thank you all again for hanging in there with me! Have a wonderful weekend!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.