Tony found the coolness of the window refreshing as he laid his head against the passenger’s side window as Gibbs expertly navigated the streets of D.C. He was tired but yet for the first time in months, he felt alive. It had taken a lot out of him emotionally to stand in front of total strangers and admit that he had a problem; although he didn’t provide any details about himself or why he had started drinking, his admission had opened doors for him that had been locked by his doubts and fears. He had managed to take the first step on the journey to reclaim his life, now he just had to figure out how to keep moving forward.
“You okay, DiNozzo?” Gibbs asked, finally breaking the companionable silence between them.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he assured the older man. “Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Nothing and everything.”
“That’s kind of a cryptic answer.”
“It’s the best answer I’ve got right now,” Tony replied. “My mind’s racing; it’s kind of hard to sort it all out.”
“Maybe I can help.”
Tony shook his head. “Not right now.”
“I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
He had fully expected Gibbs to press him to reveal his thoughts but the team leader seemed content to let him bide his time; the pressure and the tension that had been prevalent in their strained relationship was slowly being replaced by the formation of a newly discovered trust between them.
“Thanks, Boss.”
“Any time, DiNozzo.”
Once again, Tony found himself staring out the window as he considered the enigmatic man sitting next to him. He wasn’t sure what he had done in the past to earn this man’s loyalty but Tony hoped that one day he would understand the bond that supposedly existed between them. What had Gibbs seen in him that would prompt him to take a cop from Baltimore under his wing? Maybe one day he would figure it out.
“Hey Tony, you still with me?” Gibbs asked, once again bringing him back to the reality of the moment.
“Yeah, Boss?”
“You got quiet.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to drift off again; I guess I do that a lot.”
“Yeah you do, but it’s okay.”
“Did you let me space out like that when I worked for you?” Tony had a feeling that he already knew the answer to his question.
“No,” Gibbs replied. “No, I didn’t.”
“Why do you do it now?”
“I don’t know; I guess I’m worried about saying the wrong thing. I can be pretty blunt when I have to be.”
The fact that Gibbs was guarded around him had not escaped his attention. There were times that the team leader acted like Tony was fragile and then there were other times when the man seemed prepared to read him the riot act. It was exhausting to try and process Gibbs’ fluctuating emotions that he kept bottled inside; it was time for Leroy Jethro Gibbs to treat him like he had always treated very special agent Anthony DiNozzo.”
“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Tony quipped. He took a deep breath and blew it out, hoping that Gibbs wouldn’t take what he was about to say the wrong way; Tony wanted to convince the former Marine that he was on the road to recovery. “I think that if you start acting normal around me, maybe it’ll help me figure out the missing pieces a little quicker.”
A wave of relief came over him when Gibbs grinned at him. “So, in other words, you want me to stop being nice to you,” the team leader mused. “You always worry when you think I’m being nice to you.”
“I guess that’s one way of looking at it. I just think if everyone starts acting like they used to around me that it’ll help me remember. At least I think it will; it couldn’t hurt.”
“No, it won’t hurt,” Gibbs agreed. “I’ll try, Tony.”
“In the words of Master Yoda, ‘Do or do not, there is no try’.”
“Master Yoda?”
“Oh come on, Boss, even you had to have seen Star Wars; actually Yoda didn’t appear until The Empire Strikes Back. That was the second movie but the fifth…”
A smack to the back of the head silenced his recollection. He stared at the team leader whose gaze remained fixed on the road. “What?” Gibbs asked. “You told me to act normal.”
“I may end up regretting that decision.”
“Probably so, DiNozzo. Probably so.”
The comfortable silence blanketed them again as Gibbs turned down the street where he lived. Tony stared at the houses as they passed them, his thoughts wandering once again as he tried to piece together the puzzle of his life. “Gibbs?”
“Yeah?”
“Where do I live?”
“You have an apartment just outside of D.C.”
“An apartment? How do I still have an apartment if I haven’t been around to pay rent?”
“It was taken care of,” Gibbs stated.
“What do you mean it was taken care of?” Gibbs’ stoic expression provided Tony with the answer to his question. “You paid my rent for a year?”
“Yeah. I wanted to be sure that you had a place to come back to.”
A lump formed in his throat as he considered the older man’s words. Gibbs had kept his apartment for him; there was no way that he deserved the loyalty that the ex Marine constantly demonstrated towards him. He knew that the team leader had never given up on him, but it wasn’t until now that he realized the depth of that devotion. “I uh…I can’t believe you did that for me.”
“Why not?”
“Because…because I’m not…worth the trouble.”
Gibbs pulled up in front of his house and turned off the engine; Tony could almost feel the heat radiating from the agent’s glare. “Don’t ever say that again,” Gibbs warned. “Don’t ever short change yourself, DiNozzo. Rule number 5, Tony.”
“Don’t waste good,” he mumbled to himself.
“And you’re good.”
Tony knew better than to argue with Gibbs lest he receive yet another head slap. He had to admit that it was nice to have someone truly care about him and accept him for who he was; there had been many times the past year that no one had tried to see past the image of the drunken homeless man that he had portrayed which had led to a life of fear, loneliness, and the belief that no one cared if he lived or died.
Taking a moment to compose himself, he stared out the passenger’s window, his eyes coming to rest on the well dressed figure standing on Gibbs’ front porch. The stranger was an imposing man whose eyes danced with intimidation and power, the toothpick hanging from the corner of his mouth silently dared anyone to challenge his authority.
“It…uh…looks like you’ve got company, Boss,” Tony informed the man sitting beside him, the slight quiver in his voice betraying the deep seated nervousness he was experiencing.
“Leon,” Gibbs muttered under his breath. “What does he want?”
“Who’s Leon?”
“Probably our future director.”
He easily picked up on the fact that the team leader addressed the man as their future director; Gibbs was still convinced that Tony would return to NCIS and that they would be working side by side once again; he still wasn’t so sure, but with the turn of events, DiNozzo was no longer ruling out the possibility.
The two men got out of the car and made their way towards the front porch, Tony purposefully staying a couple of steps behind Gibbs. He quickly tamped down the urge to flee again; Tony had figured out that he couldn’t run every time his insecurities pushed their way to the forefront of his mind.
“Go on inside,” Gibbs insisted. “I’ll be in a few minutes.”
Tony bristled at the thought of being sent away like a petulant child; if this conversation was going to be about him, he wanted to hear what the other two men had to say. He was about to tell Gibbs that he preferred to stay but the intense scrutiny that he was being subjected to by the stranger was starting to overwhelm him and he welcomed the dismissal.
“I’ll uh…go fix some coffee,” Tony softly replied, maneuvering himself around Gibbs as he opened the front door, vaguely wondering to himself if he even knew how to make coffee.
Closing the door behind him, he found himself leaning against the wooden frame for support. The knot in his stomach pulled tighter as he heard the muffled voices on the other side of the door. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that they were talking about him and that knowledge did nothing but sicken him.
Fighting back the waves of nausea, Tony sought refuge in the kitchen. He fell into the chair at the table and cradled his head in his hands, wishing the feeling of dread would simply disappear. “Please don’t let this be something bad,” he whispered pleadingly, hoping that God was listening to his prayer. “I just got on my feet; please don’t kick ‘em out from under me again because I don’t know if I can get back up again.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Gibbs waited for Tony to go into the house and close the door before he confronted the man standing on his porch. Assistant Director Leon Vance was considered by many to be a force to be reckoned with, however the team leader had neither been impressed nor intimidated by the man; his dealings with Vance had been limited in the past but he had a feeling that was about to change.
He leaned up against the railing and crossed his arms, quietly daring Vance to even consider the possibility of going after Tony. Gibbs had made a vow to protect Tony and he would die if necessary, in order to keep that promise.
“What can I do for you, Leon?” Gibbs inquired, the edge to his voice discreetly informing Vance that he was not in the mood or had the time to engage in any game that he was attempting to play.
He needed to make sure that the Assistant Director’s sudden appearance had not rattled Tony; Gibbs’ protective instincts were in overdrive and he the quicker that he got rid of Vance, the sooner he could focus on Tony. Positive things were starting to happen for DiNozzo and he would not let anyone stand in the young man’s way as he started to live his life again.
“I take it you just weren’t in the neighborhood, Leon,” Gibbs began in an attempt to provide Vance with an opening.
“Very perceptive, Gibbs,” Vance countered. “Of course, Director Shepard always said that it was difficult to get anything past you.”
He refused to rise to the other man’s bait; he had no intention of dredging up his past with Jenny, especially with the likes of Leon Vance. “What do you want?” he asked once again, his patience quickly waning.
“It seems that there’s a lot of scuttlebutt going around about your former senior field agent; he’s caused quite a stir at NCIS and the CIA.”
“And you’re here to do damage control?” Gibbs deduced. He wasn’t sure that he liked where this conversation was headed. Tony had been a pawn in Jenny and Kort’s private war and he had suffered unimaginable horrors; he would not permit DiNozzo to be subjected to that personal hell ever again.
Vance shook his head. “Not at all. Actually, I owe DiNozzo a lot, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be the Director of NCIS.”
Gibbs exhaled the breath he had been inadvertently holding. “So, they finally pulled out the big chair for you and you were more than happy to sit down in it.”
“I’ve worked hard to get where I am,” Leon pointed out.
“I won’t argue with that; I always had a feeling that you would end up at the top.”
“Thanks for your vote of confidence, Agent Gibbs.”
A tiny smile played upon the team leader’s lips as he fixed his infamous glare upon the Director. “Don’t thank me yet, Leon.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just what I said. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a long day and you’ve wasted enough of my time.” Gibbs turned to enter his house.
“Not just yet, Gibbs. I think we have something that we need to discuss.”
His hand on the doorknob, he glanced back over his shoulder at Vance. “Such as?”
“DiNozzo’s future at NCIS.”
Gibbs raked his hand through his hair. “What about it?”
“Aren’t you interested to find out if he has one?” Vance pressed.
He visibly bristled at the other man’s cryptic comment. Was Vance actually threatening Tony’s job? “Are you saying he doesn’t?” Gibbs challenged.
“I’m not saying that at all.”
“What are you up to, Leon?”
Vance sat down in one of the chairs and gestured for Gibbs to join him. The former Marine had already ascertained that the Director was someone that he would have to be wary of; the old adage of keeping one’s enemies close rang true for Vance. Perhaps it was premature to label Leon Vance as an adversary, but it was never too early to err on the side of caution.
“I’m not up to anything, Agent Gibbs,” Vance said. “I don’t like games.”
“Right,” Gibbs scoffed. “You didn’t get to where you’re at by playing by the rules.”
“And you’ve never broken a few rules?”
“Not any of mine.”
He hid his growing disdain for the Director as Vance leaned his tall frame against the back of the chair. Prepared to defend Tony with his last breath, Gibbs waited for Leon to make his next move. Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait long.
“SecNav sent me to tell DiNozzo that his job would be waiting for him when he was ready to come back,” Vance informed him.
Gibbs stared at him in disbelief. If what Vance was saying were true, then there would be one less battle that Tony would have to fight; the realization that he still had a job to go back to could possibly improve DiNozzo’s outlook on life and aid in his recovery.
Nodding his approval, he said, “That’s good to know.”
“He will still have a lot to prove once he returns.”
“I don’t think he has anything to prove.”
“He’ll still have to requalify on the range and be cleared by the department psychiatrist.”
“I figured as much.”
Vance obviously wasn’t pleased by SecNav’s decision but was not prepared to make waves so soon after his recent promotion; a fact which was clearly going to work to DiNozzo’s advantage. Of course, the decision to return to work was Tony’s decision and despite his own personal desire to have DiNozzo back by his side, Gibbs would respect whatever choice Tony made. It had taken a lot of soul searching to get to that point of acceptance, but he had come to realize that he had to let DiNozzo be his own man and make his own decisions.
“Do you have any idea as to when we can expect him back?” Vance wanted to know.
“Not really; he’ll come back when he’s ready.”
“That’s not the answer I needed to hear. Perhaps I should talk with Agent DiNozzo personally and…”
“That’s the only answer you’re going to get,” he smugly countered. “And no…you’re not talking to DiNozzo.”
Vance stood and headed towards the door. “I owe him a great deal; his misfortune was my gain.”
The team leader shot up out of his seat and blocked Vance’s path. “I said no.”
“You can’t protect him forever, Gibbs.”
“Watch me,” he snapped.
“I have been and I’m here to tell you that you better learn to separate your paternal feelings for DiNozzo from those of a team leader. Unnecessary attachments will only hold you back.”
“I think it’s time for you to leave, Director Vance.”
Gibbs easily sensed the Director’s displeasure but to his credit, Vance didn’t press the issue. His piercing gaze followed the other man as he descended the steps. It was evident to both men that their working relationship was going to be one of dissonance and turmoil; Gibbs was used to doing things his way and he wasn’t prepared to change for Leon Vance.
“I expect an answer by next week,” Vance insisted in an effort to assert his authority once again. “If he doesn’t choose to come back, then I’ll need to find a replacement for him.”
The former Marine simply smiled at the new Director. “Have a good day, Leon.”
As soon as Vance got in his car and pulled off, the door opened and he was joined by Tony whose current expression betrayed the anxiety that was plaguing him. Gibbs patted the young man on the back. “Let’s go on back inside,” he suggested.
Tony continued to stare after Vance until he was out of sight. Gibbs took him by the arm and guided him back inside the house. “Come on, Tony.”
“What did he want?”
There was no mistaking the nervous edge in Tony’s voice. Vance’s unannounced visit had forced DiNozzo to raise his guard once again; Gibbs longed for the day when the younger man could maintain the level of confidence that he once had and not have to continually pick himself up off the ground.
Gibbs shut the door behind them as he motioned for Tony to have a seat on the couch. “That’s our new Director,” he began to explain.
“Am I supposed to know him?”
“You know of him. Leon Vance.”
“So he’s taking Director Shepard’s place?”
“Yep. He’s been waiting for years for SecNav to pull out the big chair for him and now, he’s ready to sit down.”
Tony arched his brow. “And he just came by to say hello?”
He shook his head; despite his memory loss, Tony was sometimes too intuitive for his own good. “No, he came to deliver a message from SecNav.”
Gibbs saw worry fade into disbelief as Tony asked, “The Secretary of the Navy?”
“None other.”
“So what was the message?”
“SecNav wanted you to know that your job will be waiting for you whenever you decide to come back,” Gibbs replied, visibly gauging Tony’s response.
DiNozzo could speak volumes with his eyes; he used to be able to tell what his senior agent was thinking by simply looking into his eyes but now, it wasn’t as easy. Over the past year, Tony had become more careful about revealing his thoughts and feelings; life on the streets had taken away his ability to trust and it would take a long time for him to regain the ability to believe in the goodness of people once again.
“My job?”
“Yep?”
“What’s the catch? I mean, with everything that’s happened, I find it hard to believe that I can have my job back just like that.”
“I plan on dropping by SecNav’s office and having a little chat; I’m not about to let you get caught up in another vendetta,” he assured the younger man. “According to Vance, the only stipulations are you’ll have to qualify on the range and pass the psych eval before you go back out into the field, but that’s SOP for anyone who’s gone through any kind of…”
“I know,” Tony tiredly sighed. “You had to when you came back from Mexico and…” A smile spread across the dark haired man’s face. “I just remembered something, didn’t I?”
Gibbs nodded. “Yeah, you did Tony. Actually, you were the only one who knew that.” The team leader had not revealed the details surrounding his return to anyone except DiNozzo and the fact that Tony could remember something that he considered to be extremely personal was encouraging and gave him hope for the future.
The two men shared a moment of companionable silence, each quietly celebrating another small victory. Gibbs could almost see the wheels turning inside Tony’s mind; whatever DiNozzo was considering was weighing heavily on his mind. When Tony finally spoke, Gibbs was surprised at the direction that the conversation was taking.
“Hey Gibbs?’
“Yeah?”
“How soon can I come back?”
“Do you think that you’re ready?” Gibbs wanted nothing more than for Tony to tell him that he would come back tomorrow and they would pick up right where they left off, but he knew that in all reality, there would have to be a few hoops for Tony to jump through. He was determined to not push Tony into a hasty decision; if and when he returned, the choice would be DiNozzo’s.
“I don’t know,” Tony shrugged. “But I have to do something. I think I enjoyed being an agent and I think I was good at it; maybe once I get back there, more of my memory will come back and I can figure out if being an agent is what I want to do with the rest of my life.”
“Just for the record, Tony; you were the best agent I’ve ever worked with and as far as I’m concerned you still are,” Gibbs declared. “You come back when you feel ready and not a moment before; when you do come back, I need your head in the game. I depend on you.”
He was relieved by the sight of Tony’s tired smile; Gibbs had been afraid that DiNozzo would have been put off by his words, but he had taken them as the compliment he had meant them to be.
“That’s a nice feeling,” Tony quietly mused. “I uh…I wasn’t sure what…I mean, I had a feeling that I was kind of a pain in the neck.”
“Only to McGee and Ziva,” he assured Tony. “To me, you’re my right hand man; you’re the one that I can count on all the time.”
Gibbs could sense that Tony was starting to feel uncomfortable; although DiNozzo’s confidence was slowly returning, he was still plagued by insecurities that haunted his memories.
“Uh, you’re getting mushy again, Gibbs.”
“Just speaking the truth, Tony.”
“Maybe, but the thought of me being useful takes some getting used to,” Tony admitted.
“Tony, don’t ever doubt yourself; you’re not only a good agent but you’re a good a man as well.”
Tony’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
Tony raked his hands through his hair and met Gibbs’ piercing gaze. “So, I need to requalify on my weapon and see the department shrink,” DiNozzo recalled, steering the conversation away from the emotional trail it had taken. “Doesn’t sound too hard.”
Gibbs watched Tony as he began to pace. There was a renewed energy about Tony that he hadn’t seen in a long time and to the team leader, it was both refreshing and disconcerting. He was grateful that DiNozzo seemed to have a purpose once again but Gibbs was worried that it would be too much, too soon, and Tony was setting himself up to fall.
He quietly chastised himself for doubting Tony; DiNozzo had come so far both physically and emotionally since Gibbs had discovered him at the crime scene and he had no right to hold him back if Tony was ready to move forward.
“You can do it, Tony. I…I know you can.”
“So, you wanna take me to a shooting range?”
“Are you sure you’re up to it?” Gibbs asked. He knew that Tony still had to be hurting from his encounter at the bar, but it was going to be DiNozzo’s decision.
“I’m sore, but I don’t want to lie around here any longer.”
“All right,” the team leader conceded. “I’ll take you to the range but you can’t over do it. Ducky would kill you and me.”
“Speaking of Ducky…can you call him?”
“What for?”
“I think I want to talk to him more about the hypnosis.”
“Are you sure?” Gibbs wasn’t convinced that hypnosis would bring Tony any closer to releasing those buried memories that were lying beneath the surface; maybe some things were simply meant to stay buried.
“I don’t know,” Tony admitted. “I just feel like I need to do something…I can’t explain it but…”
“You don’t have to explain it; whatever you decide, I’m behind you all the way.”
“Thanks, Boss.”
“You’re welcome.” Gibbs grabbed his keys out of his pocket and opened the door. “Are you ready?”
“Let’s go.” Tony was out the door and headed towards the car before Gibbs could pull the door closed.
He slid into the driver’s seat as DiNozzo buckled his seat belt. As they pulled off and headed down the street, he heard Tony sigh as he fumbled with the hem of his shirt. “Something wrong, DiNozzo?”
“Not really; I uh…just have one more favor to ask but I’ve already…”
“What is it?” Gibbs knew that he would do anything in his power to honor DiNozzo’s request.
Tony nervously cleared his throat. “I want…I want to go home. I need to go home.”
“There’s no rush,” Gibbs insisted. “You’re welcome to stay at my place as long as you…”
Tony shook his head, defiance and determination blazing in his eyes. “No, Gibbs. It’s past time. I keep saying I’m moving forward and so I have to do this. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me but I’ve got to learn to stand on my two feet.”
Gibbs felt a lump form in his throat. He swallowed hard and gave Tony’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, “Do you want to stop by before or after the shooting range?”
DiNozzo graced him with a genuine smile. “After is fine.”
“All right then, let’s head to the shooting range.”
As the two men continued their journey, they each silently contemplated the days that lay ahead.
One more chapter to go and this story will be done! I thought I could do it in this one but it would have been 25 pages long! LOL Anyway, I do apologize for the delay; between my birthday, scouts, school, and preparing for the Mother’s Day Banquet at church that my teenage girl’s class was sponsoring, I haven’t had time to turn around. School is almost out, so hopefully things will be easier. Thank you all for sticking with me and I assure you that I will resume my other stories just as soon as I finish the last chapter of this story. I appreciate the loyalty and support; it means so much to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully next week, the last chapter will be up!
As for the next story, it looks like it will be the Baltimore, but keep in mind, it will be AU from the now canon story we just saw!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.